0:00:36 > 0:00:38Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You,
0:00:38 > 0:00:39I'm Frank Skinner.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42In the news this week, BBC Breakfast presenters
0:00:42 > 0:00:47discuss a busy morning interviewing Bernie Ecclestone and his wife.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50LAUGHTER
0:00:51 > 0:00:55At a hotel in Morecambe, with a party of Scots arriving,
0:00:55 > 0:00:59staff quickly hide any material that may offend them.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00LAUGHTER
0:01:02 > 0:01:04And in Doncaster, Mrs Ivy Hinchcliffe
0:01:04 > 0:01:07still hasn't come home from bingo.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10LAUGHTER
0:01:13 > 0:01:14AUDIENCE: Aww.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20On Ian's team tonight is a comedian and former political advisor
0:01:20 > 0:01:23for the Labour Party who does an impression of Tony Blair.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26In fact he's so good, he managed to get his fee
0:01:26 > 0:01:29for tonight's appearance up to half a million quid.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Please welcome Matt Forde.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32APPLAUSE
0:01:35 > 0:01:38And with Paul tonight is an actor and comedian
0:01:38 > 0:01:41who lists his hobbies as tea-tasting,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43fly-fishing and cricket.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47The last time he saw his doctor he tested negative for adrenaline.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Please welcome Miles Jupp.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53APPLAUSE
0:01:56 > 0:01:58And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Ian and Matt, take a look at this.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03It's the, er, bell end.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07That's the Chancellor going underground.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08This is the spending review.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10It's a triumph for the Chancellor.
0:02:10 > 0:02:15He's announced that he's got a fifth of the spending already sorted out.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Which is brilliant, so only 80% of it yet to do.
0:02:18 > 0:02:23So far, the deficit this year is right down to 120 billion.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28That's £120 billion we've borrowed more than we've earned.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31So you can see we're really getting to grips with the debt,
0:02:31 > 0:02:36and we're not at all bankrupt, except a lot.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40So health spending will be unaffected by budget cuts.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Why is that particularly welcome this week?
0:02:43 > 0:02:47So that A&Es aren't even more stressed?
0:02:47 > 0:02:48- Mm.- Even fuller?
0:02:48 > 0:02:53- Yes, the research into operation timings suggests...- Oh yes!
0:02:53 > 0:02:57..you are more at risk of dying in hospital on a Friday.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01So if you're watching this on repeat, well done.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Yeah, you've got to go in on a Monday.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06And then the probability goes down.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Until the weekend, when everyone's off.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10It's terrifying.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11It's DIY, Saturday.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15They literally give you the tools.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18What's the latest thing to make people feel poorly?
0:03:18 > 0:03:24This is back into the financial area of things.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25It's money.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27If you eat coins, do you throw up?
0:03:27 > 0:03:31If you eat coins, do you throw up? Let's find out.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Nickel allergies are on the increase,
0:03:33 > 0:03:38and 5p and 10p coins now have four times more nickel in them
0:03:38 > 0:03:40than a year ago.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41So according to research...
0:03:48 > 0:03:51The problem's particularly bad in Yorkshire.
0:03:52 > 0:03:57And what's David Cameron been up to while all this has been going on?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- He... He went to Ibiza.- Yes!
0:04:00 > 0:04:01How's he going to blag having gone to,
0:04:01 > 0:04:05like, one of the world's most notorious clubbing hot spots
0:04:05 > 0:04:07at a time of national crisis?
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Are there a lot of seals there?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Don't you think it's a bit unfair?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14- What, on him?- Yeah.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I mean, the Prime Minister's got to have a holiday.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19It's not as though he'd do anything if he was here.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25I mean, do you feel safer with him in Ibiza or here?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30I'm not too bothered, really.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31I mean, it is unfair.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Everyone said Churchill used to go on holiday,
0:04:33 > 0:04:37in the middle of the Second World War he went off to Marrakech.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38Took swimming holidays.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42And no-one said, "Churchill, what a bastard."
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Hitler wasn't too complimentary, but generally speaking.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Got a picture of the Camerons on holiday.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- Oh, that's charming.- That's lovely.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52They're not really holiday... It's not holiday garb, is it?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Are they goths, the Camerons?
0:04:55 > 0:04:59Surely you could've worn a Hawaiian shirt or something of that nature.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Oh, can you imagine the tabloids if he'd worn a Hawaiian shirt?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- "How sickening!" - Yeah, you're quite right.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08"Terror stalks the land and Cameron wears an amusing shirt."
0:05:09 > 0:05:11"What a bastard."
0:05:13 > 0:05:16So, while things were stirring up in Southeast London with EDL marches
0:05:16 > 0:05:20following the terror attack, what did some people on Twitter do?
0:05:20 > 0:05:21This is the trouble with Twitter.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25People get very excited very quickly, don't they?
0:05:25 > 0:05:28- And they decided to protest against EDF.- Yes.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32I thought the brilliant EDL story
0:05:32 > 0:05:35was not the one in London but the one in York,
0:05:35 > 0:05:39where the EDL, they marched on this mosque in York, furious men outside.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41They got to the mosque,
0:05:41 > 0:05:43and the people in the mosque invited them in for tea.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48And they had tea and biscuits and an impromptu game of football.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52- Yeah, that was...- And they mutually agreed that perhaps, you know,
0:05:52 > 0:05:55understanding was the way forward, and they went off.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Yeah. The Archbishop of York, John Sentamu said...
0:06:08 > 0:06:10On the subject of political ambition,
0:06:10 > 0:06:14who did David Cameron's old spin doctor Andy Coulson
0:06:14 > 0:06:15warn him to beware of?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17- Old Boris Johnson.- Yes.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19It was an odd phrase, wasn't it?
0:06:19 > 0:06:22It was about - Boris won't intervene before the election,
0:06:22 > 0:06:24but he's happy for him to lose it.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Words to that effect.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Yes, this was... I mean, Andy Coulson,
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- who has been charged with various offences...- Mm.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33..but he's still allowed to give interviews in GQ.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I mean, we're not allowed to say anything about him,
0:06:36 > 0:06:38under the laws of contempt, obviously.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39And I wouldn't want to.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41LAUGHTER
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Is there...?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45If we are so wary of words, is there any way you could express
0:06:45 > 0:06:48an opinion through contemporary dance?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56You'll get sued, you'll get sued.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58APPLAUSE
0:06:58 > 0:07:02At last, someone can go to prison for mime.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05Yes, that's it.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08With the economy going down the pan faster than a Chinese baby,
0:07:08 > 0:07:11- George Osborne... - AUDIENCE GROANS
0:07:11 > 0:07:12It's a happy ending.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15George Osborne is calling for further cuts.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18One minister refusing to agree to any cuts at all
0:07:18 > 0:07:21is Environment Secretary Owen Patterson.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23According to one colleague...
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Don't worry, Owen. You won't go down in history.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Boris Johnson was recently described by his former boss
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Conrad Black as...
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Yes, he's both cunning
0:07:41 > 0:07:44and found propped up on the pillow in many a woman's bedroom.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Paul and Miles, take a look at this.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Ah, this is Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall,
0:07:51 > 0:07:53navigating her way around the train.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55These are these bastards who come and sit with you
0:07:55 > 0:07:57even though there's loads of empty seats.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00She went to France this week, she was in Paris,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02and she made her first speech in French,
0:08:02 > 0:08:04and she was a bit nervous about it but it went very well.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Everybody was very happy,
0:08:06 > 0:08:09they said, "Oh, nobody's ever spoken French like this before,"
0:08:09 > 0:08:11it's wonderful, she's a golden creature that seems to
0:08:11 > 0:08:14bathe in heavenly light wherever she goes.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16She smokes fags as well.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19- That's correct.- It is correct.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22And before she set off she had a word with the press and sounded
0:08:22 > 0:08:25extremely confident about how well her first solo trip would go.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27- My first solo.- Brilliant.
0:08:27 > 0:08:32- My first solo. Probably my last. - No, no, no.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Yeah, and it would've been had the Duke of Edinburgh's men not
0:08:34 > 0:08:36been waiting in the wrong tunnel.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38LAUGHTER
0:08:44 > 0:08:46I just, sorry, I just couldn't think of a mime for it.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48LAUGHTER
0:08:48 > 0:08:52Did you spot which form of transport she used to get to Paris?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54She was on a train, so unless that was wildly misleading,
0:08:54 > 0:08:57I'd say that's how she got there.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- Any particular train? - The Eurostar.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- The one that goes to Paris. - That's the one.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Here she is setting off, all looking very happy.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06And if you're wondering who's in charge of her luggage
0:09:06 > 0:09:07it's this person.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09LAUGHTER
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- Why was she going to Paris exactly? - I don't know.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17It didn't really grab me at the time and my ability
0:09:17 > 0:09:20to manufacture interest in this story is woefully inadequate.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21LAUGHTER
0:09:21 > 0:09:23She was there to see the work of charity Emmaus,
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- of which she is the patron. - Oh, yes.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27- Yes.- Homeless people, isn't it?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Yeah, well, according to the Daily Mail it helps people by...
0:09:34 > 0:09:36So they phoned her.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43What did Camilla unexpectedly get from Sir Peter Ricketts?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Rickets.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48He bought her a fake Cartier watch she'd been admiring
0:09:48 > 0:09:52in the charity's second-hand shop. Here they are together.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55He looks very dodgy, doesn't he?
0:09:55 > 0:09:56LAUGHTER
0:09:56 > 0:10:00And she looks like, "Can you get me away from this person?"
0:10:00 > 0:10:02He looks like he comes with the watch.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Meanwhile, what were two men in the French city of Montpelier
0:10:07 > 0:10:09the first to do?
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Ah, two gay guys in France would be the first gay couple
0:10:13 > 0:10:16to get married. Vincent and Bruno. I was staggered.
0:10:16 > 0:10:21I had no idea Bruno was seeing other people. I mean, it's terrible.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Who pays for the ceremony in a gay wedding?
0:10:24 > 0:10:27You know traditionally it's the woman's dad?
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- Yeah, not for a while, though. - Is that gone?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Well...unless I was particularly unlucky.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40In other royal news, how did the Queen pose for a photograph
0:10:40 > 0:10:44showing that she belonged to the Ancient Order of the Thistle?
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Oh, it's a striking dramatic photograph on a Scottish moor,
0:10:47 > 0:10:50isn't it? It looks like something you should see on a tea towel.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51I will do one day.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Yes, this is the Queen in a Scottish glen.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55There we are, look at that.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57- MATT: Looking delighted. - Yeah.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00MILES: She does not know much about hill-walking, does she?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07When I said, "Take the train to Scotland," that's not what I meant.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12It was for a book called Keepers Of The Kingdom.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15What did the book's author Alastair Bruce fear would
0:11:15 > 0:11:19- happen during the Queen's photoshoot at Balmoral?- Midges.- Yes.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21He thought the Queen would be put off by midges,
0:11:21 > 0:11:25and he explained there are two stages of a midge attack.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Which is also the Queen's experience during the two halves
0:11:35 > 0:11:37of the Royal Variety Show.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Meanwhile, what is happening to Prince Harry?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- He's worried that he's going to go bald.- Yes.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- That looks like a fine head of hair to me.- Yeah.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Finally to Prince Philip, he never lets us down.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55So what's his latest gaff?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57It's a small council flat in Newport.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59LAUGHTER
0:12:00 > 0:12:01APPLAUSE
0:12:04 > 0:12:07During a visit to a medical research laboratory in Cambridge
0:12:07 > 0:12:09he asked a Polish scientist...
0:12:13 > 0:12:16He's mellowed, hasn't he?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Oh, dear. You'll miss him when he's not there.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Well, I feel UKIP have filled that gap.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27So yes, this is Camilla's first solo engagement abroad.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Camilla's trip to Paris was very successful,
0:12:29 > 0:12:32the only downside being that when she got home
0:12:32 > 0:12:35she found the floor covered in takeaway cartons and beer cans.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Don't you hate that, girls,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39when your bloke's just too lazy to ring for a footman?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44France has had its first gay marriage, which has sparked
0:12:44 > 0:12:46a heated national debate, and according to the Guardian...
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Including a tour by Jim Davidson.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00The next round is the Strengthometer of News.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Fingers on buzzers, team, here's the first one.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14We saw this picture last week, or something similar to it,
0:13:14 > 0:13:18- but now we seem to have an owl, is it? Getting married to a mop.- Yes.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22This is Lightning the owl who's in love with a mop.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25It's said the mop has really turned the owl's head.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Can you imagine how this love affair blossomed?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32It was either behind the scenes at Owl World, or...
0:13:32 > 0:13:34- Or Mopland.- Yeah.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Which is the biggest attraction of the Huddersfield area?
0:13:40 > 0:13:44Well, the owl is being hand-reared in Newquay at...
0:13:47 > 0:13:49And what's brilliant about that is that you'd assume it was
0:13:49 > 0:13:52a sanctuary for screech owls, but you would be wrong.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55It is in fact an owl sanctuary run by...
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Similar confusion when Lord Dangerous
0:14:00 > 0:14:02brought in the Dangerous Dogs Act.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Here is Lightning the owl with his new best friend.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12That looks like quite an abusive relationship.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- He's biting her! - No, that's grooming, clearly.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Well, he's a paedophile then.
0:14:20 > 0:14:25Matt, you once dressed as a chicken, didn't you, for various reasons.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29I was working for the Labour Party at the time.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Is that compulsory?
0:14:31 > 0:14:37It was on a by-election campaign in 2004, and I would just walk around
0:14:37 > 0:14:39behind Charles Kennedy dressed as a chicken
0:14:39 > 0:14:41whilst a woman on a megaphone would go,
0:14:41 > 0:14:44"Lib Dems soft of crime! Soft on thugs!
0:14:44 > 0:14:47"Soft on drugs!" And I would sort of dance like a chicken would...
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- Mmm- ..to music like that.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- What happened in the by-election? - We lost the by-election.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02I suspect Charles Kennedy is watching this thinking,
0:15:02 > 0:15:04"Oh, it was real, that giant chicken!"
0:15:05 > 0:15:08"I thought it was..."
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- He probably thought I was the Famous Grouse!- Exactly.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Does everyone have to do this when you start working...?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I mean, is it a sort of initiation thing?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19All the people at the top now, did they have a time
0:15:19 > 0:15:22when they had to dress as poultry around the East Midlands?
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Gordon Brown walked around as a pigeon for three years.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Nothing to do with politics, it's one of his hobbies.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Fingers on buzzers.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36BUZZER
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Oh, yes, this is your mock-up...
0:15:38 > 0:15:41It's Simon Cowell and Bruce Forsyth. Bruce has made a comment
0:15:41 > 0:15:44about the young children that appear on...
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Is it Britain's Got Talent?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Is that the latest version that's going at the moment?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50So yes, it seems to be like, it's quite a hard thing
0:15:50 > 0:15:52to ask these young kids to go out there and sing live
0:15:52 > 0:15:54nd all that sort of thing. It's a bit of pressure.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57And I think he's complained about that and Simon Cowell says,
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- "It makes me a load of money, I don't care."- Yes.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- It's the clash of the Saturday night titans.- Yes.
0:16:03 > 0:16:08Big Brucie versus...Super Simon.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- You don't really do tabloid, do you? - No.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- Sorry, I'll give up now. - What's it in Latin?
0:16:14 > 0:16:15Er...
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Ad nauseam.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Yes, Bruce said...
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Although it's also wrong to put adults through an ordeal
0:16:27 > 0:16:29like his Strictly opening monologue.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33That's not true, Bruce. I love...
0:16:33 > 0:16:35I think Strictly without Bruce
0:16:35 > 0:16:38would be like Formula 1 without the crashes.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43I've not heard about this story before,
0:16:43 > 0:16:46but I imagine there's probably arguments for and against.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52How did Simon respond to Bruce's comments?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54"I'm not gay."
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Is everyone giving up mime?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05I can't do that one on my own!
0:17:08 > 0:17:10OK, moving from ham to beef,
0:17:10 > 0:17:12what excuse did a man from Sunderland
0:17:12 > 0:17:14use in front of a courtroom this week
0:17:14 > 0:17:17when charged with stealing a joint of beef?
0:17:17 > 0:17:20He had trouble using the self-scanning system.
0:17:21 > 0:17:26- "Oh, for goodness sake! You don't have to be 18 to buy...- BLEEP- this."
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Defendant John Casey claimed that he stole the joint of beef because...
0:17:36 > 0:17:38She, of course, is no longer topside.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Finally in our Not-As-Dead- As-You-Might-Expect-Them-To-Be news,
0:17:43 > 0:17:45what happened to a lady in Cornwall
0:17:45 > 0:17:47when she tried to organise a reunion?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Did she discover she was the only person
0:17:50 > 0:17:52of whatever group it was that she was trying to reunite
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- that was still alive? - Suicide Club of 1936.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59"Haven't had a Christmas card from them since the War."
0:18:00 > 0:18:03In fact, she was the only person who was dead.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Or so they thought.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08The local paper had mistakenly printed her name
0:18:08 > 0:18:11in an obituary for her mother 30 years ago.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13What a terrible shock for that poor lady.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15And for them, when she turned up suddenly.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17For 30 years they'd been having reunions going,
0:18:17 > 0:18:20"I tell you who'd have loved this - Gladys." "Jesus Christ!"
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Ah, yes. This is the spat between Bruce Forsyth
0:18:24 > 0:18:27and Simon Cowell over children appearing on Britain's Got Talent.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29According to the Sun, Brucie said...
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Adding, "One of them was only 73!"
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Brucie has also threatened that he might present a brand-new show.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41He told an audience at a solo performance...
0:18:43 > 0:18:47What, as well as the adrenaline drip?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54BELL
0:18:56 > 0:18:59MATT: Six...men, I imagine, listening very intently to
0:18:59 > 0:19:02- the greatest prime minister Britain's ever had.- Where?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04MILES: Is Tony Blair considered
0:19:04 > 0:19:06something of a giant in the Middle East?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08OK, where's the story?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- Well, he's the Middle East envoy, isn't he?- Yes.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14So I imagine he's been out there spreading peace
0:19:14 > 0:19:17and people are going to be cynical about that.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18Yes, they are quite cynical about it.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22His role in the Middle East has been branded "a huge joke".
0:19:22 > 0:19:23- By who?!- People like you, Ian.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Er...yes.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Not the Chilcot Inquiry,
0:19:28 > 0:19:30which still hasn't reported four years later!
0:19:30 > 0:19:35We had an inquiry into the supposed doings of Blair, and where is it?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- Who did we get this information from?- John McCarthy.- John McCarthy!
0:19:38 > 0:19:41The Telegraph said that he told a festival last week
0:19:41 > 0:19:43that Mr Blair's role in...
0:19:48 > 0:19:53So Matt, I think we've established you're a massive fan of Tony Blair.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Is this for comic effect, or is it real?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58I mean, I don't... Well...
0:19:58 > 0:20:00It's real.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02OK, that's fine, I just wanted to know
0:20:02 > 0:20:07whether amusement or pity was the correct response.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Oh, we can do both.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11So, who's doing better than Tony Blair
0:20:11 > 0:20:12at delivering peace to the Middle East?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Dappy from N-Dubz.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16I'm going to tell you.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Tulisa from...whatever she's from.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21N-Dubz! It's N-Dubz! MILES: Yeah. That crowd.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Is everyone from N-Dubz?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Bouncer, who was...? Oh, Neighbours.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Well, the Middle East, specifically Iran and Iraq, are,
0:20:32 > 0:20:33according to the Independent...
0:20:42 > 0:20:45"Hello, is it WMD you're looking for?"
0:20:46 > 0:20:49This is the news that Palestinians have been critical
0:20:49 > 0:20:51of Tony Blair's work bringing peace to the Middle East.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53According to the Independent...
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Must be someone's job to sort that out!
0:21:02 > 0:21:05This week, it was revealed that Lionel Richie is extremely popular
0:21:05 > 0:21:06throughout the Middle East.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09According to the Independent, when the US invaded Baghdad in 2003...
0:21:12 > 0:21:15After which survivors waiting to be dug out of the rubble
0:21:15 > 0:21:16kept up a constant refrain
0:21:16 > 0:21:19of "Hello, is it me you're looking for?"
0:21:21 > 0:21:23OK. It's now time for the Odd One Out round.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Adolf Hitler, Robert Mugabe,
0:21:26 > 0:21:28beards, and Yoda.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31The only thing that I've seen about Hitler in recent days
0:21:31 > 0:21:33is there's a teapot, or kettle, rather, that's come out,
0:21:33 > 0:21:36that sort of closely resembles Adolf Hitler.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Is the Hitler kettle...?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39It includes the Hitler kettle.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42I think a good starting place for this is Yoda.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Not Yoda in his sort of day job
0:21:45 > 0:21:48but in a sort of recent sideline he's developed.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50ALL: Vodafone.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Yes. Stick with advertisers.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Robert Mugabe sponsors... Rice Krispies. I don't know.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57What...?
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Poor old Rice Krispies!
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Snap, Crackle, Dead.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07They're all officially advertising a product apart from Adolf Hitler,
0:22:07 > 0:22:09who is unwittingly advertising a kettle
0:22:09 > 0:22:12because a billboard photo of the kettle looks like him.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19It does look like Hitler.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22That big empty space in the middle
0:22:22 > 0:22:25where he's shot his face off, as well.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Have you got the hot water bottle that looks like Mussolini?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33That's amazing.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35It must be deliberate, it's got to be deliberate.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Once you see it, you can't see the kettle any more.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40The kettle's gone.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42I mean, it's even got the salute on the spout, hasn't it?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46If you want to accessorise,
0:22:46 > 0:22:48this would go well with an Eva Braun sandwich maker.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Robert Mugabe -
0:22:52 > 0:22:55the Zimbabwean dictator, for those of you who don't know who he is -
0:22:55 > 0:22:58has been helping to advertise a range of clothing
0:22:58 > 0:23:00in his home country.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- Oh, yes.- According to a rather misleading item in the Scotsman...
0:23:11 > 0:23:14I think he favours just the dark glasses...
0:23:16 > 0:23:19So beards are the new thing in advertising,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21according to a Kentucky-based company
0:23:21 > 0:23:23who have introduced "beardvertising".
0:23:23 > 0:23:28Oh, yes. People have adverts put onto their beards, clipped on.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30And I must say, it looks fabulously impressive.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35It's his face that sell it, isn't it?
0:23:35 > 0:23:38What other beards have been in the news recently?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40This is cats - people pose with cats,
0:23:40 > 0:23:42they hold their cat in a certain way
0:23:42 > 0:23:44so it makes it look like the cat is part of a beard.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Yeah. It's called "catbearding".
0:23:48 > 0:23:49Here's a catbeard.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50Oh!
0:23:52 > 0:23:54And here's another.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58LAUGHTER
0:24:00 > 0:24:01And, um...here's a dogbeard.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04LAUGHTER
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Yes - the answer is they're all officially advertising a product,
0:24:07 > 0:24:11apart from Adolf Hitler, who is unwittingly advertising a kettle.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Obviously, it's only got one boil.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18It's not so much the kettle that looks like Hitler I object to,
0:24:18 > 0:24:20it's their marketing slogan -
0:24:20 > 0:24:22"ein Volk, ein Reich, ein sugar."
0:24:26 > 0:24:28The Mugabe fashion line is the latest
0:24:28 > 0:24:29in what commentators are calling...
0:24:31 > 0:24:34It's not just in Zimbabwe - trendsetters in Tehran
0:24:34 > 0:24:37are regularly seen out wearing their President Ahma-dinner jackets.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Now it's time for the Missing Words round.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46This week's guest publication is Hot Dip Galvanizing.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49It used to be called Dip Galvanizing,
0:24:49 > 0:24:51until it was bought by Richard Desmond.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54And we start with...
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Plastic surgery to look like David Dimbleby.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04MILES: A number of completely unrelated items.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Well, she think she's seen them 140 times -
0:25:13 > 0:25:16she might just have seen one of them 280 times.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Next...
0:25:22 > 0:25:23MILES: Duets.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26The answer is "slept".
0:25:26 > 0:25:28AUDIENCE MEMBER GASPS
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Yes, you're right to gasp.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33This is the Australian fisherman
0:25:33 > 0:25:35who thought he'd caught a barramundi fish
0:25:35 > 0:25:38and found it was a six-foot saltwater crocodile.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41I recently went fishing in the canal and I caught a barramundi.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Then I caught an old boot Tuesdi and a shopping trolley Wednesdi.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46Next...
0:25:49 > 0:25:51"Can't I be called Mr Chubby Chops instead?"
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Director of Fat says, "Put it over there with the rest of the fat."
0:25:59 > 0:26:02"Stop asking me, it's obvious - the fat pile's there."
0:26:10 > 0:26:12This is an article about the new BBC studios
0:26:12 > 0:26:14which appeared in Hot Dip Galvanizing.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16FAT is an organisation, uh....
0:26:18 > 0:26:19Yeah.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20And finally...
0:26:25 > 0:26:28MILES: Limbs...in a bath of acid,
0:26:28 > 0:26:31is referred to as "a little suspicious".
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Steel in a bath of zinc is referred to as galvanizing.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- Steel is right, for the first one. - Galvanizing?
0:26:42 > 0:26:46- It's "steel in a bath of molten zinc..."- Zinc - I said zinc!
0:26:46 > 0:26:48- "..is referred to as hot dip galvanizing."- I said galvanizing,
0:26:48 > 0:26:50but I don't expect any points on this show.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Well, you should have gone on the Zinc Galvanizing Show, then.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58This is from Hot Dip Galvanizing, which features an article
0:26:58 > 0:27:02about a new sports complex in Ostfildern in Germany which has...
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Or, as we call it, a door.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17So the final scores are Ian's team has five points,
0:27:17 > 0:27:20but Paul's team has seven points.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22APPLAUSE
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Ian and Matt have this...
0:27:30 > 0:27:32"What's that, Skippy?
0:27:32 > 0:27:34"The guy fell down the stairs and none of us touched him?"
0:27:34 > 0:27:36LAUGHTER
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Paul and Miles get that...
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Bastard wears hat.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48LAUGHTER
0:27:48 > 0:27:50APPLAUSE
0:27:50 > 0:27:54And I leave you with news that it's a job well done for one young man
0:27:54 > 0:27:56as he successfully ties his own shoelaces.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Facing a hefty libel payout,
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Sally and John Bercow attempt to raise some extra cash
0:28:04 > 0:28:06by posing for a naked photo shoot.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13And even at the age of 127,
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Japan's oldest man can still manage to visit the tanning salon.
0:28:21 > 0:28:22Goodnight.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd