:00:40. > :00:46.Good evening. Welcome to 'Have I Got News For You'. I'm Richard Osman. In
:00:47. > :00:49.the news this week,the BBC is forced to apologise after cutting to the
:00:49. > :00:54.wrong camera during an interview with Nigel Farage.
:00:54. > :00:59.With yet another story about his love-life about to fill a Sunday
:00:59. > :01:09.newspaper, the victim takes direct action to try and stop the presses.
:01:10. > :01:17.Evidence emerges that the Australian Air Force are developing their own
:01:17. > :01:21.stealth bomber. On Ian's team tonight is a TV presenter who says,
:01:21. > :01:24."History is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to anyone on
:01:24. > :01:27.this planet." Clearly he never saw Todd Carty and Bonnie Langford win
:01:28. > :01:34.the Christmas edition of Celebrity Pointless. Please welcome Dan Snow.
:01:34. > :01:40.And with Paul tonight is a left-wing comedian who has been described by
:01:40. > :01:44.one critic as "so honest, when he talks it's like he's going to start
:01:44. > :01:46.a war at any time." Well, he's good, but he's no Tony Blair. Please
:01:46. > :01:56.welcome Mark Steel. And we start with the bigger stories
:01:56. > :02:07.of the week. Ian and Dan, take a look at this.
:02:07. > :02:11.This is goodbye. Chloe Smith. Diane Abbot. Yes, goodbye to you, too.
:02:11. > :02:17.Goodbye. He is one of the other ones. Don't know who even he doesn't
:02:17. > :02:20.know who he is. This is reshuffles. The big political parties have
:02:20. > :02:22.decided it's time to reshuffle their teams. It's extraordinary. The
:02:22. > :02:25.change is unbelievable. Within a day, no-one 's noticed. As a swing
:02:25. > :02:29.voter, it's completely convinced me. Has it? Yes. I'm definitely voting
:02:29. > :02:33.for one of them now. What all the parties have done is bring in women
:02:33. > :02:37.which is one of those moves that even the Beeb will do. Um? I'm quite
:02:37. > :02:48.willing to have the operation, if it helps.
:02:48. > :02:57.Anyway, what do you want to know? We got three people who used to work
:02:57. > :02:59.for breakfast television have been promoted.
:02:59. > :03:01.Who are the three daytime TV hosts who were promoted? This is like your
:03:01. > :03:05.Pointless programme. It is a little bit. Except I am
:03:05. > :03:08.allowed to say BLEEP, that's the difference.
:03:08. > :03:11.For the benefit of those of us who have jobs and don't watch daytime
:03:11. > :03:13.television. I've been a student for so long, I've forgotten who is on
:03:13. > :03:17.daytime television. You know what, how dare you? 5.30
:03:17. > :03:25.isn't daytime, it's early evening. Access prime. Exactly. It's daytime.
:03:25. > :03:35.Tell us the names of these three ladies. Esther McVey, Anna Soubry,
:03:35. > :03:40.another Tory, and Gloria de Piero. Let's look at Esther McVey. What is
:03:40. > :03:43.her new job? She has gone to work and pensions.
:03:43. > :03:48.She's been asked to play the role of Iain Duncan Smith's Number two. But
:03:48. > :03:54.it's not all about TV presenters being promoted.
:03:54. > :04:03.Another person has been promoted by Ed Miliband, Tristram Hunt NP. A TV
:04:03. > :04:08.historian. He is my competition. He is not your competition any more. It
:04:08. > :04:19.historian. He is my competition. He is better to be a journalist. I love
:04:19. > :04:28.your history of the railways. I did a programme about Doctor Beeching's
:04:28. > :04:35.cuts. Prime access. 5.30. It is hard to make trains interesting. You did
:04:35. > :04:42.it well. Portillo did it well. He is charismatic. Paul, I it when you go
:04:42. > :04:48.to India, on the trains and that. It is a wonder people do it when you
:04:48. > :04:52.can't do it right. Another man was promoted in the reshuffle.
:04:53. > :04:59.That was Alistair Carmichael. He is the Minister of state for Scotland.
:04:59. > :05:07.Give it 18 months, and he is gay to be an answer on Pilots. The first in
:05:08. > :05:13.the queue to -- going to be an answer on Pointless. The first in
:05:13. > :05:24.the queue to shake his hand was Nick Clegg.
:05:24. > :05:29.It went on for seven years. During the seven years War, it was said
:05:29. > :05:36.that the ministers used to change like the scenery at the opera. So
:05:36. > :05:48.often. Really? Why didn't you say that, Paul? Because it was boring.
:05:48. > :06:00.There were a huge emotions as well. -- a few sackings. Ed Miliband
:06:00. > :06:04.sacked Diane Abbott. She wanted to be in charge of the Labour Party.
:06:04. > :06:11.She was never on message. She has been sacked. She will be back to
:06:11. > :06:17.helping Portillo. He is so good on trains. Mind you, anybody can make
:06:17. > :06:27.trains interesting. Most people can make that job funny as well.
:06:27. > :06:35.Who reshuffled themselves? And extremist?
:06:36. > :06:45.Tommy Robinson, you are right. What did he do this we? He resign from
:06:45. > :06:56.the EDL. He found out many of them were racist. They used to go,
:06:56. > :07:05.Muslims out, and it turns out some of them were against Islamist. So I
:07:05. > :07:15.went off of them. Do you know what Tommy Robinson does
:07:15. > :07:22.for a living? Does he work at the United Nations? You can see sick
:07:22. > :07:25.children with Roger Moore and Lulu? He also used to run a tanning shop.
:07:25. > :07:28.Exactly right. What, changing the colour of people's skin?! So your
:07:29. > :07:32.customer comes in, "Come in, madam," half an hour later, "You can get
:07:32. > :07:35.out!" This is the day of reshuffles. According to the Daily Telegraph,
:07:35. > :07:38.Employment Minister Esther McVey once shared the GMTV sofa with
:07:38. > :07:47.Eamonn Holmes. I'm guessing that wasn't half each. Explaining his
:07:47. > :07:50.decision to quit the EDL, Tommy Robinson said, "Here's the thing
:07:50. > :07:54.-10% of our members are dick heads." Yes, it's always the tiny minority
:07:54. > :07:58.that makes marching on a mosque such an unpleasant experience. Paul and
:07:58. > :08:01.Mark, take a look at this. This is clearly somebody trying to
:08:01. > :08:06.post letters there, the dog is helping him out. The dog might be
:08:07. > :08:13.replacing the postman in the new privatised service. And then
:08:13. > :08:17.postmen, in an act of revenge, will bite dogs. The Royal Mail is being
:08:17. > :08:20.sold off, isn't it? Even Thatcher said we will not
:08:20. > :08:24.privatise the Royal Mail. But this lot have decided to do it, and you
:08:24. > :08:27.have to conclude these people really would genuinely sell their granny,
:08:27. > :08:31.they would go, "Granny, come on, you are no use to society, you are too
:08:31. > :08:35.expensive, we're having to drive you round to your mates' funeral. Take
:08:35. > :08:38.around to the tanning shop and get her brick -- deported.
:08:38. > :08:45.Can I guess you haven't applied for shares? I have, but? It's just, it's
:08:45. > :08:49.horrible. Everything about this government is rolled up into one
:08:49. > :08:53.story. It is as if the country is run by Ryanair now. You pay for your
:08:53. > :08:57.little bit and nothing else. "I don't want to pay for libraries, I
:08:57. > :09:01.don't go to the library. All this money wasted on guide dogs. I can't
:09:01. > :09:03.climb a tree, nobody buys me a gibbon." It was hugely
:09:03. > :09:11.oversubscribed though, that's the key. About seven times as many
:09:11. > :09:15.people trying to get the shares as there are shares. All this idea that
:09:16. > :09:19.it is going to be capitalism that reaches out to the poor, and the
:09:19. > :09:23.bank that is organising this that is going to make a huge amount of money
:09:23. > :09:28.is Goldman Sachs. You think, it's about time they had a break, isn't
:09:28. > :09:33.it? Labour is saying it is being sold off on the cheap. Because it is
:09:34. > :09:37.massively oversubscribed. The logic is clearly, "We've got to sell off
:09:37. > :09:40.the post office." And then the market says, "Actually, everybody
:09:40. > :09:43.wants a piece, it is really valuable." Which raises the
:09:43. > :09:47.question, why are we selling it off then? If it's a state asset, why
:09:47. > :09:50.can't we keep it? And the answer is, they don't know. According to The
:09:50. > :09:54.Times, this might not be the last privatisation we see as well. What
:09:54. > :09:57.else are they suggesting might be privatised? The Queen. They haven't
:09:57. > :10:04.yet, but that would be oversubscribed, wouldn't it? I'd
:10:04. > :10:09.like a piece of her. I've heard the rumours. What else have they got
:10:09. > :10:20.left to sell off? I think the next one will be lamp posts. They'll sell
:10:20. > :10:24.off lamp posts and you'll have to put 5p in a little meter. It will
:10:24. > :10:32.give you just enough light to get to the next one and you put another one
:10:32. > :10:35.in. Somewhere George Osborne is writing that down, you know that,
:10:35. > :10:38.don't you? You know Royal Mail owns a brilliant miniature electric
:10:38. > :10:42.railway. It goes from Paddington to Whitechapel. It hasn't been used for
:10:42. > :10:45.about eight or ten years. That would be brilliant, wouldn't it, to use
:10:45. > :10:48.that? Yeah, they're thinking about using it for shops on Oxford Street.
:10:48. > :10:52.They could have their own little spouts and they put the goods up and
:10:52. > :10:55.down it and it whizzes around. Mark, you were saying earlier that
:10:55. > :10:59.Margaret Thatcher always refused to sell off the Royal Mail. What reason
:10:59. > :11:02.did she give? Oh, wasn't it something about the Queen's head,
:11:02. > :11:06.wasn't it? Yes, she said: It was Denis's favourite pub, I think. Yes,
:11:06. > :11:10.this is the mad rush to buy shares in the Royal Mail. To our younger
:11:10. > :11:14.viewers, a letter is a bit like a text but you write it down with a
:11:14. > :11:19.pen and you put it in an envelope, then you buy a sticker to put on it,
:11:19. > :11:23.then you put it in the hole in one of those red boxes and within two
:11:23. > :11:26.days it will be delivered to the wrong house somewhere near where
:11:26. > :11:29.your friend lives. The shares were priced at £3.30. No-one quite
:11:29. > :11:32.understands how they got to that price. It was a bit like trying to
:11:33. > :11:36.buy a stamp for something that doesn't weigh very much but is quite
:11:36. > :11:39.wide. Ian and Dan, here's another for you. That's newspapers, you
:11:39. > :11:42.won't see them for much longer. Lord Leveson and that's the Prime
:11:42. > :11:46.Minister. Oh, this is the Privy Council is going to report on press
:11:46. > :11:49.freedom and the plans to regulate the press and they've decided to
:11:49. > :11:53.reject the newspapers' own solution and have a Royal Charter, but the
:11:53. > :11:56.main thing that's coming out of the proposal is that publications that
:11:56. > :11:59.won't join up to the regulator such as, say, a small magazine like
:11:59. > :12:03.Private Eye, those publications if they get involved in a libel action
:12:03. > :12:07.and they win, they win, they prove that they were right to say it, they
:12:07. > :12:11.will not only have to pay all their own costs, they'll have to pay all
:12:11. > :12:14.the costs of the person who sued them. That is now law. That's
:12:14. > :12:16.already been enacted by the government, not by anyone
:12:16. > :12:21.independent, by the politicians. So the idea that then given any say on
:12:21. > :12:23.the rest of the press they will act responsibly, they won't, they'll
:12:23. > :12:27.punish those whose views they don't like who won't play ball and
:12:27. > :12:30.obviously that may well be me. It ought to be simple. It's only
:12:31. > :12:34.because it was Leveson, one of these chaps who sits there going, "Oh,
:12:34. > :12:37.I've spent 84 years looking through a billion pages," and really he
:12:37. > :12:40.should have just sat there and gone, "Oh, for Christ's sake, all you
:12:40. > :12:44.horrible bustards, you're just in jail and that's..." It was simple,
:12:44. > :12:46.that's what happened. Everyone said, well, Lord Leveson, he reported,
:12:46. > :12:49.nothing happened. It did happen, they closed down the biggest
:12:49. > :12:52.newspaper in the country, scores of people have been arrested,
:12:52. > :12:57.journalists, lots of people have been prosecuted, it's a big result.
:12:57. > :13:00.It's probably difficult at this time if people find themselves siding
:13:00. > :13:03.with the Daily Mail. You're not. But that's what people are thinking.
:13:03. > :13:05.They are thinking I'm lining up with Murdoch and Dacre, that's very
:13:05. > :13:12.embarrassing. I'm embarrassed, internally I'm crawling. But in
:13:12. > :13:17.Britain we have a free press. It's not a pretty press but it's free.
:13:17. > :13:20.It's like the people who can't bear the Daily Mail, they're saying you
:13:20. > :13:23.should ban it. No, no, no, you don't ban it, you don't ban it, you don't
:13:23. > :13:30.BUY it. APPLAUSE. At least once a week there will be a
:13:30. > :13:34.story in there that goes, have you seen this woman in a council estate
:13:34. > :13:38.and she's got 403 kids and they're all on benefits and now she's bought
:13:38. > :13:41.a giraffe and the giraffe is on benefits and now she's said to the
:13:41. > :13:46.government that she can't fit the giraffe in the house, it's getting a
:13:46. > :13:49.cricked neck so they've put it up in St Paul's Cathedral. Now she's
:13:49. > :13:52.saying that three of her kids have got compulsive snooker syndrome, so
:13:52. > :13:55.the Town Hall has brought a snooker table round but she can't be referee
:13:55. > :13:59.because she's allergic to white gloves, so the mayor has to come
:13:59. > :14:05.round and count up the points, otherwise it will be arrested by
:14:05. > :14:09.Europe. That is absolutely true, but then every now and then the Daily
:14:09. > :14:12.Mail runs a story like the murderers of Stephen Lawrence shouldn't get
:14:12. > :14:16.off scot-free, they did murder him, we are going to campaign for ten
:14:16. > :14:19.years until they get justice. I mean, the free press does good
:14:19. > :14:23.things even if you don't like most of what they do. You have to allow
:14:23. > :14:26.people to do these stories otherwise they won't appear. What you're
:14:26. > :14:28.saying is sometimes Luke Skywalker has to team up with Darth Vader,
:14:28. > :14:39.right? LAUGHTER. Or as I might put it, Churchill with
:14:39. > :14:44.Stalin. Indeed. Just to translate that, that's Darth Vader and Luke
:14:44. > :14:53.Skywalker. LAUGHTER. Presumably, Ian is Churchill in that analogy. Yes.
:14:53. > :14:57.And Stalin is my father. LAUGHTER. So this is all going to come into
:14:57. > :15:00.play on October 30. I've got the official timetable of what happens
:15:00. > :15:03.because it's Privy Council so it's quite confusing. The Queen will
:15:03. > :15:06.attend the Privy Council with her official seal. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
:15:07. > :15:15.Judging by that noise, he's in the front row. CLAPPING.
:15:15. > :15:23.She will then ratify the Royal Charter which editors will be
:15:23. > :15:27.expected to sign up to. Ian Hislop will then be hung for treason. Did
:15:27. > :15:31.you see the journalist Mehdi Hasan taking the Daily Mail to task on
:15:31. > :15:40.Question Time? No. Yes, I did. Oh yes, Ian did. ? He called it:
:15:40. > :15:47.Although the Mail did print this in retaliation. It's a letter from
:15:47. > :15:51.Mehdi Hasan applying for a job at the Mail. In a letter to Paul Dacre
:15:51. > :16:05.a few years ago he says: Ooh. Ouch. Ed Miliband of course has
:16:05. > :16:08.done very well out of his fight with the Mail this week. He's been
:16:08. > :16:13.reinforcing his tough guy image. Let's take a look. LAUGHTER. As an
:16:13. > :16:16.example of press freedom what did the Guardian do that was described
:16:16. > :16:27.this week as the greatest damage to the Western security apparatus in
:16:28. > :16:31.history? It's the new head of MI5. Yes, the new head of MI5. Has said
:16:31. > :16:34.the Guardian has acted really irresponsibly in pointing out that
:16:34. > :16:37.we're spying on people. And the Guardian has said, well, even Obama
:16:37. > :16:40.has said actually we were probably overdoing the spying but in this
:16:40. > :16:44.country everyone's gone absolutely mental and so the Guardian should be
:16:44. > :16:50.put down because they've pointed out that we're all being spied on all
:16:50. > :16:53.the time. You know, it's a matter of consent really. You can debate this
:16:54. > :16:57.and say yes, I would like to be spied on, I know I would. Anyone
:16:57. > :17:01.showing any interest in my life would be terrific. I'd be very, very
:17:01. > :17:05.happy with that. But I think it's a matter for public debate and if we
:17:05. > :17:10.want to pass laws saying we can spy on people, we can. It's just what
:17:10. > :17:14.the Guardian did is point out this is happening and nobody knows it. I
:17:14. > :17:17.always like people's use of the word "in history" because that's quite a
:17:17. > :17:24.long time. What about when the entire British Secret Service was
:17:24. > :17:28.working for the Russians? When did that happen? During the cold, for
:17:28. > :17:45.most of the Cold War. All of them? Pretty much. You think that was
:17:45. > :17:49.pretty bad, wasn't it? So this is clearly also a bit bad but I don't
:17:49. > :17:52.think it's the worst, it's not the worst security breach in history.
:17:52. > :17:55.Also when Judi Dench died. LAUGHTER. Yes, this is the march towards
:17:55. > :17:58.government regulation of the press, which the whole of Fleet Street
:17:58. > :18:01.argues would be an unmitigated disaster. According to the Mail the
:18:01. > :18:04.cross-party agreement was negotiated in Ed Miliband's office over pizza.
:18:04. > :18:07.Pizza, that's Italian, God, Miliband really does hate Britain. Meanwhile
:18:07. > :18:10.in a speech Andrew Parker the head of MI5 has attacked the Guardian and
:18:10. > :18:14.Edward Snowden for harming Britain's intelligence services. Spy master
:18:14. > :18:17.Parker may not look much like he's a specialist in espionage and covert
:18:17. > :18:20.operations, but to be fair to him he is a 60-year-old black woman.
:18:20. > :18:24.LAUGHTER. Paul and Mark, here is another one for you. This is a cat
:18:24. > :18:28.being massaged. There was a story this week not all cats like being
:18:28. > :18:31.stroked and when they are purring it could be a sign of distress. That's
:18:31. > :18:36.exactly right. You mustn't stroke cats. Who was the research done by?
:18:36. > :18:39.It was done by dogs. It was actually done by Professor Daniel Mills of
:18:39. > :18:43.the University of Lincoln. How could he tell that cats were stressed when
:18:43. > :18:46.you stroke them? He had them all wired up. To electricity, which
:18:46. > :18:49.would stress anybody out. He said, when they're handled by humans they
:18:49. > :18:53.let off a small amount of hormone linked to anxiety. I did that at the
:18:53. > :18:57.start of the show. Did you? We're not meant to actually do a full
:18:57. > :19:01.massage on cats, are we? I mean, just if they're feeling a bit down
:19:01. > :19:04.and saying, oh, have you had a terrible day? What's it like
:19:04. > :19:08.outside? Oh, raining again. Oh, is that the cat speaking? That's more
:19:08. > :19:12.of a story in my mind, that the cat is actually talking rather than
:19:12. > :19:16.getting a massage. No, he doesn't say anything. It's me doing the
:19:16. > :19:19.massage. Well, that's misleading. You're the editor of the
:19:19. > :19:26.publication, cats can talk. Where's Lord Leveson when you need him?
:19:26. > :19:30.Working for the dogs. During the test, what proportion of cats
:19:30. > :19:41.enjoyed being strokes? 43%. Oh, you're so close. Ian? Eight out of
:19:41. > :19:46.ten. It was none at all. I'm just going to warn viewers at home now to
:19:46. > :19:47.look away if you don't want to see a photograph of somebody deliberately
:19:47. > :19:53.look away if you don't want to see a stressing out a cat. The Mail Online
:19:53. > :19:56.carried the story and there was a big response in the comments
:19:56. > :20:04.section. For example Alexandra wrote:
:20:04. > :20:10.Round two is called the history noise. I will play you a noise which
:20:10. > :20:14.will relate to a story from this week's news, which has a link to
:20:14. > :20:19.history. Buzz in when you think you know what the story is. Let's hear
:20:19. > :20:25.the first noise. Come on. Come on! Quickly, I need an answer!
:20:25. > :20:32.BUZZER. Merton, Magdelen. That's Jeremy Paxman. It is Jeremy Paxman.
:20:32. > :20:35.And he's just brought a book out, has he, about the First World War?
:20:35. > :20:39.And he was being asked some questions about it at the book
:20:39. > :20:42.Festival, and he didn't know any of the answers to the rather simple
:20:42. > :20:45.questions he was being asked. That's absolutely right. Do you know what
:20:45. > :20:47.he was asked? Yes. BELL RINGS. Hislop. Maudlin. By
:20:47. > :20:49.nature or by...? LAUGHTER. University. And he
:20:49. > :20:53.couldn't answer. What happened to Lord Kitchener? Pretty much the
:20:53. > :20:57.poster boy for World War I. Yeah, he drowned. He was on a ship that hit a
:20:57. > :21:01.mine. He was on his way to Russia. It was a bit of a Cabinet reshuffle,
:21:01. > :21:05.actually. And Paxman didn't know at all. He didn't even know the name of
:21:05. > :21:06.the soldier in that tomb in Westminster Abbey!
:21:07. > :21:10.LAUGHTER. That's inexcusable, isn't it, Dan? Yes, and it's also
:21:10. > :21:14.inexcusable to be a BBC history presenter that loses out to a man
:21:14. > :21:17.who knows nothing in a big landmark history series about the First World
:21:17. > :21:21.War. So I'm an even bigger failure. Aww. Was it not offered to you? Of
:21:21. > :21:25.course not, no. You were a shoo-in for that job! Well, you would have
:21:25. > :21:28.thought so. In addition to Jeremy Paxman, who else is stupid this
:21:28. > :21:31.week? Oh, is this the global education report? Yes, that's right.
:21:31. > :21:37.The international education report. Britain was 22nd in literacy, and
:21:37. > :21:41.21st in numeracy. And that was out of 20!
:21:41. > :21:45.LAUGHTER. I don't know. I couldn't read it!
:21:45. > :21:48.LAUGHTER. And older people in this country are much more literate and
:21:48. > :21:51.numerate than younger people, and in all the successful countries it's
:21:51. > :21:55.the other way around, which suggests that something has gone wrong.
:21:55. > :21:58.They've got their own language, though, haven't they, 19-year-olds?
:21:58. > :22:03.So have the French! LAUGHTER. Who are the least numerate
:22:03. > :22:07.people on earth? Below us? It was the Americans. They don't even know
:22:07. > :22:14.there's more than one math. LAUGHTER. Yes, Jeremy Paxman is the
:22:14. > :22:18.latest in a long line of people to cash in on... I'm sorry, commemorate
:22:18. > :22:21.World War I. One plan for the commemorations is to replay the
:22:21. > :22:25.famous Christmas Day football match, with a special game between England
:22:25. > :22:30.and Germany to be shown live on Sky Sports on the Sunday.
:22:30. > :22:31.LAUGHTER. Also this week, the cookie monster made and exclusive
:22:31. > :22:41.appearance on Newsnight, saying: I'm so sorry, that was Boris
:22:41. > :22:46.Johnson. LAUGHTER. Let's take a listen to the
:22:46. > :22:53.next history noise. ZIPPING.
:22:53. > :22:57.BUZZER. Paul and Mark. That was a zip? It was a zip. Why is a zip
:22:57. > :23:01.particularly historical this week? It must be the 100th anniversary of
:23:01. > :23:05.the zip. Yes, it's been 100 years to the day since a man first went, "Ow,
:23:05. > :23:13.no, that's just making it worse!". LAUGHTER. I tell you what, if cats
:23:13. > :23:18.don't like being straight, they should try that! Visit appears in
:23:18. > :23:22.the top five in the list of 100 greatest inventions of all time. Can
:23:22. > :23:26.you tell me what else might appear in that top five? Fire! There's a
:23:26. > :23:31.moth in the studio. Moths! A moth. Fire. Fire's got to be one of the
:23:31. > :23:34.top inventions, hasn't it? Er, no. I think fire was a discovery more than
:23:34. > :23:37.an invention. That moth is very, very excited. Someone has got
:23:37. > :23:41.something very old out the wardrobe! I think it's that gentleman's
:23:41. > :23:48.jumper! It shows you how interesting this programme is. Everybody's
:23:48. > :23:52.focusing now on that moth! So, fire. Fire is a discovery. Let's take a
:23:52. > :24:01.look at the top five. They are, in order: Fire! Portable fire, I should
:24:01. > :24:07.have said. What about the moth zapper?
:24:07. > :24:10.LAUGHTER. We could really do with one now. I told you to wait in the
:24:10. > :24:18.van! LAUGHTER. And the next history noise
:24:18. > :24:24.for you. FANFARE.
:24:24. > :24:29.WHISTLE. Ha, ha! BUZZER. Paul again. That's the sound
:24:29. > :24:33.of a football being kicked. It is. And the whistle was a clue that it
:24:33. > :24:36.was football. Some sort of fanfare before that? We have had a football
:24:36. > :24:40.match at Buckingham Palace this week. Exactly right. It's 150 years
:24:40. > :24:43.of the FA? And one of the teams playing was actually one of the 12
:24:43. > :24:48.original teams, Civil Service United. Yes, Civil Service FC. I
:24:48. > :24:51.only read first few... I got so bored of the story, I stopped
:24:51. > :24:55.reading after PO. And that's why, as a historian, you haven't buzzed in
:24:55. > :24:59.for one other question on the history round. No wonder they gave
:24:59. > :25:04.Paxman that documentary! I know. LAUGHTER. Didn't Prince Harry play
:25:04. > :25:07.in this game? Prince William. It was Prince William. Shall we take a look
:25:07. > :25:10.at him? That's from Danny Baker's 101 campest throw-ins of all time.
:25:11. > :25:20.In his pre-match speech, Prince William said: and what's more,
:25:20. > :25:24.you'll have to pay for it. Oh, hang on, you already pay for it. There
:25:24. > :25:27.were all sorts of nationalities playing in this team. What did they
:25:27. > :25:31.have to do with Prince Philip while the game was on?
:25:31. > :25:35.LAUGHTER. Where did they send him this week? Balmoral, or somewhere?
:25:35. > :25:41.They send him to an old people's home. Oh! A people's home, I think
:25:41. > :25:44.he would call it. But how did he show he was back on form? He saw
:25:44. > :25:47.this girl, a pensioner's great-granddaughter. He said:
:25:48. > :25:54.LAUGHTER. Time now for the missing words
:25:54. > :25:57.round, which this week features as its guest publication International
:25:57. > :26:02.Sheepdog News. It's a brilliant read, brilliantly illustrated. The
:26:02. > :26:06.dog's bollocks... Are on page 16. And we start with:
:26:06. > :26:14.Telling the neighbours that you are bisexual!
:26:14. > :26:27.too soft, says Putin. All right, once you got to know him. You were
:26:27. > :26:30.right the first time. Apparently, Ivan the Terrible was not so bad.
:26:30. > :26:35.Ivan the Terrible died whilst playing chess. He was given the last
:26:35. > :26:37.rites by a bishop who took his time getting there because he could only
:26:37. > :26:50.move diagonally. And finally: Lebensraum! Ahistorical joke!
:26:50. > :26:53.Sheepdogs! Partly because all the Polish border collies are in this
:26:53. > :26:59.country rounding up sheet for half the price of the English ones!
:26:59. > :27:10.So, the final scores are: Ian and Dan, seven points. Paul and Mark are
:27:10. > :27:15.this week's winners with 11 points. APPLAUSE. But before we go, there's
:27:15. > :27:23.just time for the caption competition. Budget cuts affect
:27:23. > :27:27.Incredible Hulk movie. And this: if Qatar can have the football,
:27:28. > :27:34.Atlantis can have the cricket. Rain stops play.
:27:34. > :27:38.LAUGHTER. APPLAUSE. On which note we say thank
:27:38. > :27:42.you to our contestants, Ian Hislop and Dan Snow, Paul Merton and Mark
:27:42. > :27:45.Steel, and I leave you with news that in London, the publisher who
:27:45. > :27:47.suggested a new Bridget Jones book would be a great idea is swiftly
:27:47. > :27:51.tracked down. LAUGHTER. As part of a crackdown on
:27:51. > :27:58.recycling, Kingston Council officials go through the bins at
:27:58. > :28:01.Ronnie Corbett's house. And there are incredible scenes at the world's
:28:02. > :28:08.smuggest man competition, as judges declare it a three-way tie.
:28:08. > :28:12.LAUGHTER. Good night. APPLAUSE.