:00:47. > :00:50.Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Damian Lewis, in
:00:50. > :00:53.the news this week there's disappointment as one member of the
:00:53. > :01:03.Chipping Norton amateur dramatics society, realises he's only been
:01:03. > :01:05.
:01:05. > :01:15.given one line in this year's panto. Liverpool council, deny wasting
:01:15. > :01:16.
:01:16. > :01:22.money on a new initiative to check occupancy levels in high rise flats.
:01:22. > :01:30.And, at a hotel on location, after his producer's husband turns up
:01:30. > :01:34.unexpectedly, Andrew Marr decides to go back to his own room. With
:01:34. > :01:38.Ian tonight is the leader of UKIP, who was once the subject of a BBC
:01:38. > :01:43.documentary, which in the end they decided not to show, only in that
:01:43. > :01:46.instance it it wasn't because they had made a Christmas Special
:01:46. > :01:52.celebrating him as a national treasure sure. Please welcome Nigel
:01:52. > :01:58.Farage, MEP. Charming!
:01:58. > :02:04.And with Paul, is a star of cult movie, This Is Spinal Tap, and the
:02:04. > :02:08.Simpsons, he does the voice of evil tycoon Mr Burns, which many think
:02:08. > :02:14.is based on the voice of Rupert Murdoch, he does the voice of
:02:14. > :02:22.Smithers, pale, yellow and powerless, presumably based on Nick
:02:22. > :02:26.Clegg. Please welcome Harry Shearer. And, let's get started with the
:02:26. > :02:30.bigger stories of the week. Paul and Harry. Can you take a look at
:02:30. > :02:38.this. This is the Muppets protesting the
:02:38. > :02:43.fact that Romney threatened to stop funding for big bird. Oh where's
:02:43. > :02:48.the loo. Indoor fireworks. Chicago was going to have the Olympicer
:02:49. > :02:54.they had confetti leftover. These people are too young to be
:02:54. > :03:00.disappointed. And still I don't know where to vote.
:03:00. > :03:06.The American election, Barack Obama won qon Vinceingly, did you --
:03:06. > :03:12.Convincingly. Did you stay up? didn't, I wasn't running. What is
:03:12. > :03:17.foo 4 for? They should had have a digest, people saying too close to
:03:17. > :03:24.call, too close to call, neck and neck, and he won convincingly.
:03:24. > :03:31.I see you on ITV? You saucey little monkey. I did, I went to the
:03:31. > :03:35.American Embassy. A went in and woman said am I a Democrat or a
:03:35. > :03:40.Republican, I said I wasn't either, she gave me a Republican badge and
:03:40. > :03:49.said there is a lot of these. And I thought I know which way this is
:03:49. > :03:54.going. Isn't it 9 7% of black voters voted for Obama, and 73% of
:03:54. > :03:58.the Hispanics voted for Obama, and I think the Republicans have had it.
:03:58. > :04:03.One guy said we are not generating enough angry white guys, let's
:04:03. > :04:13.produce more of them. With 23 million unemployed, you would think
:04:13. > :04:16.
:04:16. > :04:22.there must be enough of them. said "voters" are you ska Far-age!
:04:22. > :04:28.An American accent. Romney had one last push in Ohio, anyone know what
:04:28. > :04:37.they Chrisened this effort of their's? Titanic! The blip, the
:04:37. > :04:40.disaster. They called it the Romney Ryan Real Recovery Road Rally. Bit
:04:41. > :04:44.inconsiderate towards Japanese Americans.
:04:44. > :04:48.Our Prime Minister tweeted away like crazy, anyone know what he
:04:48. > :04:53.tweeted. They had been to a baseball match with him. He's now
:04:53. > :04:57.on the Barack Obama side, the Tory Party support the left-wing. They
:04:57. > :05:02.are only left by no-one's terms aren't they. Obama's domestic
:05:02. > :05:04.policy is severely to the right of Richard Nixon. The Americans have a
:05:04. > :05:10.Conservative Party, and a Very Conservative Party. Then they have
:05:10. > :05:15.a Tea Party, which you just don't want to know! So So our Prime
:05:15. > :05:20.want to know! So So our Prime Minister tweeted:
:05:20. > :05:24.Now he's not allowed to text Rebekah Brooks any more! As always
:05:24. > :05:28.during the campaign there was accusations of negative campaigning,
:05:28. > :05:30.slurring, attempt at media manipulation, anyone see attempts
:05:30. > :05:38.at that? There was a landmark moment when, in the early part of
:05:38. > :05:45.the campaign, that is to say, in 1978! When Obama's supporters were
:05:45. > :05:54.criticising him for not saying that Romney lied. They spent �2.5
:05:54. > :06:00.billion on, $2.5 billion, and the adverts were about who would waste
:06:00. > :06:07.the most money in America. In the 18-month election time you could
:06:07. > :06:11.bear an elephant in that time. There was this widely distributed
:06:11. > :06:14.image. How did he get the dog to stay on
:06:14. > :06:17.his face like that. There was some technical issues with voting
:06:17. > :06:22.machines, did anyone see that story? There was a voting machine
:06:22. > :06:30.where a person kept pressing the button for Obama and the machine
:06:30. > :06:40.kept registering Romney! That's absolutely right. It's magic, he
:06:40. > :06:44.still lost! These things are harder to fix than you think. That's an
:06:44. > :06:50.appalling accusation. Top US political expert, Piers Morgan! Was
:06:50. > :06:55.on hand with his customary insightful analysis on the day.
:06:55. > :07:02.What bombshells did he come up with? Did he predict a Clinton win.
:07:02. > :07:06.He said: Thanks for that Mr Morgan. Of
:07:06. > :07:10.course it is quite important during the campaign to keep control of
:07:10. > :07:16.your image, Obama seems to have had the edge there too over Mr Romney.
:07:16. > :07:26.Here is one that was relosed of him. And here's one that emerged of Mitt
:07:26. > :07:30.
:07:30. > :07:34.Romney! That's not a photograph. you want normal people to resonate,
:07:34. > :07:38.have a helicopter not a jet. Anyone know about the Eyebrow Index?
:07:38. > :07:43.longer, shorter, thicker or slightly less dense eyebrow, the
:07:43. > :07:46.more or less chance you have winning or losing in an election.
:07:46. > :07:52.Seven of the last eight elections have been won by the candidate with
:07:52. > :07:57.the best-groomed eyebrows. Any way, the advice was Romney should go
:07:57. > :08:01.pluck himself! Mitt Romney became famous for his gaffes during the
:08:01. > :08:07.campaign. Anyone remember any of his gaffes? "I like firing people"
:08:07. > :08:17.was one he said. He said "I like to be able to fire people". There was
:08:17. > :08:23.
:08:23. > :08:27.a particularly surreal one he said Although that was probably just an
:08:27. > :08:31.autocue error, to be fair, autocue error to just be fair, probably!
:08:31. > :08:38.The day before the election he was heard to say to one of his final
:08:38. > :08:41.rallies, tomorrow is the beginning of a better tomorrow! There was
:08:41. > :08:51.also the awkward one at the fundraiser, he didn't realise he
:08:51. > :09:01.
:09:01. > :09:07.Nigel a bit far or pretty standard right-wing nut-jub stuff! Romney
:09:07. > :09:14.admitted to having strapped his dog to the top of the car for a 12-hour
:09:14. > :09:24.drive from Boston to on tear I don't know. Nigel, bit far or
:09:24. > :09:35.
:09:35. > :09:39.standard right-wing nut-job stuff. Nigel? Anything too, you? No, I'm
:09:39. > :09:42.sorry. Even UKIP on a bad day can't compete with Romney. Yes, it's the
:09:42. > :09:46.US election, the result was in the balance until the last minute. Mind
:09:46. > :09:52.you, if Americans think that election was exciting, just wait
:09:52. > :09:55.until Britain elects its regional Police Commissioners.
:09:55. > :10:02.Explaining the complexties of the Electoral College system to its
:10:02. > :10:07.readers the Mirror described it as, the race to 270 votes, a figure
:10:07. > :10:15.UKIP can only dream of, eh Nigel. One Romney supporter who took
:10:15. > :10:20.defeat badly was Donald Trump. All right, Donald, keep your hair
:10:20. > :10:25.on! Ian and Nigel, take a look at this.
:10:25. > :10:30.The lady of the moment. Nadine Dorries. That's oz. Denis MacShane,
:10:30. > :10:37.in a helmet. And these are elderly computers. The last time I was on
:10:37. > :10:42.this programme, Ian, you had a very serious dig at me. Surely not!
:10:43. > :10:47.Honestly. I was very surprised about it. I needed counselling.
:10:47. > :10:52.can't remember anything about it, was it �2 million of expenses.
:10:52. > :10:59.That's right. The guy that accused me of misusing �2 million of tax-
:11:00. > :11:03.payers' money was, none other than, Denis MacShane! Dennis "scumbag"
:11:03. > :11:08.MacShane, who, whilst he was accusing me of this was using tax-
:11:08. > :11:13.payers' money. And over the course of 18 months bought eight laptops
:11:13. > :11:17.and gave them to assistants and internals as gift. Worse than that,
:11:17. > :11:23.set up an organisation called the European Policy Institute, claimed
:11:23. > :11:26.expenses on that and was signing fraudulent cheques. So I feel
:11:26. > :11:31.pretty embittered. Although Nigel you did have a meeting with Andrew
:11:31. > :11:35.Neil recently, didn't you, after you said in 2009. We haven't
:11:35. > :11:41.finished this, I'm enjoying expenses. You said you would
:11:41. > :11:44.publish your expenses quarterly you don't? Six-monthly instead. There
:11:44. > :11:48.is no information about your expenses for nearly a year. In fact,
:11:48. > :11:52.we are doing it every six months, not quarterly, that seemed more
:11:52. > :11:58.practical. You haven't done it this year at all? I haven't, because I
:11:58. > :12:02.simply haven't had time to do it! There is a big difference here!
:12:02. > :12:06.There is a very big difference here. These are not expenses that I'm
:12:06. > :12:10.claiming for, these are allowances that I'm given, because that's the
:12:10. > :12:16.European system, and voluntarily what I do is published this stuff
:12:16. > :12:20.on-line, which have done once every six months since 2009. Sorry.
:12:20. > :12:23.we get back to the other guy. story. I'm sure there is a story.
:12:23. > :12:29.But we mustn't let off the other guy. There is no point going back
:12:29. > :12:32.into history, let's get back to him. Not only did MacShane falsify
:12:32. > :12:36.invoices, not only did he claim expenses he had no right. To not
:12:36. > :12:42.only did he sign bits of papers, but he's furiously pro-European.
:12:42. > :12:47.That is even more serious, isn't it. Which I would suggest is probably,
:12:48. > :12:51.two years, three years. Minimum! cannot understand why no-one
:12:51. > :12:57.spotted it, he set up this Policy Institute, signed the cheques
:12:57. > :13:02.himself, under the name of Mr Michael Mouse! Really? No, I made
:13:02. > :13:06.that bit up. He might go to jail, do you think? He will. You think he
:13:06. > :13:13.will definitely will? Absolutely, MPs have gone to jail for far less
:13:13. > :13:18.than he does, he deserves it, scumbag! If he does go down, he
:13:18. > :13:24.might want to dress a little differently! That's him putting an
:13:24. > :13:28.expense claim in for the new pair of trousers. He has had to resign
:13:28. > :13:33.after submitting false invoice, according to the Sun he claimed for
:13:33. > :13:37.14 computers in three years, and still Comet went bust! What are you
:13:37. > :13:43.feelings about Nadine Dorries? There is a big debate going on, is
:13:43. > :13:48.Nadine going to defect to UKIP. That is the big debate! Everywhere
:13:48. > :13:52.I go, is she gonna go, I don't know, please tell us. She was on this
:13:52. > :13:57.team with you. She was, a lot of people think she is slightly
:13:57. > :14:02.unhinged and going to be on a reality show when you are in
:14:02. > :14:06.parliament is a bad move, if you think that's a member of your party
:14:07. > :14:09.so be it. She's gone to be on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, and
:14:09. > :14:12.parliament is sitting. There are votes of votes, she won't help her
:14:12. > :14:22.constituents, a lot of people in parliament are quite cross. Does
:14:22. > :14:24.
:14:24. > :14:27.she get her salary on a reality I tell you what Nadine, millions of
:14:27. > :14:36.people watched a bloke leap out of a balloon from the edge of space,
:14:36. > :14:39.if you're interested! She did tell people she's going to do this to
:14:39. > :14:43.raise important issues. Do you think she has ever seen the
:14:44. > :14:50.programme! Eric Pickles had something to say about it. I shall
:14:50. > :14:58.be watching it, for the first time for a long time. As I say, I shall
:14:58. > :15:01.be ringing in religiously every week to keep her there!
:15:01. > :15:05.Conservatives responded by suspending her until she explains
:15:05. > :15:15.her actions. News that Heat Magazine felt it necessary to
:15:15. > :15:22.
:15:22. > :15:24.Said their chief political correspondent. Meanwhile, who else
:15:24. > :15:28.is misunderstanding the nature of their job at Westminster in the
:15:28. > :15:32.last couple of weeks? Nick Clegg. More than the last few weeks, isn't
:15:32. > :15:37.it? Ken Clarke. Thank you. He doesn't know what his new
:15:37. > :15:41.Government job s decribing his role as Minister without Portfolio as
:15:41. > :15:51.being particularly mysterious and baffling. Or as, you would say,
:15:51. > :15:52.
:15:52. > :15:55.Nigel. B-B--baffling. In stark contrast to the guilty razzmatazz
:15:55. > :15:58.of American politics, one of the leading political figures, Nadine
:15:58. > :16:01.Dorries, is going on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.
:16:01. > :16:05.Nadine Dorries justified her decision to appear, saying the
:16:05. > :16:14.important thing is 16 million people watch the show. Quite, why
:16:14. > :16:24.do you think I'm doing this show? Sorry, mmm, is that all. Including
:16:24. > :16:24.
:16:24. > :16:29.the repeat! Embarrassing. Nadine, after the Tory Party
:16:29. > :16:39.suspended Nadine, known to the tabloids as Mad Nad. The Sun
:16:39. > :16:39.
:16:40. > :16:43.Come on, she may be mad, but she's not insane. When told of her TV
:16:43. > :16:47.plans, Paul Duckett, chairman of her mid-Bedfordshire constituency,
:16:47. > :16:55.said he could think of better ways of spending his time than sitting
:16:55. > :16:57.in a swamp with a bucket of maggots on his head. Maybe, but being
:16:57. > :17:06.chairman of the mid-Bedfordshire Conservative Association probably
:17:06. > :17:10.isn't one of them. The strongometer of news, here is the first one.
:17:10. > :17:14.UKIP is campaigning across the whole of Europe, that is what the
:17:14. > :17:19.flag means. Really? Who do you think you are kidding Mr Farage.
:17:19. > :17:24.There you go. This is the news that Britain has invaded 90% of the
:17:24. > :17:30.world's nations. Says author Stuart Laycock. Who has written a book
:17:30. > :17:37.claiming that Britain has invaded 171 out of a possible 193 countries,
:17:37. > :17:42.why is this statistic a little questionable? It was made up!
:17:42. > :17:46.Because Laycock has allowed for it to include anywhere the British
:17:46. > :17:50.achieved a military presence. Through force, negotiation or
:17:50. > :17:54.payment, as well as incursions by any pirates operating with the
:17:54. > :17:59.approval of their Government. There are a few countries unlucky enough
:18:00. > :18:02.to never have enjoyed a British invasion. Sweden, the Marshall
:18:02. > :18:09.Islands. That is why they have never been invaded, nobody knows
:18:09. > :18:17.where they are. UKIP for origins invading countries, on the whole!
:18:17. > :18:23.If you had to though, who would be top of your list? It has to be
:18:23. > :18:28.Belgium. It is pretty much a non- country, we might do it a favour!
:18:28. > :18:31.Give it a third language. Whatever I say I get into terrible trouble.
:18:31. > :18:35.I can't think why. This is just a co-production with a Belgian
:18:35. > :18:41.company. The author estimates Britain has invaded 171 countries,
:18:41. > :18:45.only fle less than Prince Philip has insulted! The book claims that
:18:45. > :18:55.we even invaded Vietnam, in the 1600s, the Americans were late
:18:55. > :18:56.
:18:56. > :18:59.joining that one as well. Fingers on buzzers please, teams.
:18:59. > :19:06.Judging by the speech bubble, is it something to do with Midlands
:19:06. > :19:10.accents being harder to understand than any other accents. There is an
:19:10. > :19:17.irony. It is hard Tory understand your accent. Really? No, that would
:19:17. > :19:24.be the irony. It is team work. don't understand what I'm saying.S
:19:24. > :19:28.This the news in that an �1 McMillan phone service -- �11
:19:28. > :19:32.million phone service is sending everyone mad because it can't
:19:32. > :19:42.understand brummy accents. It conditioned understand numbers such
:19:42. > :19:47.
:19:47. > :19:54.don't all make the face when they are talking. And "neoine". Users
:19:54. > :20:00.have tried for up to half an hour just to get past the first question.
:20:00. > :20:05.Wonder why! (biermling ham accent) What does the machine do when it
:20:05. > :20:09.doesn't understand? It electrocutes the applicant. It apparently
:20:09. > :20:14.continuously says "can you please repeat?"
:20:14. > :20:18.The system is stored in the rent arrears department, it meant the
:20:18. > :20:22.council were able to cut the jobs of 55 call centre staff. Who
:20:22. > :20:27.ironically are all now behind with their rent, and have to speak to
:20:27. > :20:33.the very machine that put them out of a job. Time now for The Odd
:20:33. > :20:40.Couple odd. Paul and Harry, your four are -- the Odd One Out. Paul
:20:40. > :20:44.and Harry these are your's. William Howard Taft, Gordon Brown, Stuart
:20:44. > :20:48.Rodger and Gordon Brown. Gordon Brown got stuck in Number Ten, it
:20:48. > :20:55.took years to get him out. They tried greasing him and everything,
:20:55. > :21:01.they couldn't get him out. They all got stuck in lifts, in the bog!
:21:01. > :21:06.Yes, bathroom, apart from Stuart Rodger, who deliberately hid in the
:21:06. > :21:11.toilet for an hour, in order to heckle David Cameron. He burst into
:21:11. > :21:15.a room where Cameron was and shouted:
:21:15. > :21:20.You spend an hour in the toilet you would come up with something better
:21:20. > :21:23.than that. He got 100 hours community service for heckling
:21:23. > :21:29.Michael McIntyre. Tell us about President Taft. He was President of
:21:29. > :21:35.the United States, guess what number he was? He was 27. That's
:21:35. > :21:40.not right is it. 27th President of the United States.
:21:40. > :21:46.I'm taking you to the track. He got himself stuck in the presidential
:21:46. > :21:50.bath tub. He was the heaviest-ever President, weighing in at a whop be
:21:50. > :22:00.21 stone. Six men apparently dislodged him with a gallon of
:22:00. > :22:04.
:22:04. > :22:11.butter! Not to grease the sides, just to lure him out! Taft was a
:22:12. > :22:16.one-term President and that term was "fatso". This year Vern got
:22:16. > :22:19.stuck in an airline toilet. And Gordon Brown once got stuck in a
:22:19. > :22:29.toilet and had to be released by arch nemisis, Tony Blair. After a
:22:29. > :22:33.
:22:33. > :22:39.Brown was stuck in the toilet for 15 minutes, an embarrassing episode,
:22:39. > :22:45.on the plus side that is when he first had a go at quanative easing.
:22:45. > :22:50.Ian and Nigel, here are your's, Cyclops, Xi Jinping, Osama Bin
:22:50. > :22:56.Laden and Caroline Flint. I think this is about -- Fred Flintstone.
:22:56. > :23:00.think this is about caves, Cyclops lived in a cave, Osama Bin Laden
:23:00. > :23:05.lived in a cave, Flintstone had a cave with all the mod cons and
:23:05. > :23:10.everything in it. The new leader of China doesn't live in a cave.
:23:10. > :23:16.That's not a great answer. I reckon you're pretty good at this. Very
:23:16. > :23:20.low bar. They have all lived in a cave,
:23:20. > :23:25.except for cave Flintstone who lived in a Stonehouse, with all mod
:23:25. > :23:32.cons. Talking of the Flintstone, Fred and Wilma's private live
:23:32. > :23:35.expanneded US social boundaries in the 60s, why? You could now sleep
:23:35. > :23:40.with cartoons? They were the first couple to be shown in bed together
:23:40. > :23:44.on prime time TV? Before that they had to be in single beds, next to
:23:44. > :23:48.each other. Oh and Wilma was a crack whore.
:23:48. > :23:53.Osama Bin Laden is reported to have lived in a cave in Afghanistan,
:23:53. > :24:01.what did we learn recently about his beard? There was 15 very
:24:01. > :24:04.specially-trained swallows. He dyed it. According to a member of the
:24:04. > :24:11.Royal Navy School of Music SEALS, what else was he surprised about?
:24:11. > :24:19.There was a box set of The Wire. was surprised by how tidely
:24:19. > :24:22.Ladbrokes kept his clothes. Not all bad, then. Xi Jinping, lived in
:24:22. > :24:29.cave when his father was arrested during the Cultural Revolution.
:24:29. > :24:32.What will he get to control once he is running China? The world.
:24:33. > :24:36.world's largest Armed Forces. think they are the biggest economy
:24:36. > :24:43.now. They have just overtaken American. Them is fighting words,
:24:43. > :24:49.mister. They have all lived in a cave, except Flintstone. After
:24:49. > :24:55.Odysseus's men sneak into cyclops cave the giant eats two men after
:24:55. > :25:01.killing their brain. That is, according to the guidelines, is
:25:01. > :25:06.proportionate force. The missing word round, it features The Society
:25:06. > :25:11.For Clay Pipe Research news letter. We will start with only a few pipe
:25:11. > :25:21.makers were able to tear themselves away from the misery of what?
:25:21. > :25:22.
:25:22. > :25:26.abuse. It fits. Pipe making. This newsletter covers
:25:26. > :25:34.things like: It is still achieving a bigger
:25:34. > :25:41.circulation than the UKIP newsletter! Next. "why not use your
:25:41. > :25:45.baby to..." Feed the poor. rhymes with that. Clean the floor.
:25:46. > :25:50.They don't do anything, children, get them working. This is an
:25:50. > :25:58.invention that uses your baby to clean floors. There is also a full
:25:58. > :26:08.size version for husbands who come home drunk! Next, Prince Charles,
:26:08. > :26:10.
:26:10. > :26:20."I'm a what...?" This is him using pigeon. I'm a number one piccaninny
:26:20. > :26:26.missy Queen, what he actually said. "few sasauges short of a Barbie".
:26:26. > :26:32.Prince Charles's tour downunder, while on walk about he wore a hat,
:26:32. > :26:37.a present from his sons, William provided the hat and Harry the
:26:37. > :26:44.corks. Next what? Snake! It is definitely snake. You have antique
:26:44. > :26:49.snake, we have paid �10,000 to have it restuffed. Snake is the right
:26:49. > :26:52.answer. I have been saying nothing else but snake all night.S This the
:26:52. > :26:56.100-year-old Anaconda in William Hague's part of the Foreign Office,
:26:56. > :27:01.a spokesman said no significant maintenance has been carried out on
:27:01. > :27:06.him for the last 40-50 years, adding the snake is in even worse
:27:06. > :27:13.condition. Finally, offensive Morris dancers what? Revealed as
:27:13. > :27:17.Iran's secret weapon! Told to move on by police. The lead Morrisman
:27:17. > :27:23.delivered his most energetic dance performance ever, seconds after
:27:23. > :27:33.being tasered! So the final scores are, tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
:27:33. > :27:35.
:27:35. > :27:38.Ian and Nigel have five, Harry and Paul have seven.
:27:38. > :27:45.Recount! Just before we go, there is time for the caption competition,
:27:45. > :27:52.Ian and Nigel have this. Ah, Lord Black, nice of you to come. Paul
:27:52. > :27:59.and Harry get that? David Cameron warns geptsth against gay backlash
:27:59. > :28:03.-- against gay backlash. Thank you to Nigel Farage, Ian Hislop, Paul
:28:03. > :28:11.Merton and Shearer. I leave you with the news in Chicago that one
:28:11. > :28:17.man regrets answering yes when his wife asks "does my bum look big in
:28:17. > :28:21.this?". On a tour of Papua New Guinea, Prince Charles fine