0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains very strong language
0:00:24 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41I'm Robert Peston.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43In the news this week -
0:00:43 > 0:00:48after only 55 of 56 Scottish Nationalist MPs
0:00:48 > 0:00:51arrive at Westminster, there's evidence that the other one
0:00:51 > 0:00:54may have overdone the victory celebrations.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55You all right?!
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Following the birth of the royal baby,
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Buckingham Palace begins a thorough deep clean
0:01:08 > 0:01:10prior to the baby's first visit.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22And in Eastbourne, there's a special birthday celebration
0:01:22 > 0:01:25for Britain's oldest dental nurse.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Blow it out.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35On Ian's team's tonight is an actor and writer
0:01:35 > 0:01:38who recently starred in the Channel 4 show Catastrophe
0:01:38 > 0:01:41which was a comedy about relationships
0:01:41 > 0:01:45and not a documentary about the Labour Party's campaign strategy.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Please welcome Rob Delaney.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50APPLAUSE
0:01:53 > 0:01:56And with Paul tonight is a comedian who says her biggest fear
0:01:56 > 0:02:01is not being in the right place at the right time.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Tell me about it.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04I thought I was doing Newsnight.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Please welcome Roisin Conaty.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10APPLAUSE
0:02:12 > 0:02:14And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Paul and Roisin, could you take a look at this, please?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19OK, feeling of optimism still pervading.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22These are people who are upset, of course, because of the Labour loss.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24There's somebody who's about to say...
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Oh, hello! And Burnham's new secretary.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- Here's another guy standing. - Chuka.- Yes.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33And Yvette Cooper being outwitted by a baby.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Who was one of the first to knife Ed Miliband in the front?
0:02:39 > 0:02:40His brother.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- David.- I mean, he waited 36 hours which was...
0:02:44 > 0:02:46But that's because of the time difference
0:02:46 > 0:02:48between here and America.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50I don't think Labour necessarily lost
0:02:50 > 0:02:53cos they were left, I think it's because they are all over the place.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54It was an awful campaign.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Not any more!
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- No.- They're mostly in London.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02I think Labour are like those restaurants
0:03:02 > 0:03:05that have really thick menus. You know, and they serve like
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Italian food, breakfast, Chinese.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10You think, "I do not trust these guys."
0:03:10 > 0:03:12They're just all over the place.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14It's sort of responsive and that's the problem.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17I think people, they should choose some Labour campaign,
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Labour ideals and just sort of make them appetising again.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Sell them!
0:03:20 > 0:03:24- How about her for leader? - CHEERING
0:03:24 > 0:03:27APPLAUSE I'd be terrible. I'd be terrible.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29I mean, if you think Ed was bad at eating a bacon sandwich,
0:03:29 > 0:03:31I'm practically feral.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35That's your campaign poster - "Practically Feral."
0:03:38 > 0:03:40So, where's Ed gone?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Has he tied that stone with all the pledges round his neck
0:03:42 > 0:03:44and jumped off a ferry?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Ibiza.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Inz-inz-inz-inz!
0:03:50 > 0:03:53The good thing about Ibiza is that there's this one place
0:03:53 > 0:03:55where all the partygoers go. There's one tiny town.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57- So Ibiza's a beautiful island. - Right.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59And you can avoid them because they're just there.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Has it got some agreeable ruins and a church where one can wander round?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Yes.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09It would remind you very much of the Private Eye offices.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I really must give it a go!
0:04:14 > 0:04:15And it's got that mountain...
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Inz-inz-inz!
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- Oh, do that again!- Do that again!
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Of course, there's a rumour that Ed has actually taken a job
0:04:26 > 0:04:28in the riot police.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Was he attracted by the letters MP on his head?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Now, did you see some of the ingenious attempts
0:04:39 > 0:04:41to spoil the ballot paper last week?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- No.- Right!
0:04:43 > 0:04:46One voter in Montgomeryshire tried to make a protest against
0:04:46 > 0:04:49standing Tory MP Glyn Davies, who said...
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Now, what about Chuka Umunna?
0:05:12 > 0:05:16- Yep.- Did you see how he threw his hat into the ring?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19He went to Swindon and...
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Am I right?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- Yeah. Totally right.- He did a Facebook... He did a recording
0:05:23 > 0:05:26on a phone, it seemed, and did a Facebook announcement.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29And he seemed really pleased with himself.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33Like, "Yeah, I've left London. I've come to Swindon to announce."
0:05:34 > 0:05:37He sort of had the air of, you know, the candidate
0:05:37 > 0:05:39on The Apprentice that goes out in the third week.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43You're absolutely right. He announced his leadership bid
0:05:43 > 0:05:46in what looked like a sort of teenage, home-made video
0:05:46 > 0:05:47on the internet.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50So I'm pleased today to be announcing that I will be
0:05:50 > 0:05:53standing for the leadership of the party.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I think we can and we should be winning in seats,
0:05:56 > 0:05:58like in Swindon.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00North, south, east, west,
0:06:00 > 0:06:02we can absolutely do it as a party.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05So, Chuka's audio a bit rumbly, I thought.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08There's a technical term for his problem...
0:06:08 > 0:06:09amateurism.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13What he needed was a Micromuff.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- Here it is.- Yes.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Always does it for me, the Micromuff.
0:06:18 > 0:06:23You just pop one on the end of your microphone.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25LAUGHTER
0:06:25 > 0:06:28I don't think they're called that.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30They're not called Micromuffs.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33I work in the industry, mate, they're called Micromuffs.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Yeah, well, so do I, funnily enough!
0:06:38 > 0:06:41That's what they're telling you what it's called.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44I mean, look at the way they've had to mock-up the packaging,
0:06:44 > 0:06:46for God's sake.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48What's gone wrong? What did I do wrong?
0:06:48 > 0:06:49No, nothing.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52No, they're admitting it. It's made up.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53What, today?
0:06:53 > 0:06:57- Yeah.- Um, well, extraordinarily, over the last five minutes,
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Chuka has actually withdrawn his candidacy
0:06:59 > 0:07:01for the Labour leadership!
0:07:10 > 0:07:14This has got to be the most powerful programme on television!
0:07:15 > 0:07:17We haven't even gone out!
0:07:19 > 0:07:21At the moment, we're appearing in front of 300 people.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25That's enough to make a man withdraw his candidacy!
0:07:25 > 0:07:28"Bad news, they've just shown your video on Have I Got News For You."
0:07:28 > 0:07:31"I resign! I'm away! I'm off!"
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Do we have any information why he resigned?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Yeah, Peston called him amateur. He's gone!
0:07:40 > 0:07:43I hope the Tories are watching. Leave the BBC on!
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Here's Chuka's statement -
0:07:46 > 0:07:48"I know this will come as a surprise to many,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51"but I'd always wondered whether it was all too soon for me
0:07:51 > 0:07:53"to launch this leadership bid.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54"I fear it was."
0:07:54 > 0:07:56I need to text him cos he's got a typo in his
0:07:56 > 0:07:58resignation statement. Anyway...
0:08:01 > 0:08:04You're even attacking his resignation statement!
0:08:05 > 0:08:08"That's not the way I would have resigned!"
0:08:08 > 0:08:12Yep, this is Labour and the Lib Dems looking for new leaders.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15According to The Times, David Miliband broke his silence
0:08:15 > 0:08:18over the row with his brother Ed by criticising his campaign,
0:08:18 > 0:08:20but added...
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Clearly the words of a man who's looked into the
0:08:27 > 0:08:31legal possibility of stopping being someone's brother.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Commenting on his brother, David Miliband told the press...
0:08:41 > 0:08:42Adding,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45"But I'd been drinking and the back-stabbing little shit
0:08:45 > 0:08:47"deserved it!"
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Chuka Umunna fuelled speculation that he would run
0:08:51 > 0:08:54for the Labour leadership...
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Although, her day was somewhat spoiled by all the photographers
0:08:57 > 0:08:59shouting, "Chuka! Chuka!"
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Ian and Rob, take a look at this.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Right, that's Ukip's non-MP. He's resigned.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- No, he hasn't. - No, he hasn't, he's back.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11He's having a think about it or a drink about it anyway.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13That's someone who says he probably should have resigned.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Campaign director.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17There he is saying, "I haven't."
0:09:17 > 0:09:21So is someone going to come and tell us that he has resigned, or...?
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Is he back? Or is he gone?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25I'm glad he's back. What's his real desire, though?
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Does he really want to quit and somebody said,
0:09:27 > 0:09:30"No!" Or does he not want to and people are...
0:09:30 > 0:09:32I don't know. I'm glad. I think he's fantastic for news.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- You mean, you think he's great for comedy?- Yeah, exactly.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38So, Ukip's rather fallen apart.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41You can't say anything cos you're BBC and you're balanced.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43But it is pretty funny.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Their one MP and the campaign director
0:09:47 > 0:09:50seem to have split off into a faction which is quite good
0:09:50 > 0:09:52for a party that's got one MP.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55They've got a furious internal schism!
0:09:55 > 0:09:58He cuts himself in half...
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Didn't his campaign manager say he changed from
0:10:01 > 0:10:05an ebullient, cheerful man into a thin-skinned aggressive?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08That's just alcohol.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Anyone who knows a heavy drinker knows that's how it goes.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12It's all fun at the beginning of the evening
0:10:12 > 0:10:15then it's all, "Send them all back," at the end of the night.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20But that's not his fault, apparently. That was an aide.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22You know what it's like. Somebody says to you,
0:10:22 > 0:10:25"Why don't you be thin-skinned, snarling and aggressive?"
0:10:25 > 0:10:27And you go, "Yeah, all right."
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Lefty BBC audience! Typical!
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Does Nigel Farage command the full support
0:10:35 > 0:10:38of all his MP?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Well, Douglas Carswell used to be a Tory and then he defected.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48- Yes.- And all through the campaign it was quite entertaining
0:10:48 > 0:10:51to watch him because Farage would say something on television
0:10:51 > 0:10:54and then someone would say to Carswell, "Do you agree with that?"
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Carswell would go, "Well, no. Obviously, quite embarrassing."
0:10:58 > 0:11:00And you thought, "You're in the wrong party."
0:11:00 > 0:11:01And now, he is the party.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06And what did Carswell say about the £650,000 a year
0:11:06 > 0:11:09of short money that they'd got?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12As a result of getting four million votes.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13"I don't need it", he said.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16No, cos he's only got one seat and one office.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19So spending 600 grand on, I don't know, furnishings and coffee.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21They wanted to give him ten staff.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24He could buy more cushions so when he sits in the House Of Commons,
0:11:24 > 0:11:26he's slightly taller than everybody else.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30"That's 600 grand, there."
0:11:30 > 0:11:32That would be amazing. Just really high.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Individually, bit by bit, by the end of the year,
0:11:34 > 0:11:36he could be 50 feet up.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39But you never see him get any higher.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43What did David Cameron say at the first meeting of the Cabinet?
0:11:43 > 0:11:45"I can't fucking believe it!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49"What's going on?
0:11:49 > 0:11:50"I mean...
0:11:51 > 0:11:54"I mean, you know, I mean..."
0:11:57 > 0:12:00He allowed himself a moment of relaxation.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04But he also said he wanted the Conservatives to be...
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Which organisation may be in for a tough time?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13- It's the BBC.- Absolutely right.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16The new Culture Secretary is on record as saying
0:12:16 > 0:12:18the BBC had better watch it.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20And lots of Tories are saying, "Typical BBC,
0:12:20 > 0:12:23"the election coverage was biased."
0:12:23 > 0:12:24You know, they won!
0:12:25 > 0:12:28They won quite well.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30So it was obviously not very effectively biased, then.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32In fact, it was a bit useless.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Of course, with negotiations for its charter renewal
0:12:35 > 0:12:39beginning later this year, the BBC needs to watch its step.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42On hearing who the new Culture Secretary was,
0:12:42 > 0:12:46the BBC immediately issued a statement saying...
0:12:48 > 0:12:51"We're very much looking forward to working with John Whittingdale."
0:12:51 > 0:12:53JINGLE
0:12:53 > 0:12:56And that light-hearted sting means it's time
0:12:56 > 0:12:59to test your knowledge on some of the other new appointments
0:12:59 > 0:13:01in our quickfire quiz...
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Come on.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08So, fingers on buzzers. We start with,
0:13:08 > 0:13:11who am I and what do I do?
0:13:11 > 0:13:12BUZZER RINGS
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Jo Johnson. He was in the Policy Unit.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18He's now minister for something, I don't know.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21It is indeed Boris's brother, Jo Johnson,
0:13:21 > 0:13:25who has been appointed Universities and Science Minister.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Since I'm American and not smart, I don't know who that is.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30But I looked at him and this is what I thought.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33It looks like somebody who went up to Boris Johnson, like a wizard,
0:13:33 > 0:13:35and went, "Be more handsome."
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Next, who am I and who's my dad?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45BUZZER RINGS
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Is this the Dinenage dynasty?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Might well be.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49And Fred was her dad.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- Caroline.- Caroline.- Well done, yep, absolutely right.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55She's the minister for equality and women.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57And what do we know about her background?
0:13:57 > 0:14:02She voted against gay marriage. You'd think that would be...
0:14:02 > 0:14:04How do the people get these jobs?
0:14:04 > 0:14:05"Do you believe in equality?"
0:14:05 > 0:14:07"No." "Start on Monday."
0:14:08 > 0:14:11APPLAUSE
0:14:13 > 0:14:16And rounding off our reshuffle round-up,
0:14:16 > 0:14:17according to The Times...
0:14:23 > 0:14:26And Liz Truss has remained in the Cabinet
0:14:26 > 0:14:31having impressed David Cameron with her tub-thumping speeches.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33In December, I'll be in Beijing
0:14:33 > 0:14:36opening up new pork markets.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39LAUGHTER
0:14:43 > 0:14:45We all do that, but we don't boast about it.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50And finally, just for fun, let's enjoy this picture
0:14:50 > 0:14:54of the new business secretary Sajid Javid's campaign poster.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05So this is the first week of the new government.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07The new Communities Secretary is Greg Clark,
0:15:07 > 0:15:09who was born in Middlesbrough and is...
0:15:11 > 0:15:13As are most children in Middlesbrough.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21You might have to go somewhere different for your holidays now.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28It's also been reported that after the election,
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Britain now has the gayest parliament in the world,
0:15:31 > 0:15:33with 32 openly gay MPs.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37Although some of them may have just said that to put off Sally Bercow.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43APPLAUSE
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Going back to Patrick O'Flynn,
0:15:45 > 0:15:51he also said that Ukip was in danger of becoming a personality cult.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Here's the BBC's Norman Smith reporting on the story.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58That there was a danger, he said in this article in the Times,
0:15:58 > 0:16:00of the party turning into, quotes,
0:16:00 > 0:16:02"an absolutist monarchy
0:16:02 > 0:16:04"or personality cunt."
0:16:04 > 0:16:05Cu...
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Personality cult.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Poor bloke.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17When Nigel Farage complains about bias at the BBC...
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- He's got a point!- He's got a point on that particular occasion.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25You're having a nice time there.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28I'd get your address book out, there's quite a few names...
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- I am looking for a new career.- Yeah.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34I'm not sure you've found it.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37LAUGHTER
0:16:37 > 0:16:39I wasn't claiming this was it!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46And so to round two, and it's a welcome return
0:16:46 > 0:16:49for the Have I Got News For You Wheel of News.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Here's the first spin.
0:16:52 > 0:16:53DRUMROLL
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Fantastic. BUZZER
0:16:58 > 0:17:01I can just about make that out, I think it's a Picasso,
0:17:01 > 0:17:05and a Picasso painting was sold for a world-record sum this week,
0:17:05 > 0:17:07so that's what it must be. I don't know what it's called.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- Women Of Algiers. - The Women Of Algiers.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12They look like they're having a nice time.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15- It looks like boobs, feet and a witch's hat.- Yeah.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Drunken geometry night at the pub.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20It's their husbands I feel sorry for.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Look at the state of her, the one in the middle.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24If she came home like that, I'd lock her out.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29"You can stay there till morning, young lady," I'd say.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31£115 million, wasn't it?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- £115 million?- You're one out.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35£116 million.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36I bid 115, that's why...
0:17:38 > 0:17:39ROB: I should mention,
0:17:39 > 0:17:43in America, Fox News reported the sale of this painting
0:17:43 > 0:17:48and they blurred out the breasts of the Cubist women in the painting.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51ROISIN: They just fogged them out, didn't they? It was really weird...
0:17:51 > 0:17:53- They didn't really do that, did they?- Yeah!
0:17:53 > 0:17:56ROB: They really did, yeah. If you squinted, you could still...
0:17:59 > 0:18:01APPLAUSE
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Is that his pixelated period?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09This is the news that The Women Of Algiers
0:18:09 > 0:18:13has been sold at auction for a world record £116 million.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14The painting set a new record
0:18:14 > 0:18:16for the Blue team on Bargain Hunt.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Michael Glover, in the Independent, said that the work was...
0:18:23 > 0:18:27To be fair, Michael Glover is an expert on Cubist art,
0:18:27 > 0:18:31which explains why he doesn't know his arse from his elbow.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33- On to the next spin. - DRUMROLL
0:18:35 > 0:18:36BUZZER
0:18:37 > 0:18:40The Guardian had spent about ten years
0:18:40 > 0:18:43trying to publish the letters that Prince Charles regularly writes
0:18:43 > 0:18:45to government, and they succeeded this week,
0:18:45 > 0:18:47and we've been reading the letters he's been writing.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51£400,000 was spent, and they're really boring.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Uh, really boring letters.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55There's not one drunken poem.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Not one dick pic.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Forget I said that, sorry!
0:19:00 > 0:19:03ROB: It was more of a watercolour. It was done in pen and ink.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05ROISIN: My mum will watch this show, get rid of that.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Perhaps you shouldn't have said "dick pic" then!
0:19:09 > 0:19:10Do you put dick pics on all your letters?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I don't have a dick!
0:19:14 > 0:19:15If he's going to write letters to people,
0:19:15 > 0:19:17we should be able to read them.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19It's got to be transparent.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22We're not allowed to read what most of the large lobbying companies
0:19:22 > 0:19:24write to these ministers, we're barely allowed to know
0:19:24 > 0:19:26when they have meetings with them.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27So I'm all for a bit of transparency,
0:19:27 > 0:19:30but I don't think he's the big lobbying problem.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32One of the things he's concerned about is...
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Here's a picture of it.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Does anybody know why he's so worried
0:19:38 > 0:19:40- about the Patagonian Toothfish? - Well, it's dead!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44That'd be his major concern, I would think.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Yeah, look at the state of him.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50I have no doubt he's definitely phoned a talk radio at some point.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- No doubt.- What, at one o'clock?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56"Oh, no, it's not Charles, call one Steve."
0:19:57 > 0:20:00"Next on line four, we've got Charlie from Windsor.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04"Charlie, what's your beef with Beef Up With Bucknall?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06"What do you want to say?" "The pelicans..."
0:20:06 > 0:20:07HE MUMBLES
0:20:07 > 0:20:09"Sorry, mate, you'll have to speak louder than that.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13"Line four, Liz and Philip, you can't get to sleep at night, what's the matter?"
0:20:14 > 0:20:18How happy is Charles to have the letters aired in public?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Apparently he's written a letter!
0:20:20 > 0:20:25He hasn't actually commented himself yet, but his assistant did have
0:20:25 > 0:20:29a little run-in with Michael Crick on Channel 4 News on Wednesday.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Shall we take a look?
0:20:30 > 0:20:34Good morning, sir, are you worried about these letters?
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Are you still writing to ministers, letters like that?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Have you not been behaving unconstitutionally?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44ROB: Took care of that Micromuff!
0:20:46 > 0:20:48This is the news that after ten years,
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Prince Charles's memos have finally been released.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Prince Charles is known by the nickname "Black Spider",
0:20:55 > 0:20:58which refers not only to his scrawled handwriting,
0:20:58 > 0:21:02but also to the fact that the first time Camilla saw him in the bath,
0:21:02 > 0:21:04she ran out screaming.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Here's the last spin.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09DRUMROLL
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Anybody know?
0:21:15 > 0:21:17BUZZER I know this.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21- It's Bring Back Plates campaign. - Oh, yes.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25Because of restaurants serving food on shovels, in shoes...
0:21:25 > 0:21:27I'm going to the wrong restaurants!
0:21:27 > 0:21:29You don't get it at Pizza Hut, Ian.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33"Am I allowed to go up for another helping of salad?"
0:21:34 > 0:21:37It's restaurants being really pretentious
0:21:37 > 0:21:39and serving their food like that.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41A lot of food is given to you in a bucket, though, isn't it?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44That's Kentucky Fried Chicken you're thinking of!
0:21:45 > 0:21:47What do you get yours served in, a pail?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52You're absolutely right, it's the revolt against trendy restaurants
0:21:52 > 0:21:54serving food on unusual items.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Now, why WOULD you serve a fried breakfast on a shovel?
0:21:58 > 0:21:59ROB: You're an asshole.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04What other unusual objects has food been served up on?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06There's a tennis-themed restaurant
0:22:06 > 0:22:09where they serve the food at you at 102mph.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Let's have a look at some other examples.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18One restaurant offers potato wedges on a ping pong bat.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Service not included.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22And bread in a flat cap.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Perfect for Paddy Ashdown!
0:22:26 > 0:22:28I'd go with that one, I'd buy that one.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32How does one restaurant in America like to serve you spaghetti?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34At gunpoint?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40One woman told the campaign...
0:22:46 > 0:22:49This is the revolt against trendy restaurants
0:22:49 > 0:22:51serving food on unusual items.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55One of the dishes available is sausages and mash in a wine glass.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Oh, for God's sake!
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Though you sometimes have to send it back
0:22:59 > 0:23:02because it's PORKED.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03GROANING
0:23:04 > 0:23:06ROB: Oh, my!
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:23:11 > 0:23:15which this week features as its guest publication Stonechat,
0:23:15 > 0:23:18the newsletter of the Dry Stone Walling Association.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20And we start with...
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Is it from this magazine?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Well, it's not from the Financial Times, surely.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34The thought of Greek exit from the euro?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38I think it is.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Very much mistaken.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43It's, the thought of...
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Yup, mainly the fear that it might not fall on him.
0:23:55 > 0:23:56Next.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Is it "kill them"?
0:24:04 > 0:24:05The answer is...
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Oh, yeah, they'll be cheaper.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Next...
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Running Battersea Robo-dogs Home.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24There was a power cut and we lost so many.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:38 > 0:24:40- That's horrible!- Next...
0:24:46 > 0:24:50ROB: If I could only have one child, it would be my son Philip,
0:24:50 > 0:24:53because he's the favourite of my three.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- ROISIN: Rob Delaney! - Bloody hell.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01That has the ring of authenticity about it, I have to say.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05ROB: If I could only have one wall, it would be very dry.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Of course! Next...
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Is it tax avoidance?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Lawyers, remove.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33To be fair, Sean Connery must be good at projecting his voice
0:25:33 > 0:25:36if Scottish Nationalists can hear him all the way from the Bahamas.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41It will be a good first meeting, won't it, Sturgeon and Cameron?
0:25:41 > 0:25:42That's due to take place.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46He comes in, she says, "I've been expecting you, Mr Cameron."
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Very good. Very good.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51APPLAUSE
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Next...
0:25:58 > 0:26:00ROISIN: Heavy breathers.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Well, you're going to be shocked by this.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Well, stonewallers never really stick together.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Isn't it dry stone walls? So they don't stick together,
0:26:17 > 0:26:19they're literally just placed on top of each other.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21I think that was the point of the joke, wasn't it?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23No, I think it was just a failure.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Way to really make me feel good about this programme.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31No, no, it was terrific.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34No, I don't think we should put Robert in a place
0:26:34 > 0:26:35where he thinks he's been terrific.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39It's all right, I've got my therapist afterwards.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Oh, he's resigned, by the way.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43APPLAUSE
0:26:45 > 0:26:47And, lastly...
0:26:51 > 0:26:55- It was a dart thing. Bit off a dart. - Like a feather or something?
0:26:55 > 0:26:56Absolutely brilliant.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57The answer is...
0:27:00 > 0:27:01ROB SNEEZES
0:27:03 > 0:27:04APPLAUSE
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Yup, he sneezed out his toy dart after 44 years.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Great news for Steve Easton.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Now all he needs is a strong bout of flatulence
0:27:21 > 0:27:23and he can get his Action Man back.
0:27:23 > 0:27:24GROANING
0:27:26 > 0:27:29So, the final scores are,
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Ian and Rob have 3,
0:27:32 > 0:27:34and Paul and Roisin have 7.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36APPLAUSE
0:27:36 > 0:27:38APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:27:40 > 0:27:41You got them all right!
0:27:41 > 0:27:44On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Ian Hislop and Rob Delaney, Paul Merton and Roisin Conaty.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50And I leave you with news that,
0:27:50 > 0:27:53despite an unexpected election victory,
0:27:53 > 0:27:57David Cameron's leadership comes under threat as he visits
0:27:57 > 0:27:58the Yorkshire Dales.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05It's clear to senior Lib Dems that only Tim Farron
0:28:05 > 0:28:08can give the party the inspirational vision it needs.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16And in Westminster, there's an awkward moment for the bloke
0:28:16 > 0:28:19who wrote, "Sod off, ham-face" on his boss's leaving card.
0:28:23 > 0:28:24Goodnight.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26APPLAUSE