0:00:24 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:41- Good evening.- Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jack Dee.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44In the news this week: In the light of fresh evidence,
0:00:44 > 0:00:46regulators are called in to investigate
0:00:46 > 0:00:49the winners of Switzerland's version of Strictly.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS
0:00:58 > 0:01:03Outside an office in Brussels, one EU delegate gets round the rules
0:01:03 > 0:01:06that say you're not allowed to smoke within five metres of the building.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Footage from David Dimbleby's iPhone reveals the exact moment
0:01:16 > 0:01:19he resolved never to host Question Time in Glasgow again.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30And while she's away at an EU summit,
0:01:30 > 0:01:34a helpful neighbour attempts to keep Angela Merkel's cat amused.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37BED DEFLATES NOISILY
0:01:46 > 0:01:48On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
0:01:48 > 0:01:51who gave his stand-up show the name Lawnmower.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53It got great reviews,
0:01:53 > 0:01:55and he's kept all the clippings.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Please welcome James Acaster.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:03 > 0:02:06And with Paul tonight is probably Britain's best-known rambler,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08but what a lot of people don't know
0:02:08 > 0:02:10is that she also likes to go on long walks.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Please welcome Janet Street-Porter.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:16 > 0:02:19And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Ian and James, take a look at this.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24That's the vote. Blatter, he's won.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Oh, police are here.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- Yeah! It's a victory dance. - Blending in.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31# We've got the money
0:02:31 > 0:02:33# We're in the money... #
0:02:33 > 0:02:36There he is, and he's about to trip over a huge bung!
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Fell off his wallet.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Well, this is the big news. There was an election, he won,
0:02:44 > 0:02:45saying he needed a fifth term,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48and then he decided four days was enough.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50And it was time to go again.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53This is the news that Sepp Blatter has been forced to resign
0:02:53 > 0:02:55by Gary Lineker, obviously.
0:02:57 > 0:03:02It was a bit of a U-turn from Sepp, as you said. He went from:
0:03:04 > 0:03:07..last Friday, to saying on Tuesday:
0:03:11 > 0:03:13In spite of his resignation,
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Sepp Blatter will stay in his job for at least six months.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20To be fair, he has got a lot of documents to shred.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21I don't think he'll ever go.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25He's got that kind of evil in him, where you'll never get rid of him.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26He's like Rasputin, or Clarkson.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30JANET: Chuck Blazer, the man that turned grass
0:03:30 > 0:03:34at the start of all this, made so much money -
0:03:34 > 0:03:37and I'm not saying how he got it, or what he did to get it...
0:03:37 > 0:03:41There was talk of him being used as an indoor arena at one of the games.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42LAUGHTER
0:03:42 > 0:03:45..that he had two apartments in the Trump Towers
0:03:45 > 0:03:48and one was for his dogs.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50- Now who's looking after those dogs? - Cats!
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- Was it cats?- Cats and a parrot.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53- Cats and a parrot? - Cats and a parrot.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55You've followed this very closely.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58I'm just interested in cats and parrots.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Right, so his cats and parrots, who's looking after them now?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Oh, I don't know. I think the parrot is nominally in charge,
0:04:04 > 0:04:05because he can....
0:04:05 > 0:04:08He can order takeaways and things like that.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Chuck Blazer has given evidence,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15and now Jack Warner has said he's going to turn supergrass as well.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- Mmm.- So I think, they arrested them, and they said,
0:04:18 > 0:04:20"Well, we're going to pull everyone down with us."
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Yup. Interpol have put out a formal arrest warrant
0:04:23 > 0:04:26for former Fifa vice-president Jack Warner.
0:04:26 > 0:04:31Did you hear how he defended himself to journalists recently? He said:
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Good point, good point.
0:04:41 > 0:04:46You can't have a World Cup story without Pele. He said:
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Cheers for that, mate.
0:04:51 > 0:04:56Fifa made 2.35 billion from the South Africa World Cup
0:04:56 > 0:05:00while South Africa were 4.9 billion out of pocket.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04So why does everyone want to stage the World Cup if it costs that much?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- What's going on? - If you have a house party...
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Like, if you're the one hosting the house party,
0:05:10 > 0:05:12you have the worst time out of anyone.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Your house gets destroyed, people break stuff and puke everywhere,
0:05:15 > 0:05:18and you get in trouble by your parents the next day.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20- But everyone thinks you're cool.- Yep.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23LAUGHTER
0:05:23 > 0:05:26So that's pretty much why people want to host the World Cup.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29At the UN, everyone else is going...
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- "That guy!"- And in fairness, it was a great party, James.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37I'm sorry the damage was done, but you know...
0:05:37 > 0:05:41There'll be a new presidential election in December.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Who do you think will get that, Ian?
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Probably Ed Miliband.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48Janet, who do you think should take over? There's your mate Greg Dyke.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49Yeah, I saw him last night,
0:05:49 > 0:05:53- and obviously he's shaping himself up for the job.- Is he?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Well, I would say so. He's a very ambitious man.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- He could do to Fifa what he did to LWT.- Exactly.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02Sack loads of people and trouser the profit when it gets sold off.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Do you remember the case of Greg Dyke
0:06:07 > 0:06:11and the expensive watch gift in Brazil 2014, anyone remember that?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Yes - he accepted the watch without realising how much it was worth,
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- and was it worth £16,000, was it? - Spot on.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19It was a Parmigiani watch.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- That sounds like cheese. - It does, doesn't it?
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Those cheese watches are notoriously expensive these days.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27But they are Swiss-made, though, so...
0:06:27 > 0:06:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:29 > 0:06:31When he found out how much it was worth,
0:06:31 > 0:06:35he said he would sell it off and give the money to charity.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Most of the tiny countries and principalities in the world
0:06:38 > 0:06:41have Fifa membership, as you know, and a vote.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45Shall we play a quick game of "Name me a sovereign state
0:06:45 > 0:06:48"without a Fifa vote"? Anyone know any of those?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50- BELL - Yes, Ian?- Liechtenstein.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- No, they're fine!- Yeah, they are! - They're in the clear.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55- BELL - Yes, James.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Legoland.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02James, this is too difficult for you.
0:07:03 > 0:07:08Um, Kiribati, Nauru, Tuvalu, Palau...
0:07:08 > 0:07:11These aren't the players, by the way, they're countries.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15- The Vatican, of course. - So not so powerful, then.
0:07:17 > 0:07:22This is the end of Sepp Blatter, thanks to the FBI.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Finally a US intervention we can all get behind.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Though if history has taught us anything,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29it'll all go belly-up and the 2026 World Cup
0:07:29 > 0:07:32will be hosted by Islamic State.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Meanwhile, this weekend the Women's World Cup kicks off in Canada,
0:07:37 > 0:07:40despite question marks over the bidding process,
0:07:40 > 0:07:42with countries around the world accused of paying
0:07:42 > 0:07:45millions of dollars in bribes to make Canada have to do it.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52- OK. Paul and Janet, take a look at this.- OK.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57Oh, talented dogs. There's one being shot by an air rifle.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01This is before the invention of women - you had to dance with a dog.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Britain's Got Talent, just to help us out, there.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07This is about the dog that won and wowed the contest,
0:08:07 > 0:08:09but was actually two dogs.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11They didn't know about this at the time.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13- They had a stunt double. - Stunt double.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16And they look exactly the same, so they fooled millions of viewers.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20Well, if one was a poodle, one was a Labrador, it would kind of...
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Wasn't it funny that the dog that won -
0:08:22 > 0:08:24the stunt dog -
0:08:24 > 0:08:26had to stand in for the real dog, Matisse,
0:08:26 > 0:08:29because we're told that Matisse is frightened of heights?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31That was it, yes.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Well, that's the act, though, isn't it?
0:08:33 > 0:08:34Have we got footage of it?
0:08:34 > 0:08:35Yes, in case people haven't seen it.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Matisse can hold things in his mouth... (or her mouth.)
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Is he being kettled?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51All very spectacular stuff, I'm sure you'll agree.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54He's been arrested, he's being thrown in jail.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55GLASS SHATTERS
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Now comes the difficult bit, the tightrope walk.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Matisse disappears through the door and then appears,
0:09:02 > 0:09:04reappears as another dog entirely.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Who looks absolutely terrified.
0:09:07 > 0:09:08There it is.
0:09:08 > 0:09:09That won?!
0:09:09 > 0:09:11LAUGHTER
0:09:11 > 0:09:14What was everybody else doing? Watching coffin lids warp?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16I mean, what was that?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19But she's still keeping the money, isn't she?
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Yeah, I believe so.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Well, she's got two dogs to feed, hasn't she?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25A dog's won it before, hasn't it?
0:09:25 > 0:09:26A dog has won it before, yeah.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Are they checking up who's voting?
0:09:28 > 0:09:31A lot of these votes are coming from Battersea Dogs Home.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Are you allowed to vote often?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36You addressed that at me as if I vote.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Well, no, I'm just generally throwing it out.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Is it like Tower Hamlets, you can just keep voting...?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45What does Simon Cowell say about this?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48As you know, Simon Cowell owns the production company that made it.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50He's stepped up to the plate, taken full responsibility.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51He's said...
0:09:54 > 0:09:57What made the scandal even more confusing than it should have been?
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Why call a dog Matisse anyway?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Can I just be a bit picky about this?
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Isn't Matisse the name of an internationally famous artist?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Are you saying Matisse was a great artist?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Actually, somebody else did the painting for him.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11- Oh, yeah, they're double. - Yeah, double.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Is one of the human acts allowed to say,
0:10:13 > 0:10:15"I'd like to play the guitar, but as I'm not very good at it
0:10:15 > 0:10:17"my friend's going to do it."
0:10:17 > 0:10:21That's, kind of, been Ant and Dec's thing for ages, though.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24What made it worse was there was a third dog
0:10:24 > 0:10:28introduced to it at the end - Skippy the three-legged collie.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Yeah, he'd lost a leg falling off the bloody ladder up there.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33He ignored the sausages.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Maybe the sausages are made out of his missing leg.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42"What have you done? What have you done?!"
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Did the Britain's Got Talent fans take it in their stride?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47I should think they'd be extremely annoyed,
0:10:47 > 0:10:49cos they were asked to vote for an act
0:10:49 > 0:10:50that turned out to be duplicitous.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53It's nice to finally see the viewers of Britain's Got Talent
0:10:53 > 0:10:55offended by its output.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59One of the fans tweeted...
0:11:05 > 0:11:08The idea that the highlight of your whole bloody week
0:11:08 > 0:11:12is sitting at home punching numbers for a three-legged dog...
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Listen, it's how I like to spend the evening, all right?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Yeah, this is the extraordinary news
0:11:18 > 0:11:21that some of Britain's Got Talent is contrived.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Simon Cowell admitted that the whole incident was...
0:11:28 > 0:11:31At which point, David Walliams added his thoughts.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32"Ooooh!"
0:11:35 > 0:11:37LAUGHTER
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Also this week, scientists are suggesting that chimpanzees
0:11:40 > 0:11:42have the mental capabilities needed to cook food,
0:11:42 > 0:11:46leading them to prepare such things as baked potatoes,
0:11:46 > 0:11:48and that's where the culinary expression
0:11:48 > 0:11:50"Oooh-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah" comes from.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56So to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04JANET: Isn't it the first Cabinet meeting?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06JAMES: Pay rise. JANET: Yes.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08David Cameron doesn't want them to take it.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10It's exactly that. Several have criticised the raise,
0:12:10 > 0:12:13including Labour MP John Mann, who said...
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Even David Cameron has weighed into the debate,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20describing the extra money as...
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Correct. So, it is going to go ahead.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Ipsa have defended their decision to award MPs a rise,
0:12:27 > 0:12:30saying "It won't cost the taxpayer a penny more."
0:12:30 > 0:12:33No, it's millions more, I would imagine.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36That's not my issue with it.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38- Mm-hm. - If it's going to cost me more.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41I don't want them to get pay rises, because I don't like politicians.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42I don't want them to be happy.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Same reason I don't want them listening to good music
0:12:44 > 0:12:45or falling in love.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- You want them just to suffer?- Yeah.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50What have they done to you?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53I'm not mature enough to have a fully-rounded opinion,
0:12:53 > 0:12:54that's all I've decided so far.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00I think the votes should probably go up to about 35.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06Ian, how is David Cameron's ex-press secretary getting on?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Andy Coulson. He was cleared of perjury,
0:13:09 > 0:13:10but not lying.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13LAUGHTER
0:13:13 > 0:13:16He did do the lying.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17That is true.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21But technically, you see, if you lie and it's not important to the case,
0:13:21 > 0:13:26it's not perjury, but it is lying, which is what Andy Coulson did.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28But, you know, he did lie.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33This week, This Morning managed to secure
0:13:33 > 0:13:34an interview with the Prime Minister.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Do you know what they discussed?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38JANET GASPS Sam Cam's beach body.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Yeah, they did.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42How did he feel about Sam Cam's body,
0:13:42 > 0:13:44and what about his own fitness regime.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45And what did he say?
0:13:45 > 0:13:49"My wife is fit", and then he high-fived Eamonn Holmes.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- On the subject of holidays, though. - Yes.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56There was a cover to one of the all-time classic holiday novels,
0:13:56 > 0:13:59it's been altered in what way, do you know?
0:13:59 > 0:14:00That's Jilly Cooper's Riders.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Indeed, yeah, absolutely.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03The hand's been moved.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Why, do you know?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Well, in the original version,
0:14:06 > 0:14:11the man's hand was millimetres from her...
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- Well, I can't say it. - Well, there it is.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16There's the picture. We can see now.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- Yeah. - One commentator pointed out that...
0:14:25 > 0:14:27LAUGHTER
0:14:29 > 0:14:33What a lovely romantic thought that is.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34LAUGHTER
0:14:37 > 0:14:40But, in the modern politically correct one,
0:14:40 > 0:14:42his hand has gone up there.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45And his hand has become very, very small.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Either that or her arse has got bigger.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:54 > 0:14:59This is the heart-warming news that MPs are to get a 10% pay rise.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02One Tory MP dismissed the suggestion that voters might prefer it
0:15:02 > 0:15:04if they rejected the pay rise,
0:15:04 > 0:15:06saying that turning it down would be...
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Whereas taking the seven grand is simply a gesture.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Also this week, Ed Miliband was back in the House of Commons
0:15:18 > 0:15:20after his break in Ibiza.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Whilst he was out there, he joined a foam party -
0:15:23 > 0:15:26and led them to a crushing electoral defeat.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here we go.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36BUZZER
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Is it next year's winner of Britain's Got Talent?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46I can only see one pig, though. The other one's probably driving.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50A pig was causing trouble, and the police had to get involved.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52That's all I remember.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Um... You know, but I could be lying,
0:15:55 > 0:15:58and just piecing that together from the photo.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Well, the pig has clearly been arrested.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02- Yes.- The pig was arrested for trespass.- Yeah.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03The pig's called Daisy.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05It was arrested in the US this week.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- It was lucky she wasn't shot!- Yeah!
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- But obviously it's a white pig, so...- Oh.- You know.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13APPLAUSE
0:16:16 > 0:16:19No, Daisy's crime was that she had...
0:16:24 > 0:16:26And the neighbour was apparently so terrified of Daisy
0:16:26 > 0:16:28that she called the police. And the...
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Is that a euphemism for "gnome"?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Could well be. I don't know if they have gnomes in America, do they?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- I dunno.- Apart from George Bush.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Daisy was put in the back of a police car
0:16:44 > 0:16:46to keep her out of trouble. But then what did she do?
0:16:46 > 0:16:51She made the car unfit for human habitation.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- That's very delicately put, and you're right.- Yes.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Yes, she did.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57She defecated in the back of the police car
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- and didn't seem that bothered.- No.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Just "attitude" written all over her face.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- JAMES: Look at that pig's face. - Yeah, God.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17It's probably like - we've been killing and eating her ancestors
0:17:17 > 0:17:21for years, and she's looking out the window going, "One-all."
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Yeah. God.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Meanwhile, what's this hedgehog in Holland been up to?
0:17:28 > 0:17:32Mistaken for a lawn ornament and distracted a pig.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- He got drunk. He got drunk.- Yeah.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37And, according to the Mirror...
0:17:42 > 0:17:45It's the first recorded instance of Warninks,
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Holland's leading egg-based liqueur, being drunk by a hedgehog.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Or by anyone.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53I'd have loved to have seen that hedgehog buying that.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Going into the offie. "Advocaat, please."
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Standing on the top of 20 other hedgehogs in a long coat.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07"I left my ID at home.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08"Whoa!"
0:18:09 > 0:18:11"We don't live that old."
0:18:16 > 0:18:18How does a hedgehog let you know that it's hungover?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Doesn't turn up for work?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25According to rescuer...
0:18:32 > 0:18:36This is the rowdy pig who was arrested in America
0:18:36 > 0:18:39and defecated all over the back of a police car.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43According to the Mirror, the pig left them an unwanted gift by...
0:18:46 > 0:18:47And then, to make matters worse,
0:18:47 > 0:18:49it went "wee wee wee" all the way home.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- Ah, well. - APPLAUSE
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Well, time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57Julie Andrews...
0:18:57 > 0:18:59- Frank Ifield...- Yeah.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Roman Emperor Julian...
0:19:00 > 0:19:02and Sepp Blatter.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Right. Er, Roman Emperor Julian I know nothing about.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Frank Ifield had a couple of hits in the early '60s.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- He was a yodeller, wasn't he? I Remember You.- Mm.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Erm... Oh, yodelling - well, of course, he yodelled,
0:19:12 > 0:19:15- and so she must have yodelled... - And he's Swiss, Sepp Blatter.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17And Emperor Julian didn't like yodelling.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20"If anyone yodels round here, they'll have me to speak to."
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- You're actually spot on, there, Paul.- Yeah. That's what he said.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24APPLAUSE
0:19:25 > 0:19:29The answer is that they are all able to yodel,
0:19:29 > 0:19:31apart from Roman Emperor Julian,
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- who complained about yodelling in the fourth century.- Yeah.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35He didn't like it.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Yeah, among Sepp Blatter's many former occupations
0:19:39 > 0:19:43was a stint as a wedding singer performing goatherd ballads.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Are there any recordings of Blatter?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Blatter yodelling? I wish there were.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52- I...- I'm sure they'll surface over the coming weeks.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Yes. As the Americans interview him.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58STRANGLED YODEL
0:19:58 > 0:20:00"Where's the money?"
0:20:00 > 0:20:01STRANGLED YODEL
0:20:02 > 0:20:04And Julie Andrews famously yodels
0:20:04 > 0:20:08in the song The Lonely Goatherd in The Sound Of Music.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12- Mm.- Frank Ifield was, of course, one of Britain's most famous yodellers,
0:20:12 > 0:20:16who had a breakthrough hit with She Taught Me How to Yodel.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17- Mm.- And here he is.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20HE YODELS
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Everybody yodel!
0:20:24 > 0:20:27ONLY HE YODELS
0:20:27 > 0:20:29LAUGHTER
0:20:29 > 0:20:30They're not looking very happy.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- That's Britain in the 1960s. - Yeah.- Yeah.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36"You're not getting us yodelling here, I'll tell you that much now."
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Frank Ifield yodelling, there.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42- Very few people can do that, of course.- Yeah.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Thank God.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46And Roman Emperor Julian
0:20:46 > 0:20:49is believed to have complained about yodellers in the fourth century.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51He said, according to the Guardian...
0:20:51 > 0:20:54I didn't know he gave an interview to the Guardian,
0:20:54 > 0:20:57obviously it's an older paper than I had thought.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58But he said he didn't like the...
0:21:02 > 0:21:04- Oh!- That's what he said.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07And yodelling is frowned upon in Russia -
0:21:07 > 0:21:10as it should be throughout the world, really.
0:21:10 > 0:21:16But here's Russia's Eduard Khil, otherwise known as The Trololo Man,
0:21:16 > 0:21:20in 1976 - pushing back the boundaries. Here he is.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23# La, la, la, la, la
0:21:23 > 0:21:26# La, la, la, la
0:21:26 > 0:21:31# La, la, la, la, la, la
0:21:31 > 0:21:34# La, la, la, la, la, la, la
0:21:34 > 0:21:36# La, la, la, la, la
0:21:36 > 0:21:38# La, la, la, la, la, la, la
0:21:38 > 0:21:40# La, la, la, la, la. #
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- Fantastic stuff. - APPLAUSE
0:21:48 > 0:21:52They are all able to yodel, apart from Roman Emperor Julian
0:21:52 > 0:21:55who complained about yodelling in the fourth century.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57According to the Daily Mirror,
0:21:57 > 0:22:01every year Sepp Blatter returns to his Alpine hometown of Visp, and...
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Just to make sure she's still spinning in it.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Yodelling isn't the only thing
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Julie Andrews has in common with Sepp Blatter,
0:22:12 > 0:22:14as brown paper packages tied up with string
0:22:14 > 0:22:18are also a few of his favourite things.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20APPLAUSE
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Time now for the Missing Words round,
0:22:24 > 0:22:27which this week features as its guest publication...
0:22:29 > 0:22:30We start with...
0:22:35 > 0:22:38JAMES: Man with the name Rex ironically arrested for dogging?
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Not that. No, not that.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Man with the name Speed ironically arrested for loitering?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- Not that either.- Not that either? - I'll give you a clue.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- Bacon is the first one, man with the name Bacon.- JAMES: For streaking?
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Streaking would have been excellent. That's very good.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Is it impersonating William Shakespeare?
0:22:59 > 0:23:01No.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- Stealing a pig?- Not stealing a pig.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08- Kissing a pig?- No. - Getting a pig into trouble?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- Now I'm going to give you the answer to stop you doing that.- OK.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22This is Thomas Bacon who was arrested in New Jersey this week
0:23:22 > 0:23:24for getting into a fight with another man over
0:23:24 > 0:23:26the last piece of breakfast sausage.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29It's not unknown in this country for people to fight over breakfast,
0:23:29 > 0:23:32but to be fair, Wetherspoons serves booze from 7am.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Next up...
0:23:39 > 0:23:41His beach bod?
0:23:41 > 0:23:45- No.- JANET: I know, it's his new hairstyle.- No, you're close.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- No, no, no. Hat.- Beard and moustache.- Trilby hat.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56This week Kim Jong-un has been photographed
0:23:56 > 0:24:00in destinations all over North Korea in a new trilby hat. Here he is.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07He wants to promote North Korea as a holiday destination.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10So why not take your family out there
0:24:10 > 0:24:12and see the places where he took his family out?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Next...
0:24:20 > 0:24:24JAMES: Children? JANET: It's their grave.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25It was their grave, you're right.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28This is a woman in Sutton who was caught forging
0:24:28 > 0:24:32her ex-husband's signature to sell off his half of a joint grave.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36And when the husband heard what had happened, he totally lost the plot.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37Sorry, sorry.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39APPLAUSE
0:24:42 > 0:24:43Next...
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- JANET: It's to do with yawning. - It is, Janet. Blimey.- They yawn.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50Yeah, yeah.
0:24:50 > 0:24:55We yawn, they yawn. I grew up with a bloody budgie, no wonder I'm weird.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59My mother was Welsh, my auntie was Welsh...
0:24:59 > 0:25:00LAUGHTER
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- I'll get to it in a minute. - What nationality was the budgie?
0:25:03 > 0:25:06- Welsh!- Welsh.- I am the only person who grew up in Fulham,
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- down the road from your family. - Down the road from my family.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13Yeah, down the road from you, and I had the Welsh half of the house.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Mum, Auntie Vi, and a budgie,
0:25:15 > 0:25:17all talking Welsh.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20So in your early life, you found it impossible to get a word in?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25APPLAUSE
0:25:27 > 0:25:29- Ha-ha.- Ha-ha.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Very good, Ian.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Scientists discover budgies have yawns that are contagious.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40If you've got a budgie at home and it seems to be yawning a lot,
0:25:40 > 0:25:42here's one little tip to keep it awake,
0:25:42 > 0:25:43Get a cat.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47And finally...
0:25:53 > 0:25:57One man's quest to keep Plymouth club members enthralled
0:25:57 > 0:26:00kept Plymouth club members enthralled at their May meeting?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04- Not that.- Should have been, though. - Should have been.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07It's...
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Themed collections are popular in the postcard world.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22I, for example, have an extensive collection of postcards
0:26:22 > 0:26:24taken over the years from phone boxes
0:26:24 > 0:26:27based around the theme of East European sex workers.
0:26:27 > 0:26:32So, the final scores are Ian and James have five
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- and Janet and Paul have ten.- No!
0:26:35 > 0:26:36APPLAUSE
0:26:38 > 0:26:42Of course, the scores have always been hotly contested on this show.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Here's a friend of the show who always had the right attitude,
0:26:46 > 0:26:47even when he hadn't won.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Could I just point out, however,
0:26:49 > 0:26:52that I don't think the scoreline tells the whole story.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54There is a distinct shift,
0:26:54 > 0:26:57a swing that we're finding towards the end of the campaign.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58I'm sure these headline figures
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- are concealing what's really going on.- You're right.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04This is the sort of position we would have liked to have
0:27:04 > 0:27:06- been in at this stage.- That's right.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09And it's a firm base on which to build for the future.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Second.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15We'd have been very happy with second.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Do you think all bankers should be locked up, Charles?
0:27:19 > 0:27:21It's a bit stupid for David Cameron to suggest this.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24He hasn't got anywhere to put them for a start, and probably
0:27:24 > 0:27:27most of them were voting Tory in the first place, weren't they, Jeremy?
0:27:27 > 0:27:29I don't know. I can't understand Scottish.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31AUDIENCE OOHS
0:27:31 > 0:27:35- I can't! Most of them were voting what?- Tory.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Toly? Nope, don't understand.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Don't worry, Jeremy. Most people watching this in Scotland
0:27:42 > 0:27:44can't understand voting Tory either.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48APPLAUSE
0:27:50 > 0:27:54And I leave you with news that after rowing for thousands of miles
0:27:54 > 0:27:55to escape his war-torn homeland,
0:27:55 > 0:27:59a refugee is told he's landed on a beach in Sunderland.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06There are concerns that product placement
0:28:06 > 0:28:08could ruin the new Star Wars film
0:28:08 > 0:28:11as the production company sign an exclusive deal with Timotei.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20And after a BBC journalist tweets the news that the Queen has died,
0:28:20 > 0:28:22not everyone realises it's a mistake.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Goodnight.
0:28:28 > 0:28:29APPLAUSE