0:00:25 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Good evening.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42And...welcome...to...Have I Got News For You. I'm Kathy Burke.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43I'm Alastair Campbell.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44I'm William Shatner.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45I'm Roger Moore.
0:00:45 > 0:00:46I'm Clare Balding.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48I'm Jeremy Clarkson.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52In the news this week, Southeastern Trains stage a publicity exercise
0:00:52 > 0:00:55to prove their new trains are idiot-proof.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01LAUGHTER
0:01:01 > 0:01:02APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:06At River Cottage, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall is spotted
0:01:06 > 0:01:09coming home form John Lewis with a brand new meat cleaver.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13SCREAMING
0:01:15 > 0:01:19The scandal over how little Starbucks has paid the Inland Revenue
0:01:19 > 0:01:23takes a new twist as the company reveals its current tax advisor.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27LAUGHTER
0:01:30 > 0:01:33At a restaurant in Berkshire, Kate Middleton really goes for it
0:01:33 > 0:01:34at the all you can eat buffet.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38LAUGHTER
0:01:40 > 0:01:43And at the G8 banquet for world leaders,
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Nick Clegg is given a vital role.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48LAUGHTER
0:01:51 > 0:01:52APPLAUSE
0:01:54 > 0:01:58All right, this is the Olympic flame, is it not, the beginning of the Olympic Games.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02So the Olympics are coming to London, they've kept it secret, but now we can actually tell people.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06That's a very festive attack by al-Qaeda, look.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10How did the Olympic flame arrive?
0:02:10 > 0:02:15- It was flown.- In that plane which Boris described as a "custard-coloured comet."
0:02:15 > 0:02:17It arrived in the golden plane, as you said,
0:02:17 > 0:02:22- then on to Cornwall in a Sea King search and rescue helicopter. - Mm-hmm.
0:02:22 > 0:02:27Let's see how the waiting crowd enjoyed the historic moment
0:02:27 > 0:02:28when that helicopter arrived.
0:02:28 > 0:02:33REPORTER: Its arrival was perfectly choreographed, and hard to miss.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34LAUGHTER
0:02:38 > 0:02:42What were the organisers of a roadside hog roast
0:02:42 > 0:02:45advised not to do?
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Don't roast a hog.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51- By the side of the road.- Well... partially.- Don't light the fire. Cos it's against health and safety?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53You're on the right track.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Don't use the torch to roast the hog.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Organisers...
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Ah yes, because then if you use the torch to roast the hog,
0:03:00 > 0:03:02then the hog becomes the keeper of the eternal flame.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Then you have to march through the streets with the hog.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- The sacred hog. - The sacred hog that's alight.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08- Yeah.- It just looks stupid.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Yeah, it would look silly.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Organisers of the giant hog roast told the Independent:
0:03:15 > 0:03:17LAUGHTER
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Also, isn't there something about local businesses,
0:03:24 > 0:03:26like the Olympic Kebab Grill or something,
0:03:26 > 0:03:29that's been forced to change its name in case people think,
0:03:29 > 0:03:32"Oh, I wonder if that's the official kebab shop of the Olympic Games?"
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Absolutely. The Olympic Cafe in Stratford was told
0:03:37 > 0:03:40he couldn't call his restaurant Cafe Olympic,
0:03:40 > 0:03:41and he'd have to change the sign.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Now, it would have cost him three grand to change it,
0:03:44 > 0:03:46so according to the Newham Recorder:
0:03:51 > 0:03:52LAUGHTER
0:03:57 > 0:03:58That's very good.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01He's painted the O out, so if you have trouble finding it,
0:04:01 > 0:04:02the Cafe Olympic is at:
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- Now, there's all sorts... - Do you have to book?
0:04:11 > 0:04:12You probably do now.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16What did the residents of a block of flats in East London
0:04:16 > 0:04:17discover on their roof?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20They're going to have ground to air missiles for the Olympic Games.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22They're going to sit there gripped by the Olympics,
0:04:22 > 0:04:24and also gripped by every time a plane goes overhead,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27wondering whether that's going to be their last moment.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31So yes, people had no idea that they were going to put missiles
0:04:31 > 0:04:34on the roof of where you lived, and they're absolutely up in arms.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35No pun intended.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36LAUGHTER
0:04:37 > 0:04:42- According to the Sun, the rockets will be used to... - According to the Sun?- Mm-hmm.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45The rockets'll have big breasts and go, "Oh, hello, how you doin', all right?"
0:04:45 > 0:04:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:48 > 0:04:49This is the Olympic torch,
0:04:49 > 0:04:53which is boldly going where no Olympic torch has gone before.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54AUDIENCE GROANS
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Namely...Yes, I agree with you.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57LAUGHTER
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Namely Truro and Ilfra-cooombe.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01LAUGHTER
0:05:01 > 0:05:03APPLAUSE
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Sounds...deeply sexual.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Have you been to Ilfracombe?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- I have.- The place is laced with prostitution.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14LAUGHTER
0:05:16 > 0:05:18That's their new slogan now!
0:05:18 > 0:05:20That's right!
0:05:20 > 0:05:21"Come and get laid in Ilfracombe."
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Ah, yes, this is the magnificent sight on the Thames,
0:05:27 > 0:05:28it's the jubilee, I think... Yes...
0:05:28 > 0:05:32This is not the hardest question we've ever been asked.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36There's quite a heart-warming moment halfway through
0:05:36 > 0:05:39when the Queen almost smiled.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41I have a feeling she was there thinking,
0:05:41 > 0:05:44"I've been given someone else's day out by mistake."
0:05:44 > 0:05:47This is an 86-year-old lady monarch.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49They've given her a boat trip and a pop concert.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Why not a bungee jump and a PlayStation?
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- This is the four-day celebration... - Yes.- ..of the Queen's Jubilee.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- Did you go along?- I was there. - Were you?- Yeah.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02I thought it was fantastic, actually!
0:06:02 > 0:06:05With the greatest of respect, Ian, could you see through the crowds?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07LAUGHTER
0:06:07 > 0:06:08APPLAUSE
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Way back in the 18th century, the diarist John Evelyn
0:06:13 > 0:06:16described the Lord Mayor's Day flotilla as boasting:
0:06:21 > 0:06:23This time around, we got John Barrowman.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26There he is, putting the camp in campanology.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28LAUGHTER
0:06:28 > 0:06:30You sure it's not a mass suicide attempt?
0:06:30 > 0:06:31LAUGHTER
0:06:32 > 0:06:34APPLAUSE
0:06:34 > 0:06:36"It's John Barrowman!" "Oh, no!"
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Meanwhile, how did the Queen get maximum enjoyment
0:06:40 > 0:06:41out of the Jubilee concert?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- She had her earplugs in.- She did!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45She gets nervous around fireworks.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- No, the fireworks were the good bit.- Mmm.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50That was incredible, Madness singing on top of the house.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53What I loved about that is while Madness were singing Our House,
0:06:53 > 0:06:57they were projecting images of small terraced houses and blocks of flats
0:06:57 > 0:07:01onto Buckingham Palace, which I think is almost taunting the poor.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03LAUGHTER
0:07:03 > 0:07:06This is what you live in. This is what we live in!
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Yes, it's been a triumphant weekend for the Royal Family.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13The Duchess of York wore the perfect outfit for the occasion,
0:07:13 > 0:07:15a dressing gown and slippers as she watched it on the sofa.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16LAUGHTER
0:07:18 > 0:07:19That's Hugh Grant.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21That's Lord Leveson.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Blair.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23And Rebekah Brooks.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26And Cameron and Rebekah Brooks.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28And a witch.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29LAUGHTER
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Ian, you turned up, didn't you? You were in the very happy position of having nothing to hide.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Yeah, but I had no idea it was going to get this good.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Murdoch today - selective amnesia?
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Fabulous! The medics must be having a field day.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44"Can you remember anything about phone hacking?"
0:07:44 > 0:07:46"Noooo....."
0:07:48 > 0:07:51"Can you remember how badly all the politicians have behaved?"
0:07:51 > 0:07:53"Yeah, I bloody well can!"
0:07:53 > 0:07:54THUMPS DESK
0:07:54 > 0:07:55LAUGHTER
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Andy Coulson.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- He's been arrested for perjury.- Yes.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03- During a trial where someone else was on trial for perjury.- Yes.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06While he was actually working for the Prime Minister, which is pretty shocking.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Are you shocked, Alastair?
0:08:08 > 0:08:09- I'm shocked.- Are you?
0:08:09 > 0:08:10LAUGHTER
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I'm glad you're shocked, cos, you know...
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Some of the people that this government
0:08:14 > 0:08:16have been hanging about with...
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Rebekah Brooks?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- Know her at all?- I do!
0:08:20 > 0:08:21LAUGHTER
0:08:21 > 0:08:26- Were you shocked when she was arrested?- I've been shocked by lots of things, Ian.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27LAUGHTER
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- He's been charged, though, not just arrested.- Yeah.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- He's been charged.- Which is why Ian's being so careful.- Yeah.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38About Andy Coulson, if not about me.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39Well, they haven't charged you yet.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41LAUGHTER
0:08:41 > 0:08:42APPLAUSE
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Is it...is it hot in here?
0:08:50 > 0:08:51LAUGHTER
0:08:55 > 0:08:56APPLAUSE
0:08:56 > 0:08:58- Tom Watson made a big, powerful speech, OK?- Yeah.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- And then he cocked it up by quoting Bob Dylan.- Mmm.- What did he say?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04"The ladder of the law has no top or bottom," something like that.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05Exactly right, no, that's bang on.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07No top and no bottom.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Tom Watson says his wife left him because of the phone hacking.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- Is that right?- Yeah, well, everyone's got an excuse for it, haven't they?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16He's a neckless, adenoidal Brummie...
0:09:17 > 0:09:20..who's a pitiful waste of blood and organs.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22LAUGHTER
0:09:22 > 0:09:24I suppose briefly in his favour, when his wife left him,
0:09:24 > 0:09:27he didn't slap a super-injuction on her.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Oh, no.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30APPLAUSE
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Wahey!
0:09:32 > 0:09:33APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:09:33 > 0:09:38- SINGS:- One-nil! One-nil! One-nil!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42The committee found that Rupert Murdoch had:
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Something Wendi Deng has to do every time his little blue pills kick in.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52LAUGHTER
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Well, that's the end of your column.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59LAUGHTER
0:10:01 > 0:10:04As the wife often says to Rupert on a Friday night.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:08 > 0:10:11James Murdoch did tell the inquiry that he definitely did discuss
0:10:11 > 0:10:15the proposed takeover of BSkyB with David Cameron
0:10:15 > 0:10:19at a Christmas party at Rebekah Brooks's house in December 2010,
0:10:19 > 0:10:22something David Cameron has always denied.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Although Murdoch said, "It wasn't a discussion...
0:10:26 > 0:10:28"More of a "tiny chat."
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Something like, "Will it go through, David?"
0:10:32 > 0:10:34"Yes, James. Mince pie?" "Lovely."
0:10:34 > 0:10:36LAUGHTER
0:10:41 > 0:10:42PAUL LAUGHS
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Well...
0:10:45 > 0:10:47It's the return of Tony Blair.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- Um...- Much missed.- Yes!
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Yeah...
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Yes.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53- Er... - LAUGHTER
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- No...- To be fair, he was brilliant at Leveson.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58He didn't even flinch, he didn't blink at any point.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00You trained him well.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02When that guy jumped out and went, "You're a war criminal!",
0:11:02 > 0:11:05he didn't even...he just went, "Yeah, whatever."
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- He's obviously... - So he didn't say, "Yeah."
0:11:08 > 0:11:10In his soul, he did.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14The... LAUGHTER
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Oh, I resent that. The suggestion he has a soul. God!
0:11:17 > 0:11:19APPLAUSE
0:11:22 > 0:11:26But what else does Tony say happens when you stop being Prime Minister?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29You make tons of money for doing nothing.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33He actually said:
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- Which is a lovely line, which I wrote. - LAUGHTER
0:11:43 > 0:11:44APPLAUSE
0:11:46 > 0:11:47There's a typo.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49It should say "culpable."
0:11:49 > 0:11:50LAUGHTER
0:11:50 > 0:11:52APPLAUSE
0:11:55 > 0:11:58How much would this cost you? Do you know how much this would...
0:11:58 > 0:12:00250 quid. That's my copy!
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- 250 quid?- Yeah.- This is yours? Would you like that for Christmas?
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- Mmm.- Do you want it?- If it was wrapped with consideration. Yeah, I'd have it, yeah.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07I'll give you all presents.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Baroness, I bought you 50 Shades Of Grey, which is...
0:12:10 > 0:12:11LAUGHTER
0:12:11 > 0:12:13You've already got it.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17How did Sky News report David Cameron's reaction to the report?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19"Leave it, Leveson, or I'll cut ya!,
0:12:19 > 0:12:21"shouted Murdoch from behind the curtain."
0:12:21 > 0:12:23LAUGHTER
0:12:26 > 0:12:29And winning, that's the penguin, he won, he's Mayor of London.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30LAUGHTER
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Is that the reaffirmation of marriage vows?
0:12:32 > 0:12:33It is!
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Who was the bride?
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Nick.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39Well, we know what happens to the bride on her wedding night, don't we?
0:12:39 > 0:12:40LAUGHTER
0:12:43 > 0:12:44APPLAUSE
0:12:47 > 0:12:48No, this is the elections.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51And it didn't go very well for the coalition.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53We saw Professor Pongu there, in Edinburgh.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55He beat the Lib Dem candidate.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57He did.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58A penguin got more votes...
0:12:58 > 0:13:03There's already a whiff of scandal. There is a belief that perhaps there might be a man inside this penguin.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05LAUGHTER
0:13:05 > 0:13:06Meanwhile, Boris Johnson...
0:13:06 > 0:13:07LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:13:07 > 0:13:10..narrowly won a second term in London.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Every inch the statesman, there he is.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16What's his, um...
0:13:17 > 0:13:20What is actually wrong with Boris's shorts there?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22He's actually put them on the wrong way round.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24LAUGHTER
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Do you think they were on that way round when he left the house?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28LAUGHTER
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Ed Miliband condemned the policies mapped out in the Queen's Speech this week,
0:13:31 > 0:13:33telling the Prime Minister:
0:13:35 > 0:13:39And in two years, the Labour leader will go from Ed Miliband to David Miliband.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41LAUGHTER
0:13:42 > 0:13:44It's the G8 summit.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46That's Cameron sunning his moobs.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48LAUGHTER
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Where was the real talking done?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Going to the gym. Didn't Obama and Cameron go to the gym together?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- You see? On a treadmill. - On a treadmill, was it?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57- On a running machine. - That's pathetic.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Going nowhere, what a wonderful metaphor.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00LAUGHTER
0:14:00 > 0:14:04How has this casual approach damaged David Cameron?
0:14:04 > 0:14:08He is accused of chillaxing too much.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Chillaxing is a horrible word,
0:14:11 > 0:14:14it's a combination of chilling out and relaxing.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17And anyone who combines words like that is just a funt.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19LAUGHTER
0:14:19 > 0:14:21APPLAUSE
0:14:23 > 0:14:24So what solution to the Euro crisis
0:14:24 > 0:14:27is being urged by Britain, the United States,
0:14:27 > 0:14:29and, indeed, George Soros?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Watch the football instead.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Well, it's pretty much that Germany should take over the whole of Europe,
0:14:34 > 0:14:36except Britain, and just tell everyone what to do.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39George Soros has put it like this, he said:
0:14:42 > 0:14:45I can't believe no-one thought of this before!
0:14:45 > 0:14:46LAUGHTER
0:14:46 > 0:14:47APPLAUSE
0:14:51 > 0:14:53I mean, it's perfect, isn't it?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56They must have been high-fiving each other in that meeting.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58APPLAUSE
0:15:00 > 0:15:01This is the G8 meeting.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05In a recent speech, the former Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, declared:
0:15:19 > 0:15:22That's what you need in a crisis - a mad Scotsman shouting,
0:15:22 > 0:15:25"We cannae take it any longer, captain!"
0:15:25 > 0:15:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:28 > 0:15:31This is the American election, and Barack Obama has won convincingly.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35That's Obama delivering pizzas to everyone because he's a Communist.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36LAUGHTER
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Why is it that of all the people that seem to run for President,
0:15:38 > 0:15:42there's always one of them that's a complete dodo. What's going on?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44I mean, even his name - Mitt.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Mitt?! What sort of name is that?
0:15:45 > 0:15:48What's it short for, Mitthew? I mean, what is it?
0:15:48 > 0:15:49LAUGHTER
0:15:49 > 0:15:52"Mr and Mrs Romney, you've got a new child. What are you going to call him?"
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- "We're going to call him Mitt!" - LAUGHTER
0:15:55 > 0:15:56"Why?"
0:15:58 > 0:16:00There was this widely distributed image.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Um...
0:16:02 > 0:16:03LAUGHTER
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Well, Mitt's wife, very movingly,
0:16:09 > 0:16:11described their struggle with poverty
0:16:11 > 0:16:14as a young married Mormon couple:
0:16:25 > 0:16:26LAUGHTER
0:16:26 > 0:16:28APPLAUSE
0:16:31 > 0:16:33The Times reminded its readers
0:16:33 > 0:16:36of the party symbols of the Republicans and the Democrats -
0:16:36 > 0:16:38the elephant and the donkey.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Representing both the weight and the intelligence
0:16:41 > 0:16:43of the average American voter.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Ah yes, it's...
0:16:48 > 0:16:50It's about breeding. About breeding. Babies, yes.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Well, it's the coverage, isn't it? What happened was a passer-by gave him a miniature babygro,
0:16:54 > 0:16:58and that was a few days before the baby was announced.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- Oh, you're melting with sweetness! - LAUGHTER
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Actually, I'm melting with suppressed nausea.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09And now we've got nine months of Nicholas Witchell...
0:17:10 > 0:17:11..telling us how she feels.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14And the Telegraph joined in with the speculation-fest.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Tuesday's front page asked:
0:17:18 > 0:17:21The Telegraph was so interested in whether it was twins or not,
0:17:21 > 0:17:25there was a letter saying, "If it's twins and it's a caesarean,
0:17:25 > 0:17:28"the surgeon will decide who becomes king or queen."
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- Or bring them out simultaneously... - Possibly.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- ..and have a coalition monarchy. - Oh, wow!
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Yes!
0:17:35 > 0:17:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:37 > 0:17:41What might the baby look like? Any ideas? Do you think like the parents?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Either the parents or indeed a close friend of the family.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44LAUGHTER
0:17:44 > 0:17:46- APPLAUSE - There's precedent, you know.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51This is what the Sun thinks it'll look like.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Ohh!
0:17:53 > 0:17:56My God, they'd kill it at birth if it looks like that.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00I thought the Omen was fiction.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02The baby will take its place in the line of succession
0:18:02 > 0:18:03whether male or female.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06This met with widespread approval in the papers.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08For example, one royal commentator said:
0:18:17 > 0:18:20That was Nicole, 20, from Bournemouth.
0:18:20 > 0:18:21LAUGHTER
0:18:21 > 0:18:23APPLAUSE
0:18:24 > 0:18:28This is the news that the Duchess of Cambridge is expecting...
0:18:28 > 0:18:31to be hassled by the paparazzi even more than she was before.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35A buzzing Prince Harry cracked open a jeroboam of vintage champagne
0:18:35 > 0:18:36at eight in the morning.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38And then heard the news that Kate was pregnant.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40LAUGHTER
0:18:40 > 0:18:41So now we're in Round Two!
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- CHEERING - Yes!
0:18:43 > 0:18:47And I'm going to give you musical clues to these stories.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51And this is from my latest album, which I take it you've heard.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:53 > 0:18:54OK. See?
0:18:54 > 0:18:57I appeal to the masses and not to the intelligentsia.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59LAUGHTER
0:19:02 > 0:19:05MUSIC INTRO: "God Save The Queen" by The Sex Pistols
0:19:05 > 0:19:07God save the Queen.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09LAUGHTER
0:19:09 > 0:19:10The fascist regime.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13They made you a moron.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Potential H-bomb.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Anybody got any ideas?
0:19:18 > 0:19:19LAUGHTER
0:19:19 > 0:19:20BUZZER
0:19:20 > 0:19:22- Other than throwing me out! - APPLAUSE
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Is it The Rite Of Spring by Stravinsky?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29LAUGHTER
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Well, this is news that three pensioners were evicted
0:19:32 > 0:19:35from a royal-themed tea room
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- for refusing to stand up during the national anthem.- Oh, yes.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39Who owns the tea room?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41A mad lady.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43It's Anita Atkinson,
0:19:43 > 0:19:47whose personal views on the monarchy are a little unclear.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48LAUGHTER
0:19:50 > 0:19:51At 3:00pm every day:
0:19:55 > 0:19:57LAUGHTER
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Oh, that's nice and respectful, yeah.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Is there anything else about the tea room
0:20:03 > 0:20:07- that the ejected pensioneers disliked apart from...- Pensioneers?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09That's a good word!
0:20:09 > 0:20:11That makes them sound more get up and go, doesn't it?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13"Yeah, I'm a pensioneer."
0:20:13 > 0:20:14You could say pensioner...
0:20:14 > 0:20:16but it has such a common sound.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20- No, I love it.- And you want pensioneer, like pioneer. - The Pensioneers!
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Pioneers, exactly. People who go out and get those...
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- And rest. - ..winter fuel allowances.- Yeah.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27LAUGHTER
0:20:29 > 0:20:33And say, "One for all and all for...sorry, hang on, I've forgotten what I came in for."
0:20:33 > 0:20:35LAUGHTER
0:20:35 > 0:20:37You people are messed up!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40And I say that coming from a country
0:20:40 > 0:20:44that brought you the sandwich in a can and a TV channel for dogs.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45LAUGHTER
0:20:47 > 0:20:48BUZZER
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Yeah, this is a really serious story, actually,
0:20:51 > 0:20:54and I think it should be treated with a great amount of seriousness,
0:20:54 > 0:20:58that the boy band One Direction, on a visit to, I believe it was Australia,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00held a koala.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03That's not the serious part of it.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06The koala urinated...
0:21:06 > 0:21:08SHE LAUGHS
0:21:10 > 0:21:11..on One Direction.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14In one direction or on One Direction?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17In all directions on One Direction.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21They were then told the quite frankly shocking statistic that 80%,
0:21:21 > 0:21:25that's 80%, of koalas have chlamydia.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27LAUGHTER
0:21:27 > 0:21:30There is therefore a real and present danger that One Direction...
0:21:30 > 0:21:32LAUGHTER
0:21:32 > 0:21:35..top boy band, will have contracted...
0:21:35 > 0:21:37SHE LAUGHS
0:21:37 > 0:21:39..chlamydia from a koala.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40LAUGHTER
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Is the correct answer.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47APPLAUSE
0:21:47 > 0:21:50The incident took place during a photo session.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Asked if they'd be happy to cuddle the dopey but cute-looking creatures,
0:21:53 > 0:21:55the koalas said, "Yeah, why not?"
0:21:55 > 0:21:56LAUGHTER
0:22:01 > 0:22:02BELL RINGS
0:22:02 > 0:22:04That's a waxwork.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08- It's the world's worst wax museum, the Louis Tussaud's...- Ah, Louis.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11..House of Wax in Great Yarmouth. It's facing closure.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- Shall we have a look at some of their other work?- Yes please.- Yes.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16First of all, who's this?
0:22:16 > 0:22:17Michael Jackson, obviously.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19No it isn't, that's Edwina Currie.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21LAUGHTER
0:22:21 > 0:22:22Paul, you're right. Next one?
0:22:23 > 0:22:27- Is that Ian Botham? - Ooh, you're on fire!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29I'm startled by your ability to do this.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Yeah, I'm rather startled myself, actually.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33That's just the dude at reception.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35LAUGHTER
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Daley Thompson.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38- It is actually Daley Thompson. - Oh, is it?
0:22:38 > 0:22:42I resent the premise of this. They clearly know who these people are.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44You might get William Pitt the Younger in a minute. Just...
0:22:44 > 0:22:46LAUGHTER
0:22:46 > 0:22:47BELL RINGS
0:22:47 > 0:22:48Neanderthal man.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50LAUGHTER
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- George Best.- Yes, correct.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- Ah...- George Best?!
0:22:54 > 0:22:55LAUGHTER
0:22:55 > 0:22:57- BELL RINGS - Next...- Tom Cruise.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- I can see who's behind him, is that...- Noel Edmonds!
0:23:00 > 0:23:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:03 > 0:23:05I'll give you a clue.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07- I will give you a clue.- Yeah.
0:23:07 > 0:23:15The person in that picture looks absolutely nothing like the person whose name appears on my list.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Is it the Dalai Lama?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18LAUGHTER
0:23:18 > 0:23:19It's Jim Davidson.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21LAUGHTER
0:23:21 > 0:23:24One review of the waxwork museum in Great Yarmouth said:
0:23:26 > 0:23:30Which, coincidentally, is the motto of the Great Yarmouth Tourist Authority.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32LAUGHTER
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:23:34 > 0:23:39Jesus, Rothko's Black on Maroon, Vladimir Putin and Richard III.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Richard III's just been dug up.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- Yep, his bones were apparently found in a car park.- Yeah.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Er...Vladimir Putin knows where lots of people are buried.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49LAUGHTER
0:23:51 > 0:23:53The Rothko's been defaced.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55- Yeah.- Shall I tell you?- Yeah, go on.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58They've all been painted over apart from Vladimir Putin,
0:23:58 > 0:24:00whose portrait was burnt by Pussy Riot.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05And here we come to that lovely fresco of Jesus Christ,
0:24:05 > 0:24:09which was painted over by an enthusiastic amateur restorer
0:24:09 > 0:24:11in her local church in Spain. Let's have a look.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15REPORTER: This is how Christ was depicted originally...
0:24:15 > 0:24:18And this as he looks now after a DIY restoration.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21Now, King Richard III's portrait
0:24:21 > 0:24:23was painted over during the reign of the Tudors.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25And why has he been in the news recently?
0:24:25 > 0:24:29- Cos they found his remains under a car park in Leicester, was it? - That's right.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31So he's not just been painted over, he's been tarmacked over.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33LAUGHTER
0:24:33 > 0:24:36They have all been painted over apart from Vladimir Putin,
0:24:36 > 0:24:38whose portrait was burnt by Pussy Riot.
0:24:38 > 0:24:43One supporter of Pussy Riot is former world chess champion,
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Garry Kasparov, who outside the court was attacked
0:24:45 > 0:24:48by members of the Russian Orthodox Church.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51He found himself trapped in a corner by two bishops.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Right, time now for the missing words round,
0:24:57 > 0:25:00which this week features as its guest publication,
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Cat Fancy.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Or as I call it, The Spinster.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07LAUGHTER
0:25:08 > 0:25:09And we start with:
0:25:12 > 0:25:13Massive cat?
0:25:13 > 0:25:15LAUGHTER
0:25:15 > 0:25:19I wandered lonely as a shroud, somebody's dressed up in a shroud?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21A funeral, and...
0:25:21 > 0:25:23It's actually "nuke cloud."
0:25:23 > 0:25:26This is the plan to bury thousands of tonnes of nuclear waste
0:25:26 > 0:25:27below the Lake District.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30A spokesman for the nuclear waste industry says:
0:25:34 > 0:25:35LAUGHTER
0:25:35 > 0:25:38If you're watching the repeat on Dave, all clear.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40LAUGHTER
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Dementia.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47LAUGHTER
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Is it "flirted with velcro"?
0:25:49 > 0:25:50LAUGHTER
0:25:53 > 0:25:54APPLAUSE
0:25:57 > 0:25:59No, the answer is "picked up a stud or two."
0:25:59 > 0:26:00Next:
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Is it a photograph of himself holding a carrot?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07LAUGHTER
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Dirty devil!
0:26:08 > 0:26:11"Sends donkey an ill-fitting dress."
0:26:11 > 0:26:12More surreal than that.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15A fitting dress. A well-fitting dress.
0:26:15 > 0:26:20"Djokovic sends donkey cheese market wonky."
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Oh, now, if you're just going to pick words out of a dictionary...
0:26:25 > 0:26:29This is the story that the world tennis number one, Novak Djokovic,
0:26:29 > 0:26:35has bought up all of the world's supply of donkey cheese.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Make of that what you will.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39I would make maybe a souffle?
0:26:39 > 0:26:40LAUGHTER
0:26:40 > 0:26:41It'd be a big souffle.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Yeah. APPLAUSE
0:26:42 > 0:26:43Huge.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Next:
0:26:47 > 0:26:49"I've had a tattoo."
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Absolutely nearly right.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54She says, "Tattoos are better than Botox."
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Felicity Kendal revealed this in an interview with Piers Morgan,
0:26:56 > 0:26:59although the interview I'm really looking forward to
0:26:59 > 0:27:01is the one where Piers Morgan chats to the Metropolitan Police
0:27:01 > 0:27:03about hacking at the Mirror.
0:27:03 > 0:27:04Next:
0:27:09 > 0:27:10Regained India.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12LAUGHTER
0:27:14 > 0:27:16The day the Queen threw a tantrum,
0:27:16 > 0:27:18and tipped a pot of ink over her own head.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22But only because she had run out of stamps,
0:27:22 > 0:27:25and so she had to slam her head against the envelope.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27LAUGHTER
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Is that the funniest thing you've ever heard?
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Bam!
0:27:33 > 0:27:34"Mail this!"
0:27:34 > 0:27:35APPLAUSE
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41Oh, it's a freeze frame.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:27:43 > 0:27:44Thank you very much.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49"David Attenborough lives over there, let's see how he likes it."
0:27:49 > 0:27:50LAUGHTER
0:27:52 > 0:27:55And I leave you with news that in central London,
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Boris Johnson brings a whole new meaning to the word "wiff-waff."
0:27:59 > 0:28:01LAUGHTER
0:28:02 > 0:28:06Olympic organisers admit it was a mistake to allow official sponsors,
0:28:06 > 0:28:08John West, to design the media centre.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11LAUGHTER
0:28:12 > 0:28:14And at the Institute of Contemporary Dance,
0:28:14 > 0:28:19rehearsals are under way for its carefully choreographed new work -
0:28:19 > 0:28:21"Clegg and Cameron: The Coalition."
0:28:24 > 0:28:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Good night.
0:28:29 > 0:28:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd