0:00:03 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:30 > 0:00:33APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Daniel Radcliffe.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42In the news this week...
0:00:42 > 0:00:45In London, Ed Miliband thinks he may have turned up too early
0:00:45 > 0:00:47for a party rally of his most loyal supporters.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Where are they?
0:00:52 > 0:00:54With more time on his hands, there's evidence that Jeremy Clarkson
0:00:54 > 0:00:57is looking for ways to liven up his weekly shop.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09And a man on his way to give a motivational speech
0:01:09 > 0:01:12on anger management narrowly misses his train to Ipswich.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19HE YELLS
0:01:22 > 0:01:26- Oh, dear.- On Ian's team tonight is a comedy actress who says to be
0:01:26 > 0:01:29a really good comedian, you need to have been sacked or in jail.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31At last, a bright future for Andy Coulson.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Please welcome Diane Morgan.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:39 > 0:01:42And with Paul tonight is a writer and satirist
0:01:42 > 0:01:45who claims he never answers his phone after six o'clock.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48So he's more relaxed but he'll miss out on thousands of pounds
0:01:48 > 0:01:49of compensation from mis-sold PPI.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Please welcome Armando Ianucci.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:59 > 0:02:02And we start with the first of what's going to be many montages
0:02:02 > 0:02:04of an increasingly tedious nature about the election.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- Paul and Armando, here's yours.- Yes.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10This is the TV debate. There's two of them having a go at each other.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14There's Nigel not really knowing what's going on and Nick's asleep.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Yes, this was the much-anticipated ITV leadership debate...
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- Who was it much anticipated by? - I enjoyed it.- Did you?
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Yeah, for those of us who watch that stuff, it's like the cup final.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26It's great. This is what we've waited for.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29The fact that it was a nil-all draw...
0:02:29 > 0:02:30Quite boring.
0:02:30 > 0:02:35In Ed Miliband's notes it said, "Look like you've much anticipated this."
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- The notes he left in his room... - Yes.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Was there any one you felt did particularly well or badly?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Well, let's see. Everyone expecting Natalie Bennett
0:02:42 > 0:02:44to have another brain freeze,
0:02:44 > 0:02:46which she didn't, so that was a triumph. And...
0:02:46 > 0:02:50- DIANE: I liked Leanne Wood's beehive. - She had a beehive?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- She had a beehive. - Was that a policy or a...?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- The hairdo.- Hairstyle. - Oh, right.- Yeah.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Don't try and drag Ian into popular cultural references.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Even if they're from the 1960s, it'll only confuse him.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05- You mentioned the notes Ed Miliband left in his room.- Yes.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Do you want to expand on what they said?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10"Do not leave these notes in my dressing room."
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- He...- That would've been good, wouldn't it?- Yeah.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17He reminded himself to be "a happy warrior",
0:03:17 > 0:03:20which is a phrase from William Wordsworth.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21According to the Sun...
0:03:26 > 0:03:29There's one thing you can say about Nelson is that
0:03:29 > 0:03:31he wasn't the ideal man of arms.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Any other notes that you remember him leaving himself?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- Look at the camera.- Yeah.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41And above all else, keep referring everything to you at home
0:03:41 > 0:03:43and the decision you, the people,
0:03:43 > 0:03:46are going to have to make in four weeks' time.
0:03:47 > 0:03:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:55 > 0:03:58What reason did David Cameron give for finally agreeing
0:03:58 > 0:04:00to take part in a leadership debate?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Well, he'd given so many reasons for not doing it, he'd said,
0:04:03 > 0:04:05"I'll do it if the Greens do it." The Greens said they'd do it
0:04:05 > 0:04:07and then he said, "OK, I'll do it if the other lot do it."
0:04:07 > 0:04:09They said they'd do it and he said,
0:04:09 > 0:04:12"Oh, I'll do it if it's not on a Tuesday."
0:04:12 > 0:04:13And eventually he had to do it
0:04:13 > 0:04:15and he was desperately keen not to debate.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19He said, "I am unblocking the logjam."
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- Which is never a pleasant job.- No.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Another star of the debate was this member of the audience
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- who had a pretty fantastic moustache.- Oh, yeah.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33He held the title of the best known moustachioed member of the audience
0:04:33 > 0:04:34of a election debate for a full week,
0:04:34 > 0:04:37at which point the Scottish leaders debate took place
0:04:37 > 0:04:39and the title was passed to this man.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48- Yes.- The first leadership debate involved Jeremy Paxman,
0:04:48 > 0:04:49Ed Miliband and David Cameron.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Can anyone remember what happened at the end of it that was rather odd?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Well, I thought it was that he asked him if he was all right.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- It was just a bit patronising, wasn't it?- Yeah.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58"I've been very, very rude to you.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02"I've said you're a geek and a weirdo and you betrayed your family,
0:05:02 > 0:05:04"but you all right?"
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Just quite odd, really.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I think we've got it here to look at the oddness.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I believe that I'm the best choice to be Prime Minister.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13- Ed Miliband, thank you.- Thank you.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16APPLAUSE
0:05:16 > 0:05:21- You OK, Ed?- Sorry? - You all right?- Yeah. Are you?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26A bit like a hit-and-run driver
0:05:26 > 0:05:29putting a pillow under the victim's head, isn't it?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31"Comfortable now?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34"Do you remember how you got here?"
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- But he didn't ask Cameron that.- No.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Fantastic, Cameron appears on a show with Paxman and Paxman asks him
0:05:40 > 0:05:43quite a difficult question and Cameron was outraged.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- "How dare you ask me questions!" - Yeah.- "I've come on a debate..."
0:05:46 > 0:05:48My favourite answer that Cameron gave,
0:05:48 > 0:05:50a brilliant politician's answer,
0:05:50 > 0:05:52was when they said, "What is it you regret most?"
0:05:52 > 0:05:54He just said, "Well, the things we did brilliantly,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56"we should've done sooner."
0:05:56 > 0:06:02Which is like a great way of not answering or fessing up to anything.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Another question for you, Ian,
0:06:04 > 0:06:06are you tough enough?
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Am I toughy nuts?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- Are you...?- You know that children's character.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16You are Toughy Nuts and I claim my £5.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Sorry, it's the beard. Tough enough.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- Look, it's...- That's a drawback for an actor, isn't it?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- Your beard, if he can't be heard through the beard.- I know. Terrible.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30- I can never do stage work again. - You could be on Jamaica Inn.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32IAN LAUGHS
0:06:33 > 0:06:34It was actually...
0:06:34 > 0:06:37It's a question Ed Miliband asked himself during the debate.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Am I tough "enuss"?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42LAUGHTER
0:06:42 > 0:06:44And he hasn't even got a beard!
0:06:46 > 0:06:50- What would he be like with a beard? - And then he answers it.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52But am I tough "enuss"? Tough enough.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Hell, yes, I'm tough enough.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58DIANE: Oh, leave him alone!
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- There might be more.- Did you think we'd moved into sympathy?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02JINGLE PLAYS
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- That noise...- Yes?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07That noise is heralding the first of our four
0:07:07 > 0:07:09election bonus buzzer questions.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10Innovation after 25 years?!
0:07:12 > 0:07:14This is...
0:07:14 > 0:07:17LAUGHTER
0:07:18 > 0:07:22- Keep going.- This is a chance for an extra point. A quickfire question.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- Oh, right. Fingers on buzzer. - The category is...- Yes.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31- OK.- Fingers on buzzers.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Here's Ukip's prospective candidate for Caerphilly, Sam Gould,
0:07:34 > 0:07:38after writing "We love Nige" in the Margate Sand.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39What happened next?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41BUZZER
0:07:41 > 0:07:44He didn't realise that the way the tide works
0:07:44 > 0:07:48is that it comes in, then out, and he was unaware that that's what it does
0:07:48 > 0:07:51and it came in and he got stranded and he had to be pulled up...
0:07:51 > 0:07:53- Yes.- ..onto a wall.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56The access ramp had been covered by an incoming tide
0:07:56 > 0:07:59and he had to be hauled to safety by a Ukip press officer.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05There's been some worse honeymoons than that.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09On the first official day of the campaign,
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Nick Clegg actually went to a hedgehog sanctuary.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16- Oh, God, yeah. - Something that he soon regretted.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Really poorly. She got maggots in every orifice.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25So she can no longer look after the hedgehog!
0:08:31 > 0:08:32- I like these animals.- I do.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34I'm just saying,
0:08:34 > 0:08:37why do the Liberals choose a hedgehog?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- Even Mrs Thatcher, do you remember? She grabbed a cow.- Yeah.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Did Miliband have an animal?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Did he not join in?
0:08:45 > 0:08:48I would like to have seen him with a massive tarantula on his face.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54- Farage didn't do an animal thing, did he?- Not that I know of, but...
0:08:54 > 0:08:56He met up with Joey Essex, which is similar.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Maybe he thinks Joey Essex is a baby kangaroo.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06After meeting Joey Essex,
0:09:06 > 0:09:08shall we see how Nigel Farage's photo op went?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10ALL: Yeah!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16JINGLE PLAYS
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Right, that noise means it's time
0:09:18 > 0:09:21for some more election bonus buzzer questions.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23This category is Who Said This?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- Right.- All are recent quotes.- OK.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Fingers on buzzers. Who said:
0:09:30 > 0:09:32BUZZER RINGS
0:09:32 > 0:09:33David Cameron.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Nigel Farage said that.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38- Yes, he did.- He did, yeah.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- Yeah.- Absolutely right. - Yeah, absolutely.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Erm...
0:09:42 > 0:09:44who said, "With the..."
0:09:44 > 0:09:46- Oh, no, I've just done that one. - Yeah.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- BUZZER - Nigel Farage.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50APPLAUSE
0:09:50 > 0:09:52There's too many repeats on the BBC,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54within programmes!
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Who said:
0:10:01 > 0:10:03That's got to be Nick Clegg.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04- BUZZER - Nick Clegg.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06- No.- No.- Miliband.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07- Yes.- Good, well done.- Yes.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09I was going to say Valerie Singleton, but...
0:10:12 > 0:10:14And finally, who said this?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19ARMANDO LAUGHS LOUDLY
0:10:19 > 0:10:20BUZZER RINGS
0:10:20 > 0:10:21Duke of Edinburgh.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25APPLAUSE
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Cheryl Fernandez-Versini.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- So is she standing for anyone? - She is, that's why we brought it up.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- I don't know.- Why does her shadow belong to someone else?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44APPLAUSE
0:10:45 > 0:10:49It's clearly the shadow of a thick-set man in his 50s.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Has she got low self-esteem or something?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58This is the seven-way debate featuring a group of party leaders
0:10:58 > 0:11:00eager to put their case to the electorate.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Seeing the seven party leaders on stage together
0:11:02 > 0:11:04reminded me of the Seven Dwarfs:
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Happy, Grumpy, Goofy, Scotty, Greeny, Creepy
0:11:06 > 0:11:08and the one out of Plaid Cymru-y.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12According to the Daily Mail,
0:11:12 > 0:11:16the debate saw SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon transform herself into a:
0:11:18 > 0:11:20That's one of my favourite spells.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24APPLAUSE
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Ian and Diane, take a look at this.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Oh, it won't stay in.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32That's another metaphor.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34"Hi, I'm a normal guy."
0:11:36 > 0:11:37"I don't want any milk!"
0:11:39 > 0:11:40"You're killing me!"
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Oh, he's back.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44DIANE: He's back again, like cystitis.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50- ARMANDO: Moral support.- Is that Blair now? He's really changed.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- This is the rest of the election. - Yes, basically.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- Going well. - The resurrection of Tony Blair.
0:11:57 > 0:12:02Yes, Ed Miliband has enough problems and suddenly, he's backed by Tony.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03Yes.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06The Mail referred to it as "Blair's toxic embrace."
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Probably fair enough.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11He gave a speech suggesting that you really can't trust people to vote.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13- Yes. - We can't have an EU referendum,
0:12:13 > 0:12:16cos the British people might come up with the wrong verdict.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- Yes.- He's right - they voted for him three times.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Who proved this week that he is very much in tune with popular culture?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26- Oh.- And the young people.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27Was it me?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32It was David Cameron, who gave an interview this week...
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- He's given a lot. - He gave this one to Heat magazine.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- Ah, the tough ones first.- Yes.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40David Cameron's in Heat.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- That's why that lamb looked so petrified.- Indeed.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50He began the interview by saying:
0:12:56 > 0:12:59They don't make television programmes, do they, Heat?
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- It's a magazine. - Yeah, but they make everything.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04There's not a magazine that doesn't have some online...
0:13:04 > 0:13:05It's multiplatform.
0:13:05 > 0:13:10- It's 360.- They do the lot, 360. - 360 commissioning.- 360 digital.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Private Eye I think has just hired a town crier, haven't you?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19APPLAUSE
0:13:20 > 0:13:23And he does some very, very good acting in the video,
0:13:23 > 0:13:26which is worth watching. Obviously, they're tough questions,
0:13:26 > 0:13:29but he needs to show that they're tough, so...
0:13:29 > 0:13:32JAMES BOND-STYLE MUSIC
0:13:44 > 0:13:46APPLAUSE
0:13:50 > 0:13:52He won't take on Miliband one to one in a debate,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55but he'll be filmed for Heat, acting badly.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58And be asked to act badly, presumably, and say yes.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02I'm sure they didn't put it that way.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03In your business, no-one says,
0:14:03 > 0:14:05"Would you like to do this very badly?", do they?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Well, sometimes you don't get an option with me.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Where did Cameron visit in one day this week?
0:14:13 > 0:14:14All of the UK.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18He did Edinburgh, Belfast, Cardiff and Newquay, all in one day.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22- What did Cameron do a lot of on this trip?- Eat pies.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Yes, eating. Tonnes of it.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Was it all pies?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- Er, I think there was some fish and chips...- Yes.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31..a pie, a pasty, a steak bake...
0:14:33 > 0:14:37He had a lamb biryani shortly after he had fattened it up
0:14:37 > 0:14:39with some milk.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42What is Ed Miliband going to put a stop to?
0:14:42 > 0:14:43ALL: Non doms.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Non doms, yes. Can you explain what non doms are, please?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49For me and everyone.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Non-domiciled people who live...
0:14:53 > 0:14:59- They live here but they claim they live somewhere else.- Right.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Because they are greedy bastards.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Which newspaper is unsurprisingly a bit cross about the loss of...?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08The Daily Mail.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- Yes.- Its owner is one. - Its owner IS one.- Yes.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Ed Miliband has got to be careful,
0:15:13 > 0:15:16he is not going to get much good coverage in the Daily Mail.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19If he keeps poking sticks at them like this.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22It's amazing when people say,
0:15:22 > 0:15:24"The press didn't react to this announcement very well."
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Well, that is a big surprise!
0:15:27 > 0:15:29The Daily Mail owned by a non dom.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Telegraph owned by people who are not even resident.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33They say they live in Monaco
0:15:33 > 0:15:36and then pretend to live in the Channel Islands. Murdoch?
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Oh, he left this country to become an American citizen.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42And his tax arrangement is quite interesting.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I'm not saying sorry for that.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48APPLAUSE
0:15:51 > 0:15:53JINGLE PLAYS
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Time for our final, I promise, election bonus buzzer round.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03- Election bonus buzzer round. - The category is battlebuses.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Fun, this, isn't it? What has the Lib Dem battlebus
0:16:07 > 0:16:08got that the others haven't?
0:16:08 > 0:16:09BUZZER
0:16:09 > 0:16:11No wheels.
0:16:12 > 0:16:17It has got a satellite transmitter which allows Nick Clegg to
0:16:17 > 0:16:18conduct radio interviews on the move
0:16:18 > 0:16:21and it also has a lighting system with...
0:16:24 > 0:16:28- What is unusual about the Greens' battlebus?- It's a cabbage.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30It's not. It runs on...
0:16:30 > 0:16:34- chip fat.- Oh, yes.- Chip fat?- Yes. - But that's bad for you.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39- Not in an engine.- Who would like to hear from ITV reporter Chris Ship?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41I know I do.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43- Yes,- all right, then. It's pretty good.- Just to keep you happy.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44Thank you.
0:16:45 > 0:16:51The Lib Dems today also claimed that the Tories said to them...
0:16:51 > 0:16:54In fact, the Lib Dems also said today that... The Lib Dems' man
0:16:54 > 0:16:56in the Treasury, Danny Alexander,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59said that the Tories claimed that they...
0:16:59 > 0:17:01I should probably start this all again.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09That's just great, there's no question off the back of that,
0:17:09 > 0:17:10it's just good.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14This, yes, is the post-Easter surge of electoral activity.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Ed Miliband has vowed to end nom dom tax status.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18According to the Guardian...
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Of course, that's not always true,
0:17:29 > 0:17:31I use Luxembourg.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36In other news, Ed Miliband has been accused of planning to do
0:17:36 > 0:17:38a deal with the SNP that involves scrapping Trident.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Confidence in the UK's nuclear deterrent has sunk to
0:17:41 > 0:17:42an all-time low.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Luckily it is on a submarine so it doesn't really matter.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49And so to Round Two, the Picture Square Quiz.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Buzz when you know what it is.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Oh, that's good.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57BUZZER
0:17:59 > 0:18:04- It's a policeman.- Yes. Would you like to expand on that?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Anything more you know about that policeman?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08He is arresting a goldfish.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11This is the news that a new police constable is being
0:18:11 > 0:18:13sought for the Isles of Scilly.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15What have been some of the more high-profile
0:18:15 > 0:18:17cases of crime on the island, if you'd like to guess?
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Occasionally, a sheep does a little bit of ID fraud.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Other than that, it is fairly easy going.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27- Someone tried to break into a shed. - Yes, they did.
0:18:27 > 0:18:32- And the only evidence they found was a fried egg.- Yes, absolutely right.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34A policeman said, it was weird
0:18:34 > 0:18:37because there was no bread around it.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41There is the fried egg and there is the investigation.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48One recent call on the island included...
0:18:50 > 0:18:52In another...
0:19:01 > 0:19:04This is an advert for a vacancy for a policeman on the Isles of Scilly.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06In fact, this advert for policing in the Scilly Isles feels
0:19:06 > 0:19:08so unreal and twee that Martin Clunes has already started
0:19:08 > 0:19:11filming there for his new Sunday night ITV drama,
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Scilly Sausage, in which he plays DCI John Sausage.
0:19:14 > 0:19:1512 million viewers.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Time now for the Odd One Out round. It's one between you this week.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Fingers on buzzers, your four are...
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Grant Shapps and Mick Jones out of The Clash.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Benedict Cumberbatch and Richard III.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29The Queen and Johnny Depp.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31And Neil and John from Braintree.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32BUZZER
0:19:32 > 0:19:34This is...
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Yes, OK, Benedict Cumberbatch and Richard III are related.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Johnny Depp and the Queen, I'm sure they are related.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42You can see it in their eyes, can't you?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44The two people at the bottom right,
0:19:44 > 0:19:46who look like each other, they have different names.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Must be twins, separated at birth.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51They found out they were married to the same woman.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Grant Shapps and Mick Jones could be...
0:19:56 > 0:19:58He went under a fake name, didn't he, Grant Shapps?
0:19:58 > 0:20:02- He used to be Michael Green.- Yes. - So he may not be his cousin at all.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06- They are all related. - That's the odd one out, is it?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- The two who look like they are, aren't.- Ah!
0:20:10 > 0:20:12That's absolutely correct.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13APPLAUSE
0:20:14 > 0:20:17John and Neil from Braintree are the only pair who aren't related.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18- Oh, are they not?- No.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22Their appearance aside, they have many other remarkable coincidences.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24According to the Mail, despite having only met for the first
0:20:24 > 0:20:28time 18 months ago, it turns out that John and Neil both...
0:20:28 > 0:20:32..before both becoming RE teachers. And they now...
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Asked if she could tell them apart, Neil's wife Marion said...
0:20:41 > 0:20:42..again.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45So, why is that interesting?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Don't start pulling at that thread!
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Why was Grant Shapps' alter ego Michael Green back in the news recently?
0:20:55 > 0:20:59He denied that he was using this alias in his marketing company
0:20:59 > 0:21:01while he was an MP.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03He said that was an appalling suggestion and he said,
0:21:03 > 0:21:05"I am going to sue one of my constituents.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07"You say that again and I will sue."
0:21:07 > 0:21:11And then the Guardian turned up some film of him using that name
0:21:11 > 0:21:13after he had become an MP.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Grant Shapps said in an interview that he wanted to make it
0:21:15 > 0:21:19absolutely clear he was not working under the name Michael Green
0:21:19 > 0:21:21whilst he was an MP, stating...
0:21:25 > 0:21:28When the Guardian found out he had lied, he said he had...
0:21:30 > 0:21:32..the claims.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Tory Party chairman - liar. Small story.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38Let's get back to the blokes with beards who don't know each other.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Benedict Cumberbatch and Richard III.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Benedict Cumberbatch and recently reburied Richard
0:21:45 > 0:21:47are third cousins 16 times removed.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Leicester really cashed in on the event, with lots of Richard III
0:21:50 > 0:21:53ties, mugs, badges, T-shirts, fridge magnets, tote bags,
0:21:53 > 0:21:55glasses and even ice cream on sale,
0:21:55 > 0:21:59but what was the weirdest thing you could pick up for £25 that day?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01The Princes in the Tower?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05A Richard III pen where you turn it upside down
0:22:05 > 0:22:06and all his clothes come off.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11A Richard III-inspired bowl haircut...
0:22:14 > 0:22:17..because that's a great bit of business. That's clever.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21Can any of you tell me what relation Johnny Depp is to the Queen?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Er, he's her father.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- Well, they're cousins, aren't they?- 20th cousins.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Sticking with the Queen,
0:22:29 > 0:22:32here is a photo that emerged of Ukip canvassers in Bromley last week.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Why is the one who looks like a queen
0:22:39 > 0:22:41having a little woman live in her hair?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- You don't expect her to do her own hair, do you?- No, course you don't.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50So, yes, they are all related,
0:22:50 > 0:22:52apart from Neil and John, who aren't.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53And according to the Daily Mail:
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Yes, Miriam, he's played him in a film.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06King Richard III died at the Battle of Bosworth
0:23:06 > 0:23:09and is actually famous for having the shortest bucket list in history.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10A horse!
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Time now for the Missing Words round,
0:23:17 > 0:23:19which this week features as its guest publication
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Alpaca World.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24It looks quite clunky, but it's actually thinner than you think.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27And we start with:
0:23:30 > 0:23:31ARMANDO: Tinder.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Mice are getting off with women?!
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Why can't they stick to female mice?! What's the matter with them,
0:23:40 > 0:23:41crossing species?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Do they use false identity?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46"My name's Sebastian. I have a car."
0:23:49 > 0:23:52"No, I'm not a mouse. I just look like one."
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Well, you're taking the Mickey!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- Hey... - GROANS FROM AUDIENCE
0:23:57 > 0:24:00APPLAUSE
0:24:00 > 0:24:04- DIANE: I know what it is.- What is it? - Singing.- Yes!- Singing?- Yeah.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Male mice sing to lady mice.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Yeah, they sing, apparently, love songs,
0:24:08 > 0:24:10the cheesier the better. He-hey...
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Next:
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Oh! Er, it could be mould. Mould on the wall of old buildings.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19There's some sort of old mould grows in the buildings with
0:24:19 > 0:24:21hallucinogenic qualities, so you're breathing in
0:24:21 > 0:24:24this mould and suddenly you see Oliver Cromwell eating a biscuit.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27I mean, I'm telling you this,
0:24:27 > 0:24:30and you've done very well out of it, but, erm...
0:24:30 > 0:24:34it could be that you've been fabricated a fairy story there.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36- So it's mould. - It is, absolutely, yes.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39This is from a study from a place called Clarkson University...
0:24:40 > 0:24:43..which, sadly, has just lost control of its faculties.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46Next:
0:24:49 > 0:24:51DIANE: Press your red button now.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Yes. Closer to home, there are a number of alpaca farms in Wales.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01You have to be careful,
0:25:01 > 0:25:04they can be quite bad-tempered and spray you with spit.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07But that doesn't stop them from keeping alpacas.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13There's another million audience gone.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14And finally. What...
0:25:18 > 0:25:20ARMANDO: Songs Of Praise.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24It was:
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- Oh! - PAUL LAUGHS
0:25:27 > 0:25:31..is apparently just the same, evidently, yes.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32This is according to a new study.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Speaking of the link between television and highs,
0:25:35 > 0:25:39here is the BBC's Quentin Somerville trying to finish his report
0:25:39 > 0:25:42next to a burning pile of drugs in the Middle East.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Burning behind me is eight and a half tonnes of heroin, opium,
0:25:45 > 0:25:48hashish and other narcotics.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Heeee!
0:25:51 > 0:25:52APPLAUSE
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Burning behind me...
0:25:54 > 0:25:56HE GIGGLES
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Quick! Quick, quick, quick! We just need one more.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17And so, the final scores are - Ian and Diane have 8,
0:26:17 > 0:26:19and Paul and Armando have 7.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21- Oh! Shame. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:21 > 0:26:23That is a win.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT DIALOGUE
0:26:29 > 0:26:32But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36DIANE: "Osborne pleased with Madame Tussaud waxwork."
0:26:39 > 0:26:41"It's a Hooray Henry Hoover."
0:26:43 > 0:26:45ARMANDO: "And this will replace Trident."
0:26:49 > 0:26:53"Grumpy man at back wonders why he's not included in the photograph."
0:26:58 > 0:26:59Next:
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Is it the bear saying, "They've really extended the Northern Line!"?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07"The Arctic Circle Line!"
0:27:07 > 0:27:09CONTESTANTS CHEER
0:27:09 > 0:27:11APPLAUSE
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Don't you patronise me!
0:27:14 > 0:27:17And I leave you with news that David Cameron discovers
0:27:17 > 0:27:20that his campaign itinerary involves an overnight stay in Stoke.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27At a farm in Wiltshire, a long-awaited family reunion
0:27:27 > 0:27:29ends in disappointment for one relative.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38And on a short pre-election holiday in the Seychelles, William Hague
0:27:38 > 0:27:40looks like he's overdone it with the sunbathing.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47Goodnight.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE