0:00:40 > 0:00:43Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45I'm Mel Giedroyc. - I'm Ray Winstone.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47I'm Richard Osman. - I'm Kathy Burke.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49I'm Jo Brand. In the news this week,
0:00:49 > 0:00:53backstage at Strictly Come Dancing, Bruce Forsyth's family
0:00:53 > 0:00:56watch him finally get to the end of an autocue link.
0:00:56 > 0:01:01LAUGHTER
0:01:01 > 0:01:04There's evidence that whilst Nigella Lawson was on drugs
0:01:04 > 0:01:07she may have made a few mistakes with her burrito recipe.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15And in Cyprus,
0:01:15 > 0:01:18after his meeting with the finance minister is cancelled,
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls has two hours to
0:01:21 > 0:01:23kill before his flight home.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:01:34 > 0:01:38This is the funeral of Margaret Thatcher, and the man of the moment,
0:01:38 > 0:01:41who has had a haircut by the look of it.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Oh! LAUGHTER
0:01:44 > 0:01:47A man with clear political vision.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48I did think that about halfway through.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Having started off thinking, "What a waste of money."
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Then I thought, "Well, actually, we've got all this kit,
0:01:54 > 0:01:58"we've got these cathedrals, we've got the choir, we've got the army,
0:01:58 > 0:02:01"might as well use them, really."
0:02:01 > 0:02:03It was great. I mean, I do like funerals,
0:02:03 > 0:02:05and I realised halfway through, "I'm really enjoying this
0:02:05 > 0:02:08"and I don't really care whose funeral it is."
0:02:08 > 0:02:11People like you, Ian. I bought your magazine this week.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Page after page after page.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- You adored... - That's how magazines work.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20They work like that. Just one of them and it's just a sheet of paper.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24There was a moment, in fact, I actually thought that the
0:02:24 > 0:02:27great lady herself was going to come to life once more.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29- Oh, really? - Because...
0:02:29 > 0:02:32That would have been interesting television, wouldn't it?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Well, it would have been wonderful for the world.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37But the reason I thought that... LAUGHTER
0:02:37 > 0:02:40..I thought it might have happened, seriously, is I glanced under
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- David Cameron, the Prime Minster's, chair...- Yes.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46He was seated adjacent to the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh,
0:02:46 > 0:02:50and under his chair was a bottle of Evian water.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54French Water in St Paul's at Margaret Thatcher's funeral.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56I was surprised that the casket didn't burst open,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59and a hand come out and grab it from under the chair.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03She would not have approved of that.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Most people don't come back from the dead because of mineral water.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Did you see how the BBC announced the news?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Yes. Can we see it again?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14I have to interrupt you there cos there's one more line,
0:03:14 > 0:03:18just as you were reading that, which has come in from Lord Bell.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21And he's been quoted saying, "It is with great sadness that
0:03:21 > 0:03:25"Mark and Carol Thatcher announce that their mother Baroness Thatcher
0:03:25 > 0:03:28"died peacefully following a strike this morning."
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Did you hear about Julian Stiles? According to The Mirror...
0:03:52 > 0:03:5530 years without a job?
0:03:55 > 0:03:59Pull your finger out, Julian, you lazy bastard!
0:04:02 > 0:04:04I'll chin you, you bastard!
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Let's abandon this show. Let's...
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Brian says, "Who wants a fight?"
0:04:14 > 0:04:15I'm going... Am I on that?
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Yes, you're on this now.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18I don't know what you're on.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Jeffrey Archer paid tribute to Lady Thatcher, saying...
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Jeffrey Archer, not just a terrible writer,
0:04:34 > 0:04:36but also a terrible writer.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Yes. UKIP. That's Ken Clarke.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46This is the crushing defeat of the Conservative Party.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50Well, you may laugh, but by the time this goes out...
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Nigel Farage will be Prime Minister.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55That's the problem - Kenneth Clarke.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58The Tories were incredibly scared that UKIP would take
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- all their seats, so Kenneth Clown... - Kenneth Clown!
0:05:01 > 0:05:04APPLAUSE
0:05:07 > 0:05:08Thank goodness it wasn't Jeremy Hunt.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11APPLAUSE
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Which other high calibre names are lining up to be UKIP General
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Election candidates? Do you know?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- Both the Hamiltons.- That's right. - Christine and Neil.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Yes, you groan.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28But come the Farage cabinet, you're looking at the Home Secretary...
0:05:29 > 0:05:32..and the First Lord of the Admiralty.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34That's Christine.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41I don't think there are any loonies on the right of British politics.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- You don't think that Nigel Farage is insane?
0:05:43 > 0:05:44No, no, I don't.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46I think Nigel Farage is broadly a good egg.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53- Nigel Farage is, like, the fevered wet dream of Jeremy Clarkson,
0:05:53 > 0:05:54that is all he is.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- I'm not sure I quite understand.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Shall we have a look at Farage on the front page
0:06:03 > 0:06:04of the Times this week?
0:06:09 > 0:06:13It's Hitler combined with a sort of one-sided Fu Manchu.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Tommy Robinson, what did he do this week?
0:06:15 > 0:06:18He resigned from the English Defence League and...
0:06:18 > 0:06:21And found out, much to his horror, that a lot of them are racist.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25And do you know what Tommy Robinson does for a living?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Does he work at the United Nations?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- He also used to run a tanning shop. - Exactly right, yes.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- What? Changing the colour of people's skin?- Yeah.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41So your customer comes in, "Come in, madam."
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Half an hour later, "You can get out!"
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Explaining his decision to quit the EDL, Tommy Robinson said...
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Yes, it's always the tiny minority that makes
0:06:56 > 0:06:58marching on a mosque such an unpleasant experience.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03I don't know who these people are.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05So, what...?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I can't say who these people are or I can say who they are...?
0:07:08 > 0:07:12- We are allowed to report the facts. - OK. 1066 was the Battle of Hastings.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17I mean, Andy Coulson is still allowed to give interviews in GQ.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19I mean, we're not allowed to say anything about him
0:07:19 > 0:07:22under the laws of contempt, obviously, and I wouldn't want to.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Instead... If we are so wary of words,
0:07:27 > 0:07:28is there any way you could express
0:07:28 > 0:07:30an opinion through contemporary dance?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39You'll get sued. You'll get sued.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45At last, someone could go to prison for mime.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49There's one High Court case we can talk about.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Did anyone see Bernie Ecclestone turning up for his case?
0:07:52 > 0:07:56It was great. He was rather baffled by the concept of revolving doors.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Here he goes. Now so far, so good, you see?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Now, just come - walk out. No, no...
0:08:02 > 0:08:04No, no, no.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06No, no, no...
0:08:09 > 0:08:12This is the trial of Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Since we can't make jokes about any of the defendants,
0:08:14 > 0:08:16let's make some jokes about you, Godfrey.
0:08:18 > 0:08:23Here's what you got up to 30 years ago on your stag night.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28VICTORIA: Oh, bless her, she's doing such a good job of smiling,
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- isn't she?- Oh, I know.- Amazing.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33GODFREY: I was a good looking dude in those days, Victoria.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35- You're very good looking now. - Very kind of you.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- But it's possible that standing there in just her pants
0:08:38 > 0:08:40while a man in a suit rubs his face in her tits wasn't the greatest
0:08:40 > 0:08:44night of her life. It's possible. APPLAUSE
0:08:46 > 0:08:49I know you've said that women aren't very good drivers,
0:08:49 > 0:08:53but they're much better than men at finding the mustard in the pantry.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57And I wondered, was that a euphemism?
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Like, have you often found yourself, you know, with women,
0:09:01 > 0:09:03and you feel like you've been rummaging for ages
0:09:03 > 0:09:04in the pantry, and...
0:09:06 > 0:09:09You know, she's screaming, "You just can't find the mustard."
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Is that... LAUGHTER
0:09:12 > 0:09:13..where that came from?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16I'm sorry, are we talking French or English?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21This week it was reported that the Mirror Group is now facing 55 claims
0:09:21 > 0:09:24of phone hacking, so before we're not allowed to talk about that case,
0:09:24 > 0:09:27can I just say, Piers Morgan is a total arse.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- It's Ed.- Is Ed Miliband trying not listen to an Ed Balls speech?
0:09:34 > 0:09:38Oh, look, there's someone spying on him from the Mail.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39And that's Karl Marx's grave.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42This is the Labour Conference, and they had Damian McBride's book.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- Yes, Damian McBride was hoping to upstage the Conference.- Yes.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Did you see him being introduced on Newsnight?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Damian McBride.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53McPoison, as he's known to his many enemies,
0:09:53 > 0:09:55or McPrickface as he was referred to
0:09:55 > 0:09:58in a recent cache of Downing Street e-mails.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06He's so used to being called McPrickface...
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Would anyone like to see the chat up technique
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- of Danny "Fancy A Brandy?" Alexander?- Oh, yeah.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- This Conference has been so busy. FEMALE JOURNALIST:- Yeah.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17I've had so many things to do. So, I haven't been up late, um...
0:10:19 > 0:10:22..relaxing in the bar, so that's not a problem.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- That'll come on...Wednesday, maybe? - Maybe tonight.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Maybe tonight, good.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27- How about you?- Um...
0:10:33 > 0:10:36What have Ed Balls and Ed Miliband been 'inting at?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- Been...?- Been hinting at?- Yeah.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44- What have they been hinting at? - Don't know.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46So posh.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47- Oh!- You're wearing a suit.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48I can afford it.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55That's cos you don't pay any tax.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57AUDIENCE GROANS
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Aww.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01That's why he's dressed up, he was in court this morning.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Also, did anyone see how Mark Austin addressed ITV's News at Ten viewers
0:11:07 > 0:11:09- this week?- No.- Would you like to?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11- Yes.- Yeah.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13This is ITV News at Ten,
0:11:13 > 0:11:16with Mark Austin and Julie Etchingham.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Good evening, paedophiles.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25Brilliant!
0:11:28 > 0:11:31This is Camilla, and she made her first speech in French,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34and she was a bit nervous about it, but it went very well.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37She's a golden creature that seems to bathe in heavenly light
0:11:37 > 0:11:39wherever she goes.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41She smokes fags, as well.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43- That's correct.- It IS correct.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46And before she set off, she had a word with the press,
0:11:46 > 0:11:48and sounded extremely confident
0:11:48 > 0:11:50about how well her first solo trip would go.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- My first solo.- Brilliant.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54My first solo - probably my last.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56No, no, no!
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Yeah, and it would've been, had the Duke of Edinburgh's men
0:11:58 > 0:12:00not been waiting in the wrong tunnel.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:12:04 > 0:12:09What did Dame Helen Mirren do while dressed as the Queen?
0:12:09 > 0:12:12She was doing the audience in the West End of London,
0:12:12 > 0:12:15reprising her role as Her Majesty the Queen,
0:12:15 > 0:12:20- and a bunch of gay drummers was drowning her out.- Mm.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22And she come out and complained about it.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- I think... - She told them to- BLEEP- off.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27How did they know it wasn't the Queen?
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Precisely, yeah.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31They must've thought, "Bloody hell!"
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- Well... - When she says- BLEEP- off...
0:12:35 > 0:12:36- Yeah, you stay- BLEEP- -ed off.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Helen Mirren stormed out of her West End play this week
0:12:41 > 0:12:45in order to shout at a group of drummers publicising a gay festival.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46The organiser said...
0:12:55 > 0:12:58What, a screaming queen on a gay parade? That IS a shock.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Er, this is clearly somebody trying to post letters, there.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07There's the dog helping him out.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09The Royal Mail has been sold off, hasn't it, Mark?
0:13:09 > 0:13:14Now, even Thatcher said, "We will not privatise the Royal Mail,"
0:13:14 > 0:13:16but this lot have decided to do it.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20And you have to conclude they really, genuinely would sell their granny.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22It's as if the country is being run by Ryanair, now.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25You just pay for your little thing, and that's it, nothing else.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28"I don't want to pay for libraries, I don't go to the library.
0:13:28 > 0:13:33"I'm not paying for the fire service, I'm not on fire.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35"Look at all the money that gets wasted on guide dogs.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38"I can't climb a tree, nobody buys me a gibbon."
0:13:38 > 0:13:40APPLAUSE
0:13:42 > 0:13:43According to the Times,
0:13:43 > 0:13:45this might not be the last privatisation we see, as well.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48What else have they suggested might be privatised?
0:13:48 > 0:13:49The Queen.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52They haven't yet, but that would be oversubscribed, wouldn't it?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54I'd like a piece of her.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59I've heard the rumours.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01What else have they got left to sell off?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I think the next one will be lampposts.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06I think they'll sell off lampposts,
0:14:06 > 0:14:08only you'll have to put 5p in a little meter.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11And it'll give you just enough light to get to the next one,
0:14:11 > 0:14:12and you'll put another 5p in.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Somewhere George Osborne is writing that down.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18You know that, don't you?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Yes, this is the mad rush to buy shares in the Royal Mail.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23To our younger viewers, a letter is a bit like a text,
0:14:23 > 0:14:25but you write it down with a pen and you put it in an envelope,
0:14:25 > 0:14:27and then buy a sort of sticker to put on it,
0:14:27 > 0:14:30and then you put it in the hole in one of those red boxes,
0:14:30 > 0:14:32and within two days it'll be delivered to the wrong house
0:14:32 > 0:14:34somewhere near where your friend lives.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Dancing, socks.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- Oh, more Scottish dancing. - More dancing.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42You're talking about dancing a lot, aren't you? Yes.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Yeah, I'm sorry, we'll get on with it. Um...
0:14:45 > 0:14:49If they go independent, the Chancellor has said to them,
0:14:49 > 0:14:50"Well, you can't have the pound."
0:14:50 > 0:14:54- Ah.- And Alex Salmond, who will be in charge of Scotland...
0:14:54 > 0:14:56His title isn't clear yet, it may be King.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Last year, he was really keen on having the euro
0:15:00 > 0:15:03but then something happened, er...
0:15:03 > 0:15:05So what do the Scots want?
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Well, we don't know yet, we haven't asked them on the referendum.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Well, hold on a minute. They want independence...
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- If I give the wrong answer, do you get out the pliers?- No, you get cut.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18So what's the latest economic news, then?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21We nearly went into recession but we didn't,
0:15:21 > 0:15:22so George Osborne says, "That's fine.
0:15:22 > 0:15:27"We've got enormous growth of about 0.3%."
0:15:27 > 0:15:31- That's bang on, yeah, which is four-fifths of- BLEEP- all.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37We're still apparently 1.2 trillion in debt
0:15:37 > 0:15:40and if we pay back at this rate, how long would it take to clear it?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43It depends if we go to Wonga or not.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51- 400 years.- (God!)- So it's not really our problem, is it?
0:15:54 > 0:15:59This is a row as to whether the independent Scotland would be
0:15:59 > 0:16:01able to use the pound as its currency.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06Alex Salmond has called for the creation of a Sterling-Zone,
0:16:06 > 0:16:10which sounds good but the way the economy is going, I think
0:16:10 > 0:16:12we'd be calling it Poundland.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19- It's a train.- Mm-hm. - Oh, that's a proper train.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Yes, well, you know they're building this enormous boondoggle up north,
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- Ian, and...- Is that a technical term?
0:16:24 > 0:16:25Yes, boondoggle, it's...
0:16:25 > 0:16:28In economics, it's called a big fricking waste of money.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32You can't get to Birmingham fast enough.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34You can in your virtual self.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Impossible.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Do you know this week's figure of how much it's going to cost?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43I think it's 130 zillion.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Well, the government's current budget is 50 billion,
0:16:47 > 0:16:51although one independent study says it's going to cost 80 billion.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53You've got Mark Carney now as the Bank Of England chief,
0:16:53 > 0:16:56he can just print it. Just print any bill, just print it,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59that's what he does, that's what he's there for. Print more money.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Doesn't matter if it's 100 million, 200 million,
0:17:01 > 0:17:02just print money, it's fine.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05You put the money in the train and take it to Birmingham.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09Listen, max - one hour 20 minutes to Birmingham. It's too long.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13It's more like an hour.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Did you hear the actual words of the dire warning from the government
0:17:16 > 0:17:19about the consequences if Labour do not and everybody does not...?
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- I'd like to hear you say it. - The precise words were...
0:17:27 > 0:17:30It's just hard to imagine what that would be like, isn't it?
0:17:33 > 0:17:37And so to Round Two, The One-Armed Bandit Of News.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the first one.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47BUZZER
0:17:47 > 0:17:49That's a mocked-up Alex Ferguson, Sir Alex Ferguson,
0:17:49 > 0:17:53English football's most successful ever manager has just resigned.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Absolutely. John, will you be writing a poem for the occasion?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- Are you a Man United fan?- I approached this from the wrong angle.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01I was looking at this monitor and that monitor
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- and trying to spot the 15 differences.- Oh, I see, yes.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09I'm going to have to give this one a swerve.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- So can we do a quick Fergie quiz? - Yeah. Yes, please.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15What does Alex Ferguson keep by his bed?
0:18:15 > 0:18:16His wife.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Hopefully he keeps her in his bed, not by it.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Do you think she has to stand there all night?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30She's on the subs bench until she...
0:18:30 > 0:18:32He calls her on.
0:18:35 > 0:18:41No, he keeps... By his bed, he keeps JFK's autopsy report.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Now can anyone here impersonate a Liverpudlian?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I have to tell you that Jon Snow can't.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Here he is discussing Alex Ferguson's departure.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55Well, I was driven here by a Liverpool supporter who said...
0:18:55 > 0:18:58LIKE A PIRATE: "Oh, I hope they take Moyes..."
0:18:58 > 0:19:00because they really do regard him.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- LIKE A PIRATE:- When the tide is high
0:19:08 > 0:19:11and the crow flies towards the horizon...
0:19:12 > 0:19:15..there will be change of management, arr!
0:19:18 > 0:19:20This is the retirement of Sir Alex Ferguson.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23As the news spread on Wednesday, shocked Man United fans
0:19:23 > 0:19:25gathered in the city centre,
0:19:25 > 0:19:27bringing London's traffic to a standstill.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31BELL RINGS
0:19:31 > 0:19:36This is the new motto for the Fukushima nuclear power plant
0:19:36 > 0:19:39which had a meltdown last year and unbelievably...
0:19:39 > 0:19:42I don't know if I can actually say this live,
0:19:42 > 0:19:46but this character, because it's Fukushima, is known as Fukuppy.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Amazingly, you're almost exactly right.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57This is Fukuppy,
0:19:57 > 0:20:01the mascot of Fukushima industries which makes commercial freezers.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04"It really is a schoolboy error for a company to leave
0:20:04 > 0:20:07"the name of its fridges open to such puerile jokes,"
0:20:07 > 0:20:09said the managing director of Smeg.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- I know this one.- Is it inbreeding in the Royal Family?
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- Isn't that the Duke of Clarence?- I'm quite nervous, it's my first show.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28I mean, my dad actually rang me and went, "Don't spoil this for us."
0:20:33 > 0:20:35What a starter for 10.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41He had me sat there, going, "Just don't, don't,"
0:20:41 > 0:20:42because there's a discussion
0:20:42 > 0:20:44going on around me and in my head
0:20:44 > 0:20:46two kittens are fighting over a pork chop.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Is it the original Olympic...?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- There's beer swilling and shin kicking and...- Yes, go on.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- The Cotswold Olympics.- That's it.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57They were chronicled in an ancient pamphlet which is up for auction.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Let's see if you can identify the sort of games that were played
0:21:00 > 0:21:02using an image taken from the book.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Well, it looks like sword fighting we can see top right,
0:21:05 > 0:21:06standing on your head in the middle...
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- Yeah.- ..misunderstanding perspective.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12That was a very popular sport at the time.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Anyone know what dwile flonking is?
0:21:15 > 0:21:19It sounds like a daytime presenter - over to Dwile Flonking.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- Is that the beer thing? - Yes.- Well done.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- It's dodging beer-soaked rags. - Dodging beer-soaked rags.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Why would you dodge them?
0:21:34 > 0:21:38Now it's time to play The Wheel Of News Or Not News.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42I'll spin the wheel and you have to identify the story and tell me
0:21:42 > 0:21:44if it's news or not news.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48BUZZER
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Not news.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- It's... What's the story?- There isn't a story, it's not news.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59It's a policeman giving
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Iain Duncan Smith a head massage.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Clairvoyant police?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06It is clairvoyant police.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09And it's...
0:22:09 > 0:22:12The police are going to be able to predict crimes before they happen.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- You think I'm making it up?- No. - No, you're not making it up,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18you're reading out something that somebody else has made up.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- According to Pre-crime Commander, Simon Letchford...- Pre-crime?!
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Which has already identified the county of Midsomer.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36The technique of identifying
0:22:36 > 0:22:39and arresting potential criminals before they commit a crime is
0:22:39 > 0:22:41based on a method developed by the Metropolitan Police.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Know as "institutional racism".
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Time now for the Odd-One Out Round.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52Cliff Richard,
0:22:52 > 0:22:54the Oxford cox,
0:22:54 > 0:22:56the Norwegian log fire
0:22:56 > 0:22:59and the new Dutch King's inaugural song.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03The new Dutch King had a song written for his coronation,
0:23:03 > 0:23:06a special song...and decided he hated it.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- The Oxford cox. He swore a lot during the race, this year.- Yes.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Swore like a porn star all the way through.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19Wasn't there a Norwegian TV show about logs, and getting logs,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21and putting them in a fire?
0:23:21 > 0:23:23And they complained about the way the logs were stacked.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- That's exactly right.- But no-one has ever complained about Cliff.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28It's about people moaning.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Cliff isn't known for making people moan, is he?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33LAUGHTER
0:23:34 > 0:23:37They have all caused an audience to complain
0:23:37 > 0:23:41apart from Cliff Richard whose music caused his audience to die.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44According to Gardeners' Question Time,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47a study conducted on the effect of music on plants
0:23:47 > 0:23:51revealed that the plants which had been played Cliff's music all died.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55A song composed to mark the inauguration
0:23:55 > 0:23:58of the new King of the Netherlands was withdrawn by the composer
0:23:58 > 0:24:01after it attracted a storm of criticism.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Let's have a look.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05THEY SING IN DUTCH
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Perhaps he's trying to get a reduction on his car insurance?
0:24:29 > 0:24:33According to the Daily Telegraph, in musical terms, the song is
0:24:36 > 0:24:38..known as crap.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43- I think I'd rather like that. Zadok the- BLEEP.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Best reaction I've ever got out of Paul.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02- You've never said- BLEEP- before.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09It's time, now, for the Missing Words Round,
0:25:09 > 0:25:12which this week features as its guest publication...
0:25:17 > 0:25:21..the magazine of the North of England Rat Society.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25For northerners who don't find pigeons dirty enough.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31And we start with...
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Sexual tension.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41MILES: The body count. It was an absolute blood bath.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43The safety officer.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Looks all right to me.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Just chuck the rats on it.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53This is good stuff.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55The overall standard of ears.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57Next...
0:26:00 > 0:26:02One of the rounds on Bake Off.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Do you think you can just add boiling water and come back again?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13The process reduces the body to powder,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16and has been pioneered by a company called...
0:26:18 > 0:26:20..whose slogan proudly states,
0:26:20 > 0:26:22"We're the people who put the gran into granules".
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Next...
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Can't I be called Mr Chubby Chops instead?
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Director of Fat says, "Put it over there with the rest of the fat.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41"Stop asking me, it's obvious, that pile there."
0:26:42 > 0:26:43It's...
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Next...
0:26:53 > 0:26:55A birdie. An eagle.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- An eagle?- That would be a good story.- Might be owl?
0:26:58 > 0:26:59Takes an owl in his pants?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03A two-week holiday?
0:27:05 > 0:27:06The answer is...
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Next...
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Grow beards.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Leave Saudi Arabia.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25According to the Telegraph,
0:27:25 > 0:27:28the unwelcome visitors to Saudi Arabia were approached by the...
0:27:29 > 0:27:32..with their traditional line of "Allah, Allah, Allah...
0:27:32 > 0:27:34"What's all this then?".
0:27:38 > 0:27:42Before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43"What's that, Skippy?
0:27:43 > 0:27:46"The guy fell down the stairs and none of us touched him?"
0:27:49 > 0:27:51"That's nice, isn't it? I've only just come to visit your country,
0:27:51 > 0:27:53"and here we are remembering old times."
0:28:00 > 0:28:03And I leave you with the news that, on the set of the new Transformers
0:28:03 > 0:28:07movie, one of the extras gives up queuing for the toilet.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16In Aldershot, in the playground of a primary school,
0:28:16 > 0:28:19a pupil prepares for a visit from Michael Gove.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26And as Piers Morgan's success in the States continues to grow,
0:28:26 > 0:28:29he moves his production company into a new office.
0:28:34 > 0:28:35Good night.