:00:39. > :00:44.Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Jack Dee. In the
:00:45. > :00:46.news this week, as the Jamaica Inn sound quality row continues, the BBC
:00:47. > :00:50.asks the recording engineer responsible to explain what might
:00:51. > :00:58.have happened. MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY LAUGHTER.
:00:59. > :01:01.In Stoke-on-Trent, one Good Morning Britain viewer makes the mistake of
:01:02. > :01:06.complaining that Susanna Reid hasn't got her legs on show.
:01:07. > :01:09.LAUGHTER And in Somerset, as the floodwaters
:01:10. > :01:19.finally recede, a local finds it hard to adapt to the new drier
:01:20. > :01:28.conditions. LAUGHTER.
:01:29. > :01:31.On Ian's team tonight, a comedian who collected Foster's comedy award
:01:32. > :01:35.wearing a T-shirt saying "No more page three", and she got an extra
:01:36. > :01:44.round of applause when she took it off. Please welcome Bridget
:01:45. > :01:46.Christie. APPLAUSE.
:01:47. > :01:50.And with Paul tonight is a writer and broadcaster who is widely seen
:01:51. > :01:56.as the most miserable man on telly. I haven't even got that any more!
:01:57. > :02:07.Please welcome Charlie Brooker. APPLAUSE. Now we start with the
:02:08. > :02:10.biggest stories of the week. Ian and Bridget, take a look at this.
:02:11. > :02:14.Patrick Mercer MP, he is saying goodbye. That's for free, he hasn't
:02:15. > :02:17.charged for that bit. Bye, bye. Goodbye. You're off. Ooh! That's a
:02:18. > :02:23.severe penalty! Oh, and that is Farage. Again. Who
:02:24. > :02:26.has taken a job running a mini cab firm.
:02:27. > :02:31.There he goes. Be five minutes.
:02:32. > :02:36.There's a by-election coming up, which anybody could win. Except
:02:37. > :02:39.Farage. Because he won't stand. Because it would look opportunistic
:02:40. > :02:44.because he doesn't have a relationship with Newark. He doesn't
:02:45. > :02:49.have a relationship with earth. I think that is the Robin Hood bit.
:02:50. > :02:53.Newark and Sherwood. The same area. Which is where traditionally you rob
:02:54. > :02:57.from the rich and give to the poor. Which is Farage's policy - take the
:02:58. > :03:04.money from the EU, and you give it to your wife. Any way, Robert
:03:05. > :03:08.Kilroy-Silk used to be the MEP for the area, and he is very good with
:03:09. > :03:12.the sound bite, so we have a little moment of him. Haven't seen this for
:03:13. > :03:17.a while. Their fate will be in each other's hands, as they decide
:03:18. > :03:23.whether to share, or to shaft. LAUGHTER.
:03:24. > :03:26.So did you see when, I think it was Eamonn Holmes, Sky News, got the
:03:27. > :03:29.scoop on why Nigel Farage decided not to stand.
:03:30. > :03:33.You have announced in the past half hour, Mr Farage, it is not for you.
:03:34. > :03:39.The question is have you bottled it? Yes.
:03:40. > :03:42.LAUGHTER. In fairness, I think Nigel is
:03:43. > :03:47.suffering from a time delay there. He thinks it is 1957. I think we
:03:48. > :03:50.came out just before two cars collided behind him.
:03:51. > :03:54.He has got all the publicity and the Tory party, who should be very
:03:55. > :03:56.embarrassed, one of their MPs was caught taking money to ask
:03:57. > :03:59.questions. Really pretty obvious sting by Panorama and the Telegraph.
:04:00. > :04:03.Someone coming up and saying "Would you ask some questions about Fiji?"
:04:04. > :04:11."Oh yes I will ask questions about Fiji. Anything."
:04:12. > :04:15.I'm glad this came up because Jack, I had an e-mail from Patrick Mercer,
:04:16. > :04:19.and he said that he would pay me ?10 if I asked you how much money you
:04:20. > :04:28.were being paid to ask about his cash for questions. For tonight?
:04:29. > :04:32.For tonight. And then he said he would give me an extra ?5 if I said
:04:33. > :04:39.at least he didn't read his questions from an autocue. OK. What
:04:40. > :04:48.if I give you ?100 to shut up? Well, I am quids in. I am quids in. See me
:04:49. > :05:00.afterwards. He said he was resigning because:
:05:01. > :05:07.True to his word after 11 months of shilly-shallying, he nobly resigned.
:05:08. > :05:15.What is shilly-shallying? I'm surprised you don't know that.
:05:16. > :05:19.Sshilly-shallying. I don't know what you do all day. He does his hair! Do
:05:20. > :05:23.you have any idea how long that takes? Apart from the by-election,
:05:24. > :05:27.there's the referendum in Scotland. Yes. Yes, Ed Milliband told the
:05:28. > :05:31.Scots not to vote for independence but to wait for him to save them
:05:32. > :05:37.when he is Prime Minister. He's going to save them all, he said:
:05:38. > :05:41.That is right. Good one. That is two things to look forward to, isn't it.
:05:42. > :05:46.What is Ed Miliband's Scottish dilemma? If Scotland go independent,
:05:47. > :05:49.then he will never get into power again. Because the figures suggest
:05:50. > :05:52.it's a permanent Tory Government without Scotland, which is a good
:05:53. > :05:58.reason for Scotland to vote no. Please. That is the dilemma, so
:05:59. > :06:03.Scotland, it is time to decide whether to share or shaft.
:06:04. > :06:15.APPLAUSE. Did you see what UKIP MEP Roger
:06:16. > :06:21.Helmer was quoted as saying? Was he the one talking about Lenny Henry?
:06:22. > :06:30.That was Henwood. This is guess the lunatic. He said:
:06:31. > :06:42.He doesn't like the taste. LAUGHTER.
:06:43. > :06:50.He doesn't like squeezing the bag. Apart from Farage and... Far-arge. I
:06:51. > :06:55.won't call him that. It is like sausage. Any way... It is the same.
:06:56. > :06:59.He's a big sausage. Any way, what I was saying, was
:07:00. > :07:06.whenever somebody - you only see him, when somebody speaks they have
:07:07. > :07:09.to resign or they are sacked. One of the UKIP euro election posters was
:07:10. > :07:13.photographed next to a poster for camping equipment. Here is the UKIP
:07:14. > :07:21.one, and then right next to it is one for camping equipment.
:07:22. > :07:26.OK, so this is Patrick Mercer who quit as an MP after accepting ?4,000
:07:27. > :07:30.to lobby on behalf of Fiji. What kind of person would accept to
:07:31. > :07:32.promote Fiji, blessed with over 300 tropical islands, magnificent coral
:07:33. > :07:37.reefs and beaches that seem to stretch on forever? The resignation
:07:38. > :07:39.is a double blow, the people of Newark have lost their
:07:40. > :07:42.representative in Parliament, while at the same time the people of Fiji
:07:43. > :07:57.have lost their representative in Parliament.
:07:58. > :07:59.So, Paul and Charlie, take a look at this.
:08:00. > :08:03.High speed railway is being built, that is the prototype model. It's a
:08:04. > :08:08.pump wagon. How did you know that? There is David Cameron, meeting
:08:09. > :08:11.people. He is meeting the cast of the Quality Street tin. That is
:08:12. > :08:19.right. He has gone back to the 19th century. This is some hot girl on
:08:20. > :08:22.trunk action. Exactly. This is about the high speed railway and that is
:08:23. > :08:26.probably about somebody who loves the countryside and doesn't want to
:08:27. > :08:29.it go through their back garden. You are completely right. The dream of
:08:30. > :08:32.being able to leave Birmingham quickly has been brought one step
:08:33. > :08:39.closer. How did David Cameron vote on the High Speed Rail Bill's second
:08:40. > :08:46.reading? He is all for it. He didn't turn up. He was on a train, it was
:08:47. > :08:49.late. He didn't bother, even though he
:08:50. > :08:51.lives across the road,. Apparently he was having a date night, and Nick
:08:52. > :08:56.was really looking forward to Mayor of London, Boris Johnson is a
:08:57. > :08:59.supporter of the high speed rail link, but how did he sensitively
:09:00. > :09:04.answer those voicing environmental concerns? He said it is absolute
:09:05. > :09:06.bollocks. All these environmentalists, they don't care
:09:07. > :09:11.about butterflies and trees, all they care about is their house
:09:12. > :09:15.prices. Do you know what, if Boris Johnson was like a woman, or a poor
:09:16. > :09:20.person, they wouldn't get away with the things he says, but because he
:09:21. > :09:25.was well-educated and posh... Is there a problem coming here? No, but
:09:26. > :09:28.I think - no, but we wouldn't get away with it, but people assume that
:09:29. > :09:31.his stupidity is deliberate because he has been so well-educated. He
:09:32. > :09:35.said trees were stupid and they didn't need to be saved because
:09:36. > :09:43.there are no trees in this country older than 200-years-old. Why is he
:09:44. > :09:46.so anti-tree? He hate trees. They all think the environment is for
:09:47. > :09:56.pussies, don't they, and girls and stuff. No, they do! They make me
:09:57. > :10:07.sick. Who is "they"? All you lot! APPLAUSE.
:10:08. > :10:14.. The question here is, is he right?
:10:15. > :10:19.And what I'd like to do now is now play how old is this tree? Come on,
:10:20. > :10:25.this is my idea, so please join in. Try and make it work. Have I Got
:10:26. > :10:31.Yews For You. First of all, here's a picture of a London plane tree. How
:10:32. > :10:36.long can they live? 185 years. No, no, Paul, they've been known to live
:10:37. > :10:41.to 400 years. I've been misinformed. Either that or you were sold a duff
:10:42. > :10:48.one. Yeah. Let's have another one. How long can a sweet chestnut live?
:10:49. > :10:57.Ah, sweet chestnut, yes. 200? I think it's much more. Yes, go on.
:10:58. > :11:01.201? No, 600. This is not the format of the show I was expecting. They
:11:02. > :11:05.can live up to 700 years, so, yeah. I've got a mulberry tree in my
:11:06. > :11:08.garden. Have you? They are very rare. They are protected, aren't
:11:09. > :11:15.they? Yeah, and it's about 450 years old. Really? You've been there that
:11:16. > :11:20.long? I have, yeah, but I've cut it down because I don't care. Wild
:11:21. > :11:29.holly, wild cherry and crack willow are three of the girls Boris employs
:11:30. > :11:33.in his office. Crack Willow? Yeah, yeah. That is what I was working
:11:34. > :11:42.towards, that joke. Couldn't see the joke for the trees, really, could
:11:43. > :11:45.you? Now, a report by think tank the Institute of Economic Affairs, cast
:11:46. > :11:47.doubt on the rail link's ability to improve the North. The report was
:11:48. > :11:59.called: By J K Rowling. There's too much
:12:00. > :12:02.transportation really. I'm against any new train tracks or anything,
:12:03. > :12:08.because it's never worth going anywhere. If you think about it,
:12:09. > :12:13.have you ever been anywhere that it was worth going? There was a letter
:12:14. > :12:16.in the paper today saying we shouldn't bother with trains because
:12:17. > :12:20.there are going to be driverless cars by the time it's finished in
:12:21. > :12:25.2026. You'll just get in your car, say Birmingham, and it will take you
:12:26. > :12:30.there. Can you get in this car and say other towns as well? The lead
:12:31. > :12:35.only stretches as far as Birmingham. How does it actually work? It's very
:12:36. > :12:39.complicated. You want to know EXACTLY how it works?! Yes, because
:12:40. > :12:43.I don't believe it. Cars will talk to each other, so if you are on a
:12:44. > :12:47.motorway and you come off and there is a pile-up round the corner, your
:12:48. > :12:51.car will be told there's a pile-up by the other cars that are in that
:12:52. > :12:56.pile-up. How they got the pile-up in the first place, I have no idea.
:12:57. > :12:59.Somebody switched it off. Could you play a driving simulator while
:13:00. > :13:05.you're driving? Yeah, absolutely. You can pretend you're driving to
:13:06. > :13:08.somewhere more interesting. You can put that across your windscreen.
:13:09. > :13:11.There are driverless cars now already, aren't there? I saw a few
:13:12. > :13:15.parked outside earlier. This is the HS2 bill. One leading Tory rebel is
:13:16. > :13:19.Michael Fabricant. Always keen to do his bit for the environment. For a
:13:20. > :13:23.start, he has at least three species of woodland bird nesting in his
:13:24. > :13:27.hair. And so to Round Two and it's a
:13:28. > :13:29.welcome return of the Have I Got News For You Wheel Of News. And
:13:30. > :13:42.here's the first spin. George Clooney is getting married.
:13:43. > :13:46.And that's become a news item on this show. He's the first man to get
:13:47. > :13:51.married in America since 1968, I think. It's been a long, long time.
:13:52. > :13:57.A very long time. George Clooney is getting married to British lawyer
:13:58. > :14:01.Amal Alamuddin. Lovely. Amal Alamuddin, I think is how you
:14:02. > :14:05.pronounce it. Not one of those names you should say when you're rubbing a
:14:06. > :14:22.lamp. No, no, no. Or maybe you should? Rubbing a lamb? A lamb? Amal
:14:23. > :14:25.Alamuddin. No, that was racist. I imposed an accent on that and I'd
:14:26. > :14:29.like to withdraw the accident I put on. It was wrong. Just say you were
:14:30. > :14:32.doing an impression of Jeremy Clarkson and you'll get away with
:14:33. > :14:36.it. How does the world's media think that they may know this? They went
:14:37. > :14:41.out for dinner in LA, I think, with a couple of other celebrities. Ethel
:14:42. > :14:45.Merman and Ken Dodd? Oh, who was it? I should remember because they were
:14:46. > :14:51.quite a funny couple. You're not confusing this with Oceans 11, are
:14:52. > :14:56.you? A reporter was there and they went look at her ring and whatnot.
:14:57. > :15:01.Ring. Ring, yes. But it's an amazing ring. It produces coffee. You just
:15:02. > :15:11.press it and outcomes this fantastic sort of cappuccino. I've seen the
:15:12. > :15:15.ad. He has been married before. I think the first marriage was dark,
:15:16. > :15:21.it was bitter, it was over in an instant.
:15:22. > :15:25.There's people complaining that he's off the market. Do people really
:15:26. > :15:28.care? It's like Prince Harry and his girlfriend splitting up. I find it
:15:29. > :15:31.very hard... Am I sociopathic or is it impossible to care about these
:15:32. > :15:37.bloody people you're never going to meet and their stupid bloody lives?
:15:38. > :15:49.That's right. According to the Mail: John Simpson must be gutted, mustn't
:15:50. > :15:53.he? Let's have a picture the Mail used
:15:54. > :15:59.to bring readers the news. Is his jumper going grey? What does that
:16:00. > :16:02.picture say to you? It says the cameras are on us. Look happy.
:16:03. > :16:16.According to the Mail: Shall we play the game of... Give us
:16:17. > :16:19.your look of someone who hates commitment. Bridget, the look of a
:16:20. > :16:25.man who hates commitment. You must have seen that look enough times.
:16:26. > :16:31.Come on. That was not necessary. Actually, I'm hitting them off with
:16:32. > :16:37.a shitty stick, Ian. Beating them off is the expression, isn't it? Is
:16:38. > :16:48.it? I imagine it is. Hitting is better. Give us your look of someone
:16:49. > :16:53.who hates commitment, Paul, please. Which new programme went to town
:16:54. > :16:56.with the story? Which new programme? Is this Good Morning Britain? It is.
:16:57. > :17:00.It landed with disappointing ratings, didn't it? They paid a lot
:17:01. > :17:04.of money for Susanna Reid to present it and people moaned that she was
:17:05. > :17:07.sitting behind a desk and they couldn't see her legs. And there
:17:08. > :17:11.were viewers saying it's like buying a Ferrari and keeping it in the
:17:12. > :17:14.garage. Who are these people who can't sit through television for ten
:17:15. > :17:22.minutes were trying to break into a bank? What's wrong with them?
:17:23. > :17:29.Did you manage to watch it, Bridget? The show? No, God no. You missed
:17:30. > :17:34.quite a big television moment. What did I miss? TV legend Andi Peters
:17:35. > :17:43.gets to host a mini format within the show called Wheel of Cash! Andi
:17:44. > :17:47.Peters was the Broom Cupboard, wasn't he? Wasn't he Edd the Duck? I
:17:48. > :17:53.don't know, was he? Yeah. Yeah, he was in the Broom Cupboard, remember?
:17:54. > :18:02.Not a safe place to be in the BBC in the 1980s.
:18:03. > :18:05.This is the news that George Clooney is getting engaged to barrister Amal
:18:06. > :18:09.Alamuddin. He wanted to keep it out of the papers but for some reason
:18:10. > :18:17.Max Clifford wasn't returning his calls. So here is the next spin.
:18:18. > :18:25.No! George Clooney is getting married. BBC dumbs down. Repeats
:18:26. > :18:36.happen every seven minutes these days. That's in yellow. Yeah. It's
:18:37. > :18:39.Bernie Ecclestone. It is the news that Bernie Ecclestone could have
:18:40. > :18:42.pulled off one of the biggest tax dodges in history. Here is Bernie
:18:43. > :18:46.and his ex-wife Slavika. There they are. So why did she end up paying
:18:47. > :18:51.him huge sums of money after they divorced? She ended up paying him?
:18:52. > :18:57.She ended up paying him. Why was that? Are all his business interests
:18:58. > :19:01.in her name? She has been paying him $100 million a year. It's either the
:19:02. > :19:06.most amicable divorce in the history of human beings or it stinks. Yes, I
:19:07. > :19:09.have to stop you there. We can't actually legally go into too much
:19:10. > :19:18.detail on how he did this, is alleged to have done this tax dodge
:19:19. > :19:22.in case Jimmy Carr is watching. He did a deal with HMRC, customs over
:19:23. > :19:26.here, so he paid a very, very small amount of tax and he settled. It was
:19:27. > :19:30.like Vodafone and all these other companies. It's one of these very
:19:31. > :19:34.bizarre deals wherethe more tax you owe, the less you pay. I should
:19:35. > :19:40.point out it's his wife's trust that settled with the Revenue, not Bernie
:19:41. > :19:44.Ecclestone. And we know his wife isn't him in a wig. Where are Mr
:19:45. > :19:49.Ecclestone's tax affairs under scrutiny? Germany. You were right in
:19:50. > :19:53.there before I even asked the question. It is sub judice. Or as
:19:54. > :19:58.they say in Germany... GERMAN ACCENT: Sub judice. I don't know why
:19:59. > :20:04.I did that. This is in German courtroom. There we are. And he is
:20:05. > :20:08.charged with giving a German banker a ?27 million bribe, in this case,
:20:09. > :20:14.he could be facing ten years in jail. Well, let's be honest, life.
:20:15. > :20:19.He might get a long stretch while he's in there as well. And here he
:20:20. > :20:25.is, trying to get into the courtroom. AS MURRAY WALKER: There
:20:26. > :20:34.he goes, in the revolving door, round and round!
:20:35. > :20:44.Here we go with the next spin. Yeah? ET and Max Clifford, really, there's
:20:45. > :20:52.a link there, is there? No wonder he wanted to go home. Max Clifford, big
:20:53. > :20:55.name in PR, the Paedophile Register. Yes. Earlier this week, the
:20:56. > :20:58.publicist Max Clifford was found guilty of eight counts of indecent
:20:59. > :21:03.assault, or as he's spinning it, fewer than ten. What is Max Clifford
:21:04. > :21:07.threatening to do now? Gets the judge a role in the Bill? Only if
:21:08. > :21:14.he's a good judge. Yes, very good judge. Is he threatening to name
:21:15. > :21:17.names? Yeah, basically, that's right, he's going to write a
:21:18. > :21:21.kiss-and-tell book in prison. He said, "You wouldn't believe the
:21:22. > :21:27.story I could tell." Yeah, that's right, you wouldn't. Having lied to
:21:28. > :21:31.the jury, erm... Yeah, he couldn't tell it in court, could he? I can't
:21:32. > :21:37.think of anything sort of funny to say about him. No, no, that's
:21:38. > :21:40.rapists for you. Time now for the odd-one-out round, and it's one
:21:41. > :21:43.between all of you this week, so fingers and buzzers. Adolf Hitler, a
:21:44. > :21:49.walrus, Jeremy Paxman, and Major General Ambrose Burnside. And that
:21:50. > :21:53.was Ian and Bridget. It's facial hair or beards. Hitler, moustache.
:21:54. > :21:57.He had a moustache. Definitely. Walrus, moustache. Yeah, he...
:21:58. > :22:02.They've all got moustaches, except Paxman, who had a beard! I think you
:22:03. > :22:08.know this show better than that. What kind of moustache did Hitler
:22:09. > :22:12.have? He had a Hitler moustache. That's exactly what I wanted you to
:22:13. > :22:15.say. No, Hitler moustache, so why would that be a good clue? So does
:22:16. > :22:20.this walrus have a walrus moustache? Ah-ha, here we go so... And what did
:22:21. > :22:26.you say his name was? Burnside, he was... Oh, so sideburns. Brilliant!
:22:27. > :22:29.That's exactly it. Did they reverse his name? So who's the odd one out?
:22:30. > :22:33.Paxman, because no-one refers to a beard as a Paxman. That's right,
:22:34. > :22:40.they don't, that's exactly it, well done. Yeah, they've all given a name
:22:41. > :22:43.to a type of facial hair, apart from Jeremy Paxman, who has quit
:22:44. > :22:46.Newsnight to perform a one-man show about his beard. Book early! A
:22:47. > :22:54.clean-shaven Jeremy Paxman will sneer about pognophobia, you know
:22:55. > :23:00.what it is precisely. Fear of beards. A fear of beards or a
:23:01. > :23:06.beard-like structure. What happens if you're a pognophobic and you're
:23:07. > :23:12.trapped somewhere without razors? Jack, can we just be very, very
:23:13. > :23:17.careful? Yeah, yeah, that's good, yeah. That's quite a structure! If
:23:18. > :23:24.you were worried where they buried the WMDs... Yes, yeah, so it's...
:23:25. > :23:29.I'm just glad that WG Grace is still alive. Good to see you! Are we doing
:23:30. > :23:32.a round on beard lengths now? It's the best bit of the show! It's
:23:33. > :23:35.probably shouldn't be a surprise that Paxman is giving up doing
:23:36. > :23:38.Newsnight, the signs have been there for a while. That's all from
:23:39. > :23:41.Newsnight tonight. Martha is being punished for some offence in a
:23:42. > :23:44.previous life by presenting tomorrow's programme. In the
:23:45. > :23:47.meantime, it's all available again on the website, along with our
:23:48. > :23:51.editor's pathetic pleas for you to send us your old bits of home movie
:23:52. > :23:57.and the like so we can become the BBC's version of Animals Do The
:23:58. > :24:01.Funniest Things. Good night. It's like an art installation where
:24:02. > :24:06.a depressed man is in a glass box talking only to evasive liars he
:24:07. > :24:10.hates. Another Jeremy has been in the news.
:24:11. > :24:15.Oh, Jeremy Clarkson. Yes, do you know what for? One of the papers had
:24:16. > :24:17.a story today on the front page about him saying something he
:24:18. > :24:22.shouldn't have said. The Mirror claim that he used the N-word, the
:24:23. > :24:26.N-word. But wasn't it in the context of Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe? It was in
:24:27. > :24:33.that context, and no-one knows why he had to mention Nick Clegg in that
:24:34. > :24:39.way. And obviously Adolf Hitler, the Fuhrer gave his name to a moustache.
:24:40. > :24:43.Can I just point out I don't call him the Fuhrer? It's written there.
:24:44. > :24:52.Sorry, it's there. I know I've gone a bit over the top. You're only
:24:53. > :24:55.following orders. The most recent German leader to
:24:56. > :24:57.sport a Hitler moustache. Angela Merkel, who was slightly
:24:58. > :25:00.unfortunately given one by the shadow of Israeli Prime Minister
:25:01. > :25:10.Benjamin Netanyahu's finger. There it is. According to Wikipedia, adult
:25:11. > :25:17.walruses are easily recognised by their whiskers. And the fact that
:25:18. > :25:19.they are bloody great walruses. Jeremy Paxman this week announced
:25:20. > :25:28.that he was quitting Newsnight, saying he was... What, the minute
:25:29. > :25:31.Newsnight starts? Time now for the missing-words round, which this week
:25:32. > :25:35.features, as its guest publication, Packaging Scotland. Or as we'll be
:25:36. > :25:36.calling it very soon, one of those poncey foreign magazines. We start
:25:37. > :25:50.with... I love this package, its design is
:25:51. > :25:56.the best I've ever seen. You're not far off, really. I love this box.
:25:57. > :26:06.Hmm. Its bevelled edge is the best I've ever seen. Lid!
:26:07. > :26:11.It's for the M beetroot range. The resealable lid is a boon to the
:26:12. > :26:14.Scots, cos you can simply take the top off and scream, "Ah, we've
:26:15. > :26:18.bought vegetables," close the lid and take it back to the shop. Why is
:26:19. > :26:29.this programme deliberately trying to lose the referendum?! Next...
:26:30. > :26:41.Whisky! All of humankind. Is it Sir Bruce Forsyth? The answer is... 200g
:26:42. > :26:45.of chopped pork and ham in a plastic tub. All I'd say, gents, don't make
:26:46. > :26:56.it her main present. And finally... Alcohol! Cirrhosis of the liver!
:26:57. > :27:12.It's actually... Here he is there, this is the chap.
:27:13. > :27:16.He's a lookalike. Is that real? It was real about the bar, yes, the
:27:17. > :27:19.whole bar is themed around Bin Laden. What, and his consumption of
:27:20. > :27:29.alcohol? Yes. He famously liked a drink, yeah. Oddbin Laden.
:27:30. > :27:32.So the final scores are Bridget and Ian have four, and Paul and Charlie
:27:33. > :27:44.have six. No! On which note we say thank you to
:27:45. > :27:47.our panellists, Ian Hislop and Bridget Christie, Paul Merton and
:27:48. > :27:51.Charlie Brooker. And I leave you with news that at a courtroom in
:27:52. > :27:58.Germany the clerk fetches the specially prepared Bible for Bernie
:27:59. > :28:01.Ecclestone to swear on. In Uzbekistan, an artist condemned to
:28:02. > :28:10.death for his decadent western surrealism is allowed to choose the
:28:11. > :28:13.means of his own execution. And following this week's Tube strike in
:28:14. > :28:15.London, a scheme is unveiled to increase the number of bike racks.
:28:16. > :29:18.Good night. Part of the Big Bumper Comedy
:29:19. > :29:19.50th Birthday Weekend.