0:00:24 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I'm Martin Clunes.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43In the news this week,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46as the BBC introduces a "bring your pet to work" day,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49one employee makes regular checks on Sammy the hamster.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05The head of BBC Drama brings in a new voice coach
0:01:05 > 0:01:06for the cast of Jamaica Inn.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10WAILING
0:01:12 > 0:01:14HOWLING
0:01:16 > 0:01:19HOWLING
0:01:19 > 0:01:22And as Richard Branson prepares to start his Virgin Galactic service,
0:01:22 > 0:01:24rival engineers at Ryanair
0:01:24 > 0:01:26attempt to launch their first customer into space.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who's was always got
0:01:35 > 0:01:38a pint in his hand and is known for his unhinged angry rants.
0:01:38 > 0:01:43In fact, if he didn't love Benidorm so much, he could be Nigel Farage.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Please welcome Johnny Vegas.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47APPLAUSE
0:01:51 > 0:01:55And with Paul tonight is a political correspondent who started out at the BBC
0:01:55 > 0:01:57with special responsibility for breakfast.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01She was the one who had to put the shredded wheat on Andrew Neil's head.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Please welcome Jo Coburn.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06APPLAUSE
0:02:09 > 0:02:12And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Paul and Jo, take a look at this.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15- Blimey.- Speak up!
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Yes, your ear trumpet, man.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Oh, yes, this is probably Cornwall.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22This is the BBC show, Jamaica Inn, which I didn't see,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25but a lot of people didn't hear apparently.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28They had more complaints about this, the BBC,
0:02:28 > 0:02:32- than they've had about anything else for a very long time.- Yes.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36So whether it was 1,500 people's TV sets that weren't working
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- or it was technical problems. - Shall we have a little look?
0:02:40 > 0:02:44There's a bunch of petticoats here to see you.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Joss, we've gone to hell.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Salt and the twins have been busted. Legassik caught them.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54MUMBLING
0:02:54 > 0:02:56An ordinary man.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01INDISTINCT SINGING
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- Johnny.- There you go.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08APPLAUSE
0:03:10 > 0:03:13That's the only job I got via a casting.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15MUMBLES
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Do you mind working topless?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21MUMBLES
0:03:21 > 0:03:25To be fair, this was set in an era before sound recording was available.
0:03:25 > 0:03:30But they did mumble all the way through it.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32And the Beeb said at first it was a technical problem,
0:03:32 > 0:03:34then number two went out and I watched it
0:03:34 > 0:03:36and I couldn't hear any of it.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38They said they turned it up for the second episode.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40There's been some great letters in the paper.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Adrian Whitely had a pithy comment on the Jamaica Inn drama.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51And Martin Davies, who is actually from Cornwall,
0:03:51 > 0:03:53had a completely different gripe altogether.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14- Surely it's Dominus Regit Me? - Whatever.
0:04:14 > 0:04:19What else has Cornwall been in the news for lately?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21It's gone independent.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Yes, a spokesman for the Cornish National Liberation Army said...
0:04:24 > 0:04:26MUMBLES
0:04:26 > 0:04:31Let's not forget how the Sun referred to CNLA as the...
0:04:40 > 0:04:43People of Cornwall have been officially recognised as a UK minority.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46According to the Telegraph, the decision means...
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Which means they can now be shot with impunity by the Metropolitan police.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58Ian and Johnny, here's another for you.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02Oh, this is Farage, unveiling his new poster campaign.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05It's going to be gloomy. Floods.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09And there's the average UKIP voter.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14And news has arrived. The Second World War has broken out.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18There's some posters and they caused a lot of trouble.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22One of the election leaflets had a girl in it saying,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24"I'm an ordinary voter from Devon and I vote UKIP"
0:05:24 > 0:05:28and it turned out she worked for Farage as his assistant.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30And she was paid.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- There's one with a pointy finger, isn't there?- We've got it here.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37JO: Yes, immigrants are taking jobs from British workers.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Taking bogies from the end of British fingers.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Is it the lottery?
0:05:43 > 0:05:47There's someone going to vote UKIP, it could be you.
0:05:48 > 0:05:53That did raise the question about Nigel Farage's German wife
0:05:53 > 0:05:57and whether or not a Brit could do her job of being his secretary.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01To be honest, it's not a job a lot of British people would want.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04We've got a clip with Nick Robinson, it's really good.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06You try to turn everything into a joke.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10You have a campaign that says that Europeans are taking British jobs.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14- Yes.- You employ a German woman to work in your office.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16She happens to be your wife.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20She happens to spend many hundreds of thousands of British taxpayers' money.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22How do you justify that?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24No, she doesn't, she earns a very modest salary,
0:06:24 > 0:06:26for working extremely unsociable hours for me.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29So why isn't she taking a British person's job?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Because nobody else could do the job.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34No British person could work for you as your secretary?
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Not unless I marry them.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38You don't think anybody is capable of doing that job?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- What, marrying me? - No, doing the job as your secretary.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44I don't know anybody who would work those kind of hours.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47So that's it, it's clear, UKIP not believe that any British person
0:06:47 > 0:06:50is capable of being the secretary of their leader.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52That's nonsense, and you know it.
0:06:57 > 0:07:02That sounds like me trying to excuse the use of prostitutes.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- Enlighten us.- Or don't.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11The threat to some English people's jobs
0:07:11 > 0:07:14encourage some British people to work even harder
0:07:14 > 0:07:18and get versions like this of the poster up on Twitter.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24JO: Which job would you rather do?
0:07:24 > 0:07:28- Be Nigel Farage's secretary of the new manager of Manchester United?- Me?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Yeah.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33LAUGHTER
0:07:37 > 0:07:39No-brainer, as they say.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41"Dear Nigel..."
0:07:42 > 0:07:46How did the founder of the UKIP party, Dr Alan Sked,
0:07:46 > 0:07:48recently describe Nigel Farage?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50A drunken imbecile.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51JOHNNY: A prick.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56They described him as...
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Which is coincidentally the B-side of Young, Gifted And Black.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:07 > 0:08:10In other European news what's just been launched in Portugal?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12A new grape!
0:08:13 > 0:08:16The Portuguese Navy unveiled its new state of the art surveillance drone
0:08:16 > 0:08:18at a naval base in Lisbon. Let's see how that went.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29This is UKIP's new poster campaign which is full of outrageous claims.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33It emerged that a woman posing as a voter in UKIP's manifesto
0:08:33 > 0:08:36was a certain Lizzy Vaid, who is, in fact, the...
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Basically, she arranges the lock-ins and books the strippers.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42LAUGHTER
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Neil Hamilton has been demoted as UKIP's campaign director.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Some UKIP members see him as...
0:08:52 > 0:08:54That's no way to talk about Christine.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Paul and Jo, take a look at this.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- It's a bar.- It's a bar, definitely a bar. There's a tough guy.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Oh, yes. There's less fighting going on in Britain,
0:09:03 > 0:09:04although this clip would say otherwise,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07but of course that's the Wild West in 1943.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10There's a happy doctor. So yes, people are drinking less alcohol
0:09:10 > 0:09:13so there's less violence on a Saturday night is the story, I think.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17It is. People can't afford to get pissed I think, isn't it, these days.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- Is that the technical term?- Yes.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Anybody here drinking less?
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Put that down.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25LAUGHTER
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Someone's put water in it!
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- It could be that alcohol is more expensive.- Hmm.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32That was one of the reasons.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35They said deliberately making the price of, say,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38a six pack of cider, I gather, erm...
0:09:38 > 0:09:40LAUGHTER
0:09:40 > 0:09:43..more expensive puts people off.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46And so the government was going to make minimum pricing,
0:09:46 > 0:09:47but they've changed their mind.
0:09:47 > 0:09:53A lot of the big drinks companies took them out for a pint
0:09:53 > 0:09:55and they changed their mind completely.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58But that could be it. There are a lot of possibles, aren't there?
0:09:58 > 0:10:02I thought we might have adopted a more European approach to alcohol.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05You know you go out and just savour it and just enjoy it?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08But the other night I genuinely saw a bloke arguing with his wife
0:10:08 > 0:10:12and he said, "That's why you can't keep a budgie in a round cage,
0:10:12 > 0:10:15"you silly bitch.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19"They need corners." And she said, "Well, what's wrong with parrots?"
0:10:19 > 0:10:20This is genuine.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24And he went, "Parrots can talk, budgies need solace."
0:10:26 > 0:10:27And then he punched a wall.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33- There was another theory about lead poisoning.- Yes.- I like that one.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Apparently if you had or when you had lead in petrol it made people
0:10:37 > 0:10:40go in for the fisticuffs, like your example, more often.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Why are we still using pencils?
0:10:44 > 0:10:45They'd be hard to give up.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49I've got a pen.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51The hard stuff.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54A study at the University of Cardiff found that...
0:11:00 > 0:11:01To two.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Now, have you heard of this American technological
0:11:05 > 0:11:09breakthrough that might help to bring the price of alcohol down
0:11:09 > 0:11:11and get everyone back punching each other properly?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Powered alcohol. Or to give it its correct name...
0:11:16 > 0:11:19I shit you not.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Just mix with beer.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24According to the manufacturer's website...
0:11:43 > 0:11:47And what do you think the people from the Civitas think tank
0:11:47 > 0:11:51think in their think tank?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53We need a bigger tank.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Why are we working in a tank? We're bright.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58- More booze.- Yeah.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Spokesman David Green told the Times...
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Twat.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19And our leader David Cameron, he'd probably agree with that,
0:12:19 > 0:12:21do you think? What do you think? Why? Would he?
0:12:21 > 0:12:25- He says we're a Christian country. - Yes.- And that shocked people.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28No, cynics would say there's an election round the corner.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Let's break the Alastair Campbell diktat and do God.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Get those churchgoers who might convert to UKIP
0:12:34 > 0:12:35back in the Tory fold.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38It's quite mean to suggest they're going to convert to UKIP.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41I mean, they're not entirely gullible.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47We are a Christian country, aren't we?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Yeah, more or less, culturally, historically.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Look at all the people that couldn't give a shit about God
0:12:52 > 0:12:53- sitting their with the kids.- Yeah.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Every Sunday trying to get them into a decent school.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Who wrote this about David Cameron's theolog...
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Sod it, I'll start this again.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Who wrote this about David Cameron's theologism? Theologis...
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Theologis...
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Beliefs.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Yeah.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Who wrote this about David Cameron's ideas?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20LAUGHTER
0:13:20 > 0:13:21And I quote...
0:13:30 > 0:13:32And the problem is?
0:13:32 > 0:13:36- That's Alastair Campbell. - Yeah, it is.- Is it?
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Don't do God.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Just giving Satan's view for balance.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46Going back to alcohol-related violence, um...
0:13:46 > 0:13:47More fun.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Would you like to see a very drunk man behaving quite harmlessly?
0:13:50 > 0:13:51- Yes.- Yes.- Here he is.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57He's trying to get to the other side of the fence.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00He can't get through it.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05He can't get over it.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10And a little boy comes back from the shops...
0:14:13 > 0:14:16LAUGHTER
0:14:20 > 0:14:24APPLAUSE
0:14:25 > 0:14:28This is the drop in violent crime which has been attributed to
0:14:28 > 0:14:30a fall in binge drinking.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Also in the news this week, a new powdered alcohol called Palcohol.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35According to the Times...
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Sadly too late for David Moyes.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41AUDIENCE GROANS
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Also in the news this week,
0:14:46 > 0:14:49David Cameron has declared Britain is a Christian country
0:14:49 > 0:14:51and reasserted his faith at an Easter reception
0:14:51 > 0:14:52for Christian leaders,
0:14:52 > 0:14:55leaving many in the congregation shaking their heads and asking,
0:14:55 > 0:14:57"What's this got to do with bunnies and chocolate?"
0:14:57 > 0:15:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Ian and Johnny, here's another for you.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Ed Miliband.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Is he looking into a mirror?
0:15:09 > 0:15:13And that's his new spin doctor, David Axelrod.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15He's an American they brought over.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18He's an election guru, and he's being paid, apparently,
0:15:18 > 0:15:22a six-figure sum, because there's no English or British people
0:15:22 > 0:15:23who could get Miliband elected.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27It's a highly specialist skill. Apparently he's brilliant.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31I mean, first black president ever - Obama.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33First...
0:15:33 > 0:15:37Ed Milibandy kind of guy to get in.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41Er...he's going to get elected. So it's very exciting, isn't it?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Well, they're not alone, though, are they?
0:15:43 > 0:15:45It's the battle of the election gurus.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49The Tories have already got the Australian guy, Lynton Crosby,
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- and the Liberal Democrats have got one as well.- Have they?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54- Yeah.- Lord Haw-Haw?
0:15:54 > 0:15:55No!
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Everyone said it's going to be really unpleasant,
0:15:58 > 0:16:01because apparently this man's skill is negative campaigning,
0:16:01 > 0:16:05so instead of saying, "My guy is great," you know, which with Ed...
0:16:05 > 0:16:08you know, might be difficult...
0:16:08 > 0:16:13He's going to say, "Your guys are posh and rich and... Eurgh."
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Because he wanted an end to Punch and Judy politics, didn't he?
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Ed Miliband.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20You would, if you looked like him and clapped like that...
0:16:22 > 0:16:27"You've lost the election, but you've won a big string of sausages."
0:16:27 > 0:16:28There's a picture here
0:16:28 > 0:16:31of the moment when Mr Axelrod told Barack Obama
0:16:31 > 0:16:34that he was going to make Ed Miliband Prime Minister.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39According to the Daily Mail, Mr Axelrod said...
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Little bit of help from Mr Axelrod,
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Miliband should be able to do that on May the 6th next year.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55According to David Axelrod's campaign staff,
0:16:55 > 0:16:58He's a messy eater. Staff say that in the past...
0:17:03 > 0:17:06And he also addressed a large meeting...
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Meanwhile, in Scottish independence news,
0:17:14 > 0:17:16who has been drafted in to help the...
0:17:16 > 0:17:18- Gordon Brown.- ..struggling Better Together campaign?
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- Gordon Brown.- Yes.- He's going to come in and enthuse everybody.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22THEY SCOFF
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Papers say he's still popular up in Scotland,
0:17:25 > 0:17:27with certain sections of the population.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28- Mm.- The midges.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33APPLAUSE
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Any other Scotsmen had a bad week this week?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Well, David Moyes hasn't has a good week!
0:17:39 > 0:17:41That's the answer to the question!
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- Oh, well done.- Have a point.- Yay!
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Somebody's going to step in as a sort of caretaker. Do you know...?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49- Ryan Giggs.- Yes.- Even I know that.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- Yes.- Yes.- Are you allowed to say his name in public?
0:17:52 > 0:17:53Oh...
0:17:53 > 0:17:55I don't know...
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Rather you than me.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00I mean...
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Andy Gibbons tweeted...
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Who's not interested in that job, do you know?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15- Oh, is it Sir Bruce?- Madrid.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16It's Jurgen Klopp.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- Oh.- He's ruled himself out,
0:18:19 > 0:18:22but he's asked if his brother Klippety could be considered.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30This is Ed Miliband's hiring of legendary American campaign guru
0:18:30 > 0:18:32David Axelrod.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Let's hope his rather disappointing brother
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Ed Axelrod doesn't turn up instead.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Gordon Brown's given a speech this week warning of a pension time bomb
0:18:41 > 0:18:43if Scotland goes independent.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44According to the Guardian...
0:18:48 > 0:18:50And the other two thirds will just look it.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Another 10% goes.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Ryan Giggs reckons he has what it takes to be the next manager.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Talking about the younger players in the reserve team, he says...
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Well, you would, if you've jumped their mothers, wouldn't you?
0:19:13 > 0:19:17And so to round two, the Gramophone of News.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Here are some stories this week with a historical bent.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24I'm going to give you a clue using the Gramophone of News.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27ALL: Ooh!
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Twat. Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- Here's the first one.- Yeah.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34MUSIC: "One Morning in May" by Stanley Black
0:19:34 > 0:19:36COCKEREL CROWS
0:19:37 > 0:19:39BUZZER
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- Who's that?- That was me. - Oh, well done.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Suntan bed's ready. Erm...
0:19:46 > 0:19:47That's Pathe News.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Pathe News - they made these newsreels for about 40, 50 years,
0:19:51 > 0:19:54they've released the whole lot online, I think.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57So everything that Pathe News ever did is now available to see.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Absolutely right. 85,000 newsreels onto YouTube.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- God, that's going to take me ages. - I was going to say, "..to download!"
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Let's have a look at some of them.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08What's Fanny Cradock going to do with this egg?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- She's going to slice it very thinly. - She is.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12You watch and learn.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14- A swan?- A swan egg.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17It's a beautiful eggy swan.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Oh, yes.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- JO: Canapes have changed, haven't they?- Yeah.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24The Great British Drake Off.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26SCATTERED LAUGHTER
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Thank you very much.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30A drake's a duck.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31Yeah, I know.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33What do you think he's getting ready to do?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36JOHNNY: Is he going to conserve water by swallowing the toothpaste
0:20:36 > 0:20:38and not spitting it out?
0:20:38 > 0:20:39It's a war effort thing.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41"Watch out, Hitler!
0:20:41 > 0:20:44"We're swallowing our toothpaste this side of the Channel.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48"Take that, Hermann Goerin'."
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Well, let's see what he did next.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53AUDIENCE GASPS
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- JO: You're right, we'd never have guessed.- You wouldn't would you?
0:20:56 > 0:21:00You had to make your own entertainment in them days.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02What do you think is about to happen to these dogs?
0:21:02 > 0:21:03AUDIENCE: Ahh.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07- The terrible things they're all thinking!- Yes...
0:21:07 > 0:21:09JO: Hot-air balloon?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12JOHNNY: Does one of them get fed after midnight? And...
0:21:14 > 0:21:17..lots of evil dogs are produced, and they trash their neighbourhood?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Let's have a look.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23Blimey.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25- How dignified.- Yes.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30The Pathe archive also includes footage
0:21:30 > 0:21:33of Arnold Schwarzenegger's first performance.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Here he is playing Hamlet.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38- PAUL AS SCHWARZENEGGER:- "To be or not to be."
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Here we go, back to the Gramophone of News, everyone.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- Gramophone of News! - Fingers on your buzzers.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46"Hail Macbeth, King of Scotland!"
0:21:46 > 0:21:47BUZZER
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- That's a bit of Macbeth.- Mm. - Is it?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- He said it!- Yeah, "Hail Macbeth, King of Scotland."
0:21:52 > 0:21:56- This is Shakespeare's birthday.- Yes. - Oh, I didn't get him anything.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Do you know what birthday it is?
0:21:59 > 0:22:00450, is it?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Well done, yeah. It is the Sun's celebration.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Helpfully summarised all 37 of his plays.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Here's Twelfth Night:
0:22:18 > 0:22:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Here's Much Ado About Nothing:
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Johnny, you played Bottom, didn't you? Who was Snug to your Bottom?
0:22:31 > 0:22:35- Was it the monkey? - Don't bring this up again!
0:22:35 > 0:22:37We did this last time.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- I like him.- Well, he's doing his own ads now. I've been edged out.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44It's not even the fact that I'm not cutting-edge any more -
0:22:44 > 0:22:46I'm bitter.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48On top of that. You know what?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Love coffee.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56It's time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Your four are:
0:22:57 > 0:23:00The Tramp, David Miliband,
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Jack Straw, and Fusarium wilt.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06- Er...- Has David Miliband got a question mark on his head?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09His mum put it there, cos she couldn't work out which was which.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11It looks like he's been kicked by a tiny horse.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- Yeah. Woke up feeling a little horse.- Wahey!
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- Do you want a clue?- Yes, please. - There's yellow.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Is it Nick Clegg?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23I can't think what yellow has to do with Chaplin's Tramp.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- The make-up or something he was wearing?- A little more...
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- It's bent and it's yellow. - Bent and yellow?- Bananas.- Ah!
0:23:29 > 0:23:31- Ah.- Ah! David Miliband, of course,
0:23:31 > 0:23:34didn't he trip on a banana, or...?
0:23:34 > 0:23:36- He appeared with a banana. - He appeared with a banana.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38- That's right. - And looked a bit silly.- Yes.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40They've all had an embarrassment with bananas
0:23:40 > 0:23:43apart from the disease, which gets into bananas.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44Yes!
0:23:48 > 0:23:49- Yes.- That's impossible.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53Er, this week Jack Straw was photographed
0:23:53 > 0:23:56eating a banana on the M6.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Here's the damning evidence.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04He was obviously full of regret. He told journalists:
0:24:08 > 0:24:10And David Miliband famously faced ridicule
0:24:10 > 0:24:12at the 2008 Labour Party conference
0:24:12 > 0:24:14after being photographed with a 'nana.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Sorry, that's the wrong 'nana.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23They've all got into trouble with a banana,
0:24:23 > 0:24:26apart from Fusarium wilt, which is causing trouble FOR bananas.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27According to Gert Kema,
0:24:27 > 0:24:30who's the director of a banana research programme
0:24:30 > 0:24:32at Wageningen University in the Netherlands,
0:24:32 > 0:24:35it's critical that the banana disease is contained, as:
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Apple?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44So it's time now for the Missing Words round,
0:24:44 > 0:24:46which this week features as its guest publication
0:24:46 > 0:24:50Total Grooming Magazine, which is all about dog grooming.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52How to pick up dogs on the internet.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54And we start with:
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Ann Widdecombe as his midnight bride?
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Take the stairs.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08After complaining about the dreadful pop music in the BBC lifts,
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Jeremy Paxman was sent a letter from a radio boss, Ben Cooper.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Oooh!
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Next:
0:25:26 > 0:25:27I wanna enter my dog
0:25:28 > 0:25:31at all the local dog shows in the area.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33That's the rest of it, but you haven't got that bit.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34You'll get 30 years.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- Look like.- Look like? - JO: Oh, look like!
0:25:38 > 0:25:39Next:
0:25:41 > 0:25:43JOHNNY: Ride penny-farthings.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Eat on an empty stomach.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Urinate standing up.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Tweet or own a cat.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00Yes, Country Life Magazine's updated Guide to Gentlemanly Manners.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02According to them, a true gentleman does not:
0:26:05 > 0:26:07That's my weekend up the Swanee!
0:26:09 > 0:26:10Next:
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Traffic detour sign makes fish turn into harbour.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21JOHNNY: Fishing makes fish turn into supper.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27The answer is Prozac makes fish turn into frenzied killers.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- Killers!- Next. What seen from space?
0:26:30 > 0:26:31The moon!
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Eric Pickles.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37- JO: Dog in a rocket. - What is it?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Nessie.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Really? They can't even spot her on the ground, but...
0:26:42 > 0:26:45go 5,000 miles up there and it's clear as day.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47This is a satellite image which supposedly shows
0:26:47 > 0:26:50the Loch Ness Monster. According to the Mirror,
0:26:50 > 0:26:52the picture has been probed by:
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Good thing - you wouldn't want a bunch of nutjobs looking into it.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Finally:
0:27:06 > 0:27:08JOHNNY: Torment with panache!
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Er, to make his favourite cheese.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17This is the shock revelation that Kim Jong Un eats a lot of cheese.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Who knew?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Is the name of the person who gets it for him.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24LAUGHTER
0:27:24 > 0:27:25APPLAUSE
0:27:28 > 0:27:31So the final scores are,
0:27:31 > 0:27:32Johnny and Ian have 9,
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Jo and Paul have 6!
0:27:40 > 0:27:42On which note we say thank you to our panellists,
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Ian Hislop and Johnny Vegas, Paul Merton and Jo Coburn,
0:27:45 > 0:27:47and I leave you with news that in Kent,
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Nigel Farage gets himself into the right state of mind
0:27:49 > 0:27:51to compose the UKIP manifesto.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57There are calls for Tony Blair to be made a saint,
0:27:57 > 0:27:59as his face appears on a pizza.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07And after admitting in court that his affair with Rebekah Brooks
0:28:07 > 0:28:10was wrong, a contrite Andy Coulson leaves the Old Bailey with his wife.
0:28:14 > 0:28:15APPLAUSE
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Good night!