:01:18. > :01:24.Round the back of a beauticians in Knightsbridge, there is evidence
:01:24. > :01:34.that Rebekah Brooks celebrated her multimillion pound pay-off with a
:01:34. > :01:35.
:01:35. > :01:39.bikini wax! With Ian tonight is co-presenter of
:01:39. > :01:45.the quiz show, Pointless, where the aim is to score as few points as
:01:45. > :01:50.possible, at last, a show Ian could win. Please welcome, Richard Osman.
:01:51. > :01:57.Thank you. And with Paul, is a comedian and
:01:57. > :02:02.actor who stars in the BAFTA- winning sitcom, Rev, but he's still
:02:02. > :02:08.happy to do jobs like this for the money, so he's a vicar and a tart,
:02:09. > :02:15.please welcome miles. We start with the bigger stories of
:02:15. > :02:24.the week, Paul and Miles, take a look at this. Yes, take a look,
:02:24. > :02:29.this is the Boris. Wedding in Vegas. There is a man alone. Not alone for
:02:29. > :02:33.long. This is a story about whether gay people are human beings or not,
:02:33. > :02:37.if they are, they have equal rights, and if they are not, they can't.
:02:37. > :02:44.This is about the row about legaliseing gay marriage, which
:02:44. > :02:47.threatens to rend the Tory Party assunder, so who's behind it?
:02:47. > :02:55.is quite a question with the Tory backbenchers. Ignoring the answer
:02:55. > :03:00.would fill up a lesser show, I would say, I don't know who is?
:03:01. > :03:07.is Cameron-Clegg. A gay married couple. And What is the story MP
:03:07. > :03:12.Peter Bone's big problem? His name! He's against it? Yes. It's also
:03:12. > :03:15.that he's protesting that neither the Tories, Labour or the Liberal
:03:15. > :03:20.Democrats even mentioned legaliseing gay marriage in their
:03:20. > :03:26.manifestos. I know it is childish, but every time David Cameron says
:03:26. > :03:31.on gay marriage, he has a mandate, it makes me laugh! What was the
:03:31. > :03:33.compromised position the Government have worked out? You can't ask
:03:34. > :03:37.these questions. They can get married in church, but they have to
:03:37. > :03:41.keep the lights off so people can't see them. The church that is don't
:03:42. > :03:45.want to do it, don't have to, that is the compromise, it seems they
:03:45. > :03:49.have come up with a solution that pleases no-one. They have also
:03:49. > :03:56.changed the Eqality Act, so you can't sue a vicar for not marrying
:03:56. > :04:02.a gay couple. You can't sue a vicar, you can manage them running around
:04:02. > :04:11.going "can't sue a vicar". Do you all act them as camp. I have four
:04:11. > :04:14.or five repertoires in with vicars, one unbelievably butch. One David
:04:14. > :04:21.Davies, opposed to gay marriage, said most people wouldn't want gay
:04:21. > :04:27.children, how did he prove he didn't homophobic? He once hit a
:04:27. > :04:32.gay man in a boxing ring. Can you remember his name? The Pink Pounder,
:04:32. > :04:41.he punched out a gay man, so he's not homophobic, that is how we know.
:04:41. > :04:43.Took some punishment in the ring I expect! I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
:04:43. > :04:48.APPLAUSE So why has the Government raised
:04:48. > :04:51.this issue now? It's happening now, because Cameron and his wife, they
:04:51. > :04:57.looked at their mantle piece, and they thought, we used to have loads
:04:57. > :05:02.of wedding invitation, and everyone which know is already married or
:05:02. > :05:05.awaiting sentence. I think the real reason he's doing it, it is
:05:05. > :05:10.distracting, it is like being in America, you do politics about
:05:10. > :05:15.things that aren't happening. make us stop thinking about the
:05:15. > :05:20.economic shit pit of a situation we have. Is that a technical term or
:05:20. > :05:24.Welsh, shit pit! Meanwhile, what has the Government not been doing
:05:24. > :05:28.while the gay marriage row has being gone on, apart from not
:05:28. > :05:33.looking at the economy properly. The census? No, responding to the
:05:33. > :05:36.Leveson Report, after Cameron told the newspaper editors off, and
:05:36. > :05:40.demanded they come up with some ideas are regulating themselves,
:05:40. > :05:44.what did the editors do, they went off and had a big lunch. Were you
:05:44. > :05:52.invited today this big blow out? funny that, isn't it. I was there,
:05:52. > :05:56.you were there as well? Yeah, yeah. It was fun, it was good. Weren't
:05:56. > :05:59.you really annoyed? No, I didn't care at all. I gave my evidence to
:05:59. > :06:04.Leveson, I have said the same thing all the way through, they know what
:06:04. > :06:10.I think. Private Eye was not criticised in the Leveson Report,
:06:10. > :06:13.in fact, he was quite kind! you're not interested enough in
:06:13. > :06:21.wider journalism only your own interests? Of course, don't be
:06:21. > :06:25.stupid. But Leveson has got interesting. Because, (drum roll on
:06:25. > :06:31.table) Our party would have been amazing if someone had come along
:06:31. > :06:41.and done that. Was that Gangnam Style, very close, you know that.
:06:41. > :06:42.
:06:42. > :06:44.Yes, I know Gangnam Style, who am I kidding! So why has it become very
:06:44. > :06:48.interesting? It's become interesting because the Telegraph
:06:48. > :06:52.had a Tory about the culture secretary, and her expenses. Maria
:06:52. > :06:56.Miller? She's been claiming rent, on this house where her parents
:06:56. > :07:01.live. You are not really allowed to do this, when other MPs did it,
:07:01. > :07:05.they got fairly violently criticised. But she's the culture
:07:05. > :07:10.skerbgts-to-so the Telegraph rang her up and said we have this story
:07:10. > :07:13.with expenses on your house. And her aide said that the Culture
:07:13. > :07:17.Secretary is looking at the Leveson Report, and then they did it again.
:07:17. > :07:21.They rang the Prime Minister's office, and again, his
:07:21. > :07:25.communications bloke said, I should warn you that Maria Miller is
:07:25. > :07:30.looking at Leveson. So there was a bit of a threat, that if you do
:07:30. > :07:35.this sort of journalistic thing of pointing out where we're fiddling
:07:35. > :07:38.expense, we might crack down on you. And introduce a law. They said it
:07:38. > :07:42.wasn't a threat, they mentioned Leveson, in the way the frightening
:07:42. > :07:46.man in the pub might mention the quality of hospital food! We should
:07:46. > :07:50.point out that Maria Miller was claiming expenses on her second
:07:50. > :07:55.home, and denies any wrongdoing? How stupid of anyone to never there
:07:55. > :07:59.was something dodgy in it. I think she should be exonerated. Is that
:08:00. > :08:02.the word I mean, what is it when they tie you up and put electricity
:08:03. > :08:06.to you through you. There is a fantastic bit of evidence in the
:08:06. > :08:10.Leveson Report, I have to bring this up, involving Charlotte. It is
:08:10. > :08:16.about when you sung at Rupert Murdochh's wedding, and the request
:08:16. > :08:20.came through for you to pi Pie Jesu. Which is from Faure Requiem, you
:08:20. > :08:24.pointed out this was a funeral Director General, you say in your
:08:24. > :08:34.evidence you have no idea why. I know, because the party was
:08:34. > :08:35.
:08:35. > :08:40.organised by his young wife! did it go down, were you a storm on
:08:40. > :08:44.the yacht? Yes, apart from Pie Jesu. What did we learn from marriage
:08:44. > :08:49.from the 2011 census? It is not as popular. Less people getting
:08:49. > :08:52.married, apart from Polish people. Less than half of the UK population
:08:52. > :08:57.bother with it? That is literally just the women, that is the weird
:08:57. > :09:03.thing, that is what they can't work out! So what did we learn about the
:09:03. > :09:10.ethnic mix of the UK? It's changed? Yes. Which is reflected by the
:09:10. > :09:15.panel tonight! Apparently it is changing fast, white people are now
:09:15. > :09:19.in a minority in London be in the population. White British, white
:09:19. > :09:23.people general are still in the majority because of the Polish and
:09:23. > :09:29.Ukrainians. Whereabouts in the population is 95% white British?
:09:29. > :09:35.Wales! Quite right, but we do love strangers, honest! It's true.
:09:35. > :09:45.all the Celtic fringes, Scotland, Wales, the West Country, mostly
:09:45. > :09:48.
:09:48. > :09:53.white. Still. That sound like a racist weather forecast! Dark
:09:53. > :10:00.clouds coming over! Now, it is only a couple of weeks until Christmas.
:10:00. > :10:04.But where wasn't Jesus welcome this week? In a dance tournament? In a
:10:04. > :10:08.darts tournament. Jesus turned up, and unfortunately, lots of people
:10:08. > :10:13.were quite drunk, so Jesus, instead of spreading the word was escorted
:10:13. > :10:19.out of the building by security guards. Did you say he wasn't
:10:19. > :10:25.actually Jesus? He was Jesus. did I miss the second coming?
:10:25. > :10:28.You're not interested in darts. was actually at the Cash Converters
:10:28. > :10:38.Darts Championship, final at Butlins in Minehead. I think we
:10:38. > :10:46.
:10:46. > :10:50.should have a look at it. (crowd boos) (they chant Jesus)!
:10:50. > :10:55.The trouble s before he turned up, they were drinking water. I would
:10:55. > :10:59.be pretty happy to lose my deposit on a holiday there. Speaking of
:10:59. > :11:05.premier events in the social calendar, which musical opened this
:11:05. > :11:12.week? Viva Forever, the Spice Girls musical. That is right. The
:11:12. > :11:20.Telegraph gave the musical a scathing review, "twaudy, lazy,
:11:20. > :11:25.unedifying, and fatuous" were all unavailable for comment.
:11:25. > :11:33.If anyone can name me five Spice Girls hits I will give you an extra
:11:33. > :11:40.point? I will name ten for two points. Wannabe, Say you'll Be
:11:40. > :11:50.There, mamma. Pie Jesu. One minute, one minute.
:11:50. > :11:54.
:11:54. > :12:04.Mamma, Viva Forever, Stop, Goodbye, ...Did It have a little more?
:12:04. > :12:09.Too Much. That's nine? Holla! was incredible.
:12:09. > :12:14.Did you ever do anything where you think, why did I do that? This show
:12:14. > :12:22.really deserves to be on at 5.5! How do you know that, you are not
:12:22. > :12:29.one of them. I'm Lofty Spice! Was it recently a
:12:29. > :12:33.question on your show? Yes, let's say it was! Do you have a younger
:12:33. > :12:39.sister who bought these records when they first came out. Let's say
:12:39. > :12:42.both those things are true. Did she play them all the time? Did she
:12:42. > :12:52.ever! This is the latest proposals for gay marriage, according to a
:12:52. > :12:56.
:12:56. > :13:00., yes I have been to a few gay club, and that's not going to be a
:13:00. > :13:04.problem. This week, David Davies the Tory MP for Monmouth claimed
:13:04. > :13:08.most parents would prefer their children not to be gay. I don't
:13:08. > :13:13.mind if my kids turn out to be gay, just as long as they don't turn out
:13:13. > :13:21.to be Tory MPs. Ian and Richard, take a look at this.
:13:21. > :13:27.Berlusconi is back. Like a bald sex-starved, sex-craved terminator.
:13:27. > :13:31.I like that, that looks like a party-and-a-half. Is that the Darts
:13:31. > :13:39.at Minehead. That is the EU Nobel Prize, they are playing the EU
:13:39. > :13:43.anthem, and we can't hear it. think they may be plying Spice Up
:13:43. > :13:47.Your Life, that got to number one, I think it was November, I don't go
:13:47. > :13:50.that deep! I bet you do! Silvio Berlusconi is back, he has
:13:50. > :13:54.withdrawn his support from Mario Monti in Italy, so they are going
:13:54. > :13:58.to have to hold another election. It is political chaos in Italy.
:13:58. > :14:03.This is how democracy works in Europe, Mario Monti wasn't elected,
:14:03. > :14:08.he's the person the Germans want, and the public wanted Berlusconi,
:14:08. > :14:13.but sadly, he had had a number of issues, as we say. Most of them
:14:13. > :14:19.about 17! Absolutely. What does Berlusconi say motivated him to
:14:19. > :14:24.come out of retirement? He has a new girlfriend, he has, she's 27.
:14:24. > :14:29.Incredibly old. She's been behind him, she ran a campaign, saying
:14:29. > :14:32."Come back Berlusconi". He said he couldn't find a suitable
:14:32. > :14:35.replacement, and he's running to win, and doing it out of a sense of
:14:35. > :14:41.responsibility. Always worth reminding ourselves with the
:14:41. > :14:45.contrast of what he was saying just before he left office in 2011.
:14:45. > :14:48."I'm leaving this shitty country which I'm sick of". He has another
:14:48. > :14:52.incentive to be Prime Minister, if you are Prime Minister they can't
:14:52. > :14:56.prosecute you for corruption. And you can bring in laws that say, you
:14:56. > :14:59.can't be prosecuted. It is quite in his interests to be Prime Minister
:14:59. > :15:07.at this particular time. So he's involved in two trials, somebody
:15:07. > :15:17.failed to turn up in court, which was Ruby the Heart Stealer, he's
:15:17. > :15:18.
:15:18. > :15:22.the 17-year-old who he was said to have bunga bungaed. She's at
:15:22. > :15:27.college for further education. She's at Ian's. Her lawyer said he
:15:27. > :15:32.had no idea where she was, she sent a text saying she was abroad. Is
:15:32. > :15:42.the dirty old bastard, sorry...Dirty Old. He's sitting
:15:42. > :15:42.
:15:42. > :15:48.right here! I mean the respected international statesman, is he
:15:48. > :15:51.likely to win? Definitely. He could win, he's a long way behind in the
:15:51. > :15:56.polls, Berlusconi. In other European news, what did Nick Clegg
:15:56. > :16:01.pick up this week? The Nobel Prize, he was there, everybody sent their
:16:01. > :16:09.top people, Angela Merkels was there from Germany, Dominic
:16:09. > :16:17.Hollande from France. Not Dominic Hollande, I think you mean Francois
:16:17. > :16:21.Hollande? He's a comedian. Dominic Holland, did he go. Yeah. He's
:16:21. > :16:27.funny. He was the warm-up. What did Cameron compare his approach to
:16:27. > :16:31.Europe to, think about Sting, what's he famous for? Leaves the
:16:31. > :16:41.Police! Tantric sex, but it can't be that. It is. He compared it to
:16:41. > :16:47.
:16:47. > :16:52.Are you sure it wasn't cannot trick yoga, it is not always sex. What
:16:52. > :16:56.about the last line, how do you explain that, then, Ian? Yes, how
:16:56. > :17:03.do you explain that? Do you really expect the court to believe this
:17:03. > :17:07.tissue of lies! Send him down! Don't, I'm having a flashback!
:17:07. > :17:14.is the possible return to Italian politics for Silvio Berlusconi, who
:17:14. > :17:18.has come back from the grave more often than Yasser Arafat.
:17:18. > :17:22.Also this week, the EU picked up the Nobel Peace Prize, according to
:17:22. > :17:28.the chairman of the prize committee, Europe is now "a continent of
:17:28. > :17:33.peace". Now there's a man who has never been to Magaluf.
:17:33. > :17:40.And so to round two, the strengthometer of news, fingers on
:17:40. > :17:44.buzzers, teams, here is the first one.
:17:44. > :17:48.Yes, this is the, they are building a long-range missile, I don't know
:17:48. > :17:51.if it can reach London. But we seem to be happy to make jokes about it
:17:51. > :17:57.at the moment. This is the news that North Korea has launched a
:17:57. > :18:07.rocket. Shall we see the retrained manner in which the imBarings north
:18:07. > :18:08.
:18:08. > :18:12.Korean broadcaster announced the What have the north Koreans claimed
:18:12. > :18:16.the rocket is for? Launching a communication satellite, as
:18:16. > :18:24.pioneered by Arthur C Clarke in the 1940s. Do you have any idea what it
:18:24. > :18:29.was called? Barry, Barry Watson. was actually called qauingqauing.
:18:29. > :18:35.That's Korean for Barry Watson -- Kwangmyongson-3. It's Korean for
:18:35. > :18:41.Barry Watson. What caused a stir in Sudan this week? A human canon ball.
:18:41. > :18:45.It was an Israeli vulture, which was captured by Sudanese officials,
:18:45. > :18:52.on suspicion that the bird was spying and a secret agent. Any idea
:18:52. > :19:01.what his code name is? The cull -- vulture? He has a code name? Then
:19:01. > :19:07.he probably is a spy. It's Barry Watson! He's actually known as PP 0.
:19:07. > :19:10.277. I was going to say that! is the preamble to world war three,
:19:10. > :19:16.Kim Jong Un insists it is part of the space programme, the next stage
:19:16. > :19:20.is to send a dog into space. If all goes well, the north Korean
:19:20. > :19:26.scientists hope it will crisp up nicely on re-entry. Fingers on
:19:26. > :19:31.buzzers teams, here is the next one. This monkey went to IKEA, he
:19:31. > :19:36.doesn't look happy. Look at hi coat. This was a monkey wearing a jacket,
:19:36. > :19:43.who wandered into a branch of IKEA in Toronto this week. Do you know
:19:43. > :19:48.what he has been called? Barry Watson. I think it is Darwin.
:19:48. > :19:57.Darwin! Who did the Sun compare Darwin to? He looks like John
:19:57. > :20:00.Motson, is it him. Liam Gallagher! I'm not sure who should be
:20:00. > :20:08.consulting their lawyers first. did he get there? His brother was
:20:08. > :20:14.in band first of all, and then he went in there.
:20:14. > :20:18.He was in the back of a car. Yeah, he escaped. His owner is a lady
:20:18. > :20:22.called Yasmin Nakhuda, who is trying to get the monkey back. As
:20:22. > :20:29.according to her, she has mothered him for the past five months. They
:20:29. > :20:38.did everything together. I hope they didn't get up to any
:20:38. > :20:43.Monkey Business, because that is how AIDS started! What a surprising
:20:43. > :20:53.turn the evening has taken. finally, what did this man do to
:20:53. > :21:00.
:21:00. > :21:04.save the police a job? His genitals light up! Alternately. Was he
:21:04. > :21:08.having a secret affair with a passenger in the back of the van.
:21:08. > :21:13.And she is strapped to the roof inside? No. And her husband is
:21:13. > :21:18.driving and he doesn't have a rear view mirror and he don't know what
:21:18. > :21:22.was going on, he's just looking for sweets. He stopped this car.
:21:22. > :21:27.stopped this car? Which was speeding, burglaring. He spotted
:21:27. > :21:31.two thieves breaking into this van in Paris, he ran after them and
:21:31. > :21:37.managed to jump on, he accosted one of the thieves and one ran off.
:21:37. > :21:40.what point did he lose his trousers? Apparently he saw the
:21:40. > :21:47.thieves from his hotel room, and didn't have time to put his
:21:47. > :21:51.trousers on? Why would you wear trousers in the hotel. Pay for the
:21:51. > :21:57.room, BEEPing-ing take them off. That is what the trouser press is
:21:57. > :22:05.for. Time for the odd one out round. Your four are Roger Daltrey, Mel
:22:05. > :22:11.Blank, Michelle Obama, and Ed Balls. Stutters, stammers, Roger Daltrey
:22:11. > :22:17.and Mel Blank pretended to have stutters, for professional reasons.
:22:17. > :22:23.Maybe Zoe Ball pretented, and the only -- Ed Balls pretended, and
:22:23. > :22:29.Michelle did have one and was cured. They have all put on fake stammer,
:22:29. > :22:36.except Ed Balls, who blamed his poor performance in the Commons on
:22:36. > :22:46.his stammer. Mel Blank voiced Porky Pig, how would that stammer go?
:22:46. > :22:47.
:22:47. > :22:52.would start, he would go P-p-p-p-p- pepperoni. He wouldn't say that
:22:52. > :22:58.because that would be his cousin. Did Ed Balls go on the X Factor,
:22:58. > :23:08.did you see him. They read out one of his tweets, he wasn't there. He
:23:08. > :23:15.
:23:15. > :23:22.had written! Didn't he tweet about his tweet being shouted out.
:23:22. > :23:29.sweeted Nicole Scherzinger. Ed, do you think you could concentrate on
:23:29. > :23:37.the BEEP-ing economy? What is the song of 2012? Crikey I don't know?
:23:37. > :23:41.It could be Call Me Maybe. It is definitely not. It is the �1 fish
:23:41. > :23:49.song. Couple of you. It's really funny, isn't it. Do you want to
:23:49. > :23:55.hear it? I would love to hear it. # Have, have, a look �1.
:23:55. > :23:59.# Very, very good �1 fish # Very, very cheap
:23:59. > :24:08.# �1 fish # Come on ladies two of fish
:24:08. > :24:14.# �1 each. That's awesome.
:24:14. > :24:18.I tell you what, Seal has aged badly. I think that's what he's
:24:18. > :24:28.selling. Yes, they have all put on fake stamers, except Ed Balls, who
:24:28. > :24:31.
:24:31. > :24:36.has a genuine one. Roger Daltrey statistic urd on My Generation, the
:24:36. > :24:41.BBC initially didn't want to play it because they didn't want to
:24:41. > :24:45.offend people who stutter, showing the moral vigilance that kept Top
:24:45. > :24:49.Of The Pops going in the 1970s. Time for the missing words round.
:24:49. > :24:53.This week features as a guest publication the Leveson Inquiry
:24:53. > :25:03.Report, it is a cracking read, I won't give away what happens in the
:25:03. > :25:06.
:25:06. > :25:16.end. I'm guessing, bugger all. With Organise a piss up in a
:25:16. > :25:23.brewery. Get his car pregnant! actually "iron his face".
:25:23. > :25:33.Here he is, we have a picture of him. He answered the iron thinking
:25:33. > :25:34.
:25:34. > :25:44.it was a phone. He thought it was a Wonderful Vietnamese cleaner but I
:25:44. > :25:52.have to let you go! Is it you're a politician. It is, that's exactly
:25:52. > :26:00.right. Height Hitler what? Heil Hitler
:26:00. > :26:07.tanned dory grill forced to close. Heil Hitler voted seventh-best
:26:07. > :26:17.catch phrase in history. wouldn't be hard to edit this with
:26:17. > :26:19.
:26:19. > :26:22.all of us take saying Heil Hitler and edit it. I can do the sand hand
:26:23. > :26:30.signals. Look at that light up there.
:26:30. > :26:35.This is about Lady Camoys a bisexual, Nazi-loving arice toe
:26:35. > :26:45.crate. Is she single. I will put in a good word for you. Next, Djokovic
:26:45. > :26:50.
:26:50. > :26:58.sends donkey what? Sends him a carrot. An ill-fitting dress.
:26:58. > :27:06.surreal than that? A well-fitting dress. Djokovic sends donkey cheese
:27:06. > :27:09.market wonky. If you are just going to pick words out a dictionary.
:27:09. > :27:13.This is a story that the world tennis number one, Novak Djokovic,
:27:13. > :27:20.has bought up all the world's supply of donkey cheese, make of
:27:20. > :27:27.that what you will. I would make maybe a souffle!
:27:27. > :27:37.would be a big souffle. So the final scores are, Paul and
:27:37. > :27:37.
:27:37. > :27:45.Miles have five, whilst Ian and Richard have nine. But, before we
:27:45. > :27:49.go, there is just time for the caption competition. Is it,
:27:49. > :27:54.excessive use of Viagra renders press-ups almost impossible.
:27:54. > :27:57.which note, we say thank you to our panellist, Ian Hislop and Richard
:27:57. > :28:00.Osman, Paul Merton and Miles Jupp, I leave you with news that in East
:28:00. > :28:10.London children are distracted while their primary school is
:28:10. > :28:10.
:28:10. > :28:18.closed down. In London, staff at HM Revenue &