:00:11. > :00:19.You have seen this show before?, Conrad, you know what it entails?
:00:19. > :00:29.think so. I salute your balls. I will give you the opportunity to
:00:29. > :00:29.
:00:29. > :01:11.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 41 seconds
:01:11. > :01:14.do just that, if you want. Who says Good evening and welcome to Have I
:01:15. > :01:17.got News for You. In the news this week, after an impassioned speech
:01:17. > :01:26.denying the Conservatives are a party of privilege, Ken Clarke
:01:26. > :01:29.makes his way back to the Commons. As he and his staff are force today
:01:29. > :01:36.relocate and rent a small office, there is evidence Andrew Mitchell
:01:36. > :01:39.has yet to lose his sense of self- importance.
:01:39. > :01:49.And at Washington airport there is a security alert after some idiot
:01:49. > :01:50.
:01:50. > :01:55.leaves a bag unattended. With Ian tonight is a writer and
:01:55. > :02:00.presenter whose engagement to David Mitchell was announced in the Times.
:02:00. > :02:07.It only got there because News International hacked her phone,
:02:07. > :02:10.please welcome Victoria Coran. And with Paul is a former owner of
:02:10. > :02:20.the daily Telegraph who was imprisoned for three-and-a-half
:02:20. > :02:26.
:02:26. > :02:33.We start with the biggest stories of the week. Paul and Conrad, take
:02:33. > :02:36.a look at this. This is badgers, they have called off the cull of
:02:36. > :02:39.badgers, George Osborne is going to be culled instead apparently! This
:02:39. > :02:42.is the badger cull that is not going to happen because there was
:02:42. > :02:46.too many police involved in the Olympics and the police can't be
:02:46. > :02:51.involved in the badger cull, there is more badgers than there should
:02:51. > :02:54.be. Some of the badgers have started employing barn owls as
:02:54. > :02:59.bouncers. It is going to be postponed until next year. I
:02:59. > :03:05.thought some of these badgers since they couldn't be culled were being
:03:05. > :03:10.employed as auxiliaries to go bothering people with messages on
:03:10. > :03:16.their collars urging them to subscribe to The Times.
:03:16. > :03:20.Yes, I have heard that as well! What was the police's role to be.
:03:20. > :03:24.They were meant to protect the farmers against protesters who
:03:24. > :03:27.didn't want the badgers to be culled. What is What is weird, they
:03:27. > :03:32.said they had to cull them in the first place, because there were too
:03:32. > :03:39.many. Now there is too many to cull. Which suggests to me they are about
:03:39. > :03:45.to take over. We know these are wise creatures, knowledgable.
:03:45. > :03:48.badger doesn't come out of daylight, so it is going to have to be a
:03:48. > :03:56.night-time coup if they are going to take over the country. What are
:03:56. > :04:00.the badgers accused of. The great train Robbie was something!
:04:00. > :04:09.Spreading TB, that is the belief. They are accused of spreading TB,
:04:09. > :04:13.some would say unfairly accused. Don't you hate it when that happens.
:04:14. > :04:23.I believe you said on another matter if this is justice I am a
:04:24. > :04:26.
:04:26. > :04:34.banana. I did. The badgers may be... Bananas yet. Who has been lobbying
:04:34. > :04:40.on behalf of badgers. Brian May. guess between those photographs
:04:40. > :04:48.there was a phase when he was badgery himself. Why are there so
:04:48. > :04:51.many? They no longer consult with rats or voles. What are the
:04:51. > :04:56.problems with the vaccine. They won't always keep their
:04:56. > :05:03.appointments. The boom in badgers has had an effect on hedgehogs.
:05:03. > :05:10.Hedgehogs are being edged towards endangered species. Do badgers eat
:05:10. > :05:15.hedgehogs? Very carefully. They come with their own tooth picks.
:05:15. > :05:21.other news, how is George Osborne dragged back into the class war
:05:21. > :05:24.this week. He was on on a train but only had a standard class ticket
:05:24. > :05:29.for first-class. There is conflicting accounts of what
:05:29. > :05:34.happened next. A journalist was in the same carriage, took a picture
:05:34. > :05:39.and put it on Twitter. Have you been around for Twitter? I missed
:05:39. > :05:47.that Twitter, but I am aware of the phenomenon. Anything you are not up
:05:47. > :05:51.to speed on, you just say. George Osborne doesn't seem
:05:51. > :05:58.terribly warm. I didn't think it would be easy to feel sympathetic
:05:58. > :06:05.towards him but it is hard to get the right train ticket. We have all
:06:05. > :06:10.been on told you are sitting on the wrong carriage. I don't mind he
:06:10. > :06:17.doesn't know which ticket to buy but he doesn't know which franchise
:06:17. > :06:22.to award to who. APPLAUSE
:06:22. > :06:28.When Mr Dis railly was the Chancellor didn't he have his own
:06:28. > :06:32.train. Yes, to stop anywhere he wanted. Is this progress in this
:06:32. > :06:37.country for the Chancellor to go from a private train down to being
:06:38. > :06:42.condemned for having a first-class ticket. Yes, it is. Who was with
:06:42. > :06:48.George Osborne at the time? assistant who he blamed, that's
:06:48. > :06:58.government for you. She has a lovely name, Poppy Mitchell Rose,
:06:58. > :07:24.
:07:24. > :07:34.What happened in the end? upgrade was paid. Out of George's
:07:34. > :07:37.
:07:37. > :07:42.own pocket. He ended up coughing up �181.. I read in Vanity Fair you
:07:42. > :07:47.said despite everything you are worth about $80 million. I said I
:07:47. > :07:52.lost 80% of my money fighting this oppression from the United States
:07:52. > :07:57.government. He said that leaves you with 80 million. Did they invade
:07:57. > :08:01.you, I must have missed this. said I could live on $80 million if
:08:01. > :08:05.that is what I had. That is the spirit. It is all right for them to
:08:05. > :08:10.sit in first-class. You still call it a great office of state. Can't
:08:11. > :08:18.he travel first-class? We are in the middle of this austerity thing,
:08:18. > :08:24.did you have that What has David Cameron been saying about crimials?
:08:24. > :08:30.Conrad. APPLAUSE
:08:30. > :08:36.That in this great UK those officially so designated may
:08:36. > :08:40.actually have broken the law. And that this is a departure from some
:08:40. > :08:45.transatlantic customs. He didn't really make a decision that
:08:45. > :08:50.innocent people should go to jail this week. Does this require the
:08:50. > :08:58.truth? No. I know you are not use today that, Conrad. I am not used
:08:58. > :09:01.to hearing it certainly. Really. What about from the jury? Nine
:09:01. > :09:09.acquittals and they ran out of steam, but the Supreme Court made
:09:09. > :09:15.up for it. You ran into jail. They found you guilty, the jury, didn't
:09:15. > :09:21.they they? Nine acquittals complimented by unanimous vacation
:09:21. > :09:25.of the of the four guilty verdicts by the... One for fraud and one for
:09:25. > :09:33.on obstruction of justice. Some reciting the verdict as though it
:09:33. > :09:38.was true. A Rhyl respect for due process, Ian. You are a banana
:09:38. > :09:42.respect it. I am not a banana. All I am saying is that you were found
:09:42. > :09:47.guilty of two counts which stood, you went to jail, you have come
:09:47. > :09:52.back, you would like to be rehabilitated? No. I have been
:09:52. > :09:56.rehabilitated and I am proud to have been cleshed by the -- cleared
:09:56. > :10:03.by the Supreme Court. You have come here to say you are innocent, which
:10:03. > :10:10.is sweet but not true. APPLAUSE This is the last minute
:10:10. > :10:14.reprieve for Britain's badgers who can breathe easy now. Apart from
:10:14. > :10:18.the thousands who have got TB. George Osborne was in trouble after
:10:18. > :10:22.being caught in a first-class train seat with a standard class ticket.
:10:23. > :10:30.In fairness, he had tried to sit in the quiet carriage but was asked to
:10:30. > :10:36.leave on account of all the booing. According to the Mirror when he
:10:36. > :10:40.arrived at Euston Mr Osborne was ush ushered out of the fr of a side
:10:40. > :10:43.door but unfortunately the train had stopped. Also this week the
:10:43. > :10:48.protester who jumped into the Thames to disrupt this year's boat
:10:48. > :10:53.race was sent to jail. He almost collided with the Oxford crew by
:10:53. > :10:58.accorded the Cox. Good luck doing that in prison. Take a look at this,
:10:58. > :11:01.Ian and Victoria. Things are going to cheer up now,
:11:01. > :11:06.aren't they! I am worried about this, I think I am the only person
:11:06. > :11:11.in Britain that thinks the BBC were right not to put on that Newsnight.
:11:12. > :11:16.You might say why do they cover it up now it's come out, there doesn't
:11:16. > :11:19.seem to be much of a fuss. But I genuinely can understand how if you
:11:19. > :11:24.were in charge of an organisation like that and somebody had just
:11:24. > :11:34.died, you wouldn't necessarily think it was the right thing to put
:11:34. > :11:39.
:11:39. > :11:42.out a programme saying they were a child moll Esther. I -- molester.
:11:42. > :11:49.agree we should be looking at the managers at the hospitals who gave
:11:49. > :11:54.him a room but the BBC employed him for 50 years. They did nothing
:11:54. > :11:59.about what they got up to. That is why the Director General is in
:11:59. > :12:05.front of a parliamentary select commitee. Was it pulled because the
:12:05. > :12:09.BBC thought we can't disrupt our Christmas schedule by putting out a
:12:09. > :12:19.programme that is saying actually he wasn't a great guy, look at this.
:12:19. > :12:20.
:12:20. > :12:26.Were you hoping our answer would be funnier than this? Yes. How was the
:12:26. > :12:30.new Director General grilled this week? The members of the cultural
:12:30. > :12:40.select commitee had a go at him. They said he was like a suit with
:12:40. > :12:41.
:12:41. > :12:46.no-one in it. One doesn't want to sit here and defend the BBC. One of
:12:46. > :12:50.the high points of the select commitee was when Georgeent whistle
:12:50. > :13:00.saying I'm not sure, and someone saying you sound like James Murdoch.
:13:00. > :13:05.
:13:05. > :13:15.Quite a good joke. Not in The Sun. George Entwhistle tas taken on the
:13:15. > :13:20.
:13:20. > :13:27.job recently. Mr Nentwhistle was in charge of television when the
:13:27. > :13:34.programme was pulled. There was a very good panorama
:13:34. > :13:39.about Newsnight and then next week there is a Newsnight about panorama.
:13:39. > :13:49.This idea that changing the schedules is a big deal, no it
:13:49. > :13:55.
:13:55. > :14:03.isn't, Dad's Army and again and again. Played by Phillip mad OK who
:14:03. > :14:08.was a Welsh man. Arthur Lowe refused to have it written into his
:14:08. > :14:15.contract that he couldn't appear without any trousers. It makes him
:14:15. > :14:20.unique at the BBC in the '70s. Did you see how unco-operative
:14:20. > :14:26.Jeremy Paxman was this week. Have you got comments about the
:14:26. > :14:32.Newsnight investigation? No, have you?
:14:32. > :14:36.He's very aggressive. I found him very co-operative. Let's look at
:14:36. > :14:40.you with Paxman. Let me tell you something, I am proud of having
:14:40. > :14:44.gone through the terribly difficult process of being falsely charged,
:14:44. > :14:52.falsely convicted, and ultimately almost completely vindicated,
:14:52. > :14:55.without losing my mind, becoming irrational, and actually being able
:14:55. > :15:05.to endure discussion like this without getting up and smashing
:15:05. > :15:06.
:15:06. > :15:12.your face in, which is what most people would do. Go ahead.
:15:12. > :15:22.Did that feel good? Not as good as doing it!
:15:22. > :15:24.I like Jeremy, he's an asshole. It's unbelievable you get away with
:15:24. > :15:31.that really, a man asking you questions about being a fraudster
:15:31. > :15:36.and you say he's an asshole. Moving on, which other much loved and
:15:37. > :15:44.respected TV entertainer's reputation may be tarnished by a
:15:44. > :15:48.new investigation. Pudsey. It's Piers Morgan isn't it. What is the
:15:48. > :15:51.story. It looked for a while that only News International were going
:15:51. > :15:57.to get blamed for phone hacking but now would you believe it, someone
:15:57. > :16:07.has taken a civil action against The Mirror group. Four people. The
:16:07. > :16:07.
:16:07. > :16:11.editor at the time of the trouble was Piers Morgan. Who is innocent.
:16:11. > :16:18.He has repeatedly denied having anything to do with phone hacking.
:16:18. > :16:25.Most of the evidence comes from his own autobiography. What does Jeremy
:16:25. > :16:29.Paxman have to say about Piers. He said over a lunch at the Mirror he
:16:29. > :16:36.explained Paxman would be a fool not to have a security setting on
:16:36. > :16:41.his voicemail. Piers Morgan laughed this off and
:16:41. > :16:46.says he can't remember any of the details. He has a patchy memory. He
:16:46. > :16:56.said of Jimmy Savile, I never met him. Yet in his book, also printed
:16:56. > :17:05.
:17:05. > :17:09.What do you think of Piers Morgan, coffin rad? -- Conrad He wanted to
:17:09. > :17:14.come and visit me in prison and I told I would be happy to receive
:17:14. > :17:18.him, but then I am afraid he bottled out. Suppose I was afraid
:17:18. > :17:25.once admitted in he wouldn't be allowed out, or something like that.
:17:26. > :17:35.This is the embarrassingly inept handling of the Jimmy Savile
:17:36. > :17:39.
:17:39. > :17:45.scandal. Here is Helen Boaden. Sorry, there we go.
:17:45. > :17:55.Until this week, that was her most uncomfortable moment. And so to
:17:55. > :18:05.
:18:05. > :18:13.A 3D printer. Isn't that called a telly porter. Feed yourself in one
:18:13. > :18:18.end and come out the other end. are still in the same room but you
:18:18. > :18:22.have just gone through a machine. Here it is.
:18:22. > :18:30.Technology for you. Do you want to know how it works. You press a
:18:30. > :18:39.button and it comes out the other end. Nobody knows. How did it get
:18:39. > :18:47.there in the first place. Here is The Independent's science
:18:47. > :18:57.correspondent's attempt. What can you create with it?
:18:57. > :19:01.
:19:01. > :19:06.How would you make a gun? You might press a wrong button and get 100
:19:06. > :19:12.prosthetic legs. Using this technology the University of
:19:12. > :19:22.Washington has proposed create ago 3D shop, or as laiman would call it,
:19:22. > :19:30.
:19:30. > :19:36.It's Obama and Donald Trump but he said something about the President
:19:36. > :19:45.this week. He accused him of being a blow hard. The President
:19:45. > :19:51.demonstrated he could scarcely move Donald's wig. It's not a wig, is it
:19:51. > :20:01.who would buy a wig that looked like that. Does he believe the
:20:01. > :20:08.President wasn't born in an American state. Yes. Despite him
:20:08. > :20:12.having shown his birth certificate. Do you know Donald Trump? He is a
:20:12. > :20:17.loyal friend and after what I have been put to in the last nine years,
:20:17. > :20:23.aattach a great premium to that, and I think Donald is a fine man
:20:23. > :20:29.but he is an acquired taste. What did he promise earlier this week?
:20:29. > :20:32.Didn't he make a bet about the birth certificate? He said he had a
:20:32. > :20:38.revelation that could change the result of the election. All he has
:20:38. > :20:45.to do to get $5 million for a charity or charities of his choice
:20:45. > :20:50.is get his colleges to immediately give his applications and records
:20:50. > :20:55.and also to release his passport records. When he does that to my
:20:55. > :21:00.satisfaction, if it is complete, this cheque is delivered
:21:00. > :21:05.immediately. A lot of people will be very, very happy to see this
:21:05. > :21:13.happen. Frankly, it's a cheque that I very much want to write. Just
:21:13. > :21:17.write it. Look at the light falling on his hair!
:21:17. > :21:24.I like the idea you could pay to see records from politicians, you
:21:24. > :21:32.could bid for that. I would pay �100 to see George Osborne's O-
:21:32. > :21:36.level maths paper. I love the way Donald Trump can say I want it to
:21:36. > :21:44.be shown to my satisfaction. You think, no, he's the President, you
:21:45. > :21:54.are a man with stupid hair. What do wags at the Guardian do with
:21:55. > :21:56.
:21:56. > :22:06.reference to to to Trump's offer? On the subject of people with
:22:06. > :22:08.
:22:08. > :22:18.questionable air, who else has waded in? Is it Wayne Rooney?
:22:18. > :22:18.
:22:18. > :22:26.Obama's elderly grat mother lives in the UK. According to seasoned
:22:26. > :22:31.political commentators, The Sun they said:
:22:31. > :22:37.Wayne's cheat was said to be a game-changing endorsement.
:22:37. > :22:46.Wayne Rooney stayed up late to watch all three presidential
:22:46. > :22:56.debates. Time for the odd one out round. Of
:22:56. > :23:01.Or son Wells, Dawn French, Conrad Black and Antony Worrall Thompson.
:23:01. > :23:08.Is Antony Worrall Thompson never not the odd man out. There is
:23:08. > :23:14.definitely a picture of Conrad Black. You must have been so sorry
:23:14. > :23:21.you wore that concert. It was the only one left at Angels. I was an
:23:21. > :23:28.order cardinal. My wife didn't have a cos cos costume. She came as a
:23:28. > :23:38.barmaid. When you say your wife didn't have a costume! Who is the
:23:38. > :23:38.
:23:38. > :23:48.odd one out? Dawn French has appeared as a vicar. All the others
:23:48. > :23:56.
:23:56. > :24:01.Can anyone else think of another role Orson Wells played? Citizen
:24:01. > :24:06.Kane. Yes, a power crazed multi- millionaire newspaper tycoon who
:24:06. > :24:16.face as humiliating demise on account of his own greed.
:24:16. > :24:30.
:24:30. > :24:35.Why Is he dressed adds a cardinal? Imagine how he felt when they took
:24:35. > :24:45.that hat off and found an Edam. Here is Conrad dressed as a
:24:45. > :24:52.
:24:52. > :24:57.cardinal on his way to becoming He said that again on this
:24:57. > :25:06.programme. Conrad tried to dismiss ace choice of outfit saying it was
:25:06. > :25:11.the only one available at the costumier before the party.
:25:11. > :25:21.Time for the missing word round, which this week features Fraud
:25:21. > :25:22.
:25:22. > :25:32.Focus. We start with:
:25:32. > :25:38.
:25:38. > :25:43.Yorkshire housewife. Monkey. Heterosexual anthem. Yes, is not
:25:43. > :25:49.gay is the answer. I made that up. This is the
:25:49. > :25:59.insistance from the village people their song YMCA is not gay.
:25:59. > :26:11.
:26:11. > :26:16.Next, BBC producers advised what? Advised to step aside. Advised by
:26:16. > :26:19.national fraud authority. The greatest risk of data theft is
:26:19. > :26:29.personal information given by women shopping for clothes online.
:26:29. > :26:35.
:26:35. > :26:39.Luckily none of the information is Mobile phone. Right. A new phone.
:26:39. > :26:44.According to his insurers a farmer claimed for a new phone after he
:26:44. > :26:52.lost his iPhone after using it as a torch to look up the rear of a cow.
:26:52. > :27:02.Was there nothing on the TV that night? He was only looking up there
:27:02. > :27:10.for his balls. He was only looking up there to find his iPad.
:27:10. > :27:16.Finally, chef turns what in what. Left into driveway.
:27:16. > :27:22.Is it food into meal? It is cottage pie into smoothy.
:27:22. > :27:28.The most popular smoothies in Britain are Innocent, as are all of
:27:28. > :27:38.our panellists tonight! The final scores are Ian and
:27:38. > :27:40.
:27:40. > :27:50.Victoria have five and Paul and Before we go, there's just time for
:27:50. > :27:55.the caption competition. BBC cover-up reaches new low.
:27:55. > :28:01.Thank you to our panellists. I leave you with news that in Texas
:28:01. > :28:06.there is a worrying moment for Lance Armstrong when his dog
:28:06. > :28:12.swallows the contents of his medical bag!
:28:12. > :28:17.BBC executives under go a training exercise on how to react to bad