0:00:02 > 0:00:05I actually once accosted you outside the Ritz when I was really drunk
0:00:05 > 0:00:06and I said, "I love you."
0:00:07 > 0:00:09It was about 1.30 in the morning
0:00:09 > 0:00:11and you looked so frightened and ran away.
0:00:13 > 0:00:14- But, Ian, I really do.- Yeah!
0:00:14 > 0:00:18And that's why I'm here tonight, so, um, just relax.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Good evening! Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Stephen Mangan.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01In the news this week,
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Springwatch's Chris Packham regrets not being at home
0:01:04 > 0:01:07when some extremely rare osprey eggs are delivered.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16In Hull,
0:01:16 > 0:01:19the head chef of the Lucky House Crispy Duck takeaway is spotted.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32And in Westminster,
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Nick Robinson confronts the person who drew a penis on his notebook.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48On Ian's team tonight, a journalist who is descended from aristocracy.
0:01:48 > 0:01:49I'm not sure how posh she is,
0:01:49 > 0:01:52but her family home does have a gift shop and a maze.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Please welcome Camilla Long.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57APPLAUSE
0:01:57 > 0:01:59APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:02:00 > 0:02:02And with Paul tonight is an actor and comedian
0:02:02 > 0:02:05who is currently starring in a play at the National Theatre.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Actually, I'm in it as well, so technically he's not starring.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Please welcome Miles Jupp.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13APPLAUSE
0:02:13 > 0:02:15APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:02:18 > 0:02:20And we start with the bigger election stories of the week.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Ian and Camilla, take a look at this.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24- Um...yes.- Scotland?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Kilts.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28That's supposedly the most dangerous woman in Britain,
0:02:28 > 0:02:30the one on the right.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34"Stronger for Scotland", that's a new toilet paper.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- Who's that?- Uh, John Major.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Oh, yes, I remember him.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41We're meant to be terrified.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42This is the Tory tactic
0:02:42 > 0:02:45to make everyone very, very scared of the SNP.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Why?
0:02:47 > 0:02:48This isn't explained.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Nicola Sturgeon gets lots of votes in Scotland,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53so all the other parties go, "Oh, no!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55"What could we possibly do?"
0:02:55 > 0:02:56You could argue.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Present some policies.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- Try and win. - Help count the votes.- Yeah!
0:03:01 > 0:03:04What did she say was the SNP's number one priority?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06It was to...
0:03:10 > 0:03:11How appalling(!)
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Yeah. Well, it's nice of them to do that
0:03:13 > 0:03:15before they piss off and leave the rest of us...
0:03:15 > 0:03:18behind.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20She doesn't have a Westminster seat, does she?
0:03:20 > 0:03:21No, she's leader of the party.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24So she'd be involved in negotiations, but she wouldn't have...
0:03:24 > 0:03:25Yeah, by Skype, from Scotland.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- Right.- Cos she's officially not allowed to leave,
0:03:28 > 0:03:30cos that would be betrayal.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33But where did they launch their manifesto?
0:03:33 > 0:03:34The Isle of Skype.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36AUDIENCE GROANS
0:03:36 > 0:03:39So she could be part of power, in the event...
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I'm asking you this, Ian, because I suspect the rest of us don't know.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46I'm obviously part of the SNP's inner circle.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49The London agent.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52"Half past one outside the Ritz, nothing to report."
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Of course, that won't work
0:03:56 > 0:03:58unless we include the bit before the recording.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01What are their actual plans, do we know?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04It's to put forward a lot of promises which they haven't costed
0:04:04 > 0:04:07and which will cost a great deal of money and everyone says,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09"Where's that coming from?" and you say, "Shut up."
0:04:09 > 0:04:12They've got a position on Trident as well, the SNP.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I don't know what it is, but they've got one.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I think they want to sell it. Or not do it.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18- Not have it?- Not sell it. They want to just...
0:04:20 > 0:04:22You might as well sell it. Surely someone will buy it.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24What's the point in just throwing it away?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26- Yeah!- A lot of countries don't have nuclear weapons.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29That's the problem with politics today - no common sense.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Exactly.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Did you see how The Sun portrayed Ed Miliband
0:04:32 > 0:04:35and Nicola Sturgeon's plan to steal the election?
0:04:37 > 0:04:38There they are.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41They're going to steal the election by lots of people voting for them.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44"Huh! Boo!"
0:04:44 > 0:04:46There's also this, The Sun came up with.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Wasn't Miley Cyrus actually naked in the original video?
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Have they put pants on her?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55I'm just pointing this out for detail.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56I don't know,
0:04:56 > 0:04:58but if anyone would be the expert on the Miley Cyrus video...
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- It would be Ian.- Ian.- Mmm.
0:05:02 > 0:05:07David Cameron's been warning this week about the "coalition of chaos,"
0:05:07 > 0:05:09a phrase I think he's coined himself.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11A bit harsh on Nick Clegg and himself!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I think they've all been told to say the word "chaos" and keep saying it.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- I think it's the watchword of the election.- Right.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Boris kept on saying it.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21MILES: It's a very mild word, "chaos".
0:05:21 > 0:05:22As a sort of emotive word,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24"chaos" is how people that make the mistake
0:05:24 > 0:05:27of going to Ikea on a bank holiday... "Oh, it was chaos."
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Apparently, the Tory word, the positive word, is "confidence."
0:05:32 > 0:05:36So somebody's thought is "confidence versus chaos."
0:05:36 > 0:05:37And then Boris is both.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- Yes!- So whatever you want, you get a bit of it.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42But Boris is the secret weapon.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43What's secret about Boris?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47- To be fair.- Well, you'll have to ask the courts.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53So David Cameron's come up with the "coalition of chaos" -
0:05:53 > 0:05:57what has John Major been calling the Lab-SNP danger?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59- IN MAJOR'S VOICE:- "He's still here."
0:06:01 > 0:06:02I do all the MPs.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- He... - LAUGHTER
0:06:04 > 0:06:06He said...
0:06:06 > 0:06:10He said a Labour-SNP alliance was "a recipe for mayhem."
0:06:10 > 0:06:12It's not quite as good as "coalition of chaos", is it?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- I came up with "potpourri of panic." - That's very good.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18"A bowl of bollocks."
0:06:21 > 0:06:24That is an image that will stay with me for a very long time.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27What I liked about John Major
0:06:27 > 0:06:31was that he seemed to say that everybody wanted package holidays.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34That was the benchmark of being happy.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38He hasn't been in politics since about 1996, to be fair.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40- Yep.- So, you know... - Does he now work for Thomas Cook?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43He hasn't been abroad much.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Where does he do his arms dealing? From home?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51With the internet now, you probably could, couldn't you?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Ian, when you were watching This Morning
0:06:53 > 0:06:55with Phillip Schofield on Wednesday...
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- Oh, yes.- Yes... As I'm sure you did.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01- Did you hear David Cameron's little jibe at Alex Salmond?- I did!
0:07:01 > 0:07:05- Yes.- There's a man on Good Morning who takes people's wallets
0:07:05 > 0:07:09and the Prime Minister made a joke. He said, "That'll be Alex Salmond."
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Let's hear him deliver that joke with aplomb.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13- Thank you very much indeed for your time.- Thanks.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Up next, a man who can pinch your wallet,
0:07:15 > 0:07:17your watch and even your tie without you ever noticing.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19He's here after the break.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Who's that, Alex Salmond?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25It's quite a good joke.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26It's the only time in the campaign
0:07:26 > 0:07:28I've seen Cameron come up with anything interesting.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Why did someone from Hounslow get accused of pinching money this week?
0:07:34 > 0:07:35That rogue trader?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- The "flash crash" trader?- Yes.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Navinder Singh Sarao, a British trader facing extradition to America
0:07:41 > 0:07:44over claims he deliberately triggered a flash crash.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47He has this extraordinary lifestyle,
0:07:47 > 0:07:49which is so incredibly penny-pinching.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52He's worth something like 30 million or something,
0:07:52 > 0:07:54but he always wears a sort of tracksuit
0:07:54 > 0:07:57and I think when he made one big avalanche, had a windfall,
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I think all he did was go out
0:07:59 > 0:08:02and buy another tracksuit for £100 or something.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04MILES: It's from Sports Direct - write it down, Ian,
0:08:04 > 0:08:07if you're looking for a new pair of tracksuit bottoms.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09If the ones that you normally watch television in
0:08:09 > 0:08:11have worn out, you can... LAUGHTER
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Sports...Direct.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15SportsDirect.com.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Do they do grey and baggy?
0:08:19 > 0:08:20They'll serve anybody.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24They will. They'll serve anybody.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25APPLAUSE
0:08:25 > 0:08:26Open policy.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Yes, he set up a company...
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Which doesn't sound dodgy at all.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44This is the novel concept that the people of Scotland might get a say
0:08:44 > 0:08:46in the running of the United Kingdom.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Despite Tory scaremongering, a deal between Labour and the SNP
0:08:49 > 0:08:51might not be all one way -
0:08:51 > 0:08:53the SNP have promised Labour support on Europe,
0:08:53 > 0:08:57a renegotiation of the Barnett formula and, albeit reluctantly,
0:08:57 > 0:09:00to reveal the whereabouts of Donald's troosers.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Paul and Miles, take a look at this.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Ooh, George Osborne running away from reality.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10And...here's David Cameron.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- Er, yes, ooh... Um... - A fish, and, er, Rab C Nesbitt.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Yes, and the Miliband effect on young women.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18WOMEN SCREAM
0:09:18 > 0:09:20It was a hen party that squealed excitedly
0:09:20 > 0:09:24on their way to having a wonderful evening that they'll never remember.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25Er, forget.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28And was it by chance, or was he an organised part of the entertainment?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Was he expected to strip for an extra fiver?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Yes, Ed Miliband's battle bus got mobbed by a hen party in Chester.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Let's have a look at it.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38THEY SCREAM
0:09:40 > 0:09:44THEY CHANT: Selfie, selfie, selfie!
0:09:50 > 0:09:53What else has Ed been pleasantly surprised by?
0:09:53 > 0:09:54- Milifans.- Yes.- Oh!
0:09:54 > 0:09:57These people who are saying that they adore him online,
0:09:57 > 0:10:00and saying he's sexy and saying he looks like Poldark.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Er, yes, he's got an unexpected following on Twitter
0:10:03 > 0:10:06amongst teenage girls who call themselves the Milifemidom.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Sorry, the Milifandom.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19It was all started on Twitter by a student called Abby,
0:10:19 > 0:10:21and has now got 17,000 followers.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22One tweeted she had...
0:10:27 > 0:10:29But she's too young to vote, isn't she?
0:10:29 > 0:10:32- She's only 17.- I'm not saying it's a waste of time, but come on.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38David Cameron's got a rival Twitter group.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39Do you know they call themselves?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41The 1922 Committee?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47- They're called the Cameronettes. - That's right, yes.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Set up by a student from Exeter University.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Let's have a look at the tweet.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00And, as you can see, it's been retweeted.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Twice.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03LAUGHTER
0:11:05 > 0:11:07In terms of appealing to the youth vote,
0:11:07 > 0:11:09where did Ed Miliband draw the line?
0:11:09 > 0:11:14He wouldn't do a make-up tutorial with someone like Zoella.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Oh, I really need to see a make-up tutorial with Ed Miliband now.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Apparently, he refused to do a "banter pose"
0:11:21 > 0:11:25during an interview with YouTube presenters Niki and Sammy.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27No, me neither.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28Anyway, let's have a look.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Can we get a banter pose?
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Er, probably not.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- Bye.- Bye!- Bye.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Oh, slap down for Niki and Sammy.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36- That's pretty cool.- Burn.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I'm really warming to him, you know!
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- That's working for me.- "No."
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Anyone want to see Ed Miliband
0:11:42 > 0:11:45set to George Michael's Careless Whisper?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47- Er... - No, no, I don't want to see that.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Yes, on balance, yes.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Thank you, Paul. Let's see it.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54# I'm never gonna dance again
0:11:54 > 0:11:57# Guilty feet have got no rhythm
0:11:57 > 0:12:00# Though it's easy to pretend
0:12:00 > 0:12:04# I know you're not a fool
0:12:04 > 0:12:07# I should have known better than to cheat a friend
0:12:07 > 0:12:10# And waste a chance that I'd been given
0:12:10 > 0:12:12# So I'm never gonna dance again
0:12:12 > 0:12:17# The way I danced with you, ooh. #
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Oh, I could watch that all day.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21It looks like he's SAT on a Wispa.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26I don't know where we got it from... Yeah, that's the work of Mikeyblag.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Thank you, Mikeyblag.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Let's catch up with Nigel Farage, now.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33He's hoping to be elected to the constituency of South Thanet -
0:12:33 > 0:12:35a place that's been described as...
0:12:45 > 0:12:47"Please drive carefully."
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Actually, of course, Camilla, that's how YOU described the place.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52- Yes, it is.- Isn't it?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54That's exactly how I described it.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- And Ukip said that that was... - Mean.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Is that fair comment?
0:13:01 > 0:13:03No, not at all. It was the truth.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Do you visit there much?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10No, I visit them... I went there more than Nigel Farage.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12By the time I arrived there, he'd only been there a few times.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15And did you feel they're going to vote for him?
0:13:15 > 0:13:16No, I don't think they are at all.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18I think he's not going to get his seat at all.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20I went into a casino... SHE CHUCKLES
0:13:20 > 0:13:23..at about 3:30 in the afternoon.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25There were two old ladies playing poker,
0:13:25 > 0:13:28and I thought, "Oh, they'll vote for Farage."
0:13:28 > 0:13:30And they hadn't heard of him at all.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34- Well, back to this week, and... - LAUGHTER
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Nigel Farage has been wearing a hat!
0:13:38 > 0:13:41And hitting back at claims that the Ukip manifesto
0:13:41 > 0:13:42was full of white faces.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Do you know what he's been saying?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47He said there was one black face and one half-black face.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49- Is that right? - Yes, he told Magic Radio...
0:13:53 > 0:13:55And then he went on...
0:13:59 > 0:14:00No, it didn't get a mention,
0:14:00 > 0:14:03because no ordinary people speak like that, Nigel.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04JINGLE PLAYS
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Ah! That sound can only mean one thing.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09It's time for a bonus election buzzer question.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11- Wey!- It's What Happened Next?
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Yes, fingers on buzzers,
0:14:14 > 0:14:16and tell me, what happened next?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I'm Andrew Mitchell, and I'm the Conservative candidate
0:14:19 > 0:14:21for the royal town of Sutton Coldfield.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Did he actually just get run over, and...
0:14:23 > 0:14:24- LAUGHTER - No.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- ..is now dead?- Let's see.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I'm Andrew Mitchell, and I'm the Conservative candidate
0:14:29 > 0:14:31for the royal town of Sutton Coldfield.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36LAUGHTER
0:14:39 > 0:14:40It's astonishing, huh?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42I don't know how he does it, either.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Incredible skill.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49Who's been allegedly using a sock puppet?
0:14:49 > 0:14:50Oh, um, Shappsy.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- Old Shappsy Boy.- Shappsy!- Yeah.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Old Shappsy.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56He's a sharp character, isn't he?
0:14:56 > 0:14:59He seems to be... He goes around under different aliases, and now...
0:14:59 > 0:15:03It's been alleged, it's been proved that he has...
0:15:03 > 0:15:08It's been suggested that he has been altering Wikipedia entries
0:15:08 > 0:15:10on his colleagues with the Conservative Party.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12- And himself.- And himself, indeed.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15The thing that I really loved was when they confronted him
0:15:15 > 0:15:17about it and he said,
0:15:17 > 0:15:21"I couldn't possibly have done this because I was elsewhere."
0:15:21 > 0:15:22SHE LAUGHS
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Do you know how the internet works?
0:15:25 > 0:15:26But he has got form.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- He's denied that it was him changing his own entry.- Yes.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33But he did deny before that he had a second job working under
0:15:33 > 0:15:38the alias of Michael Green and that was proved to be true.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Sort of this generation's Jeffrey Archer, isn't he, really?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42That's an appalling suggestion.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44LAUGHTER
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I don't think you can say that about anybody.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- Not even Jeff... - Not even Jeffrey Archer.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Yes, Shapps found himself at the mercy of the nation's
0:15:53 > 0:15:55sharpest satirists.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Grant Shapps has fervently denied that he had anything to do,
0:15:59 > 0:16:03that he himself does not have the time, apparently, to...
0:16:03 > 0:16:08to edit his own Wikipedia entry and, look, I...
0:16:08 > 0:16:12I'm prepared to believe him. I mean...
0:16:12 > 0:16:14It just could have been someone else.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Michael Green, for instance.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Boom, boom.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Was that Trident going off in the background?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26JINGLE PLAYS
0:16:26 > 0:16:30That noise means it's time for another bonus buzzer election round.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32This one is called...
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Fingers on buzzers. It is a quickfire round.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38What's wrong with this leaflet?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- BUZZER - Miles.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44LAUGHTER
0:16:44 > 0:16:47They're working under a cloak of anonymity.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Yes. "Vote Name Surname."
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- Wouldn't it be great if that was actually somebody's name?- Yeah.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Greatest name ever. What's wrong with this leaflet?
0:16:55 > 0:16:56BUZZER
0:16:56 > 0:16:57Yes, Miles.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59It's very tempting to crop it.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Well, it's not just... That's the right answer.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02It's not just tempting.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06When you fold it in half to post it through a letterbox...
0:17:06 > 0:17:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:13 > 0:17:16This is the news that the election is not just about Scotland.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18There are other major issues to discuss
0:17:18 > 0:17:21such as Grant Shapps' Wikipedia page.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Grant Shapps denies the accusation
0:17:23 > 0:17:25he repeatedly edited his own Wikipedia entry,
0:17:25 > 0:17:27vowing to clear his names.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33- APPLAUSE - And so to Round Two.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37The One-Armed Bandit of News. Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38Here's the first one.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- BUZZER - Ian?
0:17:45 > 0:17:46This is a tortoise.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49This is his owner.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52She left the gate open and he ran away
0:17:52 > 0:17:56and she was distraught for ages and then someone found the tortoise
0:17:56 > 0:17:59and it's got her name on it there, slightly faded.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Stokes or something.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03I'm still struggling as to how this has made the news.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Woman finds tortoise that was previously missing.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08God unavailable for comment.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11What's going on?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13The person who found it, incredibly nicely,
0:18:13 > 0:18:16rang up everyone with the name on the tortoise locally.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Found her, this is a nice, heart-warming story...
0:18:19 > 0:18:23- Absolutely.- ..and she's very happy she's got her tortoise back.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24She never thought she would. She has!
0:18:24 > 0:18:26I think you got this the wrong way round.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28It's the woman that went missing for five years.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30She had her name written on her back
0:18:30 > 0:18:32and the tortoise has been worried sick.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35It's a really first-rate story, I just wish I'd run it.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Yes, this is absolutely true.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41It's Toby the tortoise from Dover who has been reunited
0:18:41 > 0:18:45with his owner, Wendy Stokes, after a year on the run.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46This is where the story gets...
0:18:46 > 0:18:48He managed to make it to Rio de Janeiro.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53With a pair of dark glasses and a fake passport.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- How far did he get to?- Well, he got 400 yards from the front gate.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00- 400 yards! - Wait, that's just the beginning!
0:19:00 > 0:19:02He got 400 yards from the front gate
0:19:02 > 0:19:06and some helpful soul picked him up and drove him to Margate...
0:19:06 > 0:19:0822 miles away.
0:19:08 > 0:19:13Toby's 109 so he was one of the younger residents in Margate.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15Yes, he was gone for a year.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18When the tortoise was in Margate, was he relentlessly
0:19:18 > 0:19:21interviewed by Camilla desperate to find somebody with an opinion...?
0:19:21 > 0:19:22- In the casino.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27I'm a migrant in the area but you wouldn't believe my story.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32It's all written on the back if you want to check it out.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Toby the tortoise was missing for 11 months.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36When asked what happened, he said,
0:19:36 > 0:19:38"I don't know, it all happened so fast."
0:19:40 > 0:19:41According to the Daily Mail,
0:19:41 > 0:19:44the tortoise was picked up by a driver on a nearby road
0:19:44 > 0:19:46and driven 22 miles away,
0:19:46 > 0:19:48leaving a scandalised hare to shout,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50"Oi, that's cheating!"
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- Fingers on buzzers, teams.- OK. - Here's the next one.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03BUZZER
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- CAMILLA: This is Poldark and he can't scythe properly.- Can't he?
0:20:06 > 0:20:10Apparently he's doing it all wrong, his scythe is blunt...
0:20:10 > 0:20:13It should be triple-action. You get three blades.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Well, that couldn't be more of a right answer.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21According to The Telegraph, Chris Riley...
0:20:23 > 0:20:25..he told the paper...
0:20:38 > 0:20:39What else was unrealistic
0:20:39 > 0:20:42as described by expert mower Chris Riley?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Well, it's set in the 19th century and, apparently, it was filmed.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Explain that one, Mr BBC!
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Well, yes, that is obviously and absolutely true.
0:20:53 > 0:20:59Chris Riley said you would never scythe topless because...
0:21:00 > 0:21:03CAMILLA: And to stop yourself giving yourself an inadvertent Brazilian
0:21:03 > 0:21:05all the way up the front.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- Inadvertent Brazilian.- Yeah.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10If it's a Graham Greene novel.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15This is the news that Aidan Turner, the actor in Poldark,
0:21:15 > 0:21:19has received criticism after using the wrong scything technique.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Many scything experts were upset.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Indeed, some of them described the scene as harrowing.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Chris Riley, a 56-year-old scyther, told the Daily Telegraph
0:21:30 > 0:21:33that when the episode in question aired...
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Yeah, one phone call.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42Time now for the Odd One Out round. Just one between you this week.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43Your four are...
0:21:43 > 0:21:45a bit of the universe,
0:21:45 > 0:21:47a creamy chicken bake from Tesco,
0:21:47 > 0:21:4972 safety deposit boxes
0:21:49 > 0:21:52and Ivica Jerkovic's wallet.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53BUZZER
0:21:53 > 0:21:56One of them's to do with the jewellery heist, isn't it?
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Which one would that be?
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Well, the other three objects were found in the safety security boxes,
0:22:02 > 0:22:04the Tesco pie, the wallet and the universe.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09I think it's about things disappearing, isn't it?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Jewels have gone from the jewel place.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13And... LAUGHTER
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- The creamy chicken's gone from Tesco.- Yes.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18They've lost a bit of the universe. Scientists don't know where it is.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21The wallet's the odd one out, that's what you're saying,
0:22:21 > 0:22:22it's been found. Absolutely, well done.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25The wallet is the odd one out is the correct answer.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26- Ah.- I answered that for him.- Yes.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Why did I answer that for you?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30APPLAUSE
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Yes, they have all been found empty this week
0:22:33 > 0:22:35apart from Ivica Jerkovic's wallet
0:22:35 > 0:22:38which was returned with nearly double the amount of money inside.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- Oh.- Any idea how long he had to wait to get his wallet back?
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Four years, the tortoise next door had nicked it.
0:22:46 > 0:22:4814 years to get his wallet back.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51We've lost a bit of the universe this week.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Astronomers have discovered a curious empty section of space
0:22:54 > 0:22:58which is missing around 10,000 galaxies.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Let's have a look at this empty bit of space.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04MILES: It's more interesting than I thought it would be.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- It's called a... - LAUGHTER
0:23:07 > 0:23:09It's called a supervoid apparently.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13What is surprising scientists about this supervoid?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15- It shouldn't be there. - CAMILLA: Yes.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18It's surprisingly cool is the answer.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Said Carlos Frenk, professor of not really meaning anything
0:23:28 > 0:23:31at the university of too early to say.
0:23:31 > 0:23:3472 safety deposit boxes were left empty after
0:23:34 > 0:23:37they were raided over Easter weekend in London's Hatton Garden.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40The police revealed photographs from inside the scene of the crime
0:23:40 > 0:23:42this week. Do we know who any of the victims are yet?
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Mostly jewellery owners.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Mostly jewellery owners.
0:23:45 > 0:23:46MILES: Lots of gangsters,
0:23:46 > 0:23:49lots of the things in safety deposit boxes are stolen, aren't they?
0:23:49 > 0:23:52It's because you're not allowed to go and look in safety deposit boxes
0:23:52 > 0:23:55so anything you steal, Stephen, you can put in a safety deposit box.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Could be a material thing, could be a concept, somebody else's idea,
0:23:58 > 0:24:01you put it away in there...
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Could be the best dressing room.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08This is true, it's been reported victims include
0:24:08 > 0:24:11the Adams family, not THAT Addams family.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15The Adams family that are Britain's most notorious crime family.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17You wouldn't want them after you, you'd rather have the police
0:24:17 > 0:24:21than the Adams family. But I'm sure they're lovely people.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28The Tesco's pasty.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30A man from Canary Wharf in London bought a Tesco's creamy chicken bake
0:24:30 > 0:24:32only to find it had no filling.
0:24:32 > 0:24:37The Mirror reported the customer had been expecting to find...
0:24:39 > 0:24:40Exactly!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Yeah, that would've been so much nicer.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48What did Richard Bootman of Bury St Edmunds
0:24:48 > 0:24:51find in his Aldi steak-and-onion flavoured crisps recently?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54A barn owl.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55No.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58He found one single uncooked potato.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06They have all been found empty apart from Ivica Jerkovic's wallet
0:25:06 > 0:25:08which was returned this week after 14 years with
0:25:08 > 0:25:10nearly double the amount of money inside.
0:25:10 > 0:25:15This week, a man bought an empty creamy chicken bake from Tesco.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Overwhelmed with embarrassment and remorse,
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Tesco offered the shopper compensation in the form of...
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Not even an actual pound
0:25:24 > 0:25:27but a card you have to spend in their shitty shop.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Time now for the Missing Words round which this week features,
0:25:35 > 0:25:37as its guest publication,
0:25:37 > 0:25:39- The Barometer Magazine.- Ah, yes.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42I'm now supposed to make a joke about barometers.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43Ooh, the pressure.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50And we start with...
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Putting her in a headlock!
0:25:55 > 0:25:57The answer is just by folding a £10 note
0:25:57 > 0:25:59- you can put the Queen in a bad mood.- Oh.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01This is the news that a man has discovered that
0:26:01 > 0:26:03just by folding a £10 note in two places,
0:26:03 > 0:26:06you can change the Queen's expression from good to bad.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Let's have a look.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Next...
0:26:22 > 0:26:25It took weeks to find a buyer for the smaller barometer in the world.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28- Is half right.- Oh. - The answer is...
0:26:32 > 0:26:34- Oh.- This is from The Barometer Magazine.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37The barometer collector was called...
0:26:37 > 0:26:38He doesn't need a barometer,
0:26:38 > 0:26:41surely he can just feel it coming in the air tonight.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46APPLAUSE
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Next...
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Can I get a rectal one?
0:26:56 > 0:26:58How would you like one of these in your hallway?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04The answer is...
0:27:05 > 0:27:07This is from, believe it or not, The Barometer Magazine.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Do you tap them or not was also the most-asked question
0:27:10 > 0:27:13about phones at News International.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16The answer? A big, fat yes. And lastly...
0:27:19 > 0:27:20Is it Nan-net?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22- Oh.- That's good.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25- Thank you very much.- Ram-brandt!
0:27:25 > 0:27:28APPLAUSE
0:27:30 > 0:27:33No, it's not right. Goat that can paint called...
0:27:36 > 0:27:39This is a goat in Mexico who's taken up painting
0:27:39 > 0:27:40and charges 40 per work.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Van Goat has many fans but sadly has had to leave Twitter
0:27:44 > 0:27:46because of all the trolls.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53So the final scores are...
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Paul and Miles have five
0:27:55 > 0:27:57but this week's winner, Ian and Camilla with six.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00- APPLAUSE - Well done.
0:28:03 > 0:28:04And I leave you with news that
0:28:04 > 0:28:07there's sensation in the music industry as
0:28:07 > 0:28:11Boy George is sued by the original songwriter of Karma Chameleon.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18During a speech in Crewe, George Osborne begins to regret
0:28:18 > 0:28:22allowing a disgruntled rail employee to set up his podium.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28And as Kim Jong-un boasts that he learned to drive
0:28:28 > 0:28:31at the age of three, evidence emerges to back up his claim.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Goodnight.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38APPLAUSE