0:00:33 > 0:00:38APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I'm Alexander Armstrong
0:00:42 > 0:00:44In the news this week... Following the tedium of last week's
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Queen's Speech, a BBC reporter reveals what Prince Philip
0:00:47 > 0:00:49would far rather do in the House of Lords.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Go in there and basically go... IMITATES GUNSHOTS
0:00:52 > 0:00:54LAUGHTER
0:00:54 > 0:00:561980s out-takes from All Creatures Great And Small
0:00:56 > 0:00:59show that inappropriate behaviour at the BBC was more widespread
0:00:59 > 0:01:01than previously thought.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10It'd be great if he pulled somebody out, though, wouldn't it?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13In Pyongyang, North Koreans react to the news that Kim Jong-un
0:01:13 > 0:01:16agrees with David Cameron on gay marriage.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23And Virgin Airlines launch a shocking new campaign to stop
0:01:23 > 0:01:25male passengers fantasising about air hostesses.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35On Paul's team tonight is an unashamedly traditional
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Eton-educated Conservative MP who was born in 1969 -
0:01:38 > 0:01:39at the age of 50.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Please welcome, Jacob Rees-Mogg.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45APPLAUSE
0:01:47 > 0:01:51And with Ian tonight is a comedian who says she wishes she knew
0:01:51 > 0:01:53more about politics but knows she doesn't like the Conservatives.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55A bit like David Cameron.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Please welcome, Josie Long.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00APPLAUSE
0:02:01 > 0:02:04And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Paul and Jacob, take a look at this.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Oh, yes. Ben Turpin there - cross-eyed comedian, famous.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13That's Lord Feldman - perhaps famous or not famous for saying something.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Those are the members of the Tory Associations, I think.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- JACOB: One of them's a friend of mine, actually.- Really? Which one?
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Edmond Costello. He's a very good egg. Very good egg.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26So, yes. Somebody has apparently called these people swivel-eyed loons,
0:02:26 > 0:02:30- but it's difficult to know who has said this...- Who didn't?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- Lord Feldman said he didn't say it. - He absolutely didn't.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34But he's the only one that people think did.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Yes, it was definitely not Lord Feldman that made the remark to Times and Telegraph journalists.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40There were reporters who heard it who say it was.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- JACOB: No, they don't. They're... - No, they're sticking to their story.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48They're sticking to their story, but they're protecting their source, so they're not saying that
0:02:48 > 0:02:50anybody in particular said that the Tories had a strabismus.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53LAUGHTER
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Tell us about strabismus, Jacob.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Well, a strabismus is when peoples' eyes go off in different directions.
0:02:58 > 0:02:59One goes UKIP, the other, Tory.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- I would...- "Different" direction. - I wouldn't have put it like that.
0:03:04 > 0:03:09It's a... You know, it's a word for boss-eyed, and those various eye conditions that
0:03:09 > 0:03:12some people have, but Conservatives almost invariably do not have.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13LAUGHTER
0:03:13 > 0:03:15ONE MAN APPLAUDS
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Thank you!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I don't know any loonies on the right of British politics.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22JOSIE: You don't think that Nigel Farage is insane?
0:03:22 > 0:03:27No, I don't. I think Nigel Farage is broadly a good egg.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32Nigel Farage is, like, the fevered, wet dream of Jeremy Clarkson.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34That is all he is.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37I'm not sure I quite understand.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42And what's Cameron done to smooth things over?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44He's written us all a letter, saying that members
0:03:44 > 0:03:47of the Conservative Party are marvellous, and I agree with that.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50If any of you are members of the Conservative Party here, you're marvellous.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52AUDIENCE MEMBER: Wahey!
0:03:52 > 0:03:55And the rest of you are probably marvellous too. Everyone's marvellous.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Yes, he wrote...
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Adding, "Not in a nancy way, obviously."
0:04:09 > 0:04:12A lot of them are upset about the gay marriage bill, Jacob.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16- You voted against gay marriage. - Yes, the line of the Catholic Church.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20- OK, you took the Catholic whip, rather than...- Indeed, absolutely.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23LAUGHTER
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Did anyone hear what Lord Tebbit had to say in an interview
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- with the Big Issue this week? - Yes, but it doesn't bear repeating.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- Well, it really does, actually. - No, it doesn't.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33We've got the quote...
0:04:43 > 0:04:46It is a speculative concern, and it is unhelpful.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Like, he could equally go,
0:04:47 > 0:04:50"What if a dragon shows up and steals the Queen?" You know?
0:04:50 > 0:04:51It's not helpful.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55JACOB: His problem - his concern - is one that constitutionally will not
0:04:55 > 0:04:58arise from the act that's just gone through the House of Commons.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Well, I hope he's watching, cos that will put his mind at rest.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04While we're on Norman Tebbit, do you want to hear his theories
0:05:04 > 0:05:08- about how gay marriage might affect inheritance tax?- Yes.- He said...
0:05:21 > 0:05:24And all these years, people have thought Norman's reactionary(!)
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Extraordinary free-thinking liberal.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31What did the Conservative MP for Aldershot - Gerald Howarth - warn us about?
0:05:31 > 0:05:35- Aggressive homosexuals. - That's exactly right.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37He said...
0:05:41 > 0:05:43What next? Bumming on the national curriculum?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50That's going back to the 19th century.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53What might the House of Lords do?
0:05:53 > 0:05:56They're threatening to have a vote on the second reading, which the
0:05:56 > 0:06:00House of Lords very rarely does on bills that come up from the Commons.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04That's right. They might block the bill's passage. Who's going to be...?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06LAUGHTER
0:06:09 > 0:06:11In a week of controversial statements,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13what has Penelope Keith been saying this week?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16She's addressed the housing problems.
0:06:16 > 0:06:21It's kind of incredibly mean to be blaming the housing crisis on older women.
0:06:21 > 0:06:26Flibbertigibbet 60-year-olds running off. Phwoar! Yes!
0:06:26 > 0:06:30- That's exactly right.- As soon as the children have grown up, they look around them
0:06:30 > 0:06:32and think, "Oh, you're quite boring."
0:06:33 > 0:06:36This is...personal experience.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41You mean you get that at home as well?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45That's right. This was in Country Life magazine.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48She was complaining about middle-aged women contributing
0:06:48 > 0:06:50to rising house prices by divorcing and living on their own.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Well, watch Pointless, of course.
0:07:05 > 0:07:11- Do you need your own home to do that?- Oh, yes. It is advisable.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13What did we learn this week about men with big muscles?
0:07:13 > 0:07:18- They can lift heavy things. - Yes.- Yes?!- No, no.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21This is research published by some university somewhere,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24that said, "Men with high upper body strength are likely to be
0:07:24 > 0:07:27"more right wing, because they pursue their own self interest.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30"Weedy men, on the other hand, are more concerned with
0:07:30 > 0:07:34- "the welfare of others."- I think I disprove this rule, personally. - Let's see your biceps, Jacob.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36I don't know that I've got anything like that.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40- Of course, you are a man of the people, aren't you?- Absolutely. Very much so.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Here's when Andrew Neil sprang a question about social class on you.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47I would say, sort of, upper middle rather than upper.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Well, I'm certainly not part of the aristocracy. That's definitely true.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54- So, we'll settle for upper middle? - I'm a man of the people.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56"Vox populi, vox Dei."
0:07:56 > 0:07:59But, Alexander, aren't you even posher than I am?
0:07:59 > 0:08:03I seem to remember reading somewhere that you are descended from William the Conqueror.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06which I think makes you a cousin of my wife.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- That's nice.- So...- We're family.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11So...we're family. May I call you cousin?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13APPLAUSE
0:08:13 > 0:08:15That's nice.
0:08:15 > 0:08:21- Yes...- I don't think I'm even related to my own parents.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22Yes, this is the gay marriage bill.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25The move to legalise same sex marriage has outraged many
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Conservatives, who believe that marriage
0:08:27 > 0:08:30should be between a man and a woman, or several women if you're Boris.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34Also, this week, a US committee
0:08:34 > 0:08:36criticised the amount of tax Apple pays.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37As a company, Apple has always
0:08:37 > 0:08:39prided itself on encouraging their creatives,
0:08:39 > 0:08:43especially those in the accounts department.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Ed Miliband has attacked Google for its tax arrangements.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Interestingly, if you type Ed Miliband into Google,
0:08:48 > 0:08:49it suggests, "Did you mean David?"
0:08:52 > 0:08:54OK. Ian and Josie, take a look at this.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58That's the next Prime Minister.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Oh, God, please no.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02And that's Michael Gove.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Head teachers have proposed a vote of no confidence in him
0:09:06 > 0:09:09because he's appalling at his job, and they all hate him.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Yes, this is at the National Association of Head Teachers
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Conference in Birmingham.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16But he made an effort. Here he is,
0:09:16 > 0:09:19asking what it is that's making head teachers so stressful.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22I think the first thing that we can do is to engage the profession
0:09:22 > 0:09:25and to find out what are the drivers of the stress that you record.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26Erm... And I think...
0:09:26 > 0:09:28LAUGHTER
0:09:30 > 0:09:32I think that...
0:09:32 > 0:09:35I think that you're one of them, Michael.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Yes. Teachers say they are getting stressed out
0:09:37 > 0:09:39because he's introducing far too many new initiatives,
0:09:39 > 0:09:42and that it's like trying to...
0:09:42 > 0:09:44A few cheerleaders on It's A Knockout
0:09:44 > 0:09:46know what that might have been like.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Jacob, you were quite forward as child.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54How old were you when you wrote your first letter to the Financial Times?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57I don't know that I've written a letter to the Financial Times.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59I was told you were 12. We have a picture of you
0:09:59 > 0:10:02here, look. There we are. 12-year-old Jacob.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Aww.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06- Yes, thank you.- OK.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Did you write a leader for the Financial Times?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11I-I-I didn't, no.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I did something slightly different -
0:10:13 > 0:10:14I went to shareholders' meetings
0:10:14 > 0:10:17but I didn't write letters to the Financial Times.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18- At 12 years old? - Yes.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- And how did that come about?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I had been given a little bit of money,
0:10:22 > 0:10:24birthday present, by my father...
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- Oh, and you didn't buy a bike, you bought shares in...
0:10:27 > 0:10:28Yes.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30When we say, "A little bit of money,"
0:10:30 > 0:10:32are we talking six figures here?
0:10:32 > 0:10:33No, no, no, no.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36No, no. I think it was £150. It was not...
0:10:36 > 0:10:38But in 1890, that was quite...
0:10:38 > 0:10:40LAUGHTER
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Can you identify the third actor in this scene from a 1995 film
0:10:45 > 0:10:47starring Christopher Lee and Robert Hardy,
0:10:47 > 0:10:50set in a boarding School and called A Feast At Midnight?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Why do they call you "Raptor"?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56You know perfectly well, head master.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59I...
0:10:59 > 0:11:04Oh, yes. You mean the film The Dinosaur.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06BUZZER
0:11:06 > 0:11:08It's Michael.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09It's Jacob.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11It's not... No. It's obviously Michael.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13I knew he'd done that, actually.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14- Did you? He's quite good. - Yes.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- With just a glance. - It's amazing, isn't it?
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- He's quite good? - That's a good glance.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Look at that. He's very impressive.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22How come...?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25He could have had an alternative career, had he wanted.
0:11:25 > 0:11:26Oh, how we wish.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Yes, this is Education Secretary Michael Gove,
0:11:29 > 0:11:31who was given a vote of no confidence
0:11:31 > 0:11:33by the National Association of Head Teachers.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36When asked by the Mail if he wanted to be Prime Minister,
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Mr Gove replied...
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Mind you, that hasn't stopped him from being Education Minister.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46A ten-year-old girl has written to the Education Secretary,
0:11:46 > 0:11:48pointing out that, in a recent exam paper,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51punctuation was used incorrectly on three occasions,
0:11:51 > 0:11:52proving what we've all suspected -
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Michael Gove doesn't know his colon from his elbow.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59And so to round two, the picture spin quiz.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07BUZZER
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Oh, yes. The Church of England
0:12:09 > 0:12:11have agreed that swans can marry helicopters.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16They thought the issue of the wings and the rotary blades
0:12:16 > 0:12:19was incompatible. One's going like that, one's going like that -
0:12:19 > 0:12:20two different worlds.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22But, no, they've found on that does that simultaneously,
0:12:22 > 0:12:24so they're both happy. Is this the priest
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- who's got an organ growing out of his head?- No.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29This is the news that swan named Whooper has
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- fallen in love with a helicopter. - No, it hasn't.- No, it has.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Does anyone know where this great romance has unfolded?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- Yeah, in the books of JK Rowling. - No...
0:12:38 > 0:12:40The day the swan fell in love with a helicopter.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42I know, yes. When the swan was born,
0:12:42 > 0:12:46the first thing he saw was the helicopter and thought that was his mum,
0:12:46 > 0:12:48is that right? And they're going to get married
0:12:48 > 0:12:50so they don't have to pay inheritance tax.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54It happened at Les Mielles Golf Club in Jersey,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56which is where Whooper lives.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58According to the times...
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Gold digger.
0:13:03 > 0:13:08How do we know this is true love, according to the Mail Online?
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Because it's not.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13It's completely made up rubbish.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22What does it mean, "He only..."?!
0:13:22 > 0:13:23We've got a picture.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27That's just a swan flying past a helicopter.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30That's not proving that the two of them are in love!
0:13:30 > 0:13:33It's not a very romantic picture, is it?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35You cold, cold man.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37I think that's tabloid intrusion.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40They might be sucked up into the updraft.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42If you're lucky!
0:13:45 > 0:13:50A swan's natural mate in nature is A - another swan,
0:13:50 > 0:13:51B - Ronnie Corbett,
0:13:51 > 0:13:53C - a helicopter.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- There's always Zeus, isn't there? - Zeus, yeah.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Helen of Troy was born out of swan's egg.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I thought you were going to say Swansea for a minute.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07She's a Cardiff girl.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08IMITATES DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
0:14:08 > 0:14:12The helicopter lands, aware that his mate is somewhere in the field.
0:14:14 > 0:14:19As the blades...circle around, the swan picks up the scent of diesel.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24And it comes loping out of the aircraft hanger...
0:14:24 > 0:14:26and straight into the blades of the helicopter.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Yes. According to the Express, the pilot is so terrified
0:14:32 > 0:14:35the besotted bird will fly into the rotors...
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Why might Whooper have more luck dating a Prague tube train?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Because a Prague tube train's more his type.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Not so... It won't go off the rails.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Is that where most people fall in love?
0:14:52 > 0:14:54The company that runs the underground there
0:14:54 > 0:14:56is proposing a singles-only carriage...
0:15:03 > 0:15:05He's already got a helicopter to himself.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Why does he need to go and share a train with a bunch of other people.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10He's in there with that.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Why is no-one finding love in a Guildford library?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Cos they've closed it down.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17No, because according to the Telegraph...
0:15:25 > 0:15:28One man came as Mr Darcy, one man came as Rhett Butler
0:15:28 > 0:15:30but unfortunately, the convincing-looking
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Stig of the Dump turned out to be a urine-soaked tramp.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Eh, so fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42BUZZER
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- It's about meat pies setting off smoke alarms.- You're very close.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Am I? Meat pies, Yorkshire puddings, smoke alarms, fire alarms.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- Fire alarms.- Creme brulee.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Creme brul...argh!
0:15:53 > 0:15:56It's the news that a spate of Merseyside fires has been
0:15:56 > 0:15:59started by Eccles cakes.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Yes, I should explain, Jacob, Eccles, it's a place in the north.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06According to James Murphy,
0:16:06 > 0:16:09the watch manager at Crosby Fire Station... Good evening.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Yeah, in a nuclear reactor.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Anyone guess what the headline was in the Liverpool Echo?
0:16:22 > 0:16:23Heat it.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24AUDIENCE GROANS
0:16:24 > 0:16:28Don't groan, that's brilliant. Journalism at its finest.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Another scandal, this time a little bit closer to Jacob's home,
0:16:32 > 0:16:33to do with caviar.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37Oh, yes, I did see that. Um, it was...
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Luckily, your butler brought you the paper.
0:16:41 > 0:16:46No, no, they did some DNA testing on caviar in some very smart
0:16:46 > 0:16:49restaurant and it turned out they were being sold a less good
0:16:49 > 0:16:52quality caviar but nobody could spot the difference.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54You know I've come on here because you kindly sent me
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Creme Eggs cos I'd said I liked them.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58It occurred to me afterwards, I should...
0:16:58 > 0:17:00God, I didn't think you had to be bribed to come.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01I should have said I liked caviar
0:17:01 > 0:17:04because then I might have got a pot of caviar which would have been...
0:17:04 > 0:17:07When I was on Desert Island Discs, which was a very long time ago...
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- Were you somebody's luxury?- Yeah.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11He was somebody's luxury.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14APPLAUSE
0:17:14 > 0:17:19- They said what's your luxury and I chose Frosties...- Hmm.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22..cos I lived on them at that stage and Frosties sent me
0:17:22 > 0:17:27a year's supply and my wife said, "You're an idiot.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30"Why didn't you say BMW?"
0:17:31 > 0:17:33What were you going to have on your Frosties?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Yeah, it's got no milk on a desert island...
0:17:35 > 0:17:37- Coconut milk.- Ah.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39How do you get into the coconut?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42With a knife I've fashioned from my own tibia.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Yes, this is the warning not to heat up Eccles cakes in your microwave.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52The Eccles cake warning came from a fire station manager
0:17:52 > 0:17:53in Liverpool, although the most common
0:17:53 > 0:17:57cause of a fire in on Merseyside is static electricity from shell suits.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Meanwhile, cheap,
0:18:00 > 0:18:04inferior caviar is being passed off as top-grade Sevruga caviar.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07At last, a food scandal that affects us all.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- Or is it just you and me? - The two of us.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19BUZZER
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Ah, now.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24I think this is...is this about the guy that's brought out
0:18:24 > 0:18:26a guide on how you can quickly sort of subvert these numbers...
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- Exactly right. - That's exactly what it is?
0:18:28 > 0:18:31And he's worked it out and he's published this very useful information
0:18:31 > 0:18:34so if you're phoning somebody like, I don't know, BT or whoever it is,
0:18:34 > 0:18:37he pressed these numbers and it gets you through quickly,
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- saves you loads of time. Is that the guy?- It is exactly right.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42The man is called Nigel Clarke from Fawkham, Kent.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Did he used to be the speaking clock?
0:18:47 > 0:18:48- Can you skip the music? - You can skip...
0:18:48 > 0:18:50So when they put Pachelbel's Canon on...
0:18:50 > 0:18:52- That's the only reason why I phone. - What?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54I only just phone them for the music.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56When I get through to somebody, I say,
0:18:56 > 0:18:58"You've just ruined the song, thank you."
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Confuses them.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01If you dial up Aviva Insurance
0:19:01 > 0:19:04and you're placed in a queue for longer than five minutes,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06he's discovered that if you press option three,
0:19:06 > 0:19:10according to the guide, you can switch the music to jazz and swing.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14If you prefer pop, press four, and Jacob, for industrial dubstep,
0:19:14 > 0:19:18- it's five.- I must confess I've never heard of that.- No.- Mm.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22- I suspect they've probably never heard of you either.- No, no.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Why might this man have a similarly high boredom threshold to
0:19:25 > 0:19:26that of Nigel Clarke?
0:19:27 > 0:19:32Is he trying to invent the mobile telephone as it appeared in 1984?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35He is Neil Brittlebank and according to the Sun...
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Mr Brittlebank told the Metro...
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- Yes.- At which point, the reporter put one in each pocket
0:19:46 > 0:19:47and jumped into a canal.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Michael Hammett of the British Brick Society said...
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Because some collections of bricks can actually be quite dull.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01And finally, the Daily Mail printed some pictures of inventions
0:20:01 > 0:20:04that never caught on which are part of a new collection.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- Would you like to see what those are?- Yeah, absolutely.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11JACOB: That's a pram in the war, isn't it, with a gas mask,
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- effectively.- A gas-resistant pram, absolutely right.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Also air-resistant by the look of it.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Didn't people have gas masks for an air raid so that person's gone,
0:20:20 > 0:20:24"Ooh, it's an air raid, I'll just take the baby out."
0:20:24 > 0:20:25And there's this.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30That is a piano specially designed for the bed-bound.
0:20:30 > 0:20:35Well, it's crushing her. No wonder she can't get out of the bed.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37They should put that on the Chopin channel.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39AUDIENCE GROANS
0:20:39 > 0:20:41I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44And finally, this. Do you want to know what that's for?
0:20:44 > 0:20:48Is it for those who couldn't afford the mascot that came with Rolls-Royces?
0:20:48 > 0:20:53- A Spirit Of Ecstasy?- Eh, no, it was used in Paris for picking up drunks.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56One was used this week on the M1 for George Michael.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58AUDIENCE GROANS
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Did anyone see how the Sun covered the
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- George-Michael-falling-out-of-a-car story?- Yes, absolutely.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Yes, this is a new guide which helps you bypass automated
0:21:10 > 0:21:11menus on the phone.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14The dialling shortcut to report a water leak to
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Lloyds TSB Insurance is...
0:21:17 > 0:21:19To buy a television from Argos, it's...
0:21:21 > 0:21:23And if you've bought a faulty microphone from Currys,
0:21:23 > 0:21:26it's one, two, one, two, one, two.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Right, time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Ian and Josie, your four are...
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Energy Minister Greg Barker and his sausage dog Otto,
0:21:35 > 0:21:36Clint Eastwood,
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Jacob Rees-Mogg
0:21:38 > 0:21:41and a customer in McDonald's in Cork.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43They're all lovers of McDonald's.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Jacob in particular.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48JACOB REES-MOGG: Yes, absolutely. Jolly good stuff.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52OK, I know that you are 100% in favour of privatising
0:21:52 > 0:21:54the Postal Service.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56So if we can find out that two of these other people
0:21:56 > 0:22:00are in favour of really overpriced...
0:22:00 > 0:22:04- So, what we are saying is he is a Tory.- Yeah.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- JACOB REES-MOGG: I may know what it is.- Oh, tell me.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10I was upbraided at Lords last week for putting my feet on the seats.
0:22:10 > 0:22:15The dog of Greg Barker had a cushion warmed in the microwave
0:22:15 > 0:22:20in his ministry and I don't know about the other two.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23In McDonald's in Cork did somebody put their feet on the counter
0:22:23 > 0:22:25or on a chair or was thrown out for not wearing any shoes?
0:22:25 > 0:22:28You are on the right track. Chairs is what it is all about.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- Clint had a conversation with a chair.- That's one.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- You were ticked off by stewards. - A steward. Just the one.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35It didn't take a bevy of them.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37What were you doing putting your feet on a seat?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Well, they're quite cramped. There's not a lot of space.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Wasn't there an urchin somewhere...?
0:22:42 > 0:22:43LAUGHTER
0:22:43 > 0:22:44Who do you think is the odd one out?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47OK, let's go for the obvious one - Jacob.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48No.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- It's the customer in Cork. - It's absolutely not that either.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52It's the bloke with the dog.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55It's the dog because Greg Barker didn't do
0:22:55 > 0:22:58anything to do with seats but the dog did it.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01You're absolutely right. The dog had a cushion.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03JOSIE LONG: I'm really sorry. I thought I had it.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06The McDonald's customer in Cork found himself in a rather
0:23:06 > 0:23:09embarrassing predicament when he got stuck in a baby highchair.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10There's a picture of him.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12There he is. McMoron.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18The man was finally rescued but not before he had crushed his McNuggets.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21The Hollywood legend that is Clint Eastwood.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24What did Clint say he was thinking behind this ad-libbed speech
0:23:24 > 0:23:28- to an empty chair?- The president was not effectively holding office.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31It was as though there was no-one in government.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34According to the Telegraph, Clint said it was supposed to be...
0:23:35 > 0:23:39He doesn't even know what his name is any more.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43Jacob, what of yours was longer than anyone else's in Parliament?
0:23:43 > 0:23:45LAUGHTER
0:23:45 > 0:23:49- Floccinaucinihilipilification, I've got a feeling that is.- Yes.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Meaning, of course, the estimation of something as valueless.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- That's absolutely right, yes. - It was the longest word in Hansard.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57It has since been beaten by the length of the "boo"
0:23:57 > 0:24:00whenever George Osborne starts to speak.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Jacob Rees-Mogg also stirred controversy
0:24:02 > 0:24:05when it was revealed that he and the King of Spain
0:24:05 > 0:24:07had their own special loo to sit on in Claridges.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Jacob explained...
0:24:11 > 0:24:13- JACOB REES-MOGG: That's pretty true. - Adding...
0:24:15 > 0:24:20I don't know if you have heard but being a member of the public
0:24:20 > 0:24:23is not strictly speaking a disability.
0:24:25 > 0:24:30- Oh, dear. Yes. - Paul and Jacob, here are yours.
0:24:30 > 0:24:31Oh, it's our turn, is it?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Grandpa from The Munsters,
0:24:33 > 0:24:34an owl's face,
0:24:34 > 0:24:35Dan Brown
0:24:35 > 0:24:37and Ali the turtle.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41The owl does look like he's got his face on upside down.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Ali the turtle, I don't... Dan Brown has got another book out.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45He wrote The Da Vinci Code.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47What is interesting about the owl? That's a good clue.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50He's meant to look like his head is upside down but is that...?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- Upside down is a good tack. - A good way to look at it.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Ah, yes, cos bats hang upside down, don't they?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59So Grandpa as a vampire would go to sleep upside down.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01JOSIE LONG: I know that Dan Brown hangs upside down.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- That is his cure for writer's block.- Is right, yeah.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07The turtle is odd one out because it had its back
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- opened and weights put in so it would sink.- Absolutely right. Yes.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12They all hang upside down. Well done.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14APPLAUSE
0:25:14 > 0:25:17They all hang upside down apart from Ali the turtle,
0:25:17 > 0:25:19who has been fitted with a special belt so she doesn't turn
0:25:19 > 0:25:21upside down whilst in water.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Do you know why she was turning upside down?
0:25:23 > 0:25:26She got an infection, I think. Got a bit of air in her back.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29She was hit by a boat. An air bubble, yeah. An air bubble
0:25:29 > 0:25:31under her shell. Using a scuba diver's weight belt,
0:25:31 > 0:25:35the Weymouth Sealife Centre has found a way to keep her upright.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Experiments are now being carried out to see
0:25:36 > 0:25:41if the same technology will, in fact, work for George Michael.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43The marine biologist responsible says he got the idea
0:25:43 > 0:25:47when disposing of an unwanted puppy at Christmas.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Dan Brown has revealed that to cure writer's block he hangs
0:25:50 > 0:25:53upside down and after reading one paragraph of Dan Brown
0:25:53 > 0:25:56I usually want to hang myself the right way up.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Dan Brown's new book Inferno is now in the shops.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01According to the Sunday Times...
0:26:05 > 0:26:09But not one of them has been able to translate it into decent English.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Time now for the missing words round.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14This week's guest publication is Psychic Today.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18I have to say I really did enjoy next September's issue.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19And we start with...
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- It's not jail, is it?- No.- Good.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Space, coincidentally,
0:26:32 > 0:26:36being a place where you really do need to tie your kangaroo down.
0:26:36 > 0:26:37Next.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Apparently he was in the pub one lunchtime and drink some beer
0:26:41 > 0:26:44and then was like, "Ooh." Started going all funny.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47He went into a church and saw a swan getting married to a helicopter.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50"I'm never having any more of that again," he said.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Signed the pledge.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Ben Fogle reckons his drink may have been spiked by Russian agents,
0:26:58 > 0:27:00who could have mistaken him for CIA spy Ryan Fogle.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Sounds far-fetched until you learn that Russian TV has just
0:27:03 > 0:27:05asked Ryan Fogle to present Crufts.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07And finally...
0:27:09 > 0:27:11JACOB REES-MOGG: There's a James Bond film about that
0:27:11 > 0:27:14but I can't remember the ones that come out. She draws the pack.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17- Live And Let Die.- Live And Let Die. - Can you sing the theme tune?
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- I'm not going to do that now, no. - Oh, go on.- No, no, no, no.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Modernising Tory party? Sing the theme tune.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26It is...
0:27:26 > 0:27:29- The two of cups?- JACOB REES-MOGG: And what does that mean?
0:27:29 > 0:27:32The two of cups is the second most powerful card in the tarot deck.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Just below the ace of crap.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37HE MOUTHS
0:27:37 > 0:27:38And so, the final scores are
0:27:38 > 0:27:39Ian and Josie on four
0:27:39 > 0:27:41but Paul and Jacob on six.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42APPLAUSE
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Well done.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Rural communities more relaxed about gay marriage
0:27:55 > 0:27:57than people who live in towns.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59And I leave you with news that
0:27:59 > 0:28:01midway through her Eurovision performance,
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Bonnie Tyler glances towards the wings
0:28:03 > 0:28:06in search of a supportive gesture from her family.
0:28:08 > 0:28:09Before leaping off a cliff,
0:28:09 > 0:28:12a group of lemmings decide to enjoy one last meal.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17And in Liverpool, animal rights activists complain that John Bishop
0:28:17 > 0:28:20has forced his dog to undergo unnecessary veterinary procedures.
0:28:24 > 0:28:25Good night.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd