0:00:02 > 0:00:03I was going to say, "Good luck, David."
0:00:03 > 0:00:06Then I thought, "No. That sounds like a slightly dodgy African president."
0:00:06 > 0:00:08LAUGHTER
0:00:08 > 0:00:10"Goodluck David."
0:00:37 > 0:00:43APPLAUSE
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52I'm David Mitchell.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53In the news this week...
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Enjoying his newfound freedom on a US road trip, Prince Harry
0:00:57 > 0:01:00suddenly senses Cressida Bonas may not be over him.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10As BBC Look North West move into smaller premises,
0:01:10 > 0:01:12they deny that their decision to place the news
0:01:12 > 0:01:14studio in a lift was a mistake.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17In a statement, the panel said it welcomed the apology,
0:01:17 > 0:01:21but said some of the financial costs could have been avoided.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28And as the BBC is criticises for giving Nigel Farage too much
0:01:28 > 0:01:31air time, it devises a new strategy to ensure balance.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34I think you guys are doing a very good job at trying to trivialise
0:01:34 > 0:01:35and demonise everything we do.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38The fact is we're fighting a national election campaign here
0:01:38 > 0:01:40on the issue...
0:01:40 > 0:01:43On Ian's team tonight is a comedy writer
0:01:43 > 0:01:46and performer whose full name is Andrew Neil Hamilton,
0:01:46 > 0:01:49but if you're hoping for a combination and Andrew Neil
0:01:49 > 0:01:53and Neil Hamilton, then what sort of person are you?
0:01:53 > 0:01:57- Please welcome Andy Hamilton. - APPLAUSE
0:02:02 > 0:02:05And with Paul tonight is an award-winning comedian who
0:02:05 > 0:02:09says she makes no apology for being pessimistic and negative.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12And anyway, even if she did, it would be utterly pointless.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16- Please welcome Susan Calman. - APPLAUSE
0:02:18 > 0:02:22I must get rid of that pen. Just looking at my shirt.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Look, it's a white shirt.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Paul and Susan, take a look at this.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Ah, yes, it's very windy at the calendar factory.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38- That's...- Ed Miliband.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Ed Miliband with Johann Lamont, just strolling the streets of Scotland.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Ah, is that what he's doing? In his perfectly natural manner, yes.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- Very relaxed. Very casual. - Ah, yes...
0:02:47 > 0:02:50This still works, does it? Politicians holding babies?
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- Erm...- Oh. - There was a pre-baby - an egg...
0:02:54 > 0:02:56hitting Nigel Farage in the chops.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59And there's a very happy man looking forward to the current
0:02:59 > 0:03:01election coming up in Europe.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Loneliest man in the world.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- It's a year till the General Election.- Yes.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Now the excitement can really begin.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12This is when Ed Miliband, we've thought that he was a useless man,
0:03:12 > 0:03:15but like a caged panther, he will now pounce.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Only if they let him out the cage, which seems unlikely.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23The metaphorical cage of his own presentational failures.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Yes, this is the grim realisation that there's still a whole year
0:03:30 > 0:03:31until the next General Election,
0:03:31 > 0:03:34even though there's a sort of methadone election that
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- no-one really cares about sooner than that.- Oh...
0:03:37 > 0:03:39I did not mean by "methadone election"
0:03:39 > 0:03:43these Scottish independence vote, by the way. I have no idea...
0:03:43 > 0:03:44I was just wondering if...
0:03:44 > 0:03:47It's quite early, but let's start now, David, shall we?
0:03:47 > 0:03:51No, I was saying... I was merely saying that a European Election
0:03:51 > 0:03:54is like the methadone to the full smack of a General Election.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58The reason they're starting electioneering is
0:03:58 > 0:04:00because there's no business in the House of Commons.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02The coalition's got nothing else to do.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05It's not as though there are any problems in the country.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07There are no bills, they couldn't think what to put
0:04:07 > 0:04:08in the Queen's speech,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11so they thought, "Let's go out electioneering."
0:04:11 > 0:04:14So that's what you've got - babies, eggs, Miliband.
0:04:15 > 0:04:20But what has been doing in terms of presentation? What's he been up to?
0:04:20 > 0:04:24Oh... He said that he was more intellectually self confident
0:04:24 > 0:04:27than Cameron, which is, I mean...
0:04:27 > 0:04:32In my experience, self confident people tend not to go around saying
0:04:32 > 0:04:34how self confident they are.
0:04:34 > 0:04:39- And they don't usually say, "I think", afterwards.- Er...
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Saying that you're cleverer than David Cameron
0:04:42 > 0:04:44is not setting the bar very high.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Cameron got a better degree than he did.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49But in politics. That's like embroidery, isn't it?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52LAUGHTER
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Come on!
0:04:55 > 0:04:59It's not a proper subject, you know.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01So what was your subject?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Well, I don't see how that's any of your business.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09You're quite right. Ed Miliband said in an interview this week...
0:05:17 > 0:05:20For this interview, according to the Mail...
0:05:24 > 0:05:25And...
0:05:25 > 0:05:27LAUGHTER
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Do you know? That's like a photograph you'd see on Grindr.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Please would you like to inform the court what "Grindr" is exactly?
0:05:39 > 0:05:43It's for gentlemen to find other gentlemen in your area.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46That looks like he's saying, "There's a space here for you."
0:05:48 > 0:05:50There's a photo that could be improved
0:05:50 > 0:05:51by the presence of a kestrel.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- Undoubtedly. - Maybe...
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Maybe there was a kestrel and they painted it out.
0:06:00 > 0:06:05Maybe... "You know what? The kestrel's too much."
0:06:05 > 0:06:06People keep looking at the kestrel.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10There was probably a row of birds of prey all along...
0:06:10 > 0:06:12All along that arm.
0:06:12 > 0:06:17All wearing little a T-shirt - "Don't vote UKIP."
0:06:17 > 0:06:20What does Ed say keeps his ambition in check?
0:06:20 > 0:06:21The ghost of his brother.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27His wife Justine.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29- Oh.- Yes.- He says...
0:06:33 > 0:06:36That's very romantic.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38"Darling, you're such a good corrective."
0:06:38 > 0:06:41He calls her Tipp-Ex in bed.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45- He's released a Party Political Broadcast. Have you seen that?- Hmm.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48It's a spoof of a 1950s film.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52That's going to get the young people...out there in droves.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I did watch the Labour one
0:06:54 > 0:06:58and it ended with another motto with no verb in about hardworking people.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04That just makes no sense at all.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05It's like Yoda's written that.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10AS YODA: "Hardworking Britain better off."
0:07:10 > 0:07:11What about people like me?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Do bone idle people not get represented
0:07:16 > 0:07:18after the...next election?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20We're quite an important demographic.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22If Labour brought out a poster that said,
0:07:22 > 0:07:27"Vote Labour. We won't expect too much of you."
0:07:27 > 0:07:31- If they set the bar as low as possible then I'm never disappointed,
0:07:31 > 0:07:34and they're never disappointed in me as a voter.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Settle for Labour.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43They're not New Labour any more - I hadn't noticed that.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- They're going to rebrand.- Yeah. Labour.- Labour Classic.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50They couldn't call themselves New Labour when Blair left.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52It's like when Mike Nolan left Bucks Fizz.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55They couldn't call themselves Bucks Fizz any more.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Labour could go with Bucks Fizz.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Champagne socialists, but slightly diluted with orange juice.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05And the Lib Dems. What are they?
0:08:05 > 0:08:09I think they're going to sit this election out. It's probably...
0:08:09 > 0:08:12They've got a note from their mother.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14I think they'll play the sympathy vote to a certain extent,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17just have Nick Clegg topless holding a puppy
0:08:17 > 0:08:19just looking into the camera like that...
0:08:19 > 0:08:21SUSAN MOUTHS
0:08:21 > 0:08:24According to The Sunday Times, what has David Cameron decided to do?
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Resign.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27- No.- Go on holiday.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29No, this is about the TV debate.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32He's going to debate with Nigel Farage.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35He's going for the toughest one first.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38That's right. Cameron is going to take on Farage.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41According to The Sunday Times, Cameron wants the TV debates
0:08:41 > 0:08:43to be in...
0:08:44 > 0:08:48So, that's Cameron-Miliband, Clegg-Miliband-Cameron,
0:08:48 > 0:08:53and Farage-Cameron-Clegg-Miliband with Yaya Toure behind the strikers.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58Thank you for laughing, I don't know what that meant.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00And does anyone want to see a television debate in Jordan?
0:09:00 > 0:09:04- Oh, yes.- Yes, please. - Well, let's have a look.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07MEN SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER IN OWN LANGUAGE
0:09:27 > 0:09:30That's what you want to see on Question Time.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34I was just wondering how well this set will stand up to that
0:09:34 > 0:09:36amount of anger.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Well, we got the replacement for Paxman.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- I loved the way they ended up holding it like a giant tray.- Yeah.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46The giant bit from a box of tissues, at the top.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Maybe they're arguing about the furniture.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54"I'm telling you this is cheap tat."
0:09:58 > 0:10:00And what has the Daily Mail columnist,
0:10:00 > 0:10:02and wife of Michael Gove, Sarah Vine
0:10:02 > 0:10:05suggested Cameron should do as a way of winning the next election?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Listen to his wife.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11The disgusting-sounding thing called the Samantha smell test.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14She said that Cameron should put all policies in front
0:10:14 > 0:10:17of Samantha Cameron because she's had such great judgment.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21But if she had such great judgment, would she be Mrs Cameron?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26It's absolutely right. "Any policy must pass the..."
0:10:28 > 0:10:29- Isn't that when Samantha goes... - HE SNIFFS
0:10:29 > 0:10:32..is that Rebekah Brooks' perfume?
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Yes, this is the news that, with a year to go
0:10:38 > 0:10:41until the general election, Ed Miliband has struck an early blow
0:10:41 > 0:10:44against David Cameron by announcing...
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Well, if there's one thing all the polls tell us,
0:10:49 > 0:10:52it's that the British public love a smug prick.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57According to The Times...
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Well, what she actually says is, "Stop pestering me, Ed.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06"I don't know how I'm going to vote yet."
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Ian and Andy, take a look at this.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- Ooh.- They're sciencing. - Yeah, look.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16ANDY LAUGHS EVILLY
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Liquid danger.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- Oh, that's the Chancellor.- Yeah.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21He's going to take a very close look.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23"Ooh, signs of growth."
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Oh, there's Pfizer!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29A p-fabulous company.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32- Oh.- Gosh, he looks sad, doesn't he?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34"My name is Vince Cable
0:11:34 > 0:11:37"and I'm here to share my feelings with the group."
0:11:40 > 0:11:45It's the takeover, proposed, of AstraZeneca by Pfizer.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49They're an American company and it's quite an alarming prospect
0:11:49 > 0:11:52because they have a history of asset-stripping.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57MPs won't want to get the wrong side of Pfizer because Pfizer make Viagra.
0:11:57 > 0:12:03And they've got lots of young researchers to keep happy so...
0:12:03 > 0:12:07Are you suggesting they get Viagra free?
0:12:07 > 0:12:13- If we keep saying Viagra enough times, we get a box-load.- Yeah.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Does it comes in boxes?
0:12:15 > 0:12:16I don't know.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Yeah, Pfizer's main interest is buying the company
0:12:23 > 0:12:28so that they can pretend they're based here for low tax purposes.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30You know, they'll put up a plaque above McDonald's
0:12:30 > 0:12:33somewhere in North London saying, "The Headquarters of Pfizer,"
0:12:33 > 0:12:36and then pay no tax cos it's a British company.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39I mean it's a real scam and Cable said,
0:12:39 > 0:12:42"Oh, we shouldn't be a tax haven, we should be a centre of knowledge.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45"But there's nothing I can do about it, I'm Business Secretary."
0:12:45 > 0:12:50Miliband accused Cameron of being a cheerleader for Pfizer.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- Give us a P.- You don't say the P.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Forget the P, they're taking it.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Meanwhile, why is the Government's new "Crystal Ball Unit"
0:13:00 > 0:13:02causing concern?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Have they fired Madame Arcati?
0:13:05 > 0:13:08This is a genuine unit, it was set up a year ago,
0:13:08 > 0:13:10employing four full-time officials.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12It's actually called...
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Set up to look into the future and identify future threats,
0:13:16 > 0:13:18risks and opportunities for the UK.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22- What's it spotted so far? - Eh, nothing.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Nothing is what it has spotted.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25Absolutely nothing.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27How do you get on this committee? Four people? Who are they?
0:13:27 > 0:13:32- I think they're just sitting there counting their blessings.- Yes.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34"I wonder how long this will last."
0:13:34 > 0:13:36And going, "I have no idea."
0:13:41 > 0:13:43In other technology news,
0:13:43 > 0:13:47what has the Ministry of Defence decided to buy 48 of?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Is it guns?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- Double our armed forces.- No.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53Is it white flags?
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Can you mime it?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Are these the fighter planes?
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Yes, the F-35 Strike Fighter stealth jets.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Well, you could have mimed that, couldn't you?
0:14:04 > 0:14:08No, you can't see them, they're stealth.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11How do we know we've bought them then?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Some guy indicates an empty hangar. "Yes, that will be lovely.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15"How many of them? 28? Here we are.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18"I can't find the keys."
0:14:18 > 0:14:21It's not Vince Cable again, is it? Is it Vince Cable?
0:14:23 > 0:14:28The thing is, you say that about them but despite having cost £1.3bn
0:14:28 > 0:14:32to develop, do you know what the problem with this stealth jet is?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- It doesn't work.- You can see it. - Well, according to the...
0:14:35 > 0:14:39- It was only the phonebox.- It's very clumsy, it makes a lot of noise.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41According to the Mail on Sunday...
0:14:45 > 0:14:49Its invisibility rating is categorised as...
0:14:50 > 0:14:52..or VLO for short
0:14:52 > 0:14:56although that can now be shortened even further to just O.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01This is Pfizer's hostile takeover of AstraZeneca.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04That will come as news to George Bush, because AstraZeneca was
0:15:04 > 0:15:06top of his list of countries to invade before he left office.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10According to the Daily Mail, the drug company merger would...
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Or as Pfizer put it, in very small print,
0:15:17 > 0:15:19"May cause side effects."
0:15:20 > 0:15:24And so to Round Two - The Picture Spin Quiz.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- BUZZER - Yes, Ian and Andy?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Are you not allowed to cheat in exams any more?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38This was a sign that was put up in an examination hall.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40It said, "No cheating", you know?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Just telling people, "Don't cheat in the exam."
0:15:43 > 0:15:47But the formulae written on the hand is actually genuine stuff,
0:15:47 > 0:15:49and so they were able to look at the poster...
0:15:49 > 0:15:52and answer some of the mathematical questions
0:15:52 > 0:15:54based on what was written on the poster.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56- Is that right? - That is absolutely right.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Yes, this is the news that Plymouth University has had to
0:16:02 > 0:16:05take down anti-cheating posters as they were helping students to cheat.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08In other mistake news,
0:16:08 > 0:16:12why have Google been suffering from rogue anuses?
0:16:12 > 0:16:16Oh, yes! Yes! Yes, this is...
0:16:16 > 0:16:18"Yes! Yes!"
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24There's a computer programme which misreads old print,
0:16:24 > 0:16:27so "arms" comes out as "anus". So, "Farewell to anus..."
0:16:27 > 0:16:30"I draped my anus across her shoulder in a comforting manner..."
0:16:30 > 0:16:33This is what's happening. This is what's happening.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35It sounds as if I'm making it up, but I'm not, am I, David?
0:16:35 > 0:16:36You're not making it up.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39The scanning television they used to turn books into eBooks
0:16:39 > 0:16:43can't differentiate between "arms" and "anus" in certain typefaces.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Here's a quote from John Mackay Wilson's
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Tales Of The Borders...
0:17:01 > 0:17:05From Georgina Bragg's Matisse On The Loose...
0:17:12 > 0:17:14And in The Complete Works Of Washington Irving,
0:17:14 > 0:17:16there's a reference to...
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Are there any other words that Google Book's
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- scanning technology has confused? - Yeah, it can't do "tax".
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Yes, it reads "tax" as "free".
0:17:32 > 0:17:36No, it's "burn" and "bum" get muddled up, as well.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40As in a patent for a carrier for an integrated circuit that talks of...
0:17:43 > 0:17:46God. Scotland, what happens? It's Bum's Night?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Where they all join anuses and sing Auld Lang Syne?
0:18:01 > 0:18:04It's not just Google who forget to check that words are right.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Has anyone seen any mistakes on the BBC recently?
0:18:08 > 0:18:09No, not one.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Here's one, for a start.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19And here's another one...
0:18:25 > 0:18:27And here's another one...
0:18:31 > 0:18:34And, finally, this one may not be a mistake,
0:18:34 > 0:18:36this may just be honest captioning.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38"Nobody cares."
0:18:40 > 0:18:43This is Plymouth University's "No Cheating" poster
0:18:43 > 0:18:45which helped students to cheat.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47The poster features formulae used to calculate
0:18:47 > 0:18:49infinitesimally small probabilities -
0:18:49 > 0:18:52for instance, the probability of getting a job
0:18:52 > 0:18:54with a degree from Plymouth University.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Also in the news, it's new digitising software
0:18:57 > 0:19:00which can't tell the difference between "arms" and "anus".
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Neither can Nigel Evans after a few pints.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04AUDIENCE OOHS
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Arm wrestling match?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16BUZZER
0:19:16 > 0:19:20- Yes?- Salmon being sold as Scottish salmon which aren't.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24They've been passing off... Is it Norwegian?
0:19:24 > 0:19:28You're absolutely right. It's both Norwegian salmon and Chilean salmon.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Which I've never heard of.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33But they've been passed off as Scottish salmon, it is alleged.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Is there an essential difference between these salmons
0:19:36 > 0:19:38- that we would tell? - Yes.- What is that?
0:19:38 > 0:19:42- The Scottish salmon are from Scotland and the other ones are not.- I see.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43After independence, will the salmon
0:19:43 > 0:19:46returning to its spawning ground need a passport
0:19:46 > 0:19:49if the river is the wrong side of the border?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Do you get those waterproof bags to put...
0:19:51 > 0:19:54If you go, like, swimming, like hardcore swimming, like...eh...
0:19:54 > 0:19:57That you get these waterproof bags, so your wallet's inside,
0:19:57 > 0:19:59so all the salmon would have to have like a backpack...
0:19:59 > 0:20:02So, that's what's going to happen if Scotland's independent.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04They get you to blow the national budget
0:20:04 > 0:20:06on loads of backpacks for salmon.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11The salmon don't just swim in Scotland, do they?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13They swim across the world, don't they?
0:20:13 > 0:20:14They do, yes.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16ANDY: So lots of countries could claim them?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19SUSAN: Yes, but they can't claim they're Scottish.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21I don't think many salmon one year swim up a river
0:20:21 > 0:20:24in Scotland to spawn and then say, "Next year, how about Chile?"
0:20:24 > 0:20:29- No, but...- They might do if they want to get rid of the backpacks.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32How have the Chilean salmon been passed off as Scottish?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Put them in kilts.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Put in packets marked "Produce of Scotland".
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Bang on.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41The St James Smokehouse deny this.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44They say they're just selling Scottish salmon.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45According to The Herald...
0:20:49 > 0:20:51..as you have to pay for the batter.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Does anyone want to see an extract from a French cookery programme?
0:20:58 > 0:20:59- Mmm!- Yes, please!- May oui?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Unfortunately, no-one noticed the cat.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04NARRATOR SPEAKS FRENCH
0:21:18 > 0:21:21That might be a gong to indicate dinner is served.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Nobody noticed.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Yeah, you dubbed that noise on, didn't you?
0:21:25 > 0:21:28They didn't notice, you must have dubbed the noise on.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30This is the court case over fake Scottish salmon.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34The Scottish origins of any fish are all a question of perception.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36After all, a salmon from Chile has spent about
0:21:36 > 0:21:39as much of its life in Scotland as Sean Connery has.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47It's one between you this week. Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48Your four are...
0:21:48 > 0:21:49Albert Einstein
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Michelangelo's David
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Pinocchio
0:21:53 > 0:21:54and Achilles.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55BUZZER
0:21:55 > 0:21:57- Yes?- Michelangelo's David,
0:21:57 > 0:21:59or Da-veed or whatever it is, that's cracking up a bit.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02It needs repairing. It's beginning to sort of, like,
0:22:02 > 0:22:03disintegrate slightly.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07And that is Brad Pitt, isn't it? But it's Achilles the God.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09He obviously had an Achilles heel so that a sort of weakness.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12It's a weakness in the leg. Pinocchio had weak legs
0:22:12 > 0:22:15cos they were made of wood and Albert Einstein's the odd one out.
0:22:16 > 0:22:17I bet that's right.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20You're in the right area but that's not the right odd one out.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23No, I didn't think it was. I ran out of thoughts on that one.
0:22:23 > 0:22:28There was a study that said Pinocchio could only have told 13 lies
0:22:28 > 0:22:30and then he'd have fallen over.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33It's about them all having a problem with a part of their body.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Albert Einstein, was he very short-sighted?
0:22:35 > 0:22:37- No, it can't be that. - It's not to do with that.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39- Was it his ankle? - Just below his ankle.
0:22:39 > 0:22:44- Oh, right.- His toes. His big toes.- Heel.- His foot.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46LAUGHTER
0:22:46 > 0:22:50- Einstein's foot.- Albert Einstein's foot.- Yeah.- And Achilles'...- Heel.
0:22:50 > 0:22:55- ..foot.- Michelangelo's leg, the big calf. Pinocchio's nose.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56So the odd one out...
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- Pinocchio.- That's right. Well done.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01APPLAUSE
0:23:05 > 0:23:08They all have a problem with their feet, apart from Pinocchio
0:23:08 > 0:23:11who, it has just been discovered, has a problem with his head.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Researchers at the University of Leicester have discovered
0:23:14 > 0:23:19Pinocchio would only have been able to tell 13 lies before his neck
0:23:19 > 0:23:21snapped under the weight of his nose.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Oh, is that because he's fictional?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Another study, the same students have done, was...
0:23:35 > 0:23:41- So...- Does he?- No.- I think Tigger might be bipolar.- Oh, definitely.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44According to Homer's Iliad, Achilles was the Greeks' greatest warrior
0:23:44 > 0:23:47during the Trojan War and was invulnerable save for his heel.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50You can see what a great actor Brad Pitt is there cos, look,
0:23:50 > 0:23:53he looks like Achilles there and he was that black newsreader earlier.
0:23:54 > 0:23:59- Fantastic.- He's got real range, hasn't he?- And Einstein...
0:23:59 > 0:24:03- Yes, Einstein.- Do you know what the thing with him was...?
0:24:03 > 0:24:04He had a slight limp.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- He had fallen arches.- Polio.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09He had flat and sweaty feet,
0:24:09 > 0:24:13for which reason he was rejected by the Swiss military.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Pinocchio's creator Geppetto was a lonely old man who
0:24:16 > 0:24:19longed for a little boy to play with so he made one out of wood.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21I don't know what wood.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Yewtree?
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Scientists in Florence have warned that
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Michelangelo's David has weak ankles.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Don't worry, David, no-one's looking at your ankles,
0:24:31 > 0:24:33they're looking at your tiny cock...
0:24:34 > 0:24:37..is what they used to say to me at school.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38LAUGHTER
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Oh!
0:24:41 > 0:24:43SUSAN LAUGHS
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Wasn't it part of the school song?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Several tourists who've been to see Michelangelo's David have
0:24:53 > 0:24:56noticed a large crack. But only when they wandered round the back.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58I knew that was coming.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Time now for the missing words round, which features, this week
0:25:01 > 0:25:04as its guest publication, Chimney Journal.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08I must warn you, there's some really filthy stuff inside.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10And we start with...
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Is it "deny all charges"?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18It is simply...
0:25:21 > 0:25:23We knew that.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27This is from an advert for chimney pots which are available in...
0:25:29 > 0:25:30Feel free to Google.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Next...
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Sat nav.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Eamonn Holmes.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44ANDY: Is it Radio 5?
0:25:44 > 0:25:47It's Radio 5. That is correct.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- That's brilliant.- No, it's not. I just read the paper.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51LAUGHTER
0:25:51 > 0:25:52I must try that.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Electromagnetic noise from AM broadcast signals could be
0:25:55 > 0:25:57disrupting the migratory flight path of birds.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00This may sound like a flimsy excuse
0:26:00 > 0:26:02to ban Nicky Campbell's 5 Live Breakfast Show
0:26:02 > 0:26:04but right now it's the best we've got.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Next...
0:26:09 > 0:26:11ANDY: Will not be allowed treatment on the NHS.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Will not be tolerated in UKIP.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Between you you've got it, really. It's...
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Oh, yes.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26And finally...
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Not attracting enough women.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38It's not just knobs, is it?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43SUSAN: Have lots of knobs.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45ANDY: They're all criminal offences.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46The answer is...
0:26:48 > 0:26:50A waste of time for eunuchs? No, sorry, go on.
0:26:58 > 0:27:03This is the knob-throwing contest and food festival in Cattistock.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05According to BBC News Online...
0:27:11 > 0:27:14What a sad day it is when the BBC gets a cheap laugh
0:27:14 > 0:27:15out of saying the word knob.
0:27:15 > 0:27:16SOME LAUGHTER
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Oh, dear, I was hoping for another one.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21So, the final scores are
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Ian and Andy had ten points
0:27:23 > 0:27:25and Susan and Paul have nine points.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27APPLAUSE
0:27:32 > 0:27:34On which note we say thank you to our panellists,
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Ian Hislop and Andy Hamilton,
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Paul Merton and Susan Calman,
0:27:37 > 0:27:40and I leave you with news that, in Bracknell,
0:27:40 > 0:27:42one disgruntled office worker
0:27:42 > 0:27:45is strangely reluctant to discuss his problem.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52The inventors congratulate themselves as they unveil
0:27:52 > 0:27:55the world's first animatronic football presenter.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05And after an arduous royal visit to Australia,
0:28:05 > 0:28:08the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge say goodbye to Nicholas Witchell.
0:28:12 > 0:28:13Good night.