0:00:28 > 0:00:31APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I'm Jeremy Clarkson.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45In the news this week, as delegates gather
0:00:45 > 0:00:49for the official G8 summit photo, there's speculation about
0:00:49 > 0:00:52how the Russians will react to being left out.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00News reaches St George's Hospital
0:01:00 > 0:01:04that health Minister Jeremy Hunt has got lockjaw.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17And as the Conservatives continue to poll badly outside
0:01:17 > 0:01:21the south-east, the government prepares to switch off the north.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31On Ian's team tonight is a German comedian who once did a show
0:01:31 > 0:01:34about the history of German humour.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37It was an hour long with a 58-minute interval.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Please welcome Henning Wehn.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42APPLAUSE
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Vielen Dank.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51And with Paul tonight is a columnist for the Sunday Times who, like me,
0:01:51 > 0:01:55is the rarest of creatures, a Murdoch journalist who isn't in court.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Please welcome Camilla Long.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01APPLAUSE
0:02:03 > 0:02:06And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Ian and Henning, take a look at this.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- Putin with a black halo. - A man very angry with a Russian flag.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Oh, look, it's Clarkson!
0:02:21 > 0:02:23"The boys go to the Ukraine."
0:02:29 > 0:02:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- THE Ukraine is racist.- Is it?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Which is why in Top Gear when we went to Ukraine,
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- all the "the"s were taken out. - Oh, really?
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Yes, so it sounded like we were all from Yorkshire, "We were going t'Ukraine."
0:02:49 > 0:02:54This is Putin and by the time this goes out there maybe a world war...
0:02:54 > 0:02:56declared, or it may be peace, what you reckon?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Well, it's essentially a civil war, isn't it?
0:02:58 > 0:03:02There's one part of the Soviet Union having a bit of an argy-bargy
0:03:02 > 0:03:04with another part of the Soviet Union.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07It's all even further east than Romania, so who cares?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09LAUGHTER
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Do you know, I don't think you've been over here long enough.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18For a start, it's not the Soviet Union any more.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20It's the Russian Federation.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Secondly, Ukraine is a sovereign state, it's not a civil war,
0:03:23 > 0:03:25it's a certain amount of agents provocateurs
0:03:25 > 0:03:27sent in by the Russians.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31- But apart from that, your analysis is terrific.- Thank you very much.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Yesterday, they had a breakthrough, didn't they, in Geneva?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- What have they agreed? - I have no idea.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40They're going to have tea in the mornings,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42followed by biscuits at 11.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44There's a diplomatic breakthrough on the news,
0:03:44 > 0:03:48- which everybody will be rejoicing and celebrating tomorrow.- Possibly.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51You are right, it is the worsening situation in the Ukraine.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I am a bit of an expert on this because I was there...
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- Did I just say THE Ukraine?- You did.
0:03:58 > 0:04:03- You're right, this is the worsening situation in...Ukraine.- Ukraine.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- I am a bit of an expert. - Did you drive there in car?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12I'm sorry, car means cock in Albanian.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15When will you learn to try and hold yourself back?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Car means cock in English as well, to be fair.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20LAUGHTER
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Some of them are automatic.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28According to the Guardian,
0:04:28 > 0:04:31the Ukrainian government is very worried about cities like...
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Them. So the UN is sending an emergency consignment of vowels.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43What have the West done about Russian aggression?
0:04:43 > 0:04:47- Nothing at all.- That's exactly right.- Threatened some sanctions.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48What's William Hague been saying?
0:04:48 > 0:04:52- T'Ukraine is what he's been saying. - He says...
0:05:03 > 0:05:06I wonder if he's talking about the European Rapid Reaction Force.
0:05:06 > 0:05:11Which I seem to recall he mentioned when I was on this show in 2003.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Have we got a clip of that?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14At a European mini-summit,
0:05:14 > 0:05:18ministers called for the creation of a European Rapid Reaction Force.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20So the next time there's a war to be fought,
0:05:20 > 0:05:23they can decide to do nothing even faster.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26The Rapid Reaction Force will consist of soldiers from Belgium, France
0:05:26 > 0:05:29and Luxembourg. Ooh, scary!
0:05:32 > 0:05:36See, that's the danger of doing this show, it comes back to bite you.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39When you're Foreign Secretary, we'll play it in.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45- Would you like to see what Prince William has been doing?- Yes.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47William went to an aircraft factory where he revealed
0:05:47 > 0:05:50his passion for flying despite having left the IRA.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Er, the RAF.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03He's the best sleeper they've ever had.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08This is the growing crisis in eastern Ukraine,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11or if you're watching the repeat, western Russia.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13According to the Daily Mail...
0:06:19 > 0:06:23Four? The entire air force? Are we mad?
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Paul and Camilla, take a look at this.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Right, yes, the Houses of Parliament obviously.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- Beer being served very quickly. - CAMILLA: Phwoar!
0:06:35 > 0:06:39It's the Palace of Sexminster, isn't it? It's the survey that said that
0:06:39 > 0:06:43a third of people get groped when they go into Westminster.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46A third of their person gets groped.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- A minimum.- The head and the knees are left alone.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52But the odd thing about that footage was the fact that there was
0:06:52 > 0:06:56a woman in the car, when I think it's mostly men who are being targeted.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Yes, 40% of all the men said
0:06:58 > 0:07:01they'd received unwanted sexual advances.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- Yes.- And 60% were quite pleased.
0:07:06 > 0:07:0933% said they had personally experience...
0:07:09 > 0:07:12What's the difference between sexual harassment and unwanted sexual advances?
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Why am I looking at you, Camilla? Why am I not looking at the men?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18I don't know why you're looking at any of us really.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22I think that probably counts as sexual harassment from you.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:27 > 0:07:30How did one Conservative MP react to the findings?
0:07:30 > 0:07:34"Would the Prime Minister please take his hand off my knee?"
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Did he say, "It never happened to me"?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40With bitterness and regret.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44He expressed the view that those who believe themselves to be
0:07:44 > 0:07:49victims of unwanted sexual advances should toughen up and grow a pair.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53And then presumably keep them well away from MPs.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57Who definitely ISN'T guilty of rape and sexual assault?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03It's comedy gold, this first round.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Nigel Evans.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Yes! There you go, I knew you'd know it.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09It is the Deputy Speaker, Nigel Evans -
0:08:09 > 0:08:13cleared of all charges at Preston Crown Court.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14His defence to one of the charges
0:08:14 > 0:08:16was that his conduct had simply been...
0:08:21 > 0:08:22It's quite surprising
0:08:22 > 0:08:25that that endears him back to the party, isn't it?
0:08:25 > 0:08:26Course, now everyone goes -
0:08:26 > 0:08:29"Oh, yeah, he was unfairly shafted", and...
0:08:33 > 0:08:36I think your English idiom needs a little...
0:08:38 > 0:08:39..brushing up.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41HENNING LAUGHS
0:08:44 > 0:08:47In alcohol and rudeness-related news - there we are -
0:08:47 > 0:08:51which pub caused a stir when it announced it was reopening
0:08:51 > 0:08:52after building work?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Is there a clue in "stir"?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57No - it was the Wig and Pen pub in Truro, Cornwall.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Let's have a look.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00HENNING: That was a scandal, that was.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Mostly lawyers going there.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13Yes, this is the sex-and-booze culture in Westminster.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Much of the inappropriate behaviour takes place in the...
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Though, as the old saying goes,
0:09:20 > 0:09:22"There's no such thing as a stranger,
0:09:22 > 0:09:24"just a researcher you haven't groped yet."
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Ian and Henning, here's another for you.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Ah, it's Nigel Farage.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33There he is - shaking hands with grannies.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34"Hello!" he says.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36And there's his headquarters.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37That's a barn in East Sussex.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39That's the Farage Mobile.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41And that's the expenses claims.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Expenses being chopped up - there he is, he's being arrested.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48"Will you come quietly?" "What do you think?"
0:09:48 > 0:09:51The entire British establishment, all the newspapers,
0:09:51 > 0:09:53is terrified at the thought of Farage winning.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57So they've conducted a story about £60,000 of expenses
0:09:57 > 0:10:00going into his own bank account which are unaccounted for.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Isn't that awful?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07If that actually is the worst they can come up with,
0:10:07 > 0:10:09that isn't much, really, is it?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11It would be more damage with his voters
0:10:11 > 0:10:14if they had a picture of him eating linguine.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19No?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21"What's he eating that foreign muck for?"
0:10:24 > 0:10:25CAMILLA: Didn't he argue
0:10:25 > 0:10:27that it wasn't actually expenses?
0:10:27 > 0:10:30It was a kind of pre-ordained allowance.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32What he says is that you get an allowance from Europe
0:10:32 > 0:10:34and you can do with it whatever you like.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36They say the one thing you can't do with it
0:10:36 > 0:10:38is fund yourself to go around the country
0:10:38 > 0:10:39saying, "Isn't Brussels rubbish?"
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Uh...they think that's taking the piss.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45You see the latest allegation concerning UKIP's finances?
0:10:45 > 0:10:49- Yeah - it was a much bigger amount, though, wasn't it?- Much bigger.
0:10:49 > 0:10:54£267,000 has gone missing from the party's coffers.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57A spokesman for UKIP's new Costa del Sol office
0:10:57 > 0:11:00said they had absolutely no idea where it had gone.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02That is funny that you mention it,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05because that was, again, published by the Times.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08I mean, I'm not the biggest fan of Nigel Farage or UKIP,
0:11:08 > 0:11:10even though they are, at least,
0:11:10 > 0:11:14implementing Otto von Bismarck's policy of isolating Britain, but...
0:11:17 > 0:11:20APPLAUSE
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Really, it all seems to be a campaign.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25So, any idea where this money might be?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27I haven't got it.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Truth is, nobody knows. Nobody knows.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Yes, this is Nigel Farage's latest attempt
0:11:36 > 0:11:38to convince us that he's a proper politician -
0:11:38 > 0:11:41suit, neat hair, questionable expenses claims.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42That should do it.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Meanwhile, a new survey found that...
0:11:50 > 0:11:52That's an astonishing statistic,
0:11:52 > 0:11:56cos it means that 7% of people DO know who their MEP is.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59Who are these weirdos?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Paul and Camilla, here's another for you.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Ah, yes, this is the hairdressing salon in Ealing
0:12:07 > 0:12:10which put up a picture of Kim Jong-un
0:12:10 > 0:12:13with his haircut, saying, "This is a bad hair day"
0:12:13 > 0:12:16and that's North Korea, seeing how close they are to Ealing.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20The North Korean embassy is only ten minutes away.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23And they noticed men in dark suits were taking notes outside.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27They went in and said, "Can you remove the image because it is disrespectful?"
0:12:27 > 0:12:29And the salon owner said, "No way! Get out!"
0:12:29 > 0:12:31And called the police.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33When a reporter from the Times rang the embassy to ask
0:12:33 > 0:12:36if it had actually made a criminal complaint about the poster,
0:12:36 > 0:12:38what answer did it get?
0:12:38 > 0:12:39They said no? Did they deny it?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41It's interesting - the man who answered it replied...
0:12:45 > 0:12:48We've got photos of embassies for you to get an idea
0:12:48 > 0:12:49of what embassies look like.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51This is the Mauritian embassy.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- Very grand.- Lovely.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54- Lithuanian embassy.- Yeah.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56And here is the North Korean embassy.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- HENNING: Good German car, though. - That semi-detached
0:13:02 > 0:13:05is the South Korean embassy next door, by any chance?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07They don't talk to each other, across a high fence?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10North Korean state television ran a five-part series recently
0:13:10 > 0:13:12to promote neat haircuts.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13It was called...
0:13:19 > 0:13:21It's a weird country, isn't it?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Very little escapes you, does it?
0:13:29 > 0:13:33Yeah, this is the latest escalation in tension between North Korea
0:13:33 > 0:13:35and a barber's shop in Ealing.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39The North Korean embassy is actually a semi-detached house.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42May not look much, but with off-street parking,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45it's actually worth more than the North Korean economy.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49APPLAUSE
0:13:49 > 0:13:52And so, to Round Two - the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00BUZZER
0:14:00 > 0:14:02This is a story about a commuter,
0:14:02 > 0:14:04on a rail line actually very near me,
0:14:04 > 0:14:05who comes up from Stonegate
0:14:05 > 0:14:10and, uh...he came up with the wheeze of avoiding paying his ticket
0:14:10 > 0:14:11and when he got to London,
0:14:11 > 0:14:15he just put his Oyster card and tapped it and then left -
0:14:15 > 0:14:16so instead of paying...
0:14:16 > 0:14:19It was £45,000 over five years,
0:14:19 > 0:14:21he paid, sort of, four.
0:14:21 > 0:14:26And he was caught and there's been a big scandal, locally,
0:14:26 > 0:14:30with everyone trying to work out who it is.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Cos he's got... He paid the money back so he could become anonymous,
0:14:33 > 0:14:35despite breaking the law.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38And it's in Stonegate, so it's known as Stonegate-gate.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41By being allowed to settle out of court,
0:14:41 > 0:14:43he did buy a level of anonymity
0:14:43 > 0:14:46normally reserved for winners of The Voice.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Are there no ticket inspectors on this line?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53You can...it's a very, very remote station,
0:14:53 > 0:14:56so you can slip in under the barrier -
0:14:56 > 0:14:57I understand.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Particularly high barrier, I mean,
0:15:03 > 0:15:04are there ticket inspectors on the train?
0:15:04 > 0:15:08- Are they on the train, that's what I'm saying, on the train?- Yeah.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- Um...- But they're not on the train? Clearly.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- No, I...- Have you seen a ticket inspector on the train?- No.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14Are you this man?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Look, it's not this bloke in the picture.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20That bloke in the picture's James Joyce!
0:15:22 > 0:15:25- You're absolutely right. - He's absolutely right.- Of course.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Britain's biggest fare-dodger had to repay £43,000 for fares he's dodged.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31What is an Oyster card?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33LAUGHTER
0:15:33 > 0:15:35You use them to get onto the chauffeur-driven vehicles,
0:15:35 > 0:15:38the big red chauffeur-driven vehicles...
0:15:38 > 0:15:40that you see going through London,
0:15:40 > 0:15:43you show the man your Oyster card and he salutes you, and...
0:15:43 > 0:15:44APPLAUSE
0:15:44 > 0:15:47This is Britain's biggest fare dodger.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49To be fair to the hedge fund manager,
0:15:49 > 0:15:52he did use his Oyster card every day, but only to top up
0:15:52 > 0:15:55lines of cocaine before blowing them up a prostitute's bottom.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Sorry, mate, you want to stay anonymous,
0:15:58 > 0:16:00we can libel you all we like.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Some angry passengers thought the fare dodger
0:16:04 > 0:16:06deserved a greater punishment,
0:16:06 > 0:16:10presumably by being forced to take a replacement bus service.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Others were more lenient, and thought he should be killed.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22BUZZER
0:16:22 > 0:16:24They've found the fare dodger.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27LAUGHTER
0:16:27 > 0:16:30I only pressed to say that, I've got no idea what the story is,
0:16:30 > 0:16:31it's an ostrich or an emu.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32- BUZZER - It isn't.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- It isn't?- No.- It's a rhea.- It is.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36It's an escaped rhea.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39They haven't found it because it's very, very quick.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41But is it in this country?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43- In this country, where is it, Oxfordshire?- Hertfordshire.
0:16:43 > 0:16:49Hertfordshire, someone keeps rheas, one of them escaped...
0:16:49 > 0:16:50There is a six-foot rhea
0:16:50 > 0:16:51on the loose in the Home Counties,
0:16:51 > 0:16:52and it can kill a man.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59- Have you any ideas how a rhea can kill a man?- Yeah, sarcasm.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05- Possibly.- "Call that a suit?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12"Who cuts your hair? Get it cut in Ealing, do you?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14What's that, a number four, number four, number four?"
0:17:16 > 0:17:18According to the Telegraph it has...
0:17:23 > 0:17:24Yes.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27The owner in question, Jo Clarke of Brent Pelham, Hertfordshire,
0:17:27 > 0:17:28she said...
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Now, now, I'm going to show you a picture, OK?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36And let's see if we can spot it.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40LAUGHTER
0:17:40 > 0:17:43It really is a master of disguise, isn't it?
0:17:43 > 0:17:46- Look at it.- There, it's disguised itself as a umbrella handle.
0:17:48 > 0:17:53I'll give a point to anyone who can accurately impersonate a rhea.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Now you've got to imagine that you've committed a crime
0:17:57 > 0:17:59and you're rather pleased with it.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Ian, you go first, what do you think, noise it makes?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03"Just saved myself 43 grand."
0:18:04 > 0:18:06No.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Paul.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10HE CACKLES EVILLY
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- Henning. - HE MUMBLES CONTENTEDLY
0:18:12 > 0:18:14LAUGHTER
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- Camilla. - SHE SQUAWKS
0:18:19 > 0:18:21What's this bit, he's got arthritis? What's going on?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Six-inch claws!
0:18:23 > 0:18:24"Where's the olive oil?"
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- Let us listen to see who is the closest.- Yeah.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31RHEA SQUAWKS
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- No, sorry... - It's not you, it's Paul, by a mile!
0:18:36 > 0:18:40- There's nothing, let's listen to it again.- OK.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42RHEA SQUAWKS
0:18:42 > 0:18:44I suppose the girl ones might sound like that,
0:18:44 > 0:18:46but I think Paul was pretty accurate.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Do you want to see footage of a rhea attacking a man?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Yes, please, let's have a go. To the death!
0:18:52 > 0:18:55You want to see how dangerous they are, with their claws
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- and their spiky teeth. Here we go.- Go on, kill! Blood!
0:18:59 > 0:19:01HENNING LAUGHS
0:19:04 > 0:19:07It's easy to confuse - and it's got lost.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Paul and Camilla, your four are...
0:19:15 > 0:19:18the fifth Olympic ring, Keith Moon,
0:19:18 > 0:19:21BBC Two and the Red Road flats.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23That Keith Moon picture on the tower block was originally
0:19:23 > 0:19:27what Angel of the North was going to look like.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29The fifth Olympic ring, it was part of a display
0:19:29 > 0:19:33and didn't light up, the tower blocks in Glasgow were going to
0:19:33 > 0:19:35blown up for the Commonwealth Games,
0:19:35 > 0:19:36but are now not going to be blown up.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38The opening night of BBC Two was cancelled,
0:19:38 > 0:19:42because it didn't work, transmitter broke down somewhere,
0:19:42 > 0:19:44so BBC Two night had to be the next night.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48So it's about things going wrong on the opening night, the ceremony.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51So the Russian thing went wrong, the BBC Two thing went wrong,
0:19:51 > 0:19:53the Tower Block thing didn't because that's not going to happen,
0:19:53 > 0:19:55don't know what the Keith Moon thing is,
0:19:55 > 0:19:57but I say the tower block thing is the odd one out.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00No. You were so right all the way through...
0:20:00 > 0:20:01I should have picked Keith Moon.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- No, it's not Keith Moon either. - Is it the tower blocks?
0:20:03 > 0:20:07- No.- Oh, it's BBC Two!- We've finally got there, absolutely right...
0:20:07 > 0:20:10What do you mean, he's absolutely right, he said the last one!
0:20:10 > 0:20:12LAUGHTER
0:20:12 > 0:20:15It's a process of deduction, Holmes.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19They've all failed to appear as part of an opening ceremony apart from
0:20:19 > 0:20:24BBC Two, which failed to appear at its own launch due to a power cut.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25The fifth Olympic ring,
0:20:25 > 0:20:27five snowflakes were supposed to turn into rings,
0:20:27 > 0:20:31but due to a technical hitch, it ended up looking like this.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33And how did the organisers
0:20:33 > 0:20:35poke fun at themselves in the closing ceremony?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38They did something with the fifth ring as well, didn't they?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40No, they annexed Crimea.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Keith Moon's management was contacted by the organisers
0:20:49 > 0:20:51of the London Olympics to see if he was available
0:20:51 > 0:20:55to perform at the opening ceremony, despite the drummer being dead.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59Does anyone know how The Who's manager responded?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Well, if he's any clever, he took the booking,
0:21:01 > 0:21:04had 50% of the money paid up front...
0:21:05 > 0:21:07He's going to be furious, according to Roger Daltrey,
0:21:07 > 0:21:10the manager sent London 2012 an e-mail saying...
0:21:22 > 0:21:24APPLAUSE
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Ian and Henning, here are yours.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30A motorist on the Autobahn travelling between Hamburg
0:21:30 > 0:21:32and the Danish border, a Ryanair pilot,
0:21:32 > 0:21:36tomato ketchup and traffic on the Isles of Scilly.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39They're all pointing in the same direction, that's what it is.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Three of them... HENNING: Oh, yeah.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- So the truck is the odd one out. - You know your OCD...
0:21:44 > 0:21:48- Yes.- ..has got nothing to do with the answer of this question.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52What do the Germans have no limit on?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Fun.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Is it motorway speed limit?
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- Woo, he's starting to edge now towards it.- Right, OK, so...
0:22:03 > 0:22:05- Come on.- Could the Ryanair planes go even slower?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08- Ketchup moves slower out of a bottle. - It just...- No?
0:22:08 > 0:22:11HENNING: The emptier the bottle is.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- Not if she's shaking it.- Yeah.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16The motorway is the odd one out because it has no speed restriction,
0:22:16 > 0:22:17- all the others do.- There you go.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20I just sit back and listen to what everybody else says
0:22:20 > 0:22:21and say the answer.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25- I've worked out how to get points in this programme.- Exactly!
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- What's the speed restriction on tomato ketchup?- Taken 25 years!
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- At last!- Yes... - APPLAUSE
0:22:30 > 0:22:32They've all had their speed restricted,
0:22:32 > 0:22:34apart from a motorist on the Autobahn
0:22:34 > 0:22:37travelling between Hamburg and the Danish border, who doesn't.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41What speed restriction does apply to a bottle of tomato ketchup?
0:22:41 > 0:22:42LAUGHTER
0:22:42 > 0:22:44This is from Heinz.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46"If Heinz tomato ketchup moves too fast,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49"it is not allowed to leave the factory."
0:22:50 > 0:22:52"It cannot travel at more than..."
0:22:55 > 0:22:57That's obviously an average speed, though - as we all know,
0:22:57 > 0:23:02it travels at 0.000mph on the first ten shakes
0:23:02 > 0:23:05and then 1,000 billion mph into your crotch.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07What does ketchup taste like in Germany?
0:23:08 > 0:23:12I...guess quite similar to how it tastes in the UK.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Apparently, no. Curry ketchup's more popular in Germany.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Oh, but that's a different ketchup, isn't it?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19It's amazing, I mean, that is...
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Small wonder you all have such wonderful physiques.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23LAUGHTER
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Well, I can't take...or Germany can't take any credit for my physique.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29I've been here now for 12 years and
0:23:29 > 0:23:30you do have to assimilate, don't ya?
0:23:30 > 0:23:32LAUGHTER
0:23:32 > 0:23:34APPLAUSE
0:23:36 > 0:23:39The Isles of Scilly are set to get their first set of traffic lights,
0:23:39 > 0:23:42150 years after they were introduced in England to reduce traffic speed
0:23:42 > 0:23:45near the airport, where they're presumably building
0:23:45 > 0:23:46that controversial first runway.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Yeah, they've all had their speed restricted,
0:23:50 > 0:23:54apart from a motorist driving down the Autobahn between Hamburg
0:23:54 > 0:23:55and the Danish border.
0:23:55 > 0:24:00The record speed on an Autobahn is 268mph.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02It was set by Chris Huhne on his holiday,
0:24:02 > 0:24:05although the Guinness Book of Records attributes it
0:24:05 > 0:24:07to his...ugh...
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- "AtTRIbutes"...it's not that, is it? AttriBUTEs.- AttriBUTEs.- I know.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- SAYS it was his ex-wife.- Yeah. - Just says "says."- Yeah.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17- I have to say Jeremy's English is very good.- Yeah!
0:24:19 > 0:24:22The record speed on an Autobahn is 268mph.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25It was set by Chris Huhne on his holiday,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28although the Guinness Book of Records says it was his ex-wife.
0:24:30 > 0:24:35Heinz ketchup has a speed limit of 0.028mph.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38This speed is considerably slower than a Tesco lasagne,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41parts of which are quick enough to win the Grand National.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44APPLAUSE
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:24:47 > 0:24:50which, this week, features as its guest publication
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Leather International.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53We start with...
0:24:53 > 0:24:56"What falls..." No, fails!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58LAUGHTER
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Is it "Host of Have I Got News For You?"
0:25:02 > 0:25:03APPLAUSE
0:25:08 > 0:25:09It's crucifixion.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12It is indeed crucifixion.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13I saw this story.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16They were going to re-enact the crucifixion for Easter,
0:25:16 > 0:25:18which is coming up, but the Health and Safety said,
0:25:18 > 0:25:20"I'm terribly sorry, you can't do this.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22"Christ's got to wear a high-vis jacket."
0:25:22 > 0:25:24How realistic did they want to make it?
0:25:24 > 0:25:25Did they want to use nails?
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Next...
0:25:31 > 0:25:36HENNING: DFS leather sofas are never full price?
0:25:38 > 0:25:43Scientists discover why, but can't find how, when or who.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46It is...
0:25:50 > 0:25:53This is an experiment that shows wine tastes different
0:25:53 > 0:25:55depending on the ambiance.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58It's exactly the same reason why sex with a Greek waiter
0:25:58 > 0:26:00isn't quite as exciting after he's turned up
0:26:00 > 0:26:03on your doorstep in Wolverhampton.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06You said that with real feeling, Jeremy!
0:26:10 > 0:26:11Next...
0:26:14 > 0:26:16CAMILLA: Russia.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20It's always flying insects, isn't it? Insects, moths, seals,
0:26:20 > 0:26:21Methodists. It sort of...
0:26:24 > 0:26:26- ALL: Onions?! - Onions!
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Next...
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Face of Adolf Hitler.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39I saw this. They come from China or something -
0:26:39 > 0:26:41there's a black and white photograph,
0:26:41 > 0:26:42you've probably got a picture of it.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44ALL: It's a stamp.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46HENNING: I've got loads of them at home.
0:26:49 > 0:26:535,000 mugs with Hitler's face on them were made by a firm in China.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56This featured in the Daily Mail, although I wasn't sure
0:26:56 > 0:26:59if it was a news story or a promotional offer.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03And finally...
0:27:06 > 0:27:08It's got to rhyme, "Chicken-feather leather."
0:27:08 > 0:27:10"Richard Wool. Hi, I'm Richard Wool,
0:27:10 > 0:27:12"I make chicken-feather leather."
0:27:14 > 0:27:16- It is actually leather.- Is it?!
0:27:16 > 0:27:18APPLAUSE
0:27:20 > 0:27:23So, the final scores are...
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Camilla and Paul, you have 10.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Henning and Ian, you have 8.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29- Sorry. - APPLAUSE
0:27:32 > 0:27:34And I leave you with the news that,
0:27:34 > 0:27:38in Basingstoke, Maria Miller pops out for a relaxing Sunday walk.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44As Prince Charles opens Highgrove to the public,
0:27:44 > 0:27:47someone draws a penis in the guestbook.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56And, in Dundee, the SNP reassure voters
0:27:56 > 0:27:58that television in an independent Scotland
0:27:58 > 0:28:01will be just as entertaining without the BBC.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Good night.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09APPLAUSE