0:00:02 > 0:00:06THEME MUSIC PLAYS
0:00:11 > 0:00:18This programme contains some strong language
0:00:25 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Thank you very much indeed. Good evening.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42Welcome to have I Got News For You.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week,
0:00:45 > 0:00:48as UKIP's new MPs arrive at the European Parliament,
0:00:48 > 0:00:51suspicions are aroused over the party's claims of ethnic diversity.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59After an invitation to appear on BBC News
0:00:59 > 0:01:01to discuss the European election,
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Norman Tebbit is driven to the studios.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10And in Westminster, Boris Johnson is asked, if he became
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Prime Minister, would he press the nuclear button?
0:01:12 > 0:01:16No. I don't know. No! It's a matter of sublime... I mean, yes!
0:01:16 > 0:01:18I mean, no! Possibly.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22Who cares? It's very important. It's very important. Watch this space.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24I don't know.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27On Ian's team tonight is an actor in the BAFTA-winning sitcom
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Him Her, in which he plays the part of Dan -
0:01:29 > 0:01:32lovable, socially awkward, a bit of a loser.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34He also does stand-up. Please welcome Joe Wilkinson.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:40 > 0:01:43And with Paul tonight is a TV presenter who, after winning this
0:01:43 > 0:01:46year's European poker tour, used Twitter to say,
0:01:46 > 0:01:47"I won, I bloody won."
0:01:47 > 0:01:50The very same message Ian put out after winning THIS series -
0:01:50 > 0:01:51only he used a carrier pigeon.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Please welcome Victoria Coren Mitchell.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:00 > 0:02:03And so we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Paul and Victoria, take a look at this. Yes.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Ah, yes there's been an election and the man with the...
0:02:07 > 0:02:10It's always full that pint, it's never half full.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Is it still being supplied up his arm?
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Um, and there are people congratulating him
0:02:14 > 0:02:15on not finishing the pint.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18And there's somebody... Go on, get stuck in 'ere.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Um, yes, so those are the losers, I think.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Those are the people who wish
0:02:23 > 0:02:26they weren't standing in the gymnasium with no votes.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30And this is a re-enactment of the Kennedy assassination.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Oh, no, it isn't.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34I'm hoping it isn't a question very specifically about the results
0:02:34 > 0:02:36cos I didn't really look at the results.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38I voted. Yes.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40But then I thought it was a bit like when I bought
0:02:40 > 0:02:41a DVD of the Hurt Locker.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44I thought, "I've done my bit, I don't actually have to watch it." No.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46It was the best result for someone
0:02:46 > 0:02:48who is not the main party for 100 years.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49And the annoying thing is,
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Farage says, "I'm going to do this," and he did it, you know?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55And in our political life, saying you're going to do something
0:02:55 > 0:02:57and then doing it is REALLY annoying.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02UKIP foxes in the Westminster henhouse. It is. Yes.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05The Sun very helpfully showed us what he'd look like as a fox.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Oh, did it?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09It's also not true because they're not in the Westminster henhouse
0:03:09 > 0:03:11because he hasn't got any MPs.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14That sounds very grudging.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17And it's not just because, you know, you look at the effect that
0:03:17 > 0:03:20having a go at him on this programme produced.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27When the results came in, he said it was his dream come true, wasn't it?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29I don't know. I'd quite like my dream to come true
0:03:29 > 0:03:32because I once dreamt I'd run him over with a plough.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38I was gutted when I woke up in the morning.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41To be fair, though, whatever we all say about Nigel Farage,
0:03:41 > 0:03:44he is always drunk.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48So it's possible he doesn't know he's leading a political party.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51He is on a massive international pub crawl.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54People basically voted for him because they thought,
0:03:54 > 0:03:56"He drinks in the daytime too."
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Yes, his influence has been particularly strong in Essex,
0:04:01 > 0:04:04a tradition of a Tory heartland. And Epping Forest as well.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07There's a tree here we have that looks very like Nigel Farage.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15The political classes are being accused of failing to understand
0:04:15 > 0:04:16the people who vote UKIP,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19so I think let's just have a look for ourselves. Yeah.
0:04:19 > 0:04:24Really we want to get out of the EEC and fight for our own
0:04:24 > 0:04:26and be a better Great Britain again.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30Like before it was, before it was, before it was everything else,
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Great Britain was all over the world then.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37I tell you, Bruce Willis has let himself go, hasn't he?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40LAUGHTER
0:04:40 > 0:04:43And what did the BNP's Nick Griffin, who lost his MEP seat,
0:04:43 > 0:04:45what did he have to say?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Nick Griffin said they were racist.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Which is...
0:04:50 > 0:04:53It's like when Karl Lagerfeld said that Adele was ugly,
0:04:53 > 0:04:56when he looks like he's been doodled by a lunatic.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00It was the most encouraging thing about the election.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04I mean it's the biggest swing to the far right Europe's ever known
0:05:04 > 0:05:07and in this country, the BNP lose their ONE seat!
0:05:08 > 0:05:10You know, we've got far-right lite.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12It's sort of golf-club right we've got.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16We haven't got Front National jackboot.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Even one of the German leaders said, "They're fascists," you know?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23And they have got a good record of spotting them.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25Nick Griffin said...
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Oh. ..and explained their drop in support by saying...
0:05:37 > 0:05:40The Conservatives are very upbeat and gung ho. Why is that?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42They don't understand the situation.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Normally, if you're the party in power,
0:05:47 > 0:05:49you get wiped out during these elections.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53They didn't do that badly. I mean, none of the main parties. They lost.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56It's a very boring analysis. You can tell I was up all night.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00It was fabulous. It was like the FA Cup final for some reason.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Some Tories have absolutely no hope of winning back
0:06:04 > 0:06:05the voters of a place like Essex,
0:06:05 > 0:06:07including the Tory MP for Thurrock.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Jackie Doyle-Price said...
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Here is the Sky News reporter Jon Craig
0:06:16 > 0:06:19trying to describe what David Cameron's next move is.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23David Cameron will travel to Brussels later today for a meeting with
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Europe's leaders that was always scheduled for immediately
0:06:25 > 0:06:28after the European elections but now has assumed...
0:06:28 > 0:06:30BIG BEN CHIMES Oh, fuckin' hell...
0:06:32 > 0:06:37We do apologise for that. That was not really according,
0:06:37 > 0:06:40and our apologies from Sky News.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46He's been caught out. He's pretending it's live. Yes.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48How long's that clock been there?
0:06:52 > 0:06:53I love the way he's so calm.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56I thought that was the report of what the European leaders had said.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Yes, these are the big winners in the EU elections.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04The UKIP leader's wife gave a behind-the-scenes glimpse of life
0:07:04 > 0:07:07chez Farage, as he never calls it, telling the Daily Telegraph...
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Ah, yes, the '70s.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16They don't make them like that any more cos they're not allowed to.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Politicians turn to meat-based imagery to win over voters.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Italy's Beppe Grillo said...
0:07:27 > 0:07:28Farage said...
0:07:31 > 0:07:34While Ed Miliband has promised never again to eat another bacon sandwich.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36LAUGHTER
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Ian and Joe, take a look at this.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Lovely day out. Oh, this is him weeping.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49He's looking very red-eyed. People think he was crying.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53Um, that's Lord Oakeshott trying to get rid of Clegg as leader.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57And that's Cable running away from the responsibility.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58This is the fallout.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00The Liberals had a very bad night.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Hmm. As soon as the elections were up, without saying
0:08:04 > 0:08:05what's going to happen, they said,
0:08:05 > 0:08:08"You're going to resign, Clegg. You're going to resign.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11"Do you want to resign now? Go on, cry. Go on, cry.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14"How are you feeling? Resign. Cry."
0:08:14 > 0:08:16And then...
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Look, I'm a journalist. I know how it's done. Yes!
0:08:20 > 0:08:22The headline on the BBC website was
0:08:22 > 0:08:26"Clegg, exhausted, red-eyed and pale."
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Which I thought was quite good because
0:08:28 > 0:08:30women MPs get so ripped apart
0:08:30 > 0:08:32for what they look like and their shoes and so on.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35At least it's happening to the men as well.
0:08:35 > 0:08:40"Exhausted, red-eyed and pale. And is that cellulite I spot?"
0:08:40 > 0:08:43I thought, "The boot's on the other foot."
0:08:43 > 0:08:46There was a Lib Dem coup to try and get rid of Clegg,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49which failed utterly and was ridiculous...
0:08:49 > 0:08:52cos the Lib Dems were doing it.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54They can't even do a coup.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58That bloke Lord Oakeshott conducted a poll saying,
0:08:58 > 0:09:00"Would it be better if we didn't have Clegg as the leader?"
0:09:00 > 0:09:04And then he said Cable knew about this
0:09:04 > 0:09:07because the alternative leader is Cable.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Vince Cable said, "I didn't know about it."
0:09:09 > 0:09:12And then Oakeshott said, "Yes, you did."
0:09:12 > 0:09:15He was asked whether he would like to be the new leader and he went,
0:09:15 > 0:09:19"No, I definitely don't." But I'm pretty sure afterwards
0:09:19 > 0:09:20he winked.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Sh! The poll was then leaked anonymously to The Guardian
0:09:24 > 0:09:28who only said it had been commissioned by a Lib Dem supporter.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30The company that carried out the poll, ICM, would only say that...
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Vince Cable gave a bit more of a hint, saying...
0:09:40 > 0:09:42A senior Lib Dem was quoted as saying...
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Lord Oakeshott's manoeuvrings
0:09:51 > 0:09:53have been described in the press as a putsch.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55What's a putsch?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58JOE: A spelling mistake.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00A putsch is where you topple someone. Exactly.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02I don't know why they use a German word. There's an English word -
0:10:02 > 0:10:04coup d'etat.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Oakeshott took some other pot shots. He said that...
0:10:13 > 0:10:14And that the Lib Dems are a party...
0:10:17 > 0:10:20On the plus side, no little backstabby Lord Oakeshott.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26If Clegg is to go, who are the frontrunners to succeed?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Chris Huhne is apparently up for it.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Chris Huhne was Matthew Oakeshott's choice.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Oakeshott funded Chris Huhne and wanted him to be leader.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Charles Kennedy. Is he going to come back?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41That'd be nice. Wouldn't it be nice?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43If all it requires is to go down the pub, then...
0:10:43 > 0:10:45LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Let's finish the round. UKIP have proved they are a serious party,
0:10:50 > 0:10:51running for serious power.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Here is Labour MEP Catherine Stihler waiting for the result
0:10:54 > 0:10:57in Edinburgh, along with the ultimately successful
0:10:57 > 0:10:59UKIP MEP, David Coburn.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04Good luck with that, Edinburgh.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07This is the Lib Dems' disastrous election result
0:11:07 > 0:11:09and here's Nick Clegg after the elections at a youth club
0:11:09 > 0:11:11in Westminster.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13There we go - sinking the yellows.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:20 > 0:11:22The Green Party complained that in spite of getting
0:11:22 > 0:11:25more votes than the Lib Dems, the BBC was completely ignoring them.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Anyway, here's another picture of Nigel Farage with a pint.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33And so to round two, The Picture Pull-Out Quiz.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Much the same as The Picture Spin Quiz
0:11:35 > 0:11:38but we've dispensed with that expensive spinner.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44BUZZER
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Yes. Luis Suarez has got a knee injury.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49There's a World Cup coming up soon.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51He's playing for Uruguay against England.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53He's had a successful knee operation.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Luis has apparently texted all of England's players to say that
0:11:56 > 0:11:59he will be ready and fit in time. Yes. I'm not a doctor
0:11:59 > 0:12:03but if he doesn't want a knee injury, maybe he should stop running about
0:12:03 > 0:12:04and kicking things.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07What did The Sun do to help make Luis feel a bit better?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Did they make his knee look like a fox?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14They've got this special fox applicator now -
0:12:14 > 0:12:15they feel they should use it every week.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18They sent him a "get well slowly" card.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20It's a sad state of affairs where
0:12:20 > 0:12:23we're hoping that the other players get hurt.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26It's not a good strategy.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29I honestly don't think we're going to win the World Cup.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Ooh! Shut up!
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Let's go out in a blaze of glory.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Let's not take our best players. Let's take our worst players.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Let's take 11 pensioners.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Let's take the 1966 World Cup team.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46The best chance we've got is if
0:12:46 > 0:12:49they don't complete the stadiums in time.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54They'll just have to call it a draw.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57On the subject of football, what is this?
0:12:57 > 0:13:01Stephen Hawking's formula for how England will win the World Cup.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02That's it!
0:13:04 > 0:13:05Here he is. There we are.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08I think he's losing his touch, if I'm honest.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13It's been put together by Paddy Power, an Irish bookmaker's,
0:13:13 > 0:13:15as a publicity stunt in the hope that
0:13:15 > 0:13:17news media will pick up on it.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Hawking summed up our chances by saying...
0:13:26 > 0:13:29He obviously wasn't at Wayne Rooney's last birthday party.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Who surprised everyone by kicking a football this week?
0:13:35 > 0:13:36Alex Salmond. Exactly.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Heading a ball.
0:13:38 > 0:13:43Trying to appeal to ex-SNP voters, who'd gone over to UKIP.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47What is the big football news from Scotland?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Oh, come on!
0:13:49 > 0:13:52They drew with Nigeria.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54That's the big news. This is the big news.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56It's being investigated by police over claims
0:13:56 > 0:13:58it had been targeted by match fixers.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Would you like to see the Nigerian goalkeeper not saving a goal?
0:14:01 > 0:14:02I'd love to see it.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05At that speed...
0:14:05 > 0:14:07LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:14:10 > 0:14:12I saw 20 quid sticking out of his glove.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Afterwards he said, "Whoopsie, what am I like?"
0:14:19 > 0:14:21That's amazing.
0:14:21 > 0:14:27Do you not get arrested for that?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29I thought you were. No, we're not.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Don't bring us into it. No, look at this.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Nothing untoward.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37That's fine.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Alarm bells started ringing when someone bet 50p on Scotland.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45The goal was disallowed.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47And he's their coach - he should know.
0:14:51 > 0:14:58He had 50 grand on a draw. He had 50 grand on a draw.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59The Sun delivered a "get well slowly" card to Suarez
0:14:59 > 0:15:05to the Uruguayan embassy.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18BUZZER
0:15:18 > 0:15:19This is the Home Alone guy,
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Macaulay Culkin, who's set up a band
0:15:22 > 0:15:25who are a sort of parody of The Velvet Underground,
0:15:25 > 0:15:26but the parodies involve pizzas.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Exactly right. They're called The Pizza Underground.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33So do we have some song titles with pizza puns in them? Yes.
0:15:36 > 0:15:37Well, that's not a pun.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Where's "I'm Waiting For Deep Pan"?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Well, they haven't even done "Sgt Pepperoni".
0:15:49 > 0:15:51GROANS AND APPLAUSE
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Thank you very much.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57This is where you've got to ask, you groan at Sgt Pepperoni
0:15:57 > 0:15:59but not at I'm Beginning To Eat The Slice?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02They played in Nottingham where an angry music fan,
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Patrick Mendes, told Culkin...
0:16:08 > 0:16:10And then they went to Manchester.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Macaulay Culkin stormed off stage
0:16:11 > 0:16:14after a fan interrupted his kazoo solo.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18In other pop news... Yes. What is going on here?
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Geoffrey Boycott and who is that?
0:16:21 > 0:16:25JOE: Katy Perry. It is Katy Perry. Oh, I knew that.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Geoffrey Boycott got to meet his favourite pop star, Katy Perry.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Bit of a slapper meeting the charming Katy Perry.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Here he is on Test Match Special.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35BOYCOTT: 'I'm a good fan of pop music.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37'I like that Katy Perry.
0:16:37 > 0:16:42'She's a good singer. Firework - that was a good record, that.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44'She just has something about her voice.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46'Her voice is good, it's clear, it's strong.'
0:16:48 > 0:16:52'Well, that's wonderful, I'm pleased...'
0:16:52 > 0:16:56'I don't think I'll ever meet her, Henry. She's American.'
0:16:58 > 0:17:03Also in our pop round-up, Ian, what have 1D been up to? 1D?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Who are 1D? One Direction. A penny in old currency, my lord.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12According to Smash Hits, they've, um...
0:17:14 > 0:17:16..they've been smoking marijuana -
0:17:16 > 0:17:20and I, for one, will not be buying their calendars any more.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28They also, er, filmed themselves smoking it.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32Now, I'm old-fashioned, I know, but if you're going to smoke marijuana,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35don't film it cos you may get caught.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37It's the same reason I don't film myself stealing from petty cash.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Two members of One Direction, Tomlinson and Malik,
0:17:43 > 0:17:47are alleged to be smoking a spliff in this video shot in Peru.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50If you're in Peru, I think it is obligatory to smoke a joint in a car.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52It's in the driving test.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56The Mail Online reported instances
0:17:56 > 0:17:59of the band's huge global fan base...
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Using them as a roach, I should think.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Fingers on buzzers.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10BUZZER
0:18:10 > 0:18:14Yes, Paul and Victoria. Laugh... Laugh Out Loud, or whatever it is.
0:18:14 > 0:18:1725 years old as an abbreviation, as an acronym, whatever it is, LOL.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Has it always been Lots Of Love? No? Laugh Out Loud.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Laugh Out Loud. Right.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27You might have two rethink some of those tweets.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I don't like... I don't like the shortening of all this.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35I don't do it, I've kind of got to a point
0:18:35 > 0:18:37where I sort of do a protest against it
0:18:37 > 0:18:41where, when I send a text message, I do it like a formal letter.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I put my full postal address at the top.
0:18:48 > 0:18:54Then their address. Then I put the date. Dear Sir or Madam...
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Further to your tweet of the 3rd... That's right.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05That sounds terrific. Do you want to send me one? I can't. It takes ages.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10Meanwhile, this week, Google dramatically changed their logo.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Oh, God! Have you seen this?
0:19:14 > 0:19:18And I've just had 5,000 T-shirts printed. Here's the dusty old logo.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Watch, cos here is the new one. Yeah.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Hey, there you go.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Did I blink and miss it? Do you see what they've done? No.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28They've moved the second G one pixel to the right
0:19:28 > 0:19:31and taken the L one pixel down and one to the right.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33So...there we go. Does that help them avoid tax?
0:19:35 > 0:19:36They could certainly offset it.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Yes, this is the news that the acronym LOL is 25 years old.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Another widely used online phrase is Rolling On Floor Laughing,
0:19:47 > 0:19:50shortened to ROFL, but nowadays if you sign off your message
0:19:50 > 0:19:54with that, you really have got to get the spelling right.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59And now onto the odd-one-out round.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Ian and Joe, your four are Kim Kardashian,
0:20:02 > 0:20:04the Crown Prince and Princess of Thailand,
0:20:04 > 0:20:05the owner of Fenton
0:20:05 > 0:20:07and Jeremy Clarkson.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Fenton was the dog whose owner was on video
0:20:10 > 0:20:12when he was chasing the deer.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Jeremy Clarkson's been in trouble, he's been in trouble a lot,
0:20:15 > 0:20:17but the racist incident before the last one...
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Is this slope or eeny meeny?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Oh, no, no, sorry, before the last one before the last one,
0:20:23 > 0:20:26so, yes, we're going about four racist incidents before that.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28The Mexicans. Come forward from the Mexicans.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Whoa! Too far, too far, back it up now.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Oh, he called his dog after a footballer.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39Didier Drogba. But he called it? Didier Dogba. Yes.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42All of them have dogs. Except for one of them.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Except for the Thailand people.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Weren't the Thai people in a sex scandal?
0:20:49 > 0:20:50There was a video made.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53If there was a dog in that video, I really don't want to see a clip.
0:20:53 > 0:20:58They had a birthday party for... A dog! The dog's birthday party.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Yes, meanwhile, what's going on in...
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Meanwhile, on the other side of Europe,
0:21:04 > 0:21:07a man in a hut in Sweden is inventing dynamite. Erm...
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Embarrassing incidents to do with their dogs.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11Except for Kim Kardashian.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Except for Kim Kardashian. JOE: Because her wedding...
0:21:14 > 0:21:17No, the dog was a bridesmaid. The dog was the vicar.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20They were married by a dog, and Labrador,
0:21:20 > 0:21:22"Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff!"
0:21:22 > 0:21:26That's, "I pronounce you man and wife." I'm going with that.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28There was a dog festival or something. A dog marathon.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30And they had to pause the wedding.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33They had to block the road outside the villa
0:21:33 > 0:21:36where Kim was having her wedding so the wedding party had to dash
0:21:36 > 0:21:38to their cars before the road got closed.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Have you ever been involved in any car dash, Ian?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42GROANING
0:21:44 > 0:21:46VICTORIA: I think that's good, I think that's good.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Car dash, Ian?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53So they're the odd ones out. Who are? Oh, the, the...
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Kim Kardashian is the odd one out,
0:21:56 > 0:21:59because they have all got into trouble over their dog,
0:21:59 > 0:22:02apart from Kim Kardashian who had trouble getting to her wedding
0:22:02 > 0:22:04after a road was shut due to a dog marathon.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Kim Kardashian invited Justin Bieber to the wedding,
0:22:07 > 0:22:09so even after the bride and groom had left,
0:22:09 > 0:22:11there was still a massive arse to stare at.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Jeremy Clarkson was recently accused of racism
0:22:17 > 0:22:20for naming his black West Highland terrier "Didier Dogba".
0:22:20 > 0:22:22There was more canine-based racial tension
0:22:22 > 0:22:23when in a park near Chelsea
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Didier Dogba bumped into John Terrier.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29The Crown Prince and Princess of Thailand
0:22:29 > 0:22:32threw an extravagant birthday party for their pet poodle Foo Foo,
0:22:32 > 0:22:34which, according to a former US ambassador,
0:22:34 > 0:22:36holds the rank of air chief marshal.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Of course that wouldn't happen over here,
0:22:38 > 0:22:41as the highest rank a poodle can achieve is Deputy Prime Minister.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45If you're going to have a dog, it should be a decent size. Yeah.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47When Paris Hilton is clambering out of a limousine,
0:22:47 > 0:22:50I don't want to see her Chihuahua.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Paul and Victoria, here are yours.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56The Colosseum... Yes.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57..sheep in Northern Ireland... Yeah.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59..dog poo in Swansea...
0:22:59 > 0:23:01and a South Korean parking space.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03I know about that, cos I heard about that on the radio.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06They're having special parking spaces for women...
0:23:06 > 0:23:09which are going to be bigger than normal parking spaces.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13So, what happens if you park in the wrong sexual space?
0:23:13 > 0:23:14I don't know.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18If you haven't found out by now... Well...
0:23:18 > 0:23:20They're also going to be painted...
0:23:20 > 0:23:21Pink? Pink.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Painted pink? They are. Yes.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Like....a sheep.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27In Northern Ireland. Yes.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30And the Colosseum, which is now pink.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Is it? No. No...
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Why might sheep... I know Italy's lax about ruins, but you know...
0:23:38 > 0:23:42If that picture of a dog was put up by the Swansea Tourist Board,
0:23:42 > 0:23:45then they really misjudged it. No. OK, now, OK...
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Ah, is this the dog that excretes autumn leaves?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52When dogs leave something on the pavement,
0:23:52 > 0:23:54they're going to spray it pink.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Yes. Really? That's exactly right. Really?
0:23:56 > 0:23:58In order to highlight the problem of dog do...
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Won't that attract female drivers?
0:24:02 > 0:24:03"It's pink!" Only Koreans.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05"It's pink!"
0:24:05 > 0:24:07APPLAUSE
0:24:07 > 0:24:10But, in Swansea, this is to highlight the problem
0:24:10 > 0:24:15of dogs fouling the pavement,
0:24:15 > 0:24:19have taken this one step further.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23with the words "dog poo" on them, to help people to avoid them.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24Which is nice.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27JOE: I think it's time to get another hobby.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33This might be in the advice of a court.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36So, the sheep must have been painted pink as well, then.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37Do you know why?
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Yes. Because they love it.
0:24:38 > 0:24:43It's their favourite colour. Look at him, he's happy, that one.
0:24:43 > 0:24:52the others are dyed pink, and it's natural colour IS pink.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54which is undergoing a massive clean-up operation,
0:24:54 > 0:25:10which will reveal the original stone had a natural pink hue.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17which this week features as its guest publication Pain News.
0:25:17 > 0:25:22An annual subscription to Pain News can cost ?250.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24And we start with...
0:25:31 > 0:25:31It can, it's true.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Next...
0:25:39 > 0:25:46JOE: Points out how pointless her stupid effing job is.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Apparently the estate agent called the woman "rude" and...
0:25:58 > 0:26:00..before writing, "Do you want a job?"
0:26:02 > 0:26:03APPLAUSE
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Next...
0:26:09 > 0:26:10DRAWLS: "Hello...
0:26:12 > 0:26:14"Put these on."
0:26:14 > 0:26:17VICTORIA: Cirencester Agricultural College. Yes.
0:26:23 > 0:26:30A spokesman explained the university's thinking...
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Said Mr Bottom-Spanki.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36Next...
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Household pets.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Is it Wayne Rooney?
0:26:49 > 0:26:50APPLAUSE
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Well, that tells you something about the British.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55You boo the idea that pets might be involved,
0:26:55 > 0:26:58but Wayne Rooney gets a round of applause!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00I don't even know who he is. No.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02Top Gear.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03The answer is...
0:27:03 > 0:27:05LAUGHTER
0:27:08 > 0:27:10The answer is...
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Oh.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12And finally...
0:27:16 > 0:27:17Gibraltar!
0:27:23 > 0:27:26This is from an editorial from the newly-appointed editor
0:27:26 > 0:27:28who drones on about thanking his wife
0:27:28 > 0:27:30for letting him accept the challenge, adding...
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Though having read his entire editorial,
0:27:36 > 0:27:39I would suggest that "happy wife" is having an affair.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45They're watching this programme! Yeah!
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Well, one of them is. The other one's pretending to be at work.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51So, the final scores at the end of that round
0:27:51 > 0:27:54are Ian and Joe two, Paul and Victoria seven.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57APPLAUSE
0:27:57 > 0:27:59They recognised the European election, and that was it.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03On which note we say thank you to our panellists
0:28:03 > 0:28:04Ian Hislop and Joe Wilkinson,
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Paul Merton and Victoria Coren Mitchell,
0:28:06 > 0:28:09and I leave you with the news that in Hampshire
0:28:09 > 0:28:11a vet manages to relieve Daisy the cow
0:28:11 > 0:28:14after three days of gastric bloat.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:28:16 > 0:28:18There are concerns that Cabinet Office Minister Francis Maude
0:28:18 > 0:28:21may be suffering from water retention.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25And onlookers show their concern
0:28:25 > 0:28:29as Nigel Farage is trapped high up in a burning hotel building.
0:28:33 > 0:28:34Good night.
0:29:13 > 0:29:17# I think I saw you... #
0:29:19 > 0:29:23MUSIC: "A Sky Full Of Stars" by Coldplay
0:29:27 > 0:29:29Watch highlights from Radio 1's Big Weekend.