0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:25 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41I'm Alexander Armstrong.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42In the news this week, in Iraq,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45as Islamic State destroys more ancient antiquities,
0:00:45 > 0:00:50one overzealous jihadi is unaware of the curse of Laurel Al-Hardy.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04In Scotland, a Virgin Media customer manages to get a broadband signal
0:01:04 > 0:01:06for long enough to download an e-mail.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! We got it, baby!
0:01:09 > 0:01:11We got it! We got it!
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Whoo!
0:01:13 > 0:01:14Whoo!
0:01:14 > 0:01:17And newly released Top Gear footage suggests that tensions were rising
0:01:17 > 0:01:20in the main team and that James May in particular had had enough.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who's been described
0:01:30 > 0:01:33as Stephen Fry's favourite Canadian funnywoman, just ahead of...
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Anyway, Stephen Fry's favourite Canadian funnywoman!
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Please welcome Katherine Ryan!
0:01:40 > 0:01:42WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:46 > 0:01:49And with Paul tonight is a former TV executive who is now a Tory lord,
0:01:49 > 0:01:51with the title Baron Grade of Yarmouth,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54though obviously he'll never be the most popular "peer" in Yarmouth.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55Please welcome Michael Grade.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57APPLAUSE
0:01:59 > 0:02:02And we start with the bigger election stories of the week.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Ian and Katherine, take a look at this.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07- Aww!- Ah!
0:02:07 > 0:02:09That's a selfie.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10Oh, look how thrilled they are!
0:02:10 > 0:02:12- Who's that?- Dum-dum-DUM!
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Russell Brand.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- Yeah, I know... - LAUGHTER
0:02:17 > 0:02:21- He had Ed Miliband over for a chat, didn't he?- He did.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24How amazing to have insight into the actual kitchen
0:02:24 > 0:02:26where so many women
0:02:26 > 0:02:28made a lonely breakfast for themselves
0:02:28 > 0:02:32and then showed themselves out.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- There were a couple of interesting moments. There was this bit.- OK.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38For me, what I have learned, because of geopolitical influences,
0:02:38 > 0:02:39because of global finances,
0:02:39 > 0:02:44it seems that it's very difficult at a domestic level to leverage
0:02:44 > 0:02:48- serious influence, so... - It's not true. It's just not true.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50LAUGHTER
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Did you see Russell's sink hose?
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Is that a euphemism?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58No, it absolutely wasn't. It's quite impressive, look at that.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00THAT'S a sink hose, isn't it?
0:03:01 > 0:03:05I noticed Russell kept taking a big swig from a glass bottle of water.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I spotted that! We've got a clip of that as well.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09You've got to answer it, mate.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11I will answer it, but there's two issues here.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14There's "does politics make change happen?"
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- Mmm.- And "what scale of change are we talking about?"
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Why would you do that when you've got such a massive tap?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24I mean, maybe he doesn't know that it's not water.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27He gave up on alcohol, just like he pussied out on heroin.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34You do have a different take, don't you?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37It got a lot of vitriol in the papers, this, but actually,
0:03:37 > 0:03:41it's well worth a look, cos Miliband makes very short shrift of him.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Russell comes up with the usual stuff
0:03:43 > 0:03:45and Miliband says, "No. You're wrong."
0:03:45 > 0:03:47And he says, "Well, you shouldn't vote,"
0:03:47 > 0:03:49and Miliband explains, quite patiently,
0:03:49 > 0:03:52why voting has achieved quite a lot and it's quite a good idea.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Brand moves towards him and stares at him a bit, doesn't he?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Yeah, and says "paradigm".
0:03:57 > 0:03:59He says "paradigm" a couple of times.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02The moment with the banks, when he was talking about the banks,
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- he wanted them all dismantled.- He went through the financial crisis.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06If you like your analysis deep,
0:04:06 > 0:04:08it may not be for you.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Some of what he says is perfectly sensible, and then Miliband says,
0:04:13 > 0:04:16"Yes, and the way to deal with that is politics."
0:04:16 > 0:04:17Doesn't matter which party,
0:04:17 > 0:04:19but you have got to vote someone to deal with it
0:04:19 > 0:04:21and Russell thinks and the thing ends
0:04:21 > 0:04:25and Russell turns to the camera and says, "So what have we learned?"
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Well, I thought you've learned quite a lot, Russell.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Do you want to see our little Vine we've created?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- KATHERINE: You've created a Vine?! - Yeah, we have.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36You know, ee-ee...
0:04:36 > 0:04:38ih-ee...ih-eee...
0:04:38 > 0:04:41ih-ee...ih-ee...ih-ee
0:04:41 > 0:04:44ee...it requires pressure...
0:04:46 > 0:04:48The Daily Star claimed that Ed Miliband's interview
0:04:48 > 0:04:50was part of...
0:04:55 > 0:04:56It's not that bizarre, is it?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59What, by the way, does Russell Brand think of Ed Balls?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- He didn't like his handshake much. - No, he didn't.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03"Clickety-wristy" or something, or "wristy-clicky".
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Yeah, he did. He said he shook hands with him once and he was a...
0:05:08 > 0:05:10LAUGHTER
0:05:13 > 0:05:16I remembered the first half of that more than the second half.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22How did David Cameron react to the Miliband interview with Brand?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24A bit jealous, I think.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25He said...
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Presumably, because he's too busy hanging out with serious people,
0:05:30 > 0:05:32like Katie Hopkins.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Speaking of comedy sex pests,
0:05:35 > 0:05:37what was Ed's other encounter for this week?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- Bill Cosby?!- No.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Ed Miliband came under fire this week after a TV debate
0:05:47 > 0:05:49with Boris Johnson on Andrew Marr.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Boris taunted Ed that...
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Well, Eton was a waste of money, wasn't it?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Labour seems like it's not going to win any seats in Scotland.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04How did Theresa May describe this?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06"Ha-ha-ha-haaaa..."
0:06:07 > 0:06:09No, she said it's a constitutional crisis,
0:06:09 > 0:06:11the like of which has not been seen
0:06:11 > 0:06:14since the abdication of Edward VIII in 1938.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15How was that, Michael?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Didn't he...?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Didn't he abdicate in 1936, not 1938?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22You just said 1938.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24You read it out. Look at me. You read out 1938.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28The lips are a clue. Look at the lips. 1938. You said 1938.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- It is 1938, isn't it? - No, he abdicated in 1936.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- There you are.- But you don't know whether I'm bluffing or not, do you?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36When you haven't got your friend in the corner,
0:06:36 > 0:06:39you've got no idea what's going on, have you?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41No idea at all.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43APPLAUSE
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- Definitely '36.- 1936.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48I don't think you're right.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50LAUGHTER
0:06:50 > 0:06:52You won't have had a chance to see the Question Time debate
0:06:52 > 0:06:55with David Dimbleby, but we can show you some highlights now.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57"Clegg has gone berserk, he's got an axe!"
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Here is Ed getting a hard time from the audience.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08How can you stand there and say you didn't overspend
0:07:08 > 0:07:10and end up bankrupting this country?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13That is absolutely ludicrous.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14You're frankly just lying.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16I'm sorry. APPLAUSE
0:07:18 > 0:07:20I guess I'm not going to convince you, but...
0:07:20 > 0:07:22You're not going to convince me,
0:07:22 > 0:07:24cos the facts speak for themselves.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27You stood there and said you didn't overspend.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30If I get to the end of the week and I can't afford to buy a pint,
0:07:30 > 0:07:32I've overspent.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- It means I haven't got any money left.- Sure.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35- IAN:- Which party's he from?
0:07:37 > 0:07:38He's good.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42And here is Ed Miliband flirting with one particular lady.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45With all the rhetoric about non-doms and unpaid tax,
0:07:45 > 0:07:49if your party were in power, do you think you could ever bridge the gap
0:07:49 > 0:07:51between the richest and the poorest?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53What's your name?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55LAUGHTER
0:07:59 > 0:08:01What's a non-dom?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Is that just a condom that's not been used?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07- JINGLE PLAYS - Ah, right.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09That welcome interruption means it's time once again
0:08:09 > 0:08:11for a bonus buzzer election round.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14So let's get started. And the category is...
0:08:18 > 0:08:21I'm Ukip parliamentary candidate for Birmingham Harjinder Singh,
0:08:21 > 0:08:22but where am I?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- MICHAEL: In the street. - He's in the street.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Well, he is, of course,
0:08:25 > 0:08:27standing near Junction 7 of the M6.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29He's waving at passing cars.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32He's been doing this 13 hours a day for the last two weeks
0:08:32 > 0:08:33in a bid to win votes.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Locals in a nearby pub were asked if they were going to vote for Ukip.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38What did they all reply?
0:08:38 > 0:08:39- No.- No. There we are.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Fingers on buzzers, here is your next question.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Are we allowed to do jokes about Ukip?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I thought we were being referred to the Kent police.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Yeah, after last week's show.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- Mm.- And the police were, very rightly, quite surprised.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57I mean, usually, they're investigating Ukip,
0:08:57 > 0:09:01not following up...complaints.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04But anyway, I hope we're going to be jolly careful,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07because it's the Representation of the People's Act.
0:09:07 > 0:09:12So if you make jokes about Farage, or Ukip, they could well complain.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Well, he's already threatening the BBC, isn't he?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16To slash the licence fee as a revenge
0:09:16 > 0:09:18for that audience on the opposition...
0:09:18 > 0:09:20But it's funny - when anyone says that, you know,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23there were some pretty racist jokes made at, say, the Ukip gala,
0:09:23 > 0:09:27he says, "Oh, it was a joke, we're going to have censorship now."
0:09:27 > 0:09:30I think the Kent police are going to be round again.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Next, here's Ukip parliamentary candidate for the West Midlands,
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Clair Braund - can you tell me what happened next?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39SHE SIGHS
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Did she start singing... # Let it go, let it go... # ?
0:09:46 > 0:09:50You are so close. I mean, that is almost exactly right, yes.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:53 > 0:09:54MICHAEL: No!
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Let's just have a look.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02# This is the rhythm of the night
0:10:02 > 0:10:04# The night
0:10:04 > 0:10:06# Oh, yeah
0:10:06 > 0:10:08# The rhythm of the night
0:10:08 > 0:10:11# This is the rhythm of my life
0:10:11 > 0:10:13# My life
0:10:13 > 0:10:15# Oh, yeah
0:10:15 > 0:10:17# The rhythm of my life... #
0:10:17 > 0:10:19LAUGHTER
0:10:19 > 0:10:21There.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22- BUZZER - Why?- Why?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24That's a no from me.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28That's exactly right - it was The Voice.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32A recent contestant on The Voice asked all the candidates to...
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- LAUGHING:- So we could judge them all on their singing.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38We can all judge for ourselves, because we have the others here -
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Labour's Steve McCabe, Liberal Democrat John Hemming
0:10:40 > 0:10:43and the Green Party's Margaret Okole.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46# He's a tramp, I adore him
0:10:46 > 0:10:49# Even I have got it pretty bad... #
0:10:49 > 0:10:52# Summertime
0:10:52 > 0:10:54# And the livin' is easy
0:10:56 > 0:10:57# Fish are jumpin'
0:10:58 > 0:11:00# And the cotton is high... #
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- Oh... - PANEL LAUGHS
0:11:02 > 0:11:07# If your time to you is worth saving
0:11:07 > 0:11:11# You'd better start swimming or you'll sink like a stone
0:11:11 > 0:11:16# For the times they are a-changin'. #
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I tell you what, the Tory candidate wins for me.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22He didn't turn up.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- John Hemming was good, wasn't he? - With the guitar?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- Pity he didn't tune it. - Which was a shame.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34He was the Lib Dem rep on my corridor at university - yeah.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Our school didn't have a corridor.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43This is the Labour campaign, which has attracted criticism
0:11:43 > 0:11:44after Ed Miliband was interviewed
0:11:44 > 0:11:46by self-styled revolutionary Russell Brand.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48From New York, older brother David Miliband
0:11:48 > 0:11:50has already cast his vote for Labour.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53He tweeted a pictured of the sealed postal vote with the caption...
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Though that could be a reminder of what time to make his next
0:11:58 > 0:12:00anonymous threatening phone call to him.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Paul and Michael, take a look a this.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09All right, yes - David Cameron with George Osborne, factory visit...
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Oh - he's turning a bit hazy.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Politicians doing what they do just before an election arrives.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17I think this was the week that David Cameron, I think,
0:12:17 > 0:12:21was being criticised for not showing passion and energy for the campaign.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25Yes - he's unexpectedly done something very specific to himself.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27- What did he describe...? - Pumped himself up.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29He has pumped himself up, that is exactly right.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Which is an odd metaphor, really -
0:12:32 > 0:12:36just think, a lot of hot air going into a...
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Yes - so, where did David Cameron decide to start pumping himself up?
0:12:39 > 0:12:40- Where?- Yes.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44I mean geographically, where?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Was it in the Goole area?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50He was visiting the Institute of Chartered Accountants.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- Ah, yes, I see.- That's a really pumped-up kind of place.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Exactly right.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56- Do you want to have a little look at this?- Yeah.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58If I'm getting lively about it,
0:12:58 > 0:13:00it's because I feel bloody lively about it.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02If you think I'm going to roll over in the next ten days
0:13:02 > 0:13:05and let Ed Miliband and Alex Salmond wreck that,
0:13:05 > 0:13:06you've got another thing coming.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Taking a risk, having a punt, having a go -
0:13:09 > 0:13:11that pumps me up.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17I think that passes for hysteria among the accountants.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20As well as being "bloody lively" and "pumped up",
0:13:20 > 0:13:23what else is David Cameron going to do?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- He's not going to put up taxes. - He's not going to put up taxes.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- More than that, though. - How is going to ensure...?
0:13:28 > 0:13:33He's going to pass a law to stop people like...himself
0:13:33 > 0:13:35putting up taxes.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38It's the most pathetic gesture I've ever seen.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Saying, "Look, I can't be trusted not to just whack up income tax
0:13:42 > 0:13:44"as soon as I get in, so I'm going to pass a law
0:13:44 > 0:13:46"to stop me."
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- Income tax, VAT and national insurance.- Yeah.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53And any government that comes in, historically,
0:13:53 > 0:13:55the first thing they do is put up taxes, cos they have to,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57and it's the only year you can do it
0:13:57 > 0:14:00where you're not worried about the election.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02So taxes will go up. He'll have to find some other ones.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Or break the law, and be arrested.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Or maybe he knows he's not getting in any way.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Ooh, the Kent police.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14George Osborne was very good on this in 2009,
0:14:14 > 0:14:17cos Brown was talking about passing legislation.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- Yeah - Gordon Brown outlawed child poverty.- Yeah.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Gone - thank God for that.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Don't have to worry about that any more(!)
0:14:25 > 0:14:28It's against the law - finished.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Um, which football team does David Cameron support?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- Aston Villa.- Well, he doesn't really know, does he?
0:14:34 > 0:14:37He claimed to be an Aston Villa supporter,
0:14:37 > 0:14:39but then he said this in a speech...
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Where you can support Man United, the Windies
0:14:41 > 0:14:44and Team GB all at the same time.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Course, I'd rather you supported West Ham - uh...
0:14:47 > 0:14:49PANEL LAUGHS
0:14:52 > 0:14:55He seemed to realise he'd said the wrong thing.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56How did he explain his mistake?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58"I don't support West Ham or Aston Villa.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03"I've no interest in football - we played rugger where I come from.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05"But a lot of people watch football,
0:15:05 > 0:15:07"so I pretended to have an interest in it
0:15:07 > 0:15:09"in order to gain their votes."
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Well, he gave another explanation, as well,
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- to Lorraine on ITV. - To Lorraine!- Yeah.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Oh, sorry, he HAS done the tough interview, then(!)
0:15:17 > 0:15:18Sorry.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21He told her he'd said West Ham by mistake, because...
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Which, um...
0:15:26 > 0:15:28LAUGHTER
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Which of us hasn't done that?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- So, what happened when... - JINGLE PLAYS
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Ah, now, yes, that is the noise we've all been waiting for,
0:15:36 > 0:15:39heralding another of our bonus buzzer election rounds.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Well, that's putting it a bit strong.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43I don't know if we've ALL been waiting for it.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46I don't know about you, but that really pumps me up, that.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- The, er... - LAUGHTER
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- The category is...- Yes?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54- Random questions.- Random questions!
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- So, fingers on buzzers. - Yeah, fingers on buzzers.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59In a recent interview, Green Party leader Natalie Bennett
0:15:59 > 0:16:02said she was the only leader who could do this.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04It involves an animal - what is it?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06LAUGHTER
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- Shear a sheep.- Oh, yes.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11- Exactly what she can do.- Yeah. - She can shear a sheep.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- Yeah.- Brilliant. - During an interview on Magic Radio,
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- what did David Cameron say William Hague...?- Magic Radio!
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Another toughie!
0:16:19 > 0:16:20During this interview,
0:16:20 > 0:16:23what did David Cameron say William Hague could do with his kneecaps?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Put them behind his ears?
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Put them behind his head?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28- Not HIS ears.- Twist them around. - Not HIS ears.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Oh - somebody else's ears?
0:16:30 > 0:16:31David Cameron said of William Hague...
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Cos you never know when you're going to need to do that.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44What have Channel 4 decided to do to get their viewers out and voting?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Yeah, E4's going to stop broadcasting, isn't it?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- Shutting down for the day. - Shutting down for the day.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- Absolutely.- Yes. - To get the young out.- Yes.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53What about if you had plans that day to go vote
0:16:53 > 0:16:56and then reward yourself with a bit of Hollyoaks omnibus?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59You're going to have to just sit at home with the screen blank
0:16:59 > 0:17:02and stab yourself in the eye.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05To get that same feeling.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Fingers on buzzers, everyone.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10OK, this is an observational question, next.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Who can tell me what's wrong
0:17:12 > 0:17:14with this Labour leaflet from West Suffolk?
0:17:20 > 0:17:22LAUGHTER
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Ironically, "bullet point text of about 15 words to go here"
0:17:29 > 0:17:32has turned out to be one of Labour's best policies.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35What has Jeremy Vine decided NOT to do on election night?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Consort with a prostitute.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40He's decided not to do that.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44He never has done it before, I should make quite clear.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47And I very much doubt he's ever thought about it.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49- According to the Guardian...- Yeah.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- At night.- Yeah!
0:18:01 > 0:18:02A hot-air balloon at night.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05We're coming into the final straight of this election -
0:18:05 > 0:18:07- that's when things get really interesting.- Yeah.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- Let's take a look at this race to the finish.- Yeah.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Ah...
0:18:17 > 0:18:20He's missing a sponsorship opportunity there.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22I think it's O2.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25If his name was Bob he could just put a B on each buttock.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30David Cameron is actually a genuine Villa fan.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33He clearly remembers Villa winning the 1982 European Cup final
0:18:33 > 0:18:36when Peter Withe scored that amazing try in the last minute.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41The Mail reported that in one of his new pumped up speeches
0:18:41 > 0:18:43David Cameron shouted...
0:18:44 > 0:18:46To which the roofers and the plumbers said,
0:18:46 > 0:18:48"Could we have that in Polish, please?"
0:18:50 > 0:18:53And so it is to round two, the Jigsaw of News.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Onto our buzzers once again - buzz when you know what it is.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01BUZZER
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Yes, Paul and Michael.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- The royal baby's arrived.- Has it?!
0:19:05 > 0:19:08This is the news that...
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- Yes.- ..there is currently no news regarding the royal baby.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13No, I think it's wonderful news
0:19:13 > 0:19:16that William and Kate have welcomed a little girl.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18No, I think it's wonderful news
0:19:18 > 0:19:21that Kate and William have welcomed a little boy.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Yes.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25And I thought the choice of name was very, very good, didn't you?
0:19:25 > 0:19:26I did. Yes.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Stan.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I don't feel the same sense of excitement
0:19:31 > 0:19:33about this second royal baby.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Though I am really excited to follow tradition
0:19:35 > 0:19:37and question its paternity.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40I think... APPLAUSE
0:19:40 > 0:19:42..that'll be really fun.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Before the birth, Wills and Kate sent out coffees and pastries
0:19:45 > 0:19:47for the loyal supporters camped outside the hospital.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49According to the Daily Express,
0:19:49 > 0:19:50they were decorated with pink ribbons...
0:19:53 > 0:19:56I mean, that's just terrible stereotyping.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58It could just as easily have been a gay boy.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06BUZZER
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Yes, Ian and Katherine.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11This was an advertisement which a lot of people objected to.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15It was asking people whether their bodies were "beach ready".
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Is your body beach ready, Ian?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Yes. Hell, yes.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25And those of us, you know, who've already thought about this,
0:20:25 > 0:20:27were pretty annoyed - of course it is, yes!
0:20:27 > 0:20:29I hate that we're even mentioning them,
0:20:29 > 0:20:31because what's worse than this ad
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- is their customer service response on Twitter.- Yes.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- They're just trolling the people who are upset.- Yes.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40It's awful. I didn't have a huge problem with this ad,
0:20:40 > 0:20:42until I saw their response to complaints.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Well, let's look at that.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47When Twitter user Juliette Burton tweeted...
0:20:50 > 0:20:51The company came back with...
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Arjun Seth, chief executive of Protein World,
0:20:57 > 0:21:00responded by describing the women behind the campaign as...
0:21:05 > 0:21:06And we have.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09There was a petition started on Twitter.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- 60,000 signatures, that has attracted.- 60,000!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Yeah, I can't imagine - is that good?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17I don't know, in the context of petitions generally, is that a...?
0:21:17 > 0:21:20100,000 you can get a private members' bill in the Commons.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21OK, well, there we are.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Halfway there.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- MICHAEL: Just over halfway. - Thank you very much.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28You're not counting on poll night, are you? You're not a counter?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Yeah, I am. That's what... Yeah, that's...
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Just for Tower Hamlets.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:37 > 0:21:39The Independent reports
0:21:39 > 0:21:41that people have added their comments to the advert,
0:21:41 > 0:21:43such as...
0:21:43 > 0:21:44And...
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Although this is my favourite.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Ooh, in other news, what are they disgusted about in Tunbridge Wells?
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Has a shop opened selling The Guardian?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- No... - LAUGHTER
0:22:01 > 0:22:04No, they are disgusted in Tunbridge Wells because,
0:22:04 > 0:22:06according to resident Colin Smart...
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Lidl?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Oh, no.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17One resident told The Sun he was...
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Time now for the Odd One Out Round, just one between you this week,
0:22:22 > 0:22:23and your four are...
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Salvador Dali, Robo-chef,
0:22:25 > 0:22:27two Swiss Guards at The Vatican
0:22:27 > 0:22:29and Watson the Computer.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30BUZZER
0:22:30 > 0:22:33KATHERINE: Salvador Dali has bread on his head,
0:22:33 > 0:22:34and this robot's cooking.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38I know this Watson computer system can make recipes now,
0:22:38 > 0:22:42and those Swiss Guards, um...Ian?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Um, the Swiss Guards are also robots.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- LAUGHING:- No!
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- Watson, Watson the co... - He can cook, he can smell.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Can't really cook so much, but...
0:22:54 > 0:22:58- Smell! Eat!- ..write... - He can create recipes.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Yes, and when you put lots of recipes together...
0:23:00 > 0:23:01It's a cookbook.
0:23:01 > 0:23:06- Cookbook, yes.- They've all produced a cookbook...- Except for?
0:23:06 > 0:23:07- Robo-chef.- Yes!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Except for Robo-chef, who can only cook other people's recipes.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- Oh, how pathetic.- Yes.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15I'm pretty sure that's not what he looks like.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19Robo-chef is a culinary computer who can be taught to cook
0:23:19 > 0:23:21any recipe via its robotic arms.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24In other news revealed this week, who's this?
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Robot woman.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28It is a robot woman, exactly right, do you know what she's called?
0:23:28 > 0:23:29- Yes. - MICHAEL: Sarah Palin.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31LAUGHTER
0:23:32 > 0:23:35- I think she may be Japanese, but I'm not sure.- She's Japanese.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39She's called Yangyang, and she is the first robotic receptionist.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42She had been likened to Sarah Palin, although The Times said Yangyang...
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Knows more about foreign policy, yes.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50The supercomputer Watson, IBM supercomputer,
0:23:50 > 0:23:52has recently released a cookbook.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54How does it come up with its recipes?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Has he come up with rather unusual combinations
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- because he has no sense of taste and smell?- Exactly right.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Can you hazard a guess at any of those?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Eh, Newport Pagnell stew.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04LAUGHTER
0:24:04 > 0:24:08- Bethnal sausage. - Beef in a WD-40 jus.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- Yeah.- Very nice. The dishes include...
0:24:13 > 0:24:14KATHERINE GASPS
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Not one to serve up if you've got the Farages coming round.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Oh, God, officer, yes, yeah...
0:24:21 > 0:24:26Salvador Dali also wrote a cookbook called Les Diners de Gala.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29The Swiss Guards at The Vatican, they've produced a cookbook
0:24:29 > 0:24:32based on the favourite meals of the last three popes.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35What did the Pope recently take delivery of on his Popemobile?
0:24:35 > 0:24:37- Pizza?- Absolutely right.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39EXCITED SHOUTS
0:24:41 > 0:24:43KATHERINE: Oh, no.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- What's that thing they throw in afterwards?- The anchovies.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Garlic bread.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Yes, the answer is they have all produced cookbooks,
0:24:55 > 0:24:58except for the robot chef, who can only produce other chefs' recipes.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02The Vatican cookbook has recipes for pasta, Polish dumplings,
0:25:02 > 0:25:04and my favourite - Eggs Benedict XVI.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:25:08 > 0:25:10which this week features as its guest publication...
0:25:12 > 0:25:16You can trust every word - unlike Liar Magazine.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18And we start with....
0:25:20 > 0:25:22KATHERINE: Irresistible to women.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26To become an expert in the world of lutes.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30- Erm, I think that's probably good enough.- So do I.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Writing in Lute News, Susan King of Hobart, Tasmania
0:25:33 > 0:25:34wrote that she was...
0:25:38 > 0:25:39Adding...
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Susan, I really wouldn't worry.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46Next...
0:25:48 > 0:25:50MICHAEL: Pocket billiards?
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Bridge. It's now a sport cos you exercise one muscle - the brain.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Mmm. A High Court judge has ruled that bridge can be
0:25:57 > 0:25:59classified as a sport.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01At last - my way out of the ghetto.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Next...
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Cocky McGhee.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- AMERICAN ACCENT:- Jimmy Lee. - No.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15His name is Randy Boehning.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19MICHAEL: You're kidding?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23This is the news that a Republican lawmaker
0:26:23 > 0:26:25who voted against gay rights is outed
0:26:25 > 0:26:28after posting nude pictures on Grindr.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30And finally...
0:26:32 > 0:26:33MICHAEL: Jeffrey.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Disloyal attack on a fellow Tory peer, surely!
0:26:37 > 0:26:38There you go.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41APPLAUSE
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Helium.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51- This is The Archers radio show, isn't it?- Oh, yes.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53The answer is a real bed.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58This is the news that Radio 4's The Archers uses a real bed
0:26:58 > 0:27:00to make its love scenes more realistic.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02The news, the news!
0:27:03 > 0:27:07To simulate the sound of a bed, they use a bed!
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Before they got the bed, did they just fuck against the wall?
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: - Better get the sheep in then.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17THUMPING
0:27:17 > 0:27:19MICHAEL LAUGHS LOUDLY
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Veteran script writer Ken Davies
0:27:22 > 0:27:25revealed that sex scenes in The Archers usually involve...
0:27:30 > 0:27:34That's what happens after six pints of scrumpy in The Bull.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36And so the final scores are...
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Paul and Michael are on five,
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Ian and Katherine are on seven.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41They win!
0:27:41 > 0:27:43APPLAUSE
0:27:46 > 0:27:48We leave you with news that, after a hard week's campaigning,
0:27:48 > 0:27:51David Cameron is dismayed to learn that not only has Nick Clegg
0:27:51 > 0:27:53chickened out of their table tennis match,
0:27:53 > 0:27:55but he's also ordered the wrong size table.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04As Venezuela switches over to the British-style road safety system,
0:28:04 > 0:28:06there's concern that something may have been lost in translation.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13And following his football gaffe, David Cameron is keen
0:28:13 > 0:28:15to show voters in Southport just how much of a fan he is.
0:28:25 > 0:28:26Good night!