0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:24 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42I'm Stephen Mangan, and in the news this week,
0:00:42 > 0:00:43at the NUT headquarters,
0:00:43 > 0:00:45as Michael Gove gets stuck in a lift,
0:00:45 > 0:00:49he's reassured it'll be repaired in no time...
0:00:57 > 0:01:01..secret footage shows the truth about how Lidl make their salad...
0:01:10 > 0:01:14..and in Kent, some UKIP supporters are hypnotised
0:01:14 > 0:01:16and told to kill the Prime Minister.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22NIGEL: That's a bit rich!
0:01:22 > 0:01:25On Paul's team tonight is the leader of UKIP,
0:01:25 > 0:01:29who was recently interviewed in his Mayfair office by Alastair Campbell,
0:01:29 > 0:01:32thus giving the sniper across the street with one bullet
0:01:32 > 0:01:34a terrible dilemma.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Please welcome Nigel Farage.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Thank you.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44And with Ian tonight,
0:01:44 > 0:01:46bringing our percentage of women on the show
0:01:46 > 0:01:49to well above that of the coalition Cabinet,
0:01:49 > 0:01:51it's comedian Roisin Conaty.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Ian and Roisin, have a look at this.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06Oh, this is Maria Miller. She's gone, going into a house, not hers.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Oh, she's changed her outfit.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11There's another house. That's probably hers.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Oh, and it's a duck house. That's where she put her parents to live.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17LAUGHTER
0:02:17 > 0:02:20No, he doesn't think that's funny either.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- She's resigned. - She's resigned! She's gone.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27She said it was because she'd brought in gay marriage
0:02:27 > 0:02:29and the evil press were out to get her.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31But, you know, that's unfair, cos...
0:02:31 > 0:02:34We were. Er...
0:02:34 > 0:02:37But she did actually threaten the Telegraph when they brought it up.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39One of her assistants said,
0:02:39 > 0:02:41"My boss is in charge of Leveson and press behaviour."
0:02:41 > 0:02:43The reason she went is the public are furious.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45They've had enough of MPs claiming expenses
0:02:45 > 0:02:47and it's very damaging for everyone, isn't it, Nigel?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Nigel, what do you think about her resigning?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54On the basis she doesn't even know where she lives,
0:02:54 > 0:02:56I wouldn't have thought she's fit to be in the Cabinet, would you?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I'd say good riddance, frankly.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01I think it's absolutely disgusting, all these elected politicians
0:03:01 > 0:03:04using all these expenses to better themselves.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05It's disgraceful, isn't it, Ian?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08It's absolutely disgraceful, Mr Kettle.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14So why was Cameron so reluctant to get rid of her?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16He didn't want to look weak,
0:03:16 > 0:03:18he didn't want to lose one of the women in his Cabinet
0:03:18 > 0:03:21and he doesn't like being told what to do.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23And he's indecisive.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24And he's hopeless.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27It's not like the real world, is it?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30She's lost her job but she's just gone to the back benches,
0:03:30 > 0:03:31so it's not like...
0:03:31 > 0:03:33It's like school - she had to stand up and say,
0:03:33 > 0:03:37"Sorry for my attitude," and then got told to sit at the back of the class.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39She was a woman who went to a comprehensive,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42so he's done pretty well to communicate with her up till now.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46In her resignation, she apologised.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- She said she was leaving because she'd become a "distraction".- Yes.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Cats in tights on the internet are a distraction.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58The press kept commissioning opinion polls,
0:03:58 > 0:04:01all which said she should quit.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04This is something David Cameron had actually told his MPs
0:04:04 > 0:04:07to think about when the expenses scandal broke in 2009...
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Well, Dave, it looks a bit like this...
0:04:21 > 0:04:23And Sky News weren't to be left out.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27They conducted its very own scientific survey of MPs.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28Did you see this?
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Two people think she should be sacked, one thinks no,
0:04:32 > 0:04:3413 - no comment.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- It's not a very big poll, is it?- No. - It's barely a quiz.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- Is that a PLO scarf she's wearing? - It is, actually, yeah.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Who's replaced Maria Miller?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- Sajid...- Sajid Javid.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53- What you said.- That's it.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54He's completely different.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57He used to work for a merchant bank.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58Yeah.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Didn't he take over within three hours?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05If you can leave your job within three hours,
0:05:05 > 0:05:08your job probably isn't really worth anything.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Three hours?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13It took me two interviews to get a job in Woolworths.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Yeah, but that's a proper job.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- Yeah, exactly.- It's harder now they've gone bankrupt.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Much harder.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Maria Miller's resignation attracted the usual bunch of rent-a-quotes...
0:05:30 > 0:05:32That was Nigel Farage.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35The same Nigel Farage who, in 2009, revealed that as an MEP,
0:05:35 > 0:05:38he'd claimed, in expenses...
0:05:41 > 0:05:43AUDIENCE BOOS
0:05:43 > 0:05:47And who was it that brought up the issue of £2 million and me
0:05:47 > 0:05:49and taxpayers' money?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- Denis MacShane.- Yeah, he's in jail, but you're not.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56- Yes, I had noticed that.- Good. Erm...
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Yes, well, as a tax-funded MEP,
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Nigel Farage is an equal opportunities employer.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Some of our money has gone to his wife
0:06:02 > 0:06:04and some to his mistress.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Erm, I think that is "allegedly", don't you?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09I think that is "allegedly".
0:06:09 > 0:06:11We can set the record straight right now.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14I think you ought to say "allegedly", quite honestly.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Can I say, as a member of the press,
0:06:16 > 0:06:19I think actors really are in need of a royal charter.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I mean, that sort of allegation is pretty distressing.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Is it true?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29- No, afraid not.- Not true at all.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31- Not true at all. - Any of the good bits?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36LAUGHTER Well, that's...
0:06:36 > 0:06:37There are good bits?!
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- I'll tell you afterwards.- Right.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- HE MOUTHS SILENTLY - Let's have a look, shall we,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45at some of those revelations.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Here is Nikki Sinclaire, a former UKIP MEP,
0:06:48 > 0:06:51now representing the We Demand A Referendum Party
0:06:51 > 0:06:53in the European Parliament.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Take a close look at the reaction of the translator
0:06:55 > 0:06:58in the bottom left corner of the screen.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Does Mr Farage think it's a fair use of taxpayers' money,
0:07:01 > 0:07:06namely his secretarial allowance, not only to employ his wife, Kirsten,
0:07:06 > 0:07:09but his former mistress, Annabelle Fuller?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Is this a responsible use of taxpayers' money, Mr Farage?
0:07:15 > 0:07:16I would just say this to you, Chairman -
0:07:16 > 0:07:19this is somebody who hid under the cloak of parliamentary privilege
0:07:19 > 0:07:22to make those comments and, when asked to repeat them publically,
0:07:22 > 0:07:23refused to do so.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Quite funny, though.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31David Cameron was very rude about your people, wasn't he, Nigel?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Oh, he always is. He can't help himself.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- Fruitcakes?- Fruitcakes and loonies. - And loonies, and worse.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- He said worse than that. - He did.- Extremists.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41- Extremists?- Yeah.- Shocking(!)
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- Well, I think it's time... - LAUGHTER
0:07:45 > 0:07:48I think it's time for a game of Fruitcake or Loony?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53OK, everyone, fingers on your buzzers.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56I'll show you some UKIP party members.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59You have to buzz in and tell me whether they're a fruitcake...
0:08:00 > 0:08:01..or a loony.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Here's the first one.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14- NIGEL: I don't know who he is.- Ian.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- I'm just guessing. Fruitcake. - I'm afraid that's the wrong answer.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20He's a loony.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24He's a would-be UKIP counsellor and loony John Sullivan, who wrote...
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Which is quite right, Mr Sullivan, and that's why you'll never see
0:08:34 > 0:08:35a gay man down the gym.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42APPLAUSE
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Fingers on buzzers. Here's your next one.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48BUZZER
0:08:48 > 0:08:50- Nigel Farage, UKIP party.- Uh...
0:08:53 > 0:08:55This is a bit tricky this one.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Cos he's the treasurer of one of our biggest donors.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00I wouldn't really like to call Stuart Wheeler either.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04- I'll have to go for fruitcake. - Is the correct answer.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06He got it right.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Yes, this is UKIP party treasurer Stuart Wheeler
0:09:08 > 0:09:11and fruitcake who said that women have no place in the boardroom
0:09:11 > 0:09:13and couldn't compete with men at sports,
0:09:13 > 0:09:16even when they're not physically disadvantaged. He said...
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Final go, fruitcake or loony?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Don't know the chap.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38- No, anyone?- I'm going to go for loony.- Is the wrong answer.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40It's actually a trick question.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43He's not a fruitcake nor a loony, he's a closet racist.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51At a public meeting about Travellers he said...
0:09:55 > 0:09:59- His name is Rob Fraser. - Thanks for telling me.- There you go.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- UKIP supporter. - Nice chap, buys his round.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07So, back to Maria Miller.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Here's Sky News' Kay Burley getting some reactions.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14So, how has David Cameron come out of this?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Let's talk to two conservative MPs. Ben Harris-Quinney and Mark Wallace.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21It's very kind of you to promote me to being an MP
0:10:21 > 0:10:24but I haven't been elected by the people. I'm a mere humble blogger.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27I'm quite happy arguing on the internet about politics, thank you.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Do you like being an MP, Ben?
0:10:29 > 0:10:32- I'm not an MP either, I'm afraid.- Oh, OK.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39It's where the news happens second.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42You can't see the bottom half of Kay Burley there
0:10:42 > 0:10:45because she is busy kicking the researcher to death under her desk.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49All three of them are bald and playing a game of musical wigs.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57This is the resignation of Maria Miller,
0:10:57 > 0:11:00the Minister for Culture. Accepting Maria Miller's resignation,
0:11:00 > 0:11:02David Cameron praised her achievements including the fact
0:11:02 > 0:11:04that thanks to her many more people...
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Thus helping 180,000 of them
0:11:09 > 0:11:12to sign an online petition calling for her to quit.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17The only person to deliver a less credible apology this week
0:11:17 > 0:11:19was Oscar Pistorius.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Her replacement, Sajid Javid, is a rising star at the Treasury
0:11:26 > 0:11:30whose background as a former vice president at Chase Manhattan Bank
0:11:30 > 0:11:33and then head of Deutsche Bank's Global Credit Trading,
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Structured Finance and Securitisation in Asia
0:11:36 > 0:11:39makes him the perfect choice for Culture Secretary.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Paul and Nigel, take a look at this.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45This is New Zealand.
0:11:45 > 0:11:50This is the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and, oh...
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- NIGEL: What's he want to do with that?- I don't know.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- Bit disturbing, isn't it?- Is that the new baby? It is, I think.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Future King George.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00There was a piece in the paper about how much he looked like his father.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Which was considered newsworthy.
0:12:01 > 0:12:06- So, they've been to New Zealand. - It's good news for the royal family.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08It's nice, isn't it? It's good.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Bit of an exclusive, I think. A scoop.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16What the prince picked up was, in fact, a poisoned dart. Is that right?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18I don't know.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22- To prove that he's friend rather than foe.- I think that's right.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24And he had to maintain eye contact throughout.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Although those tattooed buttocks might have been
0:12:27 > 0:12:29a bit of a distraction. I'm not sure.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Were they distracting for you, Nigel?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Not personally.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36We are, Ian...
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- As you know, we're a very liberal-minded party.- Absolutely.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42I was going to suggest there's a gym nearby.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Flex your manifesto.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Yes, this is the visit of Wills and Kate to New Zealand.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- How did they begin their visit? - They got off a plane.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Is the right answer.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Local knowledge helped there.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04What did Prince George do for the first time in New Zealand?
0:13:04 > 0:13:09He waved. Yep, he's picked it up. Which is 90% of the job so...
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Yes, he had his first official engagement, meeting dignitaries
0:13:15 > 0:13:18including John Key, New Zealand's Prime Minister.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20According to the Daily Mail...
0:13:24 > 0:13:26..he made quite an impression on the baby.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Meanwhile in royal news back home, what's going on here?
0:13:32 > 0:13:37This is the first visit to England by an Irish President.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40That's him there. The little guy, Michael Higgins.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Rather overawed by where he is, I think.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47I mean, he is a funny little fellow. There's no two ways about it.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50My Irish cousins say the same so I'm trying not to be impolite.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53It's of great historical significance.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- Who did he bring with him? - McGuinness.- Martin McGuinness.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58He didn't technically bring him with him, did he?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00It makes it sound like it's his plus one.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05They had dinner and a lot of people complained saying,
0:14:05 > 0:14:09"What is Martin McGuinness doing at a dinner with the Queen?"
0:14:09 > 0:14:11- Eating.- Eating.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12- And toasting.- Yeah.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14- He toasted the Queen.- He did.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Which I thought the complaints rather missed the point.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Which is when you make a peace treaty you do it with people
0:14:20 > 0:14:22who don't like you very much.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25And better to have him in a white tie than in a black beret
0:14:25 > 0:14:28throwing things, really.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- What did the Queen wear to mark this occasion?- Balaclava?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37With the crown on top.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Make him feel at ease.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42Break the tension a little bit.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45"It's me!"
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Yes, as a reference to the Emerald Isle
0:14:49 > 0:14:52she wore the Grand Duchess Vladimir of Russia's tiara.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Which is decorated with emeralds.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58This is the visit of Wills and Kate to New Zealand.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01The Daily Mail devoted eight pages of photos of the Royal Prince.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Which is fair enough
0:15:03 > 0:15:05because nobody's ever seen a fucking baby before.
0:15:07 > 0:15:12APPLAUSE
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Back in the UK, the Queen hosted a state visit for the Irish President.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Controversially, they were joined at Windsor Castle by former
0:15:18 > 0:15:22IRA Commander Martin McGuinness for a sumptuous banquet.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Though the choice of dessert was perhaps a little insensitive.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27"Vanilla ice cream BOMBE."
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- And so to Round Two, the One Armed Bandit Of News.- Hurray!
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Fingers on buzzer, team, here's the first one.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43BUZZER
0:15:43 > 0:15:47George Bush has proved that he's got some paint and a brush.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51- And that's not too bad, I suppose. That's Tony Blair, I think.- Is it?
0:15:51 > 0:15:54I thought it was Putin.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58I think he does the one face, to be honest. That is Putin with hair.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01So, it's George Bush, he's become a painter.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- Now we know what he did with all that oil.- Yeah, exactly.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08He loves oil - painting, crude.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Baby?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Very little evidence for that.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Anyone know where this exhibition is being held?
0:16:17 > 0:16:19It's in his front room.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22It's at...
0:16:24 > 0:16:27It's the one without the queue.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Have a guess who the people he painted are supposed to be.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32First up, who's this?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- NIGEL: That's Vlad.- That is Vlad. Vladimir Putin.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38It looks like he's only paid 50% of the sunbed fee.
0:16:41 > 0:16:46A brown forehead in Russia is seen as a sign of weakness.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Who's this fella?
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- NIGEL: Silvio Berlusconi. - No, that's Bob Monkhouse.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Here's my favourite. It's Rafa Benitez.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03- Not really. That's Nouri al-Maliki, the Iraqi Prime Minister.- Yeah.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09His chin looks very close and his forehead looks very far away.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Sense of perspective always George's problem.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24It's quite sad. Clinton and Blair, they're still on the world stage
0:17:24 > 0:17:28and he's just painting people he used to know.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Sort of imagine him putting them all on chairs
0:17:30 > 0:17:33and sort of chatting to them.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Where might his pictures find a permanent home?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Landfill.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41They might end up in the Museum of Bad Art in Massachusetts.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Let's have a look at some of the exhibits.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46This is the "Mana Lisa."
0:17:48 > 0:17:50And here's one of the Obamas.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- Nigel, have you had your portrait done?- No.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57How would you describe your look?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- Ragged.- Ragged?- Mm.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Anyone else have a view on how Nigel looks?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Swivel-eyed.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Well, I think Defence Minister Anna Soubry described you best,
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Nigel, when she told viewers of Andrew Marr's programme:
0:18:23 > 0:18:24Wow!
0:18:24 > 0:18:26APPLAUSE
0:18:26 > 0:18:28That's what we expect.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37I get lonely.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42These are the paintings by former President George W Bush.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44His paintings were descried as...
0:18:45 > 0:18:47..by one art critic. As...
0:18:48 > 0:18:52..by another. But as "magnificent masterpieces worthy of Michelangelo"
0:18:52 > 0:18:54by Tony Blair.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Here's George Bush's portrait of Tony Blair.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01To be fair, it is quite a good likeness.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04The lies follow you round the room.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11BELL RINGS
0:19:11 > 0:19:15This is the most powerful number - seven.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Is that right? They did a survey. I must have read this somewhere.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21They have done a survey and seven is the world's favourite number.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- Ah, favourite number.- Yes.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27Alex Bellos asked 44,000 people to submit their favourite number
0:19:27 > 0:19:30and seven proved the most popular. He describes it as:
0:19:33 > 0:19:35"The Nigel Farage of the number world."
0:19:37 > 0:19:41- Shall we go through the top ten world's favourite numbers?- Yes.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Yeah.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47What's at number one? Number ten, sorry.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48So, number ten. What do you think?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50- Number nine is number ten.- No.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54- Number eight.- No.- Number ten's number ten.- No.- Number one.- No.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56All numbers are available.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Oh, 128.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02No, at number ten, the tenth most popular number is, in fact, 11.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- At nine.- It's ten.- No.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- 40.- No.- 21.- No.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13At number nine is the number two.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18The most popular number in eighth position is...six.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20The seventh most popular number is nine,
0:20:20 > 0:20:23and the sixth most popular number is 13.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26OK, here's the top five.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29PICK OF THE POPS THEME PLAYS
0:20:29 > 0:20:33This is going to be on Channel 4 for a whole evening.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35There will be some talking heads in a minute.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38"What do you think of six?" "Yeah, love it."
0:20:38 > 0:20:42"I've always liked five cos it's a working class number.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45"That's what I like about five.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47"I think that three, when I was first growing up, I thought
0:20:47 > 0:20:51"three was a magnificent..." Oh, sorry!
0:20:51 > 0:20:53I've started auditioning! Sorry.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57- Where am I?- Let's firstly complete the top five.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- At number five is five.- Brilliant.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- Number is four.- Yes!
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- And number three is...eight.- Oh!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07At number two...
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- One.- ..is three.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12And, of course, seven is the top one at number one.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14But the study did ask people
0:21:14 > 0:21:17to describe the numbers between one and ten.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Two was thought to be:
0:21:26 > 0:21:29How do you think three was described?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Nostalgic, sexy, unreliable.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Three is:
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Oh, God!
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Four, according to the people who responded to the survey, is:
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Yeah, this is absolute bollocks, isn't it?
0:21:46 > 0:21:50- Nigel...- Nigel Four-age.- Four-age.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- Ah. Dear.- Nigel, you were once given a can of 7 Up by your UKIP pals.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- I was, I remember that now. Yes.- Why was that?
0:21:58 > 0:22:02- I've forgotten the reason.- Oh. Well, luckily, I do know.- Oh, really?
0:22:02 > 0:22:06According to former Deputy Party Leader Mike Nattrass -
0:22:06 > 0:22:07is that how you say it?
0:22:07 > 0:22:10I'm trying to forget but go on.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12It was allegedly a prize for bedding a Latvian woman
0:22:12 > 0:22:14seven times in one night.
0:22:14 > 0:22:19That definitely, definitely is not true. I promise you.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21This is a study which found that
0:22:21 > 0:22:23the most popular favourite number is seven.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26According to the survey:
0:22:29 > 0:22:31So perhaps 110 should try harder next time.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33It needs to give, I don't know,
0:22:33 > 0:22:35a certain amount of percent more effort.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42One between you this week. Your four are:
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Gay marriage. Sheep.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46Alan Titchmarsh.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48And Noah.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Well, I think that given that UKIP
0:22:52 > 0:22:56is the butt of virtually every joke this evening,
0:22:56 > 0:23:00- er, there has to be...- Oh, that's unfair. Only in this studio!
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Very good.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Gay marriage. Do you remember all those gales we had,
0:23:06 > 0:23:10and all the rain and everything? I mean, it was bad weather!
0:23:10 > 0:23:13And I'm not saying that I agree with him, but, er...
0:23:13 > 0:23:16the UKIP chap said...
0:23:16 > 0:23:22that if we had gay marriage, we would get terrible weather events
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- of Biblical proportions.- Yeah.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Meaning floods.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Alan Titchmarsh was involved in a big row because people were digging up
0:23:31 > 0:23:34their lawns and building, you know, terraces and patios,
0:23:34 > 0:23:35and there was a big debate
0:23:35 > 0:23:39as to whether that was contributing towards floods or not.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41And the sheep thing, it was in Wales,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44which it always is with sheep, isn't it?
0:23:44 > 0:23:47And there's a chap who writes for the Guardian,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49called George Monbiot,
0:23:49 > 0:23:53and he says that sheep grazing all the hills
0:23:53 > 0:23:56and compacting all the soil, have led to floods.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59And Noah, of course, built a boat to avoid floods.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02So Noah's the odd one out because the others have all predicted
0:24:02 > 0:24:06how floods would come about and Noah sailed away on a flood.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Is the right answer.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09APPLAUSE
0:24:09 > 0:24:10- Well done.- Yeah.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14I knew it had to be. I mean...
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- had to be.- Yes, they've all been blamed for the flooding,
0:24:17 > 0:24:20apart from Noah, who wasn't. Having been spared
0:24:20 > 0:24:22from the floods due to his lack of wickedness,
0:24:22 > 0:24:24what did Noah do once the Ark had landed?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26He got drunk.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29- He did!- And he was punished by, er...
0:24:29 > 0:24:32much later, a film being made.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36With Russell Crowe playing him.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39With a sort of Irish/Hebrew accent.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Go on, give us a flavour of it.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44IMITATES CROWE AS NOAH:
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Where are those two elephants gone now?!
0:24:50 > 0:24:52APPLAUSE
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Very good.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Yes. What did the Queen say to Titchmarsh when he got his MBE?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01"Put that ashtray back!"
0:25:04 > 0:25:05According to Al, Her Majesty said:
0:25:09 > 0:25:13UKIP councillor David Silvester blamed the recent storms and floods
0:25:13 > 0:25:15on the Government's decision to legalise gay marriage.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17If David Silvester really knows his Bible,
0:25:17 > 0:25:21he'll also have read the Book of Exodus, where God threatens:
0:25:23 > 0:25:26And if there's one thing UKIP hates more than gays...
0:25:33 > 0:25:34That is quite funny.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:25:38 > 0:25:41which this week features as its guest publication
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Norfolk On My Mind.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46It's at the same time both free
0:25:46 > 0:25:48and overpriced.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51We start with:
0:25:56 > 0:25:57What?
0:25:57 > 0:26:00"Have you ever thought of tossing yourself off?"
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Max Miller lives!
0:26:07 > 0:26:11It is a Max Miller joke, absolutely. 1943.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16"They go quiet."
0:26:16 > 0:26:17Next:
0:26:20 > 0:26:21Optimism!
0:26:23 > 0:26:25People who've been to Norfolk.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30Given the theme of tonight, "UKIP voters", it could be, couldn't it?
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Close.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38APPLAUSE
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Scientists are searching for microbes in Yorkshire
0:26:42 > 0:26:43which they believe could show humans
0:26:43 > 0:26:45are descended from Martian life forms. Next:
0:26:48 > 0:26:50ROISIN: With her own faeces.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55The answer is:
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Finally:
0:27:04 > 0:27:07And now I can't put my trousers on or pronounce the letter W.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14"..to see where it hurt the most."
0:27:16 > 0:27:19This is Michael Smith's postgraduate study
0:27:19 > 0:27:22in which he deliberately provoked bees to sting him
0:27:22 > 0:27:24all over his body. He said:
0:27:32 > 0:27:35No-one's forcing you, you weirdo!
0:27:36 > 0:27:38So, the final scores are...
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Nigel and Paul have six points,
0:27:41 > 0:27:43but sneaking up and winning,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45it's Roisin and Ian with seven points!
0:27:45 > 0:27:47APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:53 > 0:27:55And I leave you with news that
0:27:55 > 0:27:58after a long, drunken night out with friends,
0:27:58 > 0:28:01William Hague tries to sneak back into the office...
0:28:06 > 0:28:09..in Westminster, as part of their induction course,
0:28:09 > 0:28:11the new batch of Conservative interns are send to find out
0:28:11 > 0:28:14how ordinary people travel to work...
0:28:18 > 0:28:20..and at a political gathering in Bournemouth,
0:28:20 > 0:28:22after desperately trying to find a toilet,
0:28:22 > 0:28:26Nick Clegg picks an opportune moment to urinate from a balcony.
0:28:30 > 0:28:31Good night.