0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Kathy Burke.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42In the news this week
0:00:42 > 0:00:45The runner-up graciously concedes defeat as the winner
0:00:45 > 0:00:49of the 2013 Twat of the Year Award is announced.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00After four of the Spice Girls refuse another comeback tour,
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Gerri Halliwell starts rehearsals without them.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14There's evidence that whilst Nigella Lawson was on drugs
0:01:14 > 0:01:17she may have made a few mistakes with her burrito recipe.
0:01:25 > 0:01:30On Ian's team tonight is a Conservative MP who, at university,
0:01:30 > 0:01:36studied Classical Civilisation and Mesopotamian Archaeology.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39So, he's one of the more forward-thinking
0:01:39 > 0:01:41members of the Tory party.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Please welcome, Tim Loughton MP.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52And with Paul tonight is a comedian who was recently
0:01:52 > 0:01:57described as a leading light of the new wave of niceness in comedy.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59What a sick-making load of old bollocks.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Please welcome prize arsehole, Miles Jupp.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Should I be clapping that?
0:02:11 > 0:02:14And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Paul and Miles, take a look at this.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19This is David Cameron in China.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23He's very interested in red carpets and he's been shown a lot of them.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25MILES: He loves a footwell.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27"Ah, so the feet go there!" So, yes, he's in China, isn't he?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29He's selling us to the Chinese.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Well, they own a lot already, don't they? They own Weetabix.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- Do they?- I found that out the other day. Weetabix!
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Every time you eat one you're helping the Red Army.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41That's one way of looking at it.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43They own quite a lot of government these days.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Not allowed to say what we like about the Dalai Lama.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47No, that's right...well.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Have you noticed, on the menus, at every dinner for at least 5,000
0:02:50 > 0:02:52people they have laid on for the Prime Minister this week,
0:02:52 > 0:02:54they've had bamboo fungus on the menu.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- Apparently a delicacy.- Yes.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57I think it's like Polonium.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00They're obviously drip feeding him this, to condition him,
0:03:00 > 0:03:03and when he comes back at the required moment they can press
0:03:03 > 0:03:06the button and say "Kill the Dalai Lama", or whatever it is.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- You're quite bitter about this, aren't you?- No.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Because he did fire you, didn't he?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- Who, the Dalai Lama?- Yeah.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- You used to be a monk. - I've never been a monk.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20The haircut wouldn't suit me. You would make a good monk.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24- No!- He's halfway there.- I don't look good in orange, either.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Oh, I don't know.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28I can see you setting fire to yourself.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- I was trying to be nice, you... - You were trying to be nice!
0:03:37 > 0:03:40You suggest he sets fire to himself.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43He's on your side. We've only been going for two minutes.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Who has got a can of petrol?
0:03:47 > 0:03:49The Prime Minister told you not to meet the Dalai Lama,
0:03:49 > 0:03:51and then you resigned, didn't you?
0:03:51 > 0:03:55I didn't meet the Dalai Lama at the time, no.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57You got all that wrong.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Oh, well, you can set fire to yourself, then.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03I met the Dalai Lama. He's a lovely man.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05- I'm sure he's charming. - He chuckles a lot.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07He's up at three o'clock in the morning, every day.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- Did you now that?- I didn't, no. - Fantastic man.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13MILES: Is that to meet you under cover of darkness?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15He's got a very difficult paper round.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19And what can we sell to China?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Well, they've got plenty of red carpet,
0:04:21 > 0:04:23that much we have established.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25I don't know. Things they don't have.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29According to the Metro, David Cameron signs the deal
0:04:29 > 0:04:33to send £45 million worth of pig semen to China.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35He did well to pull that off.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Yes.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43I don't know how expensive this commodity is, so whether £45 million
0:04:43 > 0:04:46is a lot, or just a thimble full, I've no idea.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Actually, there's a funny, buzzing, noise.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Could someone turn their phone off, please?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- I'll bet it's Tim.- Shit.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- Yes, that's me.- See, I knew it...
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Busted.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Yeah, it's the Dalai Lama.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02I know, Ian, why don't you set fire to his phone?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08What was David Cameron doing on Weibo?
0:05:08 > 0:05:09It's Twitter, isn't it?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12He got 150,000 followers within a few minutes,
0:05:12 > 0:05:14and then, the first thing he got back,
0:05:14 > 0:05:18somebody said "Mr Prime Minister, are you bringing opium with you?"
0:05:18 > 0:05:19That's a good folk memory,
0:05:19 > 0:05:23the last time Britain was big, we were shipping in narcotics on mass.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26We should send in some of our celebrities.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32No, he appeared on Chinese telly, with his new two words,
0:05:32 > 0:05:33"kow" and "tow".
0:05:34 > 0:05:36They're Mandarin.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39He did say something very impressive, have you got a clip?
0:05:39 > 0:05:43I don't know if we've got a clip of him saying something impressive.
0:05:48 > 0:05:53- All right, it's just Chinese. - No, we haven't. What did...?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55What was it he did that so impressed you?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Oh, he just spoke Mandarin for a bit. It's quite hard.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01He may have made it all up, I don't know.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04He said they should definitely teach Mandarin in schools.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07That's a bit patronising, I imagine they already do.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Extraordinary way to behave.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Why, according to the Telegraph,
0:06:13 > 0:06:17does the Prime Minister value Prime Minister's Question Time?
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Gets him out of the house? No, it gets him in the House.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24He said...
0:06:29 > 0:06:30Smart move.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34David Cameron had two official banquets...banquets?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- Is that how you say it? - Depends what the word is, really?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42If it's written down, "rhododendron",
0:06:42 > 0:06:43then it probably isn't.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46David Cameron had two official banquets
0:06:46 > 0:06:48with powerful Chinese leaders. What did he eat?
0:06:48 > 0:06:53- Bamboo fungus.- This bamboo fungus, known, according to the Mail, as...
0:06:56 > 0:06:59An old boyfriend of mine had that once.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03I was happy.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08On the subject of superpowers behaving badly,
0:07:08 > 0:07:11what have the Russians been doing in the Ukraine?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13They've been trying to prevent democracy.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17Ukraine is very keen on closer ties with Europe.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20The Russians are very keen on closer ties with themselves.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24They had a vote, Putin voted once, and he decided that's it.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28So, that's it, really, poor old Ukraine.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30It's the only place in the world you can see people flying
0:07:30 > 0:07:32an EU flag happily.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38They've been interrupting Ukrainian TV coverage of pro-Western
0:07:38 > 0:07:41demonstrations with clips from a genuine children's
0:07:41 > 0:07:45programme about basic bodily functions.
0:07:45 > 0:07:51Here's a talking bottom sitting next to a turd and a stream of piss.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Oh, no, sorry, that's the latest panel of Loose Women.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Who's the cactus? A walk-on guest?
0:08:05 > 0:08:06What's that representing?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Sexually transmitted diseases?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I hate looking at jobs I auditioned for and didn't get.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Yeah.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16APPLAUSE
0:08:18 > 0:08:22This is the most blatant attempt by a British Prime Minister
0:08:22 > 0:08:24to woo the Chinese...
0:08:24 > 0:08:28since Tony phoned Wendi to check Rupert was out.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Britain has come under attack from the Chinese Communist Party
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Newspaper, the Global Times, as being...
0:08:37 > 0:08:42I hear you, China, but takeaways and a shit Olympics - back at you.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45According to the Daily Mail...
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Well, if there's one thing there's never a shortage of in China,
0:08:56 > 0:08:58it's dolls for baby girls.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- Ian and Tim, take a look at this, please.- Right.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Now, that's the Chancellor.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09And again. Oh, look, they've got the same tie on.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Isn't that embarrassing when that happens?
0:09:11 > 0:09:12What's the Chancellor been up to?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15OK, well, today he's been up to a lot.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16The economy is booming.
0:09:16 > 0:09:21And George is cruising effortlessly to economic domination of the globe.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Right. Was that a party political broadcast?
0:09:25 > 0:09:27I don't know why you're laughing, it's fantastic.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31- I think it's because they don't believe you.- Oh, OK.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32What's he done now, then?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- He's come up with an autumn statement.- Mm-hm.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38- The particulars of which you're riveted by.- Oh...
0:09:38 > 0:09:40"All the leaves are brown.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42"And the sky is grey."
0:09:42 > 0:09:44- Yes, a lot of interesting things. - Mm-hm.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47No more tax discs on your car. You'll just do it online.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49And they'll say, "Oh, you haven't got your password,
0:09:49 > 0:09:52"you can't do it." And then they'll arrest you.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56- And then they'll set your car on fire.- Yeah.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57You should be happy.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Then I'll go down to the Post Office and set THEM on fire.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Yeah, exactly.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03- Tim, you know how tough...- Oh, God.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- ..George Osborne polices can be, don't you?- Yeah.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- Shall we take a little look?- No.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12I'm very happy with the policy that George Osborne announced yesterday.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15It's tough, it's a difficult choice, but it's fair.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- End of. REPORTER:- It doesn't need a review,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19- it doesn't need anything looking at? - End of.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21- You said we have to see what comes along later...- End of.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- You said that...- End of.- ..we have to see what comes along later
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- Does that imply you're going to try and...- End of.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Funny you should use that clip.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Cos you had it on this programme two years ago, when it happened.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- We did.- Yeah, and I remember
0:10:38 > 0:10:40your quote at the time was, "End of your career."
0:10:40 > 0:10:43And you were right! Two years too early, but, yeah.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45- Yeah, well, it's funnier now. - Yeah, it is.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48True.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53David Cameron has been going out of his way not to mention
0:10:53 > 0:10:55the Dalai Lama or human rights.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58But what has he been going on about all week?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- Um...- Well, what he's been going on about is how good together
0:11:01 > 0:11:03him and George Osborne are.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- Oh, right.- There have been rumours of splits recently,
0:11:06 > 0:11:08but Cameron told journalists...
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Yeah, right, I saw George trying to throttle him
0:11:29 > 0:11:30when he was off his head on coke.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Nah, not really, I made it up!
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Did ya?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38In other George Osborne news,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41what's he got now that he didn't have last week?
0:11:41 > 0:11:42He's got a nice little dog.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Does what he says.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45He's called it Nick.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- He's bought a Bichon Frise.- Mm.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Which I thought was a starter.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55It is, in China.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56Maybe. Ooh...
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Yeah, he's got Lola living with him.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Inevitably, he posted a picture on Twitter.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03ALL: Ahh.
0:12:03 > 0:12:08- That's nice.- First time anyone's gone, "Ahh," about George Osborne.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12And in other Tory news, what's the latest on Lady Thatcher?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Still dead.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16She's got a Christmas single.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22That's brilliant.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27"Ding Dong The Witch Is Still Dead."
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Very, very bad. Very bad.
0:12:30 > 0:12:31Very, very bad.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35A copy of her will appears to show that the £12 million
0:12:35 > 0:12:40central London house she lived in wasn't actually owned by her,
0:12:40 > 0:12:45but by an anonymous trust registered in the British Virgin Islands.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47MAN CACKLES
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Vodafone!
0:12:48 > 0:12:52And there's a man here knows their national anthem.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54This is the Chancellor's autumn statement.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57David Cameron insists that his relationship with
0:12:57 > 0:13:00George Osborne remains strong, saying...
0:13:03 > 0:13:07A combination which is then inserted into Nick Clegg to work his mouth.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Ahem, yeah.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14This week, George Osborne got a new dog.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16For an ex-public schoolboy,
0:13:16 > 0:13:19having a dog is a bit like having your own fag,
0:13:19 > 0:13:21only after fetching your slippers,
0:13:21 > 0:13:23the dog licks his own bollocks.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- Paul and Miles...- Yeah.- ..here's another for you lovely boys.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Fantastic. Money being printed. Obviously.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33RBS - Royal Bank of Scotland not giving people money.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Um, being very, very bad people.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38People couldn't get their credit cards to work the other day,
0:13:38 > 0:13:40when it was one of the biggest shopping days of the year,
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Christmas rush and all that, so people are very unhappy
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- with the Royal Bank of Scotland. - That's right, yes.- Yeah.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48This is news that serial cock-up merchants RBS
0:13:48 > 0:13:52cocked up again this week, leaving customers unable to use their cards.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55And on the busiest day of the year for online shopping, too.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59What have the press and sad, desperate marketing people
0:13:59 > 0:14:01been trying to do?
0:14:01 > 0:14:02Call this a special day.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- Black Friday, or something. - TIM: Cyber Monday.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Supersonic Tuesday.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11Next it'll be Wank Wednesday...
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Thuck off Thursday.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17The director of John Lewis online told the Times...
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Oh, give it a rest.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I quite like the idea of things CATCHING FIRE on a Friday!
0:14:32 > 0:14:34What was the effect of all this hype?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36People were fighting in Argos.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Don't they go to Argos and hit each other?
0:14:39 > 0:14:42I've seen it on the news, it's fantastic.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44You know what they're going to be doing next?
0:14:46 > 0:14:47Ssh!
0:14:47 > 0:14:49People attacking each other in Argos?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51- You've seen this on the news?- Yeah.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Well, he's not been there, has he?
0:14:54 > 0:14:57APPLAUSE
0:14:59 > 0:15:01That's the Greek God of shopping, Argos.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03- Was it?- No.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Also this week, it emerged that Britain is way ahead
0:15:08 > 0:15:11of all other European countries in terms of what?
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Growth - we're growing much more than other people.
0:15:14 > 0:15:15Other people look at us saying,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- FRENCH ACCENT: - "I wish I was English."
0:15:17 > 0:15:19It's the way it has been.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21But not everybody from Denmark thinks that.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26It's actually how much we are paying our bakers.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Oh, no, hang on, it's bankers, yes.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31The Mary Berrys...
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Good idea for a programme, though, isn't it?
0:15:34 > 0:15:37IAN AND KATHY: "Great British Bank Off."
0:15:39 > 0:15:40It's based on the figures
0:15:40 > 0:15:43for bankers who earn more than one million euros.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46The UK has 2,714 of them.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49I'm a bit brain-dead with all that. You know, the bankers...
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- Other people's money. - I know. It's awful.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Better putting it all in a pile and just...
0:15:55 > 0:15:56Burn it.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00And finally, in other retail news this week,
0:16:00 > 0:16:03online retailer Amazon revealed that in the future,
0:16:03 > 0:16:05they plan to deliver packages by drones.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08The Express helpfully showed how the system will work
0:16:08 > 0:16:11from step one - customer places order -
0:16:11 > 0:16:12through to step five -
0:16:12 > 0:16:13the drone takes off from the warehouse.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Step seven, the drone lands outside the customer's house,
0:16:16 > 0:16:18where it releases the package.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Although, for some reason, it doesn't show step eight,
0:16:20 > 0:16:22where some bastard nicks it.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27What if you wanted to buy a drone?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32I mean, this is a made-up story.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33The economics of it -
0:16:33 > 0:16:35this drone can only deliver one package at one point,
0:16:35 > 0:16:38where a man with a van has got 50 or 60 packages
0:16:38 > 0:16:39in the back of his van.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41You'd have to have 50 or 60 drones replace every van.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43- You're wasted here.- I know that.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46It's the bottle of whisky I had before the recording.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56- If I was Father Christmas... - Are you?
0:16:59 > 0:17:00You're not Father Christmas, are you?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- Well, I can't really talk about it here.- Oh, OK.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06But he would be excited by drone technology.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Maybe he already is. Maybe he's an absolute warmonger.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13They're not going to send a drone to Ian's house, are they?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Cos it's going to turn up back to Amazon on fire.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21"Coming in to land - he's not going to make it, Skipper!"
0:17:24 > 0:17:29And finally, has anyone noticed that now Jeremy Paxman's getting old,
0:17:29 > 0:17:31he has an evening nap in the Newsnight studio
0:17:31 > 0:17:34and only wakes when they play the theme tune?
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Have a look at this.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Now, time for Newsnight here on BBC Two,
0:17:39 > 0:17:41with Jeremy Paxman.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45"NEWSNIGHT" THEME PLAYS
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Yes, this is RBS, the bank that likes to pay less,
0:17:56 > 0:17:59whose entire computer system failed on Cyber Monday.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03To be fair, everyone was affected - even senior bankers found out
0:18:03 > 0:18:05that their credit cards had stopped working.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Paul Flowers had to chop out his coke with his bus pass.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12According to the Telegraph,
0:18:12 > 0:18:14in order to dispose of toxic assets...
0:18:18 > 0:18:19"Also"?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24What do they think they are at the moment?
0:18:26 > 0:18:27Ian and Tim, here's another for you.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Oh, this is our ranking in the world.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Apparently, since I left the Department of Education,
0:18:33 > 0:18:35things aren't going too well.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Is that why?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Look! Mr Gove, your friend.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40And his new adviser.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44He's replaced you with him.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Apparently, rankings of British pupils have gone through the floor.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52We've had years and years of...
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- "Of Labour neglect..." - ..Labour neglect.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55I'll do the echo.
0:18:55 > 0:19:00And single-handedly, Michael Gove is now rescuing our pupils.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03For him to do it single-handedly is not a good policy.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08You don't really like Michael, though, do you?
0:19:08 > 0:19:09What's not to like, for God's sake?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Didn't he say that you were very lazy and useless?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Did he?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- Who did the best? - South-East Asian countries.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22- Shanghai.- Korea.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Yeah, but twice as many people took the tests in Britain
0:19:25 > 0:19:27as in any of those countries.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28So, mathematically...
0:19:35 > 0:19:37- ..I've no idea what that means. - That's the problem.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41You were something to do with schools, weren't you?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- Before you got the push? - Nothing to do with me at all.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45I looked after children.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Is this one for Operation Yewtree?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Come on - can we do a Boris IQ question?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57He did badly, didn't he? On a test this week, old Boris.
0:19:57 > 0:20:02Also, he blurted out his idea about selling the naming rights
0:20:02 > 0:20:04for Tube stations to big companies
0:20:04 > 0:20:06He said...
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Can't we change the name of London to Shanghai?
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Can you come up with any other names that could be used?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23"Oxford Marmalade Circus."
0:20:24 > 0:20:26"Victoria Secrets"?
0:20:30 > 0:20:31Trust a Tory MP.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37"Nigella Lawson's Tooting"?
0:20:39 > 0:20:43This is the news that our education system is failing.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46The Daily Mail listed the global rankings for maths,
0:20:46 > 0:20:50which shockingly shows that we came 26th out of ten.
0:20:55 > 0:21:00Meanwhile, Boris Johnson has failed an intelligence test live on radio.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02One of the IQ questions that Boris got wrong
0:21:02 > 0:21:05involves setting an alarm clock, asking...
0:21:08 > 0:21:11To be fair, Boris didn't really understand the question,
0:21:11 > 0:21:14as he's normally woken up by her husband coming home.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22And so to Round Two - the Strengthometer of News.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26BUZZER
0:21:26 > 0:21:27MILES: Two lookalikes got married.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30They were professional lookalikes, and he...
0:21:30 > 0:21:31I think I've got this the right way round...
0:21:31 > 0:21:34- He looks like Debbie Harry. - That's right.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35And she, bless her...
0:21:35 > 0:21:36Looks like somebody out of Thunderbirds.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Here are the happy couple.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46It's uncanny.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Anyone know who else came to the wedding?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Robert Mugabe...
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Joshua Nkomo.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- That's right, yeah.- Joshua Nkomo was there.- Bomber Harris.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Gordon Ramsay, Ricky Gervais, the couple and David Beckham.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Not doing too bad as looky-likies.
0:22:05 > 0:22:10Yeah, once you close your eyes it's easier.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Also, Kate and Prince William turned up.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Who didn't look like himself this week?
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Anyone see this picture?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- Tom Jones.- Is that real?- Yeah.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Looks pretty good for a tomato of his age.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Is he learning Mandarin by becoming an orange?
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Talking of lookalikes, whose appearance was compared
0:22:34 > 0:22:37to Marie Antoinette climbing the scaffold this week?
0:22:37 > 0:22:38It was Nigella.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Sarah Vine in the Mail compared her to Marie Antoinette.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43So, should we have a look?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Here's Nigella...here's Marie Antoinette.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54If she'd had dinner with Charles Saatchi... No, no, no...
0:22:56 > 0:22:58APPLAUSE
0:22:59 > 0:23:02This week in Dudley, a Blondie look-a-likey,
0:23:02 > 0:23:04married a Simon Cowell look-a-likey.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Simon Cowell look-a-likey Andy Monk told reporters...
0:23:11 > 0:23:13No. Nor can you.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Your four are - Tim Loughton,
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Icarus, Osama bin Laden,
0:23:23 > 0:23:26and 30,000 copies of David Walliams' new book.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28BUZZER
0:23:28 > 0:23:33I think this is something to do with heat or fire or being burnt.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- Fire?- Fire.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40Apart from sitting next to Britain's premier arsonist,
0:23:40 > 0:23:43have you been burnt? I mean, not financially,
0:23:43 > 0:23:45you don't need to tell us any woes.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47But have you been burnt in a pancake, or...?
0:23:47 > 0:23:51- No. No.- Did anything happen unpleasant at the end of this?- No.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Shall we do the, "Cor, what a tosser," line,
0:23:53 > 0:23:55get that out of the way for the moment?
0:23:55 > 0:23:59Well, if you want to say that about yourself, Tim,
0:23:59 > 0:24:01don't let any of us stop you.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I think it's water. Is it water?
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Yes, Tim, you are right.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08Icarus flew too close to the sun and fell into water.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Abu, no, eh... What's his name?
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Osama... They're all the same(!)
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Osama...
0:24:17 > 0:24:21The very bad man, Osama bin Laden was dumped in the sea,
0:24:21 > 0:24:23after they shot him.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26David Walliams, now he had to have his book pulped.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Some of his books fell in the water, or something.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31So, I'm the odd one out, cos I'm on dry land.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35No, you are the odd one out, cos you were STANDING in the sea.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37It could be a very large ice bucket.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44This was a story that appeared in the Mirror last year.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48The only true thing about the story was the title to that photo,
0:24:48 > 0:24:52which was "Minister caught with his pants up."
0:24:52 > 0:24:54And the rest of the story -
0:24:54 > 0:24:57it was the Commonwealth Education Ministers' Conference in Mauritius,
0:24:57 > 0:25:00and this was one warm glass of chardonnay.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03If this is an indication of what you would do when you're sober...
0:25:03 > 0:25:06what on earth do you get up to when you're drunk?
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Were you sacked for that?
0:25:07 > 0:25:11I don't think so. I think there were much worse things.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14It was Mr Gove, wasn't it, who sacked you?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Did he sack you single-handedly?
0:25:21 > 0:25:25So, it's time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:25:25 > 0:25:29which, this week, features as its guest publication Rattitude.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38The magazine of the North of England Rat Society.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42For northerners who don't find pigeons dirty enough.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47And we start with...
0:25:49 > 0:25:52MILES: Is it, "The fucking piss"?
0:25:55 > 0:25:56The answer is...
0:25:58 > 0:26:00No, they don't!
0:26:01 > 0:26:05This is the story of a court case in New York in which four chimpanzees
0:26:05 > 0:26:08are seeking to be recognised as humans.
0:26:08 > 0:26:13The complexities of the chimpanzees' case have left legal experts
0:26:13 > 0:26:15scratching their heads, rubbing their arses on ropes
0:26:15 > 0:26:19and eating things from behind each others' ears.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20Next...
0:26:24 > 0:26:26The bubonic plague.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30And it's the name "red eyed devil".
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Next...
0:26:34 > 0:26:38MILES: British Prime Minister talking patronisingly.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40- She had a flower in her head. - It was a fully-grown dandelion.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43A doctor tried to remove it by blowing,
0:26:43 > 0:26:46but all that happened was he found out it was three o' clock.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Next...
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Sexual tension.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00MILES: The body count. It was an absolute bloodbath.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02The safety officer.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07"Looks all right to me.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09"Just dump the rats on it
0:27:09 > 0:27:11"This is good stuff."
0:27:16 > 0:27:17Next...
0:27:19 > 0:27:21MILES: Relatively easy to spot.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Police in Norfolk have warned of an epidemic of people
0:27:31 > 0:27:33dressed as clowns.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Clowns are actually fairly easy to capture,
0:27:35 > 0:27:39because they tend to have extremely unreliable getaway cars.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Finally....
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Drunken fighting amongst priests.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56"You bastard!
0:27:56 > 0:27:58"You call that a wedding?"
0:28:03 > 0:28:05What?!
0:28:05 > 0:28:08The last time I had a rat backfire was when I stuck a firework up it.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12I'm just joking, obviously.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14It was a kitten.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17The final scores are -
0:28:17 > 0:28:19- Miles and Paul have eight.- What?
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Tim and Ian have six.
0:28:22 > 0:28:23You're the winners.
0:28:28 > 0:28:32But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35TIM: "I must not meet the Dalai Lama again."
0:28:35 > 0:28:37"I must not meet the Dalai Lama again."
0:28:37 > 0:28:39"I must not meet the Dalai Lama again."
0:28:43 > 0:28:46On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop
0:28:46 > 0:28:49and Tim Loughton, Paul Merton and Miles Jupp.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51And I leave you with news that
0:28:51 > 0:28:54after announcing several more years of austerity,
0:28:54 > 0:28:57George Osborne goes home to decorate his Christmas tree.
0:29:00 > 0:29:04In the Italian Parliament, the vote about whether Silvio Berlusconi
0:29:04 > 0:29:08should take a paternity test is passed with a majority of one.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14And, as Operation Yewtree combs the BBC for clues,
0:29:14 > 0:29:18police find a very disturbing image on David Attenborough's computer.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25Thank you very much. Good night.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:30:01 > 0:30:04Can I just say you pronounce my name LAWTON?
0:30:04 > 0:30:06I beg your pardon, Tim, sorry about that.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09Should have brought it up earlier though, you twat.