0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43I'm the woman...
0:00:43 > 0:00:47In the news this week, with the channel set to close down
0:00:47 > 0:00:49BBC Three's top creative team finds a new outlet
0:00:49 > 0:00:51for all their latest ideas.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00A Newsnight Special exposes the appalling sweatshop conditions
0:01:00 > 0:01:03for workers in a Taiwanese Walnut Whip factory.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17And as the government launches new regional TV stations,
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Good Morning Medway sends its top reporter to investigate
0:01:20 > 0:01:23the need for a safer footpath.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37On Ian's team tonight is the Shadow Justice Secretary
0:01:37 > 0:01:41and former human rights lawyer who spent years tirelessly working
0:01:41 > 0:01:43on behalf of the weak and powerless, which came in handy
0:01:43 > 0:01:45when he was campaign manager for Ed Miliband.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Please welcome Sadiq Khan MP.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56And with Paul tonight is a TV presenter who,
0:01:56 > 0:01:58when he was younger, wanted to be a policeman.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01He'd spend hours dressed in a uniform, walking around the house
0:02:01 > 0:02:03shredding documents and lying to everyone.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- Please welcome Richard Osman.- Hiya.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Ian and Sadiq, take a look at this.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17It's a postman.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20There's Vince Cable, who sold out.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22And that's the price going up and up.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24That's some people taking the piss.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29This is the story, Jennifer, of...
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- That's very good, you've remembered her name.- Yes, Jennifer.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- That's me. - Actually, when's David turning up?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36I was told this was Question Time.
0:02:36 > 0:02:42In my briefing, it said there would be a BBC legend in the chair.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43RICHARD: Hello?!
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Get back to the story, please.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51The government was warned that you shouldn't sell off Royal Mail,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54and if you do, sell it off at a fair price.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57And rather than selling off the shares at £5.60 or £5.70,
0:02:57 > 0:02:58as they should have done,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01they sold them off at a knock-down, bargain-basement price.
0:03:01 > 0:03:06As a consequence, you, us, the taxpayers, have lost £2.4 billion.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09They appointed one merchant bank to do the sell-off
0:03:09 > 0:03:12and that merchant bank chose another seven merchant banks, who all said,
0:03:12 > 0:03:14"Yes, we'll do this one."
0:03:14 > 0:03:19And, in the end, all the banks, between them, came to the conclusion
0:03:19 > 0:03:21that it should be sold off for £3.30.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24It was immediately worth five quid.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Guess who bought a lot of the shares. Was it the banks?!
0:03:26 > 0:03:28The same banks.
0:03:28 > 0:03:3370% were given to these banks rather than to us to buy or the employees.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36And they've made a whopping fortune at our expense.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37And it is disgraceful!
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- It's disgraceful. - And Vince Cable and David Cameron
0:03:40 > 0:03:42and George Osborne should be ashamed.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44OK, well done. Well summed up.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49I was hoping you were going to say "hung" at the end, there.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- No...- Ashamed? They're not going to be ashamed.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55RICHARD: Why is the Royal Mail worth so much money, though?
0:03:55 > 0:03:56I don't really understand it.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Perhaps it's because e-mail didn't really catch on.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03As you've already pointed out,
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Vince arranged for 16 priority investors,
0:04:06 > 0:04:09who were offered extra shares as an incentive
0:04:09 > 0:04:11to stay on as long-term investors.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13And what measures did he put in place to stop them
0:04:13 > 0:04:17selling the shares straightaway and stop them making a massive profit?
0:04:17 > 0:04:18- You've already said it. - Absolutely nothing.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20A gentleman's agreement...
0:04:20 > 0:04:22not to sell the shares.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24But Vince Cable insists he wasn't conned
0:04:24 > 0:04:26and it was a very good deal for the taxpayer
0:04:26 > 0:04:29and, what's more, he's just inherited a million pounds
0:04:29 > 0:04:31from a relative in Nigeria!
0:04:32 > 0:04:35What are the chances of that?!
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Who specifically benefited from the sell-off?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40- Edith Clarke.- That's a good one.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41No, it's not Edith.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- Not Edith?!- Elaine Jenkins.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- Not Elaine.- If Edith's not involved, Elaine won't go near it.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51One of the world's biggest hedge funds made 36 million
0:04:51 > 0:04:53on the share deal - Lansdowne Partners,
0:04:53 > 0:04:57where a Mr Peter Davies is on the management committee,
0:04:57 > 0:05:01who was also George Osborne's best man!
0:05:01 > 0:05:02No(!)
0:05:03 > 0:05:06It's a small world, isn't it(?)
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Now, Sadiq, you voted in parliament
0:05:10 > 0:05:12to close a lot of post offices, didn't you?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Yeah.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20What was happening, Jennifer, was people discovered this thing
0:05:20 > 0:05:24that Richard was talking about called the World Wide Web and e-mail,
0:05:24 > 0:05:27- and they were using stamps less, so we tried...- Yeah...
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Those post offices that were not used as much...
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- Keep going.- ..closed down,
0:05:32 > 0:05:34but keep open those ones that were being used
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- and give them more business... - (For hardworking people.)
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- RICHARD: You're not having that, are you?- Nah!
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- SADIQ: Can we edit THAT, by the way? - I only said it to wind him up.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46- I'm not actually interested in the answer.- Good, Jennifer.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Can you name me another Conservative politician
0:05:51 > 0:05:53who's made a few quid recently?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55- BELL RINGS - Tony Blair.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- You don't have to buzz! - Maria Miller!
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Yes!
0:05:59 > 0:06:00You've got it! Tell me about her.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02She was somebody who claimed for a second home
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- when she probably shouldn't have.- Yes.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06What do you mean "probably"?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08She's on the other side!
0:06:08 > 0:06:11She was in a little bit of trouble, Maria Miller, for claiming
0:06:11 > 0:06:14£90,000 expenses on a second home which she then sold for
0:06:14 > 0:06:17a million pounds profit. What's so bad about that?
0:06:17 > 0:06:18Don't understand.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21She was claiming mortgage interest payments,
0:06:21 > 0:06:25but when the interest rate dropped, she kept claiming at the same rate.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27He parents were living in it...
0:06:27 > 0:06:29and she still claimed it was a second home,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31even though her parents were in it.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35But I now have to say, The Commons Standards Committee
0:06:35 > 0:06:40have ordered her to repay £5,800 and apologise to MPs.
0:06:40 > 0:06:45They also said her attitude breached MPs' code of conduct.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49That must be going some.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Her attitude.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Well, her attitude was not to answer the question.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56And when it was said, you know,
0:06:56 > 0:06:59"Can you turn up the financial details?", she prevaricated,
0:06:59 > 0:07:02avoided the question and refused to answer directly.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04This is the Culture Secretary,
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- who's going to tell the press how to behave.- Yes.- Oh, yes!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12So, yes, this is Vince Cable who, when selling the Royal Mail,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15undervalued it by around two billion pounds!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18In the run up to the sell-off, the government released its
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Royal Mail Myth-busters factsheet
0:07:20 > 0:07:22which helpfully reassured people...
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Although, according to the recently released
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Royal Mail Myth-busters Factsheet Myth-busters factsheet,
0:07:32 > 0:07:33that's bollocks.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Paul and Richard, take a look at this.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Vegetables. We need to eat more greens. Oh, look at him.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45I'm not sure who's eating who there.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Vegetables are very good for you.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50You must have seven vegetables a day, rather than five.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Although, it's a struggle for most.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54I don't understand who was eating five portions a day,
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- how's anyone got time to eat seven? - I know.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Broccoli! How long does broccoli take to eat.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Exactly.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02It's better if you cook it.
0:08:02 > 0:08:07That man...that you just showed, that was me.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Erm...
0:08:08 > 0:08:11As you can tell from my fantastic physique,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- I've been training for the marathon this year.- Oh.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16It's Snickers now. Come on.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- OK.- I'm now doing five a day.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21- Are you?- Yeah, miles.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- Hmm.- And fruit as well.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26I was really offended by the joke about...
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Eric Pickles that you retweeted.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Which joke was that?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Can I just say, no person should ever have to apologise to Eric Pickles
0:08:36 > 0:08:39more than once in their lifetime, so I'm not talking about it.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43- Right. OK, I will then. Erm... - LAUGHTER
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Because he's running the marathon, his good friend Neil Kinnock sent
0:08:46 > 0:08:48you a personal tweet, didn't he?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Saying, "I hope you take Eric Pickles along
0:08:51 > 0:08:55- "and then we'll have a by-election." - AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:08:55 > 0:08:57I know. It's sick, isn't it?
0:08:57 > 0:09:02- Eric, if you're watching, I apologise again.- Oh, well done, sir.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04And put the remote control down.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Just walk to the telly and come back. Put it down. Start now!
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Big fatty.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13So during the study at University College London,
0:09:13 > 0:09:16what happened to people who ate at least seven portions
0:09:16 > 0:09:21- of fruit and vegetables a day for 12 years?- They didn't die.- Yes.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24The people who were made to eat seven portions
0:09:24 > 0:09:26of fruit and vegetables were 42% less likely to die,
0:09:26 > 0:09:28no matter how much they wanted to.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35What's the Australian government's advice regarding fruit and veg?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37- AUSSIE ACCENT:- Ah, eat what you like.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42We're great at cricket. Don't matter.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46They recommend eating two portions of fruit and FIVE of vegetables.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Netherlands say two portions twice a day,
0:09:49 > 0:09:51which actually, Netherlands, is four.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- That's like...- This has turned into the Eurovision Song Contest.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02Some experts have suggested that we eat ten portions a day.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05How have readers of the Daily Telegraph
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- been reacting to that news? - Calmly.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11They don't seen too enthusiastic.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Keith Moore of Suffolk writes...
0:10:20 > 0:10:23That's the spirit, Keith.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26That's brilliant. A bit of realism.
0:10:26 > 0:10:31Meanwhile, what does George Osborne do for just two days a week?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- Chancellor.- Take elocution lessons.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38He's on this diet that everyone's on.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42You eat for five days, and then for two days you
0:10:42 > 0:10:44legislate to stop other people eating.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49You fast for two days and it does, in fact, seem to be working.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50There he is.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Meanwhile, Eric Pickles went on a no chips, no cheese diet
0:10:53 > 0:10:56a couple of years ago. Here he is before...
0:10:57 > 0:10:59..and here's what he looked like after.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02LAUGHTER
0:11:02 > 0:11:05He's got the menu with him.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07APPLAUSE
0:11:08 > 0:11:12Meanwhile, a study in the European Journal of Clinical Nutrition
0:11:12 > 0:11:14suggests that the best way to lose weight
0:11:14 > 0:11:16is to eat like our ancient cavemen ancestors,
0:11:16 > 0:11:20a story which the Telegraph chose to illustrate with this.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Yes, it's a picture of Raquel Welch in One Million Years BC,
0:11:28 > 0:11:32giving Telegraph readers two of their five melons a day.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37So, Ian and Sadiq, here's another for you.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- Future Prime Minister.- Where?
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Oh, her? Yeah.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Well, this is Ed Miliband advertising for a media person,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51which is what politicians sometimes do.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55But his critics... I'm just being devil's advocate here...
0:11:56 > 0:11:59..are saying he's a bit desperate, advertising for someone to
0:11:59 > 0:12:02help with his broadcasting image now.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06I think he doesn't need somebody to help him. Clearly, it's important...
0:12:06 > 0:12:08The Government's not creating jobs, so we should create more
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- ourselves.- So that's one.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17What's important, Ian, is we advertise for these sorts of jobs
0:12:17 > 0:12:20properly, rather than text LOLs here and there.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23No. I accept your point that the Tories are the Tories,
0:12:23 > 0:12:25and therefore evil.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30But there was this poll saying that he was a bit weird. Erm...
0:12:30 > 0:12:32and that the public weren't going to vote for him.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Is that a problem for the Labour Party?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Moving towards coming third to UKIP?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- What's important is that we move forward...- Good.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44..and we make sure that we have the right tools
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- at our disposal to make sure... - Tools.- Yeah.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- APPLAUSE - I just said...
0:12:54 > 0:12:56- He had a good joke...- Did he?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- ..about the Royal Mail sell-off. - Oh, yeah?
0:12:58 > 0:13:01He said that Cameron wasn't the wolf of Wall Street -
0:13:01 > 0:13:04he was the dunce of Downing Street.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Shoo!
0:13:06 > 0:13:10- I don't know if you rate that. - He writes all his own stuff.- Yeah.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13I think we sort of knew that. Erm...
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Whoever gets the job with Ed will
0:13:18 > 0:13:20also be overseeing all visual images.
0:13:20 > 0:13:25Basically, it's to stop pictures appearing of him looking stupid...
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- like these. - LAUGHTER
0:13:36 > 0:13:38That's to get the Mexican vote.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Anyone remember Gordon Brown hiring someone to do
0:13:41 > 0:13:43this at the end of his time as Prime Minister?
0:13:43 > 0:13:48Yes, there was all the sort of grinning. The...sort of stuff.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51It looked like he'd been given a small electric shock.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55- Anyone remember the name of whoever it was?- No.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57- Nicola Burdett, she was called.- No.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00She had a specific brief to try and stop embarrassing photos
0:14:00 > 0:14:03being taken of Gordon.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- He was at a school and I think it was a project.- Yes.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I don't think it was a local headquarters or...
0:14:22 > 0:14:24It wasn't at home with Nigel Farage.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Ed did an odd thing on television the other day.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30He appeared to sniff the woman sitting next to him...
0:14:33 > 0:14:35..on ITV's show The Agenda.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Cos I would love to see you back in power,
0:14:38 > 0:14:41but what I would love you to do is to take risks...
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Can anyone show me what this chart shows?
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Amount of friends on trial at the moment.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57LAUGHTER
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Is it body temperature?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01LAUGHTER
0:15:06 > 0:15:10It's a percentage of people who think leaders are weird
0:15:10 > 0:15:12or very weird.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Now, if Ed's looking for pointers,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17here's some strong, confident broadcasting
0:15:17 > 0:15:20from a Republican candidate in the US.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21I'm Joni Ernst.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24I grew up castrating hogs on an Iowa farm.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26So when I get to Washington,
0:15:26 > 0:15:28I'll know how to cut pork.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29HOG SQUEALS
0:15:29 > 0:15:33LAUGHTER
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Was she allowed to castrate hogs
0:15:35 > 0:15:38or was it something she just did out of sheer malice?
0:15:38 > 0:15:41She just went to the nearest hog farm, "I'll have them. Hey-hey!"
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- I have one question about her. - Only one?- Mm.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Is she married?
0:15:48 > 0:15:52Paul and Richard, here's another for you.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Ah, this, of course, is the flag of the European Union, we know that.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Ah, yes, Nigel Farage and he's on his way to a public ceremony -
0:15:59 > 0:16:01gays are allowed to get married since Sunday.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04It's fantastic, really good news, brilliant,
0:16:04 > 0:16:07and this couple here amongst the first to actually say the rites
0:16:07 > 0:16:09and now they're husband and husband.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11- Fantastic news.- Aww, it's lovely. - It's a lovely story.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14A lot of people think it won't last but I'm all for it.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16They've had a couple of arguments, a couple of them in public,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19but they'll get together as a couple and they'll be absolutely fine.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23I think it's the story about Nick Clegg and Nigel Farage
0:16:23 > 0:16:25having a TV debate.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28I quite enjoyed the debate and I think cos of the way I watched it
0:16:28 > 0:16:31because I didn't watch the pictures, I just had the audio,
0:16:31 > 0:16:33so I just had the audio and then I turned the volume right down
0:16:33 > 0:16:35and I genuinely enjoyed it.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Well, it's slightly odd. You're the Deputy Prime Minister
0:16:40 > 0:16:41and you're taking on, on live television,
0:16:41 > 0:16:44a man who hasn't got one MP.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46- And he wins.- Mm.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49You know, this is supposed to be equal status.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Apparently, Clegg told Farage...
0:16:53 > 0:16:55..to which Farage replied...
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Now, Nick had some zingers of his own. Did anyone catch any?
0:17:01 > 0:17:05There's one saying, "Next, Mr Farage, you'll be telling us that
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- "there's a man on the moon and Elvis is still alive."- Yeah.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Nick Clegg did a whole thing about Nigel Farage's mum.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Did about five minutes about it.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15That's right, yeah.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19This is the fascinating battle between a political outsider
0:17:19 > 0:17:21with crackpot ideas about Europe
0:17:21 > 0:17:23and Nigel Farage.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26After the debate, Farage was told that the polls gave him
0:17:26 > 0:17:28a high approval rating...
0:17:28 > 0:17:30to which he replied, "That's very kind of them.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33"There's still far too many of them over here."
0:17:35 > 0:17:38And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin quiz.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46- Yes?- The new set of stamps.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50- BUZZER - Yes?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Is it Nigel Farage's nightmare?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58This is the news that new computer software
0:17:58 > 0:18:02recognised 21 distinct facial expressions
0:18:02 > 0:18:05when before it was thought we only had six.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Ohio State University have discovered that
0:18:08 > 0:18:10as well as common facial expressions
0:18:10 > 0:18:13such as happy, sad, etc...
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I love etc, I can always do etc.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Um, there...
0:18:20 > 0:18:25There are compound emotions such as fearfully angry
0:18:25 > 0:18:27which looks like this...
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Has she just come back from the hairdresser's?
0:18:30 > 0:18:32All right, what do you think this one is?
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Is it, "Oh, my God, where are my teeth?"
0:18:37 > 0:18:40No, this woman is sadly surprised.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44Right, now, Ian, I'd like you to demonstrate some of them for me.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Here are three expressions...
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- This one's embarrassedly apprehensive.- No, wait.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55These are three expressions you often use,
0:18:55 > 0:18:57so please show me disgusted.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02LAUGHTER
0:19:02 > 0:19:03Angrily disgusted.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05This is the Telegraph.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09And then disgustedly surprised.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13LAUGHTER
0:19:15 > 0:19:19APPLAUSE
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- And, Paul...- Oh, yes, go on, then.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Yeah, I'd like you to go from happy...
0:19:24 > 0:19:26..to happily surprised.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Wait, there's a third!
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Fearfully disgusted.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39LAUGHTER
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Now, according to the Mail...
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Who won on points?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I don't know.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48You did a whole black and white film at the end.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Silent.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54According to the Mail, we reserve sadly angry
0:19:54 > 0:19:56for when someone we care about upsets us.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Sadiq, would you show us your face
0:19:58 > 0:20:00whenever Ed Miliband opens his mouth?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07- It's really unfair. - It's gone too far now.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I'm sorry. Gone too far.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13He's been doing broadly supportive for about an hour.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Fingers on the buzzers, teams.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27- Ian?- Is that the killer smog?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Yeah, got to be.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32In fact, the Daily Mirror says it's...
0:20:33 > 0:20:35..which sounds pretty bad
0:20:35 > 0:20:38while The Sun asks the question...
0:20:38 > 0:20:39and gives the answer...
0:20:42 > 0:20:44What has caused these dust clouds, please?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Pollution from Europe and sand from the Sahara.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51The weather conditions have been such that the wind hasn't moved much,
0:20:51 > 0:20:53it's been very still and so this is pollution.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Apparently, it's not our pollution at all.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59I think you're being a touch Farage-y because I did read that...
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- "A touch Farage-y." - That's what that look is.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:14 > 0:21:17There's a certain amount of our pollution here and...
0:21:17 > 0:21:20I mentioned that, you great twit!
0:21:20 > 0:21:22No, you just said it was London, it's all of it.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- Oh, it's all of it, yeah.- Yeah.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Because we failed to hit the targets for the dreaded EU clean air act.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Cameron said it's unacceptable...
0:21:30 > 0:21:32as of this morning.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35This is the smog caused by sand from the Sahara.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39One environmental expert went as far as to say...
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Nice try, Charles.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48According to The Sun,
0:21:48 > 0:21:52one resident described street scenes in Southend as...
0:21:55 > 0:21:57And then the smog descended.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03One between you this week. Fingers on buzzers.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Your four are...
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Liza Minelli,
0:22:06 > 0:22:07the birth rate in Denmark,
0:22:07 > 0:22:09a cash machine in Nottingham
0:22:09 > 0:22:11and the Turkish Prime Minster's voice.
0:22:11 > 0:22:17SADIQ: I think the Turkish Prime Minister, Erdogan, lost his voice.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20- RICHARD: I'm not surprised the way he flosses, look.- Yeah, dreadful.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23LAUGHTER
0:22:23 > 0:22:28- SADIQ: In Denmark the birth rate's gone down. It's low.- Yeah.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Erm, Liza Minelli.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Has she lost her voice?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- No.- She was in that selfie photograph, wasn't she?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- The Hollywood...- The Oscars selfie one.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38- The most-tweeted picture ever.- Yeah.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- And she's at the back.- She's at the back. She can't be seen,
0:22:41 > 0:22:43but she's there. So she's too low.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45- So the birth rate is low.- Mm-hm.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Now, his voice, I don't know the Turkish Prime Minister,
0:22:48 > 0:22:51but maybe his voice is high. Maybe he's had his voice lowered.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54The cashpoint machine in Nottingham was on the wall too high,
0:22:54 > 0:22:57so the wall should have been lower and she should have been higher.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01- You're so close.- SADIQ: We think the cash machine was too low,
0:23:01 > 0:23:03- just like Liza Minnelli. - You are so close!
0:23:03 > 0:23:07- The odd one out is the Turkish Prime Minister.- It is, but why?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- He's high.- Ian's got it. They are all too low,
0:23:10 > 0:23:13apart from the voice of the Turkish Prime Minister,
0:23:13 > 0:23:15which was too high.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19Last week, the Turkish Prime Minister, Recep Erdogan,
0:23:19 > 0:23:22gave a campaign speech in which his voice rose
0:23:22 > 0:23:25to an inexplicably high pitch.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Here's how he usually sounds...
0:23:29 > 0:23:32HE SPEAKS TURKISH AT NORMAL PITCH
0:23:34 > 0:23:36And here's what happened
0:23:36 > 0:23:39and, honestly, we haven't tampered with the audio.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43HE SPEAKS IN VERY HIGH-PITCHED VOICE
0:23:53 > 0:23:56He's clearly doing an impression of something.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58In truth, he had a sore throat
0:23:58 > 0:24:01and had to be voiced by Sarah Millican.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04The cash machine in Nottingham. Yes, this cash machine
0:24:04 > 0:24:07was outside a supermarket and it made the news this week
0:24:07 > 0:24:10for being just 15 inches off the ground, and here it is.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17That's like me with a normal cash machine, if I'm honest.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Obviously, the first thing you need to do is check your balance,
0:24:20 > 0:24:22otherwise you'll fall over.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28- Liza Minnelli...- Yeah.- She was too short to get into the back
0:24:28 > 0:24:32- of a group selfie taken at this year's Oscars...- I didn't know that.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35There's the selfie, and here's the view behind.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- There she is! - AUDIENCE: Aw...
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Liza with a Z...but no ladder.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43There we go.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Aw. I haven't seen an actress cut out of a photo like that
0:24:46 > 0:24:50since Chris Martin started going through his holiday snaps.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55And it's time now for the Missing Words round, which this week
0:24:55 > 0:25:00features, as its guest publication, Your Chickens.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Very wisely, the issues aren't numbered
0:25:02 > 0:25:07because, as we know, it's best not to count your chickens.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08And we start with...
0:25:11 > 0:25:13What?
0:25:13 > 0:25:17RICHARD: If you think that's bad, I used to be called Sandra Herpes.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Sandra Clapp asks...
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- Aw, poor Sandra.- Next.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32SADIQ: This shower of Government have run out of ideas
0:25:32 > 0:25:35and don't know what to put in the Queen's Speech.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38RICHARD: Because Colin Firth is still refusing to play the part.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40The answer is...
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Yeah! Sadiq said that! He said that!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Right, next.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51- What?- Seeks similar.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Good sense of humour essential.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Is it, ironically catches fire?
0:25:59 > 0:26:02The crisps in question were actually Walkers crisps.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06I thought they were Frazzles!
0:26:06 > 0:26:07They are now.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11Fire crews were alerted after the sound of fire was picked up
0:26:11 > 0:26:14by a powerful listening device -
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Gary Lineker's ears.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18And finally...
0:26:22 > 0:26:24RICHARD: Liza Minnelli?
0:26:24 > 0:26:27JENNIFER CHUCKLES
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Boris Johnson!
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Think chicken.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Oh, um.. No, I can't say that.
0:26:36 > 0:26:37The answer is...
0:26:40 > 0:26:43This is the cockerel who managed to hide himself amongst
0:26:43 > 0:26:46a group of hens without being discovered.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50The cockerel now lives under the watchful eye of Claire MacDonald
0:26:50 > 0:26:53of a farm she presumably inherited from her father...
0:26:54 > 0:26:56..Old.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00So the final scores are -
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Paul's team has six
0:27:03 > 0:27:04and Ian's team has 10.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06APPLAUSE
0:27:09 > 0:27:13But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16RICHARD: If anyone knows of any just impediment or unlawful porpoise...
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Next.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28- AS PRINCE PHILIP: - What the fuck's this?!
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Not remotely witty at all. I do apologise.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40And also, I don't think the Pope would say that.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44On which note we say thank you to our panellists...
0:27:44 > 0:27:46- Is that it?!- Yes, it is.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50..Ian Hislop and Sadiq Khan, Paul Merton and Richard Osman.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54I leave you with news that, in Los Angeles, a leading cosmetic surgeon
0:27:54 > 0:27:57takes delivery of Jennifer Lopez's new buttock implants.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04In Kuala Lumpur, the Malaysian military admit
0:28:04 > 0:28:05their initial attempts to find the
0:28:05 > 0:28:07missing plane were somewhat substandard.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15And the hidden camera captures the scene below Richard Osman's
0:28:15 > 0:28:17desk in the Pointless studio.
0:28:22 > 0:28:28- Good night. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE