0:00:26 > 0:00:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Good evening.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Welcome to this election special of Have I Got News For You.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42I'm Jo Brand.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43In the news this week,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46at a last Conservative Party election rally,
0:00:46 > 0:00:50arts minister Sajid Javid begins to suspect
0:00:50 > 0:00:52he's only there for reasons of symmetry.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01As if his stay hasn't been bad enough,
0:01:01 > 0:01:06one MP has to attend an inquiry into some missing parliamentary cutlery.
0:01:06 > 0:01:07What's in your pockets?
0:01:07 > 0:01:08Nothing.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Empty-pocketed?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Well, I have a pen and a diary card. That's it.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19From a hotel in the Lake District, rather intrusive footage emerges
0:01:19 > 0:01:22of breakfast being served to me and my husband.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34And in a pub in Scotland, CCTV captures the exact moment
0:01:34 > 0:01:37when news reaches the last Lib Dem supporter
0:01:37 > 0:01:41that Alistair Carmichael has kept his seat in Orkney.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52On Ian's team tonight is a stand-up comedian
0:01:52 > 0:01:55who used to play in a five-a-side soccer team
0:01:55 > 0:01:56called Real Madras.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58If you're watching, Mr Cameron,
0:01:58 > 0:02:00they're your favourite Spanish football club.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Please welcome Romesh Ranganathan.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:09 > 0:02:12And with Paul tonight is the Channel 4 news presenter
0:02:12 > 0:02:16who recently said, "Sex comes into every evaluation of a woman.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18"It is rather a delicious thing, really,
0:02:18 > 0:02:21"'what might have been', or 'what could be'".
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Let's leave it at might have been, shall we?
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Please welcome Jon Snow.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:32 > 0:02:35And we start with the bigger election stories of the week,
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Ian and Romesh, take a look at this.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Trying to get out the country.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43This is the race to get the first result in,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45while people are still awake.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48The woman can't count. She's devastated.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Ed Miliband looking chilled out.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52They're shouting at him.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54So relaxed. "You're an immigrant?" "No."
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- This is the throne.- The legend.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01This is the sway.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- And it's the winner.- I hate you.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Oh, there's balance.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09These are all people who've gone.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Liberals, Hughes, poor old Danny Alexander.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13"Have I won?"
0:03:13 > 0:03:14No.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16No, he stayed in as punishment.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21And then it's goodbye.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24It was quite exciting, cos everyone said it was unpredictable...
0:03:24 > 0:03:26meaning they'd got it wrong.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30So we had this exit poll which came out,
0:03:30 > 0:03:32which more or less told you what the result would be,
0:03:32 > 0:03:35which was a Tory win, except they'd understated the win.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Then everyone spent the rest of the evening going,
0:03:38 > 0:03:39"Well, if this poll's right...
0:03:39 > 0:03:41"Oh, God, it is right."
0:03:43 > 0:03:46"I'm just going to stay up to see if the exit poll's wro...
0:03:46 > 0:03:48"Oh, no. I've stayed up for no reason."
0:03:48 > 0:03:52They had Paddy Ashdown on at the beginning of the evening saying,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55"If that exit poll's right, I'm going to eat my hat."
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Typical Lib Dem, at the end of the evening, they gave him a hat.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Did he keep his promise?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:04 > 0:04:05You're absolutely right, Ian.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- It was the election.- It was.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- It was the election, wasn't it? - It was the election!
0:04:11 > 0:04:13I think we've nailed that question.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14Well done, one point.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17All the people who were leaders at the beginning of the evening
0:04:17 > 0:04:19don't appear to be now.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23It's the end of Clegg, apparently. The end of Miliband.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Could be the end of Farage.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Can I just tell you...? It is the end of Farage.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- It is the end of Farage. - Indeed it is.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:35 > 0:04:39So, well, total wipeout for the Lib Dems. Who's gone, then?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- You mentioned a few of them. - Vince Cable.- Cable, yeah.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44- Danny Alexander.- Yes.- Simon Hughes.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48- Indeed.- Charles Kennedy.- Yep. - Everyone you've heard of.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49Indeed.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50They've all gone.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52But not Nick Clegg.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54- No.- In an MP-y-y-y sort of way.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56He was very optimistic on Wednesday.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Let's just have a look at him on BBC News.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02A few hours away from the polls closing tomorrow night,
0:05:02 > 0:05:05and I think we will be the surprise story of the night...
0:05:08 > 0:05:11You know, Channel 4's trying to sign him up as the Last Clegg.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Wahey.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19- Ah, Romesh, well done. - I loved it, Jon.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- Two professionals in here. - Knocked it out the park, man.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Also, according to BBC News...
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Is there going to be a special prize for the first politician
0:05:35 > 0:05:40- that says he has a vision for 2020? - AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Possibly.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45That was a strange reaction, wasn't it?
0:05:45 > 0:05:49All the hundreds of polls leading up to the election were inaccurate.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Yeah, for about six months.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52I know.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Everything everyone said all this year is rubbish.
0:05:54 > 0:05:59Is that because we, the public, are a bunch of lying bastards?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Farage has been banging on about not trusting the polls for ages,
0:06:02 > 0:06:03hasn't he?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:09 > 0:06:12It's a problem with democracy, isn't it?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14People just don't vote the way you want them to.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19It's a problem. I know it upsets you.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Like in '92, a lot of people voted Tory at the last minute
0:06:22 > 0:06:25having said to the polls, "Oh, yeah, Labour.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28"Yeah..."
0:06:28 > 0:06:30You've talked about Paddy Ashdown and what he said he'd do.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Let's just have a little look actually saying that.
0:06:34 > 0:06:39If this exit poll is anywhere near right,
0:06:39 > 0:06:41this is beyond your worst nightmares.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43If this exit poll is right, Andrew,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46I will publicly eat my hat on your programme.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Paddy Ashdown's been pictured wearing a bacon hat.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58Also, Alastair Campbell said he'd eat his kilt.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00David O'Doherty tweeted...
0:07:04 > 0:07:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Peter Kellner, the president of YouGov,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15went on to defend himself by saying...
0:07:19 > 0:07:23However, Ed Balls was remaining optimistic.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Mr Balls, thank you very much for joining us.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29First of all, there's been this story going the rounds on Twitter
0:07:29 > 0:07:32and all the rest of it that you've been defeated.
0:07:32 > 0:07:37Have you heard anything about your result yet or not?
0:07:37 > 0:07:41David, the ballot boxes haven't even arrived in the count
0:07:41 > 0:07:44and they've got to be counted and then we'll get the result
0:07:44 > 0:07:47so I think maybe you should spend less time on Twitter
0:07:47 > 0:07:50and more time reporting the results when they're actually declared.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:07:52 > 0:07:56- Let's just see how it panned out for him.- That's the Shadow Chancellor.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58So good of him to explain the whole process.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00They get the votes in and then they count them?! Well, thank you, Ed.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Thank you for your insight, you little expert.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07He's an economist, he's good with figures.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Shall we see how it panned out for him?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Ed Balls, in the last few minutes, and Shadow Chancellor,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15lost his seat to the Conservatives.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17AUDIENCE MURMUR
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Is that an "Aww"?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21This is the Shadow Chancellor.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24No, some people were genuinely surprised, I think.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26- There were some people over here who didn't know.- I'm sorry.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28I thought it was a wave of empathy.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Is David Dimbleby going to call him and go,
0:08:30 > 0:08:33"Have they been counted now, Ed?"
0:08:33 > 0:08:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Now, Twitter's always a pleasure to follow with big events like this,
0:08:43 > 0:08:44isn't it, Ian?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47It is, yeah. I knew about that weeks ago.
0:08:48 > 0:08:53Eh, for example, Conservative Claire Perry tweeted after Mark Reckless
0:08:53 > 0:08:58lost his seat, and to be fair, she was very gracious about it...
0:09:02 > 0:09:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Well, Sky's Adam Boulton took a rare opportunity to have a snack.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16And we'll leave it there and I'll pass you back to Adam.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- MOUTH FULL: - Thank you very much indeed, Ed.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23APPLAUSE
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Was he...?
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Had he volunteered to eat Paddy's hat for him?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32'Can we just stop for a minute? Nick Clegg has resigned.'
0:09:32 > 0:09:33AUDIENCE GASP
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Ooh. Did you all hear that?
0:09:36 > 0:09:37- AUDIENCE:- Yes.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Nick Clegg has resigned.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Hold on, hold on a second. Don't applaud.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47- Do we have to start this from the top now?- Yes.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53- Do you think Ed is going to resign next?- Ed's going to resign.- Yeah.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54What about Cameron?
0:09:55 > 0:09:57See, I don't reckon he's up for another term.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- What a maverick move that would be. - It'd be brilliant.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Thanks so much and goodbye.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Anyway, it's been a long night of interviews,
0:10:07 > 0:10:09everyone rushing to get on all the channels.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Jon, you've had to interview people in a hurry in your time,
0:10:12 > 0:10:13- haven't you?- Mm.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Here's a recent example.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19..who concluded very firmly that what they were doing was lawful,
0:10:19 > 0:10:23it was proportionate, it was not intruding on privacy
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- and above all else, it was legal.- So...
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- Forgive me, I have to run for a train.- Yeah, OK.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Well, that unfortunately is that.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38This is the result of election night.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41One SNP gain from Labour saw Britain's youngest MP
0:10:41 > 0:10:45for over 300 years win the seat of Paisley and Renfrewshire,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48or as the BBC called it,
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Paisley and Renfrewshite South.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59George Galloway lost his seat, although presumably,
0:10:59 > 0:11:00it wasn't his fault.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Before the count, he was confident of retaining his seat
0:11:03 > 0:11:05but in the end, proved he had all the psychic powers
0:11:05 > 0:11:09of Paddy Ashdown as he lost by more than 10,000 votes.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Here is Galloway...
0:11:13 > 0:11:15..wearing his dinner on his head.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Labour's Yvette Cooper was re-elected
0:11:21 > 0:11:24but it was a doubly bad night for her husband, Ed Balls.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Not only did he lose his seat, he's now stuck with the childcare.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33They said he's got to be the sort of leader's spouse now
0:11:33 > 0:11:34so he has to come onstage and say,
0:11:34 > 0:11:37"I love her" and "She's really great"
0:11:37 > 0:11:39and then go off to the side and everyone says,
0:11:39 > 0:11:40"Look at his suit. Ew."
0:11:42 > 0:11:44"Where does he get his shoes from?"
0:11:44 > 0:11:46"Oh, he's lost a lot of weight."
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Paul and Jon, take a look at this.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52OK, so Nick Clegg celebrating the inevitable.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54JON: That's from Edstone to Headstone.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58There's the man saying goodbye and that's...
0:11:58 > 0:12:00What is he looking at in there?
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Just vote for goodness' sake.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Wining here.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09It's a message from his brother, David. He said, "I'm coming home."
0:12:10 > 0:12:13I wonder if David has actually been orchestrating things from behind
0:12:13 > 0:12:16the scenes, or just phoning up Ed going,
0:12:16 > 0:12:18"No, the stone tablet's a great idea.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21"No, they'll love it, it's going to be amazing."
0:12:21 > 0:12:24HE LAUGHS EVILLY
0:12:24 > 0:12:27APPLAUSE
0:12:27 > 0:12:31It was a terrific piece of counter-austerity. It cost £30,000.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32- Did it really?- Yeah.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35The weirdest thing about it was that he did the stone tablet,
0:12:35 > 0:12:36a massive stone tablet,
0:12:36 > 0:12:40and then signed it, like someone else might claim that work as their own.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42It was Banksy that did that.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Well, I think maybe he said,
0:12:44 > 0:12:49"Oh, you know I forgot the deficit in my last speech?
0:12:49 > 0:12:50"How can I remember it?"
0:12:50 > 0:12:54And they said, "Put it on your tablet."
0:12:54 > 0:12:55APPLAUSE
0:12:56 > 0:12:58But, unfortunately,
0:12:58 > 0:13:00it's one of those metaphors that comes to haunt you
0:13:00 > 0:13:03so he makes the stone tablet and then his head of policy says,
0:13:03 > 0:13:06in an interview, "So, is he going to keep all those pledges?"
0:13:06 > 0:13:09And she says, "Well, no, I mean it's not as though they're..."
0:13:09 > 0:13:11and the phrase, "..set in stone."
0:13:12 > 0:13:14INCOHERENT
0:13:14 > 0:13:19He was advised to do it by one of his team of special election twats.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Possibly one called Torsten Henricson-Bell.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28It's the working men's party.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Well, just in case my other joke didn't get it,
0:13:32 > 0:13:35I'll say it will go from Edstone to Headstone.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:39 > 0:13:41I mean, I don't want to be the first to say it but, you know,
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Paxman, really, he's not in your league.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48That could be taken in two ways.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54What's one of the more practical problems to do with Ed's slab?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56What are you going to do with it?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- There is that, but also no-one's sure where it is now.- Oh.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Jon thinks it's in Hastings.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04ROMESH: Jon, how do you know it's in Hastings?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Well, it certainly was in Hastings, that's where it happened.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09- Right, but you don't know if it's still there?
0:14:09 > 0:14:12I haven't been down to check but I'm going.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- Are you? - Well, I'm going to send someone.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Are you going to send Jeremy Paxman?
0:14:20 > 0:14:21Send him.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23APPLAUSE
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Tell him it's a secret mission.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28I'll go if you want cos I've got some relatives in Hastings
0:14:28 > 0:14:31so I could kill two birds with one stone.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Thank you.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Right, where have all the leaders actually been
0:14:40 > 0:14:42in the last seven days?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44All over the country. They're travelling all around.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- Quite literally.- Yes. - They have indeed.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Where did Nick Clegg go to? Does anyone know?
0:14:48 > 0:14:52- Southeast?- No, from Land's End to John O'Groats.- Did he?
0:14:52 > 0:14:54- With a stop in Coventry? - That's right.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59- Indeed.- Imagine if he hadn't done that. What would have happened then?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05He was meeting ordinary voters,
0:15:05 > 0:15:08at least the ones who didn't know he was coming.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13And he, according to the Times, in Newquay he...
0:15:17 > 0:15:19And he also...
0:15:21 > 0:15:25What else did he do in the name of alliteration, does anyone know?
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Poached a perch in Penrith?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Had a wank in Worcester?
0:15:31 > 0:15:36- I don't know. Don't worry, Ian, that won't go out.- I bet it will!
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Now, I had to go canvassing, myself,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41and we were just knocking on people's doors and the door
0:15:41 > 0:15:45next to me, sadly not mine, opened about an inch and a woman's voice
0:15:45 > 0:15:49floated out and said, "I'm naked, but I'm voting Labour."
0:15:52 > 0:15:56The Tories have been pretty much wiped out in Scotland, as usual.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Would you like to see Scottish Tory leader Ruth Davidson
0:15:59 > 0:16:00doing some politics?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Let's not undo all of the hard work of the last five years.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06It is the stability that's got our country back on crack
0:16:06 > 0:16:09that's allowed us to grow faster over the past five years.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16A lot better than skunk.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19No, I might move to Scotland.
0:16:19 > 0:16:24Now, let's have a look at how Britain went about voting yesterday.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27In Hull voters cast their vote in a boxing club.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32- I can't see any voters there, though. Hang on.- There's one there.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39And to end with, we've seen a lot of politicians visiting
0:16:39 > 0:16:42various factories in brightly coloured safety clobber.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44But they do tend to blend into one.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46So let's play a game of...
0:16:52 > 0:16:54OK, who's this?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56- JON SNOW: Clegg. - No, it's Osborne.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Osborne, God, give the job to Paxman!
0:17:00 > 0:17:02I think Clegg is in the body bag.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Just loading him into a diving bell for some reason.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14That's what they told him.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18Does anyone want to see the party leaders doing something really well?
0:17:18 > 0:17:23- Yes.- OK. Now, this has been on Sky News, so no-one's seen it.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26But it is very good. Let's have a look.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32# I've been really tryin', baby
0:17:34 > 0:17:39# Tryin' to hold back these feelings for so long
0:17:40 > 0:17:45# And if you feel like I feel, baby
0:17:45 > 0:17:46# Come on
0:17:46 > 0:17:48# Oh!
0:17:48 > 0:17:49# Come on
0:17:49 > 0:17:50# Whoa... #
0:17:50 > 0:17:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:59 > 0:18:01This is the lead-up to the big day.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05The giant stone was not Ed Miliband's finest moment of this election campaign.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Still, it's nothing compared to the bricks Nick Clegg was shitting last night.
0:18:11 > 0:18:16It's a bit... It's a bit liberal bashing, your script, isn't it?
0:18:16 > 0:18:17- Do you think I wrote it?- Yeah.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23- I didn't, Ian.- Just interested. - Are you a bit upset?- Yes, very.
0:18:23 > 0:18:28You can tell. No, I just like to see it all handed out evenly.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- A bit like Balham. - Not necessarily, no.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33You know, there's a lot of pain in the country.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36LAUGHTER
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Are you aware of how sinister that was?
0:18:42 > 0:18:46That was like a sort of American therapist with a personality disorder.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Ed's visit to Russell Brand's flat ended with Brand saying...
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Which makes a nice change from, "Just see yourself out, love."
0:19:02 > 0:19:04"The money's on the mantelpiece."
0:19:04 > 0:19:07AUDIENCE GROANS
0:19:07 > 0:19:10It's the same joke, I'm extending the same joke.
0:19:10 > 0:19:16Into a sort of payment relationship. It's a loving, but brief one.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18To get the groceries for the breakfast
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- you said you were going to get in the morning.- Oh, OK.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Even though you are a prostitute.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Time now for round two.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31And let's move on from talking about the election to
0:19:31 > 0:19:34answering some quickfire questions about the election.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Fingers on the buzzers. Here we go.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41During the campaign we learn that Gerry Adams likes to keep fit
0:19:41 > 0:19:44by trampolining, but what's unusual about the way he does it?
0:19:44 > 0:19:45Is it on Ian Paisley?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Oh, no, they're friends now. No, he's dead, isn't he?
0:19:48 > 0:19:51"Will you get off me, for God's sake!
0:19:51 > 0:19:55"You're jumping up and down on me like a trampoline."
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- That sort of thing. - That sort of thing.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01No, he admitted that he likes to jump up and down
0:20:01 > 0:20:04on a trampoline with his dog while naked.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06What kind of accident is he hoping for there?
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Which prospective councillor emerged as having a name
0:20:12 > 0:20:16- that sounds a bit rude? - Arthur Bottomley.- No, that's sweet.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I'm going to think of the rudest thing I can think of.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21Bottomley.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28No, it was Ukip prospective candidate for Barnsley...
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Now, what is going on here?
0:20:34 > 0:20:37I've just passed one of your manifestoes.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43This is a student, surprise surprise,
0:20:43 > 0:20:47at Solihull College who approached Nick Clegg for a selfie.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Let's have a look and see what happened.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Hi, guys.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Oops.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01Poor chap. There is a lot of pain in the country.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02Fingers back on buzzers.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Ed Miliband was interviewed by the Guardian this week.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07He answered one question by saying he had some,
0:21:07 > 0:21:09but didn't use them every day.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- What was the question? - Oh, good ideas.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Chiselling equipment.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Let's have a look at one of the tougher questions
0:21:22 > 0:21:25he faced during the campaign.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Do you own a pair of Wellington boots?
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Ha! That is a good question.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31I think I probably do,
0:21:31 > 0:21:35but I wouldn't say they are, you know, used every day.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42What I want to know is what questions had he been asked previously
0:21:42 > 0:21:45to think that was one of the good ones?
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Finally, on Tuesday, Vince Cable and Nick Clegg got together
0:21:50 > 0:21:53to paint ceramic plates in Richmond,
0:21:53 > 0:21:56but what disappeared during the photo opportunity?
0:21:56 > 0:21:57BUZZER
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Their integrity?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03No - it was Vince Cable's bike, which got stolen.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:22:04 > 0:22:06He's had a great week, hasn't he?
0:22:08 > 0:22:09That means he's lost two seats.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Just goes to show you should never give up.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31We'll have to include the other two bozo jokes
0:22:31 > 0:22:32to make that one work, now.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41To celebrate the success, we have to show the dismal failure.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Otherwise them clapping, that looks very odd indeed.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Time now for the Missing Words round,
0:22:48 > 0:22:51which this week features some quotes from election night
0:22:51 > 0:22:53and we start with...
0:22:56 > 0:22:58ROMESH: ..distract you from the fact
0:22:58 > 0:23:00that Gary is a ridiculous name for a cat.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02I've got a cat called Colin.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Well, that doesn't mean that it's OK, does it?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- Are you serious? Colin?- Yeah.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10So when he's out, you open the door, go, "Colin!"
0:23:10 > 0:23:13People must think you're looking for a bloke.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17There's no way they'll think Colin's a cat.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Well, the judge believed me.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Here is the confused kitten.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30LAUGHTER AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:23:30 > 0:23:33ROMESH: He's probably thinking, "Why the hell am I called Gary?"
0:23:33 > 0:23:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Next...
0:23:43 > 0:23:44JON: Man with chisel.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53- Shall we have a look?- Yes. - Might be really interesting.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57..the opposite effect to what many people in Scotland want,
0:23:57 > 0:24:01which is, uh...they didn't want David Cameron to be Prime Minister
0:24:01 > 0:24:04and if that's what happens then, you know, we're going to have
0:24:04 > 0:24:07a very divided country...
0:24:07 > 0:24:09- DAVID DIMBLEBY:- Lucy Powell. - ..that needs repairing.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11The way he ate it was unacceptable as well, wasn't it?
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Just take the case off, you...
0:24:15 > 0:24:17..you savage, what's wrong with you?
0:24:22 > 0:24:25ROMESH: ..incredibly sexy and worn by legends?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29JON: ..are not what they seem.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33ROMESH: ..cause delays at airport security?
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Um - brace yourself, Romesh.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43JON: Oh, dear.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Well, I'm regretting some life decisions now.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48One is the beard,
0:24:48 > 0:24:50the second one is not ever cleaning my toilet.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52JON: There's a lot of pain in the country.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57You're...you're going to keep saying it, and at one point,
0:24:57 > 0:24:59it's going to be the perfect thing that could have been said.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00It's coming.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03According to a new study by microbiologists,
0:25:03 > 0:25:05beards could actually be dirtier than a toilet
0:25:05 > 0:25:09because of the rancid bacteria that they collect.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Still sexy, though.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13Next one...
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Birth certificate reveals she cannot form a government
0:25:18 > 0:25:21under the present legislation
0:25:21 > 0:25:23and has resigned her position as royal baby.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26Actually reveals...
0:25:29 > 0:25:31ROMESH: Well, what a...surprise...(!)
0:25:33 > 0:25:34And finally...
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Goodbye!
0:25:38 > 0:25:39Vince Cable says...
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- He did say that afterwards. - That doesn't make any sense, does it?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47You're optimistic before -
0:25:47 > 0:25:51when you realise you've done shit, stop being optimistic.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52But that's real grit.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54- FLOOR MANAGER:- Can we just stop for a minute, please?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Yeah, it's too much, isn't it?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Miliband has resigned.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59Oh, my God!
0:25:59 > 0:26:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:04 > 0:26:08As unexpected as I am to take on the leadership of the Labour Party...
0:26:10 > 0:26:13..and, indeed, the Liberal Democrats and Ukip as well,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16I will merge them all together into one almighty union.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Everything we said is completely irrelevant.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24So out of that seven, who's left? It's like the Magnificent Seven.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26- Nicola Sturgeon. - The three women are left.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28- Natalie Bennett. - Has she not resigned yet?
0:26:28 > 0:26:30- Leanne Wood... - Oh, come on!
0:26:32 > 0:26:34A lot of pressure, isn't there? A lot of pressure.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37You only got one seat. Give it back to Caroline Lucas.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38All the men have gone except Cameron.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Only the women have staying power.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42WOMEN IN AUDIENCE CHEER
0:26:42 > 0:26:43APPLAUSE
0:26:43 > 0:26:47You'll do anything for applause, won't you?
0:26:47 > 0:26:48I'll do anything for a woman.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57So the final scores are...
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Ian and Romesh have four
0:26:59 > 0:27:01and Paul and Jon have two.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04- Hey! Thank you.- Thank you.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:27:09 > 0:27:13Ian Hislop and Romesh Ranganathan, Paul Merton and Jon Snow
0:27:13 > 0:27:17and I leave with news that a retired couple on a coach trip
0:27:17 > 0:27:19are looking forward to enjoying the large piece of cheddar
0:27:19 > 0:27:21they've brought with them.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30In one constituency, the vote for the joke candidate
0:27:30 > 0:27:31is split three ways.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38At the end of a long and pointless election campaign
0:27:38 > 0:27:41where he's tried so hard not to be odd and weird,
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Ed Miliband finally gets to relax on the train journey home.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51After losing his seat, an aide wonders
0:27:51 > 0:27:55if Vince Cable now has time to give his eyebrows a quick trim.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00And the Labour party's stone slab
0:28:00 > 0:28:02bearing Ed Miliband's carved set of election pledges
0:28:02 > 0:28:04is put on display again,
0:28:04 > 0:28:06having been modified and brought up to date.
0:28:08 > 0:28:09Goodnight.