0:00:02 > 0:00:09This Programme Contains Some Strong Language
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Kirsty Young.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45In the news this week, on the edge of the Brazilian rainforest,
0:00:45 > 0:00:48the groundsman insists that England's World Cup training ground
0:00:48 > 0:00:49is safe to practise on.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55LAUGHTER
0:00:55 > 0:01:00In a last-ditch UKIP political broadcast, Nigel Farage provides
0:01:00 > 0:01:04further evidence of foreigners using up valuable NHS resources.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13And there are one or two teething problems
0:01:13 > 0:01:15with the newly designed uniform
0:01:15 > 0:01:17for Switzerland's elite armed response unit.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22LAUGHTER
0:01:24 > 0:01:28On Ian's team tonight is a comedian whose own show on Dave
0:01:28 > 0:01:32involved him riding around the UK on his motorbike
0:01:32 > 0:01:35whilst people on Twitter told him where to go.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39That's Twitter for you. Please welcome Ross Noble.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41APPLAUSE
0:01:44 > 0:01:48And with Paul tonight, someone whose poems are now being taught
0:01:48 > 0:01:52in the GCSE curriculum currently under review by Michael Gove.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Twat.
0:01:54 > 0:01:59Is the name of one of his poems. Please welcome John Cooper Clarke.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02APPLAUSE
0:02:05 > 0:02:09And we start with the big European election stories of the week.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Ian and Ross, take a look at this.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15That's the new Godzilla film there.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Rarr! I will destroy the whole of Britain!
0:02:18 > 0:02:23Oh, a couple there sneaking out of the toilets, by the looks of things.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Oh, this is the main parties
0:02:25 > 0:02:28who've woken up to the fact that there is an election
0:02:28 > 0:02:30one day before it started.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34- And that UKIP might win it. - He's buying everyone flowers.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37He's going, "Go on, just a couple of votes. Go on.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38"Sniff 'em."
0:02:38 > 0:02:43- Yes.- That's his slogan. "Labour, go on, sniff 'em."
0:02:43 > 0:02:48This is the news indeed that the Euro election is finally here.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Various questions have been asked in various polls
0:02:51 > 0:02:52of the electorate recently.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Which leader looks the most weird, all that sort of stuff.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58But which question in a recent poll in the Mirror
0:02:58 > 0:03:02had 38 percent of the people who were asked agreeing with it?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04- Are you going to vote? - No, it was...
0:03:07 > 0:03:09- 38 percent?- Yes.
0:03:09 > 0:03:14How has the Bulgarian political scientist Ivan Kratsev
0:03:14 > 0:03:16described the European Union?
0:03:16 > 0:03:20And these could be words from maybe one of your poems, John.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22- IMITATES JOHN'S ACCENT: - A total waste of time.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25That was John Cooper Clarke.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I thought that was you doing Bulgarian.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29No, no. That was Liverpudlian.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- IMITATES JOHN: Welcome to Bulgaria. - No.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Ivan Kratsev actually said it was...
0:03:40 > 0:03:43That is my style, sclerotic. Cos I'm a doctor now.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47- Are you an honorary doctor? - Are you able to operate on people?
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Oh, absolutely.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Can you have a look at my feet after this?
0:03:51 > 0:03:54I'm more of an ears, nose and throat guy.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58After the arrival this week of this new spin doctor,
0:03:58 > 0:04:01David Axelrod, did Ed Miliband enjoy
0:04:01 > 0:04:04a successful, gaffe-free final week of campaigning?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06No, he had a disastrous week.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09He went on local radio, Radio Wiltshire?
0:04:09 > 0:04:13And the DJ asked him about the local Labour leader on the council.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17And Miliband didn't know who it was, but he pretended he did.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19For people who haven't had the pleasure, I think
0:04:19 > 0:04:21we should maybe listen again to this.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- What do you make of Jim Grant? - I beg your pardon.- Jim Grant.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Do you think he's doing a good job?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28I think that lots of Labour representatives are doing
0:04:28 > 0:04:30a good job right across the country.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34- And, er...- You do know who Jim Grant is, Mr Miliband?
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- Well, you would enlighten me, I'm sure.- Swindon Labour leader.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Yes, I think he's doing a good job and I think...
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Will he feel you support him enough if you don't even know his name?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46He's doing a good job as leader of the council, Jim is.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48And I think that's the case.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52But he's not the leader of the council, is he, Mr Miliband?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54It's a Conservative-led council.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58No, I think he's doing a good job for Labour on the council.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- Fantastic.- Do you think he's going for the sympathy vote?
0:05:04 > 0:05:08- Who was the guy in the hoodie? - That was the Wiltshire DJ.
0:05:08 > 0:05:13He looks like that guy that walks out of that open prison with the teeth...
0:05:13 > 0:05:17He's the DJ, though you obviously think he's Mr Skull Cracker.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20That's it, Skull Cracker.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- Hang on, a professional... - No, not him.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26- I'm sure it was something like the Tooth Puller or...- Oh, right.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Sarcastic Dave.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Call this a sub post office?!
0:05:32 > 0:05:36No, it's very sad. That was one incident, then he had another one.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Yes, he did, which was concerning...
0:05:38 > 0:05:42- He didn't know how much bread costs. - Who does? How much?
0:05:42 > 0:05:48Mr Warburton. You ask him, any size loaf, bang, straightaway. Like that.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52No, 80 quid, wasn't it? He said he spent 80 quid.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54He was put under some tough forensic questioning
0:05:54 > 0:05:57when he appeared on ITV's Good Morning Britain.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00He was asked how much he spent a week on groceries.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02And Ed Miliband said...
0:06:04 > 0:06:07That was just on the essentials.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11That's just one loaf of bread and one thing of milk.
0:06:11 > 0:06:16And the bloke on the market, he goes, "Miliband's coming. £80, please."
0:06:18 > 0:06:22The Good Morning Britain interview that started everything off,
0:06:22 > 0:06:23it did have a good start.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Ed Miliband was trailed at the top of the show.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30See if you can spot the moment that he remembered
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Axelrod's instruction to smile.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Will Ed Miliband survive as leader?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38We'll ask him why half of Labour voters think
0:06:38 > 0:06:40he's the wrong man for the job.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43He's not a natural, is he?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46And then he tries to look a bit pouty and sexy as well,
0:06:46 > 0:06:47which is a worry.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50It's right at the moment when they say,
0:06:50 > 0:06:53"Will he survive as leader?" And even he laughs.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56I've been away all week, Kirsty, and...
0:06:56 > 0:06:59what was that about Axl Rose telling him...?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03It would probably be more use, the week he's had.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05John, you've been in Ireland,
0:07:05 > 0:07:07how excited are they about the European elections?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09They don't give a monkey's.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13I didn't see word one about it, frankly.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16But they've got their own elections going on
0:07:16 > 0:07:18and they're amazingly old school about it.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22It's all posters nailed to lamp-posts.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26Guys in their best...you know, trying to look trustworthy.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30- But they all seem to fail, don't they?- They all look like
0:07:30 > 0:07:33they should have "Dead or alive" underneath them.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Who's re-emerged into the spotlight after four years away?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Vincent Price.
0:07:39 > 0:07:44Chaka Khan, is it Chaka Khan? Chaka Khan?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47I only wish that were true.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50It is Gillian Duffy, the woman previously...
0:07:50 > 0:07:51ROSS: Oh, the bigot woman.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Who was previously accused by Gordon Brown of being a bigot.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Of course, she's not a bigot.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00ROSS: She's got the look of a bigot, though.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02LAUGHTER
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Just... in my opinion.
0:08:08 > 0:08:13I don't think that's quite enough to save you, I'm afraid.
0:08:13 > 0:08:18The Daily Telegraph did an interview with her reporting that she regards Ed Miliband as...
0:08:24 > 0:08:26She said...
0:08:29 > 0:08:33And the triumphant conclusion of the Telegraph interview was...
0:08:36 > 0:08:40So this is Ed Miliband's latest most terrible week.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44On Radio Wiltshire he didn't know the identity of...
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Nick Clegg would never be caught out not knowing
0:08:49 > 0:08:52the names of Lib Dem councillors, he's personally met
0:08:52 > 0:08:54both of them.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59The Times interviewed celebrity hairdresser Charlotte Cave
0:08:59 > 0:09:00who cuts Ed Miliband's hair.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Her description...
0:09:05 > 0:09:08As for his hair we have no idea.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Paul and John, take a look at this.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Right, OK.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Somebody keeping warm by burning the European flag.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18"Er, I bought a wardrobe, I could not get it up the stairs."
0:09:18 > 0:09:21"I tried, I tried. I could not get it up the stairs.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24"It must have been Romanian, I could not get it up the stairs."
0:09:24 > 0:09:28That would seem to be some candidate groping people in the shopping arcade.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30- So, it's European elections and all that stuff.- Yep.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- Particularly it's Nigel Farage. - Nigel Farage.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- Last big election push.- He had a carnival cos he thought -
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- "If everyone says I'm racist I'll have a really successful carnival in London."- Yes.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41- Well, in Croydon.- Yeah...
0:09:41 > 0:09:43- And it didn't go so well.- Didn't it?
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- No.- Why not?- The Croydon Carnivalll...?!
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Surely, not(!)
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Was there trouble coming in from Purley?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54What happened about it?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- His basic idea was that he'd hired a steel band.- Yeah.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59He thought that was multicultural. And they turned up and said -
0:09:59 > 0:10:02"God, we're not performing for UKIP." And they went off.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05And then that bloke, Winston McKenzie
0:10:05 > 0:10:07described Croydon as "a dump..."
0:10:11 > 0:10:14And he was going to personally move to another country?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Some anti-UKIP protestors turned up because they had heard that
0:10:17 > 0:10:22Nigel Farage was going to be there. And then they started haranguing all the carnival organisers
0:10:22 > 0:10:25and when Farage didn't arrive, according to the Mail...
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Now the name Winston McKenzie made me wonder
0:10:38 > 0:10:40as you might imagine it would whether or not we wanted
0:10:40 > 0:10:43to have a little quiz about some other famous McKenzies?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- Yeah! - Who is this?
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- Oh, that's Precious McKenzie...- Yes! - ..a weightlifter on Blue Peter.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Yes, it is! It's little tiny British weightlifter...
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- ROSS: Did he?- Yes, 1970s, 1960s, he was only 5'1" but always lifting
0:10:55 > 0:10:57huge things like the Blue Peter studio on his shoulders.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Running to Wigan with it and back.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Here is talented '70s footballer Duncan McKenzie.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Can you tell me one of his two special powers?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Oh, yeah, throwing golf balls the length of a football pitch
0:11:08 > 0:11:10and jumping over cars! There he is!
0:11:10 > 0:11:13At last this programme has found my metier!
0:11:17 > 0:11:19I'm happy.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- It's a topical news quiz for Paul's childhood!- Yeah!
0:11:24 > 0:11:29As you say, Paul, he could throw a golf ball 125 yards, let's just take a look...
0:11:29 > 0:11:32BRIAN MOORE: And on bleak morning at Elland Road last week in his street clothes
0:11:32 > 0:11:34and with a slightly strained right shoulder
0:11:34 > 0:11:37he still produced a throw there of some 111 yards.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40ROSS: That's the only clip from 1970s television
0:11:40 > 0:11:43you're still allowed to play on the BBC.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Now, originally this started as a UKIP question -
0:11:52 > 0:11:56why have the main parties decided to stop calling UKIP racist?
0:11:56 > 0:12:00- Cos it just encourages the voters. - JOHN: That's right.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Every time they say - "Well, he's a bit of a racist", there's this poll and it just goes up.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07People thinking, "Yeah, bit of a racist, yeah, that's for me, then.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11- "That's my vote."- Well, according to the Guardian, the public don't
0:12:11 > 0:12:14actually think it's true but every time it happens...
0:12:14 > 0:12:17UKIP's rating does go up.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20And what was it, particularly, that Nigel Farage, said in that
0:12:20 > 0:12:23very rumbustious interview about Romanians?
0:12:23 > 0:12:24If they moved in next door -
0:12:24 > 0:12:26if just men, that's what he said
0:12:26 > 0:12:29they'd have a problem with just Romanian men.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33And the interviewer said - "What if it was, like, German children?"
0:12:33 > 0:12:36He said that was fine but then it was just Romanian MEN!
0:12:36 > 0:12:38# Hallelujah it's... #
0:12:38 > 0:12:43And he broke into song and he ripped off his thing...
0:12:43 > 0:12:46HE HUMS TUNE
0:12:46 > 0:12:49And it turned out he had a spangly outfit on underneath.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Purple spangles - who knew?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54How did Farage then try to backtrack on what he'd said?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57About Romanians? The day after the interview.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00He said he'd been a bit tired. He's just a bit over tired.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Yeah, that's exactly what he said...
0:13:07 > 0:13:11The form of words, presumably, he would have liked to have used is
0:13:11 > 0:13:14"They're all a bunch of thieving gypos", I would imagine.
0:13:14 > 0:13:19Of course, we shouldn't forget that there is another party on the right...
0:13:19 > 0:13:22the Conservative Party. What was David Cameron up to in the latter
0:13:22 > 0:13:26- stages of his European campaigning this week?- He went on a walkabout with Boris.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30He thought - "If we're going to have a nutter- vote, I'm going to have some of it."
0:13:30 > 0:13:34In fact, at one point on his little walkabout they actually sat down
0:13:34 > 0:13:37and he was photographed waiting for a train with Boris.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38- Really?- Yes.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Interesting contrast in body language.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47One seems to be ready and waiting for any opportunity
0:13:47 > 0:13:48that might come along...
0:13:48 > 0:13:53and the other one remembers he's a married man.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56ROSS: It's a very long tie Boris has got on there, isn't it?
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Shouldn't it stop, like, above the gentleman's area?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03No, it's clipped to the bottom with a padlock!
0:14:07 > 0:14:10This is Nigel Farage, who failed to turn up for a
0:14:10 > 0:14:11UKIP event in Croydon.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15Nigel Farage didn't turn up at the UKIP rally in south London
0:14:15 > 0:14:17where there were ugly scenes...
0:14:17 > 0:14:21Now, that's either a protestor in Croydon, or his driver at Gatwick,
0:14:21 > 0:14:22waiting to pick him up.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29A good portion of the country only know the European elections
0:14:29 > 0:14:32are happening because of all the cheaply-printed leaflets
0:14:32 > 0:14:34that are being shoved through their letter box,
0:14:34 > 0:14:38which could well lead to one seat in the European Parliament
0:14:38 > 0:14:41going to Margherita Crusty-Base of the Pizza Hut Party.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45I did a Domino's Pizza advert five years ago.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Oh, missed that one... it's chips I like.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52I'll tell you when it was. It was at the beginning of the threatened swine flu pandemic.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56And I thought - "There's never been a better time to endorse pizzas."
0:14:57 > 0:15:00I'd seen all the scare stories on the TV
0:15:00 > 0:15:02about how the hospitals would be overloaded
0:15:02 > 0:15:04and every family in this country, they said,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07would be nursing their precious family member at home
0:15:07 > 0:15:11with this highly contagious, possibly life-threatening virus.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13And I thought, "Well, there's not many nourishing meals
0:15:13 > 0:15:16"you can slide under the door."
0:15:16 > 0:15:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Couldn't have done it at a better time.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27It's on now to Round Two, the Picture Spin quiz.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32BUZZER
0:15:32 > 0:15:34It's a football, it's a candle, it's a birthday cake.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Yaya Toure, Manchester City player,
0:15:36 > 0:15:39got very upset because nobody bought him a birthday cake for his birthday
0:15:39 > 0:15:41and he now wants to get a transfer.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- Is that true?- Yeah, course it is.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- You don't think I'm making it up? - It's almost true.- Almost true.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49As you say, the argument actually began...
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- They did get him a birthday cake. - Yeah.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53But apparently, that just wasn't good enough,
0:15:53 > 0:15:56because Yaya's agent, Dimitri Seluk, pointed out...
0:16:01 > 0:16:03That is revolting.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08- You can rent them, though.- Yes.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Do you know how much Yaya Toure is reputed to be paid?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Is it £70 a week?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Is it enough to buy some groceries for the Milibands?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Round about 220 grand a week.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- Right.- So he can afford a cake.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26He could buy Greggs.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- Every branch.- Every branch. - Every branch.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33APPLAUSE
0:16:33 > 0:16:36David Cameron has waded into the world of football this week.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Who did he say he would have sacked, were he able?
0:16:39 > 0:16:40Richard Scudamore.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Yeah, exactly, the head of the Premier League,
0:16:42 > 0:16:44after e-mail exchanges between Scudamore
0:16:44 > 0:16:48and his lawyer friend Nick West were leaked to the Sunday Mirror.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Who was it that leapt to Mr Scudamore's defence?
0:16:51 > 0:16:52John Inverdale.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56ROSS: Jim Davidson?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- It was West Ham vice chair Karren Brady.- Oh, yes.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02She defended Scudamore, saying...
0:17:06 > 0:17:09And she should know, working for a club owned by two men
0:17:09 > 0:17:11who made their fortune selling...
0:17:14 > 0:17:16ROSS: To be fair, though,
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Hardcore Housewives could just be housewives
0:17:18 > 0:17:20that like to get a lot done.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21You know what I mean?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23They could just be...
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- Not just their house. Other people's.- Exactly.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29"That's not clean. I'm sorry, I'm not picking the kids up till that's clean."
0:17:31 > 0:17:33I prefer your world.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Although you would be disappointed if you got Hardcore Housewives
0:17:37 > 0:17:41and flicked through - "Blimey, everything's very clean in this."
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Which would-be poet is likely to lose their job this week?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Is it the baker? The cheeky baker...
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- It is the cheeky baker. - ..who's been the bored baker.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53He's been putting these haikus
0:17:53 > 0:17:56in packets of biscuits in branches of Sainsbury's.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57We'll take a look at them.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Yeah, that's a haiku, that, innit?
0:18:06 > 0:18:07The next one...
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Hey, he's good. He's on fire.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Yeah.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17What do you make of this one, John?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS
0:18:25 > 0:18:29- That's good news from the guy who's baking your stuff.- Yes - reassuring.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Who knew he was an incurable romantic?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- What are the rules? - Got to be three lines.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Five-seven-five syllables. Like this one...
0:18:38 > 0:18:39"Smarter men than I
0:18:39 > 0:18:41"Have been total idiots
0:18:41 > 0:18:43"I've met them all."
0:18:45 > 0:18:46Or, "To freeze the moment
0:18:46 > 0:18:48"In 17 syllables
0:18:48 > 0:18:49"Is very diffic..."
0:18:51 > 0:18:53That's the one that I'm most known for.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55APPLAUSE
0:18:57 > 0:19:00This is Yaya Toure and the furore about his...
0:19:00 > 0:19:04Was that a haiku you just did? Was there a rhyme in there?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- No, there's no rhyme in it. - Oh, there's no rhymes.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- Can you do that one again as a limerick?- Yeah.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13- Yaya Toure had a bit of a furore... - Who set off a furore.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- He wanted a cake... - But a terrible mistake...
0:19:18 > 0:19:20They said, "This is a rubbish story."
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Boom!
0:19:23 > 0:19:25APPLAUSE
0:19:25 > 0:19:27That was like a posh version of 8 Mile.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32This is Yaya Toure and the furore...
0:19:32 > 0:19:33See what I mean?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38This is Yaya Toure
0:19:38 > 0:19:41and the stramash about his disappointing 31st birthday party...
0:19:45 > 0:19:46JOHN: Oh, you're good.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50..where, apparently, he celebrated being six years old.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Manchester City have tried to make amends
0:19:52 > 0:19:54by buying him a princess outfit.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Right, fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03BUZZER
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Theresa May - she's taken off the helmet part.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11She's terrified of the police.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13She gave a speech to the Police Federation,
0:20:13 > 0:20:15saying, "We're going to cut off all your money.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17"You're absolutely useless and you need reform
0:20:17 > 0:20:19"and we're not asking you, we're telling you."
0:20:19 > 0:20:22And usually, the Tories, they go to the police events
0:20:22 > 0:20:23and everyone claps and they say,
0:20:23 > 0:20:26"You're marvellous and we need more of you on the beat."
0:20:26 > 0:20:28And she just said, "You're rubbish."
0:20:28 > 0:20:30And they all said, "Oh! Police brutality!"
0:20:34 > 0:20:36What measures precisely did Theresa May say
0:20:36 > 0:20:39had already been taken against the Police Federation?
0:20:39 > 0:20:43- Well, they've cut their money. - Yeah - £190,000 has been cut.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45- Well, they're sitting on a vast pile of money.- Yeah.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Some of which they use to sue satirical magazines
0:20:48 > 0:20:49who write things about the police.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54What is that frock? I can't get past it.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Is she standing in it?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00She's worried that she's going to be tasered.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04ROSS: If you...if you look at it from the other side,
0:21:04 > 0:21:07she's actually holding both of them by the throat.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Theresa May's speech was met with anger by the Police Federation.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15She was forced to leave the conference hall
0:21:15 > 0:21:17through the delivery entrance at the back,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19otherwise known as the "Pleb Gate".
0:21:22 > 0:21:24OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Berlusconi appeared on Newsnight.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35And Jeremy Paxman asked him a series of quite rude questions.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38This, weirdly, all took place at the Chelsea Flower Show.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41In the Bunga Bunga Garden.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43LAUGHTER
0:21:43 > 0:21:47You can tell his hair's been sprayed for greenfly, anyway, looking at it.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53So, yes, this is Jeremy Paxman's rather fruity interview
0:21:53 > 0:21:54with Silvio Berlusconi.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Let's take a little look.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Do you have a particular problem with Angela Merkel?
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Is it true you called her an unfuckable lard arse?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05LAUGHTER
0:22:05 > 0:22:07SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:22:09 > 0:22:11HE SPEAKS ITALIAN
0:22:11 > 0:22:15No, I have never had any problems with Angela Merkel.
0:22:15 > 0:22:20In 20 years of politics, I have never insulted anyone.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22LAUGHTER
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Is that really what he said?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Cos, judging by his hands there, I think he was going,
0:22:27 > 0:22:30"Yes, I love it, it's a big lard arse!
0:22:30 > 0:22:33"If anything, it is the most fuckable thing ever!
0:22:33 > 0:22:35"Oo-er!"
0:22:35 > 0:22:38And the translator's going, "No, I never did that.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41"Um, I've never insulted her."
0:22:41 > 0:22:43And he's loving it!
0:22:43 > 0:22:46He's squeezing all the time!
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Look at him there! Look at him!
0:22:48 > 0:22:51LAUGHTER
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Jeremy Paxman does have the air of a man who's not
0:22:54 > 0:22:56staying around for much longer, is he?
0:22:56 > 0:22:58In the programme, I meant.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00- It's a bit demob happy, isn't it?- Yes.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04"Last day, I'd say anything. I know, I'll say..."
0:23:04 > 0:23:06LAUGHTER
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Go on!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:09 > 0:23:12- No! No!- No!- No!
0:23:12 > 0:23:14It'd be like finding out that entertainers from
0:23:14 > 0:23:17your childhood were sort of...no, no, forget it.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19APPLAUSE
0:23:22 > 0:23:26So, we saw Berlusconi there claim that he's never insulted anybody
0:23:26 > 0:23:30in his 20 political years. Um, does anyone believe that?
0:23:30 > 0:23:31No, it's a complete lie!
0:23:31 > 0:23:36Let's just look at the insult he threw at Obama. He said...
0:23:43 > 0:23:45GASPING
0:23:45 > 0:23:48He insulted gay people. He said...
0:23:51 > 0:23:55And he insulted all Italians. He said...
0:23:57 > 0:23:59LAUGHTER
0:23:59 > 0:24:02You know what his next job is?
0:24:02 > 0:24:03He's standing for UKIP!
0:24:03 > 0:24:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:06 > 0:24:09I don't know if you noticed this week, but Jeremy Paxman
0:24:09 > 0:24:11thanked his production team for his leaving gift.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15It was a lifelike ventriloquist's dummy.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17LAUGHTER
0:24:20 > 0:24:22It's time now for Missing Words Round,
0:24:22 > 0:24:25which, this week, features as its guest publication,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28The British Sundial Society Bulletin.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30And we start with...
0:24:33 > 0:24:34- Worst seaside resort.- Yeah.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38LAUGHTER
0:24:38 > 0:24:40It's conscience.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42LAUGHTER
0:24:42 > 0:24:44The answer is...
0:24:46 > 0:24:47LAUGHTER
0:24:47 > 0:24:50This is according to Miley Cyrus. Next...
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Offered to dress up as a bull
0:24:55 > 0:24:56and fight a matador.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Or a part in The Archers.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02He's got a new song, "Heaven Knows I Miss Arable Farming Now."
0:25:02 > 0:25:04LAUGHTER
0:25:04 > 0:25:06That was a really good joke.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- Hmm.- Never mind.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09LAUGHTER
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- "This Farming Man." - "This Farming Man."- There you go.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14"Girlfriend In Kramer."
0:25:14 > 0:25:15LAUGHTER
0:25:15 > 0:25:17These are bloody good jokes.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18LAUGHTER
0:25:18 > 0:25:20But not in this lifetime!
0:25:21 > 0:25:23You said the answer, which was...
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Hmm. I wonder if that could lead
0:25:26 > 0:25:28to some Morrissey punned farming jokes.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:32 > 0:25:36It's been announced this week that Morrissey has been invited to
0:25:36 > 0:25:37join the cast of The Archers.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Not much is known about the character,
0:25:39 > 0:25:42but he will come from the nearby village of Umbrage.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- LAUGHTER - And finally...
0:25:52 > 0:25:53As you might expect.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56LAUGHTER
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Oh, hang on! 250-mile round trip.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Is this some sort of Proclaimers 500 miles?
0:26:04 > 0:26:07- Yes.- Is it?- Oh, Proclaimer puns!
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Here we go! It's on!
0:26:10 > 0:26:12# And I would milk 500 cows... #
0:26:12 > 0:26:14LAUGHTER
0:26:14 > 0:26:17# You would walk 500... # Oh, you like that one!
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- You like that! At last! - APPLAUSE
0:26:20 > 0:26:23# In my field I've grown some
0:26:23 > 0:26:25# Lettuce from America! #
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Shut your face! Shut your faces!
0:26:28 > 0:26:30The answer is...
0:26:33 > 0:26:35LAUGHTER
0:26:35 > 0:26:38- Now, here is the pedestal without the sundial.- Yeah.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42Although, an expert would still be able to tell what the time is.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44LAUGHTER
0:26:44 > 0:26:47So, the final scores are...
0:26:47 > 0:26:51- Ooh! Paul and John have got four. - Yay!
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Ian and Ross have got nine.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:27:00 > 0:27:04But, before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Apparently, house prices are going up.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09LAUGHTER
0:27:09 > 0:27:10Or could be mouse prices!
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Eh...
0:27:12 > 0:27:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:16 > 0:27:19He's reading a tiny copy of the Daily Mail and it says,
0:27:19 > 0:27:21"Loads of Brown Rats Are Coming!"
0:27:21 > 0:27:23LAUGHTER
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Oh, no! He's got a Welsh paper, a Swansea Chronicle.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31He's missing his wife called Mabel, put the thing in the paper,
0:27:31 > 0:27:32"Have you seen this woman?
0:27:32 > 0:27:35"Heavens knows I'm missing Mabel now!"
0:27:35 > 0:27:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:40 > 0:27:44And I leave you with news that, after Nick Clegg asks for
0:27:44 > 0:27:47his document on new coalition policy ideas back
0:27:47 > 0:27:49so he can made a few more additions,
0:27:49 > 0:27:51David Cameron sends a researcher
0:27:51 > 0:27:54to fetch them from the filing system.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57LAUGHTER
0:27:57 > 0:28:01A parent at a Pyongyang nursery school looks on powerless
0:28:01 > 0:28:03as his son blurts out,
0:28:03 > 0:28:05"Daddy calls you the fat man"
0:28:05 > 0:28:07LAUGHTER
0:28:10 > 0:28:12And at a polling station in Bromley,
0:28:12 > 0:28:15an unexpected turnout prevents Nigel Farage
0:28:15 > 0:28:17from casting his vote.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19LAUGHTER
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Good night.
0:28:24 > 0:28:25APPLAUSE