0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm Warwick Davis. In the news this week...
0:00:43 > 0:00:45At Camp Bastion, word gets out
0:00:45 > 0:00:47that the Foster's tanker has arrived...
0:00:50 > 0:00:53LAUGHTER
0:00:57 > 0:01:00On Newsnight, there's further evidence of George Osborne's
0:01:00 > 0:01:03incompetence, as he tries to do a piece to camera.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07LAUGHTER
0:01:08 > 0:01:12And in Moscow, the Russian Mafia launch their own version of Ocado...
0:01:12 > 0:01:14LAUGHTER
0:01:16 > 0:01:17On Ian's team tonight
0:01:17 > 0:01:20is a comedian who says that if he wasn't in comedy,
0:01:20 > 0:01:22he'd probably be an undertaker.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Well, if this week has taught us anything,
0:01:24 > 0:01:26it's that there's a lot of money in funerals.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Please welcome Joe Wilkinson!
0:01:29 > 0:01:32APPLAUSE
0:01:35 > 0:01:37And with Paul tonight,
0:01:37 > 0:01:38the current President of
0:01:38 > 0:01:41The Association of British Scrabble Players,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44who is also a firm opponent of the British Honours system
0:01:44 > 0:01:48so he'll never accept an "O", a "B" or an "E".
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Please welcome Gyles Brandreth!
0:01:50 > 0:01:53APPLAUSE
0:01:55 > 0:01:58And we start with the bigger stories of the week...
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Paul and Gyles, take a look at this.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04This is the funeral of Margaret Thatcher.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- I didn't see it myself but... - This is...
0:02:06 > 0:02:08- That's George Osborne. - George Osborne.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Ed Miliband. These are the people turning up.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13There's Terry Wogan, and..
0:02:13 > 0:02:17the man of the moment, who's had a haircut, by the look of it.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Oh!
0:02:18 > 0:02:20LAUGHTER
0:02:20 > 0:02:22A man with clear political vision.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24You were there, weren't you, Gyles?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27I was there. I was very honoured to be there and, in fact,
0:02:27 > 0:02:29it was a very moving service.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32But, I have to say, I was seated amongst all the sort of
0:02:32 > 0:02:34ex-Parliamentarians and Parliamentarians
0:02:34 > 0:02:37and I sort of looked around, and it was honestly like, sort of,
0:02:37 > 0:02:43finding you'd woken up in the middle of an episode of Spitting Image.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47Because sort of 25, 30 years on, these people
0:02:47 > 0:02:49actually now look like the puppets.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53There was a moment, in fact,
0:02:53 > 0:02:55I actually thought that the Great Lady herself
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- was going to come to life once more. - Oh, really?
0:02:57 > 0:03:01- Because...- That could have been interesting television, wouldn't it?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Well, it would have been wonderful for the world,
0:03:03 > 0:03:07but the reason I thought it might have happened,
0:03:07 > 0:03:12seriously, is I glanced under David Cameron, the Prime Minister's,
0:03:12 > 0:03:15chair. He was seated adjacent to The Queen and The Duke of Edinburgh
0:03:15 > 0:03:19And under his chair was a bottle of Evian water.
0:03:19 > 0:03:24French water in St Paul's, at Margaret Thatcher's funeral.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27I was surprised that the casket didn't burst open, and a hand
0:03:27 > 0:03:30come out and grab it from under the chair.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32She would not have approved of that.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Most people don't come back from the dead because of mineral water.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40Tony Blair was there, looking less orange than of late.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42You know, he's become the sort of Dale Winton
0:03:42 > 0:03:45of the Middle East peace process.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48That's what the Middle East peace process was missing -
0:03:48 > 0:03:50- that energy that Dale can bring to it.- Absolutely.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Well, he was looking positively pallid.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54There were other people I thought...
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Well, I saw Dr Kissinger was there.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58I thought I saw Angela Merkel
0:03:58 > 0:04:01but it turned out to be Clare Balding.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04JOE: All the ex-Prime Ministers were sitting there going,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06"They're not going to do this for me, are they?
0:04:06 > 0:04:10"I'd be lucky to get a bloody buffet."
0:04:10 > 0:04:12That sounds very like John Major.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Well it was, as Gyles has said, an occasion where people like
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Michael Crawford rubbed shoulders with Baroness Boothroyd.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Ooh, Betty.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Do you know what the dress code was for men?
0:04:26 > 0:04:27Trousers.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- Were you in top hat and tails? - No, I wasn't.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33I was just wearing a sober dark suit.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35- Were you an usher?- I wasn't.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39We've had the wedding, and we're going to have the birth,
0:04:39 > 0:04:41as you know, later in the year.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44This is a funeral to keep us going meanwhile.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46I did think that, about halfway through.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Having started off thinking, "Oh, what a waste of money."
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Then I thought, "Well, actually, we've got all this kit.
0:04:51 > 0:04:56"We've got these cathedrals, we've got the choirs, we've got the army.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58"May as well use them, really."
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- JOE: Take the Bishops out of storage. - Absolutely!
0:05:03 > 0:05:04But it was great.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07I mean, I do like funerals, and I realised halfway through,
0:05:07 > 0:05:10I'm really enjoying this and I don't really care whose funeral it is.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11LAUGHTER
0:05:11 > 0:05:13You had everything.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16You had Vaughan Williams and Bunyan, and...Elgar, Nimrod.
0:05:16 > 0:05:21I mean, for some of us, it was just worth every penny.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25For people like you, Ian... I bought your magazine this week.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Page, after page, after page.... You adored...
0:05:27 > 0:05:29That's how magazines work.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30Yeah.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33They work like that.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34APPLAUSE
0:05:36 > 0:05:39I thought the reverend and sensible thing to do was to produce
0:05:39 > 0:05:43an issue and then sell it for as much money as possible.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45And it's what she would have wanted.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Well, to get back to the question...
0:05:50 > 0:05:52..which I asked some time ago.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54If you read your invitation, it would have said...
0:05:57 > 0:06:02Which is a shame, because George Osborne might have fallen on it.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06He did a bit of blubbing, though. Here's a picture of him.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Looking rather upset.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10It showed he was human, didn't it?
0:06:10 > 0:06:11I think he just stopped blinking.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14LAUGHTER
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Big screens relayed the coverage of the funeral to the British
0:06:16 > 0:06:18people all across the land.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21LAUGHTER
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Gyles, of course, was a prominent figure in Margaret Thatcher's
0:06:24 > 0:06:27reign, which were very different times.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30It's difficult for people who weren't alive then to believe
0:06:30 > 0:06:33that scenes like this were a daily occurrence.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35LAUGHTER
0:06:35 > 0:06:39That makes you feel a bit repulsed to look at that? Does it?
0:06:39 > 0:06:40GYLES: Not really.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43I don't think would cause the people from Operation Yewtree to call on me.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Do you?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46LAUGHTER
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- Who didn't go to the funeral? - A lot of people didn't go.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54It was on a Wednesday, and quite a lot of people have jobs.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Not as many as before, but...
0:06:57 > 0:07:01GYLES: Glenda Jackson didn't go. JOE: She had a Zumba class.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05What protests were expected at the funeral?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Oh, it was going to be huge.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Again, if you read the press,
0:07:08 > 0:07:11you'd have thought there was going to be the Poll Tax riots.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14And then, when there aren't, they say, "Look! Ha! There are no riots.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17"People couldn't even be bothered to turn up.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18"That just shows you."
0:07:18 > 0:07:21There is a great moment where they thought something had happened.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23They said, "Someone's thrown something!"
0:07:23 > 0:07:25And then they found out it was a flower.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30So, apart from Prime Minister's Questions,
0:07:30 > 0:07:33what else didn't happen at the House of Commons?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Big Ben. Big Ben didn't chime.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38They didn't want Big Ben going "ding dong". Yes.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44They thought it would be disrespectful.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45And in very poor taste.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47APPLAUSE
0:07:47 > 0:07:49That's right, yeah. Big Ben didn't bong.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52For the first time since Churchill's death.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55And, staying with "ding dongs", who's making a large
0:07:55 > 0:07:58chunk of the money from the sales of The Witch is Dead?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Andrew Lloyd Webber.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- That's right.- Which is...as a die-hard... Sorry, a bad phrase.
0:08:03 > 0:08:08As a...a...dyed-in-the-wool, em, Conservative
0:08:08 > 0:08:09that must be a touch embarrassing
0:08:09 > 0:08:12to be making money out of this protest song.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16Indeed. The cast recording from his production of The Wizard Of Oz
0:08:16 > 0:08:20is selling as many as the 1939 MGM film version.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23The original song was sung by the Munchkins -
0:08:23 > 0:08:26slightly creepy-looking with goblin-like features.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Lord Webber was present at the funeral.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Now, staying with funerals and cemeteries for a moment...
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- Yes, let's. - ..what is this man doing?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Is he visiting the Dignitas clinic?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44GYLES: Or is he bringing his wife back from it?
0:08:44 > 0:08:45LAUGHTER
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Or are they on their way to the cremation?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Is it a boil-in-the-bag person?
0:08:51 > 0:08:53LAUGHTER
0:08:55 > 0:08:58APPLAUSE
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Now, there's a very good reason he's in a bag.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03He's in fact an ultra-Orthodox Jew,
0:09:03 > 0:09:07who cannot come into contact with the remains of a dead person
0:09:07 > 0:09:10and that includes flying through the airspace of a cemetery.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14So this was the ceremonial funeral of Margaret Thatcher,
0:09:14 > 0:09:16which dominated the media on Wednesday.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20At the service in St Paul's, David Cameron gave the second
0:09:20 > 0:09:22reading from the Gospel of St John.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23He told the congregation...
0:09:26 > 0:09:29And then he started reading from the Gospel of St John.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Lady Thatcher's former press secretary Bernard Ingham
0:09:34 > 0:09:35paid the biggest tribute possible
0:09:35 > 0:09:38by wearing his full, ceremonial eyebrows.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Ian, Joe, take a look at this.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Oh, that's One Direction.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Oh.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52JOE: Vince falling over a cable.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57That's people falling in love with One Direction.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Vince...
0:09:58 > 0:10:00not falling in love.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03He was asked about them at a press conference, is that right?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05I think so, yeah. Well, no he wasn't.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I think he wasn't and then he just started talking about them
0:10:08 > 0:10:09and no-one knew why.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13He started having a go about how much they'd earned last year, I think,
0:10:13 > 0:10:17which, clearly, is a little bit jealous cos his looks are fading.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18Eh.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21So what did he actually say? You sort of touched upon it.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Did he say it was immoral how much they earn?
0:10:24 > 0:10:27And, eh...and then he, em...
0:10:27 > 0:10:30I think he just sort of went, "I don't know where I am."
0:10:30 > 0:10:32LAUGHTER
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Yeah, yeah, he was at an Institute of Directors event
0:10:36 > 0:10:38on wealth inequality
0:10:38 > 0:10:42and he seemed to agree with criticism that the £25 million
0:10:42 > 0:10:44earnings of boy band One Direction were "mad."
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Although it was all a bit of a muddle.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Institute Director Simon Walker got their name wrong
0:10:49 > 0:10:51and called them "New Direction."
0:10:51 > 0:10:53And then, according to the Times...
0:10:58 > 0:11:00It's easily done. I often get Vince Cable confused with
0:11:00 > 0:11:04Gunther von Hagens, the bloke who does autopsies and makes ice cream.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06LAUGHTER
0:11:06 > 0:11:11In other financial news, what have French president Francois Hollande's
0:11:11 > 0:11:13cabinet ministers been ordered to reveal?
0:11:13 > 0:11:17GYLES: Ooh. Their Swiss bank account numbers because
0:11:17 > 0:11:21one of them was discovered to have a stash of booty
0:11:21 > 0:11:24in a secret Swis-sh bank account.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26- Swish.- Swish.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- Fur-lined vaults. - Yeah.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32- Flunkies at every door. - Can you imagine?- Yeah, exactly.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35- They do tax avoidance properly. - Yeah.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I mean this is just, sort of, corporations avoiding it.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- This is individuals.- Yes.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42This was actually the minister in charge of the budget, in charge
0:11:42 > 0:11:47of raising tax, has an offshore bank account and pays no tax himself.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50I mean, I hope our cabinet are taking note...
0:11:50 > 0:11:53- cos this is how it's done properly. - Absolutely.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56They were told to declare all their personal wealth and assets.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Michele Delaunay, minister for the elderly,
0:11:59 > 0:12:02declared over five million euros including property
0:12:02 > 0:12:04and art collection, jewellery and watches
0:12:04 > 0:12:09while the housing minister, Cecile Duflot, admitted she owned...
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Meanwhile, what's special about this shirt?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18JOE: It's worn by a really cool dude.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21It's bought by Datta Phuge of India.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23It's gold. Actual gold.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26That's right, it's made out of gold worth 250,000.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29GYLES: Why is a third of the sleeve missing?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31LAUGHTER
0:12:34 > 0:12:38JOE: Is it...? Do you know by any chance, is it machine-washable?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Because if it's not, there's no point.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44You'd be up and down from the drycleaners, cost you a fortune.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48- He's also been given the nickname "The Gold Man" cos...- Why?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50LAUGHTER
0:12:50 > 0:12:54According to BBC News, Datta Phuge is obsessed by precious metal.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Or a high-profile sexual offender.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06LAUGHTER
0:13:06 > 0:13:07So...
0:13:08 > 0:13:11We mentioned One Direction earlier, didn't we?
0:13:11 > 0:13:15In other music news, how has singer Justin Bieber caused offence?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Anne Frank's...he visited Anne Frank's house
0:13:17 > 0:13:19and was surprised that she wasn't there.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Em...and then wrote in the visitor's book that
0:13:22 > 0:13:26if she'd been alive at this point, she'd probably be a Belieber.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- That's what he calls his followers I think.- That's right.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31But I have been round Anne Frank's house and I walked around it.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33At no point did I think, "You know what this place lacks?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36"A Justin Bieber poster."
0:13:36 > 0:13:38It hasn't been a great couple of months for Bieber.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41His pet monkey was stuck in quarantine in Germany and when
0:13:41 > 0:13:43he was due to perform at the O2 in London,
0:13:43 > 0:13:48he turned up two hours late, much to the anger of his fans.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52I'm totally and utterly disgusted. We're all fans and now we hate him.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55LAUGHTER
0:13:57 > 0:14:00This is Vince Cable's attack on the earnings of One Direction -
0:14:00 > 0:14:02that's the band One Direction,
0:14:02 > 0:14:06not to be confused with the government, no direction.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07According to the Guardian...
0:14:11 > 0:14:13..and once you deduct Simon Cowell's cut,
0:14:13 > 0:14:17they're still getting just above the minimum wage.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21Meanwhile, Justin Bieber has been slated for suggesting
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Anne Frank would have been a Belieber.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25To be fair, she may well have been a fan of Bieber's music,
0:14:25 > 0:14:28although she'd have probably kept the volume down.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- And so to round two - the Picture Spin Quiz.- Whey.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Now, fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41BELL RINGS
0:14:41 > 0:14:46JOE: Eh, is this where a hotel is hiring out a fish for the evening?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49LAUGHTER
0:14:49 > 0:14:52I might still be dreaming.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Em, I believe you can hire a goldfish if you're...
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Yeah, I might have made this up.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00What, if you're lonely?
0:15:00 > 0:15:01- I think so.- Yeah.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05This is the news that lonely guests at a hotel in Cheshire
0:15:05 > 0:15:08can now rent a goldfish called Happy.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11APPLAUSE
0:15:11 > 0:15:14I think it's been going for a while. Imagine what that goldfish has seen.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16LAUGHTER
0:15:16 > 0:15:19- It doesn't matter - he won't remember.- Thank God.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22That's why it's the ideal pet for a hotel.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25GYLES: What's that over his shoulder? That could be...
0:15:25 > 0:15:27- That could be a gun. - Yeah.
0:15:27 > 0:15:32Or even worse, it could be a frying pan hidden in his holdall.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35He is going up there to toss that goldfish.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Oh, well. It's the companionship for him.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41You're right. It's an unfortunate use of phrase, I agree.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45But if you ask at reception, they know what you mean.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49How much does Happy cost?
0:15:49 > 0:15:53£10-a-night. That's an outrageous sum of money, isn't it? £5.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54I think it's going to be a fiver.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Indeed it is. £5-a-stay or he's free
0:15:56 > 0:15:59if you can throw a hoop round a skittle.
0:16:01 > 0:16:02What does Happy offer the guests?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- Oh, please. - The full package.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Synchronised swimming.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Which is easy to do if there's only one of you.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14He's a good listener.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16"My wife doesn't understand me."
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Actually, you're sort of on the right track there.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23APPLAUSE
0:16:23 > 0:16:28According to Jeff Riley, who runs the Happy Guest Hotel Lodge...
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Paying £5 for a goldfish is a slightly strange thing to do when
0:16:38 > 0:16:40you're staying in a hotel but don't worry,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43to spare you any embarrassment at reception it comes up
0:16:43 > 0:16:46on your bill under the generic term "porn".
0:16:48 > 0:16:49The fish is called Happy,
0:16:49 > 0:16:52unless you get hungry in the middle of the night,
0:16:52 > 0:16:54in which case it's called sushi.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04BUZZER
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- It's Eric Pickles. - I thought it was a boiled egg.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08LAUGHTER
0:17:09 > 0:17:12They're changing the planning laws and people are very unhappy
0:17:12 > 0:17:13about it, or some people are.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16It's to sort of try and encourage the building industry
0:17:16 > 0:17:18but you'd no longer have to... Is it about the planning laws?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Indeed it is.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23There's a giant conservatory in the background, you see that?
0:17:23 > 0:17:24No, that's his fridge.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25LAUGHTER
0:17:27 > 0:17:29So, yeah, you can build up to 25 foot or something.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31You don't need planning permission any more.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34That's right. It's the news that Eric Pickles has to work out
0:17:34 > 0:17:36what to change about this home extension legislation
0:17:36 > 0:17:40to get it through the Commons. What was the initial plan?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43They would do away with the red tape. You could just extend your
0:17:43 > 0:17:45conservatory. It could be as big as you like,
0:17:45 > 0:17:47and this would energise the building market.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51This is one of those typical Coalition not-thought-through bills.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53And someone said, "What about your neighbours?
0:17:53 > 0:17:57"What if they don't want the whole of the garden as a conservatory?"
0:17:57 > 0:18:01And they went, "Oh, we didn't think about that."
0:18:01 > 0:18:04I know him quite well because we became members of Parliament on the
0:18:04 > 0:18:06same day but the public liked him.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08LAUGHTER
0:18:08 > 0:18:10So he's still there, whereas I'm not.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11That's a shame.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Did the public throw you out or did you go of your own accord?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17No, I'm afraid the public spoke and, in my case,
0:18:17 > 0:18:19in no uncertain terms.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21And I was tempted to go back but my wife said to me,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24"Listen to the people, they have spoken, they don't like you."
0:18:26 > 0:18:29I've taken it on the chin. Of course, he has more to take it on...
0:18:29 > 0:18:32LAUGHTER
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Didn't happen to him.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Who would like to see Bob Ford, Mayor of Toronto,
0:18:36 > 0:18:39and an Eric Pickles lookalike walking down a corridor?
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Yes, please.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43There's people that are for it and people that are against it,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45that's why we're having it. Excuse me, guys.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48BLEEP
0:18:52 > 0:18:55In other terrible planning news, how did one resident in China
0:18:55 > 0:18:57ensure he had hot water throughout the winter?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Bought a kettle.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03How I do it.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Well, he's the only resident in his block of flats
0:19:06 > 0:19:08still fighting a proposed demolition.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Let's see how successful that plan was.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27LAUGHTER
0:19:27 > 0:19:28What a nutter.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32On the subject of plumbing nightmares,
0:19:32 > 0:19:33who can spot what's gone wrong here?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38And... And here?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43I have that problem with every toilet door.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Let's see the next one.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53And finally, here.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58It's actually quite clever though, isn't it?
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- Somebody's thinking.- Improvised. - Yeah, absolutely.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04This is the rejection of Eric Pickles' plans to double the size
0:20:04 > 0:20:06of home extensions.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07According to The Mirror...
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Well, so long as it's an even number,
0:20:12 > 0:20:15they're still heading in the right direction.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Time, now, for the odd one out round - one between you this week.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Warwick Davis, a pair of mating tortoises,
0:20:21 > 0:20:24a potato and Brian Blessed.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27BUZZER
0:20:27 > 0:20:29They've all hosted this show...
0:20:31 > 0:20:34..apart from the potato.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36They've all had sex with that tortoise in the top right.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Hang on a minute.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Oh, sorry, not the potato.
0:20:44 > 0:20:50Ooh. Yes. You could eat them all but only one if you're a vegetarian.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52LAUGHTER
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Think of Brian's voice.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Boom! Boom!
0:20:57 > 0:21:00That's Basil Brush you're thinking of there.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03- Give us a clue. - What have I done?
0:21:03 > 0:21:04You're all in Star Wars.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- Oh, you've all been in sci-fi. - You've all been in Star Wars.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Brian's been in...the other one...
0:21:10 > 0:21:12- Flash Gordon.- Flash Gordon.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14The odd one out is obviously...
0:21:14 > 0:21:16the potato.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- No.- The odd one out's Brian Blessed cos he was in Flash Gordon,
0:21:19 > 0:21:20- not Star Wars.- That's the point.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23I don't know if that's the right answer. Is that the right answer?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26You're wrong. You're all wrong.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28- It's the tortoises.- Yeah.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31The one in front is blind and the one
0:21:31 > 0:21:34behind is pushing him all the way to...
0:21:34 > 0:21:35LAUGHTER
0:21:37 > 0:21:41They have all appeared in Star Wars, apart from the mating pair
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- of tortoises who were in Jurassic Park.- Oh.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47Anyone know what part they played in Jurassic Park?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Did they provide the catering?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Did they play Jeff Goldblum?
0:21:52 > 0:21:56The screams of the velociraptors in the film Jurassic Park were made
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- by a pair of mating tortoises... - Caw.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02..as revealed this week by sound engineer Gary Rydstrom,
0:22:02 > 0:22:03who told an interviewer...
0:22:09 > 0:22:12So here is the sound of the tortoises having sex.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14GROANING
0:22:14 > 0:22:16LAUGHTER
0:22:16 > 0:22:19GROANING
0:22:19 > 0:22:21So the other one was me, of course.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25I was in Star Wars, not just one film but two.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Um...
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Sound excited!
0:22:28 > 0:22:30LAUGHTER
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- Do you know, in America they'd have given that a prolonged round of applause?- Yeah.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37- A woop-woo and everything.- Yes, how nice, that is a nice and lovely...
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Don't do it now, it's just sarcastic.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43Brian Blessed provided the voice of Boss Nass in
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Star Wars Episode One - The Phantom Menace.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Did he rule over a tribe of hard-of-hearing people?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54The special effects company behind Star Wars, Industrial Light And Magic,
0:22:54 > 0:22:58managed to sneak a potato into a sequence of The Empire Strikes Back.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02According to effects virtuoso Ken Ralston, who was behind the stunt -
0:23:07 > 0:23:11And Ken of course later found fame as Head Chef at Findus.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17They've all appeared in Star Wars, apart from a pair of
0:23:17 > 0:23:19mating tortoises.
0:23:19 > 0:23:24George Lucas picked me out for the part of Wicket, the leading Ewok in Return Of The Jedi.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27I've also had the honour of playing Yoda, the wise and powerful
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Jedi Master. Though, not wise enough to predict,
0:23:29 > 0:23:33- IMITATES YODA:- In Vodafone ads, selling out I will be.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Time now for the Missing Words round.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41This week's guest publication is the ESB Newsletter, bringing you news
0:23:41 > 0:23:44from the Earthworm Society in Britain.
0:23:44 > 0:23:50Unfortunately, even if you tear the newsletter in half, it still keeps going.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52And we start with -
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Men who are too handsome ordered to what?
0:23:55 > 0:23:56JOE: Grow beards.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01APPLAUSE
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Take a fish home.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06We don't know.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Leave Saudi Arabia.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12According to The Telegraph, the unwelcome visitors to Saudi Arabia
0:24:12 > 0:24:14were approached by the religious police,
0:24:14 > 0:24:19with their traditional line of "Allah, Allah, Allah, what's all this then?"
0:24:21 > 0:24:24APPLAUSE
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Next, small brown-nosed worm is what?
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Bit of a looker.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Is alternative to goldfish at the
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Happy Guest House, Cheshire.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Is promoted above his contemporaries.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47The answer is, it's cosmopolitan.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53According to the ESB Newsletter, it's been described by scientists as
0:24:53 > 0:24:55"a cosmopolitan worm",
0:24:55 > 0:24:58as it's found on both sides of the Atlantic.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02And because it loves reading about beauty, fashion and sex.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Next, Ed Miliband has what?
0:25:06 > 0:25:07LAUGHTER
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Nice worm.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13Caravan in Newport.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16Has broken wrist.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18- That's right.- Oh, well done! - Is exactly right.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22I knew there was something interesting about him.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25He broke his wrist on holiday in Devon...
0:25:25 > 0:25:27That's the line he's taking, anyway.
0:25:27 > 0:25:32At first he thought the pain in his wrist was because he'd been too vigorous
0:25:32 > 0:25:34when waving his brother goodbye.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Next, woman used a quiche to what?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Improve a salad.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Lure Boris down a back alley.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52I think we'll - let's move on before
0:25:52 > 0:25:54we start examining all the meanings of that sentence.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- The answer is, assault a police officer.- Ah!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01And finally, what has
0:26:01 > 0:26:04a brain, five hearts and breathes
0:26:04 > 0:26:05through its skin?
0:26:05 > 0:26:06The Labour back bench.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10- It's a type of worm.- It is, yeah.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12It's a superworm!
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- Superworm?- Superworm! You could do the voice.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17If you were on a railway carriage that was
0:26:17 > 0:26:19hanging off the edge of a cliff,
0:26:19 > 0:26:22and you called for a superhero, and Superworm turned up...
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Yaay! Oh, my god, I'm going to see this movie!
0:26:26 > 0:26:28I'd like to be in this movie.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30- Are you all right?- No.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31LAUGHTER
0:26:31 > 0:26:33APPLAUSE
0:26:34 > 0:26:37The truth is, I'm on drugs.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40So yes, it's the earthworm.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Indeed it is an earthworm.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44The article also tells us
0:26:44 > 0:26:46that earthworms produce their own
0:26:46 > 0:26:47weight in casts.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50In case you're wondering, the cast of an earthworm is,
0:26:50 > 0:26:52much like the cast of Hollyoaks, shit.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55So, the final scores...
0:26:56 > 0:26:59- Are...- Well, that's one production you won't be in!
0:27:01 > 0:27:05Joe and Ian have six points, while Gyles and Paul have seven.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06APPLAUSE
0:27:12 > 0:27:17- But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.- Ohh!
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Oh, look. Do you know, let's not.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23- Let's just sit back and enjoy this picture.- Yeah, exactly.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27Let's not ruin it with any protest, just love it.
0:27:27 > 0:27:32What about "Mouse celebrates spring by tickling bum with pollen."
0:27:32 > 0:27:34APPLAUSE
0:27:41 > 0:27:46On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop
0:27:46 > 0:27:48and Joe Wilkinson, Paul Merton and Gyles Brandreth.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51And I leave you with news that John Kerry
0:27:51 > 0:27:55and William Hague can hardly contain their excitement at meeting me.
0:27:59 > 0:28:00At a factory in Enfield,
0:28:00 > 0:28:03a man models the world's most pointless hairnet.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10And as Piers Morgan's success in the States continues to grow,
0:28:10 > 0:28:13he moves his production company into a new office.
0:28:19 > 0:28:20Goodnight.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd