0:00:26 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I'm Jo Brand.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43In the news this week,
0:00:43 > 0:00:47in Moscow on his drive-past at an anti-gay parade,
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Vladimir Putin wears a dangerously fetching cologne.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56LAUGHTER
0:00:56 > 0:00:59At a local laundry, Vince Cable suspects that staff
0:00:59 > 0:01:02may not be taking sufficient care of his underpants.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06LAUGHTER
0:01:08 > 0:01:12And as England's training for the World Cup begins,
0:01:12 > 0:01:17Roy Hodgson denies he's petrified of losing key players through injury.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20LAUGHTER
0:01:21 > 0:01:25On Ian's team tonight is a Tory MP who's supported
0:01:25 > 0:01:28the Conservative Party since the age of five.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Indeed, one of the proudest moments of his childhood
0:01:31 > 0:01:34was getting a Panini sticker of Willie Whitelaw.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Please welcome Jacob Rees-Mogg.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40APPLAUSE
0:01:42 > 0:01:44And with Paul tonight is a Scottish comedian
0:01:44 > 0:01:47who recently did a gig in a prison.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Still, the state of showbiz these days,
0:01:49 > 0:01:51that's just networking.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Please welcome Kevin Bridges.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56APPLAUSE
0:01:58 > 0:02:01And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Paul and Kevin, take a look at this.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Ah, yes, that's Gary Barlow a long time ago, when was fairly poor,
0:02:07 > 0:02:09and this is about tax, isn't it?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12He's had to pay tax which he hadn't paid before.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14That's his accountant, by the look of it.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17True, so it was his accountant.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Yes, it's about Gary Barlow... What's the polite way of putting it?
0:02:20 > 0:02:21- ..not paying tax.- Absolutely.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Along with Gary Barlow, anybody else related to...?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Other people in Take That, there were.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30- Indeed. Not all of them - Mark Owen and Howard Donald.- Yes.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- Jason Orange didn't.- Oh, I'm glad,
0:02:32 > 0:02:34cos he was the one I liked.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Plus their manager. Any idea who Take That's manager is?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Jacob.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- I'm afraid I don't know the answer to that question.- No.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47No, that's rather stumped me.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48His name's Jonathan Wild.
0:02:48 > 0:02:53Together, they put 66 million into a music investment scheme.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Anyone know what it was called?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- Iceberg?- Icebreaker.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00It's Icebreaker 2, The Taxman Cometh.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Ian, you're quite intelligent - how does the scheme work, do you know?
0:03:06 > 0:03:07It's very, very complex.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10You decide you're very rich and you don't want to pay any tax,
0:03:10 > 0:03:12and then you decide not to.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14LAUGHTER
0:03:14 > 0:03:19It was investing in young musicians and they lost 25.2 million.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22So who knows what they were teaching the young musicians?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24How to play a Steinway piano with a sledgehammer.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28It's got to arouse some suspicion.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30I think you back bands a bit like you
0:03:30 > 0:03:31and then they don't make any money
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- and then you get to keep the profit. - Oh, I see.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37- So Take That might be investing in somebody called Take This?- Yeah.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Or Don't Take This, it should be.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Anyone know who else signed up to the tax avoidance scheme?
0:03:43 > 0:03:44Terry Venables?
0:03:44 > 0:03:48- Indeed.- At least he's always presented himself as a bit dodgy,
0:03:48 > 0:03:50so...
0:03:50 > 0:03:54And Colin Jackson? How could he have made that kind of money...
0:03:54 > 0:03:56hurdling?
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Maybe he just invested a bit less,
0:03:57 > 0:04:00like 40 quid or something.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03He just seen it as being at the bookies,
0:04:03 > 0:04:04- thought he would...- Absolutely.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07That's probably sounder financial advice - 66 million?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Just stick it on a greyhound and if it comes in,
0:04:10 > 0:04:11you can pay your tax bill.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13If you won, it would be tax exempt,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15because gambling winnings are exempt from tax,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17so perhaps you've just designed a new tax avoidance scheme
0:04:17 > 0:04:20on Have I Got News For You. - Yes.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24I would just like to say, a very high-risk tax avoidance scheme.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27It could be a money avoidance scheme.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29The Prime Minister said that we shouldn't judge Mr Barlow
0:04:29 > 0:04:33too harshly and he shouldn't have to give back his OBE.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- I completely agree with the Prime Minister.- Do you?- Yes.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37LAUGHTER
0:04:37 > 0:04:39I find that hugely surprising.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43I always completely agree with the Prime Minister.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45He always says wise and good things and I think this was
0:04:45 > 0:04:47a particularly wise and good thing for him to say.
0:04:47 > 0:04:52But Gary Barlow was actually by far the biggest investor and apparently,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55when you've managed to avoid 20 million in tax, you do get a medal.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Oh, all right, it is his OBE
0:05:00 > 0:05:03and David Cameron doesn't think he should give it back. He said:
0:05:05 > 0:05:07LAUGHTER
0:05:07 > 0:05:10True, especially when it comes to not paying for its care homes,
0:05:10 > 0:05:11hospitals and schools.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Mr Barlow will have to pay all his tax, because the scheme didn't work.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Actually, for once, the tax system is working.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21This scheme fails and the tax is all due
0:05:21 > 0:05:24and now there's going to be tax paid of tens of millions of pounds on it,
0:05:24 > 0:05:28unlike the Jimmy Carr scheme, where no tax seems to have been collected.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31So, actually, for once, the tax system has worked efficiently.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Inadvertently.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36No! LAUGHTER
0:05:36 > 0:05:37I have to say, David Cameron went on:
0:05:42 > 0:05:44So was Jimmy Savile's.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46AUDIENCE GROANS
0:05:49 > 0:05:53The Royal Variety Show must have a pretty impressive alumni
0:05:53 > 0:05:56of tax dodgers and paedophiles by now.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58So does this show, if we're honest!
0:05:58 > 0:06:01LAUGHTER
0:06:01 > 0:06:04David Cameron in PMQs cleverly used some Take That lyrics
0:06:04 > 0:06:06when asked about Gary Barlow.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09I should really be doing Gilbert and Sullivan lyrics with you.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- It's a bit modern for me. - Oh, I do beg your pardon.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15If you did Greensleeves, that might be...
0:06:15 > 0:06:17OK. David Cameron actually said:
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- Do you know that song, Back For Good?- Yes.- No.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me the song and I'll sing it.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- Yes. - SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
0:06:27 > 0:06:30It continues. Thank you. A woman up the back there
0:06:30 > 0:06:32that couldn't get into Graham Norton this evening.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35LAUGHTER
0:06:35 > 0:06:37APPLAUSE
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Hardly a unique experience.
0:06:43 > 0:06:48What has David Cameron failed to do himself after more than two years?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51He hasn't paid any tax for two years? That can't be right.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- He's the Prime Minister.- He hasn't published his own tax returns,
0:06:54 > 0:06:56despite a promise that he would.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59According to the Independent, his official spokesman said:
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Yeah, and I'm committed to the principle
0:07:07 > 0:07:10of not eating three chunky Kit Kats in a row.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11LAUGHTER
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Don't mean it's going to happen, though, does it?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Have a little patience.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- Patience, that's a...- Card game?
0:07:23 > 0:07:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Well, it is a card game, but it's also a Take That song as well.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- Oh, I had no idea.- It's a Gilbert and Sullivan opera too!
0:07:33 > 0:07:35LAUGHTER
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Does anyone want to hear the exciting news on Cilla Black?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- What happened?- Well, have a look.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44The TV presenter Cilla Black is to be honoured with the TV bastard...
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Er, er, the TV Baftas in recognition
0:07:47 > 0:07:49of her outstanding contribution to entertainment.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53A TV bastard.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57This is the row over Gary Barlow,
0:07:57 > 0:08:00which has confirmed his status as a national treasure...
0:08:00 > 0:08:01thief.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Since his tax avoidance was revealed,
0:08:06 > 0:08:09there have been calls for Gary Barlow to return his OBE
0:08:09 > 0:08:11to the Queen. Quite right.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13After all, she's been dutifully paying her tax
0:08:13 > 0:08:16ever since she was 67.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21According to the Telegraph, for Take That to pay off their tax bill:
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Well, I say "world tour",
0:08:26 > 0:08:29it's 14 nights at the Cayman Islands Arena.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Some of the figures... It's, like, £4 billion goes offshore in the UK.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Just as well we brought in the bedroom tax,
0:08:36 > 0:08:39or the country could have been in a pretty bad way.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41HE TUTS
0:08:41 > 0:08:43LAUGHTER
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- I'm obviously trying to be ironic there, I'm not...- Of course.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48Jacob's sitting there nodding.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Ian and Jacob, take a look at this.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Well, these are zombies. It's the zombie Cabinet!
0:08:56 > 0:08:58JACOB: The zombie Parliament.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01The zombie Parliament, how rude of me, sorry!
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Because Parliament was probed yesterday
0:09:03 > 0:09:06and will be back on 4th June,
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- and then we will have a... IAN:- Is this you?!
0:09:09 > 0:09:12No, that's certainly not me! The Conservatives
0:09:12 > 0:09:15and the Lib Dems have run out of things that they agree on.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- Haven't you agreed on the fact you hate each other?- No!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21They're delightful, charming people. LAUGHTER
0:09:21 > 0:09:23You're being silly now, Jacob.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26No, no. In a social context. Um, their...
0:09:26 > 0:09:28LAUGHTER
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Their views on public policy leave something to be desired.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35So, what happens? Do you just do nothing for the next year?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38We'll pass some legislation. There won't be a great deal.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41OK. How about you don't come back for five years, any of you?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Well, Belgium didn't have a government for 14 months or something
0:09:45 > 0:09:47and nobody really noticed.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48LAUGHTER
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Even if they haven't got any ideas left or laws to make,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54what is Parliament for?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57It's to hold the government to account and seek redress of grievance
0:09:57 > 0:10:01- for one's constituents.- Correct. Er, would...?
0:10:01 > 0:10:03LAUGHTER
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Jacob, would you like to be held to account?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Because we could do some holding to account now.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11For example, didn't you say
0:10:11 > 0:10:13that the Tories should merge with UKIP?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16I said we should do a deal with UKIP, yes.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18And possibly have a coupon election.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20OK. And that Nigel Farage
0:10:20 > 0:10:23should replace Nick Clegg as Deputy Prime Minister.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Oh, I think there would be joy in heaven if that were to happen.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29LAUGHTER
0:10:29 > 0:10:32What about here on earth?
0:10:32 > 0:10:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:37 > 0:10:41- Do you get on well with Mr Farage? - Yeah, I think he's a very good egg.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43LAUGHTER
0:10:43 > 0:10:46What was the good news, though, for Nick Clegg this week?
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- He won a prize for his radio phone-in programme, didn't he?- He did.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52He won a prize for Call Clegg. You can phone him up
0:10:52 > 0:10:55and he'll get you a minicab. It's brilliant.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00David Cameron has been out and about with Boris Johnson,
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- and what did they do? They... - They rescued a lady
0:11:02 > 0:11:07who had collapsed, and held her hand until the emergency services arrived.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Was it Boris holding her hand?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11- I wouldn't know.- I think it was.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12Was it he who knocked her over?
0:11:14 > 0:11:15In his mad lust.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19They do say that there was:
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Although we can't vouch for Boris, I'm sorry.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Yeah. Where else has David Cameron been?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32- Nando's. The piri piri chicken place. - He was in Nando's.- Ah, yes.
0:11:32 > 0:11:37Posing for selfies with the electorate. Here we go.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43KEVIN: See, imagine that guy holding your hand until an ambulance came.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47That is Becky Smith.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50How did she describe the encounter with Mr Cameron?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53JACOB: She said it was a great honour and a privilege
0:11:53 > 0:11:55to meet the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom...
0:11:55 > 0:11:58and that from now on, she would always vote Conservative.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00- LAUGHTER - No.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02She said:
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Well, he'd had the piri piri sauce, I presume.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11What did she actually say to him?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13"Can we get some service over here?"
0:12:14 > 0:12:16She said that:
0:12:22 > 0:12:27So, this is the news that Parliament is shutting down early.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Apparently, MPs have run out of bills to debate.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31One of the last bills to be debated
0:12:31 > 0:12:33was an attempt by Keith Vaz to enact:
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Too right. If there's not enough, I'm not buying it.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44This week, the coalition is beginning to fracture.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46According to the Daily Mail:
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Yeah, I've been to that nightclub. It's rubbish.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57In a joint statement, Michael Gove and David Laws
0:12:57 > 0:13:00denied falling out over free school meals. They also said:
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Yeah, good luck with the PE teachers!
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Now, this, Jacob, is an iPod.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:22 > 0:13:24And so to round two.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27It's a misjudged return for the Gramophone of News.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Er, I'm going to give you some sound clues
0:13:31 > 0:13:33using this antique horn.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Fingers on buzzers, here's the first one.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38# The sun has got his hat on... #
0:13:38 > 0:13:40BUZZER
0:13:40 > 0:13:44# The sun has got his hat on and he's coming out today
0:13:44 > 0:13:45# Now we'll all be happy... #
0:13:45 > 0:13:48How far are you going to play this tune?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Yeah, I think we should... I think we should stop it now.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- Can you stop it now?- Here it comes!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54RECORD SCRATCHES TO HALT
0:13:54 > 0:13:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:57 > 0:14:00A BBC radio DJ has lost his job.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04He hosted a show dealing in sort of vintage songs,
0:14:04 > 0:14:08vintage tunes, and The Sun Has Got His Hat On, written by Noel Gay,
0:14:08 > 0:14:10sometime in the 1930s, I think,
0:14:10 > 0:14:13has a sort of...the N-word in it,
0:14:13 > 0:14:16and he didn't know this, apparently, and somebody complained.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18And he lost his job, then the BBC said, "Oh, you can have it back,"
0:14:18 > 0:14:20and he said, "I don't want it back."
0:14:20 > 0:14:23They said, "You've got to!" and he said, "No, I don't want it!"
0:14:23 > 0:14:25"Well, come in tomorrow!" "I won't be there."
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- One person complained.- One person complained.- One person complained.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30BBC Radio Devon, 10pm on a Sunday night.
0:14:30 > 0:14:35Although Devon has only recently been connected to the phone network.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38This guy, his name was David Lowe,
0:14:38 > 0:14:41and what was ironic about him losing his job?
0:14:41 > 0:14:45Didn't he play that song because he thought another song was racist
0:14:45 > 0:14:48and he didn't play that, he played this one to replace the racist song
0:14:48 > 0:14:51and unfortunately...along came 1932.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- Yeah. Do you know what the song he didn't play was?- JACOB: Yes.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58- It was Abdul Abulbul Amir.- Correct. It was the 1927 version...
0:14:59 > 0:15:03I think so that he could decide, he went, "Eeny meeny m... No."
0:15:06 > 0:15:11Any other controversies in the West Country this week?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- I'd imagine so.- In Frome.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Is it the fence that's been put alongside...
0:15:17 > 0:15:22right of way and, therefore, people are completely channelled in?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24That's right. Near your constituency, I believe.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26- It is, but not IN my constituency.- No.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29This farmer has bought a beautiful green meadow
0:15:29 > 0:15:32and he wants to stop people roaming off the footpath
0:15:32 > 0:15:35with their dogs, so this is what he's done.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38He's got no more problems with dog mess,
0:15:38 > 0:15:43but he does now have Jewish settlers on one side of the meadow...
0:15:43 > 0:15:46and angry Palestinians on the other.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50This is the BBC Radio Devon DJ who was fired
0:15:50 > 0:15:54for playing a 1932 version of The Sun Has Got His Hat On.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58The BBC have been condemned for overreacting,
0:15:58 > 0:16:00but I'm actually on the BBC's side.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Casual racism is nothing to snigger about.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09No. No, I said... No, sn... No, I said "snigger".
0:16:09 > 0:16:11No, it's a word. Look it up. Yep. Yep.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13All right, I'll get my coat.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15LAUGHTER
0:16:15 > 0:16:19The BBC has actually been accused of double standards
0:16:19 > 0:16:23for playing rap songs which feature the N-word.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25The word is allowed when it is...
0:16:32 > 0:16:34..said a BBC wanka!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38APPLAUSE
0:16:40 > 0:16:43OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45LORRY-REVERSE BEEPING
0:16:45 > 0:16:46BUZZER
0:16:46 > 0:16:48The guy who invented that noise,
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- which is the sound of a lorry reversing...- Mm.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55..has come out and said that he regrets his invention.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Do you know what the inventor's name is?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Is it George Reversing-Beep?
0:16:59 > 0:17:04- Hyphenated.- It is hyphenated, but not that. It's Chris Hanson-Abbott.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Now, he doesn't like his noise.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08But isn't that the point of an alarm, though, isn't it,
0:17:08 > 0:17:10to sort of be, you know, slightly annoying,
0:17:10 > 0:17:13to notice it, rather than somebody going...
0:17:13 > 0:17:14- GENTLE VOICE:- .."Hello."
0:17:14 > 0:17:18- Anyone got any better suggestions? - What about the Countdown theme?
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- KEVIN HUMS THEME - Oh, that's a good idea.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23As it gets closer and closer.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- And you need to get out the way before it goes, "Daow".- Dzzchw.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- Or celebrities could do it. - Yeah, celebrity.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- Humphrey Bogart saying, "Get out of the way."- Yeah.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- Stephen Hawking would be good.- Yeah.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37MONOTONE: Get out of the way.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38Alan Bennett.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- AS ALAN BENNETT: - Oh, get out of the way.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- Brian Walden.- That's going back a bit, isn't it? Brian Walden?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47- That's the only impression I can do. - Oh, right.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51- AS BRIAN WALDEN:- Hello, it's Brian Walden here. Get out of the way.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Um... So, can anyone do the beeping noise?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Is it as easy as I think it is?
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Beep. Beep. Beep - that's it.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Here's a man who CAN do it.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08HE MIMICS LORRY-REVERSE BEEP
0:18:12 > 0:18:16- He can do the noise, but he's just struggling with the reversing.- Yeah.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19I like that guy.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Here's the next one.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25CLOCK TICKS, ALARM RINGS
0:18:25 > 0:18:26BELL
0:18:26 > 0:18:28This is that we're not getting enough sleep
0:18:28 > 0:18:32because we use artificial light and we watch too much television,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- and therefore we don't go to bed on time.- That's right. Do you do that?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- Yes.- Yeah.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Do you count candles as artificial light?
0:18:41 > 0:18:42LAUGHTER
0:18:42 > 0:18:46SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Do you wear one of those hats in bed, those big...
0:18:53 > 0:18:57I can kind of see you in one of those, in a nightgown. Yes.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59I'll consider it.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02What's wrong with blue light before bed?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04It does something to the melatonin
0:19:04 > 0:19:06that means you're not ready to go to sleep
0:19:06 > 0:19:08and puts your body clock out.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11It makes our body clock think it's earlier than it is, so...
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- What is it? Blue light?- Blue light.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16It's like light that comes off gadgets and things.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- Or off police cars outside your house.- Indeed.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- Indeed.- That keeps you awake. A lot of those where I live.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Crackhouse next door, Jacob.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28At least you haven't got to go far. Um...
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Apparently, Dr Charles Czeisler of Harvard University says...
0:19:38 > 0:19:41I need more than blue light to hit my sweet spot,
0:19:41 > 0:19:43thank you, Charles.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Um... Meanwhile, what have Richard and Judy agreed to do to each other?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49- Kill each other. - JACOB: Kill each other.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51- Kill each other. - Kill each other.- Yeah.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55- They've agreed upon a suicide pact. - That's love.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58It's also potentially murder, but...
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Yes, in one of the most romantic declarations of true love,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Richard told the Telegraph...
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Oh, no, sorry. He went on a bit more. Um...
0:20:19 > 0:20:21He should write Valentine's cards, shouldn't he?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Type of stamp. Could be very rare.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30- "Have you got a tuppenny- BLEEP?" - "Yes, I've got one here."
0:20:30 > 0:20:35Um... Does anyone know how Richard Madeley intends to kill himself?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37- Yes. There was booze involved. - That's right.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Or if Judy's still about, just the locked room and the revolver.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Um...
0:20:44 > 0:20:46He wants to die in a game of Cluedo.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51This is the research that shows
0:20:51 > 0:20:53that a lack of sleep is bad for your health.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56There are a number of top tips for ensuring a good night's sleep.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58For instance...
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Tick! Um...
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Time now for the odd one out round. It's just one between you this week.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Fingers on buzzers, teams. Your four are...
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Marcus Trescothick.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15The Queen.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Chris the Rhea. And Conchita Wurst.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21JACOB: Marcus Trescothick is a very distinguished Somerset cricketer.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24I don't really see how that relates to anything else, unfortunately.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25The bird escaped.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- JACOB: The bird escaped? - It did escape.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30- And they actually shot it. - They did. They couldn't catch it.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32JACOB: And it's been turned into sausages.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33- Ta-da!- Ah!
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- Ah. "Wurst" means "sausage". - Trescothick was known as "Banger".
0:21:36 > 0:21:39The thing was turned into a sausage. "Wurst" is "sausage".
0:21:39 > 0:21:42So, Her Majesty - nobody would dare call Her Majesty anything so rude -
0:21:42 > 0:21:44is, um, not the...
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- The odd one out.- Yes, but I don't wish to call Her Majesty odd.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49That seems to be...
0:21:49 > 0:21:53LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Her Majesty is not in line with the other three in this case.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Is she being called Sausage by the Duke of Edinburgh?
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- Is it a pet name?- Mm!- I think it is. - It is.- "Oh, Sausage!"
0:22:06 > 0:22:07Is there any reasons why?
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Perhaps he likes stabbing her with a fork from time to time.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13It's a term of affection
0:22:13 > 0:22:16based on the fact that her ancestry is German.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20It was a sort of Wurst joke. He calls her Conchita Sausage.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Does she call him "Kebab"?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- APPLAUSE - Might do.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Is it they're all called sausage
0:22:31 > 0:22:34except one who's been turned into sausage?
0:22:34 > 0:22:35Correct!
0:22:35 > 0:22:37APPLAUSE
0:22:40 > 0:22:43As you said, Chris the runaway rhea was finally found - hurrah! -
0:22:43 > 0:22:45shot in the head - boo! -
0:22:45 > 0:22:48turned into sausages - hurrah!
0:22:49 > 0:22:53Has anyone ever enjoyed a rhea sausage?
0:22:53 > 0:22:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Does it count if you're on holiday?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Now, as far as Conchita Wurst is concerned,
0:23:08 > 0:23:10the Eurovision-winning bearded lady of Austria
0:23:10 > 0:23:13got her stage name from the German expression:
0:23:16 > 0:23:17It literally means:
0:23:20 > 0:23:25- So it doesn't make any sense in German or English?- Not really.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Britain actually awarded the maximum 12 points to Conchita,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31but when the judges' votes were taken out of the equation,
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- the public preferred the Polish entry.- They did.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36A charming entry.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Must have been a really, really good song.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Let's see why it was so popular, shall we?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
0:23:43 > 0:23:45LAUGHTER
0:23:48 > 0:23:50A lot of Poles living in the country
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- who probably voted for the Polish entry.- Do you think so?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55I should think there's a lot of lorry drivers an' all.
0:23:57 > 0:24:02The Russians organised a petition condemning Conchita Wurst,
0:24:02 > 0:24:04claiming her performance would:
0:24:08 > 0:24:11I think that ship's already sailed.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:24:16 > 0:24:20which this week features as its guest publication:
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Easy to spot in the newsagents
0:24:24 > 0:24:28as all the car magazines have moved over to make way for it.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31And we start with:
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Housed in a new ambulance museum in Hull.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41No?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Those electric foxes get everywhere, don't they?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Fzzzt!
0:24:52 > 0:24:54These are Simon Cowell's Yorkshire terriers,
0:24:54 > 0:24:57which are now protected by a massive fox-proof fence.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58According to the Sun,
0:24:58 > 0:25:02last year Diddly wee'd on the floor of a posh store in Beverly Hills
0:25:02 > 0:25:04When the enraged manager asked customers
0:25:04 > 0:25:06if they'd witnessed anything,
0:25:06 > 0:25:09they all agreed they saw Diddly squat.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10Next:
0:25:13 > 0:25:15KEVIN: Illuminated ground floor button.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19JACOB: I saw this, it was in the Daily Mail...
0:25:19 > 0:25:22LAUGHTER
0:25:22 > 0:25:24It's "Beyonce's sister hit her husband"
0:25:24 > 0:25:26in a lift in New York
0:25:26 > 0:25:28- and that's what it is. - Crikey, Jacob!
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Whay!
0:25:29 > 0:25:33APPLAUSE
0:25:33 > 0:25:35I was going to say - "Respect!"
0:25:37 > 0:25:41The rapper Jay Z, who is married to Beyonce,
0:25:41 > 0:25:45was attacked by his sister-in-law, Solange, in a lift.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48The Daily Star speculated as to what the attack was about.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Theories included:
0:25:57 > 0:26:01Or Jay Z is a typical bloke and he dropped one in the lift.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Next:
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Take her top off for 30 quid.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14KEVIN: Write him an expenses receipt?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Won't work over here.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21That's right, well done.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23This is from Ambulance Today.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26No, we don't want a Danish ambulance service.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29After all, it takes the Danish police a whole 20-hour box set
0:26:29 > 0:26:32just to solve one murder.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33And finally:
0:26:37 > 0:26:39KEVIN: Sitting crying in the shower.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46No, think our selected magazine.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48- Think Ambulance...- Chasing one!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50KEVIN: Trying to find the phone number?
0:26:50 > 0:26:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:01 > 0:27:03According to Ambulance Today, Nick Clegg was:
0:27:10 > 0:27:12They're exactly the same as ambulances
0:27:12 > 0:27:15in the rest of the country, only they have a sign on the back saying,
0:27:15 > 0:27:18"There's owt wrong with thee. Get the bus."
0:27:20 > 0:27:24So, the final scores are...
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Paul and Kevin have 6,
0:27:26 > 0:27:28but Ian and Jacob have 7.
0:27:28 > 0:27:33APPLAUSE
0:27:33 > 0:27:36But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Here's one:
0:27:39 > 0:27:41"Whose idea was it to book us for Cats?"
0:27:45 > 0:27:47And here's another:
0:27:47 > 0:27:50"You're talking out of your arse, Mr Farage."
0:27:50 > 0:27:55APPLAUSE
0:27:55 > 0:27:58On which note we say thank you to our panellists,
0:27:58 > 0:27:59Ian Hislop and Jacob Rees-Mogg,
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Paul Merton and Kevin Bridges.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05And I leave you with news that photographers arrive
0:28:05 > 0:28:08at Nigel Evans' garden party a day earlier than expected.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17Despite Radio 3's move to digital only,
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Jacob Rees-Mogg is reluctant to abandon his analogue set.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28And amidst reports it's possible to see across into people's bedrooms
0:28:28 > 0:28:30in London's Shard hotel,
0:28:30 > 0:28:33a local man is drawn to the scene...
0:28:35 > 0:28:36Good night.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38APPLAUSE