:01:44. > :01:54.Paris. Awed Auditions begin in Paris for the new movie, the Nicka
:01:54. > :01:56.
:01:56. > :02:03.the Nickleby story. We have Nick Hewer on Paul's team. And with a
:02:03. > :02:12.stand in on Ian's team, Gordon never really got Tony's ironic,
:02:12. > :02:16."you can take over soon" qip, please welcome Ross Noble.
:02:16. > :02:23.We start with the biggest stories of the week. Paul and Nick take a
:02:23. > :02:27.look at this. This is a series of U-turns, the Cornish pasties of
:02:27. > :02:34.great controversy, caravan, they are static Cornish pasties, will be
:02:34. > :02:38.charged the same as moving Cornish pasties. People can give money to
:02:39. > :02:42.charities. The old buzzarded are still about. We can't afford colour
:02:42. > :02:47.there, there is a man who has been psychologically damaged and we have
:02:47. > :02:53.to pay for it. Did you see the Sun headline on the pasty story, it
:02:53. > :03:00.said "the chaliceens to the Sun readers". No he didn't, he listened
:03:00. > :03:05.to the Sun. There should be inverted commas around the word
:03:05. > :03:10."readers"! Yes, this is a week of U-turns by a rotten, useless out-
:03:10. > :03:15.of-touch Government full of useless idiots. How many U tufrpbs has the
:03:15. > :03:23.Government made now -- U-turns has the Government made now. If you do
:03:23. > :03:29.two U-turns you end up back where you started. They have made 42 U-
:03:29. > :03:34.turns -- 34 U-turns, 35 if you count their no U-turn policy. Let's
:03:34. > :03:39.look at something deeply unadvertising and stuffed full of
:03:39. > :03:44.crap. Who knew that Greggs did a venison and foie gras range. How
:03:44. > :03:47.can a pasty now escape a 20 Percival added tax? If it is
:03:47. > :03:50.allowed to cool gently in the moonlight. The Government
:03:51. > :03:55.essentially has done a U-turn on a number of thing the public don't
:03:55. > :03:58.agree with. That is not Government, as you know, Alastair. A million
:03:58. > :04:08.people saying they don't want the war, you don't listen to them, for
:04:08. > :04:09.
:04:09. > :04:13.goodness sake! I think not lasting the first five minutes without
:04:13. > :04:20.mentions Iraq, Ian loses one point. He skillful he introduced the
:04:20. > :04:26.subject, we were talking about pasties. A pasty won't attract VAT
:04:26. > :04:32.as long as it is not kept artificially hot. How will bakers
:04:32. > :04:37.be monitored to charge the right amount of VAT? Travelling food
:04:37. > :04:46.inspectors armed with thermometers, with testers to thrust in to test
:04:46. > :04:50.the external and internal temperature, and using the Lewis
:04:50. > :04:54.Duckworth method, to decide which team would have won if it hasn't
:04:54. > :04:58.rained. They will not do spot checks on bakers at all. There has
:04:58. > :05:02.to be an element of trust, we are not here to try to catch people
:05:02. > :05:08.out! Another U-turn involving the Justice and Security Bill this week,
:05:08. > :05:11.what are civil liberties' groups worried about? Secret courts.
:05:11. > :05:15.were very worried about this Government's plans to have more
:05:15. > :05:24.things like inquests conducted in secret, it is pretty important,
:05:25. > :05:30.with inquests, that all the facts come out. APPLAUSE
:05:30. > :05:34.Back to U-turns, and the latest one is buzzards, anyone know what it is
:05:34. > :05:39.about? They are breeding furiously and eating all the pelts. The young
:05:39. > :05:46.pheasants. And in fact, we have got one, thank you very much. You have
:05:46. > :05:49.got a buzzard? Yeah. Not with me! Buzzards have been attacking and
:05:49. > :05:56.eating pheasants that are specially. That is just what he said. No he
:05:56. > :06:00.didn't. That is just what he said. No, he said he had a buzzard.
:06:00. > :06:06.you searched him! Have you patted him down. Can I say there are two
:06:06. > :06:08.versions here, Alastair's and Nick's.
:06:08. > :06:14.APPLAUSE Why don't you just change the
:06:14. > :06:18.information on the card! APPLAUSE
:06:18. > :06:23.Sorry, sorry, he said it. It was him. That is really enough about
:06:23. > :06:27.the Government's bad week, sorry, Andy Coulson.
:06:27. > :06:32.Where did he unexpectedly find himself this week? In the back of a
:06:32. > :06:42.cop car, heading to Scotland. Because? Because they wanted to
:06:42. > :06:47.
:06:47. > :06:50.have a word! I had absolutely no idea that you were a gangster,
:06:50. > :06:54.brilliant! Andy Coulson has been arrested for perjury, during a
:06:54. > :06:58.trial where someone else was on trial for perjury. While he was
:06:58. > :07:03.actually working for the Prime Minister, which is pretty shocking!
:07:03. > :07:07.Rushocked Alastair? I'm shocked? I'm glad you're shocked. Because
:07:07. > :07:12.you know, some of the people this Government have been hanging about,
:07:12. > :07:21.Rebekah Brooks! Know her at all? do. Were you shocked when she was
:07:21. > :07:28.arrested. I have been shocked by lots of things, Ian.
:07:28. > :07:32.He has been charged, not just arrested. Which is why Ian is being
:07:32. > :07:42.so careful, if Andy Coulson, and about me. They haven't charged you
:07:42. > :07:47.
:07:47. > :07:52.yet! Is it hot in here! In case anyone thinks I'm being gratuitous,
:07:52. > :07:57.I show Alastair is being to be good tonight, because he's saying he
:07:58. > :08:02.will be robust and not a bully, whatever anyone says he will be
:08:02. > :08:12.really reasonable. Tonight? No. That is good to remember if your
:08:12. > :08:14.
:08:14. > :08:20.kid gets caught kicking a fat kid, he's not a bully, just robust.
:08:20. > :08:23.probably seemed like a good idea when you said, yes! Did anyone see
:08:24. > :08:28.Andy Coulson's replacement, Craig Oliver complaining about BBC
:08:28. > :08:33.coverage? Can we have a look? he is, having what the papers
:08:33. > :08:36.describe, as an angry rant at the BBC's Norman Smith. You could have
:08:36. > :08:40.effectively, having a spider's web, with pacemakerure of the Prime
:08:40. > :08:43.Minister in it, and a picture of Jeremy Hunt and James Murdoch in it,
:08:43. > :08:53.and saying in your piece, by the way. I don't think that. I rest my
:08:53. > :08:55.
:08:55. > :08:59.case. Oh dear. Call it a rant, he didn't
:08:59. > :09:09.even head butt him. And he didn't threaten to close the BBC down
:09:09. > :09:14.
:09:14. > :09:18.either. He's got nothing. Here we Want a job in a Post Office! On the
:09:18. > :09:24.subject of the BBC, what is the latest annoying gimmick being used
:09:24. > :09:27.by on-screen reporters? Flashing their boobs, is it the boob-flash!
:09:27. > :09:31.It is doing the live pieces to camera, when they are right in
:09:31. > :09:35.amongst the people that they are talking about. Here's Newsnight's
:09:35. > :09:40.Paul Mason with an example. French President has disrupted, not
:09:40. > :09:48.just the traffic here, in Brussels, but all the patterns of previous
:09:48. > :09:53.summits, but what he needs now is action on his growth agenda.
:09:53. > :09:59.Here he is again. Mrs Merkel has become the may sayer, she arrived
:09:59. > :10:03.saying no to the -- may sayer, she arrived saying no to the creation
:10:03. > :10:08.of current stable bonds. But Merkel knows she's isolated at the summit.
:10:08. > :10:18.She can go on being isolated, as long as the majority of Germans she
:10:18. > :10:20.
:10:20. > :10:26.is doing the best she has ever done for their country.
:10:26. > :10:29.This is the Tories' humiliating U- turn on the pasty tax, which will
:10:30. > :10:36.lead to the collapse of the collision, and a triumphant return
:10:36. > :10:42.of the resurgent Labour Government under the lovely Tony Blair. At
:10:42. > :10:47.lease that's my spin on it. Conservatives have performed
:10:47. > :10:51.another U-turn on destroying buzzards and their nests. The
:10:51. > :10:58.problem is buzzards were killing pheasants bred for shoots. If you
:10:58. > :11:06.are a Tory toff with a gun, why not just shoot the pheasants, why not
:11:06. > :11:10.just shoot each other. Insieplt to murder, you heard it here --
:11:10. > :11:16.incitement to murder, you heard it here first! I thought you lost
:11:16. > :11:23.interest there for a while. Time for Ian and Ross's question. The
:11:23. > :11:28.Leveson Inquiry. Can come over as a bunch of boring media tossers
:11:28. > :11:33.talking about themselves, Ian, so I have decided to liven it up a bit,
:11:33. > :11:43.with my own Levesonometer. So who is this, and what has he been
:11:43. > :11:47.
:11:47. > :11:56.banging on about? Well, it is the return of Tony Blair. Much missed!
:11:56. > :12:00.Yeah, yes. To be fair, it was brilliant at Leveson, he didn't
:12:00. > :12:06.even flinch, he didn't blink, you trained him well, when the guy
:12:06. > :12:12.jumped out and called him a war criminal, he just went, yeah,
:12:12. > :12:22.whatever. He didn't say, yeah. his soul he did! I resent that, the
:12:22. > :12:23.
:12:23. > :12:30.suggestion he has a soul,g ah! The idea that you can say Osborne is
:12:30. > :12:38.full of shit and defend Blair is unbelievable.
:12:38. > :12:43.The worst thing is, I heard you use the word "spin", you Tony said
:12:43. > :12:48.neither you or anyone who worked for him ever span, he said you and
:12:48. > :12:54.Peter Mandelson were terrifically good at presenting a positive case,
:12:54. > :13:02.he resented the word "spin". He he talked about bullying, who's the
:13:02. > :13:10.bully today? He's being robust. watched him, God knows why. I get
:13:10. > :13:14.the feeling that at any moment you two are going to kiss! Tony's
:13:14. > :13:18.testimony was interrupted by a protestor called David Lawley-
:13:18. > :13:23.Wakelin, what did he accuse Tony of? He said he was a war criminal.
:13:23. > :13:30.He was a very British protestor, he said I'm terribly sorry for
:13:30. > :13:35.interrupting, I wanted to say you are a war criminal. Everything went
:13:35. > :13:41.swimmingly until we noticed he was wearing the vegan sandals. How dare
:13:41. > :13:48.you! Any serious protestor leave the vegans at home, wear proper
:13:48. > :13:53.shoes, as soon as you see the sandals, you think, nutter! That is
:13:53. > :13:57.a great point, worthy of an extra point for Nick. What was the most
:13:57. > :14:01.important part of Tony's brilliant testimony. You have already alluded
:14:01. > :14:07.to it. It was the song and dance number I liked. At the edited it
:14:07. > :14:11.from the Sky News coverage. No. it the spin in my time, no spin in
:14:11. > :14:17.my time. He confirmed I never bullied journalists. I think he
:14:17. > :14:21.confirmed that he didn't know about it. He did the old Murdoch defence!
:14:21. > :14:27.He said, he never authorised Sol Campbell or Peter Mandelson to
:14:27. > :14:31.brief against his colleagues, he hated that, it is the -- Alastair
:14:31. > :14:38.Campbell or Peter Mandelson to brief against colleagues, he hated
:14:38. > :14:42.that. They did it off their own bat. What else does Tony say happens
:14:42. > :14:46.when you stop being Prime Minister? You make tonnes of money for doing
:14:46. > :14:50.nothing. He actually said, that when you are elected you begin at
:14:50. > :14:55.your least capable and most popular, and you end at your least popular
:14:55. > :15:05.and most capable. Which is luefly line, which I wrote -- lovely line,
:15:05. > :15:08.
:15:08. > :15:14.which I wrote! There's a typo. It should say, "culpable".
:15:14. > :15:19.APPLAUSE Let's have another little spin.
:15:19. > :15:23.That's Hunt himself. I thought it was Chris Packham. He went back in
:15:23. > :15:27.front of Leveson, he answered all the questions, why were there
:15:27. > :15:31.thousands of e-mails from your office, why was your assistant in
:15:31. > :15:35.constant contact with a lobbyist. He gave his evidence, they didn't
:15:35. > :15:38.really get anything furd out of him, the Prime Minister announced it's
:15:38. > :15:41.fine,'s innocent, he doesn't have to be referred to the Standards
:15:41. > :15:46.Committee. And with one bound Hunt is free. The most interesting thing
:15:46. > :15:50.that came out is he denied socialising with News Corp lobbyist,
:15:50. > :15:55.Frederic Michel, this is, of course, despite it being revealed
:15:55. > :15:58.previously at Leveson that Hunt once texted Michel, hopefully when
:15:58. > :16:04.the consultation is over, they could have a drink of coffee like
:16:04. > :16:09.the old days. It lacks maturity, he's a boy. Furthermore he stuck
:16:09. > :16:14.his dirty little finger into The Apprentice, and wrote to the BBC,
:16:14. > :16:17.and said that like Lord Sugar was a Labour peer, therefore The
:16:17. > :16:22.Apprentice was a politically motivated thing and be delayed
:16:22. > :16:24.until after the election. Pathetic. Hunt accused you of being
:16:24. > :16:29.politically motivated. Apprentice show, a fine business
:16:29. > :16:31.show, and got nothing to do with politics at all. He messed our
:16:31. > :16:37.schedules around, he deserves anything he gets, back to the
:16:37. > :16:40.fourth form! APPLAUSE. What did Hunt text James
:16:40. > :16:50.Murdoch, on the day that the European Commission announced it
:16:50. > :16:50.
:16:50. > :16:55.would not be intervening over the BSkyB bid. Whohoo, lol! More or
:16:56. > :16:59.less, he texted him, Brussels out of the way, Ofcom to go. Almost
:16:59. > :17:05.word for word, I will give awe point.
:17:05. > :17:11.Clay. This week the Leveson Inquiry was interrupted by an earnest man
:17:11. > :17:14.who was polite but ineffectual, and after Vince Cable had finished his
:17:14. > :17:19.evidence he shuffled off home. Tony Blair spoke for four years, which
:17:19. > :17:22.at his normal rate works out at just under a million quid. To round
:17:22. > :17:29.two. Normally it is the picture spin quiz, but I don't have
:17:29. > :17:34.anything to do with spin, so as an ardent monarchist I have come up
:17:34. > :17:42.with something to mark the Diamond Jubilee. Fingers on buzzers. What
:17:42. > :17:47.are you doing? My spectacles, oh, they are here! Sorry about that.
:17:48. > :17:57.They went down there. The ones he use to watch Blair, they are sort
:17:57. > :18:01.of rose tinted! Simon and gar funkle are making a Garfunkel are
:18:02. > :18:10.making a come back. It was Engelbert Humperdinck who sadly
:18:10. > :18:16.failed in every respect. I went to Baku once, flip-flops cost �40 a
:18:16. > :18:22.pair. Amazing, the most aexpensive place in the world. There are
:18:22. > :18:25.mounting calls for Britain to pull out of the Eurovision Song Contest
:18:25. > :18:31.after Engelbert Humperdinck embarrassed the nation, he came
:18:31. > :18:38.second to the last. Beating only a? Waitress. Nor way. The Sunday Times
:18:38. > :18:42.tried to cheer him up by writing at least he did not die! Who were
:18:42. > :18:52.labelled the real stars of Eurovision this year? The Russian
:18:52. > :19:06.
:19:06. > :19:14.Grannies. Or as Engelbert The thing about that song, that is
:19:14. > :19:18.actually a protest song about pasty tax.
:19:18. > :19:21.This is, of course, Eurovision. According to the Sunday Times, the
:19:21. > :19:26.UK's catastrophic result was largely due to at that time kal
:19:26. > :19:30.voting. Not the first time that tactical voting has ended in
:19:30. > :19:38.disaster for the Government, as you will know if you voted Lib Dem in
:19:38. > :19:45.the last election. Or Labour in the previous three! Fingers on buzzers.
:19:45. > :19:49.This is about adverts that have been complained about, this was one
:19:49. > :19:54.here about a load of people playing football, and then kicking a cat.
:19:54. > :19:58.Third on the list was the one called Paddy Power, can we look at
:19:58. > :20:08.them officially not offending blind people, or encouraging animal
:20:08. > :20:16.
:20:16. > :20:21.Paul, for ten points, the most complained about ad was? One KFC
:20:21. > :20:31.one which was people talking with their mouth full. Correct. Shall we
:20:31. > :20:38.
:20:38. > :20:42.Why would anybody bother to complain about that one? You can
:20:42. > :20:46.see why, little kids copying that. Good enough reason. What is really
:20:46. > :20:52.offensive, is when they take the chicken out of their mouth, that is
:20:52. > :20:59.still how they talk. They went to one of the worst drama
:20:59. > :21:05.schools in London. It was terrible, the John Merick Academy of Drama.
:21:05. > :21:10.And the trouble is, all the students get together, and they go
:21:10. > :21:20.be an animal, they go "I'm not an animal, I am a man". And then at
:21:20. > :21:23.
:21:23. > :21:29.the end, it just says "KFC, finger- lickin good". Dodgy ads with three
:21:29. > :21:34.letters are very worrying. WMD, you know. I mean people could get the
:21:34. > :21:42.wrong idea. They might think they existed. But those are different
:21:42. > :21:49.letters, completely. I admire your stamina!
:21:49. > :21:56.APPLAUSE In 2000, from eve sant Laurent,
:21:56. > :22:00.featuring a naked -- Yves Saint Laurent, featuring a naked Sophie
:22:00. > :22:06.Dahl, it was thought it would cause offence. Let's check? It could have
:22:06. > :22:12.been worse, it could have been Roald Dahl. I wonder if she talks
:22:12. > :22:20.with her mouth full. This got complaints because it caused car
:22:20. > :22:26.crashes? I'm not surprised, that is her listen to Radio 3. If she
:22:27. > :22:30.tweaks the other one she gets Radio Five Live. This is the list of ads
:22:30. > :22:34.released by the advertising standards academy. One was of a
:22:34. > :22:38.blind footballer kicking a cat across the pitch. It received over
:22:38. > :22:44.a thousand complaints, the good news is the cat survived, and the
:22:44. > :22:48.man has won a two-year contract with Blackburn Rovers. Time for the
:22:48. > :22:58.odd-one out, Barack Obama senior, Ratko Mladic, a monkey on a dog,
:22:58. > :22:59.
:22:59. > :23:09.and the Dear Leader's wife. Is it riding dogs? Don't you, what?,
:23:09. > :23:15.
:23:15. > :23:18.what? It's about goats? Barak's father kept goats. Cherie is acting
:23:19. > :23:24.the goat. Do you remember anything about Mladic when he was arrested?
:23:24. > :23:33.Well he was a war criminal. I don't remember any goats being killed.
:23:33. > :23:39.was with goats. You mean he was "with goat", what? That's a miracle.
:23:39. > :23:46.Do you think Cherie ever has had an experience with goats? Behave.
:23:46. > :23:49.is the Cherie link with goats? Maybe there isn't one. Ten points.
:23:49. > :23:54.They have all herded goats, apart from Cherie Blair, who will do so
:23:54. > :24:04.in the next few weeks. She is herding 20 goats over London Bridge
:24:04. > :24:05.
:24:05. > :24:11.next month for charity. She is. Whoa. Does she get money for any
:24:11. > :24:16.live goat she gets across the bridge. It is heavy traffic. She is
:24:16. > :24:21.strapping them to Volkswagens. she fire the goat. Out of a canon?
:24:21. > :24:28.Put them in a canon and fire them at other people. Is it like Angry
:24:28. > :24:33.Birds, but with live goats. American animal display team,
:24:33. > :24:38.features monkeys riding dogs, herding goats. I believe velcro is
:24:38. > :24:48.an essential ingredient. They have all herded goats, who will do so
:24:48. > :24:54.over the next few week. Its a strange thing to do over a p-p-p-u-
:24:54. > :24:57.b. Campbell stumbles over the word "publicity"! According to the
:24:57. > :25:02.Independent, Ratko Mladic kept goats which he named after
:25:02. > :25:08.political figures he despised, how petty I thought when I was out
:25:08. > :25:16.walking my dogs, Gordie, Mandy and Clare Short. Now the guest
:25:16. > :25:25.publication, Spinning News. We start with, question, will
:25:25. > :25:30.spinning give me what? Answer, no. The missing word is in the question.
:25:30. > :25:35.Shut the BEEP up? I thought you were meant to be all cool under
:25:35. > :25:43.pressure! You have just shut the BEEP up! I told you would get him
:25:43. > :25:53.to snap, didn't I, didn't I say! APPLAUSE.
:25:53. > :26:07.
:26:07. > :26:15.What the hell is that? Carry on Ian? Security! (bagpipes play)
:26:15. > :26:25.(buzzer) I give up, I did it, I did APPLAUSE.
:26:25. > :26:31.Do you know what he was playing, the BSkyB Boat Song. The answer is,
:26:31. > :26:35.a big butt. Next, what was the worst party ever? If you say Labour,
:26:35. > :26:45.I will play my bagpipes again? would be ridiculous to say Labour,
:26:45. > :26:48.
:26:48. > :26:52.it is new Labour! Nazi? What? was the worst party ever. I was
:26:52. > :26:56.answering the question, I was looking at you, but I was answering
:26:56. > :27:01.the question. The answer is the Clinton charity gall LA the worst
:27:01. > :27:08.party ever, you have obviously never been invited to one of Ed
:27:08. > :27:15.Miliband's bog le and fondue evenings. The final course is Paul
:27:15. > :27:20.and Ian two, Paul and Ross 55. Before we go, there is just time
:27:20. > :27:28.for the caption competition. Guardsman selected for live
:27:28. > :27:33.sacrifice as climax to Jubilee celebrations! On which note we say
:27:34. > :27:39.thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop, and Ross Noble, Nick Hewer
:27:39. > :27:44.and Paul Merton. I leave you with news after speaking for four hours
:27:44. > :27:50.Tony Blair is told won't be receiving a fee from the Leveson
:27:50. > :27:57.Inquiry. In London someone finally replies to a pe nice enlargement e-