0:00:25 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE
0:00:39 > 0:00:42A good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44I'm Brian Blessed.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Yes, it's me.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47LAUGHS
0:00:47 > 0:00:48I'm back again.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Now in the news this week as Silvio Berlusconi
0:00:51 > 0:00:53celebrates his latest election result,
0:00:53 > 0:00:57his campaign team call off the hunt for his missing mistress.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01LAUGHTER
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Richard Hammond arrives at A&E having driven an open top car
0:01:09 > 0:01:10under a low bridge.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12LAUGHTER
0:01:14 > 0:01:18And there's delight for Eric Pickles as his new toasting fork
0:01:18 > 0:01:19is finally delivered!
0:01:21 > 0:01:22LAUGHTER
0:01:24 > 0:01:28On Ian's team tonight, a left-wing politician who believes
0:01:28 > 0:01:31the state should pay for everything....
0:01:31 > 0:01:33except a ceremonial funeral.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Now please welcome the fantastic Ken Livingston.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39APPLAUSE
0:01:43 > 0:01:46And with Paul tonight is a comedian,
0:01:46 > 0:01:51who in a previous job worked as a greetings card packer in a factory.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54On her last day, she was given hundreds of leaving cards
0:01:54 > 0:01:58and told to pop them in the delivery van on her way out.
0:01:58 > 0:02:03Now please welcome the wonderful, gorgeous Bridget Christie.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04APPLAUSE
0:02:11 > 0:02:14And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Ian and Ken, take a look at this.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19There she is, swinging away.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21It's an old lady who's died this week.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Any thoughts, Ken?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25LAUGHTER
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Oh, look, she's burying you.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28LAUGHTER
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Oh, there we are - switching Britain on.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Well, you know, it's amazing, I haven't had an invite to the funeral yet,
0:02:35 > 0:02:36so I haven't been able to decline it.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38LAUGHTER
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Would you go?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42No, no. It would be a tad hypocritical
0:02:42 > 0:02:43given she abolished me...
0:02:43 > 0:02:45LAUGHTER
0:02:45 > 0:02:47..to turn up at her funeral.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50She's died and the BBC has been accused of bias.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54So luckily tonight it's rectified it by inviting Ken Livingston on.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56LAUGHTER
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Wednesday saw tributes in Parliament.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Anyone catch what Norman Lamont had to say?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03No. What did he have to say?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Don't you know, Paul?
0:03:06 > 0:03:07No, I don't.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Me and Norman fell out some time ago.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10LAUGHTER
0:03:10 > 0:03:11He said...
0:03:15 > 0:03:17What great judgement she had.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18LAUGHTER
0:03:18 > 0:03:20There was a succession of rather wet elderly men
0:03:20 > 0:03:24appearing on the tele saying, "She was awfully rude to us, you know?
0:03:24 > 0:03:25"And really horrid to Jeffery."
0:03:25 > 0:03:30When you say, "wet, elderly men" have they just been fished from the Thames for their...
0:03:30 > 0:03:32And there are some very elderly posh ones going,
0:03:32 > 0:03:34"God, I mean, she was a woman...
0:03:34 > 0:03:36LAUGHTER
0:03:36 > 0:03:40"Rather vulgar... probably middle class. Ghastly. Ghastly.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41"And a woman."
0:03:41 > 0:03:43There's been a lot of talk this week about the fact
0:03:43 > 0:03:45that she was a woman,
0:03:45 > 0:03:48but I mean, I knew all along.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50LAUGHTER
0:03:50 > 0:03:53We're sort of beyond gender, in a way.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54She had such conviction
0:03:54 > 0:03:58and such amazing confidence in herself
0:03:58 > 0:04:02that I think that whatever she'd been born,
0:04:02 > 0:04:04she wouldn't have thought that that was a hindrance.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Even if she'd been born a man...
0:04:07 > 0:04:11..or a goat, it wouldn't have stopped her.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15- You think she'd have been Britain's first goat Prime Minister? - Well, she would have been.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18And now we'd all be saying, "Against all odds, at a time
0:04:18 > 0:04:22"when it was inconceivable that a goat would have been elected as a
0:04:22 > 0:04:23"member of parliament..."
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I hardly think that she would have been against the Nanny State though.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28LAUGHTER
0:04:28 > 0:04:30APPLAUSE
0:04:32 > 0:04:34What did John Gummer have to say?
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Nothing interesting.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37LAUGHTER
0:04:37 > 0:04:38He said...
0:04:44 > 0:04:46LAUGHTER
0:04:46 > 0:04:48What? Walking and picking up things?
0:04:48 > 0:04:49LAUGHTER
0:04:49 > 0:04:54Did you also see the misunderstanding over a Twitter conversation called...
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Oh, yes.
0:04:55 > 0:05:00Which upset fans of the popular singer Cher, who thought she'd died.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Now that Cher's dead.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04LAUGHTER
0:05:07 > 0:05:10There were some errors on mainstream television also.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Did you see how the BBC announced the news?
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Yes, can we see it again?
0:05:14 > 0:05:15LAUGHTER
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Sorry to interrupt you there, just cos there's one more line,
0:05:18 > 0:05:21just as you were reading that, which has just come in from Lord Bell.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23He's been quoted saying,
0:05:23 > 0:05:25"It is with great sadness that Mark
0:05:25 > 0:05:28"and Carol Thatcher announced that their mother Baroness Thatcher
0:05:28 > 0:05:32"died peacefully following a strike this morning."
0:05:32 > 0:05:34LAUGHTER
0:05:39 > 0:05:44And Thailand's Channel Five showed a photo of Meryl Streep instead.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46LAUGHTER
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Here's another question.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Why weren't Thatcher's children there at the end?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Perhaps Mark was still on the run?
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Yes that's...
0:05:54 > 0:05:55LAUGHTER
0:05:55 > 0:05:59Actually, I was on paper review with Carol Thatcher the day...
0:05:59 > 0:06:01It was revealed in the papers that Mark Thatcher was
0:06:01 > 0:06:04a multi-millionaire. And she said, "I don't see how that can be.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06"He's never done a day's work in his life."
0:06:06 > 0:06:08LAUGHTER
0:06:08 > 0:06:10That's true. Keep it in.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11LAUGHTER
0:06:12 > 0:06:15That's all the lawyer needs to hear. "That's true.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17"Keep it in." That's what we should do.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- It was in the autobiography and he hasn't sued.- But no-one's read that.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21LAUGHTER
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- You're in it.- Am I?- Yeah. - Blimey.- Private eyes.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30It's when you said I had a secret Swiss bank account into which
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Gaddafi put 250,000.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- Did we get the figure wrong?- No...
0:06:34 > 0:06:35LAUGHTER
0:06:37 > 0:06:39APPLAUSE
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Well, I have to say they were abroad.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44What did Maggie once say about her son?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Did she only say something once about him?
0:06:46 > 0:06:48LAUGHTER
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Well, she said...
0:06:53 > 0:06:55But mainly just arms to nasty...
0:06:55 > 0:06:56LAUGHTER
0:06:58 > 0:06:59APPLAUSE
0:07:00 > 0:07:05Now how did the BBC expose their own lefty tendencies
0:07:05 > 0:07:07and their utter contempt for Thatcher's memory?
0:07:07 > 0:07:11They interviewed her enemies who said unpleasant things about her
0:07:11 > 0:07:13and then they interviewed her friends,
0:07:13 > 0:07:15most of whom also said unpleasant things about her.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19And now the BBC interviewed Gerry Adams. What did he say?
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Didn't he go on about how she supported a whole
0:07:23 > 0:07:26list of things he didn't approve of, basically.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Well, he said...
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Although not as much as all those bombs, eh, Jerry?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37All right, Jerry, any time, you pillock.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Straight between your gizzard.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42LAUGHTER
0:07:43 > 0:07:46I thought he politically moved on from issuing threats
0:07:46 > 0:07:49to former members of the IRA.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53The BBC also interviewed Maggie's biggest fan and disciple,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Tony Blair. Did you see his tribute? He said...
0:08:03 > 0:08:06He certainly changed the landscape of Baghdad.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07LAUGHTER
0:08:09 > 0:08:13I'm sorry, Tony. He had a heart operation.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15He had one put in?
0:08:15 > 0:08:16LAUGHTER
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Now, Lord Howe of Aberavon was asked was
0:08:23 > 0:08:27asked by Sky for his thoughts on his time in Thatcher's cabinet.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28He said...
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Yes, that's the idea when someone dies, Geoffrey.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37A bit of reminiscing about old stuff.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39COME ON, SHAPE UP!
0:08:40 > 0:08:43I think you were on safer ground attacking Geoffrey Howe
0:08:43 > 0:08:45than you were with Gerry Adams.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Did you hear about Julian Styles?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50According to the Mirror...
0:09:04 > 0:09:0830 years...without a job.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Pull your finger out, Julian, you lazy bastard!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16I'll kill you, you bastard.
0:09:19 > 0:09:24Let's abandon this show. Brian says, "Who wants a fight?"
0:09:26 > 0:09:31Line up in alphabetical order - Adams, you're first.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- The celebrations... - There has been...- Speak.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36There have been lunacy on both sides.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40The more conservative press has got very overexcited
0:09:40 > 0:09:43and there are plans to rename London Thatcher.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- Did you know that?- Port Stanley, I think.- And the statue.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Do you want her on the fourth plinth?
0:09:51 > 0:09:52When I became mayor I was told,
0:09:52 > 0:09:55because they were going, "What you going to do with it?"
0:09:55 > 0:09:58I said "It's reserved for Her Majesty when she dies."
0:09:58 > 0:10:01I'm not supposed to say that. They said, "You can't tell anyone".
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Rather than put the Queen up there we should have a statue,
0:10:04 > 0:10:06rather than actually put her up there.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08That would be a bit grisly.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10That's why they had all those temporary things
0:10:10 > 0:10:12They put her up there,
0:10:12 > 0:10:14there will be endless demos, people trying to pull it down.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17It will be just like the Saddam Hussein thing -
0:10:17 > 0:10:20people pulling it down with ropes.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24That and a ring of steel of Daily Mail readers guarding the flame.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25LAUGHTER
0:10:25 > 0:10:27The celebrations of Thatcher's death
0:10:27 > 0:10:30have been criticised by all sides, including Tony Blair.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Blair said this...
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Although philosophically speaking, he'd be dead.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45LAUGHTER
0:10:45 > 0:10:49If he believes in an afterlife, he'll be looking down on the celebrations.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50- Or looking up.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54APPLAUSE
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Margaret Thatcher is to have a ceremonial funeral.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02- What's it going to cost? - Ten million.- Absolutely right.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Between ten and 40 million.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06I don't understand this.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Look, when I was a kid, I used to make coffins.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13I left school at 14, love. I made hundreds of coffins.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I could do it cheaply. Only cost 25 quid.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18In those days, even though they weren't dead
0:11:18 > 0:11:21you punched them into the coffin - get down there.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Brian has just offered to do the whole thing for 25 quid,
0:11:24 > 0:11:26which has got to be the lowest bid.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I think it's out to tender, give it to Brian.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32The BBC News produced an artist's impression
0:11:32 > 0:11:35of what the funeral might look like.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37LAUGHTER
0:11:37 > 0:11:40It's a bit like Reservoir Dogs.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42LAUGHTER
0:11:42 > 0:11:45All the retrospectives of Thatcher's reign
0:11:45 > 0:11:47have brought back some memories.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Do you recall what the eminent Dr Jonathan Miller
0:11:50 > 0:11:51said about Thatcher?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00It's good that Jonathan Miller reminds us
0:12:00 > 0:12:02occasionally of what a twat he is.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04LAUGHTER
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- Line them up.- Line them up!
0:12:10 > 0:12:14- Am I on that?- Yes, you're on this now.- I don't know what you're on!
0:12:14 > 0:12:16LAUGHTER
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Yes, this is the solemn news that one of our greatest peacetime
0:12:21 > 0:12:23prime ministers has died.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27But don't worry, GORDON'S ALIVE!
0:12:27 > 0:12:29CHEERING / APPLAUSE
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Jeffrey Archer paid tribute to Lady Thatcher, saying...
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Jeffrey Archer, not just a terrible writer but also a terrible writer.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48LAUGHTER
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Lord Saatchi joined in the tribute saying...
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Has he not read the papers?
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Lady Thatcher's funeral will be held in central London next Wednesday.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11It will be a full ceremonial occasion with military honours.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14But at her own request there will be no fly past.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Although the Argentinean Air Force did offer.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18LAUGHTER
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Paul and Bridget, my sugar lumps.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23- Yes.- Take a look at this.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Another one of the feel-good stories of the week.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28LAUGHTER
0:13:28 > 0:13:30This is a man who is extremely dangerous.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33- Getting hop scotch very wrong. - Absolutely.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35There he is being applauded.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Every body laughing and clapping because he's fantastic.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42He's conducting his own symphony which he's written inside a tank.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46You managed to have someone on who makes Mrs Thatcher
0:13:46 > 0:13:47look rational and human.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48LAUGHTER
0:13:48 > 0:13:50That's why you're here.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51LAUGHTER
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Let's see how Jeremy Paxman
0:13:58 > 0:14:02introduced this major international story on Newsnight.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04There have mercifully been no hostilities yet
0:14:04 > 0:14:08and the natural response to the spectacle of a fat little man
0:14:08 > 0:14:12in an absurd boiler suit issuing such threats is perhaps to laugh.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16LAUGHTER
0:14:18 > 0:14:22- Who wants to see the North Korean Embassy in London?- Yes, please.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25It's not quite as grand as you might expect.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29It's a semi-detached house in Ealing where according to neighbours...
0:14:33 > 0:14:36It's a seven-bedroom property so if nothing else North Korea
0:14:36 > 0:14:39now owes us 98 quid a week in bedroom tax.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45What have US soldiers been doing which involves Camp Stanley?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48They're practicing anti-chemical warfare techniques.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51I've got terrible wind.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53LAUGHTER
0:14:54 > 0:14:57This is chemical warfare.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01If someone kills Brian, the list of suspects is going to be enormous.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03LAUGHTER
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Some experts believe we can predict the next move of North Korea
0:15:08 > 0:15:12- because they've got a thing about the number nine.- Yes.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13Now, what is it?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16It's a lucky number. It has a great significance in their culture.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19- That's right. Now, nine is regarded as a very lucky number.- Yeah.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23The first nuclear test took place October 9th, 2006.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24That's my birthday.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Second was on April 5th, 2009 and that's significant,
0:15:27 > 0:15:28according to the magazine...
0:15:28 > 0:15:29COUGHS
0:15:29 > 0:15:31..Business Insider, because...
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Sorry, what was the... Did you...?
0:15:33 > 0:15:34W-What was the first word?
0:15:34 > 0:15:35LAUGHTER
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- Now, it says here five plus four equals nine...- Yeah.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- ..and the nine of 2009.- Yeah.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44- Now, the next nuclear test was on 12 December, 2012...- Yeah.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46..and therefore one plus two
0:15:46 > 0:15:49plus one plus two plus one plus two
0:15:49 > 0:15:53- of 2012 equals nine.- Yeah.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55LAUGHTER
0:15:55 > 0:15:58And the North Koreans announced they couldn't protect foreign diplomats
0:15:58 > 0:16:02- after Wednesday of this week which was...- The 9th.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03April the 10th.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06LAUGHTER
0:16:06 > 0:16:08We're dealing with lunatics!
0:16:10 > 0:16:14This is the deranged, power-crazed dictator...
0:16:14 > 0:16:15Hey, hang on a minute.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Haven't we done with her?
0:16:17 > 0:16:19LAUGHTER
0:16:19 > 0:16:23I'm getting it wrong, no. Obviously, it's Kim Jong Un
0:16:23 > 0:16:26and his desire to make his own mark on the world
0:16:26 > 0:16:29in the shape of a bloody great crater.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30LAUGHTER
0:16:30 > 0:16:34And here's a recent picture of Kim Jong Un...
0:16:34 > 0:16:36applying for the manager's job at Sunderland.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38LAUGHTER
0:16:38 > 0:16:42Our tensions were further escalated this week when North Korea
0:16:42 > 0:16:45warned they would restart their nuclear reactor with
0:16:45 > 0:16:46the chilling words,
0:16:46 > 0:16:49"OK, boys, start pedalling."
0:16:49 > 0:16:51LAUGHTER
0:16:51 > 0:16:55And so on to Round Two and a new game that I'm calling
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Have I Got Noise For You.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00LAUGHTER
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Along with a picture clue, I'm going to make a noise...
0:17:02 > 0:17:03LAUGHS
0:17:03 > 0:17:06..which should tell you what the story's about.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08So we start with...
0:17:08 > 0:17:11SINGS OPERATIC LOVE SONG
0:17:11 > 0:17:13WHISTLES
0:17:13 > 0:17:14SINGS MELODY
0:17:14 > 0:17:16WHISTLES
0:17:16 > 0:17:18IMITATES STATIC
0:17:18 > 0:17:20# Lady in red. #
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Now, what are those?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24LAUGHTER
0:17:24 > 0:17:26KEN: I think the pandas have started having sex
0:17:26 > 0:17:30but I don't think they make that much noise about it.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34- They don't really get very, sort of, you know...horny.- No.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36- It takes a lot to get them going.- Yeah.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Do you know you came top in a poll of the sexiest bearded men?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- Did I really? - Yeah, I heard about it somewhere.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45I mean you were only running against Osama bin Laden.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47LAUGHTER
0:17:47 > 0:17:50APPLAUSE
0:17:50 > 0:17:55Eh, this is the news that Yang Guang, Edinburgh Zoo's male panda,
0:17:55 > 0:17:59has had his radio switched from Classic FM to Smooth Radio to
0:17:59 > 0:18:02help get him in the mood to mate.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04- You didn't say that, did you? - No, we didn't, no.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05LAUGHTER
0:18:05 > 0:18:08What have gorillas been in the news for this week?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Two children...
0:18:10 > 0:18:15- Two children.- ..were standing in front of their enclosure with bananas
0:18:15 > 0:18:19and the gorilla went nuts, rightly so,
0:18:19 > 0:18:22and was banging on the glass and...
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Brilliant, brilliant, Bridget, you've got it.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28A gorilla called Motaba has been indulging in a bit of what is
0:18:28 > 0:18:31popularly called photobombing.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32Here he is.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35LAUGHTER
0:18:38 > 0:18:43This is the news that Edinburgh Zoo's pandas may be about to mate.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47According to the Telegraph, if the mating doesn't take place, the zoo
0:18:47 > 0:18:53will attempt artificial insemination using samples taken from Yang Guang.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- He's not the president of North Korea, is he?- No. Not at the moment.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58- No, I'm getting mixed up.- Yeah.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02I mean that's a traumatising experience for both a panda
0:19:02 > 0:19:05and the work experience boy.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07LAUGHTER
0:19:07 > 0:19:10And here's your next noise clue. Here we go.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Ka-ching!
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Boo!
0:19:15 > 0:19:16LAUGHTER
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- This is the banker. - BRIDGET: Yes, Jim, James...
0:19:19 > 0:19:20- Crosby.- Crosby.- Yep.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23So there were three bankers who were finally in HBOS which is
0:19:23 > 0:19:27Halifax-Bank of Scotland which collapsed spectacularly
0:19:27 > 0:19:29and had to be bailed out by the taxpayer,
0:19:29 > 0:19:31and the three people in charge are finally,
0:19:31 > 0:19:33after all these years, been found guilty
0:19:33 > 0:19:36and the Parliamentary Standards Committee were incredibly
0:19:36 > 0:19:40cross with them and a banker has offered to give his knighthood back.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Gosh, you're a mine of information.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43If he was a mine of information,
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Margaret Thatcher would have closed him down years ago.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47LAUGHTER
0:19:47 > 0:19:50APPLAUSE
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Well, this lot...
0:19:51 > 0:19:53What was interesting about this man, James Crosby,
0:19:53 > 0:19:55is as well as being in charge of HBOS,
0:19:55 > 0:19:58he was deputy chairman of the Financial Services Authority which
0:19:58 > 0:20:01was meant to look into scandals in the City and amazingly,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03he didn't see his own.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Why are we saying that that's a great thing for him to do?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09It doesn't really seem... I mean are titles very important?
0:20:09 > 0:20:12KEN: John Lennon returned his gong, didn't he, so it's a good precedent.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15BRIDGET: Yeah and I lost my title when I got married,
0:20:15 > 0:20:16it didn't bother me at all.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18- What were you?- Miss.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20LAUGHTER
0:20:20 > 0:20:21Ian, as well as his knighthood,
0:20:21 > 0:20:23what's Sir James kindly giving back?
0:20:23 > 0:20:24He's giving back some of his pension.
0:20:24 > 0:20:2825% of his pension so he's got to get by on 400 grand a year.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30God knows how he'll manage.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32It's tough, isn't it, Ken?
0:20:32 > 0:20:33You tried.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37LAUGHTER
0:20:37 > 0:20:41Well, me dogs, he's kindly giving back 30% of his annual
0:20:41 > 0:20:43pension every year until he dies.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Though that still leaves him taking 400,000 a year or,
0:20:46 > 0:20:48in other words, the piss.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51LAUGHTER
0:20:51 > 0:20:55APPLAUSE
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- Now, time now for the Odd One Out round.- It's you!
0:20:58 > 0:21:01LAUGHTER
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Just one between you this week.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Liz Hurley,
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Carina Trimingham,
0:21:06 > 0:21:07George Osborne
0:21:07 > 0:21:09and a snow car.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12BRIDGET: Is it the car made of snow...because the other three
0:21:12 > 0:21:13pollute the atmosphere?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16LAUGHTER
0:21:16 > 0:21:20Is it actually a car covered in snow or made out of snow?
0:21:20 > 0:21:21It's a car made of snow.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25KEN: Liz Hurley's then-partner got done in a small crime in a car
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- parked, didn't he?- Yeah.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28- Hugh Grant.- Yes.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31You've got to name names, don't worry about Leveson.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32I'll protect you.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34LAUGHTER
0:21:34 > 0:21:39Either George Osborne has had an illicit affair or the car.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Now, if you had to have sex with one of those two, which would you go for?
0:21:42 > 0:21:43LAUGHTER
0:21:43 > 0:21:45BUZZER
0:21:45 > 0:21:46We think it's the car.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50LAUGHTER
0:21:50 > 0:21:51- For the reason I gave? - No, no.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55BRIDGET: Osborne parked in a disabled bay this week in McDonalds
0:21:55 > 0:21:56and he got a ticket.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00The car that's made out of snow was only a temporary problem because
0:22:00 > 0:22:01it melted.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02LAUGHTER
0:22:02 > 0:22:05- What's her car offence?- Liz Hurley?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Hugh Grant. Oh, well...
0:22:08 > 0:22:09I don't think she was there,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12that's part of the reason why the offence occurred.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13LAUGHTER
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- I think, I-I... - Yeah, go on, tell us.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Gentlemen...L-Ladies and gentlemen,
0:22:17 > 0:22:21I have to say that I'm actually losing my mind at the moment.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22I think we've gone way past that event.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23LAUGHTER
0:22:23 > 0:22:26They've all received a parking ticket apart from
0:22:26 > 0:22:31George Osborne who didn't because he can park wherever he likes.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33According to the Mirror,
0:22:33 > 0:22:37he parked his £50,000 taxpayer-funded Land Rover
0:22:37 > 0:22:38in a space for the disabled.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Which Osborne clearly isn't, as we can see here...
0:22:43 > 0:22:44MUSIC: "Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor
0:22:46 > 0:22:49# Just a man and his will to survive
0:22:51 > 0:22:55# So many times it happens too fast
0:22:55 > 0:22:58# You trade your passion for glory... #
0:23:00 > 0:23:01LAUGHTER
0:23:02 > 0:23:04APPLAUSE
0:23:04 > 0:23:06DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Its a real shame he wasn't any good,
0:23:08 > 0:23:10because beforehand he was so excited.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Sorry.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18LAUGHTER
0:23:20 > 0:23:22That's the Olympic legacy in one clip.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Carina Trimingham, Chris Huhne's girlfriend,
0:23:27 > 0:23:31was given a £110 penalty for parking in a permit-holder's bay
0:23:31 > 0:23:35while visiting him at Wandsworth Prison.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- I went to Ford once. - You went to what?
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- Ford Open Prison.- Did you? - Yeah, it's very nice in there.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43What were you done for?
0:23:45 > 0:23:48No, really, what were you done for? Just laughing it off like that.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Unless you feel you've paid your debt to society?
0:23:51 > 0:23:55I just don't feel we should go back. I've been rehabilitated.
0:23:55 > 0:23:56As what?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00He's in Leyhill Open Prison in Gloucestershire,
0:24:00 > 0:24:01which has been described as...
0:24:04 > 0:24:06I usually prefer the Ritz. Though not this week,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09it must have been like that episode of Fawlty Towers in there.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18Liz Hurley was recently £240 worth of parking tickets
0:24:18 > 0:24:22when she left her car on the streets of Mayfair for four days,
0:24:22 > 0:24:25after she had forgotten where she had parked it.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Apparently, it was down to the Sun newspaper,
0:24:27 > 0:24:29who reported that they managed to trace the car
0:24:29 > 0:24:31to the street where she left it.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34God, they're good! Aren't they?
0:24:34 > 0:24:36I wonder how they done it.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40I wonder if they used any sort of technology?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Rich people don't behave like you and I -
0:24:42 > 0:24:44all my money goes on my animals.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47We don't know about leaving a little car here and a little car there.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- What animals do you have? - He's got 3,000 animals.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Yes, thousands of animals, yes.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53- And so we just...- What...?
0:24:55 > 0:24:59- What are they?- Are you expecting a flood?- I have to tell you now...
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Should we not know?
0:25:05 > 0:25:06They have all received
0:25:06 > 0:25:08a parking ticket,
0:25:08 > 0:25:10apart from George Osborne,
0:25:10 > 0:25:13who didn't because he can park wherever he likes.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15George Osborne's car was parked illegally
0:25:15 > 0:25:18when he went to get a meal in McDonald's.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19Well, as a Chancellor,
0:25:19 > 0:25:23he's used to opening boxes with unpleasant surprises inside(!)
0:25:25 > 0:25:30Osborne stopped at McDonald's just off the M4 as he returned from...
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Where a group of toddlers pointed out the holes
0:25:36 > 0:25:38in his Deficit Reduction Plan.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42So, the final scores are...
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Bridget and Paul have got six.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48And my two friends on the right, the ex-Lord Mayor Mr Livingstone
0:25:48 > 0:25:50and Ian Hislop - they've got six!
0:25:50 > 0:25:52A wonderful draw!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56APPLAUSE
0:25:56 > 0:25:58APPLAUSE OVER CONVERSATION
0:26:00 > 0:26:03That felt really good - someone referring to me and Ken as,
0:26:03 > 0:26:05"My two friends on the right".
0:26:07 > 0:26:11On which note, we say thank you to our panellists -
0:26:11 > 0:26:16Ian Hislop and Ken Livingstone, Paul Merton and Bridget Christie!
0:26:16 > 0:26:17APPLAUSE
0:26:22 > 0:26:24And I leave you with news that in Alabama,
0:26:24 > 0:26:28a group of gay rights activists campaign for same-sex marriage.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36In South West China, a cormorant salesman is advised by locals
0:26:36 > 0:26:38to "go and get those looked at".
0:26:41 > 0:26:45And the row over the cost of Lady Thatcher's funeral escalates,
0:26:45 > 0:26:47with the delivery of the hearse.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Good night and don't let the bastards grind you down.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59APPLAUSE
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:31 > 0:27:34And so our little thing is, which won't be shown...
0:27:34 > 0:27:35You can see my hands.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38We used to play marbles and we had ball bearings
0:27:38 > 0:27:42and we had glass arrows and we had glass marbles in the war years.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44And as a good marble player...
0:27:44 > 0:27:49A poor player did that, but a good marble player could turn -
0:27:49 > 0:27:51which is rather handsome -
0:27:51 > 0:27:54put the marble just there, between the thumb and finger and shoot.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56And you had immense accuracy.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Have you lost any of those marbles since then?