0:00:36 > 0:00:40Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jo Brand.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44In the news this week - in Salford, a local reporter double-checks
0:00:44 > 0:00:48when the BBC's new head of pronunciation will start work.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Tomorra'.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Tomorrow.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Tomorra'.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54- Tomorrow.- Tomorra'.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57It's "Tomorrow."
0:00:57 > 0:00:58No, it's "Tomorra."
0:00:58 > 0:00:59LAUGHTER
0:01:01 > 0:01:04The man who invested millions in the Spice Girls musical,
0:01:04 > 0:01:07demonstrates what he'd do if he met them now.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Bang, bang, bang, bang.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11LAUGHTER
0:01:11 > 0:01:13And on a street in Tunisia,
0:01:13 > 0:01:17a women is seen trying to reverse into a parking space.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20LAUGHTER
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Oh, yes, yes, yes.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29On Ian's team tonight is A Conservative MP who has been
0:01:29 > 0:01:31described as "a right-wing Euro-sceptic,
0:01:32 > 0:01:36"with strange hair it's impossible to avoid referring to".
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Oh, and he also has strange hair.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Will you please welcome - Michael Fabricant and his strange hair.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45APPLAUSE
0:01:48 > 0:01:52And with Paul tonight is a poet who recently said that Shakespeare
0:01:52 > 0:01:56and Baudelaire are the only poets he thinks are better than him.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Which is debatable, but he's cheaper and the other two are dead.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02So, please welcome John Cooper Clarke.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04APPLAUSE
0:02:09 > 0:02:11And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Ian and Michael, take a look at this.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- Yes.- Ah.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17- Nigel Farage.- Yes.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Oh, this is the crushing defeat of the Conservative party.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Now look, I'm vice chairman,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25supposed to be in charge of parliamentary campaigning for...
0:02:25 > 0:02:27So, a good night for you then?
0:02:27 > 0:02:28How do you think it went?
0:02:28 > 0:02:32I think it went, eh... Shall we discuss my hair?
0:02:32 > 0:02:33LAUGHTER
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Yes, this is the government's rightward lurch,
0:02:36 > 0:02:38otherwise known as David Cameron.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Which hoary old chestnut has
0:02:40 > 0:02:44re-emerged to haunt David Cameron?
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Europe.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Well, it's Nigel Lawson, actually.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Despite being 81, he has now changed his mind,
0:02:50 > 0:02:51proving he's a proper Tory.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53He says, we should leave Europe
0:02:53 > 0:02:57and that'll get the core vote back to your lot.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Let me ask you a question -
0:02:59 > 0:03:02what has David Cameron made the Queen do this week?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Well, she had to make a speech.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05That's right.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07But it was mercifully short, I thought.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10It contains measures on controlling rights of immigrants to the benefits
0:03:10 > 0:03:12system and scrapping widows' pensions
0:03:12 > 0:03:14for foreigners living abroad.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18So, Michael if you married an exotic Filipino dancer on a business trip
0:03:18 > 0:03:22to Manila and then snuffed it, she wouldn't get your pension.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Quite right, some might say.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Speaking of trips abroad, what's this about you
0:03:28 > 0:03:29and a jar of Coffee-Mate?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Oh. well...
0:03:31 > 0:03:33I was walking in Columbia, and it wasn't a jar of Coffee-Mate,
0:03:33 > 0:03:39I'd rather stupidly put it in little sachets, because...
0:03:39 > 0:03:41LAUGHTER
0:03:41 > 0:03:45I was walking in the jungle and these armed guys came along
0:03:45 > 0:03:49and they looked in my backpack and they we were saying, "What is this?"
0:03:49 > 0:03:52And I reacted in my usual way, so they were convinced that I was...
0:03:52 > 0:03:53On drugs!
0:03:53 > 0:03:54..on drugs.
0:03:54 > 0:03:55LAUGHTER
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Who was the person you were with?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00I will not reveal it at this particular point in time,
0:04:00 > 0:04:02as he will be embarrassed.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04What, to have gone there with you?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Probably.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09What else are the government pledging to get rid of?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11They're always doing this.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- Ah. We're getting rid of red tape. - Absolutely.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14We're always doing that.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Well, we're going to do it this time!
0:04:19 > 0:04:22What problems might new proposed government legislation have
0:04:22 > 0:04:24caused this man, for example?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Oh, he's a landlord, isn't he?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- He is.- Rossiter in Rising Damp.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Yes, landlords are being asked to check the legal
0:04:31 > 0:04:35status of anybody coming from abroad that's renting rooms from them.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38That's right, which will involve landlords filling in a lot
0:04:38 > 0:04:41of forms, which will involve them in quite a lot of red tape.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Yeah, but look at this picture again - they look foreign to me!
0:04:45 > 0:04:46A SMATTERING OF LAUGHTER
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- Which ones?- I'd rather not say.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Yeah, I'd imagine you wouldn't!
0:04:51 > 0:04:55Are you a real person? You're not, like, a character actor?
0:04:55 > 0:04:56LAUGHTER
0:04:56 > 0:04:57This isn't like...
0:04:57 > 0:05:00APPLAUSE
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Now, let me ask you - what wasn't mentioned in the Queen's speech?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05The career of Kirk Douglas.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Technically, that is correct.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Never gets mentioned at all, it's as if he never even made a film.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- Gay marriage.- Indeed. That's right.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19But that's because it's already going through, you see.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22So, it wasn't new legislation.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25So, it wasn't just an attempt to look a bit tougher?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27- No, we're trying to look hunky. - Look a bit butcher.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Well, I've been asked to look very hunky,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32don't you think I'm succeeding?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34LAUGHTER
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Do you know, I'm so worried, I have no response!
0:05:36 > 0:05:39LAUGHTER
0:05:39 > 0:05:43I'm the new butch-look of the Conservative Party.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Oh, dear, what do the camp ones look like?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48LAUGHTER
0:05:50 > 0:05:53The Queen's speech was actually written
0:05:53 > 0:05:55before the elections last week.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56How do we know this?
0:05:56 > 0:06:00It takes several days for the ink to dry on the vellum.
0:06:00 > 0:06:05It does take three days to dry out. a bit like the old Queen Mother.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07LAUGHTER
0:06:07 > 0:06:08So...
0:06:08 > 0:06:10back to UKIP, briefly.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Michael, you were one of the first to suggest a pact with UKIP
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- last year, weren't you? - Didn't go well.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17You said...
0:06:23 > 0:06:24- Yep.- Ooh.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- All parties have them. - Not the BNP though, surely?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29LAUGHTER
0:06:29 > 0:06:32And now, Nadine Dorries, she's back in the Tory fold,
0:06:32 > 0:06:35which I'm sure everyone's very pleased about.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Which other high-calibre names are lining up to be
0:06:38 > 0:06:41UKIP General Election candidates? Do you know?
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Both the Hamiltons.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44- That's right.- Christine and Neil.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Yes, you groan!
0:06:47 > 0:06:51But come the Farage cabinet, you'll be looking at the Home Secretary...
0:06:51 > 0:06:53LAUGHTER
0:06:53 > 0:06:56..and the First Lord of The Admiralty.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58That's Christine!
0:06:58 > 0:07:00LAUGHTER
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Why shouldn't the government be too worried
0:07:04 > 0:07:06about UKIP in a General Election?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Because, if the get the same percentage of the vote,
0:07:09 > 0:07:12which is about 23% of the vote, they won't get any seats at all.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16So, quarter of the country can vote for you, and you get nothing.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Which shows the system's working.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20But the good news is...
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Is what? That you're still in?
0:07:22 > 0:07:26..is that the BNP would get in if you went for a proportional
0:07:26 > 0:07:27representational system.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31Right. So, you're saying better to keep it as it is?
0:07:31 > 0:07:32I'm just saying...
0:07:32 > 0:07:35I'm just saying that the British public...
0:07:35 > 0:07:37I'm putting on my Conservative Party voice, now.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40The British public know what parties to
0:07:40 > 0:07:44support that will be reasonable and moderate.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46And that's all I want to say at this time.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49The thing that amazes me about MPs is that they don't seem to
0:07:49 > 0:07:51have any idea how embarrassing they are in public!
0:07:51 > 0:07:53LAUGHTER
0:07:53 > 0:07:55They have no idea!
0:07:55 > 0:07:57APPLAUSE
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Nigel Lawson spoke out against the EU this week,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02saying it was...
0:08:02 > 0:08:08That's Nigel Lawson, best before October 1989.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Meanwhile, a jubilant Nigel Farage
0:08:10 > 0:08:12was still celebrating UKIP's success.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15According to the Sunday Express, he spent the weekend...
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Take that, EU fishing quota.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Er, Paul and John, take a look at this.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28Yes, it's the Queen and Prince Philip having a little wave.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30That's working out the scaffold, shouldn't be there for that.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34That's Prince Charles dancing with somebody - a close admirer.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36And he admires her. And there's Camilla...
0:08:36 > 0:08:39yes, that would seem to be about the Queen and Prince Charles, basically.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42She's not going to the Commonwealth something this year,
0:08:42 > 0:08:44which is the first one she's missed in 40 years,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46promoting thoughts that she might be cutting down
0:08:46 > 0:08:48on longer air journeys now that she's 87.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52That's basically it, scaling down her royal duties.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54What did she do during the state opening of parliament,
0:08:54 > 0:08:58in a sign that she may want to hand over some of her workload?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Abseiled down the front of Big Ben?
0:09:00 > 0:09:05Screaming, "I've had enough! They're all bleeding bonkers in there."
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Why is Charles particularly keen to attend
0:09:08 > 0:09:10the Commonwealth Heads of Government Conference?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Well, he's head of the Commonwealth, not just of Britain.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17So he's got to - they've all got to vote to make him, um...
0:09:17 > 0:09:19- Head of the Commonwealth. - Yes, he doesn't have automatic right
0:09:19 > 0:09:23to become Head of the Commonwealth after the Queen's death.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- They could give it to anyone. - Exactly.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Christine Hamilton.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29I like the idea of her meeting Mugabe.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35"Oh, you're a mass murderer."
0:09:35 > 0:09:37"And I'm Robert Mugabe."
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Um...
0:09:43 > 0:09:45There should be a whole series of jokes
0:09:45 > 0:09:47that end up with the punch line, "And I'm Robert Mugabe."
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Let's try and think of a few, as we go through.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51I'll have a think when he starts talking again.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54That'll give me a couple of minutes.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58What did Dame Helen Mirren do while dressed as the Queen?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01She was doing the Audience in the West End of London.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Reprising her role as Her Majesty the Queen,
0:10:04 > 0:10:10- and a bunch of gay drummers was drowning her out.- Mm.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12And she come out and complained about it.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14- She told 'em to- BLEEP- off.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- How do they know it wasn't the Queen?- Precisely, yeah.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21One bystander told the Times...
0:10:33 > 0:10:36That's quite expensive, isn't it? £100.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37How much are you, John?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39How much to see you perform?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I've never paid...
0:10:41 > 0:10:44LAUGHTER
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- It's about, what - about a score. - About a score.- About a score.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- Yeah.- And how many poems do you get?
0:10:51 > 0:10:55About...19 yards of poetry.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57They get.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00And what speed are you doing over those 19 yards?
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- Negotiable.- Oh, right.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- No, I was a fan, a long time ago.- Oh, thanks.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Still am, obviously.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Yeah, I was going to say, where did I blot me copybook?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Are you a fan?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Er - yes.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Can't even say "yes" with conviction!
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Cos - cos I know you're going to say,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24"Well, recite some of his poetry, then."
0:11:24 > 0:11:26That's what I knew was coming.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28- I'll be asking you questions later. - Exactly.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31- I've written the wedding favourite, one called I Wanna Be Yours.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34I'm not going to recite it, but it's compulsory on the GCSEs still,
0:11:34 > 0:11:37as Michael Gove will be glad to hear.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42It is to modern weddings what Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life
0:11:42 > 0:11:45by Eric Idle is to humanist funerals.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53You won't know about that, I'm 64, I could go to seven a week.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58If I really wanted to.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01No man can live on vol-au-vents alone.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Anyway, listen, Andrew, Prince Andrew's had a bit of good luck
0:12:07 > 0:12:10this week. Does anyone know what he's become?
0:12:10 > 0:12:14Yeah, he's become a Fellow of the Royal Society of Science, I think.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16That's right. And actually,
0:12:16 > 0:12:19many senior members are royally pissed off about it.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Yes, they are.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Professor of Science James Wilsdon commented...
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Adding, anyway, welcome, Your Highness.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Um...
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Would you care for a vol-au-vent?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43What was the complaint about the ballot paper?
0:12:43 > 0:12:44That it was rigged.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47According to the Times, actually...
0:12:55 > 0:12:58So, unable to vote "no", the results were as follows...
0:13:06 > 0:13:10And in a final bit of royal news, what has the Welsh Rugby Union
0:13:10 > 0:13:11unveiled this week?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- Oh, a portrait of the Queen. - It is indeed.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- Oh, yeah... - It doesn't look anything like her.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21It's a new portrait of the Queen painted by the Welsh-born
0:13:21 > 0:13:24artist Dan Llewellyn Hall and commissioned by the
0:13:24 > 0:13:29Welsh Rugby Union and, fittingly, makes her look like a scrum half.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34It's a picture of David Walliams, isn't it?
0:13:34 > 0:13:37The world of science was rocked this week by the decision to elect
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Prince Andrew as a Fellow of the Royal Society.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43According to the Times, one explanation for the "yes"
0:13:43 > 0:13:44vote was that...
0:13:47 > 0:13:49An absurd way to set out a ballot paper.
0:13:49 > 0:13:54Although Alex Salmond has already put in an order for five million.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Meanwhile, Helen Mirren stormed out of her West End play this week,
0:13:58 > 0:14:01in order to shout at a group of drummers publicising a gay festival.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03The organiser said...
0:14:11 > 0:14:14What, a screaming queen on a gay parade?
0:14:14 > 0:14:15That is a shock.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24And so to Round Two, the One-Armed Bandit of News.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Here's the first one.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34BUZZER
0:14:34 > 0:14:37That's a mocked-up Alex Ferguson, Sir Alex Ferguson,
0:14:37 > 0:14:40English football's most successful manager, has just resigned.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42He's retired after 26-odd years of being at the top.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46So basically, yes, he's retiring, which is very unusual in football.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48They usually get the sack before they get to retire.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- Absolutely. - Are you a Man United fan?- Of course.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- Are you?- I'm such a United fan...
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- Yeah.- ..I moved out of Manchester.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Why was his departure a shock?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Cos he denied it three days earlier.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04That's right - he told fans that he was...
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Though he is having a hip operation, so...
0:15:14 > 0:15:16- But he's also had a pacemaker fitted.- Yes.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19As always, looking to gain some additional time.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- How long has he been manager for? - 27 years.
0:15:24 > 0:15:2626 years and six months -
0:15:26 > 0:15:30beating the second-longest serving manager by 26 years.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Ed Miliband tweeted...
0:15:41 > 0:15:43At which point, someone had to tell him he hadn't died.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- So can we do a quick Fergie quiz? - Yes please.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52What did Gordon Brown give Sir Alex Ferguson
0:15:52 > 0:15:54again and again and again?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Abusive notes in the post.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02Gordon Brown sent him numerous CDs about the assassination of JFK.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Fergie said...
0:16:08 > 0:16:11On every one, he's crossed out "Kennedy" and written "Blair".
0:16:14 > 0:16:17And what does Alex Ferguson keep by his bed?
0:16:17 > 0:16:18His wife.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Hopefully he keeps her in his bed, not by it.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28She has to stand here all night?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32She's on the subs bench until she...
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Calls her on.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36LAUGHTER
0:16:36 > 0:16:43No - he keeps by his bed JFK's autopsy report.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Now, can anyone here impersonate a Liverpudlian?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50I have to tell you that Jon Snow can't -
0:16:50 > 0:16:54here he is, discussing Alex Ferguson's departure.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Well, I was driven here by a Liverpool supporter, who said...
0:16:58 > 0:17:00BAD LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: "Oh, I hope they take Moyes,
0:17:00 > 0:17:03"because they could really do without him."
0:17:03 > 0:17:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:07 > 0:17:10IMITATES PIRATE: "When the tide is high,
0:17:10 > 0:17:14"and the crow flies towards the horizon,
0:17:14 > 0:17:17"there will be a change of management...argh!"
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Fingers on buzzers, teams...
0:17:26 > 0:17:28BUZZER
0:17:28 > 0:17:30I don't know what that is - oh, yes I do.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33It's Trafalgar Square and there's a big Christmas decoration on it.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- It's an onion.- Why is it on top of Nelson's Column, then?
0:17:35 > 0:17:40Well, it's to do with a soon-to-be-auctioned letter,
0:17:40 > 0:17:44that has revealed that on the eve of his fatal victory at Trafalgar,
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Nelson was preoccupied, trying to stop people using...
0:17:50 > 0:17:54What emergency is served best by an onion?
0:17:54 > 0:17:58- Well, it's not that much of an emergency, but scurvy.- Oh, yes.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Obviously was treated by onions,
0:18:00 > 0:18:02which are a good source of vitamin C,
0:18:02 > 0:18:06and emergency onions became such a preoccupation for Nelson,
0:18:06 > 0:18:10he only said "Kiss me, Hardy" to establish if he'd been eating them.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13On the subject of famous people and food,
0:18:13 > 0:18:17a New York artist has been photographing famous people's riders
0:18:17 > 0:18:18- for an exhibition.- Oh, right.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20I'm going to give you the rider
0:18:20 > 0:18:22and I want you to give me the famous person.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- OK.- This is the first one -
0:18:24 > 0:18:28a bottle of Absolute, Jack Daniel's, Chivas Regal, Courvoisier
0:18:28 > 0:18:29and cough drops.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30BUZZER
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Ann Widdecombe.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36- It's Frank Sinatra.- Frank Sinatra.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37OK, here's the next one -
0:18:37 > 0:18:41fish and chips, McDonalds' cheeseburgers without the buns,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43100 prunes and figs
0:18:43 > 0:18:46and a framed photo of Princess Diana.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49- Elton John.- No.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52Britney Spears.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54It is Britney Spears - well done.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57You're the man, Paul. You the man.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59APPLAUSE
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Ok, here we go - boiled eggs, turkey bacon and turkey sausage,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05ready at any time throughout the day.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06Bernard Matthews.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12It's another slightly bonkers American - young woman singer.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14How old's Avril Lavigne?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Is that a question for the police?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23APPLAUSE
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I'll tell you - it's Rihanna.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- I know these fad diets. - You've never been on a diet.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29The Donut Diet -
0:19:29 > 0:19:31a third of it is not there.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35IMITATES JOHN: A third of it is not there, it's all air.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39There's a guy going into business.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46OK, this is the memo about onions written by Lord Nelson
0:19:46 > 0:19:47on the eve of Trafalgar.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49The Navy bought its onions in bulk -
0:19:49 > 0:19:53the onions were brought alongside the ships on long, low boats,
0:19:53 > 0:19:55sort of "onion bhajis".
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08PAUL LAUGHS
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- Is that a celeriac? - Isn't that an artichoke?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Is it an artichoke?
0:20:13 > 0:20:14AUDIENCE: Fennel!
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Oh, it's fennel. No, it's fennel.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Welcome to another edition of "Is It Fennel Or Not?"
0:20:22 > 0:20:25We judge fennel, they say no - if you think you've got it right,
0:20:25 > 0:20:27phone now!
0:20:27 > 0:20:31It's the news that plants can sort of...talk, communicate.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36"Plants can sort of talk" - how scientific is this?
0:20:36 > 0:20:40It's a paper by Prince Andrew.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42APPLAUSE
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Must be right, must be right.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Australian scientists have discovered
0:20:47 > 0:20:50that plants are capable of basic communication.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Blimey, I didn't even know Australians were capable of that.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03BUZZER
0:21:03 > 0:21:06This is the closing of the Spice Girls' musical, isn't it?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Viva Forever...or six months.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11When it opened, the Sunday Times said it was...
0:21:16 > 0:21:17And the Mirror said it was...
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Apparently the show was so bad,
0:21:25 > 0:21:30the desperate audience begged a gay parade to come a drum outside.
0:21:31 > 0:21:36Meanwhile, what has been described as "the most sexist show ever"?
0:21:36 > 0:21:37The most sexist show ever.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40It's a show that's on in Denmark at the moment.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Ladies, You're Not Good.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Actually, yes, it's kind of...
0:21:47 > 0:21:49It's not that far off -
0:21:49 > 0:21:51it's a Danish show called "Blachman",
0:21:51 > 0:21:55which sees naked women paraded in front of two men,
0:21:55 > 0:21:57who appraise their bodies.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Let's show you a picture of that.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02That would, of course, never be allowed on the BBC.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Although that was how they interviewed secretaries in the '70s.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07LAUGHTER
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Comments from Thomas Blachman include...
0:22:13 > 0:22:15LAUGHTER
0:22:15 > 0:22:16And...
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I am popping over to audition for that.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23- That'll- BLEEP- him up.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26LAUGHTER
0:22:26 > 0:22:28APPLAUSE
0:22:28 > 0:22:32Right, time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Your four are sausages in the Scottish Parliament,
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Cherie Blair's eyes,
0:22:38 > 0:22:39a house in Devon
0:22:39 > 0:22:42and some double yellow lines in Swindon.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46LAUGHTER
0:22:47 > 0:22:50MICHAEL FABRICANT: I know about the house in Devon.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54The owners repainted it and the local council said it is too pink.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57So this is about something being repainted.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- Is there a portrait of Cherie where they repainted the eyes?- Yes.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01To make it look more like her?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Well, it is her eyes and they were the wrong colour. Yes.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Who is going to have a stab at the odd one out?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- The odd one out is the sausages. - The sausages.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10No.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- The lines. - The lines are the odd one out.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15They have all had their colour criticised apart from the
0:23:15 > 0:23:18yellow lines which were the right colour but in the wrong place.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Here they are.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23According to the Mail...
0:23:29 > 0:23:32A sausage in the Scottish Parliament.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35One diner complained about the sausage colour. Another said...
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Though the most frequent complaint was,
0:23:39 > 0:23:41"Found salad on my plate."
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Cherie Blair's eyes in a recent portrait
0:23:46 > 0:23:48by the artist Adam Birtwistle.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51She pointed out her eyes were painted the wrong colour
0:23:51 > 0:23:54and he had to repaint them before it went on display.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56It is not a perfect likeness of Cherie.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58She complained about the eyes?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00LAUGHTER
0:24:00 > 0:24:03The artist has really captured the way she lights up a room
0:24:03 > 0:24:05if you look at that. See?
0:24:05 > 0:24:06LAUGHTER
0:24:06 > 0:24:10What else was described as being in the wrong colour this week?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Was it Robert Kilroy-Silk?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15You are along the right lines.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17It was the BNP's South Shields candidate
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Lady Dorothy Macbeth Brookes.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Here she is. No, not that one.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- No, not that one. Not that one. There she is.- Oh!
0:24:25 > 0:24:27LAUGHTER
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Gosh.
0:24:30 > 0:24:31Is she 50% teak?
0:24:32 > 0:24:36Unfortunately for Dorothy Brookes, her fake tan didn't help her
0:24:36 > 0:24:39performance at the polls and she only came sixth,
0:24:39 > 0:24:43despite her campaign slogan, "The future's bright..."
0:24:43 > 0:24:44LAUGHTER
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Time now for the Missing Words round.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49This week's guest publication is
0:24:49 > 0:24:52the Shropshire Fungus Group Newsletter.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55And we start with...
0:24:58 > 0:25:02MICHAEL FABRICANT: Parasolium Boris Johnsonismus.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Yeah, have you ever heard of a chlorophyllum olivieri?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- Yes.- No, you haven't.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11This is from, of course, the Shropshire Fungus Group Newsletter.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13According to one reporter...
0:25:27 > 0:25:31Blimey. I had enough trouble when Marathon changed to Snickers.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34LAUGHTER
0:25:34 > 0:25:36I thought your pronunciation was brilliant.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Thank you very much. And I don't want to go out with you.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40LAUGHTER
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Next. Gordon Brown...
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Not linked.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51LAUGHTER
0:25:52 > 0:25:54No, the answer is...
0:25:57 > 0:25:58I don't believe it.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02Gordon Brown will be appearing in a charity concert with Beyonce.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05It'll be amazing appearing on stage with that famous arse
0:26:05 > 0:26:07but Beyonce doesn't seem to mind.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Next...
0:26:12 > 0:26:16JOHN COOPER CLARKE: To assist with the broadcast of fungal spores.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17LAUGHTER
0:26:17 > 0:26:22Absolutely. That's the best answer we have ever had on any question.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25No, it's "Hitting a log with a hammer..."
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- Wake up?- Here's a tip.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34If you find your husband walking off into the forest with a hammer,
0:26:34 > 0:26:37saying, "I'm just going to wake up my mushrooms," I think
0:26:37 > 0:26:39you should call the police.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Lastly...
0:26:42 > 0:26:45JOHN COOPER CLARKE: Never having to say you're sorry.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46LAUGHTER
0:26:47 > 0:26:51Means that you will have a golden future laid out in front of you.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55Your bare feet will glide across the carpet of good fortune
0:26:55 > 0:26:59as the sunlight of happiness comes through the window of opportunity.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Yeah.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Eh, no.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08LAUGHTER
0:27:08 > 0:27:09APPLAUSE
0:27:12 > 0:27:15That leads us to the final scores, which are...
0:27:15 > 0:27:16Michael and Ian have three
0:27:16 > 0:27:19but John and Paul are the winners with five
0:27:19 > 0:27:22- APPLAUSE - How did we manage that?
0:27:22 > 0:27:24We did our best, didn't we?
0:27:26 > 0:27:30But before we go there is just time for the caption competition.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33JOHN COOPER CLARKE: I told them. Bungee jumping at my age...
0:27:33 > 0:27:35LAUGHTER
0:27:35 > 0:27:37APPLAUSE
0:27:38 > 0:27:42And I leave you with the news that, in St Albans, UKIP
0:27:42 > 0:27:45unveils its new diversity think tank tasked with reaching
0:27:45 > 0:27:48out to the immigrant community.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51LAUGHTER
0:27:51 > 0:27:55In Hackney, a delighted traffic warden meets his annual quota
0:27:55 > 0:27:56with one ticket.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59LAUGHTER
0:27:59 > 0:28:02And, after leaving this studio without embarrassing himself
0:28:02 > 0:28:05too much, Michael Fabricant goes out and lets his hair down.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09LAUGHTER
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Good night.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd