Episode 10

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:00:49. > :00:52.Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Daniel Radcliffe.

:00:52. > :00:59.In the news this weeblg, as austerity begins to bite, one old

:00:59. > :01:05.lady stops by to check on her bank balance.

:01:05. > :01:10.It has been years in the creation, but at long last Amstrad unveil

:01:10. > :01:14.their answer to Apple's MacBook Air. And in the week of his pre-Budget

:01:14. > :01:19.announcement, there is more bad news for George Osborne, as it

:01:19. > :01:23.emerges that even Mr Bingley has had his house repossessed.

:01:23. > :01:30.With Ian tonight is a comedian I insisted was on the show, partly

:01:30. > :01:34.because he's very funny, but also because he makes me look tall. Andy

:01:34. > :01:38.Hamilton. And with Paul, is one of the few

:01:38. > :01:43.Radio One DJs that we are comfortable having on the show,

:01:43. > :01:50.please welcome Sara Cox. We start with the biggest stories

:01:50. > :01:54.of the week, Ian and Andy take a look at this.

:01:54. > :02:00.Andrew Mitchell, the former Chief Whip, caught on CCTV. It is a

:02:00. > :02:04.controversy. Hello, hate mail. of the ham heir "pleb and proud".

:02:04. > :02:09.That is Michael Crick. The reporter who got to the heart of the story.

:02:09. > :02:14.What is the heart of the story? is Christmas panto. The heart of

:02:14. > :02:18.the story is everyone thought the bad person here was the Chief Whip,

:02:18. > :02:27.Andrew Mitchell, it may be the police themselves. I said it was

:02:27. > :02:34.panto! That is sort of how these stories behave. I don't think it is

:02:34. > :02:40.panto what do you think boys and girls? Oh no they wouldn't! Oh yes

:02:40. > :02:44.they would! They wouldn't fake a police log? Oh yes they would!

:02:44. > :02:50.think they would. Would they have it in for the Chief Whip because he

:02:50. > :02:57.was going to impose odd terms and conditions on them? Oh yes they

:02:57. > :03:02.would! Are we doing the show like this? Are you easily manipulated?

:03:02. > :03:06.Yes we are! Some more than others. A lot of police misconduct is down

:03:06. > :03:10.to t if it is your policeman and your job is to standby the gate.

:03:10. > :03:15.You are getting towards the end of the day, the one with the short

:03:15. > :03:19.temper is coming towards you. You see him pushing his bike, you say

:03:19. > :03:23.Mr Mitchell, this gate is only for disabled unicorns now. And as he

:03:23. > :03:26.goes, you go, sorry Mr Mitchell, can you talk more slowly, so it can

:03:27. > :03:29.all be written down by a pretend tourist over there. You have to

:03:29. > :03:34.remember this is the first Government for a good 20 years that

:03:34. > :03:38.has tried to reform the police. It has tried to cut pay and wastage.

:03:38. > :03:41.There has been a report into the police by this man called Tom

:03:41. > :03:45.Windsor, and they don't like T the Police Federation, if you think

:03:45. > :03:49.there are dark forces at work in his world, you should try the

:03:49. > :03:55.Police Federation! You have just compared the head of the Police

:03:55. > :03:58.Federation to Voldemort! The chief of the Met is in a very difficult,

:03:58. > :04:02.Hogan-Howe. He's in a very difficult situation. The eyewitness

:04:02. > :04:08.who is a member of the public, was neither a member of the public, nor

:04:08. > :04:11.an eyewitness. But the rest of it, the rest of it could all be true,

:04:11. > :04:15.perfectly true. The small detaifl him not having been there is the

:04:15. > :04:21.prob -- detail of him not being there is the problem. If we can

:04:21. > :04:25.give this to you, we are going to watch the CCTV footage, you are

:04:25. > :04:33.playing to play Andrew Mitchell and I will be the policeman. Let's see

:04:33. > :04:37.if we can make it fit the pictures. Can I exit through the main gate?

:04:37. > :04:41.Sorry Sir, cyclists have to exit through the side gate. I'm the

:04:41. > :04:45.Chief Whip and I have to exit through centre gate. I'm more than

:04:45. > :04:50.happy to open this, no officer has to open the main gate, this is the

:04:50. > :04:54.policy we have been directed to follow. I'm the Chief Whip, I'm the

:04:54. > :04:59.Chief Whip, open the main gate. more than happy to let you through

:04:59. > :05:05.the side gate, but it is policy not to exit through the main gate.

:05:05. > :05:10.not exiting through the president destrain get? There's a good

:05:10. > :05:19.gentleman. Learn you are BEEP place, you don't run this BEEP Government.

:05:19. > :05:25.You have a point there. You're quite informed, Ian. Oh no he

:05:25. > :05:29.didn't! Nobody thought he was, they didn't do it then! Can you explain

:05:29. > :05:33.why all inquiries steam to take so long? -- seem to take so long? And

:05:33. > :05:37.why they are so expensive? Well, because there are lawyers involved,

:05:37. > :05:44.and lawyers have to take a long time, because they are paid by the

:05:44. > :05:47.hour! Good, thank you for clearing that up for me. Who would like to

:05:47. > :05:51.see Andrew Marr talk to Boris Johnson about population statistics.

:05:51. > :05:56.It is more interesting than it sounds. Since I have been Mayor of

:05:56. > :06:06.London, in the last four years, the city seems to have acquired another

:06:06. > :06:07.

:06:07. > :06:10.600,000 people. I'm not saying it is all down to you! Down to you!

:06:10. > :06:14.This is the exact opposite of Bradley Wiggins, Britain's least

:06:14. > :06:20.popular cyclist, Andrew Mitchell, the Sun reported the latest

:06:20. > :06:26.developments over Andrew Mitchell's foul-mouthed tirade, it seems

:06:26. > :06:35.trivial compared to another MP's callous insieplt to violence.

:06:35. > :06:45.A- in citement to violence. That is what David Cameron wrote in

:06:45. > :06:46.

:06:46. > :06:49.Nick Clegg's Christmas card! There we have, we have David Cameron the

:06:49. > :06:54.aforementioned Queen, the first Monarch to attend the cabinet

:06:54. > :06:59.meeting since 1787, or something like that. You can see she's

:06:59. > :07:09.absolutely thrilled to be there. That broach actually skwirts water.

:07:09. > :07:11.

:07:11. > :07:18.Wait a minute -- squirts water. Wait a minute. They gave her gifts?

:07:18. > :07:22.60 place mats, with pictures of the palace on. From a tourist shop.

:07:22. > :07:27.That is what you get the woman who has everything, something shit!

:07:27. > :07:34.would want a picture of somebody else's house on them. Not of her

:07:34. > :07:38.own. Unless it is a subtle hint, this is where you live, in case she

:07:38. > :07:42.forgets. And the Foreign Office gave her a bit of Antarctica, they

:07:42. > :07:47.didn't even wrap it, she wasn't impressed. We have the seem photo

:07:47. > :07:51.that was taken of the Queen, and her cabinet. They are all having a

:07:51. > :07:54.fantastic time. In the top right- hand corner we have John Terry, I

:07:54. > :07:59.think. Didn't she say something about

:07:59. > :08:09.going to the bank. She made a gok to George Osborne saying.

:08:09. > :08:22.

:08:22. > :08:27.Why have we got subtitles, it isn't The Killing. Most of us can get

:08:27. > :08:31.that. Is she the mystery guest? There is a pattern developing, she

:08:31. > :08:35.went to the Bank of England, and got them to show where they keep

:08:35. > :08:40.all the gold. She was at Number Ten sussing out the joint this week.

:08:40. > :08:50.She's always, under any pretext, visiting army bases. Clearly, she's

:08:50. > :08:50.

:08:50. > :08:55.planning a coup! Since it is Christmas, who would like to see

:08:55. > :08:59.the US secretary jefpb, Ban Ki Moon, attempting -- secretary-general,

:08:59. > :09:03.Ban Ki Moon, attempting to sing a Christmas song.

:09:03. > :09:10.# I'm making a list # Checking it twice

:09:10. > :09:19.# Going to find out...$$NEWLINE # Going to find out...$$NEWLINE #

:09:19. > :09:23.Naughty or nice # Ban Ki Moon is coming to town!

:09:23. > :09:26.that doesn't bring peace to Syria, I don't know what will.

:09:26. > :09:30.This is the Queen's visit to Downing Street. The Queen's name

:09:30. > :09:37.was given to a huge stretch of land in Antarctica, cold, remote and

:09:37. > :09:44.shrinking by the year, the Queen is Ian and Andy here is another one

:09:44. > :09:51.for you. The building with a hole in it, the BBC. That's the chairman

:09:51. > :09:54.BBC Trust, introducing the Director General. This is the BBC looking

:09:54. > :09:57.into itself. They got slammed for not broadcast ago story about a

:09:58. > :10:01.paedophile, and then broadcasting a story about someone who wasn't a

:10:01. > :10:07.paedophile. That was a pity. If they had done it the other way

:10:07. > :10:12.round, we would all be saying, how brilliant! When you put it like

:10:12. > :10:16.that it doesn't seem so bad. Nobody has been fired, but the deputy Head

:10:16. > :10:20.of News has resigned. Steve Mitchell and the BBC have said he

:10:20. > :10:30.gets to work his six months' notice on full passion before retiring on

:10:30. > :10:35.a full BBC pension. And then you get out and stay out! This is a

:10:35. > :10:39.slightly bizarre thing that the BBC chairman, Chris Patten, had to say,

:10:39. > :10:42.when the report was released. REPORTER: Do you think he is honest,

:10:42. > :10:49.dishonest and questions to answer? And when did I stop beating my

:10:49. > :10:52.wife! Is that real? I don't know if that's him telling us that he has

:10:52. > :10:56.done that? I think he's trying to say the questions are all set up.

:10:56. > :11:02.Right, the only man to lose his job, George Entwistle, what has he said

:11:02. > :11:06.about the report? It has exonerated him. The big question was whether

:11:06. > :11:09.they didn't put out the Newsnight in order to put out tributes to

:11:09. > :11:13.lovable DJ Jimmy at Christmas. A lot of journalists and cynical

:11:14. > :11:20.people thought they ditched the investigation so they could put out

:11:20. > :11:30.a lovely light-ent, "isn't Jimmy wonderful", George Entwistle has

:11:30. > :11:31.

:11:31. > :11:35.said that is not true. He that, and he is facing an inquiry over why

:11:35. > :11:39.he's allowing the continuing broadcast of the One Show. He made

:11:39. > :11:43.it clear he told Helen Boaden and two other BBC executive that is he

:11:43. > :11:48.had decided to protect the BBC and the BBC News within it, and he was

:11:48. > :11:53.going to make a statement that makes it impossible for Peter

:11:53. > :11:55.Rippon not to resign. I don't know what that means and I was getting

:11:55. > :11:59.into The Chamber of Secrets when I was 12.

:11:59. > :12:06.How much did it cost? �2 million. Which you could have fired four

:12:06. > :12:12.Entwistles for. I worked at the BBC from 1976 I started, I tell you it

:12:12. > :12:18.was a hot bed of boarish, sexist, misogyny, just like the Post Office,

:12:18. > :12:22.where I worked in 1975 and Harrods where I worked in 1974 you don't

:12:22. > :12:27.need an inquiry to find out the prevailing attitudes of the 1970s,

:12:27. > :12:33.just watch an episode of On The Buses. It strikes me the three

:12:33. > :12:37.institutions you worked at all of them, that's odd, isn't it! This is

:12:37. > :12:42.the long-awaited Pollard report, which has concluded that the BBC

:12:42. > :12:46.was completely wrong 30 years ago to employ Sue Pollard. Following

:12:46. > :12:51.the fold fold report, the former Newsnight editor, Peter Rippon, has

:12:51. > :12:56.been moved to new duties, he has been moved from Head of Arses to

:12:56. > :13:04.Head of Elbows. The revelations have continued to hit the front

:13:04. > :13:10.page, clutding the BBC Bungle -- including the BBC Bungle probe, not

:13:10. > :13:20.Bungle too. Nobody is sure who fixed it for BBC Head of News,

:13:20. > :13:24.fixed it for BBC Head of News, Right this is a very complicated

:13:24. > :13:27.way to show the world will finish. Blimey, look at that, that is the

:13:27. > :13:31.end of Leamington Spa. Yeah, the Mayans, I believe, believed that

:13:31. > :13:34.the world's going to finish tomorrow or today, if we are going

:13:34. > :13:38.to pretend this is day, it is Friday today. It is not really, it

:13:38. > :13:41.is Thursday. But Friday, the world is going to end in about three

:13:41. > :13:45.minutes time. That is a nuisance for Ian, he's in the lead. Should

:13:45. > :13:49.we all just, does everyone want to stand up in the audience and say

:13:49. > :13:53.who they really hate, their bosses, the in-laws and that, get it all

:13:53. > :13:57.out now, because the world will end any way. More make love. Just make

:13:57. > :14:00.love. I'm sure if the world was going to end, the start of that

:14:00. > :14:05.process would have already begun, who knows? Nobody believes it, the

:14:05. > :14:09.Mayans don't believe it either. in ten people are a little bit

:14:09. > :14:19.worried about it. It is just a calendar, it is a very long cycle.

:14:19. > :14:21.

:14:21. > :14:26.Like when it goes from spin to rinse. Or from April to May!

:14:26. > :14:31.way a lot of people have misinterpreted t and saying the

:14:31. > :14:37.Mayans are deep and prophetic and they must no. There is a Mr Liu

:14:37. > :14:42.Qiyuan, who has built something? ark. A shelter. An underground

:14:42. > :14:47.bunker. It is a survival pod. There it is.

:14:47. > :14:50.Is that completely hollow, if it starts rolling he's going to get

:14:50. > :14:56.properly bruised. He's also very reliant on where it rolls as to

:14:56. > :15:02.whether he can get out or not! says it is tsunami proof if you

:15:02. > :15:09.close the door. What if the earth is invaded by giant football-loving

:15:09. > :15:15.aliens. NASA has felt obliged to all this bollocks, I mean

:15:15. > :15:19.speculation. They made a four- minute film named The World Didn't

:15:19. > :15:23.End Yesterday. They released it a week earlier, they said, if you are

:15:23. > :15:28.watching the video it means only one thing...get a life! British

:15:28. > :15:33.reaction has been wonderful, British and restrained. The AA have

:15:33. > :15:38.been issuing advice for motorists. The world should end, pull over to

:15:38. > :15:44.the nearest lay-by. It is really that good, they said drivers should

:15:44. > :15:48.allow extra time for their journey! And what did the London Fire

:15:48. > :15:51.Brigade advise? Put a hosepipe in your mouth and turn the tap on.

:15:51. > :15:53.They suggested people fit a smoke alarm on each floor, so they would

:15:53. > :15:57.be alerted to the fire and brimstone spreading through the

:15:57. > :16:04.house. Yes, this is the end of the world,

:16:04. > :16:10.due to happen any moment now, or if you are watching the repeat, wha-

:16:10. > :16:17.hey! This is according to the Mayan calendar. I have not seen it, but I

:16:17. > :16:20.imagine Miss December looks very gloomy! According to the Guardian,

:16:20. > :16:25.the Chinese Communist Party have detained 90 people for spreading

:16:25. > :16:30.rumours the world is about to end. And knowing China, for those 90

:16:30. > :16:35.people, it probably will. And so so round two, Daniel

:16:35. > :16:40.Radcliffe's jolly wonder land of festive Christmas tidings. Here is

:16:40. > :16:50.a glorious scene. There are clues to the news story q which he kindly

:16:50. > :16:51.

:16:51. > :16:56.painted in. Here is the first one. Oh no.

:16:56. > :17:00.Is this Starbucks offering to pay some tax? It is not, this is the

:17:00. > :17:04.news that a Starbucks campaign to spread the cheer back fired, after

:17:04. > :17:07.it was hijacked by Twitter users. Next to the Natural History Museum,

:17:07. > :17:16.Starbucks is sponsoring the ice rink, you are allowed to text in

:17:16. > :17:26.any message you liked as long as you put the hashtagspreadthecheer.

:17:26. > :17:58.

:17:58. > :18:02.That was predibltable. You wouldn't -- predictable, you wouldn't have

:18:02. > :18:07.to be a Mayan to see that. Of this the Starbucks Twitter screen

:18:07. > :18:17.hijacked by tax protestors. One of the tweets displayed at the Natural

:18:17. > :18:18.

:18:18. > :18:27.Something they agreed down the road at the HMV & A, and in New York at

:18:27. > :18:34.the Guggenheim. Fingers on buzzers, here is the next clue.

:18:34. > :18:42.This is the norovirus, that will make Christmas very toilet centric.

:18:42. > :18:49.The yule tide logs will be softer this year. It has hit 880,000

:18:49. > :18:53.people this year. In March of this year, we wiped out three

:18:53. > :18:59.generations of our family, and three or four classes at the school.

:18:59. > :19:03.Everybody left, and everybody was hill from my 3-year-old's party. I

:19:03. > :19:09.triple checked the sasauges, I thought it was them, luckily it was

:19:09. > :19:13.norovirus. The doctor said you can literally just touch a wall, walk

:19:13. > :19:18.away, they were doing the traditional northern party game of

:19:18. > :19:22.touch the wall! Touch the wall! And then, you know, it can just stay

:19:22. > :19:27.there, and everybody touches the wall and they win a prize.

:19:27. > :19:29.Health Protection Agency has given some advice, thorough hand washing

:19:30. > :19:35.after using the toilet and preparing food and eating. It is

:19:35. > :19:39.odd now you have to tell public to wash their hands after going to the

:19:39. > :19:42.toilet. Shouldn't that be done in school. Basically everything Daniel

:19:42. > :19:46.just read out comes under the heading of common sense. You are

:19:46. > :19:51.not allowed to have that any more. No, no, it's gone. I'm a young

:19:51. > :19:56.person, that is why I read it out, not recognising it as common sense.

:19:56. > :20:03.How very true. Don't worry young person. You will grow wise and old

:20:03. > :20:08.one day! Sound ago bit like Dumbledore. Why was Hogwarts never

:20:08. > :20:13.inspected by Ofsted. Children being eaten by serpents, Ofsted, have

:20:13. > :20:18.questions to answer, I think. a private school, though. That's

:20:18. > :20:22.true. It is not much of a tight, Harry Potter and the Ofsted Report.

:20:22. > :20:30.What happens if you find yourself in an enclosed space at sea and

:20:30. > :20:37.someone on board as the norovirus? Duck. Throw them overboard.

:20:37. > :20:43.passengers on board P&O's cruiseship the Oriana, it was

:20:43. > :20:47.labelled the playing ship. Imagine showing off your photos after the

:20:47. > :20:51.playing ship, there is Barry and June, there is June on her knees,

:20:51. > :20:55.Barry is rubbing her back and holding her hair back a lovely

:20:55. > :20:59.couple. How did these unfortunate puking people react? At first

:20:59. > :21:04.completely in an overthe top dramatic way, then suspicion

:21:04. > :21:09.entered their eyes. Then, a cursory turn of the head and a quick glance

:21:09. > :21:14.back, meeting your eye for a second and looking out towards the distant

:21:14. > :21:19.horizon, and then, throwing up. Picture that quick. First bit is

:21:19. > :21:24.romantic and then bleurgh. They demanded refunds. You can't have

:21:24. > :21:28.your sick back, I'm sorry, it's our's now. When the ship returned

:21:28. > :21:33.to sport, the passengers threatened a sit-in, that is what they said.

:21:33. > :21:43.This is the norovirus, or, to put it in terms, Harry Potter fans will

:21:43. > :21:50.

:21:50. > :21:55.understand, from both end it is expelliar us! Fingers on buzzers.

:21:55. > :22:05.Lots of Christmas lights. When he passed them they were still

:22:05. > :22:09.

:22:09. > :22:18.lit. How did the dog's owner. How did

:22:18. > :22:23.she find where the missing lights were. She sent him to the pet

:22:23. > :22:27.hospital after finding bits of wire sticking out of Charlie's faeces.

:22:27. > :22:31.Here is a picture of Charlie taken by the vet, that is not an X-ray,

:22:31. > :22:34.he's plugged in. Charlie has been described as a

:22:34. > :22:41.repeat offender. What else has he eaten. Has he eaten all the

:22:41. > :22:45.homework. He ate my copy of Just William, I

:22:45. > :22:53.was supposed to be doing the report on. I had to go into school, and

:22:53. > :22:58.say, really, though, the dog ate it. Did the teacher say, "fantasy again

:22:58. > :23:03.Potter". What did they say. You're not on a film set, now, Daniel. I

:23:03. > :23:12.said, I know, I'm a lot less happy. And nobody's getting me coffee.

:23:12. > :23:17.know, who are all these other people, they are so close to me!

:23:17. > :23:20.This is Charlie the dog who needed surgery after swallowing a string

:23:20. > :23:29.of festive Christmas lights. As he prepared to face the operation, his

:23:29. > :23:39.owner gave him a hug and his face lit up! Time for the odd one out

:23:39. > :23:47.

:23:47. > :23:57.How does the dog smell, it is mainly food, the mouth, I suppose.

:23:57. > :23:57.

:23:57. > :24:05.So the stpianks has no nose. did he lose his nose? We're going

:24:05. > :24:11.to pick old metal nose at the bottom. He's the odd one out.

:24:11. > :24:16.The fianks. It is Voldemort. Of course it is. -- It is The Sphinx.

:24:16. > :24:24.It is Voldemort. Give the reason, you didn't give the right reason,

:24:24. > :24:34.give the best reason. I can see why Hermione lost interest. Very good.

:24:34. > :24:34.

:24:34. > :24:41.That is unstpair. Tr Unfair. He's the only one who lost their nose.

:24:41. > :24:49.They all have no nose, Voldemort's is there but it is flat. It is hard

:24:49. > :24:53.in a dog -- not to have a nose when you are a dog, because it is

:24:53. > :24:56.considered impolite. What is the matter with your's. According to

:24:56. > :25:01.Wikipedia, Lord Voldermort is the main villain in the Harry Potter

:25:01. > :25:06.books? Have they made them into books. What was the basic story,

:25:06. > :25:10.then? APPLAUSE

:25:10. > :25:15.Did it all turn out all right in the end. Yeah, it does. That's good

:25:15. > :25:20.enough for me. Time now for the missing words round, this week it

:25:20. > :25:27.features as a guest publication, the Powerful Owl, Project, my

:25:27. > :25:32.association with owls, I once killed an owl with a shovel, Harry

:25:32. > :25:42.Potter did. What forced to deny claims that he underwent 16-hour

:25:42. > :25:43.

:25:43. > :25:47.sex change to become Michelle? Obama! Mike Tyson, he has been

:25:47. > :25:53.forced to deny this. This spoof story appeared on a website and

:25:53. > :26:01.spread around the world, apparently he visited the skilled

:26:01. > :26:05.reconstructive surgeon who Terry Williams visited before becoming

:26:05. > :26:15.Serena. What about this one? Irish

:26:15. > :26:18.

:26:18. > :26:28.stereotypes. I hate tight trousers. Next.

:26:28. > :26:29.

:26:29. > :26:35.Are my only joys in life, says Pope. Can cause a leech to regurgate

:26:35. > :26:43.infection. This is advice for owl spotters to deal with leeches.

:26:43. > :26:46.Finally? Flat-faced owl. This is a man who found �85 down the back of

:26:47. > :26:51.his sofa. I have to brace myself for an immense amount of hatred

:26:51. > :26:54.from the north of England. Don't do it then. I have to do it t it is on

:26:54. > :26:58.the autocue, you know what that means. There is estimated to be

:26:58. > :27:08.�1.61 down the back of the sofa, if you live in Hull, what are you

:27:08. > :27:09.

:27:09. > :27:13.waiting for. Run out into the front garden and check! Bad wizard, bad.

:27:13. > :27:22.And so, the final scores are, Paul and Sarah have seven, and Ian and

:27:22. > :27:31.Andy have nine. Just before we go there is time for

:27:31. > :27:37.the caption competition. Police are looking for vandals with a bicycle

:27:38. > :27:44.pump. Eric Pickles, reincarnated. On which note, we say thank you to

:27:44. > :27:49.our panellists, Ian Hislop and Andy Hamilton, Cox and Merton. I leave

:27:49. > :27:53.you with news that in a candidate moment Ed Miliband reveals how much

:27:53. > :27:58.he spent on his brother's Christmas present. A bit of a letdown for