0:00:02 > 0:00:06Hello, the name's Moore - Roger Moore - and tonight I come up against another evil mastermind.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59I'm Roger Moore. In the news this week...
0:00:59 > 0:01:03After pledging to take the BBC in the right direction,
0:01:03 > 0:01:05the new director-general makes his way home.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17After his defeat in the police commissioner elections,
0:01:17 > 0:01:20there is evidence that John Prescott is in despair.
0:01:25 > 0:01:30And as luck would have it, a camera is on hand
0:01:30 > 0:01:33to film my arrival at the back door of the studio.
0:01:42 > 0:01:47With Ian tonight is a journalist and author who has a new book out.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Presumably that's why she's appearing on the show.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52It's the only reason I'm here.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57APPLAUSE
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Please welcome Rachel Johnson.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:09 > 0:02:11And with Paul is a stand-up comedian
0:02:11 > 0:02:15who has also performed in beat-boxing battles
0:02:15 > 0:02:16with Shlomo and Bellatrix.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I've no idea what I've just said.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22But there again, I'm a consummate actor.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Please welcome Marcus Brigstocke.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:31 > 0:02:36And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Ian and Rachel, take a look at this.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- That's women bishops.- Yes, it's welcome to Have I Got Pews For You.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44GROANING
0:02:44 > 0:02:46We must have had that joke before, Ian.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48No, and there's a reason for that.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53No, no. There's the outgoing Robert Runcie
0:02:53 > 0:02:55hugging what could be a...
0:02:55 > 0:02:56I think it's Rowan Williams, actually.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Oh, it was Rowan Williams, wasn't it? Did I say Runcie?
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Yeah, he's dead, but in a real sense he's still with us.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06I think everyone was a bit startled... Shaken and stirred.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07Shaken and stirred?
0:03:07 > 0:03:11I was thinking of covering the Israel-Gaza crisis.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12No, we're on the women bishops.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Yeah, well, I reckoned a women bishop's story would keep it light.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19It just shows you how wrong I can be, doesn't it?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22I know you're a Christian, Ian. Would you have voted for women bishops?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Well, now, really, in this country you can't go around throwing
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- that sort of accusation at people. - You are openly Christian.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31I'm a member of the Church of England, which is very, very different.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Is it? Well, it is now.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35They're going to do what the C of E does,
0:03:35 > 0:03:38"We're going to take our time, "we're going to pray for each other,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41"we're going to bitch about each other really badly in private
0:03:41 > 0:03:44"and then in another hundred years we'll have another vote."
0:03:44 > 0:03:47But it was stymied by the laity.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Whatever that means.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- Right, whatever it means, it's happening.- Who are the laity?
0:03:52 > 0:03:56I don't know, but they specialise in stymieing.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00Do you think it would help if Eve said sorry about that whole apple thing?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Cos I can't help but feel that really ever since then
0:04:03 > 0:04:07it's been difficult, you know?
0:04:07 > 0:04:11You do one thing like that and everyone's like for ever.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13I mean, literally for ever.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15And I just think if she stepped up and said,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17"I'm terribly sorry - it just looked delicious.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21"And anyway, the snake did it. Or someone at Newsnight," and...
0:04:22 > 0:04:24So how did the papers cover this story?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26The Times front page had...
0:04:31 > 0:04:33The Independent said...
0:04:36 > 0:04:39And the Sun's front page screamed...
0:04:42 > 0:04:44We've got another headline here...
0:04:47 > 0:04:48What's that all about?
0:04:48 > 0:04:51She's been asked to leave I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.
0:04:51 > 0:04:56But it is quite important because it's the first Tory win on any vote.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Yes. Yes!
0:04:58 > 0:05:02Incidentally, where did the new Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, go to school?
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Eton.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Do you wish you'd been able to go to Eton like your brothers?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Yes, I think I would. Where were you at school, Roger?
0:05:09 > 0:05:14- I never went to school.- Really? - Cold showers and sodomy. Oh, yes.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- Never did Boris any harm, did it? - Never did me any harm.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23And finally, how did the Pope surprise everyone this week?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26He jumped out of a wedding cake.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28He forgave Jimmy Savile.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30GROANING
0:05:30 > 0:05:31He's published a book.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35He actually declared that the entire Christian calendar
0:05:35 > 0:05:38is based on a miscalculation. Any idea whose fault it was?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I think it's the publisher's fault.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44He's probably coming on this show next week like you just to plug it.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46He was Dennis the Small.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Sounds like a Bond villain,
0:05:49 > 0:05:53like Herve Villechaize, you know, who was very small.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55- Very small.- Yeah.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59- He was...quite oversexed. - How do you know?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- The Pope?!- No!
0:06:02 > 0:06:04We were making Man With The Golden Gun,
0:06:04 > 0:06:07he would go to the girly clubs with a flashlight
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- in Hong Kong and Bangkok. - And a stepladder.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12And he would say, "you, you, you -
0:06:12 > 0:06:15"not you - you, you, you,"
0:06:15 > 0:06:18and then I said, when we were leaving Bangkok,
0:06:18 > 0:06:21"How many women have you actually,
0:06:21 > 0:06:24"sort of, done things with since you've been here?"
0:06:24 > 0:06:27He said, "54."
0:06:27 > 0:06:30I said, "But that doesn't count because you paid," he says,
0:06:30 > 0:06:34"Oh, yes, it does, because even when I pay, sometimes they refuse!"
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Do you know,
0:06:37 > 0:06:41sometimes I think it's better not to know the behind-the-scenes stories.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43This is the vote against women bishops
0:06:43 > 0:06:46seen as a test for the new Archbishop of Canterbury.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48One commentator said,
0:06:48 > 0:06:52"These days an Archbishop needs the patience of a saint."
0:06:52 > 0:06:55THE SAINT THEME PLAYS
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Oh, wonderful!
0:07:00 > 0:07:04My life is now complete! Fantastic.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06It's quite easy to get that up there.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09You squeeze together and...
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Paul and Marcus, take a look at this.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Yes, OK, this is obviously a chimpanzee roller-skating
0:07:17 > 0:07:21and may be the same one driving a car and this is the...
0:07:21 > 0:07:26They're re-doing celebrity stories on BBC Four and that's Groucho Marx.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- No, it's monkeys having a mid-life crisis.- Absolutely.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31RACHEL: How do they know the chimps are happy?
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- That's what I don't understand. - Oh, they ask them.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36One of the study's authors pointed out...
0:07:47 > 0:07:50They want to roger more.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53APPLAUSE RACHEL: Very good.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I always thought it was funny that your real name
0:07:58 > 0:08:01was like one of those terrible Bond names.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05It never occurred to me until you mentioned it.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09It actually said, Roger, that middle-aged men are very unhappy
0:08:09 > 0:08:11but when you get older you get happy again.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13- Is that true?- That's bollocks.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21- It is wisdom you get as you get older, isn't it?- Yes, certainly.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22And timing.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26This is the news that monkeys suffer
0:08:26 > 0:08:29from their own form of mid-life crisis.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33This news comes at the same time as the government has released
0:08:33 > 0:08:36its first annual well-being index.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37According to the Daily Mail...
0:08:44 > 0:08:49For what it is worth, we're pretty happy in Monaco.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Here's another one for you.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57Yes. That's the police, all of them.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01This is the election speech. He looks happy, he's just lost.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- Oh, look. - There's an empty ballot box.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07That's the tumbleweed rolling past the polling station, did you see that?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10MARCUS: Either that or a very fat hedgehog.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- This was the... - It was the police commissioner. PCC.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16It was this election and it was a disastrous turn-out. 15%.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20But there was one polling station in Wales where there were no votes,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23which is only significant because it means the three candidates
0:09:23 > 0:09:26couldn't be bothered to vote for themselves.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Some people turned up to spoil their ballot papers.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32Now, here's my favourite.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39How did the Home Secretary, Theresa May,
0:09:39 > 0:09:41react to the disappointing voter turn-out?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- What vote?- She said...
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Four years' time?! I wouldn't worry about it, darling.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01Is that the way for Bond to address the Home Secretary?
0:10:01 > 0:10:05- Technically she's your boss! - I've retired.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10- Who had a great election day? - UKIP?- The Labour Party.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- They won everything. - There's a new Mayor of Bristol.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- No, it was UKIP.- That's what...? I said that as well!
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Yeah, but don't worry, it doesn't matter.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- It's not like Mastermind, is it?- No, the right answer is not a problem.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26- OK. Even if you give it?- No. - Nobody notices?- No.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28That's cos you're a woman!
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Staying with the police, did you hear the story of the man
0:10:34 > 0:10:39who has been charged with an unusual offence involving a police horse?
0:10:39 > 0:10:44Yes - he gave the horse a bun or a bit of bread or something to eat?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- A sausage roll. - A sausage roll, that was it.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50According to the police, when he was asked not to do so, the man...
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Surely it doesn't need to go to court.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01A swift kick in the Ginsters would do.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06- Here's another for you. - A very depressed-looking chimp.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Oh, yes - this is Andy Coulson
0:11:08 > 0:11:11and there's Rebekah Brooks with her husband, there.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Oh, this is the green book.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Police have done well to get that evidence, haven't they?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19The green book, I think, in this case, is a book that carries
0:11:19 > 0:11:22the, sort of, personal numbers of the royal family, mobile phones
0:11:22 > 0:11:26and all that kind of stuff and he's charged with paying a public servant
0:11:26 > 0:11:29a lot of money in order to get access to this book, I believe.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32That's what it's about, that's what he's been charged with, isn't it?
0:11:32 > 0:11:35- Coulson? Yes.- We can't really say anything about this story
0:11:35 > 0:11:38cos it's contempt of court. They've just been charged.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Oh, go on - say something, Ian.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45You can't get unlucky again, surely.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49What else are News Corporation employees alleged to have paid for?
0:11:49 > 0:11:53It's the photograph of Saddam Hussein in his underpants.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- RACHEL: Are we going to see it?- Oh...
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Can I ask that we don't?
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Anyway, all this is happening as Lord Leveson is about to deliver his report.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06What did the Daily Mail uncover about the people
0:12:06 > 0:12:08who are advising the Leveson Enquiry?
0:12:08 > 0:12:12It says here that Ian will explain.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14RACHEL: Ian?
0:12:16 > 0:12:20The Daily Mail decided, for reasons I think entirely known to them,
0:12:20 > 0:12:24to spend about 12 pages of their morning paper
0:12:24 > 0:12:27explaining this sinister group called Common Purpose
0:12:27 > 0:12:30who train people in the public sector
0:12:30 > 0:12:33and they managed to prove that nearly everybody
0:12:33 > 0:12:36who's ever had a job was trained by Common Purpose.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- It was just cobblers. - What?! In the Mail(?)
0:12:39 > 0:12:42I'm going to go and work for the Mail, Ian, so I'm glad you can...
0:12:42 > 0:12:45You may say that, but I couldn't possibly comment.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Don't work for the Mail. No, it's awful.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Is there any connection between the "Mail" and The Lady?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57APPLAUSE
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Those sort of things can't be coincidence.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05These are the latest criminal charges to be brought against
0:13:05 > 0:13:10David Cameron's close personal friends, Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson.
0:13:10 > 0:13:15Brooks faces allegations that The Sun paid retainers
0:13:15 > 0:13:21totalling £100,000 for stories to an MoD official, Bettina Barber.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Now, this is the first time we've heard of Bettina Barber.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Still, The Telegraph found this photo.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31The Times did the same, as did The Independent
0:13:31 > 0:13:33while the Guardian reporter...
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- Did they ever hack your phone? - I don't have a phone.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Did they ever hack your pigeon?
0:13:45 > 0:13:48So at the end of that round, four points each.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53RACHEL: I'm sure we'll win, though.
0:13:58 > 0:14:04Now, just wait a second. I have to write something.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- GUNSHOT - Urgh!
0:14:10 > 0:14:12I'm terribly sorry about that.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Now you mustn't get up for the next hour otherwise it spoils the joke.
0:14:15 > 0:14:20Time now for the Odd One Out round. Paul and Marcus.
0:14:20 > 0:14:26Wills and Kate, Winston Churchill, Sean Connery and Nero's mother.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Sean Connery, amongst his many jobs,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31he was a male model, I think, at one point.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- Yes, he was very good-looking, wasn't he?- Yes, extremely good-looking.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38MARCUS: Very, very good-looking.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Nero's mother was called Agrippina.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43MARCUS: That's a venereal disease, I think.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Well, I'm sure there was quite a lot of that in the family, too.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48He tried to kill his mother.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52He tried to scupper the boat she was on so that it would sink.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Is this in the notes at all?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56- Yes, this is absolutely true. - Oh, right.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Well, this is the stuff I know, the stuff that's really topical -
0:15:00 > 0:15:02about a couple of thousand years old.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05They've all had a car that was specially adapted
0:15:05 > 0:15:09apart from Nero's mother who had a boat modified for her by Nero
0:15:09 > 0:15:11so it would sink.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13There was a big family problem.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15They were on Jeremy Kyle, weren't they?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19"Stop speaking Latin, stop speaking Latin!"
0:15:22 > 0:15:26The Land Rover modified for Winston Churchill
0:15:26 > 0:15:29has just been sold for £129,000.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Does anybody know what was special about it?
0:15:32 > 0:15:36A special contraption to light cigars? An ejector seat! It must be an ejector seat.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39That's why you're here, you're on the show, you press a button...
0:15:39 > 0:15:43No, no, no. Churchill had the passenger seat of his Land Rover widened.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47Would that affect Mr Churchill's car insurance?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Oh, yes.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- Do you want to get Martin Clunes back?- Oh, yes.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58- Oh, yes.- Oh, no.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00That's Alan Bennett!
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- Sean Connery.- Yes. He was good.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Best warm-up man I've ever seen.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Do we think Sean is a good actor?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11He's terrific. He's managed to convince everyone
0:16:11 > 0:16:14he's in favour of an independent Scotland whilst living in Spain.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- It's magnificent. - But he's not as good as this man.
0:16:22 > 0:16:23Hello!
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- Oh, hi, Dad.- Hello.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29And actually goodbye.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32THEY SPEAK IN GREEK
0:16:33 > 0:16:38Oh, no, Dad - I'm in a hurry. I'll be back, I promise.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40But why don't you just stay a bit?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:53 > 0:16:55I am so happy.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58I am so happy to have seen that
0:16:58 > 0:17:01because it proves that I am not the worst actor in the world.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08- Tell me there's a new series starting called Big Shot.- Um...
0:17:08 > 0:17:11That... That is a...
0:17:12 > 0:17:14RACHEL: You've got a lot of explaining to do.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17It's a Greek television series,
0:17:17 > 0:17:20it's an adaptation of a novel written by my wife...
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Who did you sleep with to get that job?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29It wasn't a huge budget
0:17:29 > 0:17:32and they paid for some other proper actors and they needed
0:17:32 > 0:17:35someone to play an Englishman who wasn't very good at Greek.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38They could have got Telly Savalas.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43Did they offer you the job of Finance Minister while you were there?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45They're finding that job very difficult to fill.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47There's a new one out called The Thread.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50RACHEL: Look, everyone else is promoting other people's books...
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I've a new book out called Bond On Bond.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Ian and Rachel, George Bush junior and George Bush senior,
0:17:58 > 0:18:03Frederick Humphries, quadruplets in Shenzhen and Patrick McGoohan.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07This is about numbers. Now, the Bushes are the 41st
0:18:07 > 0:18:10and 43rd Presidents of the United States.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- Those are the four quadruplets. - They've got numbers.- On their heads.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Have they?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Doesn't the mother have to shave the numbers into their heads
0:18:18 > 0:18:20so she knows which one is which?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22He's Agent Shirtless.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25He's the FBI agent in the General Petraeus case
0:18:25 > 0:18:28who sent pictures of himself without his shirt on.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- But he's got a number. I don't know what it is.- She's got his number.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Agent Shirtless is the odd one out
0:18:33 > 0:18:36because he's the only one who doesn't have a number.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40- Ah. Yeah, I think that's right. - Thank you, Paul.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41Roger, is that right?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43I haven't got a clue.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Can we have an independent enquiry?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Preferably led by a retired judge?
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- Your points have come up so it must be right.- Yes, that's right.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00George Bush junior and George Bush senior refer to each other
0:19:00 > 0:19:04as number 41 and 43 respectively. Why?
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- Because that's their IQ.- No.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:11 > 0:19:15It's the order, 41 and 43, in which they became president.
0:19:15 > 0:19:21Bill Clinton is number 42, sandwiched between two Bushes.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28A Chinese woman got a barber to shave numbers
0:19:28 > 0:19:32on to the heads of her quadruplets. Explaining why, she said...
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Racist!
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Let's have a look.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:19:44 > 0:19:47That's also how the father remembers his PIN number.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54It is time now for the gun barrel of news.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56JAMES BOND THEME PLAYS
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Buzz in when you know what the story is.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08BUZZ
0:20:08 > 0:20:12That is a picture of the last typewriter made in Britain.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- Absolutely correct.- Absolutely. - RACHEL: Well done, Paul.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18APPLAUSE
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Do you use one rather than e-mail, Roger?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Are you still hammering away at the keys?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Well, I don't hammer. I just dictate.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- To Moneypenny.- Of course.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Yes, I have a Moneypenny in my life.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39I have a lot of loose change, too.
0:20:42 > 0:20:47You could always drop some of it to the taxman if you fancied it.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49All right.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Now, fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57DING RACHEL: I think I buzzed.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01- Yes, it's you. - So I answer the question?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04I was... I was fast asleep.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08This is to do with the 65th anniversary
0:21:08 > 0:21:12of the Duke of Edinburgh and Her Majesty the Queen,
0:21:12 > 0:21:16which they celebrated by going to the Royal Variety Performance
0:21:16 > 0:21:22and watching a dog called Pudsey dance to a selection of Bond tunes.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- What a brilliant evening's entertainment.- I can't imagine.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Apparently, the Duke of Edinburgh had to also go through
0:21:28 > 0:21:31the Girls Aloud, Gary Barlow full experience and apparently
0:21:31 > 0:21:35he told them afterwards, "It's all right - we're both stone deaf." Didn't he?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40They've been married for 65 years. Amazing.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- What is that - blue Sapphire? - Blue Sapphire.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47- Sounds like a Bond villain, doesn't it?- Sounds like a porn name.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- Sorry, I shouldn't say that in front of a Christian like you.- Yeah.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53No, no - C of E, a very broad church.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55That's another porn name - Broad Church.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02What myth about Prince Charles was dispelled this week?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04He prefers grapes to cucumber.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08No...
0:22:16 > 0:22:18"I wanted parboiled, you moron!"
0:22:20 > 0:22:23"This one doesn't even have a little face on it! Wanker!"
0:22:26 > 0:22:29"You can shove that back up the chicken!"
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36BUZZ
0:22:36 > 0:22:39MARCUS: This is Sally Bercow.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43She libelled Lord McAlpine by doing a, sort of, furtive tweet
0:22:43 > 0:22:47pretending she didn't know why anybody was talking about him
0:22:47 > 0:22:52and in telling you that I have now also libelled Lord McAlpine so...
0:22:52 > 0:22:57And I've done it again by saying that I've just libelled Lord McAlpine.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59This is why you shouldn't say something twice.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01It just racks the bill up. It doubles it up.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- Every time you say Lord McAlpine, it goes up.- Higher, higher.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08She's essentially got Twitter diarrhoea,
0:23:08 > 0:23:10which a lot of people have out there.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14MARCUS: She's got the twits.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18- She said you need a law degree to be on Twitter nowadays.- No, you don't.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21It's very, very simple. You just don't repeat libellous comments
0:23:21 > 0:23:23if you don't know they're true or not.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- MARCUS: Says Ian Hislop.- Yeah, yeah.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Who has, in fact, got some experience.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34And if I do, I expect to be prosecuted for it.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37And you should be able to defend yourself.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40I'm all for you can say the stuff but you can't complain.
0:23:40 > 0:23:45Publish and be damned but not publish and go, "Ooh - gulps!"
0:23:45 > 0:23:49- That's not the quote. - Do innocent face.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Time now for the Missing Words round,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56which this week features as its guest publication
0:23:56 > 0:24:00the knitting patterns of Patons And Baldwins Ltd.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02That's me.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Is it you on the right?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08And we start with...
0:24:12 > 0:24:13"Fully inflated."
0:24:18 > 0:24:22This is not the Edward Heath who ran the country,
0:24:22 > 0:24:28but the Edward Heath who built a model of Buckingham Palace and set light to it.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Is that treason?
0:24:30 > 0:24:31Next...
0:24:34 > 0:24:37"Tempted to count chickens before they are hatched."
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Is it "Chancellor of the Exchequer?"
0:24:42 > 0:24:44"Running up a tab at Morrisons."
0:24:44 > 0:24:46No, the answer is...
0:24:50 > 0:24:51Next...
0:24:54 > 0:24:56"South America."
0:24:57 > 0:24:59"Leather wallet."
0:25:02 > 0:25:04It says up there illegal immigrant
0:25:04 > 0:25:06but I shouldn't read that out because it's your go.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09MARCUS: Let's say illegal immigrant,
0:25:09 > 0:25:12or you can, now that you're writing for the Mail.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Say it over and over and over again.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16APPLAUSE
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Illegal immigrant.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Next...
0:25:27 > 0:25:30MARCUS: "Knitting. A parachute."
0:25:30 > 0:25:34"I am not landing in Luton. Seriously, have you seen it?"
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- RACHEL: "I'm on the plane."- No. - "I'm on the piss."
0:25:39 > 0:25:41No.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45As I am.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52And finally...
0:25:56 > 0:25:59"To Mr Knit of Knit Towers, Knittingham."
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Is it "the knitting ombudsman"?
0:26:04 > 0:26:06MARCUS: "Ofknit?"
0:26:11 > 0:26:12The answer is...
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Though don't expect a prompt reply.
0:26:21 > 0:26:26I'm still waiting for my Swinging '60s Willy-Warmer.
0:26:28 > 0:26:33So the final scores are Ian and Rachel, 8,
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Paul and Marcus have 7.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Do I get a high five?
0:26:42 > 0:26:46So for our winners this week, survival,
0:26:46 > 0:26:48and for our losers, this...
0:26:59 > 0:27:04But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Sausage roll-eating horse banned from swimming gala.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:14 > 0:27:18On which note we say thank you to our panellists,
0:27:18 > 0:27:22Ian Hislop and Rachel Johnson, Paul Merton and Marcus Brigstocke.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26And I leave you with the news that in a bid to improve their libidos,
0:27:26 > 0:27:31the pandas at Edinburgh Zoo are given access to pornography.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38It emerges that London's new cable car service
0:27:38 > 0:27:43offers spectacular views of the nearest Spearmint Rhino.
0:27:47 > 0:27:52And in his private estate outside LA, Piers Morgan inspects
0:27:52 > 0:27:55the monument to himself he's just had commissioned.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Good night.
0:28:39 > 0:28:40It was easier making Bond.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Did anyone check whether that chap who got shot was all right?
0:28:48 > 0:28:51- I'll get him again.- Oh! - GUNSHOTS