:01:17. > :01:20.After more flooding hits Tewkesbury, one resident realises that he may
:01:20. > :01:23.have put the sandbags on the wrong side of the door. In an advance
:01:23. > :01:26.training exercise at JFK Airport, one unfortunate customs officer is
:01:26. > :01:29.chosen to play the role of Julian Assange. With Paul tonight is a
:01:29. > :01:32.politician who lost the London Mayoral election in 2008 and lost
:01:32. > :01:35.again in 2012. In the racing world, once you stop winning you are
:01:35. > :01:43.retired and put out to stud. Oh sorry - you already have been!
:01:43. > :01:46.Please welcome Ken Livingstone. And with Ian tonight is a writer famous
:01:46. > :01:49.for penning Father Ted of which he says, "Ted is so fondly remembered,
:01:49. > :01:54.I'll probably have it on my gravestone". Let's hope that
:01:54. > :02:04.gravestone never has to be crushed and used as landfill. It's Graham
:02:04. > :02:04.
:02:04. > :02:11.Linehan. And we start with the bigger stories of the week. Ian and
:02:11. > :02:14.Graham, have a look at this. $$WHITE. Yes they're standing, but
:02:14. > :02:17.they're not standing for him. There's the star of the show. And
:02:17. > :02:20.there's someone who didn't turn up. And there's the Prime Minister
:02:20. > :02:23.going out to have a curry. With just the two of them and a
:02:23. > :02:28.photographer. So this is the Tory conference, which was incredibly
:02:28. > :02:34.exciting, because the leader op the Conservative Party, Boris Johnson...
:02:34. > :02:37.Well if you're watching the repeat it is. There is a fantastic moment
:02:37. > :02:39.in Boris Johnson's speech when the Prime Minister was sitting in the
:02:39. > :02:49.audience, fantastically patronising, he just said, "Is Dave here? Dave
:02:49. > :02:52.
:02:52. > :02:54.you're here, yeah." Who would have thought that the leader of the
:02:54. > :02:59.Conservative Party would have been at the Conservative Party
:02:59. > :03:09.conference? His stock was boosted by the success of the Olympics.
:03:09. > :03:12.
:03:13. > :03:15.Here is what he said about it: You and me both, mate! It is an
:03:15. > :03:18.incredible set of speeches, because he made the Tory party conference
:03:18. > :03:27.give Ken Livingstone a round of applause. I'll never recover from
:03:27. > :03:31.that! Let's look at that moment. is the moment to say thank you to
:03:31. > :03:34.Tony Blair, Tessa Jowell and, yes, Ken Livingstone! Thank you. Right.
:03:34. > :03:39.I really think Ken, there is no coming back from that one. You just
:03:39. > :03:47.got a clap from Tory party conference. If that hasn't finished
:03:47. > :03:50.you, nothing will! He had to go. He has been clapping without telling
:03:50. > :03:57.them why they were clapping. So they were completely in thrall to
:03:57. > :04:00.him at the moment. And you have got to bear in mind it was after
:04:00. > :04:02.listening to George Osborne - anything's going to be uplifting
:04:02. > :04:06.after that. Osborne got through a whole speech without being booed.
:04:06. > :04:10.It's pretty good. There is a simple way of finding out how popular a
:04:10. > :04:12.politician is, as we can see hear from the Paralympics. The medals
:04:12. > :04:20.tonight will be presented by the right honourable, George Osborne,
:04:20. > :04:30.MP. Chancellor of the Exchequer. CROWD BOOS. I think it's worth the
:04:30. > :04:34.
:04:34. > :04:44.whole �9 billion of taxpayers money. You said 9 billion, but you didn't
:04:44. > :04:44.
:04:44. > :05:50.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 66 seconds
:05:50. > :05:55.bid 9 billion, it was worth about What did David Cameron do in an
:05:55. > :06:01.attempt to boost his popularity? Cut his throat? We would have heard
:06:01. > :06:09.about that! According to the Neill, he spent the week being bombarded
:06:09. > :06:18.with abuse will stop then he joined Twitter. You are on Twitter all the
:06:18. > :06:23.time? What did David Cameron say? don't know. On the substance of the
:06:23. > :06:30.conference, what with the big policy announcements this week?
:06:30. > :06:40.we're going back to being a nasty party. We have had seven years Kaka
:06:40. > :06:52.
:06:52. > :06:55.and now they dumped all that. They But you can beat up burglars now,
:06:55. > :06:59.so long as you're not grossly disproportionate, so you can kill
:06:59. > :07:01.them, but you can't poo on their head! And just to make sure that we
:07:01. > :07:07.were certain of what we could and couldn't do, Justice Secretary
:07:07. > :07:13.Chris Grayling told the Today programme: $$YELOW Thanks Chris.
:07:13. > :07:17.drag him outside and run over him with a car. What did George Osborne
:07:17. > :07:27.promise to clamp down on at this year's conference? Non--
:07:27. > :07:33.
:07:33. > :07:36.millionaires! $$green Anything that's still nice. Work shy
:07:36. > :07:38.scroungers was the phrase. Ken there has been a row about The BBC
:07:38. > :07:42.is paying people as companies rather than individuals. I've
:07:42. > :07:45.always thought of you as a person and a very individual person. But
:07:45. > :07:48.you I have found out you're a company and respect, well done.
:07:48. > :07:51.Congratulations. Well if you want advice about how to run your city,
:07:51. > :07:55.that's what we provide. I'm not a city. I know. So you wouldn't come
:07:55. > :07:58.to me, would you? I'm a farm. field! I'd like to be an area of
:07:58. > :08:02.outstanding natural beauty. But I'm not. So you're a company are you
:08:02. > :08:05.Ken? That offers advice on running a city? Yeah. With a straight face?
:08:05. > :08:09.Yeah. So you didn't set up the company to lower your tax rate.
:08:09. > :08:12.mean the only way you lower your tax rate is if you have some off-
:08:12. > :08:18.shore holding and you funnel it all through that. Private Eye has a
:08:18. > :08:21.column on that every week. I know, how it works. I'm interested in
:08:21. > :08:25.yours. I employ an economist, I employ a press officer. I employ my
:08:25. > :08:28.wife as my secretary. Well that's obviously straight. It is. I mean
:08:28. > :08:33.do you want to spend all your time handling all my e-mails and
:08:33. > :08:39.letters? No, but you could. I can't I'm flying around the worlds
:08:39. > :08:42.advising people on how to screw up their city. In the interest of
:08:42. > :08:52.balance I do have to mention the Liberal Democrats conference. Done
:08:52. > :08:58.
:08:58. > :09:03.that now! And finally who would like too see Eddie Mare's giant arm
:09:03. > :09:13.on Newsnight. The mill bands and Cameron speeches were good in their
:09:13. > :09:13.
:09:13. > :09:23.own way. Doesn't he qualify for the Paralympics. He would be good at
:09:23. > :09:24.
:09:24. > :09:29.swimming. Javelin. Basketball. Banking. Not every discipline is an
:09:29. > :09:35.Olympic sport. It is the conference season and that marks the start of
:09:35. > :09:42.autumn and the snuffing out of Olympic feel good factor. Boris
:09:42. > :09:47.Johnson, once your a mop top hosting a news quiz. Then your u
:09:47. > :09:54.you're a Prime Minister in waiting. My campaign starts here and
:09:54. > :10:04.remember a Balding Britain is a better Britain! That is a slogan I
:10:04. > :10:07.
:10:07. > :10:15.like. Look at this. Well I had a look at somebody's internet machine,
:10:15. > :10:20.I understand there was a hoax thing put on there 12 years ago. But
:10:20. > :10:25.because people have forgotten. was on the show. And apparently I
:10:25. > :10:29.tore into him. But now people claim to have seen it. None of that
:10:29. > :10:33.happened. People said, I definitely saw that, why has Paul Merton
:10:33. > :10:42.denyped it on radio two. I have been brainwashed. If I have, then
:10:42. > :10:48.how do I know? But it didn't happen. It was a hoax. But... Have we got
:10:48. > :10:58.footage of that Yes. We have. live in a caravan. Nor 12 years,
:10:58. > :10:58.
:10:58. > :11:03.yes. What do you do in the caravan. Anything I can get me hands on.
:11:03. > :11:09.was good at hiding in plain sight with that kpwhepbts. Apparently his
:11:09. > :11:16.biography is full of him admitting this and he created a smoke screen
:11:16. > :11:21.comprised of the truth. It is a brilliant disguise, you dress as a
:11:21. > :11:27.paedophile. I'm glad the BBC asked this. I'm sure this will be cut and
:11:27. > :11:34.show on ITV in three weeks time. But the thing they find annoying is
:11:34. > :11:38.the press's, oh what a shock, this revelation There is a why didn't
:11:38. > :11:42.the BBC reveal it? Well the press didn't either. It what is the the
:11:42. > :11:46.words no means F you say I knew about it, you mean you had heard
:11:46. > :11:51.the rumours. Everyone had if you knew about it. You should have done
:11:51. > :11:58.something. The only people who know about it are people to whom it's
:11:58. > :12:04.happened and they tend to be... Disadvantaged and 12 and that is
:12:04. > :12:11.why nothing came out. It is dis gusting the way the press you it
:12:11. > :12:16.against the BBC or any institution. I saw one that blamed the NHS for
:12:16. > :12:19.him wandering around hospitals and state schools. It is just... So
:12:20. > :12:26.weird. It is incredible the way they will take a serious subjects
:12:26. > :12:31.and twist it into a political attack. People were saying, he died
:12:31. > :12:40.and there were programmes say he was a much-loved national tresh?
:12:40. > :12:44.Was he everyone loved Jimmy Savile when he came on I thought, urgh. I
:12:44. > :12:48.didn't shout your a paedophile, because I didn't know. You need
:12:48. > :12:56.evidence. When that fake transcript came up, the only reason I knew, I
:12:56. > :13:00.was outside a cinema and youp of - o' group of skin heads said, well
:13:00. > :13:05.done getting the paedo. I didn't know what they were talking about.
:13:05. > :13:13.No one knew and if they did, they should be prosecuted. Well that is
:13:13. > :13:18.comic gold. The resources a paper like the Sun or The Mirror will put
:13:18. > :13:24.on to dig out something about someone who is famous. How could he
:13:24. > :13:29.get away with this. Didn't he spend a day at checkors with Margaret
:13:29. > :13:34.Thatcher? That may be an answer to your question. I'm sure the idea
:13:34. > :13:39.that you know people at the right the top. I like David Cameron
:13:39. > :13:46.knowing Murdoch, well not equiver lebts obviously. The daily mail
:13:46. > :13:53.tried to turn it into an argument about the leverson efpbgry and say
:13:53. > :13:58.said, phone hack bg was - hacking was bad but it was used for tittle-
:13:58. > :14:02.tattle. The thing that is sad, the people the people with Jim'll Fix
:14:02. > :14:06.It badges and they have that memory just wiped. We should get those
:14:07. > :14:11.badges and we can organise this, this is something Twitter would be
:14:11. > :14:20.good for. Get them and melt them down and turn into them into a
:14:20. > :14:25.giant stake and drive it through his grave! And there is the
:14:25. > :14:31.opportunity to stick the boot into the BBC sm although they would
:14:31. > :14:38.never have been interested in rumours about celebrities or young
:14:38. > :14:44.girls. The daily mail online published this picture. Is that a
:14:44. > :14:49.paparazzi snap. Done with consent. It look like it was done with an
:14:49. > :14:57.iPhone. It says she is 14 posing with a bathing suit and displayed
:14:57. > :15:01.her trim figure. She is 14. This a awful. They do it all the time.
:15:01. > :15:08.There isn't a story that isn't about a woman and commenting on
:15:08. > :15:13.what she look like, either too fat, too thin, too many children, not
:15:13. > :15:19.enough children. Then they say women can't have it all. No,
:15:19. > :15:24.because you keep telling us that. But some of Rus happy.
:15:24. > :15:31.experiment you can do with Mail online puts in the phrase "Old
:15:31. > :15:36.grown up, in the search bar, all you will get it stories about young
:15:36. > :15:40.girls hitting their 16th birthday with a frafr. It is like a dog
:15:41. > :15:45.whistle for you're now allowed to letch over this girl. One ray of
:15:45. > :15:51.sunshine there is a no one will ever need or want to do Sav
:15:51. > :16:01.impressions again. -- Jimmy Saville impressions again. There is still a
:16:01. > :16:14.
:16:14. > :16:24.costume you can get online. According to the Sana'a keeper,
:16:24. > :16:25.
:16:25. > :16:35.when Jimmy Savile visited hospital, he visited Yorkshire Ripper. To
:16:35. > :16:36.
:16:36. > :16:45.round two, the picture spinnakers. Hands on buzzers. That could keep
:16:45. > :16:54.spinning for ever and I would never know. Is it an early... I was
:16:54. > :16:58.thinking and Ernie descendant. It makes it very difficult to walk.
:16:58. > :17:02.Especially if your genitals have been replaced by a torch or stop
:17:02. > :17:11.the it is what we will be in the future. We will wear our stomachs
:17:11. > :17:17.on the inside -- outside? Experts have predicted that everyone will
:17:17. > :17:22.look like this. How drug where they when the predicted this? Apparently
:17:22. > :17:32.we will all be less hairy, have large eyes to compensate for small
:17:32. > :17:34.
:17:34. > :17:44.amounts and have quadruple chins. Why have we got torches as
:17:44. > :17:45.
:17:45. > :17:49.genitals? So we can kiss in the dark. We do anyway will stop in
:17:49. > :17:53.1000 years, we will all look like a Wayne Rooney action figure that has
:17:53. > :17:57.been left to close to the radiator. Science tests predict that our
:17:57. > :18:07.brains will reduce in size so it over the next 1000 years, our
:18:07. > :18:10.
:18:10. > :18:17.brains are getting smaller, that means that Jedward are ahead of us.
:18:17. > :18:26.He has finally been airlifted to America. He can not face trial
:18:26. > :18:32.there. It took 14 years here. It took one morning in America. But
:18:32. > :18:39.they have taken away his hook. So he appeared without his hook.
:18:39. > :18:44.gave him a plunger. They had given him a pair of rubber hands. D'you
:18:44. > :18:54.know anything about the hands he has been given? Are they the hands
:18:54. > :18:58.
:18:58. > :19:03.of a concert pianist? He will receive Custom made hands in the
:19:03. > :19:09.coming weeks. I am sorry, I don't like making jokes about it. I don't
:19:09. > :19:15.think he is a fount of comedy. Given that the last round, he is
:19:15. > :19:20.gold! Which are unlikely person found themselves in the extradition
:19:20. > :19:26.row over the summer? The Queen. She said to the BBC's Frank Gardner, I
:19:26. > :19:36.don't see why we can't not get rid of him, he has rather annoying. But
:19:36. > :19:39.
:19:39. > :19:49.in an, kill him, way. She was very good at the Olympics! That Corkey
:19:49. > :19:53.
:19:53. > :19:59.was so good. He died. The dog fox, it is never going to get any better.
:19:59. > :20:04.He just keeled over. You can make jokes about Jimmy Savile but not
:20:04. > :20:13.about the dog dying. There is a hoax about when he appeared on this
:20:13. > :20:21.programme... Speaking have ideological lunatics, Ken... Why
:20:21. > :20:27.has it been a better quick for your friend? He got elected with a 10%
:20:27. > :20:33.lead. When he turned up to cast his own vote, he was greeted by a
:20:33. > :20:43.surprising fan, Danny Glover was there. But you're still his best
:20:43. > :20:45.friend. This is the extradition. He was finally extradited and flown
:20:45. > :20:55.into New York. Though disappointingly for him, into an
:20:55. > :20:58.airport not a tall building. After his plane landed in New York, his
:20:58. > :21:02.haircut was confiscated by security. An embarrassing miss by a British
:21:02. > :21:12.airport security, though to be fair, they can just get his bottle of
:21:12. > :21:22.
:21:22. > :21:27.suncream. Now for a bonus round. Come here! It has been a big week
:21:27. > :21:37.for people doing ridiculously dangerous stunts. Let us play the
:21:37. > :21:40.
:21:40. > :21:47.wheel of idiots. That is Lance Armstrong, who is a cheat. This is
:21:47. > :21:50.the guy he went up three miles and jumped out and came down again.
:21:50. > :21:56.was 22 miles up, it is an extraordinary thing. Higher than
:21:56. > :22:03.any human being has ever looked. He is going to break the sound barrier.
:22:03. > :22:11.The landing is the tricky bit! was hoping to be the first free-
:22:11. > :22:19.falling a human to break the sound barrier. What are the major risks?
:22:19. > :22:27.How long have you got! Let's look at how it will unfold. That is the
:22:27. > :22:34.moment when I would be thinking, this was a mistake. That is the
:22:34. > :22:44.sound barrier. It is not a bungee jump, is it? This is the 23 miler
:22:44. > :22:54.freefall. If you were watching a repeat, that is the late stuntmen.
:22:54. > :22:56.
:22:56. > :23:01.The last spinner... Brilliant! was a cockroach eating competition.
:23:01. > :23:07.The man one and then collapsed in agony. Who would have thought that
:23:07. > :23:10.was bad for you. Edward was his name and he did take part in this
:23:10. > :23:17.cockroach eating competition in Florida and he did win the
:23:17. > :23:25.competition but yes, he died. it is hysterical. Any guesses as to
:23:25. > :23:33.what the prize was? A giant bust of Lyndon Johnson. The prize,
:23:33. > :23:37.according to the Telegraph, was a python. Marginally better than
:23:37. > :23:41.that-eating contest where the prize was a cockroach. I had a pet python
:23:41. > :23:51.as a kid and I turned out all right. I had an alligator as well, I was
:23:51. > :23:54.really weird. Where? In my bedroom will stop there was the bed and
:23:54. > :24:01.then three rows of tanks all the way around, filled with tropical
:24:01. > :24:06.frogs, snakes, an alligator. I also had a pet ostrich. You only just
:24:06. > :24:10.remembered? A I must have had hundreds. A couldn't keep the
:24:10. > :24:20.ostrich in your bedroom? It was when I was trekking across the
:24:20. > :24:21.
:24:21. > :24:25.desert. I carried it under my arm. Did you think you were a lot Hull?
:24:25. > :24:35.Time now for the missing words round which this week features
:24:35. > :24:41.
:24:41. > :24:51.horse brass, the journal of the How much I enjoy dressing horses in
:24:51. > :25:01.
:25:01. > :25:07.How much I enjoy dressing horses in Border. Very good. The rush for
:25:07. > :25:14.cosmetic surgery. Close, big noses. Afghan women are having surgery to
:25:14. > :25:18.enlarge their noses to help find a husband. Over here the quickest way
:25:18. > :25:28.for a woman to get an enlarged nose is to go out with Justin Lee
:25:28. > :25:44.
:25:44. > :25:50.Last horses? Is it a toilet seats? Don't be ridiculous. I thought it
:25:50. > :26:00.might look like a horse brass. is a smaller version of a toilet
:26:00. > :26:01.
:26:01. > :26:11.seat? The answer is bottle openers. In July's edition, the editor
:26:11. > :26:33.
:26:33. > :26:38.Converts to Methodism. Quite close. The answer is a causes a fierce row.
:26:38. > :26:41.Members of Reading universities's Axis society were thrown at of a
:26:41. > :26:49.freshers fair because it has played a pineapple called Muhammad Bostock
:26:49. > :26:59.it provoked strong debate on both sides.
:26:59. > :27:09.
:27:09. > :27:17.Mark before we go, time for the caption competition. Horse invents
:27:17. > :27:27.Pot noodle phone and allows him to speak directly to a brick wall!
:27:27. > :27:32.
:27:32. > :27:38.Finally? Kaka Ken, you have lost the election! On which note, we say
:27:38. > :27:42.thank you to the panellists. I leave you with news that after
:27:42. > :27:50.another she is hijacked of the North African coast, the Somalian
:27:50. > :27:58.ambassador is summoned to the White House. Members of China's Olympic