:00:49. > :00:53.Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I am David Mitchell.
:00:53. > :01:03.In the news this week, Andrew Marr announces the shock news that the
:01:03. > :01:05.
:01:05. > :01:10.Pet Shop Boys have converted to Looking out of the bedroom window
:01:10. > :01:20.in his Sheffield constituency, Nick Clegg regrets saying he will be the
:01:20. > :01:30.
:01:30. > :01:34.leader of the Liberal Democrats And in Bedfordshire, outside the
:01:34. > :01:44.home of Nadine Dorries, a reporter is on hand to witness the after-
:01:44. > :01:45.
:01:45. > :01:49.With Ian tonight is a Scottish comedian who was recently described
:01:49. > :01:54.as infectious and bubbly. Which either makes her the perfect guest,
:01:54. > :02:02.or she has got the Noro Virus. Please welcome Susan Calman.
:02:02. > :02:06.APPLAUSE And with Paul is a journalist and broadcaster who
:02:06. > :02:10.recently published a book about how to get what you want out of life,
:02:10. > :02:18.which was a great success if what she wanted is a pile of remaindered
:02:18. > :02:27.books. Please welcome Janet Street- And we start with the biggest
:02:27. > :02:31.stories of the week. Great. George Osborne. Handsome hunks Friday.
:02:31. > :02:37.This is the Autumn Statement, which was quite cheery. George Osborne
:02:37. > :02:42.announced that it is not as bad as you think. It is worth. It is just
:02:42. > :02:46.so gloomy it is unbelievable. Everything is up, misery, or
:02:46. > :02:51.austerity, poverty. It makes you yearn for when people said things
:02:51. > :02:56.will get better and it will be all right. He said, no, it is terrible.
:02:56. > :03:02.Until 2018, it is just awful. should have thrown his paper and
:03:02. > :03:05.gone BLEEP, why bother. That is his prediction, is it? No, he has
:03:05. > :03:09.changed his predictions. His previous predictions unfortunately
:03:09. > :03:14.were not true, or did not come true. His new predictions are more
:03:14. > :03:18.realistic. Are they? They are really awful. The negative growth
:03:18. > :03:23.for the and 2012, and triple dip recession. It sounds like a
:03:23. > :03:27.delicious ice-cream. We have good growth. We have got the Duchess of
:03:27. > :03:33.Cambridge, she is having growth on our behalf. She will be a beacon in
:03:33. > :03:39.my life as I see my pension fund and started a worth three been --
:03:39. > :03:46.three peanuts and a bubble. As I slowly rot in my shed. You are not
:03:46. > :03:51.going to slowly rot in a shed. Those are comforting words as we
:03:51. > :03:56.approach Christmas. There is always someone worse off than yourself, as
:03:56. > :04:02.the Queen often says. What did Ed Balls say about this? He got it
:04:02. > :04:09.wrong, didn't he? He did. He got the opening phrases wrong. He said
:04:09. > :04:15.the national deficit is not rising, is rising, is not falling. That was
:04:15. > :04:17.the net against the government and they laughed at him. It is two
:04:17. > :04:22.incompetence pointlessly shouting at each other with no power to
:04:22. > :04:27.change anything. That is a summary. Well, at least they get on. They
:04:27. > :04:31.are great mates in real life. Do you want to see them sharing a joke
:04:31. > :04:38.on the Andrew Marr Show? LAUGHTER. What is the size of our national
:04:39. > :04:47.debt? A trillion, isn't it? Yes, how many zeros is that? Eight. 15.
:04:47. > :04:50.In between. Seven. 12. Would you like to see how the Daily Express
:04:50. > :04:54.explained where all the readers -- where all the money goes. The use
:04:55. > :05:00.this simple diagram. It is actually very similar budgetary analysist to
:05:00. > :05:04.that which appeared in the previous day's Guardian. That is one in the
:05:04. > :05:10.eye for the express its detractors, who say they haven't got a colour
:05:10. > :05:14.photocopier. Average spend per household increased to �483.60 a
:05:14. > :05:19.week, according to the Independent. �64 of that is spent on culture,
:05:19. > :05:22.gambling, going to football matches and satellite TV. Who has been
:05:22. > :05:26.trying to ingratiate themselves with the Exchequer this week?
:05:26. > :05:33.Starbucks. Yes. They say they're going to pay some tax. It is
:05:33. > :05:36.incredibly good of them. Yes. Consumers also shunned Starbucks
:05:36. > :05:40.and now they have had a think and they are going to pay some tax.
:05:40. > :05:44.They had one of those blinding moments of conscience, way you
:05:44. > :05:51.thought I will lose money unless I give in. It is an ethical minefield
:05:51. > :05:55.if you get things wrong. An ethical minefield? I thought... I thought
:05:55. > :05:59.mine fields were unethical? No, it is increasingly difficult this
:05:59. > :06:03.Christmas if you are meant to be good about things, not going to
:06:03. > :06:08.Starbucks, not using Amazon or Google, what to do for Christmas.
:06:08. > :06:17.So this year... Oh no I suggest a subscription to a popular
:06:17. > :06:22.fortnightly magazine?? APPLAUSE I went to Starbucks to purchase
:06:22. > :06:26.something and use the toilet. have to go places I never thought I
:06:26. > :06:29.would go go to the toilet. Have you thought about having a toilet
:06:29. > :06:35.fitted in your own home? There was no let-up for people on benefits
:06:35. > :06:39.either. They are getting a 1% rise before inflation, so to the 2% cut.
:06:39. > :06:43.But it sounds nice. Do you remember what was born said about people on
:06:43. > :06:47.benefits at the party conference in October? The skivers, not the
:06:47. > :06:53.drivers. It is better than what he said. He said, the unemployed will
:06:53. > :06:59.not be able to sit around at home with the blind draw. How will any
:06:59. > :07:04.comedy get written? The proper blinds, they have to be drawn.
:07:04. > :07:09.Finally, what did David Cameron do on the doorstep of Downing Street
:07:09. > :07:15.geer has all up this week? What he'd seen delivering his own milk?
:07:15. > :07:19.What is that a euphemism for? did he do? He announced Christmas
:07:19. > :07:24.was early this year, brought out the bunting, clicked his heels in
:07:24. > :07:28.the air? He did bring out the bunting, in a way. He turned on the
:07:28. > :07:32.Christmas lights. Lovely. In his own house.
:07:32. > :07:42.Outside his own house, in his own private street surrounded by
:07:42. > :07:42.
:07:42. > :07:52.security guards. Let's have a look. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six...
:07:52. > :07:53.
:07:53. > :07:58.CROWD CHANTS. CHEERING. It is not the Olympic opening
:07:58. > :08:02.ceremony all over again, is it? is not very encouraging fat our
:08:02. > :08:05.energy policy, is it? But the entertainment did not end there.
:08:05. > :08:15.Here are some people from the The X-Factor, going to sing Silent
:08:15. > :08:19.
:08:19. > :08:28.Night. # Holy infant so tender and mild. #. # Sleeping Heavenly Peace,
:08:28. > :08:33.sleep in Heavenly Peace #. They must be from a foreign country,
:08:33. > :08:40.because I understood that Britain has got talent. It is one of the
:08:40. > :08:44.most disgusting things I have ever seen. APPLAUSE. So, yes, this is
:08:44. > :08:48.George Osborne's Autumn Statement, that the number of panels we have
:08:48. > :08:52.available to negotiate this particular Creek has been revised
:08:52. > :08:56.downwards to none. The Chancellor announced a plan to target super
:08:56. > :09:03.rich tax evaders. If you want to go online to find out who the super-
:09:03. > :09:06.rich tax avoiders are, just go to Googled and it is them! LAUGHTER.
:09:06. > :09:10.Of course the more we are not the only country taking austerity
:09:10. > :09:14.measures. According to the BBC News website, America will soon be
:09:14. > :09:19.facing a fiscal cliff. Oh, lord, he hasn't brought out another
:09:19. > :09:23.Christmas single, has he? Also this week, it was revealed that the
:09:23. > :09:27.owner of a winning lottery ticket worth �64 million has not come
:09:27. > :09:31.forward. The ticket was bought in Stevenage or Hitchin, so if you
:09:31. > :09:39.were watching in either of those two towns, the numbers are five, 11,
:09:39. > :09:49.22, 34, 40, and Lucky Star numbers nine and 11. Oh, one other thing,
:09:49. > :09:52.
:09:52. > :09:57.the deadline to claim has passed. Soaped around two, the one-armed
:09:57. > :10:07.bandit of news. -- soap to round two. Fingers on buzzers, here it is
:10:07. > :10:09.
:10:09. > :10:14.It is a dog on a motorised scooter. If by that you mean this is the
:10:14. > :10:24.news that dogs can drive... Yes. Then you are right. Yes, that is
:10:24. > :10:41.
:10:41. > :10:47.what I said. Shall we have a look Has the RSPCA been informed? The
:10:47. > :10:50.dog has clearly been stapled to the driving seat. When the see another
:10:50. > :10:55.doctor passing by, will they have a tendency to sniff each other's
:10:55. > :11:01.exhaust? Maybe that will solve the economy, if we swap with docks.
:11:01. > :11:05.Make them work. They can work out the budget. We can have a crap in
:11:05. > :11:15.the park and it is their problem. Clear up, mate. Fingers on buzzers,
:11:15. > :11:20.
:11:20. > :11:26.Addis Tim Young on. -- Kim Jong-un. He has -- it is, yes. He has turned
:11:26. > :11:30.into a unicorn. It is a peculiar ball at the back, it looks like a
:11:30. > :11:35.tube inserted, where a jet of hot air keeps upping Borg -- ping pong
:11:35. > :11:40.in place. It is the news that a unicorn lair has been discovered in
:11:40. > :11:45.North Korea. This is according to the Korean Central News Agency. In
:11:45. > :11:50.terms of reliability, the other Phillip Schofield of the Orient.
:11:50. > :11:55.They say they have discovered a uniform -- a unicorn's lair. How do
:11:55. > :12:05.they know it is the Unicorn's lair and not someone else's lair? Is it
:12:05. > :12:11.a mare, or... How you spell it? air of Unicorn. It is a rectangular
:12:11. > :12:16.rock with the words Unicorn's Blair standing in front of the lair. That
:12:16. > :12:20.is how you know. It was labelled, clearly labelled. Apart from
:12:20. > :12:25.inventing unicorns, what else is North Korea inventing? Weaponry.
:12:25. > :12:27.Yes, it is planning to launch a scary new rocket. In the British
:12:27. > :12:30.press it was reported very different league. The Independent
:12:31. > :12:36.went with North Korea raises tension with a rocket. The
:12:36. > :12:46.Telegraph had a North Korean rocket plan raises concern in China. The
:12:46. > :12:46.
:12:46. > :12:50.Sun, will world end Bangnam Style? The man threatening the world with
:12:50. > :13:00.nuclear Armageddon is, like his father, notoriously short, so here
:13:00. > :13:08.
:13:08. > :13:12.we are, facing a Cuban heels I think this is Lord Leveson. There
:13:12. > :13:18.was something in the report that came from Wikipedia, and they
:13:18. > :13:23.hadn't checked the source. They had a completely fictitious person.
:13:23. > :13:28.is quite embarrassing when you have done 200 million words about
:13:29. > :13:36.checking the of fact and standards of Aquos is a -- accuracy, to quote
:13:36. > :13:41.from Wikipedia and get it wrong. That is quite amusing. The guy was
:13:41. > :13:51.only ever in Wikipedia because his friend put him in all sorts of
:13:51. > :13:51.
:13:51. > :13:57.entries. His name was Brett Straub. And Lord Leveson cut and pasted
:13:57. > :14:07.this into the report, so it is there. And so all the people who
:14:07. > :14:15.
:14:15. > :14:24.have said, we have got to have led These are the three founders, there
:14:24. > :14:31.is Brett Straub. This is the fall- out from the nervous and report. --
:14:31. > :14:35.the Levison report. You would have thought that he would have learned
:14:35. > :14:45.to be more thorough from his years as a detective in Chicago during
:14:45. > :15:00.
:15:00. > :15:05.the prohibition era. At least, It is something to do with how
:15:05. > :15:09.women can tell when men are unfaithful. According to a new
:15:09. > :15:14.study, women can tell if a man has been unfaithful just by looking at
:15:14. > :15:21.the shape of his face. Can you explain this rhomboid look,
:15:21. > :15:31.Malcolm? So if they have been with someone they shouldn't be, they
:15:31. > :15:32.
:15:32. > :15:36.come out and suddenly they have... Signs that a fellow could be prone
:15:36. > :15:41.to cheating include classic masculine features, such as a white
:15:41. > :15:46.angular jaw, a square chin and a prominent brow. If so, if you are a
:15:46. > :15:53.man, then? Another study claims to have debunked a popular myth about
:15:53. > :15:57.men and women this week. That they get on! According to the Telegraph,
:15:57. > :16:03.men, despite their reputation for ogling, a far more likely to
:16:03. > :16:09.concentrate on a woman's face. It is women who give their arrival's
:16:09. > :16:16.bodies are good once-over. This has been scientifically proven by a
:16:16. > :16:19.study, apparently women look at a man and look at their... Area. They
:16:19. > :16:29.automatically look at it to see whether or not it will do the
:16:29. > :16:35.
:16:35. > :16:41.business. Can you tell that through I met a bloke who had the square
:16:41. > :16:45.jaw and looked all right, body image. I didn't have feel, but I
:16:45. > :16:55.looked and felt reasonably confident that I was going to get
:16:55. > :16:55.
:16:56. > :16:59.some exciting action. Janet, I'm reasonably confident! I was be
:16:59. > :17:03.reasonably confident that the evening would end up with something
:17:03. > :17:13.worth spending time with. Button mushroom. The least you had
:17:13. > :17:22.
:17:22. > :17:28.Have we been recording so long, it has turned into Loose Women? Felix
:17:28. > :17:36.Mercer Mos, a computer science PhD student, has suggested that women
:17:36. > :17:46.Ogle women more than men do. At the end of this round, both teams have
:17:46. > :17:53.
:17:53. > :18:02.Time now for the Odd One Out around. Bill Nighy, Jonathan Edwards, Lasha
:18:02. > :18:10.Pataraya air and Wales. Jonathan Edwards is the odd one out because
:18:10. > :18:16.he went to seek his fortune in London. The man on the bottom left
:18:16. > :18:23.is pulling that truck with his ears. The whale hasn't got any years.
:18:23. > :18:32.Bill Nighy's ears are wonky, that is why his glasses don't fit.
:18:32. > :18:36.have all got to areas. One of them is a while! That does work. Can you
:18:36. > :18:39.pick which one. The guy on the bottom left is the odd one out
:18:40. > :18:48.because he has been given his own Channel 5 series where he pulls
:18:48. > :18:54.things with his ears. Right answer, wrong reason. If a Channel 4
:18:54. > :18:58.series! They have all gone to extreme lengths to protect their
:18:58. > :19:05.ears apart from Lasha Pataraya who used his ear to toe and eight ton
:19:05. > :19:13.truck. Here he is afterwards. Bill Nighy needed medical treatment for
:19:13. > :19:21.his ears after using loo roll. He used makeshift earplugs to block
:19:21. > :19:25.out the sound of a nightclub while staying in a hotel, and when he
:19:25. > :19:29.were Cup, he could only find one. Scientists have discovered the
:19:29. > :19:34.Wales can think decrease the sensitivity of their hearing to cut
:19:34. > :19:43.the impact of loud noise. They react slower to a Japanese harpoon
:19:43. > :19:50.this showboating, "There's one!" This is a party of people who have
:19:50. > :20:00.stood on that prize specifically to spot whales, and the Wailers behind
:20:00. > :20:08.
:20:08. > :20:13.them. It is fantastic. They are They are standing there going, this
:20:13. > :20:20.is so boring. We are never going to see anything. Did you hear a
:20:20. > :20:23.splash? They have all gone to explain --
:20:23. > :20:26.extreme lengths to protect their ears apart from Lasha Pataraya who
:20:26. > :20:31.used to want a pollock truck. He is waiting to hear from the Guinness
:20:31. > :20:35.Book of Records. They are probably phoning him every day! According to
:20:35. > :20:39.the Daily Star, during the London Olympics, Jonathan Edwards used
:20:39. > :20:43.condoms as earplugs to drown out noisy neighbours. When the story
:20:43. > :20:53.came out, he was teased mercilessly, much to the amusement of his fellow
:20:53. > :20:54.
:20:54. > :20:58.Olympians. He was ribbed for their There is no sensible reason for
:20:58. > :21:08.sticking condoms in your ears unless you are trying to prevent
:21:08. > :21:08.
:21:08. > :21:12.the spread of hearing aids. Time now for the Missing Words round. It
:21:12. > :21:22.features as this week's guest publication, Badger News. It's a
:21:22. > :21:37.
:21:37. > :21:43.Hungry, cold and Paris to double by chair. What about the Scouts?
:21:43. > :21:47.is an item in Badger News, the same article goes on to describe a
:21:47. > :21:57.second incident. Another surprised patient for the hospital was an
:21:57. > :22:07.injured badger hit by car being No wonder there is so much bloody
:22:07. > :22:15.
:22:15. > :22:23.I have seen this run on a toilet wall - press one for pleasure, but
:22:23. > :22:33.that is just Scottish services for you. Is this the National Health
:22:33. > :22:35.
:22:35. > :22:38.Service? It a hotline set up for the growing demand of exorcism. If
:22:38. > :22:44.you're a parent worrying if your child is possessed by a demon,
:22:44. > :22:53.there is a simple way of finding out. They are not. Next, the Pope
:22:53. > :23:03.takes... What? To Twitter. anybody is in a position to tweed
:23:03. > :23:05.
:23:05. > :23:15.the name of a paedophile, it is him. Next, what... Say sorry to Dr Roger
:23:15. > :23:20.
:23:20. > :23:30.Munt? His parents! It is a badger one. The answer is BMX lads. This
:23:30. > :23:33.is a report from Badger News of BMX riders disturbing badgers. The boys
:23:33. > :23:43.apologised for the crude, abusive word they shouted at him, which
:23:43. > :23:50.
:23:50. > :23:58.Next, lights out and I'm or... Of what? Faced with a button mushroom!
:23:58. > :24:08.Lights out, and I'm all yours. Next, BBC what was both shallow and
:24:08. > :24:18.
:24:18. > :24:25.amateurish? Coverage of non- BBC item on badgers. This is an
:24:25. > :24:30.item from BBC One's Country File. It was addressed to Mark Thomson,
:24:30. > :24:35.so only three Director Generals ago! And finally, Nigella Lawson's:
:24:36. > :24:45.I just... What? She said she loses weight by running a treadmill in
:24:46. > :24:48.
:24:48. > :24:53.her house with headphones on. said, I ran in just my bra and
:24:53. > :25:02.trainers. So, coming soon, an exercise DVD that both mums and
:25:02. > :25:11.dads can enjoy. So, the final scores are them. Ian and Susan have
:25:11. > :25:13.five points, but Paul and Janet On which note, we say thank you to
:25:13. > :25:20.our panellists, Ian Hislop and Susan Calman, Paul Merton and Janet
:25:20. > :25:26.Street-Porter. And I leave you with news that in Tirana, Albania's
:25:26. > :25:32.In Athens, despite the bank refusing to let her withdraw her
:25:32. > :25:35.savings, one Greek pensioner just With a new baby set to trouble the
:25:35. > :25:41.Royal finances, the Queen prepares to meet her subjects from the
:25:41. > :25:43.balcony of the new Buckingham Palace. In Mumbai, it's revealed
:25:43. > :25:46.that David Cameron personally approved the budget for Boris