:00:32. > :00:48.Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Kirsty Young.
:00:49. > :00:52.In the news this week, as the major parties give up for the next
:00:53. > :00:53.election, one householder is just a few seconds too late in pretending
:00:54. > :01:07.he's not at home. In Dover, customs and excise put
:01:08. > :01:08.together a crack team to deal with a sudden influx of black-market
:01:09. > :01:20.sausages. And as the trial of Rebekah Brooks
:01:21. > :01:24.gets under way, the foreman of the jury takes no chances when an advert
:01:25. > :01:35.for private time magazine pops up online. -- for Private Eye magazine.
:01:36. > :01:41.On Ian's team tonight is a radical economist and critic of corrupt
:01:42. > :01:46.youngster style finances who refers to bankers as banks does. Please
:01:47. > :01:58.welcome Max Keiser. And with Paul tonight is a surreal
:01:59. > :02:01.Canadian stand-up comedian who was recently described as "the sherpa of
:02:02. > :02:03.stand-up". Well, he has certainly got me tensing! Please welcome Tony
:02:04. > :02:14.Law. And we start with the bigger stories
:02:15. > :02:19.of the week. Ian and Max, take a look at this. I wonder what this is
:02:20. > :02:24.about! This is the trial of the century. And I think that's about
:02:25. > :02:28.it. Next round. It was revealed today they were having an affair
:02:29. > :02:35.with each other for about six years. That is what the prosecution says.
:02:36. > :02:40.Yes, you are right. The trial kicked off this week but, not surprisingly,
:02:41. > :02:45.Private Eye found itself on the front pages this week for the first
:02:46. > :02:53.time since it declared itself a banana. We ran a cover saying,
:02:54. > :03:00.horror, which costume withdrawn from shops, and put a picture of Rebekah
:03:01. > :03:04.Brooks with it. Can I let people know precisely what the judge says
:03:05. > :03:08.as he held up a copy of Private Eye in court? He told jurors, it is one
:03:09. > :03:14.of those things you will have to ignore. A joke that in the
:03:15. > :03:19.circumstances of today is a joke and especially bad taste. It is meant to
:03:20. > :03:24.be satire. It has no serious input. Do we know what New Zealanders had
:03:25. > :03:31.to put up with from police in nearby newsstands? -- news vendor 's? I
:03:32. > :03:38.think one of them was asked to move a copy from display, and he said,
:03:39. > :03:47.said... Have you got a court order for this? And he said, -- they said,
:03:48. > :03:52.no, and he said, get lost, and carried on selling it. The chairman
:03:53. > :03:57.of the Conservative Party said if the BBC had any more perceived bias,
:03:58. > :04:02.then it may well have its licence fee cut. And the BBC is set up by
:04:03. > :04:07.Royal Charter, and is independent, and therefore would never be
:04:08. > :04:11.interfered with by, say, the chairman of the Conservative Party,
:04:12. > :04:19.threatening to cut its licence fee. Just an argument. The Privy Council
:04:20. > :04:23.met the Queen about the Royal Charter and The Independent also
:04:24. > :04:26.revealed she met the Afghan president, Hamid Karzai. I think
:04:27. > :04:34.that is Hugh Grant just slipping off... He seems to have got confused
:04:35. > :04:38.with some curtains on the way out! Who is the Lord President of the
:04:39. > :04:42.Council and the fourth most powerful person in the land? Nick Clegg!
:04:43. > :04:48.LAUGHTER Don't laugh! If Nick Clegg is the
:04:49. > :04:54.fourth most powerful person in the land, who is above him? I think the
:04:55. > :05:07.Prime Minister counts. William Hague? George Osborne? The Queen?
:05:08. > :05:13.That bloke off Strictly. It does actually say on my card" Simon
:05:14. > :05:21.Cowell". Would use -- you like to see the picture from The Guardian?
:05:22. > :05:29.Why on earth did they bother? Look at the Queen! I can't believe it is
:05:30. > :05:35.him! She wants to know why have private bodyguards have taken away a
:05:36. > :05:40.copy of Private Eye. And on the subject of two men stood next to a
:05:41. > :05:46.very tiny woman, did you see the Chinese politicians? A photo of an
:05:47. > :05:50.old woman, but the cameraman could not get all of them in the picture.
:05:51. > :05:56.They photo shopped it and this is how it turned out. Well, you can see
:05:57. > :06:00.why they would visit her because she is exceptionally small! It looks
:06:01. > :06:07.like a British care home! Are you getting enough to eat? I might take
:06:08. > :06:15.a home for my daughter. There you go. Little, old Chinese lady! So,
:06:16. > :06:18.this is the start of the News International phone hacking trial.
:06:19. > :06:24.Mr Justice Saunders warned jurors not to go online and read blogs by
:06:25. > :06:33.actors. What you grant. -- or Hugh Grant. The Department for media
:06:34. > :06:37.culture and sport claims that the new system will defend press freedom
:06:38. > :06:47.in the same way the Department of the Environment defends badgers.
:06:48. > :06:53.Paul and Tony, look at this. That is a man in 1946 and there's another
:06:54. > :07:03.man coming in. Oh... Yes, I thought you'd say that! There's a man with a
:07:04. > :07:06.magnifying glass. It is about the Americans and Angela Merkel and it
:07:07. > :07:13.has been going on for years, apparently. Apparently spying going
:07:14. > :07:18.on in Spain, France, everywhere else it seems. And this came to light
:07:19. > :07:23.how? Well, the NSA have been spying and doing all these things and now
:07:24. > :07:26.it is out in the open. This is the progression of it all. Celebrity
:07:27. > :07:32.hacks in the US have used the technology to get into the phones of
:07:33. > :07:38.these celebrities. There is no health care in America but they can
:07:39. > :07:52.spy celebrities using the NSA technology brilliantly! And the
:07:53. > :08:00.leader! Yes! Well, the German leader was there four. The Kaiser kittens!
:08:01. > :08:06.She said it wasn't friendly. She said it is really not on. She is
:08:07. > :08:12.always grumpy, though. It is because everybody keeps calling her Angela.
:08:13. > :08:19.What phone did she have for four years? BlackBerry. Apparently she
:08:20. > :08:23.was very happy with it. Here she is looking happy with it! And it was
:08:24. > :08:32.not just heard they were listening in to. How many world leaders? 35.
:08:33. > :08:39.Spot-on! One point for that. I was briefed by the NSA before coming on.
:08:40. > :08:47.There's a Spanish, Angela Merkel and 34 others. That is 33 others! Does
:08:48. > :08:49.anybody know what the French security services used to do to try
:08:50. > :08:57.to gather information when they were spying on business people in the
:08:58. > :09:06.1990s? Bilingual chickens? Sneaking. They just snuck around.
:09:07. > :09:10.Just sneaking. They installed microphones under the seats of
:09:11. > :09:14.first-class passengers on air France flights. What did the Russians
:09:15. > :09:23.discover was spying on them this week? Space monkeys. The Chinese?
:09:24. > :09:28.Investigators discovered that kettles imported from China contains
:09:29. > :09:34.by microchips which can pump out spam data that scrambles Wi-Fi. The
:09:35. > :09:41.Bond films are way behind, aren't they?! You don't all guns and
:09:42. > :09:52.things. You want kettles! On, leave it alone, it will boil in five
:09:53. > :09:59.minutes! -- 007. Which power? It is Google. They say, we have long been
:10:00. > :10:04.concerned about the possibility of this kind of snooping. And here is
:10:05. > :10:11.David Drummond. We just found this on Google Street View. It is nothing
:10:12. > :10:16.to do with anything but finally, shall we have a quick look at an ITN
:10:17. > :10:24.report of a man who was paddling a giant pumpkin to the Isle of Wight?
:10:25. > :10:27.Yes! He has spent several days testing the giant vegetable in
:10:28. > :10:34.Portsmouth to make sure it wouldn't sink. He is joking back in a runner
:10:35. > :10:41.bean. Nice work! Doesn't get better than
:10:42. > :10:50.that! Yes, it does. He needs a jack-o'-lantern. We don't really do
:10:51. > :11:04.Halloween here. Is it better than "trick or treat it, trick or treat"?
:11:05. > :11:10.You come over here with your ghastly skeletons, scaring children, rather
:11:11. > :11:16.than having a perfectly nice evening setting fire to a Catholic! This is
:11:17. > :11:19.the continuing fallout from the US spying scandal. Germany is
:11:20. > :11:25.particularly upset at being spied on by the US, according to one news
:11:26. > :11:28.website, who said, the row over the alleged spying has led to the worst
:11:29. > :11:33.diplomatic crisis between the two countries in living memory.
:11:34. > :11:37.LAUGHTER That's kind of depends how old you
:11:38. > :11:43.are, doesn't it? The Spanish newspaper El Mundo published a
:11:44. > :11:46.leaked graphic showing the daily flow of phone calls within Spain,
:11:47. > :12:00.which presumably looked something like this... Ian and Max, here is
:12:01. > :12:06.another for you. A train. Now that's a proper train! That's the
:12:07. > :12:14.two Eds. Two are better than one, but not in this case! They are
:12:15. > :12:21.building this enormous boondocks up north. In economics it is a big
:12:22. > :12:27.freaking waste of money! And if you really want to get the economy
:12:28. > :12:32.going, give everybody free access to broadband. Are rather take the
:12:33. > :12:43.train! But it can't get to Birmingham fast enough. Only
:12:44. > :12:48.virtual! So this is the wise investment /catastrophic
:12:49. > :12:53.investment... The Labour Party have said it was their idea originally to
:12:54. > :12:57.do it but now the Tories have to do it they don't want to do it any
:12:58. > :13:06.more. And have you heard about the dire consequences? The precise words
:13:07. > :13:13.were... It is just hard to imagine what that would be like, isn't it!
:13:14. > :13:23.Do you know this week's figure of how much it will cost? I think it is
:13:24. > :13:28.130 zillion! The current budget is 50 billion, although one independent
:13:29. > :13:32.study says 80 billion. You have Mark Carney as the Bank of England... You
:13:33. > :13:38.can just print it! That is what he is therefore! Just print! Print it!
:13:39. > :13:43.Doesn't matter whether it is 100, 200 billion. As long as you don't
:13:44. > :13:48.mind paying extra for energy and food, that is just inflation. Just
:13:49. > :13:54.print money! It is fine! Just put the money on a train and take it to
:13:55. > :14:04.Birmingham! One hour and 20 minutes to Birmingham. It is too long! I've
:14:05. > :14:14.got stuff to do in Birmingham! I've got concrete to poor! It doesn't
:14:15. > :14:20.pour itself, you know. That sheds 20 minutes off of me in to Birmingham
:14:21. > :14:26.of pouring concrete! Labour are considering a cheaper alternatives
:14:27. > :14:32.to HS2. What is it? Making everything downhill. Is it reversing
:14:33. > :14:37.all the Beeching cuts? Who's was this? It is the old Grand Central
:14:38. > :14:48.line through Rugby town in Sheffield, which was closed, when?
:14:49. > :14:55.64. 66. How useless! I thought they were just going to say, get rid of
:14:56. > :15:03.Birmingham! What?! All that concrete he has at home!
:15:04. > :15:11.Pardon? Would you mind saying that again? Some people would pay good
:15:12. > :15:23.money for that! We don't mind having a whip round! I
:15:24. > :15:32.reckon you might know who this guy is. He bought ?16 worth of what?
:15:33. > :15:39.Bitcoin. He kept them and they are worth $900,000. Can you explain what
:15:40. > :15:42.it claimed is? It is an electronic annoying you can use like money, but
:15:43. > :15:49.you have no state interference, they cannot print it -- it is an
:15:50. > :15:54.electronic card. Somebody bought $1 million worth of hardware. In
:15:55. > :16:00.Cyprus, when the banking system started to collapse, the adoption
:16:01. > :16:08.Bitcoin skyrocketed, and in Greece and Venezuelan. Those stable
:16:09. > :16:14.examples? It is an alternative currency.
:16:15. > :16:22.Somebody spent 1 million on hardware? That is a lot of nails!
:16:23. > :16:27.1 million? But he has a good kick in Birmingham! On the subject of
:16:28. > :16:33.trading in nonexisting commodities, what has happened to JP Morgan? Babe
:16:34. > :16:39.paid off alien dollars fine for mortgages they mis-sold. -- they
:16:40. > :16:46.paid off $1 billion. They are a serial fraudster. They may pay fines
:16:47. > :16:50.of up to $13 billion. Speaking of unpopular millionaires, which other
:16:51. > :17:00.unpopular millionaires have been grilled recently? Power company
:17:01. > :17:07.executives? Don't get me started! We are way past that! We are looking at
:17:08. > :17:10.alternative remedies! The readers of the Big Six energy companies were
:17:11. > :17:14.called in front of the Commons Select Committee to explain this. A
:17:15. > :17:22.lots did not turn up, five could not be bothered. The only one of the big
:17:23. > :17:29.suck -- the Big Six to turn up, I have just noticed he is called Tony
:17:30. > :17:36.Cocker! Pardon? It was funny the first time. Did anyone see a
:17:37. > :17:45.pensioner venting her anger on the energy supplier through video games
:17:46. > :17:51.on grand theft auto? No! It does not look as good as it does in the
:17:52. > :18:00.actual game. Hello, what do you do for a living? Work for British Gas?
:18:01. > :18:05.You take that! One for you! And one for you! I will give you one as
:18:06. > :18:12.well! You come here, I will get you! Comeback!
:18:13. > :18:19.Paul and Tony, this is another one for you.
:18:20. > :18:28.Magical car around on its own. Invisible man. Is it about a new car
:18:29. > :18:34.being developed? A new car that is tiny. And you can shrink and become
:18:35. > :18:44.invisible and drive it. That is a new scheme, it comes in. 98 billion.
:18:45. > :18:57.That will get us to Birmingham quicker. It did, it said Brom on it.
:18:58. > :19:00.-- bRUM. There maybe a car which drives itself and you wake up in the
:19:01. > :19:08.morning and there will be a bed you will end up outside a place you need
:19:09. > :19:14.to be. That is around 120 billion? That is what you said about the jet
:19:15. > :19:20.pack. There is a reason that did not take off! This is the exciting
:19:21. > :19:23.transport innovation of the driverless car.
:19:24. > :19:32.This example will be on the pavements of Britain I2015. Who is
:19:33. > :19:36.behind the scheme? A sadist. According to the mail, David Willets
:19:37. > :19:42.and Vince Cable and funding from the transport catapult. 50 million, they
:19:43. > :19:48.getting. According to David Willets, you said
:19:49. > :19:55.macro cars free people to work, eat and sleep as they travel. We can
:19:56. > :20:00.have a look at one of these cars. We could really relax in that. I am
:20:01. > :20:05.so relaxed, I have dressed like a serial killer! The driverless car
:20:06. > :20:10.will be hitting the streets at the start of 2015 and hitting a
:20:11. > :20:16.pedestrian seconds later. The man who invented the doner kebab died
:20:17. > :20:20.this week and was varied in a simple casting covered in unnecessary
:20:21. > :20:32.salad. Round two now, The Picture Spin Quiz. Fingers on buses. --
:20:33. > :20:39.BUZZERS. It is a dog in a Yorkshire pudding. It is the first dog to take
:20:40. > :20:44.a Yorkshire pudding across the Channel.
:20:45. > :20:49.The Duke shepherding and the York carrier indicate we are talking
:20:50. > :20:56.about Yorkshire, one of the greatest places in the world. -- Terrier. My
:20:57. > :21:01.favourite part of Yorkshire is North Derbyshire. The lonely and that died
:21:02. > :21:07.has declared as places to visit, Yorkshire is the third best region
:21:08. > :21:16.to visit -- the lonely plant. And Scotland is the third best country.
:21:17. > :21:22.God bless you for that! Which countries are more welcoming than
:21:23. > :21:29.Scotland? It is Brazil. Then Antarctica. This is the story that
:21:30. > :21:34.Yorkshire has been named third best region in the world. In July next
:21:35. > :21:37.year, Yorkshire will host the first two stages of the Tour de France,
:21:38. > :21:43.with a flat stage from Leeds to Harrogate, a hilly journey from York
:21:44. > :21:48.to Sharon get -- to Sheffield, expected to be won by an old man in
:21:49. > :21:52.a bad job. The first Indian to play for Yorkshire was Sachin Tendulkar.
:21:53. > :21:55.Geoffrey Boycott lavished him with his highest praise, describing him
:21:56. > :22:22.as, rubbish. Tony and Paul? Britney Spears, the
:22:23. > :22:29.Somali parrots are being put of attacking ships because they are
:22:30. > :22:32.playing her music very loud. They hear an album and go back to
:22:33. > :22:38.Somalia. He is disturbed that she is singing and that is what it is. This
:22:39. > :22:42.is the news the music of Britney Spears is being used to scare off
:22:43. > :22:49.pirates, apparently they prefer Arrr Kelly. Any ideas which songs are
:22:50. > :22:56.being played? I do not know her work. Perhaps you are an expert, it
:22:57. > :23:09.Iain. -- Ian. There are so many I could say. Hit me baby one more
:23:10. > :23:15.time, according to the sun. Somali pirates are against violence. They
:23:16. > :23:23.are not against -- they are against Haiti violence. -- hitty. Ships of
:23:24. > :23:28.the coast of Africa have been keeping pirates at babe by blasting
:23:29. > :23:32.songs by Britney is Beers who is scaring off pirates mainly because
:23:33. > :23:37.when Africans hear the sound of a washed-up American pop star, they
:23:38. > :23:43.assume she has come to adopt their children. -- Whitney Speirs. Time
:23:44. > :23:49.for the missing words round which features parrot, the magazine of the
:23:50. > :23:52.Parrot Society UK. Whatever it has to say, we have heard it all before!
:23:53. > :24:21.And we start with... The answer is, he came out with a
:24:22. > :24:28.chattering worry. Next.
:24:29. > :24:44.Knob. Just got it out on Newsnight. Put it awake, man! People respect
:24:45. > :24:50.you. -- away. That he is a pretty boy? Jeremy Paxman routinely
:24:51. > :24:51.approaches people who drop litter on the street, and also people who
:24:52. > :25:08.don't! Riding Shergar in Zimbabwe. Found
:25:09. > :25:16.his employer a bit merger we. -- murdery. Lord Lucan was on the back
:25:17. > :25:30.the whole time. Found in the attic. It is. Next. By looking up.
:25:31. > :25:44.Get on-the-job! I never disclosing where they live. -- I never. You can
:25:45. > :25:49.always tell when a parrot thief is about to break into your house, he
:25:50. > :26:04.will climb up a ladder and ring a bell. Next. Twirk. What is that? A
:26:05. > :26:17.demonstration says so much more than words! I cannot work, I am allergic
:26:18. > :26:31.to shoes. That is something I would have said. And finally. We well not
:26:32. > :26:37.to let him go. -- will not. He doesn't like his middle name.
:26:38. > :26:52.Something a parrots says? A parrot has been living next to a mosque.
:26:53. > :26:57.Yes. I just made that up. This is from parrot magazine, free in this
:26:58. > :27:03.month 's issue is a line-up for your bird cage. It makes a great
:27:04. > :27:09.absorbent line-up, is what I meant. The final schools are, Max and Ian
:27:10. > :27:15.have seven, Tony and Paul have eight!
:27:16. > :27:24.Before we go, time for the caption competition.
:27:25. > :27:37.Mine is a bit tight! Mine is all right, really!
:27:38. > :27:43.Why did we have to meet in this industry wasteland?
:27:44. > :27:48.A magic spot in Yorkshire! On which note, we say thank you to our
:27:49. > :27:54.panellists. And I leave you with the news that on the set of new
:27:55. > :28:05.Transformers movie, one of the extras gives up queueing for the
:28:06. > :28:07.toilets. Deep in the Mediterranean,
:28:08. > :28:11.archaeologists discovered the Lost City of Atlantis was flooded during
:28:12. > :28:19.an ancient -- during an ancient Minoan Party Conference. And after
:28:20. > :28:23.severing his hand in a Thresher, a Yorkshire farmer celebrates the
:28:24. > :28:25.first stage of grafting on a replacement.