0:00:34 > 0:00:36Good evening.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41I'm Ray Winstone.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45In the news this week, at the beginning of a long sea voyage
0:00:45 > 0:00:47the crew of a fishing trawler
0:00:47 > 0:00:50discover the television is stuck on ITV2.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Kim Jong Un...
0:00:59 > 0:01:01LAUGHTER
0:01:01 > 0:01:04It's easy for you to say.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Informs the West that his signal to launch the nuclear strike
0:01:07 > 0:01:10will be delivered by their lightning-fast,
0:01:10 > 0:01:12high-tech communication methods.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20And in Tokyo, after three days,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23representatives from the Guinness Book of Records
0:01:23 > 0:01:26stand by to present the award for the world's longest yawn.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37On Ian's team tonight is a Sunday Times journalist
0:01:37 > 0:01:41who recently won an award for Hatchet Job of the Year.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44An award previously won by an East End acquaintance of mine,
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Dickie "the Axe-Man" Wilson.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Please welcome Camilla Long.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52APPLAUSE
0:01:56 > 0:02:00And with Paul tonight is a comedian who recently said that,
0:02:00 > 0:02:03"Television mainly serves the talentless."
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Welcome back, for the 11th time, Reginald D Hunter.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09APPLAUSE
0:02:11 > 0:02:14We start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Ian and Camilla, take a look at this.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- That's the White Heather Club. - Dancing, socks.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24- Osborne. No idea what that is. - Tiny tears, that's what it is.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- Oh, more Scottish dancing. - More dancing.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29- You're talking about dancing a lot, aren't you?- Yes.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Yeah, I'm sorry, we'll get on with it.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36If they go independent, the Chancellor has said to them,
0:02:36 > 0:02:39"Well, you can't have the pound."
0:02:39 > 0:02:42And Alex Salmond, who will be in charge of Scotland...
0:02:42 > 0:02:44his title isn't clear yet, he may be King.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Last year he was really keen on having the Euro
0:02:49 > 0:02:50but then something happened.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Do you think they'll give the opportunity for an alternative
0:02:54 > 0:02:57currency that none of us have ever heard of?
0:02:57 > 0:02:58- Yes. The Mars Bar.- Yes.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01So what do the Scots want?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Well, we don't know yet, we haven't asked them on the referendum.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Hold on a minute.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08They want independence as a nation...
0:03:08 > 0:03:11If I give the wrong answer, do you get out the pliers?
0:03:12 > 0:03:16They've given a with list of what they want. They want the Queen.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18They want the pound.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21They want to stay in NATO, they want to stay in the EU.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23I'm pretty pro-union so I see it as a joint enterprise,
0:03:23 > 0:03:25like a long marriage.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26About 300 years.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30No, it's a long argument in the kitchen, is what it is, to be fair.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32And who's won?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Well, it's usually the bird, innit?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40All right.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Why is George Osborne saying they can't have it?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47It's basically saying...it's a bit of a threat.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49It's saying, "Vote no and you'll be all right."
0:03:49 > 0:03:51So if Scotland becomes a separate country,
0:03:51 > 0:03:54he doesn't want the Scottish economy to drag us all down with it.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58But, to be fair, Scotland's economy does have its strengths -
0:03:58 > 0:04:01their chief exports being oil, whiskey, tartan, and tramps.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Sometimes combined in one glorious package.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11One for the audience -
0:04:11 > 0:04:14should we all be happy to let the Scots keep the pound or should
0:04:14 > 0:04:16we just tell them to bugger off?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Hands up who says bugger off.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Oh, no!
0:04:24 > 0:04:26So what's the latest economic news then?
0:04:26 > 0:04:30We nearly went into recession, but we didn't. So George Osborne says,
0:04:30 > 0:04:35"That's fine. We've got enormous growth of about 0.3%"
0:04:35 > 0:04:36It's bang on, yeah.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- Which is four-fifths of- BLEEP- all.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44APPLAUSE
0:04:44 > 0:04:46That's exactly right.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48What have we narrowly escaped?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Is it a Martian death ray?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- A triple-dip recession. - Right.- Right?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57So what's so bad about that?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59If you've got a series of dips, it's better to have two.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Rather than three.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Guacamole, hummus, no.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Don't do the third. No-one likes it.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12On learning that we avoided a triple-dip, Sky News went straight
0:05:12 > 0:05:17to their most serious-looking economic expert for a reaction.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23We're still apparently 1.2 trillion in debt
0:05:23 > 0:05:27and if we pay it back at this rate, how long will it take to clear it?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29It depends if we go to Wonga or not.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34400 years.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38So it's not really our problem, is it?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Despite all of this, loads of Bulgarians
0:05:44 > 0:05:47want to come here and live. But do you know why?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50- To meet Nigel Farage? - Have a look.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Mainly because of Top Gear, I'm not sure, because it's, you know,
0:05:54 > 0:05:58it's a great passion for me and I really, really like the presenters.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03But I thought Farage went to Bulgaria.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Farage went to Bulgaria, Cameron's followed him to see
0:06:07 > 0:06:09how people would respond to him
0:06:09 > 0:06:15and almost every Bulgarian said..."Do you want to come to England?"
0:06:15 > 0:06:19They said, "No, no, not at all, no, I don't want to."
0:06:19 > 0:06:23REGINALD: That was a very impressive facsimile you did of Bulgarians.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24I've been practicing.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28As I'm American, there's no subtext to my compliment. I meant it.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37So, what are hospitals thinking of doing to save money?
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Opening.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40- Closing.- Yeah.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Treat them? I don't know.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45That's the question, I need the answer, don't I?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49This is where it gets quite scary.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Yes, I know, I'm a bit frightened already.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- Don't you read the paper? - Uh, yes.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56I write bits of it.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00Turfing out old people who are only slightly ill,
0:07:00 > 0:07:02and putting them into hotels.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Yes, it's halfway between a nursing home and a hospital.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Apparently it costs 300 quid to spend the night in hospital
0:07:07 > 0:07:10and only 65 quid in the Premier Inn.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14This has been tried in several foreign countries
0:07:14 > 0:07:17and according to the Health Minister, Earl Howe -
0:07:20 > 0:07:22I'm ready when she is.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Right, staying with the NHS, what do they want to regulate more closely?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- Nurses.- No.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34They do, you know.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38Getting more near like what we do with how we look, you know?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- Plastic surgery.- Ah, see, babe, you're on the right track.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Thanks, "babe".
0:07:45 > 0:07:47You sexy, old Father Time.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53APPLAUSE
0:07:53 > 0:07:55I think the rest of us should just leave discreetly.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01Unlike my comment, their comments are full of subtext.
0:08:02 > 0:08:07Well, according to the NHS, medical director Sir Bruce Keogh...
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Are those two of the objects you can have put into your buttocks?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31What have Ed Balls and Ed Miliband been hintin' at?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- "Been..."? - "Been hinting at"?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35LAUGHTER
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- What have they been hinting at? - Don't know.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41So posh.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43You're wearing a suit.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45I can afford it.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48APPLAUSE
0:08:48 > 0:08:50That's cos you don't pay any tax.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52AUDIENCE OOHS
0:08:54 > 0:08:58That's the way he's dressed up, he was in court this morning.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Plea bargainin'.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- Give us a clue.- No.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- I am now sulky. - CAMILLA: Why?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09No, I'm going to tell you.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12They've been leaking and then denying that Labour will crank up
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- public spending if they get elected. - Ah, right.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Telling everyone right now that they are going to boost public spending
0:09:19 > 0:09:23is a big gamble so what are they waiting for?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Bet in play...NOW.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28What is the betting thing?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Have you done something with betting, Ray?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32- You haven't seen them?- No.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35- It's in the middle of football matches.- Yes, no.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Now, to put the tin hat on everything,
0:09:40 > 0:09:44what has the terrible weather we've had done to my breakfast?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Is that another cockney saying?
0:09:47 > 0:09:50"What has the weather done to me breakfast?"
0:09:50 > 0:09:52I'm going to take that back to Georgia
0:09:52 > 0:09:54and shock the hell out of them.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58This is about Weetabix, Ray.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01There'd been a very bad harvest because of the terrible weather,
0:10:01 > 0:10:02there hasn't been enough wheat,
0:10:02 > 0:10:04there isn't enough Weetabix
0:10:04 > 0:10:07so they've restricted it and you haven't got any.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Yeah.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10It's only going to posh people.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Congratulations, Ian.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I had six.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20What a bastard.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22What have the cereal manufacturers
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Happy Foods called their latest cereal?
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- Miserable.- Nah.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Well, here's the ad for it.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Brian and Corin Mullins invented a breakfast of champions.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36In 2009, the couple launched Holy Crap cereal
0:10:36 > 0:10:39as a healthy breakfast alternative.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43At what point are you meant to shout, "Holy crap"?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46When it arrives on the table? When you eat it? When you...?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48REGINALD: I think much later.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53APPLAUSE
0:10:53 > 0:10:57This is the row as to whether the independent Scotland
0:10:57 > 0:11:00would be able to use the pound as its currency.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Alex Salmond has called for the creation of a...
0:11:05 > 0:11:08..which sounds good but the way the economy's going,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11I think we'll be calling it Poundland.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Meanwhile, the Sun interviewed an economist in the ING Bank who
0:11:17 > 0:11:20said that, following the much-better-than-expected
0:11:20 > 0:11:230.3% increase in GDP...
0:11:28 > 0:11:30A moment's fine...
0:11:30 > 0:11:33but a lifetime's taking the piss.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34APPLAUSE
0:11:38 > 0:11:42- Paul and Reg.- Yeah.- Yes, sir.- Yeah, about time, eh?- Yeah, absolutely.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43- Take a look at this.- Right-o.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Right, I'll put some pressure on you all now.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49- Empty street, nothing happening. A house.- Sleepy neighbourhood.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- Sleepy...man on bike.- Yeah, it's a big high point of the today.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Eh, policeman dressed in 1940s fashion.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59Yeah, Britain before immigration. Aw, things was lovely.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04I think, judging by looking at this footage of things that aren't
0:12:04 > 0:12:07happening and the policeman at the end is probably the clue,
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- is it about falling crime rates? - Ah, you are good, Paul.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12You're much better than him.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Yeah, this is the news that rates of violent crime
0:12:16 > 0:12:19and murder are falling rapidly, apart from in my films.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23According to the UK Peace Index,
0:12:23 > 0:12:27- well, it's fallen by 25% in the past ten years.- That's pretty good.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30The number of police officers dropped by 6%.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- Do you think there's a link? - Well, there might be.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36But it still leaves 19% unaccounted for.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40Well, it might be that, um, the recession is affecting everybody.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Back home, my cousins,
0:12:41 > 0:12:45he got robbed by a man with a bullet...cos he didn't have a gun.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46He was like going...
0:12:48 > 0:12:50"Don't make me throw this at you."
0:12:59 > 0:13:04According to UK Peace Index, what is the most peaceful part of Britain?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07- It's Norfolk.- It's Norfolk.- Yeah.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11- And funny enough, it's...it's...eh, Brawland.- Where?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Bro...eh, Brooklyn...Broland.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- How do you say that? - AUDIENCE MEMBER: Broadland.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18Broadland, ah!
0:13:18 > 0:13:22Just eight violent crimes were recorded in 2012, right?
0:13:22 > 0:13:26Here's one of the top stories this week in their local newspaper...
0:13:29 > 0:13:31..and here's the shocking scene...
0:13:35 > 0:13:39At one point, the waves were crashing into the vehicle up
0:13:39 > 0:13:41to a height of six inches.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42LAUGHTER
0:13:42 > 0:13:47Why does Tory county councillor John Cherry fear a rise in crime?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Because ethnic minority children are being bussed down to Swanage
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- or somewhere where he lives... - Sussex.
0:13:52 > 0:13:57Sussex...and he has objected to this in the strongest possible terms
0:13:57 > 0:14:00and not very friendly terms, I think.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Is he also worried because somebody's recently stuck a bridge through his head?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05LAUGHTER
0:14:06 > 0:14:09He's too proud to admit it but he has to go there every rush hour
0:14:09 > 0:14:12and stand there for half an hour. He's too proud to admit it.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16The inner city school in Stockwell, London plans to open its own
0:14:16 > 0:14:18boarding school in a posh part of West Sussex
0:14:18 > 0:14:20and send 600 of its pupils there.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22John Cherry told the Mail on Sunday...
0:14:35 > 0:14:37John Cherry is no longer a member
0:14:37 > 0:14:41of the Conservative Party - although he is still a councillor...
0:14:41 > 0:14:43and a prat.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46APPLAUSE
0:14:48 > 0:14:51This is a study which shows that violent crime has fallen
0:14:51 > 0:14:53throughout the UK.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Sexual crime has also fallen,
0:14:55 > 0:14:59although that's largely due to Top of the Pops being cancelled.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08Meanwhile, the legal battle over Abu Qatada continues.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Shadow Home Secretary Yvette Cooper
0:15:10 > 0:15:13mocked the Government's failing, saying...
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Something everyone would like to see,
0:15:20 > 0:15:22except perhaps the other passengers.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Right, round two's coming up.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29How's that going to pan out?
0:15:29 > 0:15:33The latest odds are on your screen now.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35You're not encouraging the audience to bet, are you?
0:15:37 > 0:15:40This next round is the strengthometer of news.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Fingers on the buzzers, team - here's the first one.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48BUZZER
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Oh, yes, this is the rather unfortunate graphic
0:15:51 > 0:15:53that's turned Lord Leveson's head into an arse, but...
0:15:53 > 0:15:55LAUGHTER
0:15:55 > 0:15:58This is David Sherborne - he was acting for most of the celebrities -
0:15:58 > 0:16:02- and her name is...? - Carine Patry Hoskins.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Thank you. Who was acting for the inquiry -
0:16:05 > 0:16:07she was assisting Lord Leveson.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10And...the feeling is that there was a, sort of,
0:16:10 > 0:16:14perceived conflict of interest when someone acting for one party is...
0:16:14 > 0:16:16is in a relationship with the other.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19But they rather confused things by saying they weren't
0:16:19 > 0:16:23in a relationship, they'd gone to the Greek island of Santorini...
0:16:23 > 0:16:25together, secretly,
0:16:25 > 0:16:28to discuss whether they should have a relationship(!)
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Were they drawn to each other
0:16:30 > 0:16:33because their heads don't fit properly on their bodies?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Let's get a helium balloon, in the shape of Lord Leveson,
0:16:37 > 0:16:38and just have them...
0:16:38 > 0:16:39DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:16:39 > 0:16:43The question is - how do you manage to go to Santorini and NOT have sex?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46I mean, it's a complete pants-off place.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- Have you been?- I've been, alone.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52REGINALD: A lot of people seem to feel,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55if they really want to have the kind of sex that they want to have,
0:16:55 > 0:16:58they have to leave the country - like they go to Spain, or somewhere.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59British people do that a lot.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02It's like, "Oh, my God, I don't want people to know I enjoy sex,
0:17:02 > 0:17:04"so I'm going to go to Thailand or...
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- "I've got an erection, get me to the airport."- Yeah.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Fingers on the buzzers, team.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19There is a brilliant poodle that makes dresses
0:17:19 > 0:17:21but it can only stick with one pattern.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23And it's made...
0:17:24 > 0:17:27It's made a dress for her and it's made the shirt for him.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29REGINALD: Yeah, what do you think about that?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31I know what I think about it and I said it!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- I think it's a better answer. - Oh, OK.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37This is the news that married couple Nancy and Donald Featherstone
0:17:37 > 0:17:40wore matching clothes for 35 years.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Here they are on holiday.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43AUDIENCE GROANS
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Is that Santorini?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Now, what is Donald's claim to fame? Apart from this, obviously.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52He used to wear other clothes.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- He invented something - you see him in Africa.- A flamingo!?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57He invented flamingos?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01- Here are the couple with the ornaments.- Ah.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03He looks like he's been run over.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- He's got a tyre mark right across his...- Yeah.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12I have a feeling that this is her idea.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
0:18:17 > 0:18:23Paul and Rich, your four are Luis Suarez,
0:18:23 > 0:18:25the West Midlands police officer, Mark Thompson
0:18:25 > 0:18:27and Peach the Alsatian.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Well, Suarez, of course, is in the news...
0:18:29 > 0:18:33he bit a Chelsea player on the arm last week during a match at Anfield.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Mark Thompson used to be Director General of the BBC -
0:18:35 > 0:18:37he once bit somebody else on the arm,
0:18:37 > 0:18:39I think, during a journalistic argument somewhere.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41I don't know about the policeman, or the dog,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43but I'd guess the dog's odd one out
0:18:43 > 0:18:45- because it doesn't bite any people, it's got no teeth.- No.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46I give up then.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48They've all bitten someone apart
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- from the West Midlands police officer...- Who was bitten?
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Yeah, he was bitten by a flea in a police station.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Was the flea helping police with enquiries at the time?
0:18:58 > 0:19:01It turned out, this week, that a lot of policemen are suing
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- their employers for what we would consider minor infringements.- Yes.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07This bloke was bitten by a flea and he sued his own police authority.
0:19:07 > 0:19:12Yeah, he sued West Midlands Police and received an £8,000 payout.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- So, Luis Suarez.- Yeah.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Now, we're not allowed to show you the footage -
0:19:16 > 0:19:18here's an artist's representation.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23I mean, what was the general reaction?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Well, I was delighted because I bet on it.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29I put 100 monkeys...
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Those busy little bees on Twitter to Photoshopping him
0:19:35 > 0:19:37in various ways, here's one...
0:19:39 > 0:19:40And another...
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- Peach the Alsatian.- Yes.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Now, police officers in West Yorkshire became exasperated
0:19:49 > 0:19:53when prosecutors asked for an account of the crime from a
0:19:53 > 0:19:58PC Peach, not realising Peach was, in fact, the name of the police dog.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Here is the witness statement the Crown Prosecution Service
0:20:01 > 0:20:02complained about...
0:20:13 > 0:20:17It makes a change from, "He drunk, he stumble in cells, he dead -
0:20:17 > 0:20:18"I never touched him."
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Ian and Camilla, here are yours.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29Cliff Richard, the Oxford cox,
0:20:29 > 0:20:33the Norwegian log fire and the new Dutch king's inaugural song.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39- The new Dutch king had a song for his coronation.- Yeah.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41A special song and decided he hated it.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45- The Oxford cox - he swore a lot during the race this year.- Yes.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Swore like a porn star...
0:20:46 > 0:20:48all the way through.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Is Cliff Richard the only one who's been uncomfortable
0:20:50 > 0:20:53because he's been placed directly above a fire?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59"We're All Going On A Summer Barbeque"?
0:20:59 > 0:21:03Isn't there a Norwegian TV show about logs and getting logs
0:21:03 > 0:21:05and putting them in a fire?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08And they complained about the way the logs were stacked.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09That's exactly right.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12But no-one has ever complained about Cliff because he's great.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13So, who's the odd one out then?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Cliff, because he's going on a summer holiday...
0:21:17 > 0:21:18..and we're not.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Right, well, they've all caused an audience to complain
0:21:21 > 0:21:23but it's about people moaning...
0:21:23 > 0:21:26You know, Cliff isn't known for making people known, is he?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28But they have all caused...
0:21:28 > 0:21:29DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:21:29 > 0:21:32But they have all caused an audience to complain,
0:21:32 > 0:21:35apart from Cliff Richard, whose music causes audiences to die.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39Have you got any evidence for that?
0:21:39 > 0:21:43Yes, those people who heard Bachelor Boy 1961 who are no longer with us.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46According to Gardeners' Question Time,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49a study conducted on the effect of music on plants
0:21:49 > 0:21:53revealed that the plants which had been played Cliff's music...
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Whereas the ones in the Black Sabbath greenhouse all flourished.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04All the plants in Snoop Dogg's greenhouse were impounded by police.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06A Norwegian log fire.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10This is a log fire that was aired for eight hours
0:22:10 > 0:22:13on Norwegian TV during the peak Friday night slot.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16The programme, you know, it divided the nation.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24An expert said...
0:22:30 > 0:22:32The Dutch King's Song, a song composed to mark
0:22:32 > 0:22:35the inauguration of the new King of the Netherlands was
0:22:35 > 0:22:39withdrawn by the composer after it attracted a storm of criticism.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Let's have a look.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43MUSIC: "Het Koningslied" by John Ewbank
0:22:43 > 0:22:44THEY SING IN DUTCH
0:22:59 > 0:23:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:05 > 0:23:08As long as they are both willing participants.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12Perhaps he is trying to get a reduction on his car insurance.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15APPLAUSE
0:23:18 > 0:23:23According to the Daily Telegraph, in musical terms, the song is...
0:23:26 > 0:23:29..known as crap.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31- I think I'd rather like that. - What?- Zadok the- BLEEP.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38I think that would be really good.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:50 > 0:23:52You'll never guess what I just imagined.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56I imagined that was empty.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59That's the best reaction I have ever got out of Paul.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01- You have never said- BLEEP- before.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Well, that has guaranteed that to be in otherwise you
0:24:08 > 0:24:10wouldn't explain this to anybody.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16- Oh, dear. - The Missing Word round is coming up.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- Oh, yes, I'd forgotten about that. - Who is going to be the daddy?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21The latest odds on your screen now.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Have a bang on that.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28This week's guest publication is the Teddy Bear Times.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32To be honest, inside it is mostly padding.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33And we start with...
0:24:35 > 0:24:37CAMILLA: Oh, yes, isn't it the man
0:24:37 > 0:24:39who said the rude word presenting the news?
0:24:39 > 0:24:44This is newsreader AJ Clemente on his first anchoring shift.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Let's see how he got on.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50You're watching the evening Sunday on NBC North Dakota news.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Your news leader in high definition.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54OK, BLEEP, shit.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Good evening. I'm, Van Tieu.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57LAUGHTER
0:24:57 > 0:25:00..AJ on NBC North Dakota News
0:25:00 > 0:25:03and he'll be joining the weekend news team as my co-anchor.
0:25:03 > 0:25:08- Tell us a little bit about yourself, AJ.- Thanks, Van, I'm very excited.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12I graduated from West Virginia University and I'm used to, um,
0:25:12 > 0:25:15you know, from being from the East Coast.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17OK, well, welcome aboard, AJ.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23- She seems to already know that his ass is gone.- Yeah.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Absolutely.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28I think if he had been really clever
0:25:28 > 0:25:30after he had sort of accidentally sworn - "The news in just now -
0:25:30 > 0:25:33"Newsreader swears at beginning of live broadcast.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36"Reactions coming in in a moment." That's what I would have done.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38But I think newsreaders should.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40It would be more interesting if they swore. Like,
0:25:40 > 0:25:41"This bullshit just in."
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Do you know what though? Next...
0:25:48 > 0:25:53There was the ex-Tory MP Louise Mensch. It is not her, is it?
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- I can't believe you got it that quick.- She has had her face done.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59I sat next to her here. I had no idea.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01That you were sitting next to her?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03I didn't know she was...
0:26:03 > 0:26:07I'm not surprised, the way you carry on, you foul-mouthed devil.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08One law for the rich
0:26:08 > 0:26:12and another law for people who are hosting shows in North Dakota.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15And finally...
0:26:18 > 0:26:20- Is the name of a bear?- Must be.- No.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24It is something to do with comfort and it will keep you nice and...
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- Warm.- Cosy.- Yeah, say you was on a boat somewhere.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Where does a boat sail?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31- A harbour. Sea.- Yeah, sea. Yeah, yeah.- Dry.- Will keep you...
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Where would you like to be when you are at sea?
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Keep you... On a... I'm on a boat. I'm on a boat.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40The waves are coming in, look.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42APPLAUSE
0:26:42 > 0:26:43I can't believe I did that again.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45APPLAUSE
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Three times.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Is that the answer?
0:26:51 > 0:26:52- No.- Oh.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Will keep you warm at sea.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58This is, of course, designer Gay Wimpory who has
0:26:58 > 0:27:01created this teddy bear sailor jacket for when
0:27:01 > 0:27:03the sea breezes get a bit chilly.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07The sailor teddy actually owns a pair of trousers as well
0:27:07 > 0:27:09but he has just taken them off
0:27:09 > 0:27:12and he is waiting his turn in the teddy bear brothel.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16The final scores are
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Paul and Reginald, six,
0:27:18 > 0:27:21- Ian and Camilla... - HE CHUCKLES
0:27:21 > 0:27:22..eight.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25APPLAUSE
0:27:26 > 0:27:29There is time for the caption competition.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Ian and Camilla have this.
0:27:31 > 0:27:35They're all saying, "Are you going to her funeral? No. No. Not me."
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Paul and Reg get that.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Reginald wasn't like the other chickens.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45REG: When he opened his eyes,
0:27:45 > 0:27:49he realised he had not been granted quite the wish he had asked for.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Ian Hislop and Camilla Long,
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Paul Merton and Reginald D Hunter
0:27:58 > 0:28:02and I leave you with news that Boris Johnson is very keen to
0:28:02 > 0:28:05try out a new fare-dodging scheme currently on trial in Asia.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12In Berlin, there is evidence that Germany's prune shortage is
0:28:12 > 0:28:14beginning to have an effect.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20And a new arrival settles in to Battersea Dogs Home.
0:28:20 > 0:28:24Ray the Jack Russell makes it very clear who's the daddy.
0:28:24 > 0:28:25Blinding geezer.
0:28:28 > 0:28:29Good night.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd