:00:43. > :00:49.Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Kirsty Young. In
:00:49. > :00:59.the news: After Prince Philip is taken to hospital, his senior aides
:00:59. > :01:02.
:01:02. > :01:06.In Westminster, as ministers are told to carry out yet another
:01:06. > :01:15.stringent round of redundancies, George Osborne is greeted by the
:01:15. > :01:19.few remaining staff in his private And after sitting through dozens of
:01:19. > :01:23.acts that she would never have chosen to watch at her Jubilee
:01:23. > :01:33.concert, the Queen was at last able to enjoy herself at the after-show
:01:33. > :01:41.
:01:41. > :01:47.On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who says he can't remember what he
:01:47. > :01:53.did from the age of 18 to 26. So on drugs then. Please welcome Greg
:01:53. > :01:58.Davies. APPLAUSE
:01:58. > :02:03.And with Paul tonight is a writer, broadcaster and poker player who
:02:03. > :02:07.recently won the 5,000 euro event in Monte Carlo. That was way back
:02:07. > :02:11.in April when the euro was actually worth something. Please welcome
:02:11. > :02:15.Victoria Coren. APPLAUSE
:02:15. > :02:21.So we start with the bigger stories of the week. Paul and Victoria,
:02:22. > :02:26.look at this: This is the magnificent sight of the flotilla
:02:26. > :02:30.on the Thames. That's the Royal Family enjoying themselves. That's
:02:30. > :02:34.what horses used to look like 60 years ago, we didn't have horses
:02:34. > :02:40.after the war. That's what we've got now. It's a Jubilee I think.
:02:40. > :02:43.This is not the hardest question we've ever been asked. I managed to
:02:43. > :02:48.catch a heart warming moment halfway through when the Queen
:02:48. > :02:54.almost smiled. I have a feeling she was there thinking "I've been given
:02:54. > :03:01.someone else's day out by mistake." This is an 86-year-old lady monarch,
:03:01. > :03:06.they've given her a boat trip and a pop concert. This is the four-day
:03:06. > :03:14.celebration of the Queen's Jubilee. Let's start with that flotilla. It
:03:14. > :03:19.was inspired by the 18th century painting for the Lord mayor. He has
:03:19. > :03:25.to be quick. Some of those are moving quite rapidly. Let's look at
:03:25. > :03:30.the flow till ya. That's the leading boat, honestly. Was anybody
:03:30. > :03:34.there, did you gee long? I was there. I thought it was fantastic.
:03:34. > :03:43.With the greatest of respect, could you see through the crowds?
:03:43. > :03:47.APPLAUSE To be honest, most people seemed to
:03:47. > :03:50.be enjoying it. There were huge numbers of people. The boats were
:03:50. > :03:54.fabulous. The BBC got into lots of trouble with its coverage. What it
:03:54. > :04:00.did is what it usually did is underestimate the general public
:04:00. > :04:03.and thought they're stupid, they'll want to see Fearne Cotton. And Matt
:04:04. > :04:08.Baker and some people from The One Show. Literally, in the crowd I was
:04:08. > :04:11.with, there were about ten people more interesting and better
:04:11. > :04:17.informed than everybody on the entire BBC for the whole day.
:04:17. > :04:22.do people want though? Spectacle. Music. The spectacle is there.
:04:22. > :04:27.People criticised the BBC's commentary, it wasn't intellect
:04:27. > :04:31.wally rigorous. It is a load of people going down the river on
:04:31. > :04:36.boats. That's the kind of intellectual rigour we've come to
:04:36. > :04:40.expect from you. Would you have wanted people to go "There's a
:04:40. > :04:46.Queen on the boat there." Puts me in mind of the time I read the ill
:04:46. > :04:51.yad. If you're going to interview people on the route, they're
:04:51. > :04:56.largely people who spend their lives dressed in union jabgz.
:04:56. > :05:01.Absolutely not. I'm in the crowd, next to a man whose son in one of
:05:01. > :05:05.the flotillas. Up the river comes a barge of Indian blokes in full
:05:05. > :05:08.tartan, playing pipes and drums, the sound fills the entire river.
:05:08. > :05:12.It was fabulous. I thought where else are you going to get that?
:05:12. > :05:17.This is worth turning out for. No, they're not all full of idiots in
:05:17. > :05:24.stupid hats. APPLAUSE
:05:24. > :05:27.Will you concede there were some idiots? Yes. Well, yes. It puts
:05:27. > :05:32.people into extraordinary postures. Early on, they referred to the
:05:32. > :05:38.Thames as a noble river. I don't know if it is. I don't know if
:05:38. > :05:43.rivers can be noble. I used to live near the Thames and we used to get
:05:43. > :05:51.a jar full and put it on the mantelpiece and looked at it. It
:05:51. > :05:59.looks muddy. It was described the Lord mayor's day flotilla as music,
:05:59. > :06:05.and peels of ordnance both from ye vessels and the short. We got Aaron
:06:05. > :06:10.Barnard, putting the camp in campanology. Are you sure it's not
:06:10. > :06:15.a mass suicide attempt? APPLAUSE
:06:15. > :06:20.Who remained sodden but unbowed throughout the flotilla? Prince
:06:20. > :06:25.Philip, surely? I don't think he was sodden. He's 91. He's been
:06:25. > :06:28.doing this for decades. He's so bored he's had to feign a bladder
:06:28. > :06:35.infection to get out of it. joined in the dancing, turned out
:06:35. > :06:42.he badly needed the toilet. Let's look at Sky News, how they covered
:06:42. > :06:47.the final stages of the pageant. 1,000 boats have travelled 7.5
:06:47. > :06:54.miles down the River Thames to mark the Diamond Jubilee... Meanwhile on
:06:54. > :06:58.the BBC... Tess Daly is being knighted by a transvestite. Tess
:06:59. > :07:04.Daly. I believe I'm knighting you for services to working in the rain.
:07:04. > :07:09.That's right, yes. I'm beginning to see your point.
:07:09. > :07:14.be fair on the BBC, it is endemic across all of television, they just
:07:14. > :07:18.make it as though everyone's so stupid. They're not making it for
:07:18. > :07:20.themselves. They do for an imaginary idiot. It's not just the
:07:20. > :07:26.BBC, not just that programme, it's all of them!
:07:26. > :07:31.APPLAUSE Tam Fry pointed out mistakes such
:07:31. > :07:37.as -- Stephen Fry pointed out mistakes as one presenter called
:07:37. > :07:45.the Queen "Her Royal Highness, instead of Her Majesty." He said
:07:45. > :07:48."Has the BBC presented a more mind numbingly programme? "QI? That's a
:07:48. > :07:53.brilliant programme. That's one of the few that isn't for morons. You
:07:53. > :07:57.can't even risk making jokes about it because it's the last programme
:07:57. > :08:03.where they imagine the viewer might be able to spell. What dot BBC
:08:03. > :08:09.admit to, this is a classic phrase? Trying too hard. It agreed that it
:08:09. > :08:13.didn't own the tone of the flo tilla. Own the tone? According to
:08:13. > :08:18.the independent, as the Spirit Of Chartwell ferried the Queen between
:08:18. > :08:25.the raised halves of Tower Bridge, the BBC cut to HMS Belfast where
:08:25. > :08:30.Fearne Cotton was talking to war veterans. "Cor, you got hit by a
:08:30. > :08:38.tore bead yoz didn't you, and you held on to a dead shark." -- tr
:08:38. > :08:43.peed yoz. What surprised were lying in wait? Boris turned up on a boat.
:08:43. > :08:49.Someone next to me shouted at him "Is that your wife, Boris?
:08:50. > :08:53.From the roof of the royal Festival Hall a message spelt out in
:08:53. > :08:58.semaphore flags, we'll go to the BBC's Paul Dickenson, who at last,
:08:58. > :09:02.realised that he did need expert help. His nautical expert is Tom
:09:02. > :09:07.Cunliffe. This is his chance to shine. We have semaphore here just
:09:07. > :09:10.on the top level of the royal fast Val hall. I think you can
:09:10. > :09:17.understand that can't you? haven't got a clue.
:09:17. > :09:23.LAUGHTER How.Queen get maximum enjoyment out
:09:23. > :09:27.of the Diamond Jubilee? She had ear plugs in. She d. She's nervous
:09:27. > :09:32.around fireworks. They were the good bit. That was incredible.
:09:32. > :09:37.Madness on top of the house. While they were singing, they were
:09:37. > :09:41.projecting images of small terrace houses and blocks of flats onto
:09:41. > :09:45.Buckingham Palace, which is almost taunting the poor, isn't it? This
:09:45. > :09:49.is what you live in, this is what we live in. I imagine there was a
:09:49. > :09:53.meeting before the concert where stkpwarery, I imagine Ken Barlow
:09:53. > :09:59.chairs it and they talked about how -- Gary bar low chairs it and they
:09:59. > :10:03.talk about how to capture the spirit of Britain and one member
:10:03. > :10:12.says "Maybe we can have the Jamaican singer Grace Jones, hoola
:10:12. > :10:17.hooping?" What can you more British than that. I love the idea that the
:10:17. > :10:22.rest of the panel were going "Let him have this." Seriously his
:10:22. > :10:26.wife's left him. In the build up to the concert, BBC reporter, Lizo
:10:26. > :10:30.Mzimba coped well with that age-old problem of someone who thinks it
:10:30. > :10:34.would be funny to get in the back of shot. We're talking to the stars
:10:34. > :10:41.and headline acts here back stage at the Palace. Aye huge array of
:10:41. > :10:46.talent on zaidge -- on stage, Stevie Wonder, Elton John, and the
:10:46. > :10:52.man the driving force behind it all, Gary Barlow.
:10:52. > :10:59.APPLAUSE It was a small group of Republicans
:10:59. > :11:07.who staged a protest on the Thames. Let's look at some monarchists.
:11:07. > :11:11.More monarchists and... Meanwhile what did Sally Bercow do before
:11:11. > :11:17.attending the service at St Paul's? She tweeted saying isn't the
:11:17. > :11:23.Jubilee a load of rubbish. I didn't read it. Did you? Ridiculous
:11:23. > :11:29.monarchists, I'm going with no pants on hash tag speak.
:11:29. > :11:36.APPLAUSE She described royalist members of
:11:36. > :11:42.the public as mindless flag-waving loons. How.celebrations end?
:11:42. > :11:46.Fireworks, lighting of beacons. Let's enjoy that moment then after
:11:46. > :11:56.the celebratory volley of gunfire. Tradition demands that the military
:11:56. > :12:09.
:12:09. > :12:13.band is conducted with a man -- by Finally, let's end on a rousing
:12:13. > :12:19.rendition of the National Anthem from Charles and comil Cumbria,
:12:19. > :12:29.during their visit -- Kamila, during their visit to a street
:12:29. > :12:41.
:12:41. > :12:45.party. Note, it does have more than Not his favourite lyric I imagine.
:12:45. > :12:50.It's been a triumphant weekend for the Royal Family. At the concert
:12:50. > :12:55.Paul McCartney said "I hope Prince Philip is OK. We have got our
:12:55. > :13:00.fingers crossed." Unlike Philip who had his legs crossed for four hours
:13:00. > :13:03.which caused the problem in the first place. The Duchess of York
:13:03. > :13:13.wore the perfect outfit, dressing gown and slippers as she watched
:13:13. > :13:17.from the sofa. Ian and Gregg look at this: Baroness Warsi, spice,
:13:17. > :13:27.Cameron eating porridge, like most of his friends will be in prison.
:13:27. > :13:29.
:13:30. > :13:37.Oh, there's Jeremy Hunt. Jeremy Hunt does an amazing line in
:13:37. > :13:41.startled deer impressions. This is the serious news going on beneath
:13:41. > :13:45.the bunting, David Cameron has got to decide what to do with two
:13:45. > :13:48.people, Jeremy Hunt, the man in charge of the BSkyB bid, who was
:13:48. > :13:55.made to look guilty by the Leveson Inquiry. I'm not saying he is, but
:13:55. > :13:59.he is. Guilty of what exactly? Not having
:13:59. > :14:03.a quasijudicial frame of mind. didn't know what it meant. No. He's
:14:03. > :14:09.got to decide whether to refer him to the Parliamentary commissioner.
:14:09. > :14:13.He has referred Baroness Warsi. She's referred herself to the
:14:13. > :14:17.Parliamentary Standards Committee. She's referred herself to the
:14:17. > :14:23.sleaze watchdog. It sounds filthy. It's on odd procedure, I want to
:14:23. > :14:28.know if I'm guilty of anything bad, because if I've been up to no good,
:14:28. > :14:32.I want to be the first to know. you think she's guilty then?
:14:32. > :14:36.went abroad on a state visit with a relative, who she's in business
:14:36. > :14:41.with. Oh, he's a relative as well. David Cameron complained about that.
:14:41. > :14:45.This man travels with his favourite 50 arms dealers. She's gone with
:14:46. > :14:49.this chap, they run a spice company or something. She's trading in
:14:49. > :14:54.nutmeg. That's my kind of corruption. It's nice. She's
:14:54. > :14:57.staying at a friends house and claiming the �165 which she said
:14:57. > :15:01.she was passing onto him. He confirmed in a statement saying yes,
:15:01. > :15:06.I confirm that I charged an amount that would cover my inconvenience
:15:06. > :15:12.for being there, which intrigues me, and the extra expense. The extra
:15:12. > :15:15.expense of having someone in a room for a night, �165? I can only
:15:15. > :15:23.deduce that Baroness Warsi was operating an industrial lathe in
:15:23. > :15:27.the room. Baroness Warsi has opened herself up to the aforementioned
:15:27. > :15:35.sleaze probe... LAUGHTER
:15:35. > :15:45.That was beneath you. It's not beneath... No. What's happening in
:15:45. > :15:49.
:15:49. > :15:57.the eurozone this week? More of the If you read the Ten O'Clock news it
:15:57. > :16:01.would be short. Forget Robert Peston, get Paul in. More of the
:16:01. > :16:06.same, Spain's bust, next. They need to send money to Madrid. They're in
:16:06. > :16:10.need of a bail out, but they are falling over themselves to say that
:16:10. > :16:14.they definitely don't need it? they don't need a bail out, but
:16:14. > :16:19.they'd like a huge amount of money. They're quite desperate. They've
:16:19. > :16:22.applied to Greece. I was in Spain this summer, this is
:16:22. > :16:28.true Ian, I went to a Spanish market and the first stall I came
:16:28. > :16:33.to there was a man who was selling socks, that was one of the things
:16:33. > :16:38.he specialised in. He had chosen to specialise in another thing, it was
:16:38. > :16:46.potatoes. I just think if that's indicative of the way they approach
:16:46. > :16:50.economics... They honestly deserve what they get. So Spain's in
:16:50. > :16:56.trouble. Greece is also still in trouble. Do you not think this is
:16:56. > :17:00.relevant, what I'm saying? You seem to be changing the subject. She's
:17:00. > :17:04.developing your theme. Fine, as long as this relates specifically
:17:05. > :17:11.to that market stall, please continue. Did you see how Jeremy
:17:11. > :17:16.Paxman referred to Greece in a recent edition of Newsnight? Is it
:17:16. > :17:22.flattering terms? Not entirely. "Like a bad kebab, Greece is being
:17:22. > :17:26.vomited out of the European currency." Cyprus is trying to put
:17:26. > :17:33.a brave face on the looming crisis. Would you like to know what the
:17:33. > :17:38.head of the Cyprus national bank is called? Panicos Demetriades. What
:17:38. > :17:44.solution is being urged by Britain, the United States and indeed George
:17:44. > :17:47.Soros? Watch the football instead. Well it's pretty much that Germany
:17:47. > :17:53.should take over Europe, except Britain and tell everyone what to
:17:53. > :18:03.do. He said "It would be a German empire with the periphery as the
:18:03. > :18:04.
:18:04. > :18:13.hinterland." I can't believe no- It's perfect, isn't it? They must
:18:13. > :18:17.have been high fiveing each other in that meeting. It's been another
:18:17. > :18:19.turbulent week in politics. It's emerged that MPs have been
:18:19. > :18:24.complaining about the facilities in the House of Commons. Last week it
:18:24. > :18:28.was reported that the toilets were in a terrible state, but to be fair,
:18:28. > :18:33.they'd just been used by Jeremy Hunt before he went to the Leveson
:18:33. > :18:38.Inquiry. Also this week, Spain was dragged
:18:38. > :18:41.deeper and deeper into the eurozone crisis. George Osborne was called
:18:41. > :18:44.away from Jubilee celebrations to speak to the Spanish Finance
:18:45. > :18:51.Minister in an emergency conference call. He realised something that
:18:51. > :18:55.was wrong when Spain asked if they could reverse the charges.
:18:55. > :19:01.On Newsnight, Jeremy Paxman offended the Greek Finance Minister
:19:01. > :19:06.by referring to the Greek economy as a bad kebab. The Greek Finance
:19:06. > :19:08.Minister was so furious that he smashed all his plates in disgust
:19:08. > :19:15.and danced sideways out of the studio.
:19:15. > :19:25.APPLAUSE Let's go to round twork the picture
:19:25. > :19:37.
:19:37. > :19:42.That's Rabsi Nesbit, not known for his charm. But Glasgow people are
:19:42. > :19:47.charming. They're delightful. quite. They're not delightful. No,
:19:47. > :19:53.you're going to tell me people in Paris are rude soon. Is it not to
:19:53. > :19:57.do with Ken loach? He complained that he couldn't get the right
:19:57. > :20:01.rating for his film because of the swear words in it. He said that's
:20:01. > :20:11.how everyone speaks in Glasgow, which I'm sure can't be right.
:20:11. > :20:12.
:20:12. > :20:17.that's (BLEEP) right, they do. The Commonwealth Games are coming
:20:17. > :20:24.to Glasgow in 2014, in preparation... Politeness lessons.
:20:25. > :20:29.Yes. Thousands of Glaswegians are being sent to charm schools in
:20:29. > :20:33.preparation for the 2014 Commonwealth Games. About 10,000
:20:33. > :20:43.service industry workers will be offered a one-day course where
:20:43. > :20:50.they'll be taught to speak properly. When a woman walks bast don't shout
:20:50. > :20:58.-- past don't shout "Get your tits ooot. It's get your tits out.
:20:58. > :21:03.principles are these based on? British Telecom? No Walt Disney.
:21:03. > :21:08.was a Nazi sympathiser, but so polite. I do have a Scottish Walt
:21:08. > :21:16.Disney joke. What's the difference between Walt Disney and Bing
:21:16. > :21:20.Crosby? I don't know. Bing sings and Walt Disnae. Parts of the
:21:20. > :21:26.course will require workers to make pledges. Can you imagine what the
:21:26. > :21:33.pledges might be? Is it the tem prance pledge? One is "I will learn
:21:33. > :21:38.about the Glasgow botanic gardens. This is my favourite - I will learn
:21:38. > :21:44.to smile more often. And in other Scottish news, what was the cock-up
:21:44. > :21:51.in Edinburgh? They used the word cock about a symbol. Well they made
:21:51. > :21:56.a symbol... French symbol. Oh, was this lasagne? No. But I'm delighted
:21:56. > :22:06.to work out how you're going to join up those two thoughts. Cock
:22:06. > :22:09.
:22:09. > :22:14.and lasagne? Yeah. That's my perfect Friday, yeah. There's a
:22:14. > :22:24.story about meatballs. Tesco produced them, they thought it's
:22:24. > :22:26.
:22:26. > :22:32.Italian, let's put words on it. Coliani del munio an it actually
:22:32. > :22:37.meant donkey's bollocks. They've had to withdraw them, that's right.
:22:37. > :22:41.That must be difficult to withdraw. That's in the finest range. It's
:22:41. > :22:50.less funny than that. The organisers of the Edinburgh
:22:50. > :22:53.marathon handed out 23,000 medals. They looked like this: This is the
:22:53. > :22:58.news that Glaswegians are to be sent to charm school in preparation
:22:58. > :23:01.for the 2014 Commonwealth Games. According to the official Glasgow
:23:01. > :23:07.Commonwealth Games website, a crowd of a thousand gathered at the old
:23:07. > :23:13.fruit market to watch the bid result live. Beating the previous
:23:13. > :23:19.record by 999. According to the Daily Record, the charm work shop
:23:19. > :23:23.is based on principles created by the Walt Disney theme parks. For a
:23:23. > :23:33.terrifying white knuckle ride why not catch a late-night bus through
:23:33. > :23:38.
:23:38. > :23:47.Glasgow city centre. It's a pig. This is the pig that
:23:47. > :23:53.learned French? No. I'd be surprise today he was, I made it up. Bonjour,
:23:53. > :23:58.I am a big. It's something to do with Euro 2012. This pig is playing
:23:58. > :24:05.centre half. The number of injuries... It's not to do with
:24:05. > :24:09.football at all? Yes, it is. That was the clue I gave you. Oh, I see!
:24:09. > :24:15.It's the national animal of the Ukraine. It is a Ukrainian pig and
:24:15. > :24:22.psychic as well. It's been unveiled as the successor to Paul the
:24:22. > :24:26.Octopus. Football, my special subject, you should have said.
:24:26. > :24:30.going to predict the Euro 2012 results. Can anyone imagine how it
:24:30. > :24:38.makes predictions. Hold on, it's not going to predict the 2012
:24:38. > :24:44.results. It is. It's not. It can't make a prediction, it's a pig. It
:24:44. > :24:49.can stand on a square. Pigs are intelligent. It's about sort of
:24:49. > :24:59.mime, little bit of charade. According it a Ukrainian news
:24:59. > :25:00.
:25:00. > :25:04.source, ahead of each game the pig is going to... It's not psychic.
:25:04. > :25:08.He's going to eat from one of two plates of food, each marked with
:25:08. > :25:16.the national flags of the team playing. He's not going to like the
:25:16. > :25:20.Danish one, is he?? Slightly less important football news, Ian, Rio
:25:20. > :25:26.Ferdinand is furious about his owe mission from the squad. I'm not
:25:26. > :25:31.surprised. He was furious. I was gutted. You love his defensive work
:25:31. > :25:34.don't you? Yeah. Why is he furious? It's the belief that he's been left
:25:34. > :25:38.out of the quad not because of footballing reasons but because
:25:38. > :25:44.John Terry will be standing trial for racially abusing his brother
:25:44. > :25:50.possibly. That's what he's charged with. Isn't it worth not going to
:25:50. > :25:57.these countries any way. Aren't they full of lunatic right-wingers.
:25:57. > :26:05.I'm not sure that everybody who plays on the ring wing are lunatics.
:26:05. > :26:10.And what makes Roy Hodgson's decision ridiculous? Who's Roy
:26:10. > :26:16.Hodgson. The England manager. Martin Kelly has spent more of his
:26:16. > :26:25.career on the bench than on the pitch, who was chosen instead.
:26:25. > :26:34.that bad? The You spent more time in the dock than at your desk.
:26:34. > :26:41.all right! Simmer down. This is a psychic pig who's going to...
:26:41. > :26:45.not a psychic pig. I don't think we can judge how psychic he is until
:26:45. > :26:50.we see the predictions. We can. Suppose it gets the first six
:26:50. > :26:58.matches right, then what? Where is your no psychic pig stance then?
:26:58. > :27:05.What if he channeled the spirit of Elvis Presley. If the pig correctly
:27:05. > :27:10.predicted the future would you accept it's psychic? Is it just me?
:27:10. > :27:15.Carry on. The psychic pig. Thanks. This is a psychic...
:27:15. > :27:20.LAUGHTER This is a psychic pig who's going
:27:20. > :27:25.to predict the outcome of the matches in the European football
:27:25. > :27:29.championship. It's the first porky psychic to hit the headlines since
:27:29. > :27:35.Russell Grant was fired out of the cannon. England fans have been
:27:35. > :27:40.warned by the police in Poland, if they misbehave they will face a
:27:40. > :27:45.sonic cannon that makes victims wet themselves wr. Upon a frustrated
:27:45. > :27:51.Prince Philip called the police to see if he can borrow it. Fingers on
:27:51. > :27:59.buzzers. I feel awful, we don't know any of
:27:59. > :28:03.these. Oh, this is... Erm... That brilliant unicycle story, isn't it?
:28:03. > :28:11.It's not even a unicycle. I can't even tell you anything about the
:28:11. > :28:16.story from looking at the picture. I don't understand that photograph.
:28:16. > :28:24.The park bench is slightly blurred, which suggests the park bench is
:28:24. > :28:27.moving at some speed. He's a postman. Is he? Yes. Sort of.
:28:27. > :28:30.the penny farthing post. We've decide today would be quicker for
:28:30. > :28:35.people to ride on bicycles to deliver our letters than put them
:28:35. > :28:39.in the hands of the Post Office. He's offering his own service.
:28:39. > :28:47.is. In a village. I just made that up, but it's true?
:28:47. > :28:50.APPLAUSE This is remarkable. This is Graham
:28:50. > :28:55.Eccles from Cornwall. He has decided to set up his own postal
:28:55. > :29:04.service on a penny farthing. How does the service work? You give him
:29:04. > :29:08.a letter and he gives it to somebody else. Almost always a
:29:08. > :29:13.different person from the person he picked it up from. You're broadly
:29:13. > :29:17.right. According to the Express, customers can buy a 25p stamp for a
:29:17. > :29:22.local letter, post in a town shop and have it delivered the following
:29:22. > :29:25.day. If only it can b could be rolled out nationally. If I lived
:29:26. > :29:35.down there, I would be just for fun constantly sending letters to
:29:36. > :29:39.
:29:39. > :29:42.Glasgow. What sort of problems has he encountered? He's mentally ill?
:29:42. > :29:46.Graham says "I've had trouble find ago dresses, being barked at by
:29:46. > :29:51.dogs and buffetted by hail stones. Getting soaked to the bone is
:29:51. > :29:55.starting to get tedious. And I need a new back wheel." Just pack it in
:29:55. > :30:02.Graham, I would say. I could have told him that would happen. Then I
:30:02. > :30:11.have got a psychic pig. Did you really just get that story? Yeah
:30:11. > :30:19.it's a good idea. That's amazing. Looks like Ian's psychic Victoria.
:30:19. > :30:23.You know who is going to win of Uruguay. The Uruguay? When you dip
:30:23. > :30:29.your toes into popular culture you end up talking bollocks. This is
:30:29. > :30:33.Graham Eccles who has started his own penny farthing postal service.
:30:33. > :30:38.Graham's keen to preserve the traditions of the old fashioned
:30:38. > :30:44.postal service. Bet he still uses a kettle to steam open the envelopes
:30:44. > :30:49.that might have cash in them. Time for the odd one out round.
:30:49. > :30:54.Your four are Gordon Brown, Wallace, Aaron Barnard and Geoffrey Howe.
:30:54. > :31:00.Is it they all wear the wrong trouzsnerz It is about trousers.
:31:00. > :31:04.There was a Geoffrey Howe story... Oh, left them on a train. That's
:31:04. > :31:09.right. The ones he was wear sning Yes, it was never fully explained.
:31:09. > :31:13.So I don't know the guy with the underpants. Maybe he's the odd one
:31:13. > :31:16.out, everyone else involves trousers and he's pants. You're
:31:16. > :31:21.right. Am I? APPLAUSE
:31:21. > :31:24.They have all had their trousers stolen apart from that bloke there,
:31:24. > :31:28.called Aaron Barnard, who was sacked from his job in a pant
:31:28. > :31:35.factory after being accused of stealing some pants. He hasn't done
:31:35. > :31:39.it very subtley to be honest. did he prove his innocence? Did he
:31:39. > :31:44.have the pants tested? According to Aaron, in the telegraph he pointed
:31:44. > :31:52.out that you can see that the boxers aren't new.
:31:52. > :31:57.Oh, no. They could just be frayed, honestly.
:31:57. > :32:03.Geoffrey Howe had his stolen on a train. How did the thieves steal
:32:03. > :32:07.them? Just like the people did with that table cloth trick. They took
:32:07. > :32:11.them while he was asleep. He wasn't wearing them at the time. The
:32:11. > :32:14.police found them and returned them. He was in the sleeper compartment,
:32:14. > :32:21.he wasn't just sitting on a commuter train and someone took his
:32:21. > :32:26.trouser off. Tickets please, oh, my goodness, I haven't got any
:32:26. > :32:32.trouzurz on. In a separate but somehow related incident, he lost
:32:32. > :32:42.pajamas in Peking. What at a card game, what was going on? I've got
:32:42. > :32:42.
:32:42. > :32:47.nothing left, "I've got pajamas." don't know. He could put his day
:32:47. > :32:52.clothes on before he left the room. Then there's another incident that
:32:53. > :32:56.we don't know how. Then he lost more. Doesn't know how it happened.
:32:56. > :33:01.Comes home, oh, I don't know how I lost them darling. Pauline Macauley,
:33:01. > :33:05.Gordon Brown's mother-in-law, has revealed it a local newspaper that
:33:05. > :33:11.she stole Gordon's trousers and ties during his time in Downing
:33:11. > :33:16.Street in order to make a quilt. Here is the quilt. Was he working
:33:16. > :33:21.at a chef at the time? Does anyone know what was Gordon's reaction to
:33:21. > :33:27.the quilt? Did he love it? According to his mother-in-law, he
:33:27. > :33:31.was very happy, but he said "Are my ties really that bright?" Is that
:33:31. > :33:38.the first sentence out of his mouth or was it you made my trousers into
:33:38. > :33:43.a quilt, you mad bitch. APPLAUSE
:33:43. > :33:47.Whilst making the quilt, Gordon Brown's mother-in-law said, "I'd
:33:47. > :33:51.take fabric from his trousers, I just don't think he had the time to
:33:51. > :33:56.notice what I was doing. He was too busy wondering where that draft was
:33:56. > :34:03.coming from. Time for the missing words round,
:34:03. > :34:06.which this week features as its guest publication button lines, The
:34:06. > :34:12.Journal of the British Button Society. We start at homer at war
:34:12. > :34:21.with his wife after what? After she sells his pre-war button collection
:34:21. > :34:28.to the RSPCA in Lewisham? Is it button related. Of course it is.
:34:28. > :34:32.She goes out and buys 15,000 zips. The answer is emptying her CD cases
:34:32. > :34:36.in order to use them to store his button collection. This is from the
:34:36. > :34:41.The Journal of the British Button Society, which laments the fact
:34:41. > :34:44.that 50 members did not renew their subscriptions last year. There is a
:34:44. > :34:54.technical term for this in the button world, it's known as coming
:34:54. > :34:58.to your senses. Next, former MP fails in a bid to become... What?
:34:58. > :35:06.Professional wrestler? Yes. This is former MP Lembit Opik, here he is
:35:06. > :35:11.in action. Lembit hasn't been in a hold like that since Sian Lloyd
:35:11. > :35:18.found out about that cheeky girlment Next, most button
:35:18. > :35:28.collectors have what along the way? Dementia. Is it flirted with velcro.
:35:28. > :35:29.
:35:29. > :35:34.APPLAUSE No. The answer is picked up a stud
:35:34. > :35:38.or two. Next, people find it difficult to get rid of their...
:35:38. > :35:48.Grandmother's what? Buttons... Teeth. Body. Is it hold on the
:35:48. > :35:52.
:35:52. > :35:56.APPLAUSE Answer is tin of buttons. This was
:35:56. > :36:00.from an article in the button journal, a new collector writing a
:36:00. > :36:05.book about buttons and asked for people to reveal their anecdotes,
:36:05. > :36:09.saying she will respect any desire for privacy. Ah, yes, how many of
:36:09. > :36:14.us have button anecdotes that we will only share if our names are
:36:14. > :36:23.kept out of it. And finally, what is harder to quit than smoking?
:36:23. > :36:23.APPLAUSE The
:36:23. > :36:25.The answer
:36:25. > :36:25.The answer is
:36:25. > :36:29.The answer is swearing.
:36:29. > :36:33.The answer is swearing. This is according to a recent survey, mind
:36:33. > :36:43.you, no-one's ever died from swearing, apart from that time in
:36:43. > :36:58.
:36:58. > :37:03.(BLEEP) up, we can't hear the play. We say thank you to our panellists,
:37:03. > :37:09.Ian and Gregg, Victoria and Paul. I leave you with news that the BBC
:37:09. > :37:11.denies claims that budget cuts will affect the new series of Doctor Who.
:37:11. > :37:21.In Pyongyang, there's controversy surrounding a new fast food