:00:13. > :00:22.I would like to know why at the age of 90, I have to sign a piece of
:00:23. > :01:02.
:01:02. > :01:04.paper in order to be on this show APPLAUSE
:01:04. > :01:08.Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jack
:01:08. > :01:18.Whitehall. In the news this week, after receiving the long awaited
:01:18. > :01:24.
:01:24. > :01:26.Leveson Report, David Cameron takes action.
:01:26. > :01:28.LAUGHTER At a casting session for The Magic
:01:28. > :01:38.Roundabout Musical, Nigel Havers really nails his audition for the
:01:38. > :01:41.
:01:41. > :01:42.part of Zebedee. LAUGHTER
:01:42. > :01:44.And at River Cottage, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall is spotted
:01:44. > :01:48.coming home from John Lewis with a brand-new meat cleaver.
:01:48. > :01:52.Scream SCREAMING
:01:52. > :02:00.Ian is a member of the House of Lords and the oldest guest we have
:02:00. > :02:07.had on this show, it would be ungalant to tell me her ladyship's
:02:07. > :02:11.age, she was born before this this programme started and before BBC
:02:11. > :02:21.One started and before television started, please welcome Baroness
:02:21. > :02:30.
:02:30. > :02:33.Trumpington. APPLAUSE
:02:33. > :02:36.And with Paul is a familiar face from The Apprentice who as a PR man
:02:36. > :02:38.spent 21 years with Alan Sugar At Amstrad and he is still working
:02:38. > :02:40.unlike most Amstrads. How could you? I know.
:02:40. > :02:47.We start start with the bigger stories of the week. Ian, Baroness
:02:47. > :02:51.Trumpington, take a look at that? That's Hugh Grant and come ron on
:02:51. > :02:56.to the -- Cameron on the phone to Rebecca. That's Nick Clegg bringing
:02:56. > :03:02.in the tea for the Cabinet and that's a bad re-enactment. What
:03:02. > :03:08.side are you on this, if any? listening to you. That's the
:03:08. > :03:10.correct side. LAUGHTER
:03:10. > :03:13.You see they are not all bad, the House of Lords.
:03:13. > :03:18.Ian, would you care to summarise the Leveson Report? Yes, there are
:03:19. > :03:25.four volumes of it and a summary. We have actually got them here.
:03:25. > :03:31.summary is, that you know, the press behaved abysmally. He is
:03:31. > :03:36.slightly kinder to the police who behaved quite abysmally and the
:03:36. > :03:42.politicians didn't behave that abysmally. My view is they all did.
:03:42. > :03:45.You think a free press is a good idea? Yes, I think a free press is
:03:45. > :03:49.a good idea. Does that include telephone
:03:49. > :03:54.listening in? What I am in favour of is a free press that obeys the
:03:54. > :03:59.law and there is a law against all the things that came up in the
:04:00. > :04:02.report, telephone hacking, bribery, are covered by the law. They
:04:02. > :04:06.weren't enforced by the police because they were in the pocket of
:04:06. > :04:16.the press, who are in the pocket of the politicians in fact by Mr
:04:16. > :04:17.Cameron himself. So I think... Steady. I know.
:04:17. > :04:20.LAUGHTER You did say you were listening to
:04:20. > :04:23.me, so I thought I would give it a wang really.
:04:23. > :04:29.How much did this cost you? �250. This is yours. Would you like that
:04:29. > :04:34.for Christmas? Yeah, I will have it, yeah.
:04:34. > :04:42.Baroness, I bought you 50 Shades of Grey. Oh, you have already got it.
:04:42. > :04:48.How did Sky News report David Cameron's reaction to the report?
:04:48. > :04:58.Leave it Leveson! What did Lord Justice Leveson do after the press
:04:58. > :05:00.
:05:00. > :05:03.conference? Well, he ordered a bottle of whisky and said I wasted
:05:03. > :05:07.14 months of my life. He flew out to Australia.
:05:07. > :05:13.Did you see Pierce Morgan's response on Twitter? Yes.
:05:13. > :05:18.You did! I did look up the bit about Pierce
:05:18. > :05:23.Morgan in that report. I know it is 700,000 million words, but the four
:05:23. > :05:27.or five about Piers are worth a look.
:05:28. > :05:32.Can you remember what they were? Lord Leveson didn't find his
:05:32. > :05:36.description of phone hacking and how he had never done any entirely
:05:36. > :05:45.convincing. That's all I'm going to say. Read it for your selves.
:05:45. > :05:55.The Conservatives don't want want statutory regulation.
:05:55. > :05:58.
:05:58. > :06:05.Come this side instead of talking satellite. What did he Twitter then,
:06:05. > :06:14.sor sni? Story? Taxi for at hacked off Hugh.
:06:14. > :06:19.My response would be police car for Pi rerks Pi ers. Big angry cell-
:06:19. > :06:21.mate who misses his wife for Piers. He would have to miss her an awful
:06:21. > :06:25.lot. What evidence is there for the
:06:25. > :06:29.public losing interest in the hole thing that's linked to Hugh Grant?
:06:29. > :06:39.They haven't lost interest, have they? Last night his documentary
:06:39. > :06:41.
:06:41. > :06:44.Taking on the Tabloids Was only viewed by over 500 vow viewers.
:06:44. > :06:47.Countdown gets more than that. I think they are interested,
:06:47. > :06:49.perhaps it is just me. Are you interested? Are you still
:06:49. > :06:54.interested? AUDIENCE: Yes.
:06:54. > :06:58.And the Hugh Grant thing, did you back that campaign? I think
:06:58. > :07:02.anything that keeps Hugh Grant away from acting! This is the long
:07:02. > :07:06.awaited release of the Leveson Report. Which called for outside
:07:06. > :07:14.regulation to make sure the press regulate themselves. Despite having
:07:14. > :07:24.read the exchange of personal texts between David Cameron and and
:07:24. > :07:25.
:07:25. > :07:32.Rebecca Brookes Lord Leveson described the relationship.
:07:32. > :07:38.From now on hacks will be known as... (BLEEP) My daughter-in-law
:07:38. > :07:44.taught him at school. She said he was a very naughty boy. Really?
:07:44. > :07:48.he fiddled in the the margins. What? Was that a pub? Paul and Nick
:07:48. > :07:55.take a look at this. This is the new governor of the
:07:55. > :08:03.Bank of England. He is a Canadian. I don't know his name. This is
:08:03. > :08:07.Canada in 1948. Maple syrup to to indicate we are in Canada. It is a
:08:07. > :08:12.bit odd that we can't find somebody to run the bank and we have to go
:08:12. > :08:17.to Canada, but it is the same in football, they are all foreigners.
:08:17. > :08:22.Is there nobody worth a damn here anymore, Jack? Is it not a good
:08:23. > :08:32.idea having a foreigner running our banking system? Has he got our
:08:32. > :08:38.interests at heart? Working for the Canadians. Where is over the border
:08:38. > :08:43.from Canada? Mexico. Canada survived best out of this recession.
:08:43. > :08:47.They decided why can't we get someone in? We can't do it, let's
:08:47. > :08:51.get in a Canadian. Let's look at Mark Carney. The
:08:51. > :08:58.press said he bears a likeness to George Clooney. Let's look at him
:08:58. > :09:05.again. I mean, I look more like George Clooney than him. Nick looks
:09:05. > :09:10.more like George Clooney than him. The baroness looks more like George
:09:10. > :09:13.Clooney than him. Would you like to see George Alagiah asking a
:09:13. > :09:23.question. What is he got that no one in
:09:23. > :09:24.
:09:24. > :09:27.Britain has got? LAUGHTER
:09:27. > :09:32.And what about money, how much is Mark Carney getting paid? �600,000.
:09:32. > :09:38.He can top it downstairs. He comes in in the morning, a thin
:09:38. > :09:42.bloke. Goes home at night a fat bloke.
:09:42. > :09:52.Harry Redknapp has become a manager of a football club and he is being
:09:52. > :09:55.
:09:55. > :09:56.paid �3 million a year which after tax is �3 million a year!
:09:56. > :10:03.LAUGHTER Have you got a question about a
:10:03. > :10:09.major perk. Is that a man? I don't know. Is he a friend of General
:10:09. > :10:13.Commotion or Corporal Punishment. And Private Matter. According to
:10:13. > :10:18.the Independent there is one major perk that comes with being governor
:10:18. > :10:24.of the Bank of England. What is it? You are allowed to take whatever
:10:24. > :10:33.sticks to your hand you can take home! The answer is the impressive
:10:33. > :10:39.en suite thunderbox in the governor agency parlour -- gof -- governor's
:10:39. > :10:44.parlour. Oh, you are referring to Fat Pang.
:10:44. > :10:51.This is Lord Patten and he thought they were they were asking too many
:10:51. > :10:56.questions about the BBC and he said, "Next, you will be wanting to know
:10:56. > :11:06.about my toilet habits." I was at Wembley and I was handling a speech
:11:06. > :11:07.
:11:07. > :11:09.and I looked around and I said said, "Has anybody got a stapler. "he
:11:09. > :11:17.said I will get one and he rushed off and came back.
:11:17. > :11:21.But what of his toilet habits? He he doesn't use a stapler for that.
:11:21. > :11:31.Have you got two Tories on the panel tonight.
:11:31. > :11:32.
:11:32. > :11:34.I am Labour. So you were just at a Tory shindig?
:11:34. > :11:37.LAUGHTER Next time he talks I will make a
:11:37. > :11:42.part noise. -- fart noise.
:11:42. > :11:50.Can I go home now? Can I come with you? Banking is a bit dry. Would we
:11:50. > :12:00.like to cheer ourselves up by watching Boris do the the mobot?
:12:00. > :12:02.
:12:02. > :12:12.Do the mobot. LAUGHTER
:12:12. > :12:16.
:12:16. > :12:18.Did he know he was going filmed? That could be your next leader.
:12:18. > :12:21.LAUGHTER The mobot was a craze, but you have
:12:21. > :12:27.started the vbot. I have to tell you that that noble lord and I have
:12:27. > :12:35.been friends for many, many years. This is Lord King. You denied that
:12:35. > :12:36.you flicked him the Vs. It is rather catching.
:12:36. > :12:41.LAUGHTER Did you regret swearing at him?
:12:41. > :12:46.because I regretted what he said which was that people of my age
:12:46. > :12:52.were starting to look very, very, very old. Well, wouldn't you do
:12:52. > :12:56.that? LAUGHTER
:12:56. > :12:59.Oh lord. This is the news that the ka
:12:59. > :13:09.Canadian Mark Carney is to become the first foreigner to run the Bank
:13:09. > :13:16.
:13:16. > :13:19.of England. Yeah, tell that to UKIP. LAUGHTER
:13:19. > :13:22.According to the Times he has has negotiated a salary of �64,000, but
:13:22. > :13:24.-- �624,000, but if he screw it is up, he will get more more under the
:13:24. > :13:27.Entwistle clause. Here is another one for you.
:13:27. > :13:30.UKIP. Farrage because he is the only one. No, lots of them. Look at
:13:30. > :13:34.him, he is so glum. This is the news, well, it is happening now now.
:13:34. > :13:38.So when you see this, you will know. You can ip will have -- UKIP will
:13:38. > :13:45.have won a seat. The Conservative Party will have formed a coalition
:13:45. > :13:46.with UKIP. I I hope not!
:13:47. > :13:49.LAUGHTER Frankly, I think it is the most
:13:49. > :13:54.horrible set-up. What UKIP? Yes. Right.
:13:54. > :13:59.That's it. LAUGHTER
:13:59. > :14:07.Well, that's that then. Yeah. This is the row over foster
:14:07. > :14:13.children. Oh, that was disgraceful. How did Nigel Farage describe the
:14:13. > :14:18.decision by Rotherham social services? Baffling.
:14:18. > :14:18.Correct. Baffling.
:14:18. > :14:18.LAUGHTER He
:14:18. > :14:18.He was
:14:19. > :14:19.He was actually
:14:19. > :14:21.He was actually right
:14:21. > :14:24.He was actually right for a change though. The reason given by
:14:24. > :14:28.Rotherham council for taking the Eastern European children away?
:14:28. > :14:32.That the foster parents were members of UKIP.
:14:32. > :14:36.The foster mum claimed we don't know or care about the immigration
:14:36. > :14:40.policy, we just agree that we should get out of the EU.
:14:40. > :14:43.To say that UKIP people can't do it seems amazing. Put them back in
:14:44. > :14:50.care, that's worked well. Oh no, it hasn't.
:14:50. > :14:54.Is the idea that they will be brought up as as racists to hate
:14:54. > :15:00.themselves. Is that the fear? That they will wake-up in the morning
:15:00. > :15:08.and punch themselves in the face. Ian's parents were in the
:15:08. > :15:13.grateful... UKIP were outraged, but how did David Cameron describe them
:15:13. > :15:17.in 2006? Fruit cakes and loonies. Fruit cakes and loonies and closet
:15:17. > :15:24.racists. I like this phrase closet racist.
:15:24. > :15:33.He has come out as a racist, he done know if he is a racist or not,
:15:33. > :15:36.Why is this a bad time for Cameron and the tourist agonise UKIP?
:15:36. > :15:41.Because UKIP are getting a lot of roads, the country as Euro-sceptic
:15:41. > :15:47.and a lot of Tories are threatening to desert. Not a lot. A OK, hardly
:15:47. > :15:51.ever. There was someone in your party suggested there should be a
:15:51. > :15:56.coalition between UKIP and the Conservatives. You talk of Michael
:15:56. > :15:59.fabric -- a talk of Michael Fabricated-hair. Here is a picture
:15:59. > :16:02.of Michael Fabricated-hair. Michael Fabricant suggested a packed with
:16:02. > :16:12.UKIP so they would not stand against the Conservatives. We got
:16:12. > :16:23.
:16:23. > :16:28.It is not come we're just making jokes about your appearance.
:16:28. > :16:35.LAUGHTER. It's probably going to be set up home, pulling up someone
:16:35. > :16:41.else's head. -- pulling out someone else's hair. What do they spend a
:16:41. > :16:46.lot of money on at the EU? Meetings. Pastries. It is wind. They were
:16:46. > :16:50.serving Bordeaux at �121 a bottle at the EU summit dinner. Cameron
:16:50. > :16:56.walked out and 80 has done elsewhere. He was not going to be
:16:56. > :17:02.drinking any of that cheap plonk. Although according to the Sun, he
:17:02. > :17:09.nipped back later for the cold meats and cheeses. Paul and Nick,
:17:09. > :17:14.another for you. OK, the clip from George Melies' A Trip to the Moon,
:17:14. > :17:16.but is a nuclear explosion. There was some story that during the cold
:17:16. > :17:20.war the Americans debated whether to blow up the moon with nuclear
:17:20. > :17:23.weapons. I don't know what they thought the point would be. Hans
:17:23. > :17:27.Blix had told them the Clangers had weapons of mass destruction. The
:17:27. > :17:33.little boy was the Bombay dropped on Hiroshima, so they were looking
:17:33. > :17:37.at something bigger. It was called a fat man. Would you like to see a
:17:37. > :17:45.picture of a fat man? Yes. thought we were going to show you
:17:45. > :17:48.something like this. No. It is Eric Pickles. He is a member of the
:17:48. > :17:58.Cabinet. Have you ever heard of him? Yes, and certainly have. I did
:17:58. > :18:00.
:18:00. > :18:05.not realise he was that large. LAUGHTER. What was the reason they
:18:05. > :18:09.wanted to do this? It was posturing. The Russians had launched Sputnik,
:18:09. > :18:15.so they wanted to make a statement and surprise the Russians by
:18:15. > :18:19.blowing up the moon. Sanity prevailed. There were doubts over
:18:19. > :18:23.what effect the moon blast could have on us, including tidal
:18:23. > :18:26.patterns. Talking of which, floods in this country have got serious
:18:27. > :18:36.because of celebrity has been affected. Which celebrity? What is
:18:36. > :18:40.there initials? P D. Her is it P Diddy. Paul Daniels. Paul Daniels.
:18:40. > :18:44.He lives by the River Thames. the little island. Paul Daniels
:18:44. > :18:48.said he was furious with the council and his house was under two
:18:49. > :18:53.feet of flooding. He has been flooded every year for years and he
:18:54. > :18:58.keeps moaning about it. Get a Sandbach, for God's sake. If you
:18:58. > :19:02.live next to the River Thames and complaining about flooding, it's
:19:02. > :19:06.like moving into -- next door to Ryan Giggs and complaining when he
:19:06. > :19:10.bangs your wife. You surely knew when you moved into the area. This
:19:10. > :19:17.is America's planned to blow up the moon. The plan to fire nuclear
:19:17. > :19:23.missile that the moon was codenamed Project A 119, although later it
:19:23. > :19:28.was a way of connecting heart that at Stevenage. That is the actual
:19:28. > :19:32.road. On birds, the UK was again hit by widespread flooding. One of
:19:32. > :19:36.the people affected was magician Paul Daniels. He was stranded in
:19:36. > :19:43.his house. The emergency services said despite frantic efforts they
:19:43. > :19:50.were running out of excuses not to rescue him. So to round two, the
:19:50. > :19:54.picture spin quiz. Fingers on buzzers, teams. This is the pigeon
:19:55. > :19:59.they found in a chimney. This is a coat, it had a code on its leg
:19:59. > :20:04.which they could not decipher. They have deciphered it, it says, help,
:20:04. > :20:09.I'm trapped in this Jimmy. called experts at GCHQ have failed
:20:09. > :20:15.to crack a message attached to a World War II carrier pigeon's
:20:15. > :20:19.skeleton, asking the public for their help. It would be. It would
:20:19. > :20:26.be greater if we had something working as a code-breaker in the
:20:26. > :20:34.war. Surely it should not be too hard, enigma. Here is a picture of
:20:34. > :20:42.the bird's food with the canister. Sorry, that is Yasser Arafat.
:20:42. > :20:50.journey home. LAUGHTER. Would you like the show to go out as a
:20:50. > :20:56.tribute? I want JLS at my funeral. Is that some Palestinian group we
:20:56. > :21:01.haven't heard of? The message including 2,700 and box of five
:21:01. > :21:05.letters. Do you know what it says? No. This is the World War to code
:21:05. > :21:10.found attached to the Leader of the dead pigeon, which experts have
:21:10. > :21:20.failed to decipher apart from the words of Dastardly and Muttley.
:21:20. > :21:24.
:21:24. > :21:28.Fingers on buzzers, teams. He looks like he needs a good bra. LAUGHTER.
:21:28. > :21:33.There was a spoof article in the States saying he was the most sexy,
:21:33. > :21:37.charming, wasn't he gorgeous. Chinese The People's Daily printed
:21:37. > :21:42.this as though it was absolutely true. Their suspicions were not
:21:42. > :21:48.aroused by the previous winners, which accrued it Assad of Syria --
:21:48. > :21:58.which included Assad of Syria and Piers Morgan. I have made that bit
:21:58. > :22:07.
:22:07. > :22:14.up. I have the description they That is fair. Who wants this last
:22:14. > :22:22.After eight mint? I'm having it. China's state run paper, The
:22:22. > :22:31.People's Daily, has fallen for The Onion's online spoof naming Kim
:22:31. > :22:35.Jong-un as the sexiest man alive. Fingers on buzzers, teams. We say
:22:36. > :22:39.it is Andrew Marr. It is Andrew Marr. I know, the naturists of
:22:39. > :22:43.Great Britain complained he was distorting history by showing
:22:43. > :22:47.people from thousands of years ago walking around wearing clothes,
:22:47. > :22:51.when they wore no clothes at all. It is more corruption at the BBC.
:22:51. > :22:55.It is six exactly that, a cover-up. It has been brought up by the
:22:55. > :23:00.British naturism. They say apparently the Australian
:23:00. > :23:04.Aborigines did not wear loin cloths. The Caribbean tried did not wear
:23:04. > :23:13.shorts and dresses. Early tribes in Africa did not wear bikinis. Why do
:23:13. > :23:17.they always play ping-pong -- ping- pong? Who? Naturalists. It is quite
:23:17. > :23:22.a softball, if an accident were to occur. I'd rather be hit in the
:23:22. > :23:27.balls with a ping-pong ball, and... My little grandson, he has a list.
:23:27. > :23:32.He said I've been kicked in the cream crackers. I thought it was
:23:32. > :23:36.sweet. He then said, somebody kicked me in the peanuts. Should we
:23:36. > :23:41.not be concerned about who is assaulting him on a regular basis?
:23:41. > :23:46.What excuse to the BBC give for the cover-up? You can't trust a naked
:23:46. > :23:51.woman with Andrew Marr. According to the Telegraph, it had been
:23:51. > :23:55.obliged to compromise accuracy to take into account the sensitivities
:23:55. > :23:58.of the audience. Yes, this is the latest BBC scandal, this time over
:23:58. > :24:03.full-frontal nudity and their failure to show it to a peak-time
:24:03. > :24:06.family audience on BBC One. In the BBC's defence, it is impossible to
:24:06. > :24:11.know whether people from ancient civilisations would have worn
:24:11. > :24:20.clothes. And lest anyone can remember. Perhaps they have very
:24:20. > :24:23.long beards. LAUGHTER. It was also revealed this week that a
:24:23. > :24:27.contestant on Countdown was taught by Channel Four to cover up its
:24:27. > :24:34.offensive chest hair. It was so distracting that he was almost
:24:34. > :24:39.forgot to look down Rachel Riley's top. The thing is I am opposite her.
:24:39. > :24:44.It is difficult not to appear to be staring. It really is difficult.
:24:44. > :24:48.She probably thinks I'm a pervert, which are not. No, it is
:24:48. > :24:53.professional interest. You have definitely done a good deal to
:24:53. > :24:57.dispel that by saying that. I am very proud of it and I am
:24:57. > :25:06.contemplating another contract. Don't spoil it, Jack. I'm not going
:25:06. > :25:11.to. I love Countdown. Nobody likes me -- likes it, he told me. I find
:25:11. > :25:15.it weird when you call me Daddy. think it is charming. Your father
:25:15. > :25:19.is one of the most amusing men I have ever met. I hope he is
:25:20. > :25:25.watching this, in a strange sort of way. What do you mean, with his
:25:25. > :25:30.head in a bucket? Time for the missing words round, which this
:25:30. > :25:36.week features as a guest publication the newsletter of
:25:36. > :25:46.Ophthalmic Antiques. We start with, oh, how I would love to what?
:25:46. > :25:51.
:25:51. > :26:00.inside. You were the smoker? I am. When did you give up? About 102.
:26:00. > :26:10.What do you do now after sex? did I what? LAUGHTER. Cigars.
:26:10. > :26:14.
:26:14. > :26:17.Cigars. LAUGHTER. Oh, how I would love to polish the silver case
:26:17. > :26:22.number 21.073 and the spectacles and it. What were the chances of us
:26:22. > :26:29.getting that right? Next, binge drink, conk out and pushing up
:26:29. > :26:36.daisies what? It is Baroness Trumpington's list of things to do.
:26:36. > :26:40.It is exactly what it is. Binge drink, conk out and push up daisies
:26:40. > :26:47.are terms to be got from the trenches. Next, what do to school
:26:47. > :26:53.former Scots? Stupid mascots. answer is Japanese students go to
:26:53. > :26:57.school from Scots. For God's sake. This is a new mass got school in
:26:57. > :27:02.Japan. Most football teams these days have a mascot, Sunderland have
:27:02. > :27:08.this. It is a black cat come at least I think that is what John
:27:08. > :27:17.Terry called it. And finally, Elton John's prescription in the late
:27:17. > :27:20.1970s was... Slightly stronger in the left than the right eye? I hope
:27:20. > :27:27.that is right, it is the most boring answer we have ever had.
:27:27. > :27:33.answer is about 3.5 degrees with a degree of public astigmatism. The
:27:33. > :27:43.final scores are Ian and Baroness Trumpington have six points, but
:27:43. > :27:52.Paul and Nick have eight points. Before we go, there is just time
:27:52. > :28:01.for the caption competition. Say something. Man has sex with an
:28:01. > :28:05.elephant using telephone box as a condom. Is it a trunk call?
:28:05. > :28:08.APPLAUSE. I leave a week -- I leave you with news there is
:28:08. > :28:14.embarrassment on his first day of work as the new Archbishop of
:28:14. > :28:17.Canterbury locks himself out. High above the streets of London after
:28:17. > :28:25.suffering a breakdown, stressed out Dale Winton is gently coaxed back