0:00:04 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:42Good evening! Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jeremy Clarkson.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44In the news this week, in Aleppo,
0:00:44 > 0:00:48the Syrian remake of Fawlty Towers gets off to a difficult start.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54LAUGHTER
0:00:54 > 0:00:57In a last-ditch attempt to patch things up with his brother,
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Ed Miliband asked David round for a dip in the pool.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06GROANS
0:01:06 > 0:01:10And there's an embarrassing moment at a London soup kitchen
0:01:10 > 0:01:13when staff are told to feed anyone who looks like a tramp.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17LAUGHTER
0:01:17 > 0:01:21With Ian tonight is the Arts Editor of the BBC,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24who recently described Strictly Come Dancing as the gold standard
0:01:24 > 0:01:28of television art, as it reintroduced
0:01:28 > 0:01:31a massive audience to the idea of self-expression through movement.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35I think he and I are going to get along really well.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Please welcome Will Gompertz.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42APPLAUSE
0:01:44 > 0:01:47And with Paul is a Canadian whose surreal comedy
0:01:47 > 0:01:51was recently described as making Salvador Dali
0:01:51 > 0:01:53look about as abstract as Constable.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56If only we had some poncey art critic on
0:01:56 > 0:02:00who could explain what that meant. Please welcome Tony Law.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03APPLAUSE
0:02:07 > 0:02:10And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Paul and Tony, take a look at this.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Yes. Clearly America, clearly New York.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20This huge storm, Hurricane Sandy, has hit.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22There's President Obama looking presidential.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26- There's Mitt Romney looking made of tin!- Yes.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28There's Donald Trump,
0:02:28 > 0:02:32who probably caused the storm in some way due to his evilness.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Yes, this is obviously the disruption of New York
0:02:35 > 0:02:37by apparently some of the worst weather ever seen.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- You called it a hurricane. - Yes. It's not a hurricane, is it?
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- Technically, though, what was it? - Wasn't it a cyclone?- No, cyclones,
0:02:44 > 0:02:48I think, are Pacific-based. Hurricanes are Atlantic-based. As soon as the winds
0:02:48 > 0:02:51drop below a certain speed... I'm starting to sound like a weatherman.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- LAUGHTER - I just wondered if you knew what you were talking about.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Obviously the storm had a number of consequences -
0:02:57 > 0:03:00I mean, many deaths, but apart from that.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Glossing over that, as indeed the news has done,
0:03:03 > 0:03:06what else has it done?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09It got me chucked off the news, which is really boring.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13I'd made this fantastic package and then the guy comes in and says,
0:03:13 > 0:03:16"I'm afraid we have to take you off because of Hurricane Sandy,"
0:03:16 > 0:03:18and I said, "Fair enough. Obviously it's going to be epic."
0:03:18 > 0:03:19This is so shocking
0:03:19 > 0:03:22I expect your report will go out on ITV in three weeks time.
0:03:22 > 0:03:27- It was very good, Ian. - You could have tailored it.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30That's what the Express did. They brought arts into it.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32They said the storm had:
0:03:35 > 0:03:38LAUGHTER
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- Would you like to see some of the damage it did?- Yes.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Now, I don't want to be boring, but that in the back,
0:03:44 > 0:03:48that's a Dodge Durango, I think, Dodge Challenger in the middle,
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Jeep Grand Cherokee on the right.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53So total there is about three and a half dollars.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Do you think that the news channels
0:03:57 > 0:04:01were upset that the storm was as bad as it was predicted?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04It was very odd listening to the news, because the news was,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06"There's this terrific storm, whatever it is,
0:04:06 > 0:04:08"about to hit America. What will it do to the election?"
0:04:08 > 0:04:12And you thought, well, what will it do to the people?
0:04:12 > 0:04:17The first thing they kept saying was, "Obama's got to look presidential.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20"He's got to appear presidential." But what does that mean?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Like, I mean, if you go, "Aaaah! There's a storm coming!
0:04:23 > 0:04:28"We're all going to die!" That would be unpresidential. Just not do that.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30- That, and holding people's head under the water.- Yeah.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Don't do that. It's funny, yes, but...
0:04:36 > 0:04:37President Obama, right?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- Why has he been arriving everywhere with pizza?- Has he?- Yeah, he has.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Hello, everybody, hello, hello! I brought some food!
0:04:44 > 0:04:47INDISTINCT
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Why does he think they need pizza?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- He's practising for two weeks' time. - If he loses his job.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55LAUGHTER
0:04:55 > 0:04:59It does give, does it not, the news channels the opportunity
0:04:59 > 0:05:04to run their annual competition to see which reporter can stand in the stupidest place in bad weather.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06This is always my favourite thing in bad weather.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10I think in third place, up to his knees in water.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Second place, man, bit breezy there.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15But for me, the winner is this chap.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Look at the water actually just pouring over the sea wall now.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26APPLAUSE
0:05:29 > 0:05:33Obviously, any American story like this has to come to Britain.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36The Daily Mail online, OK, yesterday, said:
0:05:40 > 0:05:42And here comes the photo they ran.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45LAUGHTER
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Actually, Will, while you're here. You're BBC News team.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Is there are an edict that goes out to reporters when they go to America
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- they stop talking English? - You've got to stop talking English,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56and wear North Face jackets. It's a rule.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59They don't talk about power cuts, but power outages.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01I mean, when you go to France, you don't go,
0:06:01 > 0:06:05- "Bonjour, et bienvenue en Paris," do you?- I don't, no.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08It's a nonsense. That wasn't in my notes, I just made it up.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11It didn't sound that well researched.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14LAUGHTER
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Did you hear how occasional New York resident Joan Collins
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- reacted to the storm? - She said, "Oh, isn't it annoying
0:06:20 > 0:06:23"because you can't shop at Bloomingdale's."
0:06:23 > 0:06:25- Something like that. - Absolutely right.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Joanie, you daft bat.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Obviously, we were talking about
0:06:35 > 0:06:38the effect it had on the presidential election.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41What's been the big dairy-related boost for Obama this week?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Cows are voting for him?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47No. His head has been sculpted out of butter
0:06:47 > 0:06:51and has been carried around the streets of Chicago in a fridge.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- Let's have a look.- There he is.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59Yeah, well, it's better than I might have hoped for.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03The reason why this has been handed around Chicago in a fridge?
0:07:03 > 0:07:07- Absolutely no idea.- Well, it would melt if you put it outside.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- Yeah, or if you took it to Florida. - Brilliant!
0:07:10 > 0:07:15It's not just arts you can do, it's science!
0:07:15 > 0:07:19This is Super Storm Sandy, which hit America's East Coast this week.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20According to the Daily Mail:
0:07:26 > 0:07:30Or to put it another way, not quite as fast as a Toyota Prius.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35- I always thought it was Pree-us. - That's cos you're foreign.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- As indeed is the car. - It's actually Canadian,
0:07:40 > 0:07:42the batteries. Well, the nickel.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Which is then shipped all the way on an oil-burning ship to Norway
0:07:46 > 0:07:49where it's turned into batteries and shipped all the way to Japan,
0:07:49 > 0:07:52where it's turned into the car, then it's shipped back to Britain
0:07:52 > 0:07:54where morons who think they're saving the planet buy it.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55LAUGHTER
0:07:55 > 0:07:57APPLAUSE
0:07:57 > 0:08:01So, Ian and Will, take a look at this.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Trees. Not doing very well.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Ash trees? End of an ash. Mark of death.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10- Wind farms.- Heseltine.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13I think he was doing a joke about how the Labour Party
0:08:13 > 0:08:16goes, "Left, left, left, left, left."
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Do you think that's what John Major's laughing at?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20He's got secrets all of his own.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26- This is power, isn't it? - It's power. Wind.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28- And how ugly it is. - It was many things,
0:08:28 > 0:08:31but in amongst it all there was the news of yet another
0:08:31 > 0:08:33government U-turn, one which leaves anyone
0:08:33 > 0:08:35who installed one of those ridiculous windmill-y things
0:08:35 > 0:08:38on their houses looking foolish. No names mentioned.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39Dave.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43- Cameron, in case you were wondering which Dave.- Yeah.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Well, we don't all live in the same village as him.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50APPLAUSE
0:08:50 > 0:08:53There has been a government U-turn.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56There's been a government U-turn... We're not sure, really.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59The Minister for Energy said, "We don't want any more
0:08:59 > 0:09:02"of these onshore turbines, we're going to stop,"
0:09:02 > 0:09:05and then the Prime Minister said there's been no change of policy.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08That's always a clue, it means there has been.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Or there will be, but no-one's told him.
0:09:11 > 0:09:17So we're fairly unsure whether wind is good or bad. Boo.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20I think they should take an aesthetic approach to this.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24I think that power stations have a certain beauty to them, don't you?
0:09:24 > 0:09:27I think wind farms are pig ugly.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30And should be banned on that reason alone.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34You could make those wind turbines look good beautiful if you just
0:09:34 > 0:09:38imagine that they're giant invisible World War II fighter aircraft.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Then they don't look so bad.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43So if you're going for, say, a Hurricane, it's...
0:09:43 > 0:09:46IMITATES ENGINE
0:09:46 > 0:09:48But if you're doing a Spitfire it's more...
0:09:48 > 0:09:51IMITATES HIGHER PITCH ENGINE
0:09:51 > 0:09:53It revved at a much higher... You know that.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56That's bloody good!
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Maybe you could stand on top of the wind turbines to give more...
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Or we could pre-record it, that would be easier.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- LAUGHTER - Oooh!
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Can you remember the name of the man who made the announcement
0:10:08 > 0:10:11about the wind farms not coming when they are?
0:10:11 > 0:10:15- Is this Davey?- No. He's called John Hayes. Picture of him here.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17SILENCE
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Doesn't really help, does it? Anyway.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22He looks nice, though. I trust him.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27But he's saying what you want to hear, no more wind farms.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30I couldn't give a damn.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Well, that's cleared that policy up, then.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35What happened the day after
0:10:35 > 0:10:38he made his momentous and probably quite correct...?
0:10:38 > 0:10:42- Prime minister contradicted him. - Wasn't it Ed Davey that contradicted him?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45His boss contradicted him. Never heard of him either.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48He's banned him from issuing any further statements and...
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Bye-bye, John.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Right, let's move on to ash trees, if we may.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00What is the official name
0:11:00 > 0:11:03of the disease that's troubling them so much?
0:11:03 > 0:11:08- It's called dieback.- No, that's what he's got on his head!
0:11:08 > 0:11:11No, no. The official name is not dieback. It is:
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Which is Latin for "a bunch of trees are dying".
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Actually, she sits next to my daughter at school.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22LAUGHTER
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Anyway, how did the Mail cover the story of this terrible...?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28I haven't read it, but I'm guessing it was something like, "Denmark!
0:11:28 > 0:11:34"Bloody Danes! Killing our trees! God, I hate Danes."
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Hey, Danes, do they make a car?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40They do, but I can't remember what. It's unpronounceable.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43It's probably made of bacon. Rubbish Danes.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- We're talking about the Mail here. You need to spread it out more.- OK.
0:11:46 > 0:11:51- It started in Poland, didn't it? - I think it was Poland. But anyway.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52It's throughout Europe now.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57They didn't bother finding out, on the Mail. OK. They had:
0:12:15 > 0:12:18On the shoes of an asylum seeker.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20They didn't actually say that last bit, I was just...
0:12:20 > 0:12:22LAUGHTER
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Anyway, you saw Heseltine. Why's he back?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Heseltine was asked by the government to produce a report.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31And they hoped he would produce a very long and boring report that
0:12:31 > 0:12:35they wouldn't have to implement, which is exactly what he's done.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38So it's a big success for the government.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41He's produced 89 proposals, you can guess how many of those
0:12:41 > 0:12:42will be used. None.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46He's called for enterprise, growth, more localism -
0:12:46 > 0:12:49a series of policies that the present government
0:12:49 > 0:12:51has already rejected.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54So Osborne said he welcomed Mr Heseltine's contribution,
0:12:54 > 0:12:57it's really kind of him to produce a report...
0:12:57 > 0:12:58And we'll see him another year.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00You're absolutely right, of course.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04On the subject of George Osborne, OK, I'd like you to watch
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- a piece of film, if I may. - Yes, OK.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09And what does the man say when Osborne enters the room, OK?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Listen carefully.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Tosser. LAUGHTER
0:13:16 > 0:13:17- Can we look again?- Yes, sure.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Tosser. LAUGHTER
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Anyway, that was the news that in a few years
0:13:25 > 0:13:29wind farms may soon be rarer than ash trees. The Daily Mail...
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- Have they read any other papers this week?- No, I'm here.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35- OK.- Attack, attack, attack!
0:13:35 > 0:13:38The Daily Mail hit full panic mode, demanding:
0:13:42 > 0:13:45If the Daily Mail is that worried about the senseless destruction
0:13:45 > 0:13:48of trees, they could always close down their newspaper.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52The ash fungus is just one of many diseases
0:13:52 > 0:13:54affecting Britain's woodlands. According to The Times:
0:13:58 > 0:14:02That's even more of a threat to them than George Michael's driving!
0:14:02 > 0:14:05LAUGHTER
0:14:07 > 0:14:09- LAUGHTER - And so, it's on to round two,
0:14:09 > 0:14:13and the Steering Wheel Of News.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Here's the first spin.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20BUZZER
0:14:20 > 0:14:22That Berlusconi, I think, isn't it? Upside down.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24It is indeed Silvio Berlusconi.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Yes. He's been found guilty of various things,
0:14:26 > 0:14:30but the way the Italian legal system works, he'll never go to prison
0:14:30 > 0:14:33because he'll just appeal and the appeals will go on for ever.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36But they haven't got him on sex. They've got him on tax.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40And also if you run for government, you're immune.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42No, he was immune as long as he was in power.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45As long as you're called Berlusconi,
0:14:45 > 0:14:48you're technically innocent of all crimes.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52Particularly involving belly dancers called Divine Ruby.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Divine Ruby? You dragged that up from somewhere.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58- What does that mean to you? - It's Ruby the Heart Stealer.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00That's who was at the bunga-bunga party.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Look, I was there, for God's sake!
0:15:02 > 0:15:06He invited a lot of people over, I went over.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Tessa Jowell's husband, me, we were all there.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13They were very good parties.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I don't know why everyone makes such a big deal.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19You've basically covered it all.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Well, Ian's covered more than I have.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24And people say why don't we have a ridiculous politician
0:15:24 > 0:15:27with a funny sex life called Boris? I mean...
0:15:27 > 0:15:30The Mirror report said:
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Much like one of the former editors, really.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42- Is that libellous?- Nah.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44It's true, isn't it? So it's not.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47Anyway.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Berlusconi said he would not stand as the centre-right candidate
0:15:50 > 0:15:52in next year's general election:
0:15:54 > 0:15:58Which differ slightly from his remarks when he left office:
0:16:01 > 0:16:05So if he doesn't come back, who is stepping up to the mark,
0:16:05 > 0:16:09and likely to take over the centre-right party?
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- Lady Mussolini. - Alexandra, or something.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- A young lady fascist Mussolini. - Would you like to see a photo?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17- I would.- Yes.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19There's Italian politics for you.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22It is Alessandra Mussolini.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Her grandfather, he was hung from a lamppost.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27She looks like she's seen standing underneath one.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:31 > 0:16:35She's certainly got Berlusconi's knack for diplomatic language.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37She's known to argue:
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Wasn't that a Simon and Garfunkel song?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49What good news has happened in Greece this week?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51The Greek editor who revealed
0:16:51 > 0:16:53the name of the top tax evaders... It was given
0:16:53 > 0:16:55by the IMF to the Greek government, they said
0:16:55 > 0:16:59"Those are the people avoiding tax in your country, do something."
0:16:59 > 0:17:01And the government said, "Yeah, of course we will."
0:17:01 > 0:17:04And then just hid the list. This editor printed the list.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06And they were going to prosecute him
0:17:06 > 0:17:08for invading privacy of these people,
0:17:08 > 0:17:10cos it is a private matter if you don't want to pay tax.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Why should you?
0:17:11 > 0:17:15Anyway, they were going to bang him up, and they haven't.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18He's got off! And hats off to Greek journalism.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20And Greek law, actually, now.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21And Greek law. And boo to Starbucks.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24APPLAUSE
0:17:24 > 0:17:28- Yeah.- It's like being on Question Time. Only I've got this here.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31This is the news that Silvio Berlusconi
0:17:31 > 0:17:36has been found guilty of fraud and sentenced to be banga-bangad up.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Berlusconi is a once-powerful media magnate
0:17:39 > 0:17:41sentenced to prison for fraud,
0:17:41 > 0:17:46who insists on his innocence despite all evidence to the contrary.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50So the big question is, next week, will he be on Ian's team or Paul's?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Right, here is the next spin.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58BELL
0:17:58 > 0:18:00That's a waxwork.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- Is it? Of?- Somebody.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- Is it somebody from Thunderbirds? - It's Mussolini, isn't it?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- The point is, it's so bad you don't know who it's of.- Ah!
0:18:08 > 0:18:11And it's a visitor attraction somewhere in England,
0:18:11 > 0:18:13and it's not doing very well.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15It is Mussolini, though, isn't it?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17It's the world's worst wax museum,
0:18:17 > 0:18:20The Louis Tussaud House Of Wax in Great Yarmouth.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24It's facing closure. Shall we have a look at some of their other work?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- First of all, who is this? - Michael Jackson, obviously.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30No, it isn't. That's Edwina Currie!
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Paul, you are right. Next one.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33LAUGHTER
0:18:33 > 0:18:38- Is that Ian Botham? - Oh, you are on fire!
0:18:38 > 0:18:40I am startled by your ability to do this.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41- I'm startled myself, actually.- Next.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- Prince Charles. - No, that's Saddam Hussein.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Who's that?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51TONY: That is just the dude at reception...
0:18:51 > 0:18:53or Daley Thompson.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54It is, actually, Daley Thompson.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58I resent the premise of this. They clearly know who these people are!
0:18:58 > 0:19:03You might get William Pitt the Younger in a minute. Just wait.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- There is actually one of you, Will. - Neil Kinnock!
0:19:06 > 0:19:09They have one more politician, actually. They have Ed Balls.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Here he is.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13LAUGHTER
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- Except that isn't Ed Balls, is it? - TONY: It's Hitler.
0:19:16 > 0:19:21No, it isn't. It's Ed Balls during Movember.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22So, with so many great exhibits,
0:19:22 > 0:19:25why is this remarkable place facing closure?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27I bet it isn't after this show!
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Much better than going to the National Portrait Gallery,
0:19:30 > 0:19:33all that competence on display.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39One review of the waxwork museum in Great Yarmouth said:
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Which, coincidentally,
0:19:42 > 0:19:45is the motto of the Great Yarmouth Tourist Authority.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Time now for the Odd One Out Round. Paul and Tony.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Tony Blair's interns, Adele's knickers,
0:19:53 > 0:19:58Paul McCartney and six seconds of Richard Herman's time.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Right, I don't know who Richard Herman is.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04He's the man who all those people who ring you up cold calling saying,
0:20:04 > 0:20:09"Can we help you with your claim for Payment Protection Insurance?"
0:20:09 > 0:20:12He rang them back, said, "Stop ringing me up."
0:20:12 > 0:20:14and he billed them for wasting his time.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16And they paid up.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20Doesn't Adele buy her knickers from Primark for a quid each?
0:20:20 > 0:20:24I don't know, I haven't asked her, but looking at them...
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- Is it charging per minute?- No.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29So are you saying Adele charges per minute?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31You're on the right lines with cost.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33WILL: McCartney charged £1
0:20:33 > 0:20:35for singing at the Opening Ceremony, didn't he?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Oh, well done!
0:20:37 > 0:20:41- Tony Blair's intern is the odd one out. They're paid nothing.- Yes.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45They all cost £1 except Tony Blair's interns, who work for free.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Adele's knickers cost just £1. Even better value in women's fashion
0:20:49 > 0:20:50was announced this week.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54You can now buy a 99p Christmas dress.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- Here it is. - Is that its actual size?
0:20:58 > 0:21:02What does the success of the 99p dress tell us about Christmas,
0:21:02 > 0:21:04according to the online suppliers?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07It's nearly here. It's very exciting. Christmas!
0:21:10 > 0:21:14- Is that a preview of your new Christmas single?!- It is!
0:21:14 > 0:21:18You and Berlusconi walking through a winter wonderland!
0:21:18 > 0:21:19Yeah! We're doing a double act!
0:21:19 > 0:21:21I hope it's true!
0:21:21 > 0:21:23According to the online suppliers, it tells us that...
0:21:26 > 0:21:28- Peace and goodwill can go - BLEEP- themselves.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33According to the Mail, Adele's James Bond theme for Skyfall
0:21:33 > 0:21:35has rocketed to the top of the charts...
0:21:38 > 0:21:41There's a Bond film out? No!
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Paul McCartney was paid £1 to sing at the Olympics Opening Ceremony,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49which works out at 50p for each note sung in tune.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Ian and Will. Ted Heath's house, Paul Davison,
0:21:57 > 0:22:00candidate for the Hull police commissioner elections,
0:22:00 > 0:22:03David Icke and Gordon Brown.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Edward Heath's house was going to be turned into a museum
0:22:06 > 0:22:09but then it couldn't be because they didn't have enough money.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12This commissioner is going as an opposition candidate
0:22:12 > 0:22:14against Prescott.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17As for David Icke, well, he's nuts.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Although he's doing very well.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Go to Wembley and he's talking there and you can't get in.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- Gordon Brown.- What is he doing now?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- I think he's just cross.- Still?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29I'll have to put you out of my misery.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32They've all suffered from a poor turnout...
0:22:32 > 0:22:35- Not David Icke...- ..apart from David Icke.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39He drew a 6,000 crowd to his recent conspiracies lecture at Wembley.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Does anyone know Icke's central theory on
0:22:42 > 0:22:44how the world is run?
0:22:44 > 0:22:48People like the Royal Family, for example,
0:22:48 > 0:22:51are lizards, reptiles from another planet.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Basically, aliens have invaded and we don't know.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Isn't that Mormonism?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00It wasn't half an hour of stand-up, this was an 11-hour gig.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02What's even more interesting than the 11 hours
0:23:02 > 0:23:06you correctly say he spoke for, he did so without notes.
0:23:06 > 0:23:0811 hours without notes.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12He talked bollocks for 11 hours - we can all do that.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Paul Davison, who is standing for the upcoming
0:23:14 > 0:23:17police commissioner election in Humberside,
0:23:17 > 0:23:20was left embarrassed this week when only four people
0:23:20 > 0:23:22turned up for a public meeting.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25According to The Independent, out of the four people in attendance...
0:23:29 > 0:23:30It gets worse, I'm afraid.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33It's particularly embarrassing for Mr Davison because he is...
0:23:33 > 0:23:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:38 > 0:23:40The former Prime Minister Gordon Brown
0:23:40 > 0:23:43had to cancel a press conference at the United Nations last month
0:23:43 > 0:23:46after a poor turnout. How many people
0:23:46 > 0:23:49showed up to hear Gordon's thoughts on global education?
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- 17.- No. According to the Telegraph...
0:23:55 > 0:23:57HE LAUGHS
0:23:57 > 0:24:01- I'm sorry... - Do we know who that was?
0:24:01 > 0:24:02It was the Telegraph reporter!
0:24:06 > 0:24:11Some bloke saying, "You going to be much longer? I've got to lock up."
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:24:13 > 0:24:16which features as its guest publication...
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Not so much unputdownable as unpickupable.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25We start with...
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Over Clarkson.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Strip club. That's right, isn't it?
0:24:37 > 0:24:41That's extraordinary because it is strip club.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- I saw the story. - Steven Hutchins, a JP in Maidstone,
0:24:44 > 0:24:46wanted to open a strip club - there he is.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49No touching. That's not a rule in the club just a bit of advice
0:24:49 > 0:24:50if you meet Steven.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54Next.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59WILL: Wig.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Strip club again.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09This is from issue 58 of the Hedgehog Newsletter.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Blender?
0:25:28 > 0:25:30- Next.- Every answer is strip club.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40..caught in police raid at strip club.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Hedgehogs thrown at dartboard give a score of 4,000.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50The final scores are:
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Ian and Will, 6 and Paul and Tony, you also have 6.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58APPLAUSE
0:25:58 > 0:26:00No, since the scores are level,
0:26:00 > 0:26:03let's have quick tie-break round.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Buzz when you know who this is.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10BUZZER
0:26:10 > 0:26:13- Winston Churchill. - That's Shirley Bassey.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16That's Winston Churchill. And this one?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19BUZZER WILL: Rowan Atkinson.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20Next...
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- BELL - Ian Hislop.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26- Michael Barrymore.- I knew you knew.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28- Next.- I get the tasteless one.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29BUZZER
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- Cliff Richard.- Cliff Richard.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Yes. Next.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35BELL
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Neanderthal man.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- George Best. - Correct.- George Best?!
0:26:43 > 0:26:45BELL
0:26:45 > 0:26:48TONY: I can see who's behind. Is that Noel Edmonds?
0:26:48 > 0:26:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:51 > 0:26:55I'll give you...It's Jim Davidson.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56BUZZER
0:26:56 > 0:26:59- Sean Connery.- It is but that's Cliff Richard again.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04This waxworks is GLORIOUSLY terrible!
0:27:06 > 0:27:07BUZZER
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- TONY: Cherie Blair.- No. - Jackie Onassis.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13You've been there all night, wanting it to be her.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14- Shirley Bassey?- Yes!
0:27:14 > 0:27:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Ladies and gentlemen, we have our winner.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Paul and Tony, you're on 14. Ian and Will, you're on 9.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27Robbed!
0:27:27 > 0:27:30APPLAUSE
0:27:30 > 0:27:32I leave you with the news that in Rome
0:27:32 > 0:27:35there are suspicions that pictures of Adam and Eve
0:27:35 > 0:27:37in the new illustrated edition of the Bible
0:27:37 > 0:27:38might be a bit too detailed.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48As Azerbaijan prepares for the Eurovision Song Contest,
0:27:48 > 0:27:51they look favourites to win with a power-ballad duet.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59And, after escaping from a secret research laboratory in Norwich,
0:27:59 > 0:28:03a giant hedgehog avenges the death of his father.
0:28:07 > 0:28:08Good night.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:44 > 0:28:46Does it actually go fast, the Prius?
0:28:46 > 0:28:49About 120.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51If you push it off a cliff.