0:00:38 > 0:00:41Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42I'm Stephen Merchant.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43In the news this week,
0:00:43 > 0:00:45desperate to start another fight with the Daily Mail,
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Ed Miliband is persuaded not to by his spin doctors...
0:00:54 > 0:00:55..at a press conference in London,
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Cheryl Cole offers to show off her new arse tattoo...
0:01:03 > 0:01:07..and in Westminster, the day before throwing an egg at a politician,
0:01:07 > 0:01:09a very methodical protester rehearses her plan.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22On Ian's team tonight is the presenter of
0:01:22 > 0:01:25BBC One Saturday night series I Love My Country,
0:01:25 > 0:01:28described by the Daily Mail as a show for everyone,
0:01:28 > 0:01:30except Ralf Miliband.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31Please welcome Gabby Logan.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33APPLAUSE
0:01:37 > 0:01:39And with Paul tonight is an actor and comedian
0:01:39 > 0:01:42whose mother is one of the best make-up artists in the country
0:01:42 > 0:01:44so I dread to think what he really looks like.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Please welcome Hal Cruttenden.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48APPLAUSE
0:01:52 > 0:01:54And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Paul and Hal, take a look at this.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Yes, this is Chinese opera and that's George Osborne
0:01:59 > 0:02:02in China looking very pleased that he's there at the opera.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03There's...
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Mr Toad, is that?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08This is Boris and George in China.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11That's right, they were there on a charm offensive. Yes.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Boris provided the charm.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Yes.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17But did you see that George had all the girls?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Well, he's a good-looking, smooth operator, isn't he? He is!
0:02:20 > 0:02:21It's that haircut, isn't it?
0:02:21 > 0:02:2310% off wallpaper.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Now, it was supposed to be Boris's trip. Mmm.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Why did George get along?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31How did manage to weasel in? Why did he weasel in?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Did he weasel in?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36I don't know. I've been in America. I don't know what's going on.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38I don't mean that in a fancy way, like,
0:02:38 > 0:02:40"I've been in America." I just mean...
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I was fancy, actually. It was Los Angeles. Screw you.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46No, why... Why was George along?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49It was meant to be Boris's trip to start with.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Right. Then I think that the suggestion was
0:02:51 > 0:02:54that Boris might need a chaperone. Right.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56There is some suggestion as well, perhaps,
0:02:56 > 0:03:00that George was also trying to make up for...
0:03:00 > 0:03:03for previous incidents that occurred. Last year... Yes.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07..they met the Dalai Lama and that upset the Chinese.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09GABBY: George and Boris? No, David Cameron.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11HAL: Cameron and Clegg.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Cameron and Clegg. Yes, he took Clegg with him.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Cleggy and Cammo,
0:03:16 > 0:03:19they met Lammo. They did!
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Well, the Chinese are terrified of the Dalai Lama
0:03:21 > 0:03:23cos he's a threat to their national security.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25You can tell from this picture how terrifying he is. Look at him.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Striking fear... ..into the hearts.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29How did Boris upstage George?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31I don't know. Tell us. Thank you.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35It was a big speech at Peking University. Any ideas?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Did he speak Pekingese?
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Which is... Pekingese?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Isn't that "dog"? did he speak "dog"?
0:03:44 > 0:03:45I was...
0:03:45 > 0:03:48I was trying to find... No, he spoke orange or mandarin.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49You're on the right lines.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50George was trying to make the point
0:03:50 > 0:03:53that China was so important to the British people
0:03:53 > 0:03:55that his daughter was learning Mandarin at school.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Then Boris said...
0:04:00 > 0:04:02LAUGHTER
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Eh? How about that, George? Swivel.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Here's a picture, by the way, of George and Boris looking pally.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18"Come here, me old pal!"
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Nothing he ever does about his appearance is accidental.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24The tie's placed there very...
0:04:24 > 0:04:26LAUGHTER ..very deliberately.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30GABBY: A phallic tie. Why is that woman looking so disgusted at his...
0:04:30 > 0:04:31She's looking at Boris Johnson.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35They both went there on a sales pitch
0:04:35 > 0:04:38and I think, because people have said that both of them
0:04:38 > 0:04:40might take over the government one day,
0:04:40 > 0:04:42which is an extraordinary thought, isn't it?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44That they were both trying to show,
0:04:44 > 0:04:47"I can sell more stuff to China than you can."
0:04:47 > 0:04:49And they both made these speeches.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Did you see Boris's speech?
0:04:51 > 0:04:53He said the reason that China would love us -
0:04:53 > 0:04:56because Harry Potter's first girlfriend was Chinese.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58LAUGHTER
0:05:00 > 0:05:02APPLAUSE
0:05:02 > 0:05:05How did The Independent describe George Osborne and Boris Johnson?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Well, they described them as "yin and yang".
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Did they really? Yeah, no, I don't think so.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Someone described them as "yin and yang",
0:05:14 > 0:05:17these elemental forces
0:05:17 > 0:05:19that... Shape the world.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21And disappear up each other in that symbol.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Oh, that's horrific. That's...
0:05:26 > 0:05:29I'm just trying to add a bit of up-market Chinese philosophy.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31In actuality, they're more Ant and Dec.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36But now I've got Ant and Dec going up each other.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39And what was George offering the Chinese,
0:05:39 > 0:05:41according to The Independent?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43You mentioned trade, but what else? Oh, anything. What is it?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46They're going to take over Manchester, nuclear power.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48It's going to be a lot easier to get in.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49Right, absolutely, yes. Of course.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52According to The Independent, George was offering...
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Which chimes in perfect harmony with the Home Secretary who wants...
0:06:09 > 0:06:10Staying in the mystic east,
0:06:10 > 0:06:12what's the big news from the Himalayas?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14It's the yeti. Go on. They think the yeti...
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Well, they know the yeti doesn't exist because we would have
0:06:16 > 0:06:19found one by now, but they think it might be a bear. Right.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21That's what they're saying, isn't it? A bear covered in snow.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23That's it, absolutely right, yeah.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27Do we know who covets, or who has coveted a yeti?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Tom Cruise?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Could be the Cruise Machine. Do you know him? Have you met him?
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Do I know Cruise?
0:06:32 > 0:06:36Maybe I went to dinner while I was in LA at Cruise's house.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38How was it? Great. Lovely bit of chicken.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Did he wear lifts in his shoes to meet you? He must have done.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43I'm not answering those kind of questions. I bet he did.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46And I played pool with his pool cue from The Colour Of Money.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Really? Yeah.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50"Played with Tom Cruise's pool cue." That sounds weird.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Oh, there you are.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Now, do we know who else coveted the yeti?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Alexander the Great.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59He wanted one? He wanted one.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Don't judge, different times.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06It's like a Porsche Cayenne now, isn't it?
0:07:06 > 0:07:07Things that people want.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10He's giving you that look as though he's got one.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11I haven't got a Porsche Cayenne, no.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13You wouldn't fit in a Porsche, would you?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15All right, come on. Sorry!
0:07:15 > 0:07:17It's a good thing. I bet you've got a Range Rover.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I'm only mentioning that because I did a show recently
0:07:20 > 0:07:23and I mentioned Yorkshire Tea and a huge box arrived...
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Really? ..just after the show, so...
0:07:27 > 0:07:28Oh, Gabby, I tell you one thing, though -
0:07:28 > 0:07:30aren't Rolex watches amazing?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34I really like Filipino women.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35LAUGHTER Sorry, is that...
0:07:37 > 0:07:38Is that too much? APPLAUSE
0:07:40 > 0:07:42This is the latest attempt to sell Britain to China.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44At a press conference in Beijing,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46when Boris Johnson was asked about threats of violence
0:07:46 > 0:07:48against dissenting journalists
0:07:48 > 0:07:50and a shameful record on women and abortions,
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Boris said, "Can we just talk about China instead?"
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Boris was keen to point out
0:07:57 > 0:07:59that the first girl that Harry Potter ever kissed
0:07:59 > 0:08:01was a Chinese student called Cho Chang.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05If you're wondering, Harry kissed her in the Goblet of Fire.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12They had to cut that scene out from the film to get a PG rating.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Ian and Gabby, take a look at this.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Now, it's the policeman saluting Andrew Mitchell,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23who was the victim of a plot.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25He's saying goodbye to his career,
0:08:25 > 0:08:26as they stitch him up.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28This is Plebgate. Yes.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31And we're finally coming to the end of it. Maybe not.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34It seems that there should be somebody hung out for this.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Yeah, well there have been some... That's the implication, isn't it?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Well, the CPS are looking at prosecuting some policemen.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41So, it's probably not the end then?
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Oh, God, all right, it's not the end at all.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46It's been going on for a year all ready, hasn't it?
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Yes, he had to resign, he was Chief Whip,
0:08:48 > 0:08:51for supposedly calling a policeman a pleb.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53But then it turned out that the version -
0:08:53 > 0:08:54the events - which the police gave
0:08:54 > 0:08:57wasn't strictly true in the police log.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Bit like Hillsborough, it wasn't actually a record of events,
0:09:01 > 0:09:07more a sort of fantasy...of what they would like to have happened.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11But finally, it's all coming out and a lot of policemen will end up...
0:09:11 > 0:09:16either being arrested or being forced to apologise.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Well, according to the Guardian, the phrase that Mitchell
0:09:18 > 0:09:20consistently denied using was this...
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Although the Mail said it was this...
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Well, how long did the original incident actually last?
0:09:29 > 0:09:3245 seconds. 45 seconds and so far it's cost...?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Quarter of a million pounds... Yes, it has. ..to investigate.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Could we get the Chinese to pay for that?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41- But they must REALLY not have liked him,
0:09:41 > 0:09:44there must have been a build-up of animosity towards him.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Yeah, do you think he'd ridden up to the gates most days and said,
0:09:47 > 0:09:48"Open it!" Yeah.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54It's open, come on!
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Bike here, eco!
0:10:02 > 0:10:04You know, it's a terrible dilemma,
0:10:04 > 0:10:07do you believe a Tory member of the Cabinet, or a policeman?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10You know, the public's got a real problem here.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12In other news, which major international figure
0:10:12 > 0:10:15fell foul of the law in a Westminster street this week?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Oh, yes, Hillary Clinton.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20It was her car that was parked, illegally or something.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22There was a picture in one of the papers, I think.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Her car's surrounded by SAS men, or whatever they're called -
0:10:24 > 0:10:28SS men, Secret Service. CIA, FBI...
0:10:28 > 0:10:31All that lot and they were standing around remonstrating
0:10:31 > 0:10:33with this public servant who refused to tear up the ticket.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Absolutely right.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37A spokesman for Westminster Council told the Telegraph...
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Slight whiff of the PR department there, I think.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Finally, would anyone like to see Labour MP Diane Abbot
0:10:54 > 0:10:58neatly deflect a question from Andrew Neil this week? ALL: Yes!
0:10:58 > 0:11:00So why did Ed Miliband fire you?
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Good afternoon.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09In that picture there, it looks like the vase behind her
0:11:09 > 0:11:11is pulling a sad face at her resignation.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Yes, this is the return of Plebgate.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Andrew Mitchell attempted to draw a line under the scandal a year ago.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19According to the Mail, last October...
0:11:22 > 0:11:24I think we all know how that meeting started.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25"'Allo, 'allo, 'allo..."
0:11:28 > 0:11:31I mean, come on, I'm hitting it out the park here.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Meanwhile, this week, a man has bee fined ?100
0:11:36 > 0:11:39after hiding in a wardrobe during a police raid.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40He nearly got off on a technicality
0:11:40 > 0:11:42as the police hadn't finished counting to 20.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49And so to round two and it's the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Fingers on buzzers please, teams.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57BUZZER
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Man discovered inside loaf of bread.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Putting bread in your ears makes you deaf.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08This isn't these hybrid things like cronuts and...
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I've been reading about. "Cronuts"?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13It's like a croissant mixed with a doughnut.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Ah. This would be a maguette - a man mixed with a baguette.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19That's very good.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21A man must have gone into hospital, he had a headache for 15 years.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23He didn't know what it was, they opened him up
0:12:23 > 0:12:26and found bread inside his brains. It's one of those stories, isn't it?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28A man with a piece of bread in his head.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Well, it's approaching that if you went back to the 17th century.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32HAL: Is it something sexual?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37GABBY: Did they used to put bread in peoples' heads
0:12:37 > 0:12:40in the 17th century when they had really bad migraines?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Yeah, and if it grew into a loaf, you were a witch.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45You're inching closer.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47This is the discovery of a remarkable medical textbook
0:12:47 > 0:12:50by 17th century royal physician Dr William Sermon.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Do you know he cured earache? They put bread in your ear.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Yeah, how did Dr Sermon suggest people cured toothache?
0:12:57 > 0:13:01"Rub the infected tooth against the backside of a fox in the moonlight.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04"While whistling Londonderry Air backwards."
0:13:06 > 0:13:08That was if you couldn't get an erection. Oh(!)
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Any other ideas for a toothache?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14You-you spread something on it...
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Yes, what? Rancid something.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18OK, I'm interested. Poo or something.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Oh, come on.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23We're having a lovely time with the moonlit fox, it was beautiful.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Then it's you lowering it again.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28I thought it was going to be something like that. Is it aspirin?
0:13:29 > 0:13:33Yeah, it was "Take aspiring and see a proper doctor."
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Ah, it was "Rub watercress into the gums."
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42BUZZER
0:13:42 > 0:13:43Is it anything to do with the fact that people
0:13:43 > 0:13:47who work for the American government have this week gone back to work?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49It's exactly that, well done, yes.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50American hasn't closed down?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52There was a possibility the whole country
0:13:52 > 0:13:54was just going to pack it in.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Just give up completely and say, "No, we can't do it."
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Now, I don't know what's been going on in America...
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Is that why everybody was free to play pool because no-one was working?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Was he there? Was Barack there as well?
0:14:06 > 0:14:09No, he's on the phone saying, "No, Tom, I can't come."
0:14:09 > 0:14:11"Stephen Merchant? Never heard of him." I bet he said.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18So, yeah, so what exactly was happening in America
0:14:18 > 0:14:20that is now not happening any more?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Well, the Republicans weren't agreeing a deal
0:14:22 > 0:14:23on paying back the debt. Right.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26It got nearer and nearer the deadline and they thought Obama
0:14:26 > 0:14:28would cave in and say, "I'll forget my healthcare plan."
0:14:28 > 0:14:29But he didn't.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32He just said, "No, we either fall over the cliff together
0:14:32 > 0:14:36"and the world goes with us, or we come to an agreement."
0:14:36 > 0:14:37And they came to an agreement.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39So it's an absolutely extraordinary story
0:14:39 > 0:14:41about common sense breaking out.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Even amongst the Tea Party.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45You know, which is quite big news.
0:14:45 > 0:14:51How long is America now open for, now that they've reopened? 24 hours.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54January. It's called "the Fiscal Cliff".
0:14:54 > 0:14:55Which is a wonderful term.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57When you go off the Fiscal Cliff,
0:14:57 > 0:14:59do you hit Bankrupty Beach at the bottom?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Financial tide moves away.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Who was letting them extend their overdraft the whole time?
0:15:07 > 0:15:08The Chinese own most of the bonds.
0:15:08 > 0:15:13And there's a debt of something like...a zillion gillion.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17That's a technical term, you'll follow me...
0:15:17 > 0:15:18The Chinese own most of it.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21But can all of us get an account with the Chinese?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25There's a firm called Wonga.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Does anyone know high the debt ceiling actually was
0:15:29 > 0:15:31before the deal kicked in?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33It's 16,000 billion, I think. That's right.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Ah, same thing.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40The papers helpfully explained that as being...
0:15:42 > 0:15:44That's good, cos normally they explain everything
0:15:44 > 0:15:46in football pitches, don't they?
0:15:46 > 0:15:50How many football pitches is that? Everything in size in this county
0:15:50 > 0:15:52is explained in football pitches, have you noticed that?
0:15:52 > 0:15:55No wonder I've got no spatial awareness.
0:15:55 > 0:16:00I'd prefer it if it was basketball courts, personally. I just...
0:16:00 > 0:16:04Did you shoot some hoops? Course I shot some hoops - 6'7", sweetheart.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08No, honestly, I can't play basketball
0:16:08 > 0:16:10but I genuinely love going to basketball games
0:16:10 > 0:16:15cos they're so tall I feel like I'm among my people.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17My youngest daughter is ginger and I have the same feeling
0:16:17 > 0:16:20when we go to Scotland, it's like, her people.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Where has this left the Republican party?
0:16:24 > 0:16:25In disarray.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27The Republicans are coming out of it badly. Absolutely right.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30According to the Times, the Republican party's approval rating
0:16:30 > 0:16:32has dipped to...
0:16:34 > 0:16:36So they shut down the government,
0:16:36 > 0:16:38they almost brought the world economy to its knees,
0:16:38 > 0:16:41but they're still more popular than the Lib Dems.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Yeah, this is the news that the US has reopened for business.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49The US shutdown was descried by one commentator as...
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Bit of a slap in the face for Al-Qaeda.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Fingers on buzzers, teams, for the next one.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04BUZZER
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Have they shut the Humber Bridge to stop people going to Hull?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11To stop people going to Hull? Yeah.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14They don't want any more tourists, they've got enough.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Maybe they're trying a new slogan -
0:17:16 > 0:17:19"Hull, one letter different from hell."
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Could be it, couldn't it?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23You're in the right neighbourhood, both of you.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26John Prescott's from Hull. Or was MP for Hull. Yeah.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29That's why they should just close Hull? Yes.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31He's not an MP any more, is he? Other than...
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Member of the House of Lords. Oh, right.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35He's a Lord in Hull as well, isn't he?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Is he the Lord of Hull? Well, I don't know.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39"I am the Lord of Hull!"
0:17:40 > 0:17:43It is to do with Hull but it's actually The Economist magazine.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45They have a very specific view on Hull.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47It should be shut down?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Absolutely right, yes,
0:17:49 > 0:17:52The Economist magazine thinks that the city should be closed down
0:17:52 > 0:17:55along with Burnley, Middlesbrough, and Hartlepool.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Closed down?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Why? The Economist described any efforts
0:18:00 > 0:18:03to save struggling northern communities as...
0:18:06 > 0:18:09You lived in Leeds, didn't you? I was born in Leeds.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Should they close that down? Leeds is doing very well.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Have you heard of Leeds, Ian? Yes!
0:18:13 > 0:18:16There's a football team in Leeds, isn't there?
0:18:16 > 0:18:17There is - Leeds United.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19You see? Local knowledge.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Paul, any view on Leeds?
0:18:23 > 0:18:24So good they named it once?
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Yes, this is The Economist magazine's plan to shut Hull.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Grim, dull and uninspiring...
0:18:32 > 0:18:34The Economist comes out every week.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47BUZZER
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Paul? Useless watch is marketed.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Is this a smart watch?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55In some ways.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Ah, this is about life expectancy.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59It measures your health, that's what it's got to be.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Wait, I don't know the rules. They buzzed but you started answering.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Ian's a ventriloquist.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I'll watch him for the answer.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12"Time remaining - 63 years" that's the clue.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Making your blood pressure...
0:19:14 > 0:19:17It measures your breath or something. It's something...
0:19:17 > 0:19:20You have that on and it tells you you've got 63 years left.
0:19:20 > 0:19:21So you're not normally worried at that point
0:19:21 > 0:19:24but when it gets to six minutes and 34 seconds...
0:19:24 > 0:19:27then you start looking for quality time.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29You're absolutely right, that's exactly what it is, yeah.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Don't people get hit by cars?
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Wouldn't they get a refund?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37What, looking at the watch? You go, "I was...Oh!"
0:19:37 > 0:19:39You know the amazing thing about this?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42This is not a joke, this is serious. My associate, Karl Pilkington,
0:19:42 > 0:19:45genuinely came up with this idea about three or four years ago.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Really? And he's a moron.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52Yeah, the watch does work, as you say, by calculating your death date
0:19:52 > 0:19:55by taking into account the various stress factors
0:19:55 > 0:19:57that could hasten your death like smoking, drinking,
0:19:57 > 0:20:00and wearing a watch that constantly reminds you you're about to die.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03And you probably lie to your own watch.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06The watch says, "How many units?" You go, "Hardly any.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09"Two, three. Maybe, you know...
0:20:09 > 0:20:12"a glass with Downton."
0:20:12 > 0:20:14I'd adjust that number with the little switch on the side,
0:20:14 > 0:20:16put it up to another 20 - 83 years.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18That would be the thing to do.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Can you image Bruce Forsyth's watch?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Technically it's a sundial.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27I do hope that Rolex makes this watch.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32And if they don't, I love them anyway.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Filipino woman can shorten your life, I tell you.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39APPLAUSE
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46BUZZER
0:20:46 > 0:20:51This is the new motto for the Fukushima nuclear power plant,
0:20:51 > 0:20:53which had a meltdown last year.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56And, unbelievably, I don't know if I can actually say this live,
0:20:56 > 0:21:00but this character, because it's Fukushima, is known as Fukuppy.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Amazingly, you're almost exactly right.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13It's the mascot of Fukushima Industries,
0:21:13 > 0:21:15which makes commercial freezers.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Is anyone interested in seeing the mascot
0:21:17 > 0:21:19of the Fukushima nuclear power plant?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21They do have a mascot, here it is.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Can you show the original one again?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32It looks like Ross Kemp.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Do you remember? It does!
0:21:36 > 0:21:40Talking of Japanese mascots, who do you think this is?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Is that an aubergine on his head? Yeah. It is?
0:21:42 > 0:21:45I couldn't confirm or deny it.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47GABBY: They are going to host...
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Did they not get the Olympics, didn't they, in 2020?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52You may be right, you know all about "spoirts."
0:21:52 > 0:21:53As we say in California.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57It sounded a lot more like Devon.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07He's actually a mascot for a Japanese prison.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09LAUGHTER
0:22:09 > 0:22:13This is Fukuppy, the mascot for a Japanese refrigeration company.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16It really is a schoolboy error for a company
0:22:16 > 0:22:19to leave the name of its fridges open to such puerile jokes,
0:22:19 > 0:22:21said the managing director of Smeg.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23LAUGHTER
0:22:23 > 0:22:27Time now for the Odd One Out round. Just one between you this week.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Cambridge, the pharaoh Ramesses II,
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Princess Michael of Kent
0:22:32 > 0:22:34and the Environment Minister Owen Paterson.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36I don't know, any thoughts on this?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Um...I haven't a clue.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41It's not anything to do with...
0:22:41 > 0:22:44mummification? But no, it can't be.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Expand, I'm interested to know what you're thinking.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Princess Michael's still alive, isn't she? Yes.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Yeah, um... LAUGHTER
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Everything else has been mummified, including Cambridge.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57GABBY: Anything to do with counties?
0:22:57 > 0:23:01Owen Paterson is trying to kill badgers in Gloucestershire.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Princess Michael of Kent... Right.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Cambridge... Yes. ..shire.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09Yes. You were onto something when you mentioned badgers.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Owen Paterson looks like a badger with that hair...
0:23:12 > 0:23:14GABBY: OK...
0:23:14 > 0:23:18Princess Michael of Kent is the man in the Badger Watch line.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22This is a whole bunch of badgers that are causing trouble.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Right? But not in Egypt.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27But...but...but... No, that was a plague of locusts.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30OK, plague of locusts, plague of... Oh, plague.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34Plagues. All right, come on. So she's got a plague of something.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Oh, she has. He's got a plague of badgers.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Cambridge has a plague of undergraduates.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40HAL: Everybody has a plague.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44No, Cambridge hasn't. Apart from Paterson who is a plague.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Well done, well done!
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Yes, yes.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52It's actually they've been plagued by frogs.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Except Environment Minister Owen Paterson who was plagued by badgers.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58What does Princess Michael claim to have done
0:23:58 > 0:24:00only once since she got married?
0:24:00 > 0:24:03She's had two children, hasn't she? Right.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Twins.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Been to the high street once. Well done, absolutely right.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Yes, she said...
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Obviously, Ramesses II, do we know what suffered a plague of?
0:24:18 > 0:24:22GABBY: Is it rats? I've given it away, it was actually frogs.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24What about Cambridge?
0:24:24 > 0:24:27You may have missed this story in the Cambridge News.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29There was a man on his boat in Cambridge,
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Alisdhair Currie-Crawford,
0:24:31 > 0:24:33who suddenly noticed a lot of frogs all over the place.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Here he is. He said...
0:24:46 > 0:24:49It happened, this incident, on 23rd July earlier in the year.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52According to the Cambridge News...
0:25:02 > 0:25:04No, they didn't.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09Yeah, they've all been plagued by frogs apart from Owen Paterson.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12In an article in the Sunday Times, Princess Michael of Kent
0:25:12 > 0:25:14talks about being told she had to...
0:25:14 > 0:25:16adding...
0:25:17 > 0:25:19That's only because when she goes out,
0:25:19 > 0:25:20she thinks people are calling her
0:25:20 > 0:25:22"that posh Kent".
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features
0:25:28 > 0:25:31as its guest publication Bonsai Focus.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Dedicated to the art of cultivating tiny Japanese trees.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Bonsai Focus, by the way, has a mascot called Growthefuckuppy.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44And we start with...
0:25:44 > 0:25:46HAL: Tiny plans for a tree house.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Body part. It's a body part, it's definitely a body part.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Kidney. Gall bladder.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58It's bladder, well done. Print your own bladder. Well done.
0:25:58 > 0:26:03Yeah. No, it took two decades for scientists to develop a 3-D printer
0:26:03 > 0:26:05that could create body parts.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08It's going to take the first customer two minutes
0:26:08 > 0:26:10before he starts printing a pair of boobs.
0:26:10 > 0:26:11Next...
0:26:14 > 0:26:16GABBY: Stop me going to BT Sport.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18GASPS AND LAUGHTER
0:26:18 > 0:26:20That's obviously a complete lie!
0:26:21 > 0:26:24It sounded like a pitch to me.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29HAL: Is it to lure Noel Edmonds back? GABBY: Where's he gone?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Where's he gone? Deal Or No Deal!
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Is he there, that's it, he can't leave?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Yeah, he lives in a little box.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41He has a whale of a time. Sometimes he's in number 9,
0:26:41 > 0:26:42sometimes he's in number 15.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46They're bringing back The Clangers, so it could be that.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Bring back The Clangers. Oh, no!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50APPLAUSE
0:26:50 > 0:26:52And finally...
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Top of Mrs Kobayashi.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:02 > 0:27:06On top of the world, looking down at a very small creation.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Um, it's actually...
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Oh! There you are.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16So, the final scores are...
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Paul and Hal have an epic 5.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Ian and Gabby triumphant with 11.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:27:28 > 0:27:30On which note we say thank you to our panellists
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Ian Hislop and Gabby Logan,
0:27:32 > 0:27:33Paul Merton and Hal Cruttenden.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36I leave you with news that at a film premiere in London,
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Tom Hanks finally meets the man
0:27:37 > 0:27:39who inspired the character of Forrest Gump.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42LAUGHTER
0:27:45 > 0:27:47As the Miss China contest ends in a draw,
0:27:47 > 0:27:50the judge announces it'll all come down to the tie break round.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53LAUGHTER
0:27:53 > 0:27:57And there's more shocked reactions to Cheryl Cole's arse tattoo,
0:27:57 > 0:28:00as she's spotted sunbathing naked in her garden.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02LAUGHTER
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Good night.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd