0:00:37 > 0:00:39Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42I'm Jack Whitehall. In the news this week,
0:00:42 > 0:00:44following a visit from health and safety advisors,
0:00:44 > 0:00:46changes are made to the format
0:00:46 > 0:00:48of the BBC's new celebrity diving show...
0:00:53 > 0:00:56..during a live broadcast from Sri Lanka, Nick Robinson
0:00:56 > 0:00:59waits for a suitable moment to tell his colleague
0:00:59 > 0:01:02that a massive tarantula is crawling up the back of his neck...
0:01:10 > 0:01:13..and on Saturday Kitchen, a food critic explains
0:01:13 > 0:01:17the new equivalent of the Michelin star guide for curry houses.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26On Ian's team tonight is a journalist and broadcaster who,
0:01:26 > 0:01:29when recently asked who the most famous person in her phonebook was,
0:01:29 > 0:01:30said "Elton and David".
0:01:30 > 0:01:35Wow, Elton Welsby and David Dickinson? Respect!
0:01:35 > 0:01:37It's Janet Street-Porter.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40APPLAUSE
0:01:43 > 0:01:46And with Paul tonight is a broadcaster who,
0:01:46 > 0:01:47as a reporter for Live TV,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49was once banned from Parliament for turning up there
0:01:49 > 0:01:52with the News Bunny, a historic incident
0:01:52 > 0:01:55recently condemned on Newsnight by the Cookie Monster.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Please welcome Richard Bacon.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59APPLAUSE
0:02:01 > 0:02:03And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Ian and Janet, take a look at this.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10That's the two Eds rejecting his ideas. "Nope!"
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Aw, look, the Crystal Methodist.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Do you know, that man's younger than me.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18And look at him. Unbelievable.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Anyone would think he took drugs(!)
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Ex-chairman of the Co-op Bank, Paul Flowers,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26what exactly has he done to embarrass the Labour party?
0:02:26 > 0:02:30What hasn't he done? Shall we put lots of "allegeds" in?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33No! I've got a statement with a lot of "allegeds".
0:02:33 > 0:02:36He has been filmed allegedly trying to buy a variety of drugs
0:02:36 > 0:02:38from a dealer only days after being
0:02:38 > 0:02:40grilled by a Treasury Select Committee.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Are you sure you shouldn't say he's allegedly been filmed
0:02:43 > 0:02:45allegedly buying alleged drugs?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Because I don't think you can prove any of those things.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Allegedly, he was...
0:02:49 > 0:02:53No, he was definitely grilled by the Treasury Select Committee inquiry.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56And the bank definitely collapsed, so we can say that,
0:02:56 > 0:02:57and he was definitely the chairman,
0:02:57 > 0:03:00but all the other stuff is alleged.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Can we say anything if we say "allegedly"?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04allegedly he murdered a load of puppies
0:03:04 > 0:03:06and threw them in the Thames.
0:03:06 > 0:03:11What's amazing is he got the job of running a bank
0:03:11 > 0:03:14with absolutely no experience whatsoever.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Yeah, can you imagine a coke-sniffing idiot
0:03:16 > 0:03:17running a major bank(?)
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Is it one of the questions you would ask a Methodist preacher?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23"Are you addicted to crystal meth?"
0:03:23 > 0:03:25It's probably not on the standard form, is it?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I think it should be from now.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29It was quite a cocktail of drugs, wasn't it,
0:03:29 > 0:03:30that he was allegedly taking?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33I think there was crystal meth. Yeah, ketamine, that other one.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Ian's favourite, meow meow. Meow meow.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Snuff! Bit of snuff there, Ian.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Unbelievable. RICHARD: What is ketamine?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44JANET: Horse tranquiliser.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Richard's playing innocent(!)
0:03:48 > 0:03:50"I don't know what ketamine is"?
0:03:50 > 0:03:54What sort of party is it where you want to tranquilise a horse anyway?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56How can that be the highlight of the evening?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59"He's nearly asleep. Hey-hey!"
0:03:59 > 0:04:01I don't know about you but I think any public figure
0:04:01 > 0:04:04that's caught doing drugs, there should be no second chances.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08That's just the three of us on the show, is it?
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Yeah, well, no, me and Janet had a bit of a night out once and...
0:04:11 > 0:04:14No, we won't get into it. No, I've never done Class A drugs.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I don't know about Richard.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17No, you do know.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21I definitely have.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Janet, have you ever been offered drugs?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Someone offered to tranquilise Janet at a party.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Very good.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31This man, this was all on his record.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Ed Miliband put him on his advisory board.
0:04:34 > 0:04:40For industry and business! This man, he barely got banking part ones.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42He gave up to become a Methodist minister.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44He knows nothing about banking.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48He made a series of absolutely colossal mistakes, took the money.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51He's been fired from a charity for fiddling his expenses
0:04:51 > 0:04:53He was removed from a local council for having gay porn...
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Then he became governor of a primary school. Yes.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Perfect job(!)
0:04:59 > 0:05:01This man was put in charge of a major bank,
0:05:01 > 0:05:03and then proceeded to lose ?1.5 billion.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06He's got to pay for his habit somehow.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10But he does present tremendous problems for the Labour party
0:05:10 > 0:05:13because the Co-op is bankrolling so many MPs. I mean, how many is it?
0:05:13 > 0:05:1432 or something.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Well, the Co-op Bank sponsors many Labour MPs.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Paul Flowers is part of the Co-op Bank political...
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Sorry, I had to reread this cos we changed it so it's legal.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Does it become more legal the closer you get to it?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31By the time you're down there it's a super-injunction.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Basically, someone at the bank,
0:05:35 > 0:05:39the Political Strategy Working Group arranged for ?1.2 million
0:05:39 > 0:05:43of loans to the Labour Party as well as ?50,000 donation to Ed Balls.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Maybe he's providing a public service, cos some of the texts
0:05:46 > 0:05:49were extraordinarily grotty and there was one text...
0:05:49 > 0:05:51JANET: You mean you've never sent a grotty text
0:05:51 > 0:05:53back in your coke-snorting days?
0:05:55 > 0:05:59I bet when you were off your trolley you sent a few embarrassing texts.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Well, it was pre-texting, actually.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Semaphore?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Semaphore signals. "I'm out of it."
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I did send some deranged texts
0:06:16 > 0:06:19but they were still less unhinged than your columns.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Jerry! Jerry!
0:06:23 > 0:06:26They didn't end up in the tabloids, though.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Your columns always end up in the tabloids. That's the idea!
0:06:29 > 0:06:33What else has emerged about Miliband and Balls this week?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Here they are having a staring competition in a hotel room.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Is that the e-mails? Yep.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Was there some e-mail that said this week that Ed Miliband's team
0:06:40 > 0:06:42find Ed Balls' team a nightmare?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45The rift came about because e-mails between their senior advisors were
0:06:45 > 0:06:49sent by accident to a Tory MP in a so-called "fat finger" incident.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52They revealed that Miliband's team think Balls is...
0:06:53 > 0:06:56..leading The Express to run the headline...
0:07:02 > 0:07:05So it was sent to a Tory MP who had the same name as someone
0:07:05 > 0:07:08within the party. There's an MP with your name.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Yes, there's a Conservative MP for South Norfolk
0:07:10 > 0:07:12also called Richard Bacon.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15In fact, it was that Richard Bacon that took the drugs.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17I don't think you should say that.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Still with the Labour Party... Yes! ..who is this?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26JANET: Oh, Denis MacShane! Yes, it was a Euro fiddle.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29He claimed this money and he's admitted it
0:07:29 > 0:07:30and we're waiting for sentence,
0:07:30 > 0:07:32but it doesn't look good for him
0:07:32 > 0:07:35because he's currently going out with Vicky Pryce.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Who's got an eye for blokes, hasn't she?
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Yeah. Do you know what he called his actions?
0:07:42 > 0:07:43"Regrettable"?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45"Inappropriate." "Profitable."
0:07:47 > 0:07:49He referred to them as this...
0:07:50 > 0:07:53..although everyone else calls it this...
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Yes, this has been a bad week for the Labour party.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59Former Labour councillor
0:07:59 > 0:08:02and Co-op boss Paul Flowers was secretly filmed buying drugs.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04According to The Telegraph...
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I don't know, if you can trust random strangers you meet on Grindr
0:08:12 > 0:08:15for sex, who can you trust?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Also, did anyone see how Mark Austin addressed
0:08:18 > 0:08:20ITV News At Ten's viewers this week?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22No. Would you like to?
0:08:22 > 0:08:23Yes. Yeah.
0:08:23 > 0:08:28This is ITV News At Ten with Mark Austin and Julie Etchingham.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Good evening, paedophiles...
0:08:37 > 0:08:38Brilliant.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47And people say commas aren't important.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Paul and Richard, take a look at this.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Yes. This is Spain. The RAF...
0:08:53 > 0:08:57That's the crystal meth that he was snorting. There he is.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01That's Canada's Paul Flowers. Yeah, he's their version of our bloke.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04It might be the same bloke, in fact. Rob Ford. Rob Ford. Rob Ford.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06The Toronto Mayor. Fantastic.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08This was Gibraltar, wasn't it,
0:09:08 > 0:09:10when a Spanish vessel strayed into British waters.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12And our Navy had to see them off.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13QUEEN'S VOICE: Please go away!
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Technically this almost went to war with Spain.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Yeah, almost went to war with Spain but didn't quite.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20How did they persuade the boat to leave?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23According to the Telegraph, officers from HMS Sabre
0:09:23 > 0:09:25told the captain of the Spanish vessel -
0:09:35 > 0:09:36And the Spanish replied -
0:09:41 > 0:09:44So, what were the Spanish doing there, anyway?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47According to the British Navy - "provocative incursioning."
0:09:50 > 0:09:54According to them, they were "surveying the waters."
0:09:54 > 0:09:57You say "tomato" I say..."tom-ato."
0:09:58 > 0:09:59The Royal Navy source said -
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Ramming a probe?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Yes, said Vice Admiral Julian Clary.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12How have we been winding up the Spanish
0:10:12 > 0:10:15recently in a footballing sense...
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Ian?
0:10:19 > 0:10:23Britain has encouraged Gibraltar to apply to become the newest
0:10:23 > 0:10:24and smallest member of UEFA,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27which would mean it would be able to qualify for European tournaments,
0:10:27 > 0:10:29if it wasn't so rubbish.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Do you know what Gibraltar's biggest ever international win was?
0:10:32 > 0:10:341-0. 2-0. No.
0:10:34 > 0:10:383-0. Yeah, we could be here all night.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39Gibraltar's biggest ever win is -
0:10:44 > 0:10:48Although, to be fair, Sark's back four consisted of the Postmistress,
0:10:48 > 0:10:50a couple of goats and a tree.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Staying with international news,
0:10:52 > 0:10:55who's been throwing their weight around in Toronto?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57This is Rob Ford. Rob Ford, the Mayor.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00He's a bit out of control, isn't he? And they can't do anything about it.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02They can't get rid of him and he's basically said,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05"Yeah, I did crack cocaine but I was completely pissed at the time."
0:11:05 > 0:11:07That's kind of being his defence.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Haven't they got rid of him by now, thought? Hasn't he gone?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12No, no, he's still staying. Is he still clinging on?
0:11:12 > 0:11:13They can't get rid of him.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16People these days to resign at the drop of a hat.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19It's hard not to slightly admire the guy, when he's this bang to rights.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21He's been caught on video smoking crack cocaine...
0:11:21 > 0:11:25So don't worry, Rob Ford, Richard Bacon is throwing his weight
0:11:25 > 0:11:26behind you so you're going to be all right.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Let me tell you the best fact of the wee.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29This is the best fact of the week.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33When he admitted that he'd smoked crack cocaine,
0:11:33 > 0:11:36his approval ratings went up.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Boris, if you're watching...
0:11:41 > 0:11:43But how low were they?
0:11:43 > 0:11:47It might be just the crack dealers going, "Yeah..."
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Have you got the footage of when he ran around the Parliament...?
0:11:50 > 0:11:51OH, I have.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54This is him running around the City Hall debating chamber
0:11:54 > 0:11:56and knocking over a pensioner.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01"Buffet's open!"
0:12:03 > 0:12:06The Toronto Council had just stripped him
0:12:06 > 0:12:08of most of his powers after it emerged that he had,
0:12:08 > 0:12:12at various times, smoked crack on camera, driven while drunk,
0:12:12 > 0:12:13sexually harassed a colleague
0:12:13 > 0:12:15and talked on television about giving her oral sex,
0:12:15 > 0:12:17racially abused a taxi driver,
0:12:17 > 0:12:19and been caught in a hotel room with prostitutes.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23In Italy they'd probably make him Prime Minister.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25APPLAUSE
0:12:25 > 0:12:28His defence was good, as well. He said -
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Yeah, but not all the mistakes at once! Not in one night.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37You don't have the oral sex clip, do you, where he was talking about that?
0:12:37 > 0:12:40We don't have that, the oral sex clip, no.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43I've forgotten we're on BBC One at nine o'clock on Friday.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Newsnight's got it at 10:30.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Mark Austin's going to be showing it to all the paedophiles
0:12:48 > 0:12:50that are watching.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Shall we have a look at a clip of Rob Ford in happier times?
0:12:54 > 0:12:55It's open to debate.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58There's people in there are for it, and people that are against it.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01That's why we're having it. Excuse me, guys.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02BLEEP!
0:13:03 > 0:13:04Oh! Oh!
0:13:07 > 0:13:11This is a week of international turmoil including mounting tension
0:13:11 > 0:13:12around Gibraltar.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15The Telegraph showed a map of the actual course around Gibraltar,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18taken by the Spanish survey ship.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20So either they were deliberately provoking the British
0:13:20 > 0:13:22or it was the captain of the Costa Concordia
0:13:22 > 0:13:24trying to find his way back to Italy.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28According to the Guardian, following his crack-smoking escapades...
0:13:33 > 0:13:36As, in his case, a fat, red-faced man shouting, "Ho! Ho! Ho!"
0:13:36 > 0:13:38just looked like he was trying to organise a foursome.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Ian and Janet, here's another for you.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48That's the former Prime Minster, David Cameron.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50They're disappearing from history.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53The Conservative website has been redesigned,
0:13:53 > 0:13:57but during the redesign, someone just pressed the delete button.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00So everything from the last ten years has gone.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Yeah. How convenient. Yes.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06So it's either an accident or a sort of psychological need to forget.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10The Rob Ford system - "Delete, gone, it's not my fault."
0:14:10 > 0:14:14All those pictures of Seb Coe and William Hague...
0:14:14 > 0:14:18Yes... Old friendships, all eradicated. Allegedly.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19Allegedly, yeah.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22And all Cameron's speeches about being environmentally friendly
0:14:22 > 0:14:24and green and all that and no-one can look up
0:14:24 > 0:14:28and check anything from the past, from the Conservative website.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I mean, there are other... They're living in the present, aren't they?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Yeah, they've put it all behind them.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38But the Tories have done something even more sinister. What is that?
0:14:38 > 0:14:39They brought back John Major.
0:14:39 > 0:14:45He's pronounced that social mobility has frozen, ground to a halt.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49There's no chance of anyone like him getting back in the Cabinet.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52And also that was echoed by Alan Milburn , spookily enough.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53He said, in a speech in Norfolk -
0:15:05 > 0:15:08To me, from my background, I find it hilarious.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10LAUGHTER
0:15:10 > 0:15:11I don't.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13John Major has obviously opened up.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Why do you think he's suddenly made the speech?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Well, there was a period of shame in this country
0:15:19 > 0:15:21after sleeping with Edwina Currie, it's ten years.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23What proportion of the Cabinet
0:15:23 > 0:15:25have been to public school? It's very high.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29But they're not all that posh. Michael Gove is quite rough.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31He's only been skiing, like, twice.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33LAUGHTER There was someone that sprang to
0:15:33 > 0:15:37the defence of the super-rich this week. Who might that have been?
0:15:37 > 0:15:38It was Boris. Yeah. He said
0:15:38 > 0:15:41we should be fantastically grateful to them.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43I don't think he meant the posh generally, just the rich.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47Because they pay vast amounts of taxes. Boris said:
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Ugh!
0:16:08 > 0:16:09No chance of Sir Jimmy Carr, then.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11LAUGHTER
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Did you go to public school?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- Y-y-yes. - The way you said "Y-y-yes."
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Either you did, or you bloody well didn't. So you did.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- Yes, I did. - Paul, did you go to public school?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26No, I was found in a ditch outside a comprehensive.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30You went to public school. Ian, did you go to public school?
0:16:30 > 0:16:35Yes, I did, Janet. So that's 60% of this panel went to public school.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Yeah. Instead of 7%, which it should be.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41So I suggest at least 53% of us leave.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45This is the Conservative party showing the country
0:16:45 > 0:16:47that they really do care about winning the next election.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Like something out of George Orwell,
0:16:49 > 0:16:53the Tories think they can erase all record of their speeches
0:16:53 > 0:16:57just by deleting them from their own website. But they are wrong.
0:16:57 > 0:17:02For example, here is one of David Cameron's broken promises from 2009.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Turns out they're cleverer than we thought.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09According to the Independent,
0:17:09 > 0:17:13the Conservatives run the risk of being reduced to a "rump party".
0:17:13 > 0:17:16"Count me in," said Paul Flowers.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20Also this week, 75-year-old David Dimbleby got a tattoo.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Talking about the roses tattooed on Cheryl Cole's bottom,
0:17:23 > 0:17:25David Dimbleby said, "I wasn't tempted."
0:17:25 > 0:17:27No-one wants flowers near their bottom -
0:17:27 > 0:17:29especially if he's off his face on drugs.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Paul and Richard, here's another for you.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Yes, this is Wales.
0:17:41 > 0:17:46Scotland, Scotland, time, pendulum, calendar, dates.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Scottish dancing. I don't know.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52Have they printed a lot of calendars with a month missing or something?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54No. BELL
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Magdalen College, Oxford.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00It's about people within the calendar, the Scottish calendar.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02There's no Scottish people in it. That's the one!
0:18:02 > 0:18:05How was the calendar billed? "Scotland for the Scottish."
0:18:05 > 0:18:08It's billed as the 2014 Men In Kilts calendar
0:18:08 > 0:18:09and is said to be:
0:18:11 > 0:18:14However, according to the Sun, all the men were English and Welsh
0:18:14 > 0:18:16and the shoot took place in Devon for budget reasons.
0:18:16 > 0:18:21Janet, would you like to see some of the hot non-Scots?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Show me some hot men in kilts. Here's Mr February.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26And what tartan's he wearing?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28It's sort of black.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Maybe he's going to a funeral.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34On a hot day. On a hot day. In Scotland. Quite honestly,
0:18:34 > 0:18:38it looks like they filmed it in a car park or a dogging spot in Surrey.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Are you saying it's a place you recognise?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Let's look at Mr July.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46It's the same bloke, isn't it? I think it's the same man.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Mr September.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50April.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53I wonder if they're not on Grindr waiting for Paul Flowers' call.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54All three of them?
0:18:54 > 0:18:57It's very hard to get reception on Grindr in the countryside.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00I'm told by someone that has Grindr.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02What is Grindr exactly?
0:19:02 > 0:19:08It's a thing for men who are of a gay persuasion
0:19:08 > 0:19:10to go on and find other men of a gay persuasion
0:19:10 > 0:19:13who want to meet up and squire each other.
0:19:13 > 0:19:19This is the 2014 Men in Kilts calendar costing ?9.99
0:19:19 > 0:19:21which has outraged Scots everywhere.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23"?9.99 for a calendar?!"
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Johannesburg? Johannesburg, yeah.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41BELL That's the John Lewis Christmas ad.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43LAUGHTER
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Is it about an overweight man getting stuck in a changing room
0:19:47 > 0:19:50or something? Or in a door? No. It's the story
0:19:50 > 0:19:53of a man called John Lewis, who has been mistaken for a shop
0:19:53 > 0:19:56called John Lewis. How was the man mistaken for the shop?
0:19:56 > 0:20:00People going in and having a look round?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Saying, "Does the price promise work here?"
0:20:03 > 0:20:07John Lewis the man, an American computer science professor,
0:20:07 > 0:20:09nipped in before the retail chain
0:20:09 > 0:20:12and registered the Twitter handle @JohnLewis.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14What have John Lewis recently spent ?7 million on?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16That saccharine advert.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19What do you think of ?7 million on that? It's disgusting.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21And actually, last Sunday night,
0:20:21 > 0:20:26when they played one advert after another during Downton Abbey,
0:20:26 > 0:20:28at the end of the evening you just thought,
0:20:28 > 0:20:30"Millions and millions of pounds wasted."
0:20:30 > 0:20:32ALL: On Downton Abbey!
0:20:32 > 0:20:34LAUGHTER
0:20:34 > 0:20:35APPLAUSE
0:20:35 > 0:20:39This is Mr John Lewis, who has been deluged with thousands of tweets
0:20:39 > 0:20:42meant for the John Lewis department store.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44He's responded very politely to all of them,
0:20:44 > 0:20:47unlike 87-year-old Gloucestershire resident Ann Summers.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50LAUGHTER
0:20:50 > 0:20:54This year's John Lewis advert features a cartoon bear and a hare.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57It cost ?7 million to make and it's based on Aesop's fable
0:20:57 > 0:21:01about a gullible shopkeeper and a cynical advertising agency.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13Is this about "selfie" becoming the latest addition
0:21:13 > 0:21:15to the Oxford dictionary? Yes.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17"Selfie" is the Word of 2013.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Rembrandt used to do them.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21LAUGHTER
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Slightly longer, but it's the same thing.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28There were some other contenders, though.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Fingers on buzzers if you can define them.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Firstly, showrooming.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35BELL Vintage cars.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38LAUGHTER
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Oddly not.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43To examine a product in a shop
0:21:43 > 0:21:46before buying it online at a lower price.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Right. Twerk.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Go! My buzzer's not going off!
0:21:51 > 0:21:55It's the blue one. I'm the wrong one. You're pressing the light.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58It's partially an intelligence test, to be honest.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04It's a sort of dance, it's a backward movement,
0:22:04 > 0:22:05it's a gyration, isn't it? Yeah.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Miley Cyrus, the twerking. She did the twerking.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11The dancing. Ian, are you au fait with twerking?
0:22:11 > 0:22:13It's everywhere.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Twerking Men's Clubs everywhere.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Everything.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Whistle while you twerk. Exactly.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22We've all been there.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25And we've got a daguerreotype here of Lord Palmerston doing it.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Selfie has been proclaimed word of the year 2013.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32Other new words this year were snout, shank and shower-bitch.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33They're not new to us,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36but it's the first time Chris Huhne's ever heard them.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39It's now time for the Odd One Out round.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Just one between you this week.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Ming the Mollusc,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Glenn Greenwald's phone,
0:22:45 > 0:22:46Burt Kwouk
0:22:46 > 0:22:49and the E coli O157.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50BUZZER
0:22:50 > 0:22:54I think it's called Ming the Mollusc cos it's 500 years old
0:22:54 > 0:22:56and dates to the Ming dynasty.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Scientists found it in their hold, killed it. Killed it.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03And then discovered it was the oldest animal that I think has ever lived.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04Oh, really? Yeah.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08So you can get ill from eating those, E coli can make you ill. Absolutely.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Burt Kwouk, is it the actor
0:23:10 > 0:23:13or is it the part he's playing in the Pink Panther films as Cato?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15It's the actor? It's the part.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Cato. Give us a clue.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Containing the answer.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22Oh, cold.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Oh, right, OK.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Yes, Cato was hidden in a fridge. Yes.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29He was hiding in the fridge in a film and comes out.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31So it's about people being put in fridges.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34The mollusc should have been put in a fridge and it would have survived.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Cato jumped out of a fridge, he was all right.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39The E coli bacteria's all right if you freeze it.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40It's the bloke with the phone.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42His phone was hidden in a fridge. The fridge thing is right,
0:23:42 > 0:23:46everything else is wrong, but I'll give you a point so we can move on.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49All the others survived a stint in the freezer except Ming the Mollusc.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50Who died. OK.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54Glenn Greenwald, the former Guardian journalist who was involved in
0:23:54 > 0:23:58the publication of the intelligence emails leaked by Edward Snowden,
0:23:58 > 0:24:01regularly put his phone in the freezer. Why?
0:24:01 > 0:24:04He was worried it would be bugged. For security, yes.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07there's an even more effective you can put your phone to stop hacking.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11Any ideas? Is that News International HQ?
0:24:11 > 0:24:14A Martini shaker.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18Oh, OK. Ming the Mollusc was an ocean quahog, a type of clam.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20How easy is it to date a clam?
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Well, you have to get them drunk first.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25There's an app called chowder. Yeah.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27LAUGHTER
0:24:27 > 0:24:30APPLAUSE
0:24:30 > 0:24:33You've got to watch out for Chlamydia though.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35LAUGHTER
0:24:35 > 0:24:37No, I've never dated a clam before.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40I've pulled a few muscles.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43LAUGHTER
0:24:43 > 0:24:46But if nothing else, this story brought out
0:24:46 > 0:24:49a certain solidarity amongst headline writers.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53What do you think the Independent, Mirror and the Mail all went with?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Clam Dead After 500 Years. No.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57That wouldn't be very good, would it?
0:24:57 > 0:24:58Shuts. Clam shuts.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Clam shell, clam shut, clam....
0:25:01 > 0:25:04JANET: Tears, cry...
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Ah, yes, yes, Clam Claps Mime Artist.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11No! Are you taking the piss? Do you know what it is now?
0:25:11 > 0:25:12No. No. No.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15You do! This is what stupid people look like.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19I've never seen anyone worse at charades than you.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21That is a very good clam mime.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24We got the clam bit!
0:25:24 > 0:25:27The sad bit, the sorrow. What would happen? Oh, damn, it's such a...
0:25:27 > 0:25:30It's such a shame.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Calamity!
0:25:32 > 0:25:34A calamity, Ian. That's terrible.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Why is it terrible? It's a clamity.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40I'm not mad, am I? You all got that.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43What...what were the tears for?
0:25:43 > 0:25:46How would that lead us to calamity as a pun?
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Right, you're all going, you can be the panellists now. Come on.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Time for the Missing Words round.
0:25:53 > 0:25:54We start with...
0:25:56 > 0:25:57Planning permission.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59LAUGHTER
0:26:01 > 0:26:03It's a career.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Basically, yeah.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11Cliff's attempts to look young have been scorned this week by the Daily Mail.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13But as Cliff himself once remarked...
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Yes, Cliff, only because you've managed to lose your Shadows.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24That's actually a very good joke. It's just the way you did it.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26LAUGHTER
0:26:28 > 0:26:29Next...
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Germany.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35No, the answer is...
0:26:38 > 0:26:44You're kidding. Here's an aerial view of the housing estate.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48The swastika shape has already had a major effect on those house prices.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51One buyer was recently gazumped by Nic Griffin.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Next...
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Screws Volkswagen.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58LAUGHTER
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Bored robot tops itself.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Yes. Yes?!
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Bored robot killed itself. I've had enough!
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Did it chuck itself into the Thames?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11I don't know. Maybe it ran a bath and then just got in it.
0:27:13 > 0:27:18So, the final scores, Richard and Paul have 10
0:27:18 > 0:27:19Janet and Ian have five.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23APPLAUSE
0:27:25 > 0:27:28And I leave you with news that in Edinburgh
0:27:28 > 0:27:32a prospective father waits anxiously outside a fertility clinic.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40In Aldershot, in the playground of a primary school,
0:27:40 > 0:27:43a pupil prepares for a visit from Michael Gove.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53And in North Yorkshire, keen rambler Janet Street-Porter is told
0:27:53 > 0:27:55that her favourite footpath has been blocked off.
0:27:58 > 0:27:59Good night.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01APPLAUSE
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Most people know it's the 50th anniversary of Dr Who,
0:28:38 > 0:28:40but I'd just like to point out
0:28:40 > 0:28:43that he's not the only time traveller. Let's go back 20 years.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46METALLIC THRUMMING
0:29:04 > 0:29:06LAUGHTER