0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:23 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:41- Good evening and...- Welcome...- To... - Have I...- Got...- News...- For You.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- I'm Daniel Radcliffe. - I'm Kathy Burke.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46- I'm Gary Lineker. - I'm Michael Sheen.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48I'm Victoria Coren-Mitchell. In the news this week...
0:00:48 > 0:00:51After an all-night campaign meeting in The Dog And Duck,
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Nigel Farage wakes up and tells his PA to cancel all of his meetings.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03In the Bake-Off final, one of the competitors wrecks her chances
0:01:03 > 0:01:07with her attempt to render Mary Berry's face in chocolate meringue.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16In Brighton, Labour's Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell are relieved
0:01:16 > 0:01:20to get out of the conference centre without making any more blunders.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50And in Folkestone, there's news that the Tories are testing out
0:01:50 > 0:01:53a scheme to stop illegal immigration.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- Help me bring it in. - RUNNING FOOTSTEPS
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- Trying to get out the country. - Ed Miliband looking chilled out.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06And it's the winner.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09It was quite exciting, because everyone said it was unpredictable,
0:02:09 > 0:02:11meaning they'd got it wrong.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16So we had this exit poll, and then everyone spent
0:02:16 > 0:02:18the rest of the evening going, "Well, if this poll is right...
0:02:18 > 0:02:21"Oh, God, it is right."
0:02:21 > 0:02:24However, Ed Balls was remaining optimistic.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27There's been a story going the rounds on Twitter
0:02:27 > 0:02:30and all the rest of it that you've been defeated.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33David, the ballot boxes haven't even arrived in the count.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37And they've got to be counted, and then we'll get the result, so...
0:02:37 > 0:02:40I think maybe you should spend less time on Twitter
0:02:40 > 0:02:43and more time reporting the results when they're actually declared.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- AUDIENCE:- Ooh! - Shall we see how it panned out for him?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Ed Balls lost his seat to the Conservatives.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Is David Dimbleby going to call him back and say,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54"Have they been counted now, Ed? Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
0:02:58 > 0:03:01The notes Ed Miliband left in his room during the leadership debate.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Do you want to expand on what they said?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Do not leave these notes in my dressing room.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11- Any other notes that you remember him leaving himself?- Look at the camera.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15And above all else, keep referring everything to you at home
0:03:15 > 0:03:18and the decision you, the people, are going to have to make,
0:03:18 > 0:03:19in four weeks' time.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31According to the Daily Mail, the debate saw SNP leader
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Nicola Sturgeon transform herself into a...
0:03:34 > 0:03:36That's one of my favourite spells.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43David Cameron gave an interview to Heat magazine.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45- Ah, the tough ones first!- Yes.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48David Cameron's in heat.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51He does some very, very good acting in the video
0:03:51 > 0:03:54which is worth watching, because obviously, they're tough questions
0:03:54 > 0:03:57but he needs to show that they're tough. So...
0:03:57 > 0:03:59SPY THRILLER-TYPE MUSIC
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- Which football team does David Cameron support?- Aston Villa.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20He doesn't really know, does he?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22He claimed to be an Aston Villa supporter,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25but then he said this in the speech.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Where you can support Man United, the Windies
0:04:27 > 0:04:29and Team GB all at the same time.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Of course, I'd rather you supported West Ham. Uh...
0:04:33 > 0:04:34ALEXANDER GIGGLES
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Most football fans forget who they're supporting,
0:04:41 > 0:04:44in moments of stress.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Liverpool fans are often claiming to be fans of Manchester United
0:04:47 > 0:04:49when they're very tired.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51He gave another explanation as well to Lorraine.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55He told her he'd said West Ham by mistake because...
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Which of us hasn't done that?
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Let's play a game of...
0:05:09 > 0:05:11OK, who's this?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13- That's...- Clegg.- No, it's Osborne.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Clegg's in the body bag, to be honest.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23What are they on about, diddly dee, diddly dee!
0:05:26 > 0:05:28BELL Ian and Alun?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- That's got to be Farage. - Is that a Ukip thing?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32They're going to be in Dover.
0:05:37 > 0:05:42No, that is a Conservative promise about research centres for robotics.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43- I stand corrected.- Yeah.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Let's just meet a Ukip voter from Essex.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48My buttocks are smooth, my mind is clear, vote Ukip.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- Who said this? All are recent quotes.- OK.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Fingers on buzzers. Who said this?
0:06:02 > 0:06:03"The mansion tax would fuck me over."
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- BELL - Duke of Edinburgh.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15It was Cheryl Fernandez-Versini.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Why does her shadow belong to somebody else?
0:06:19 > 0:06:22It's clearly the shadow of a thickset man in his 50s.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26This is the results of election night.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30One SNP gain from Labour saw Britain's youngest MP
0:06:30 > 0:06:35for over 300 years win the seat of Paisley and Renfrewshire.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36Or, as the BBC called it...
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Volkswagen, the people's car.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48They've been cheating emissions with a special bit of software.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50When the car knows it's under testing conditions,
0:06:50 > 0:06:52it doesn't give the right information.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55And Volkswagen, nobody knew about this at the top, just one bloke,
0:06:55 > 0:06:59with a screwdriver, just did it without anybody else knowing.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03He feels ashamed that he's managed to do this in over 50 million cars.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06I don't think that Volkswagen's case was particularly helped
0:07:06 > 0:07:10by the fact that the deputy CEO was called Olaf Lies...
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- He was.- ..or something.- He is.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- He was the only one telling the truth.- Yeah!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18We all lie about our emissions though, don't we?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23I think it's one of those questions you need to know about cars
0:07:23 > 0:07:24to deal with, we need an expert.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Jeremy, have you got Chris Evans' phone number?
0:07:27 > 0:07:28- AUDIENCE:- Ohhh!
0:07:32 > 0:07:33Go on, Jeremy, punch him!
0:07:36 > 0:07:37You can have a go, if you want!
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Hello, he's rolling up his sleeves, he's rolling up his sleeves!
0:07:44 > 0:07:47The pie's here, the pie's here! Chips, give us chips, quick!
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Sprouts, sprouts, eat it, eat it, eat it!
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Good, cleared up.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02This is the Volkswagen fiasco, not the name of their latest hatchback,
0:08:02 > 0:08:07but the ongoing scandal over diesel emissions.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09As prosecutors launched a criminal investigation
0:08:09 > 0:08:11into the emission scandal,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14it's believed that one of the scientists involved there
0:08:14 > 0:08:16has killed himself in his garage.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19He didn't mean to, he was just parking his car.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25That's the vote. Blatter, he's won.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27# We've got the money... #
0:08:28 > 0:08:31There he is, he's about to trip over a huge bung!
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Fell off his wallet.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39- I had no idea Fifa had anything to do with football.- It doesn't.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43I thought it was just a vast money-laundering operation.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50What happened at the end of Sepp's press conference?
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Did he just hand out brown envelopes and say, "You know what I mean"?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- Did you hear his defence?- No. - Which was along the lines of...
0:09:03 > 0:09:05You know, the Rebekah Brooks excuse.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10It's a triumph for the American justice system.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I notice we did nothing at all.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14They don't muck about, the Americans.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16If someone's found guilty of corporate fraud,
0:09:16 > 0:09:18you know, they get jailed.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Whereas over here, they instantly get Alzheimer's.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Do we know where the arrests were made?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32It was in the Hotel Splendee-di-do Backhand-o.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37You can't have a World Cup story without Pele. He said...
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Cheers for that, mate.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45Meanwhile, this weekend, the women's World Cup kicks off in Canada.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Despite question marks over the bidding process,
0:09:48 > 0:09:52with countries around the world accused of paying millions of dollars
0:09:52 > 0:09:54in bribes to make Canada have to do it.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Oh, George Osborne... running away from reality.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- From headstone to headstone. - So, where's Ed gone?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Has he tied that stone with all the pledges round his neck
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- and jumped off a ferry? - Ibiza?
0:10:10 > 0:10:13SHE BEATBOXES DANCE MUSIC
0:10:13 > 0:10:16The good thing about Ibiza is that there is just one place where
0:10:16 > 0:10:18all the partygoers go. There's just one tiny town.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- So, Ibiza's a beautiful island. - Right.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23And you can avoid them because they're just there.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Has it got some agreeable ruins and a church one can wander around?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- Yes! - LAUGHTER
0:10:29 > 0:10:33It would remind you very much of the Private Eye offices.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- I really must give it a go! - It's got that mountain...
0:10:39 > 0:10:41HE BEATBOXES
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Oh, do that again!
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- Do that again! - What about Chuka Umunna?- Yeah.
0:10:46 > 0:10:51- Did you see HOW he threw his hat into the ring?- He went to Swindon.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54He sort of had the air of, you know,
0:10:54 > 0:10:56a candidate on The Apprentice that goes out in the third week.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- Erm... - LAUGHTER
0:10:58 > 0:11:00You're right. He announced his leadership bid in what
0:11:00 > 0:11:03looked like a sort of teenage home-made video on the internet.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06So, I'm pleased today to be announcing that
0:11:06 > 0:11:09I will be standing for the leadership of the party.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Sorry?
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- What's gone wrong? What did I do wrong?- No, nothing.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- No, they're admitting it. It's made up.- What, today?
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Erm, well, extraordinarily, erm, over the last five minutes,
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Chukka has actually withdrawn his candidacy for the Labour leadership!
0:11:24 > 0:11:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:31 > 0:11:35This has got to be the most powerful programme on television!
0:11:37 > 0:11:39We haven't even gone out!
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Now, did you see some of the ingenious attempts to spoil
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- the ballot paper last week?- No.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50One voter in Montgomeryshire tried to make a protest against standing
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Tory MP, Glyn Davies, who said...
0:12:06 > 0:12:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:13 > 0:12:16I wonder what this is. Jeremy Corbyn...
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Happy front bench! And that was the last speech.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23OK, so there was a meeting of the Parliamentary Labour Party
0:12:23 > 0:12:26on Monday night, which the Telegraph described as "heated".
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- Why was that? - It's getting cold...
0:12:28 > 0:12:31and as October comes, it clouds over...
0:12:31 > 0:12:36Do you ever feel that maybe this is all your fault?
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Honestly, that Bake Off image has gone for good!
0:12:46 > 0:12:48But that would only be the case
0:12:48 > 0:12:52if you had nominated Jeremy Corbyn for the leadership contest.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56- You didn't, did you? - I did. And I think...
0:12:56 > 0:12:59And look, I mean, you know, I think it's early days yet.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03- It is early days.- But you didn't vote for him, though, did you?- No.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Claiming the party was open to new ideas,
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Corbyn said he wanted to give people...
0:13:15 > 0:13:19An odd line but it once worked a treat on Diane Abbot.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27What startling revelations did The Sun uncover about Jeremy Corbyn this week?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30What other stunning revelations?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Well, The Sun tracked down Jeremy Corbyn's wife's niece,
0:13:33 > 0:13:36who lived with him until recently, who disclosed that he enjoys...
0:13:45 > 0:13:47What a bastard!
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Tax credits, the House of Lords throughout the Tax Credits Bill.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01It's a triumph for the forces of non-democracy.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Who was particularly red in the face about it?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07I'm trying to think who was red in the face...
0:14:07 > 0:14:08apart from George Osborne,
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- but he doesn't because he hasn't got any blood.- Yeah.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18- Has this damaged George, do you think?- Yes.- Fatally?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21One can only hope.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26According to The Times...
0:14:30 > 0:14:34- He doesn't want to be SEEN to be doing it.- He draws the blinds.
0:14:37 > 0:14:42Several of the papers identified one clear super villain in all this.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44- Who was that? - Andrew Lloyd Webber.- Yes!
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Mega-rich musical gargoyle, Andrew Lloyd Webber...
0:14:50 > 0:14:51Musical gargoyle!
0:14:51 > 0:14:55He flew in from New York to vote for tax credit cuts.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58It was his first vote in over two years
0:14:58 > 0:15:01but he did deny he had flown back specifically for the vote.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Does anyone know why he says he was in town?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07He was here for an opening of one of his productions somewhere.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09A new musical called "Cuts".
0:15:15 > 0:15:19Yes, he did say he was in town to watch the revival of Cats, the musical.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23But surely he's seen that already. Erm...
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Or maybe he's just got a bad # Me-e-e-mory! #
0:15:33 > 0:15:37Ah, yes, this is the President of China, who has come to visit London.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Tell me about this Communism, how does it work?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Who's asking who?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47President Xi, is it, I think?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Or Eleven, if you're talking about Roman numerals.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55The whole exercise was just one long sucking up to the Chinese
0:15:55 > 0:15:58and not mentioning anything that could embarrass anyone.
0:15:58 > 0:15:59I think they're all right.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02They already own Pizza Express and they haven't touched dough balls.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09What's the other terrible thing about President Xi
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- that the Mirror discovered? - Were his trousers too long?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14His trousers are touching the carpet.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Wei Too Long...
0:16:22 > 0:16:24It's coming...
0:16:24 > 0:16:28..is the name of his tailor.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32All these new jobs that the Tory Party say that Chinese investment
0:16:32 > 0:16:37is going to produce, I mean, we lost nearly that many this week!
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- In the steel industry.- The government haven't done anything.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42I get the horrible feeling that David Cameron has watched The Full Monty.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45And he doesn't understand that that's not a viable
0:16:45 > 0:16:47option for everyone.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54- MIMICS CAMERON:- I watched an incredible documentary about the steel industry this week.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57The meal was served to musical accompaniment from...
0:17:00 > 0:17:04It was either them or the Duchess of Kent's Rhythm And Blues Explosion.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- That's France.- Soldiers... - That's their rapid reaction force.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16- There's our rapid reaction force. - LAUGHTER
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Yeah, this is Paris, and the tragedy there,
0:17:19 > 0:17:22and our attempts afterwards to work out what to do.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24It does strike me, it's one of the few things we're still allowed to do
0:17:24 > 0:17:28is, sort of, make jokes and laugh,
0:17:28 > 0:17:30so we might have a go at that.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Yes. What has been...? APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:17:36 > 0:17:38What has been the British Government's immediate response?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- Who have they hired? - Who have they hired?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43They've hired 2,000 something.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- Spies.- Oh, oh, SAS.- Spies.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- Oh, spies. Should we know that? - 1,900 extra.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55- Do you know what that will cost? - About £2 billion, I think.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56£2 billion for the SAS.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Another £2 billion for cyber security.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Where's this money suddenly come from?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02From the magnificent management of the economy
0:18:02 > 0:18:05that the government has done that means that we can afford
0:18:05 > 0:18:07the essential requirements of the safety of the nation.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10I knew there'd be some comedy tonight.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Wembley Stadium looked rather magnificent -
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- the tricolores up there.- Yep.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21The tricolore has been put on various things. Apple did that.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- The...- Oh, look, there's the bit where the tax should be.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29One man leading the hunt for the terrorists is
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Belgium's Interior Security Minister, Jan Jambon -
0:18:33 > 0:18:35showing defiance to Islamic State, even with his surname.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Shortly, we'll see Stoke versus Swansea,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45but first, to round two.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49The strengthometer of news. Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- BUZZER - There was an earthquake
0:18:53 > 0:18:55in the tip of Kent there. It didn't affect anybody.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Somebody fell out of bed in Sevenoaks,
0:18:57 > 0:18:59somebody banged their head in Tenterden,
0:18:59 > 0:19:01and a cat in Dover looked the wrong way for a minute,
0:19:01 > 0:19:04but other than that, nothing else happened.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- They're all right. - It went like that.- Yeah.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08One person tweeted this photo.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12That's very good.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14This is why we can't do those
0:19:14 > 0:19:16extreme weather programmes, isn't it?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18You know, you see those programmes on Channel 5, you know,
0:19:18 > 0:19:20- tornadoes tearing...- Yeah.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22..tearing houses apart in the Midwest.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26- Stiff breeze in the Cotswolds. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28On at 9pm, on 5.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Umbrella turned inside out!
0:19:32 > 0:19:36After one British quake in 2013, a witness said...
0:19:40 > 0:19:43How terrifying - imagine the effect on the property price.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52BUZZER Ian.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- This is a tortoise. - LAUGHTER
0:19:55 > 0:19:56- This is his owner.- Oh, yes.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59She left the gate open and he ran away,
0:19:59 > 0:20:03and she was distraught for ages, and then someone found the tortoise.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06I'm still struggling to see how this has made the news.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10- "Woman finds tortoise that was previously missing."- That's the...
0:20:10 > 0:20:13"God unavailable for comment."
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- It's a really first-rate story. - Yeah.- I just wish I'd run it.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Yes, this is absolutely true.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20It's Toby the tortoise from Dover,
0:20:20 > 0:20:23who has been reunited with his owner, Wendy Stokes,
0:20:23 > 0:20:25- after a year on the run.- Yeah.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27This is where the story gets really good.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31He managed to make it to Rio de Janeiro.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34A pair of dark glasses and a fake passport, so...
0:20:34 > 0:20:35How far did he get to?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Well, he got 400 yards from the front gate.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38400 yards!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40OK, that's just the beginning.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Some helpful soul picked him up and drove him to Margate.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48Toby's 109, so he was one of the younger residents in Margate.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50According to the Daily Mail,
0:20:50 > 0:20:52the tortoise was picked up by a driver on a nearby road
0:20:52 > 0:20:54and driven 22 miles away,
0:20:54 > 0:20:57leaving a scandalised hare to shout,
0:20:57 > 0:20:58"Oi, that's cheating."
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- BUZZER - Emoji.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09It is emoji.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12In which I happen to be fluent.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Oh! Laughing face, laughing face, crying face, poo?
0:21:16 > 0:21:21APPLAUSE
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Shall we have a look at some popular emojis?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Yes. Popular emojis?
0:21:26 > 0:21:30My own particular favourite - Ghost With Black Eye.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Cariad, you seem fluent.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33I am fluent, definitely.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35What is Ghost With Black Eye?
0:21:35 > 0:21:39It's just like, "Woo. Woo!"
0:21:42 > 0:21:45APPLAUSE
0:21:45 > 0:21:48But there's no accentuation on it.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51I can't tell whether it's woo, woo, or woo.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Well, when the emojis takeover, you're filling out your CV...
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Are they a race now?
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- Yes, they are. - Oh, my God, the emojis are coming.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00- Don't tell Ukip.- When the future...
0:22:00 > 0:22:03APPLAUSE
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- BUZZER - It's the Great British Bake Off,
0:22:09 > 0:22:11and the lady in the middle is the winner.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15It is the news that Nadiya Hussain has captured the nation's heart
0:22:15 > 0:22:17by winning the Great British Bake Off. Did anyone see it?
0:22:17 > 0:22:19No, I didn't, no. I'm not interested in it.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Oh!
0:22:21 > 0:22:22W-w-why not?
0:22:22 > 0:22:25I suppose it's the idea of people baking cakes
0:22:25 > 0:22:28that I'd find quite boring.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Erm...
0:22:30 > 0:22:33APPLAUSE
0:22:33 > 0:22:35How has Nadiya's achievement been received?
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Putin was ecstatic.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43This is the winner of the Great British Bake Off -
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Nadiya Hussain shrugged off racist abuse telling her
0:22:46 > 0:22:47to go back to where she came from,
0:22:47 > 0:22:50saying she's not going back to Luton for anyone.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57BUZZER Yes, Ian and Grayson?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59A 15-year-old from Northern Ireland
0:22:59 > 0:23:03is meant to have hacked into TalkTalk's computer
0:23:03 > 0:23:08and got all the people's personal details and put them on the web.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- Exactly.- The Daily Mail said he had a single mum.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- Oh...- Oh, well, he's definitely guilty, then.
0:23:13 > 0:23:14On behalf of all single mums,
0:23:14 > 0:23:16I'm just glad that our bastard children
0:23:16 > 0:23:19are finally participating in white-collar crimes.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- Who says there's no aspiration in the world any more?- No.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27It's fun, like, you have to worry about your son,
0:23:27 > 0:23:29and knock on his door. "What are you doing?
0:23:29 > 0:23:33"You'd better be wanking in there, not bringing down a corporation."
0:23:35 > 0:23:39The two activities aren't mutually exclusive.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45TalkTalk boss Dido Harding said they will handle compensation
0:23:45 > 0:23:49claims for their four million users on a case to case basis -
0:23:49 > 0:23:53bad news for loyal customer Zachariah Zimmerman.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Time now for the Missing Words Round, and we start with...
0:24:06 > 0:24:07Songs Of Praise.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11It was...
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Speaking of the link between television and highs,
0:24:15 > 0:24:17here is the BBC's Quentin Sommerville,
0:24:17 > 0:24:20trying to finish his report next to a burning pile of drugs
0:24:20 > 0:24:22in the Middle East.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Burning behind me is eight and a half tonnes of heroin, opium,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28hashish and other narcotics.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30HE GIGGLES
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Burning behind...
0:24:34 > 0:24:37HE CACKLES
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Mate, got this. Shh! Shh!
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Quick! Quick, quick, quick!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42We just need one more.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48HE LAUGHS
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Next...
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- Was it Nanet? - GROANING
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- That's good.- Thank you very much.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02- RAMbrandt.- Yeah.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05- Hey-hey!- Yes!- Very good.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Is that right?
0:25:07 > 0:25:10No, it's not right. Goat that can paint called...
0:25:13 > 0:25:14This is a goat in Mexico
0:25:14 > 0:25:18who's taken up painting and charges 40 per work.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Van Goat has many fans,
0:25:20 > 0:25:23but sadly has had to leave Twitter because of all the trolls.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Next...
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Is it excessive use of sunbed?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Thinking.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:25:47 > 0:25:49It's meditating.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Next...
0:25:53 > 0:25:57Adam created clothes cos he found nakedness embarrassing,
0:25:57 > 0:25:59- but that's not exactly a news story, is it?- No.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03It didn't happen this week.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05No, it is more topical than that.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- Oh...- Here he is.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16His other arm does appear to be the same length.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18That's to stop him looking stupid.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22And finally...
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Was a popular euphemism.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34For what?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Invading Crete.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- Creek?- Crete.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- Oh...- Oh, sorry, you were on a beaver theme.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43I thought...
0:26:43 > 0:26:46I thought you were calling sex "invading the creek", and I...
0:26:48 > 0:26:49I loved that.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54It's a more interesting answer than the rather obvious...
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Planes?
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Oh, no.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05How can it be cheaper to drop them from planes rather than just
0:27:05 > 0:27:08take them in a car with us? "There you are."
0:27:08 > 0:27:11What happens if the box doesn't open when they hit the ground as well?
0:27:11 > 0:27:13They're beavers!
0:27:15 > 0:27:17APPLAUSE
0:27:18 > 0:27:22Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24We'll be needing this spirit level in a minute, love.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Chilcott finally delivers.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32APPLAUSE Very good.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36And I leave you with news that,
0:27:36 > 0:27:38at the end of a long and pointless election campaign,
0:27:38 > 0:27:41where he's tried so hard not to be odd and weird,
0:27:41 > 0:27:45Ed Miliband finally gets to relax on the train journey home.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52The owner of one of Britain's best-known stately homes
0:27:52 > 0:27:54appals visitors with his lewd behaviour.
0:27:59 > 0:28:00After pressure from the party,
0:28:00 > 0:28:04Nigel Farage agrees to take a break over summer to get fit.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09APPLAUSE
0:28:11 > 0:28:14And following the arrest of several senior officials,
0:28:14 > 0:28:18Fifa bring in a new face to help eradicate the culture of greed.
0:28:23 > 0:28:24Goodnight.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28APPLAUSE