0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:43Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jeremy Clarkson.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47In the news this week, evidence from the McLaren garage suggests
0:00:47 > 0:00:51their poor season in Formula One may be down to a lack of focus.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57Oi!
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Awaiting trial and forced to spend time at home helping with
0:01:04 > 0:01:09domestic chores, things go from bad to worse for Sepp Blatter.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21And in Brighton, Labour's Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell
0:01:21 > 0:01:24are relieved to get out of the conference centre
0:01:24 > 0:01:27without making any more blunders.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59On Ian's team tonight is a journalist who's been
0:01:59 > 0:02:02covering the Rugby World Cup for the Sunday Times.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06Her next piece will be out at the weekend, as will England.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Please welcome Camilla Long.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11APPLAUSE
0:02:15 > 0:02:19And with Paul tonight is a presenter of two top rating daytime TV
0:02:19 > 0:02:23shows, which is why he's such a passionate
0:02:23 > 0:02:27opponent of Iain Duncan Smith's scheme to get people back to work.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Please welcome Richard Osman.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33APPLAUSE
0:02:37 > 0:02:41And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Ian and Camilla, take a look at this.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- Ah...- Yes, I wonder what this is.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51- Oh, there's Jeremy Corbyn. John McDonnell.- Happy front bench.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52CAMILLA LAUGHS
0:02:52 > 0:02:56- Vegetarian sandwich. - Yes. And that was the last speech.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Which didn't go down quite so well.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03You ran the footage of him going up the stairs, but that's
0:03:03 > 0:03:07a metaphor, really, for Corbyn fighting the right wing media.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Woo! - Thank you very much indeed.
0:03:10 > 0:03:15But anyway, this is the Labour conference, it didn't go as badly as everybody hoped. And...
0:03:16 > 0:03:19..in the end, Corbyn was not very good.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20You're absolutely right, of course, it is
0:03:20 > 0:03:24the first conference for Corbyn as leader, and obviously it was
0:03:24 > 0:03:27slightly derailed at the end by this nuclear business.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30He was asked a straight question and he gave a genuine answer.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34They asked a question, as they always do. "We'll ask him a question that is impossible to answer."
0:03:34 > 0:03:36So, "Would you ever press the nuclear button?"
0:03:36 > 0:03:38If you say no, then you have this reaction.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40If you say yes, "Well, you've always said you wouldn't."
0:03:40 > 0:03:43So he can't answer it. So what does he do? He actually told the truth.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45And no-one has done that for a long time.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Whether he is right or wrong, I think that is quite refreshing.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55CAMILLA: I think the problem was he then changed his mind afterwards,
0:03:55 > 0:03:59which is not great if you've got your finger hovering above the nuclear button, to be fair.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00I had a bit of sympathy
0:04:00 > 0:04:02when he said he'd never press that button under any
0:04:02 > 0:04:06circumstances, because I'm the same with the ITV2 button on my remote.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11What is ITV2?
0:04:11 > 0:04:15You will find out soon enough, Jeremy.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17APPLAUSE
0:04:19 > 0:04:21You have no idea.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Oh, you stuck in the 1930s...
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I know I'm talking to a man who has just been paid £160 million
0:04:28 > 0:04:31for his new series, so you can do whatever you want.
0:04:31 > 0:04:36I am sitting here with an erection while you're having a go. Anyway.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Are you certain it is Amazon Prime and not Amazon Past Their Prime?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:04:42 > 0:04:43APPLAUSE
0:04:43 > 0:04:48Why is it irrelevant whether Jeremy Corbyn pushes the button or not?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Because there's no such thing?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53No, well, they're probably isn't, actually, that's probably...
0:04:53 > 0:04:56The button is connected to an espresso machine.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59It's because there is another way of getting submarine
0:04:59 > 0:05:01commanders to launch nuclear missiles.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Yes, that's right, they tune into Radio 4.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- If it's not on, they fire the missile.- There you go.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09That's a thing that's been protecting us for 30 years.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Making sure that everybody on Radio 4 keeps talking all the time.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17- The last voice you will hear will be Nicholas Parsons.- It is.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20If they can't tune in to Radio 4 for a given number of days,
0:05:20 > 0:05:21the submarine commander goes, "Well,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24"London must have been destroyed, let's flatten Moscow."
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- Did anyone see his speech?- Yeah.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28I thought it was exactly what people wanted to hear.
0:05:28 > 0:05:33It was a bit rambly, he borrowed a bit of it, he missed out some stuff.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36The deficit, the fact that Labour lost the election.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40I mean, there's stuff that will have to be addressed eventually,
0:05:40 > 0:05:42um, if anyone is going to vote for him.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45But Miliband did all those things and no-one voted for him either.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47I'd rather hear a more fun speech from someone no-one's going
0:05:47 > 0:05:50- to vote for.- Oh, you're not saying his speech was more fun?
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Yeah, it's more entertaining. Because there is a bit more personality to it,
0:05:53 > 0:05:55because you think, "Blimey, look at him.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56"What's he doing there?"
0:05:58 > 0:06:02- It could, like, be anybody. Could be any of us. Not you.- Uh, uh.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06I don't know. Old bloke called Jeremy with extreme views.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10APPLAUSE
0:06:10 > 0:06:12His message was, "It's nice to be nice,
0:06:12 > 0:06:14"and nice things are nicer than not a nice things."
0:06:14 > 0:06:19- I mean, that is basically... I don't see anything wrong with that. - There's nothing wrong with it.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- What do we think of his delivery? - Are we back to Amazon?- No.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26- I know you've got to get the plug... - Soon.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32He read out a bit where someone had written, "Strong message here."
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Let's show it to the ladies and gentlemen. There it is.
0:06:34 > 0:06:39We need to be investing in skills, investing in our young people.
0:06:39 > 0:06:44And, strong message here, not cutting student numbers.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49It wasn't his most professional moment, I think.
0:06:49 > 0:06:54No, and it does suggest that the strong message had been missed out.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58- Do you know what he called you two? - Sickening capitalist lickspittles.
0:06:58 > 0:06:59Pretty much.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06I like the "commentariat" part. Just a Soviet hint there.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Why would... Why would he say that about you, Camilla?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11I said that I was a little bit in love with him,
0:07:11 > 0:07:14only two months ago, so I don't know why he would say that.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Well, I'll tell you the other things you said about him, is he is a...
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Correct.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35- You should sugar-coat it, really, I think.- I stand by it.
0:07:36 > 0:07:41Who was notable by their absence at the Labour Party conference?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Putin.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- Ed Miliband wasn't there. - None of the old guard.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50- Blair didn't turn up, Mandelson.- Atlee.- No.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Do you know where they were, according to the Sun?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Drinking the blood of babies.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Kinnock was taking a break after ten years.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- Bastard.- Yeah.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Blair was busy working in the States.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Brown was doing educational work in the States.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08And Miliband was thinking about climate change.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Over at the Ukip conference, how was
0:08:12 > 0:08:16Nigel Farage caught out this week?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19He seemed to forget the microphone was on.
0:08:19 > 0:08:24We've got... Upstairs on the fourth floor is the Lazarus Suite,
0:08:24 > 0:08:27which is my sort of room, so away from all the press,
0:08:27 > 0:08:30if you want to come up in about half an hour and say hello...
0:08:30 > 0:08:32SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:08:32 > 0:08:34APPLAUSE
0:08:37 > 0:08:41There is a literally nothing I can think to say now he's...
0:08:41 > 0:08:44The Lazarus Suite, where you come back from the dead.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51- Wasn't that the lady who had the picture of him tattooed on her arm? - You can see it, actually,
0:08:51 > 0:08:54if you want. There's the tattoo of Nigel Farage.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57She went in to a tattoo parlour and said, "What have you got?
0:08:57 > 0:08:58"What designs?
0:08:58 > 0:09:01"Can I have a skull? No, I think I'll have Nigel Farage."
0:09:01 > 0:09:02And there it is.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05RICHARD: She said, "I want a bell, but just the end of a bell.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09APPLAUSE
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Over at the Lib Dems, do you think they are likely to benefit
0:09:12 > 0:09:15from defections from the Labour Party now that Corbyn is in the hot seat?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17They certainly think they will,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20they think people will move back to the centre. Join the Lib Dems.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23And they put out a message saying, "Come aboard."
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Let's see how they dealt with that question on The Wright Stuff
0:09:27 > 0:09:31- recently.- Do you anticipate many leaving to join the Lib Dems?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Well, I think, you know, you've also got this
0:09:33 > 0:09:37issue of the Prime Minister putting his cock in a dead pig's mouth.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Do you know what, mate? One, it is an allegation.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Two, your choice of language in referring to that, I think,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47far goes beyond what is permitted at this time of the day.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48And at that point, really,
0:09:48 > 0:09:51you've forfeited any right to speak on the show, so, bye-bye.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56I'm glad we finally mentioned it, though.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58It is hard to talk about, precisely
0:09:58 > 0:10:00because you're not allowed to say those sort...
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- It is a difficult story to talk about, isn't it?- What, cock?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- Yeah, you can't really say it.- You can't on Pointless, you can here.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09OK. I was going to say he put his Clarkson in a pig's mouth.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Well, I don't know. This ritual...
0:10:12 > 0:10:16I mean, what are the benefits of joining this club? What do you get?
0:10:16 > 0:10:1810% off sports equipment? I mean, what is the...
0:10:18 > 0:10:21What's the great club that you have to stick your cock in a dead
0:10:21 > 0:10:23pig's mouth to become a member?
0:10:26 > 0:10:30- Ian, you used to be a member, didn't you?- Um...- Oh, there's a hesitation.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35No, I wasn't a member. It says I was a member on Wikipedia, which is...
0:10:35 > 0:10:36That's what they all say.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Yeah, which is quite embarrassing, given I spent half the week
0:10:39 > 0:10:42with tabloid journalists ringing me up saying, "Have you...
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- "..put your..."- Placed your chap?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48"..Clarkson in a..."
0:10:49 > 0:10:51"..receptacle?" Anyway, no,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53I was not a member of the Piers Gaveston Society.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55I was a member of the Piers Morgan...
0:10:58 > 0:11:00I won't ask what the ritual was to get into that club.
0:11:02 > 0:11:07- Do you know people who were, though? Is that the sort of thing they did?- Yeah. No, no. I mean...
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Yes, yes, no, no. Are they your favourite two words on the subject?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13He asked me two questions.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15He said, "Did you know people who were there?"
0:11:15 > 0:11:18And then he asked another question, so I said, "Yes, I did know people,
0:11:18 > 0:11:21"no, I didn't," which is sort of my answer.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24I thought I was the one that was going to get a hard time tonight,
0:11:24 > 0:11:29- and it turns out Ian is. Right, yes, this is...- Is that it?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31We're going to just leave it alone?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Lord Ashcroft getting this amazing story into the public
0:11:34 > 0:11:38- domain via the Daily Mail. - I don't think it is even a story.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41It's a... It's a fantasy.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45It is an act of amazing revenge by the Mail, in cohorts with
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Lord Ashcroft, which the whole country has decided to believe.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Usually a story in the Daily Mail,
0:11:50 > 0:11:54peddled by a non-dom Tory peer,
0:11:54 > 0:11:57who gave 8 million quid to the Tory party and is in a strop because
0:11:57 > 0:12:01he wasn't made Defence Secretary, would be laughed out of court.
0:12:01 > 0:12:06Well, it is not in court yet, but I was hoping it might get in.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08But no, we've all taken this seriously.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10And there's the grinning Lord Ashcroft.
0:12:10 > 0:12:15I mean, if you want to talk about members inserted into the House of Lords, um...
0:12:17 > 0:12:20..there he is. I mean, it's a disgraceful story.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24This man, Lord Ashcroft, who gave the Tories all this money,
0:12:24 > 0:12:27thought he could get himself into the Cabinet,
0:12:27 > 0:12:29thought he could buy himself a Cabinet post.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32And everybody has gone along with this, saying, "Oh, great,
0:12:32 > 0:12:33"Lord Ashcroft."
0:12:33 > 0:12:35I mean, he's a non-dom.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38If we're doing prick jokes, let's have a condom joke.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41APPLAUSE
0:12:41 > 0:12:44And if you want something disgusting the Prime Minister has done,
0:12:44 > 0:12:49I mean, you know, there's loads of it. Bedroom tax being a good start.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52There's plenty of these things, and everyone goes round saying,
0:12:52 > 0:12:54"Oh, it's about a pig when he was 20."
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Well, how about being really appalling when he was 50?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02APPLAUSE
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Yes. It's the new Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Actually, at this early stage,
0:13:10 > 0:13:13I've got nothing against the bearded, sandal wearing, teetotal, non-smoking,
0:13:13 > 0:13:18hummus-loving, Hamas-loving, anthem-dodging, pinko lefty.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Claiming the party was open to new ideas,
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Corbyn said he wanted to give people...
0:13:28 > 0:13:32An odd line, but it once worked a treat on Diane Abbott.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34GROANS
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Paul and Richard, take a look at this.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45- Oh, yes, the 1930s are back in a big way.- New, improved Top Gear.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Absolutely. There's Adolf Hitler, he's not happy about Volkswagen,
0:13:48 > 0:13:51the people's car. They've been cheating their emissions,
0:13:51 > 0:13:54a special bit of software that, when the car knows it's under
0:13:54 > 0:13:56testing conditions, doesn't give the right information.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59And Volkswagen... Nobody knew about this at the top,
0:13:59 > 0:14:02just one bloke with a screwdriver just did it,
0:14:02 > 0:14:04without anybody else knowing.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07He feels ashamed about it, he's managed to do over 50 million cars.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11Exactly right. I mean, that covers it all, I think, doesn't it, really?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13I don't think that Volkswagen's case was particularly
0:14:13 > 0:14:19helped by the fact that I think the deputy CEO was called Olaf Lies.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- He was.- Or something.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24- He was the only one telling the truth.- Yeah.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27We all lie about our emissions, though, don't we?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32We blame the dog.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35I think it is one of those questions you need to know about cars
0:14:35 > 0:14:37to deal with, so we need an expert.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Jeremy, have you got Chris Evans's phone number?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43APPLAUSE
0:14:47 > 0:14:50I am not allowed, on the BBC, to use the C word.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- Corbyn?- No, car.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Oh, you're not allowed to talk about cars at all?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57- No, I can come and do this, I just can't talk about...- Oh, right.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00I'd be right in saying that motoring journalists knew this story
0:15:00 > 0:15:02all along, didn't they, about the emissions test?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Don't think anybody knew that specifically there was a bit of software in it.
0:15:05 > 0:15:10The story I do know, that one of the major companies was testing a car - well, driving a car -
0:15:10 > 0:15:12past a man from the Government to test how loud it was,
0:15:12 > 0:15:15cos they have to be within a certain amount of decibels,
0:15:15 > 0:15:18and they knew it was going to fail, so, as they got close to him,
0:15:18 > 0:15:21they put it into neutral, turned the engine off and coasted past.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24"That's fine. It's not loud enough." He was given a "You can sell this."
0:15:24 > 0:15:27You know when you said you weren't allowed to talk about cars?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- You're allowed to talk about... - Yeah. What are they going to do? Fucking sack me?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- Again.- I just thought of that. They can't, can they?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41- Of course.- It's quite good fun.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43There were some unusual emissions
0:15:43 > 0:15:45from a red Citroen Picasso this week.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Now, who was responsible for that?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- Who would have a Citroen Picasso? - A red Citroen Picasso?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- People who have given up on life, usually.- Yes.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Ronnie Pickering.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- Oh, Ronnie Pickering.- Oh, Ronnie.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58The mad taxi driver.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Did he not, sort of, have an altercation with a motorcyclist
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- and said, "Don't you know who I am?"- Hmm.
0:16:04 > 0:16:09- And the motorcyclist said, "No," and he just kept on saying it.- Yeah.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11- Would you like to see it?- Yes.- OK.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12- Do you know who I am?- Do I care?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Well, you will know when I fucking...when you pull up.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17- Come on, who are you, then? - Ronnie Pickering.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20- Who?- Ronnie Pickering. - Who?- Ronnie Pickering!
0:16:20 > 0:16:22- Who the fuck's that?- Me!
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- Ronnie... Ronnie Pickering. - APPLAUSE
0:16:29 > 0:16:33I bet Chris Evans is ringing him, even now, don't you think?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Go on, Jeremy, punch him.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40You can have a go, if you want. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:42 > 0:16:45You remember how to punch, right?
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- Let's just get this done. - Oh, no, he's rolling up his sleeve.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50He's rolling up his sleeve.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52The pie's here! The pie's here!
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Chips, give us chips, quick!
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Sprouts! Sprouts Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Oh...
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- Good, that's cleared up. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:06 > 0:17:08I've been practising that face.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- It's a hard one to pull off. - What, the, the...?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Well, you knew that that was going to crop up,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- so I had to practise my face. - What was your face? I didn't see it.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18Well, it's like, "Yes, I knew this was coming. Oh, what an idiot I am."
0:17:18 > 0:17:20RICHARD: Yeah, but with a touch of,
0:17:20 > 0:17:22"But, you know, I made quite a lot of money out of it,
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- "so it is all right."- Yeah.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29- I'm in a dilemma. I mean, you punched Piers Morgan, so...- Oh...
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- ..sometimes... - APPLAUSE
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Yeah, you see?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- Yeah. No-one's sacking you for that. - No.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42This is the Volkswagen fiasco -
0:17:42 > 0:17:43not the name of their latest hatchback
0:17:43 > 0:17:48but the ongoing scandal over diesel emissions.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50As prosecutors launched a criminal investigation
0:17:50 > 0:17:53into the emissions scandal, it's believed that
0:17:53 > 0:17:57one of the scientists involved there has killed himself in his garage.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00He didn't mean to, he was just parking his car.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05To con the testers, VW vehicles were fitted with
0:18:05 > 0:18:08a so-called "defeat device".
0:18:08 > 0:18:11If you're wondering what a "defeat device" looks like,
0:18:11 > 0:18:12well, here you go.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16And so, into round two,
0:18:16 > 0:18:22and it's a welcome return for the Steering Wheel Of News.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24There we are, and here is the first spin.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27# Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. #
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- BUZZER - Robert Peston. That's Robert Peston.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31He's not been wearing a tie properly.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33He's getting his hair cut. They want him to look a little bit...
0:18:33 > 0:18:36BBC want him a bit more corporate, and he's saying,
0:18:36 > 0:18:38"This is the way I am," and he might be going to ITV,
0:18:38 > 0:18:40where they will let him wear his shirt as long as he likes.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41- Well, nearly.- Nearly.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- Yeah.- Yes, it's appearance, but he's been told that,
0:18:44 > 0:18:45if he wants the ITV news job,
0:18:45 > 0:18:47which apparently is something he's after,
0:18:47 > 0:18:48- he'll have to put a tie on. - Oh, right.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- So it's the other way round. - Yes, I see.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54He's been thinking about the career move a lot, and, according to the Guardian...
0:18:56 > 0:19:00Particularly when he's trying to get to the end of a sentence.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Because why do you think ITV care?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Shares in Tie Rack?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06They're apparently more strict about their dress code -
0:19:06 > 0:19:09wouldn't allow him to interview prominent figures
0:19:09 > 0:19:12dressed as some kind of lounge lizard, like this.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16There will be many people concerned that you are offering
0:19:16 > 0:19:20- a big Treasury subsidy for power... - LAUGHTER
0:19:20 > 0:19:24..but, right now, nuclear power looks very, very expensive.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29So, what does Robert Peston say about all of this?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Oh, he just doesn't care.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Having a shirt undone to the waist may be an obstacle to your
0:19:37 > 0:19:41career on British television news, but where is it a positive asset?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43- Italy.- Is it Greece?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45- Australia.- Russia.- No, nearly.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46- Albania.- Yes.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- Albania is the correct answer. - Oh, crazy.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52On the TV station Zjarr...
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Ahem. That's the actual name of the TV, so I'm just making a noise.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- Yeah, don't be rude. You'll be on it.- Yeah.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03A young newsreader called Enki Bracaj,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- she's found a way...- Inky Bra-Cadge? I think I was at school with him.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10She's...
0:20:12 > 0:20:14- Hmm.- There we go.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19SHE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
0:20:20 > 0:20:22I think a tie would help.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26APPLAUSE
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Do you know? The really embarrassing thing is the next question
0:20:31 > 0:20:34is about Rebekah Brooks and I'm not going to do that.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35Well, I know the answer.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- BELL RINGS - Innocent!
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- Exactly. - APPLAUSE
0:20:41 > 0:20:45On what grounds do you make that rather extraordinary statement?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51So, are we deliberately missing out the Rebekah Brooks question?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53DRUMROLL
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- It's the Wheel Of Evasion. - BUZZER
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Oh, yeah, this is Rebekah Brooks. She was in the news...
0:20:58 > 0:21:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:00 > 0:21:03- Could you...? - Oh, I know who that is.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05You might be a bit more in on the details than I am, actually.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- It's the Dull Man Contest, isn't it? - Well done.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09It's called the Dull Men's Club.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12They used to do a calendar and, now, there are so many of them,
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- they've upgraded it to a book. - Fabulous.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17If they've called it the Dull Men's Club, that's annoying,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19cos you'll have to think of a new name for your new show.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:21:22 > 0:21:25My favourite dull man was the man who kept a diary
0:21:25 > 0:21:29from 1980 of his lawn-mowing activities.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33- I'll give you...- 90 points.- ..three points if you tell me his name.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35- Oh...- Ronnie Pickering!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- "Come on! You know who I am." - APPLAUSE
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- I've even got a photograph of him. - Yeah.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44- He's called David Grisenthwaite and here he is.- Oh. Oh, lovely.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- AUDIENCE: Aw... - And somebody said to him, "Why?"
0:21:46 > 0:21:48And he said...
0:21:50 > 0:21:52So, this man, OK,
0:21:52 > 0:21:57he's kept detailed records of over 300 bandstands around Britain.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Do you know how he celebrated his 50th birthday? Paul?
0:22:00 > 0:22:01- Paul?- Rabbits.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03A handstand on a bandstand.
0:22:05 > 0:22:10- He got a tattoo of his favourite bandstand.- Oh.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12One more dull man.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- Yes, please.- Yes. - Here we go. Who is he?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:22:17 > 0:22:19No, you see, he is an expert on manhole covers...
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- Yes.- Yes, he is.- He is. - That's exactly right.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23..which I thought was actually incredibly interesting.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27He can see a manhole cover and say, "Yes."
0:22:27 > 0:22:28"That's a manhole cover."
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Corbyn actually said...
0:22:39 > 0:22:41That's why people are so worried. Middle England is going to
0:22:41 > 0:22:43- take him to their breast.- Yeah.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45He likes allotments, manhole covers, and wears sandals.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- You think he's not going to win? - Yeah.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50The other one's sticking his cock in a pig.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56- And the last spin.- Last spin. - Ready?- Yeah.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- DRUMROLL So this'll be Rebekah Brooks.- Yeah.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02LAUGHTER
0:23:02 > 0:23:04That's handy, cos I've got questions on that one.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07BELL RINGS This is Putin powering into Syria...
0:23:07 > 0:23:11- Mm-hmm.- ..and Obama being tense about him doing this,
0:23:11 > 0:23:13and them having a tense meeting in the UN.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Who is currently bombing Syria?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17The US are bombing, the French are bombing,
0:23:17 > 0:23:19the Russians have now joined in...
0:23:19 > 0:23:21We want to go in, apparently.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23You wouldn't want to be an air traffic controller, would you,
0:23:23 > 0:23:24in Syria right now?
0:23:24 > 0:23:26"Where the hell are this lot coming from?"
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Which other famous face popped in to see Obama this week?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31- BELL RINGS - The Pope.- Sorry.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Yeah, at times, it did look like he didn't want to be there.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36- Really?- Watch.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48MUSIC: The Star-Spangled Banner
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- How dare he not sing? - Typical...
0:23:57 > 0:23:59- APPLAUSE - Yes.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Who went all out and dressed up for the Pope's visit?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Dogs. Oh, dogs disguised as the Pope.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Look at this lot.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09The Pope's got a hairy face!
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Apparently, asked if the Pope was aware of the "Pope dog" trend,
0:24:12 > 0:24:14the Vatican spokesman said...
0:24:18 > 0:24:22What is the Pope releasing just in time for Christmas?
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Is it an emission?
0:24:25 > 0:24:26- CAMILLA: A single?- Yes, it is.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29He's releasing his own rock and pop album...
0:24:29 > 0:24:32- Oh, lovely.- ..with his Papal speeches set to music.- Yeah?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- Fantastic.- He premiered it on Rolling Stone's website.
0:24:35 > 0:24:36It's called...
0:24:38 > 0:24:44MUSIC: Wake Up! Go! Go! Forward by Pope Francis & Damiano Affinito
0:24:49 > 0:24:52- POPE FRANCIS:- 'Wake up. Wake up.'
0:24:55 > 0:24:58It's not an advert for an alarm clock, is it?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- The Papal alarm clock. - APPLAUSE
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Meanwhile, when the Pope addressed the US Congress,
0:25:06 > 0:25:09speaker John Boehner was moved to tears,
0:25:09 > 0:25:11and that is pathetic.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14The only time you'd catch our speaker crying is
0:25:14 > 0:25:17if he comes home early and sees his cousin's trousers on the landing.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20GASPING, GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Time for the Missing Words round,
0:25:24 > 0:25:28which, this week, features as its guest publication,
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Warehouse & Logistics News,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33and we start with...
0:25:37 > 0:25:38..after what?
0:25:38 > 0:25:39After Mr Gromit is sacked.
0:25:41 > 0:25:46After his competitors are found in shallow graves in Epping Forest.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49He wins Warehouse Manager of the Year after...
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Well, nobody else could do... Exactly.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Well...
0:25:58 > 0:26:02wouldn't it be better management if he'd asked somebody else to do it?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04That's doing it himself. That's not management.
0:26:04 > 0:26:09- Yeah, Wallace.- Yeah, give... - Cocked that up.- Yeah, give it back.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10Next...
0:26:13 > 0:26:14..she wants to what?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17RICHARD: Press charges.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Is it...? Was it live in 1942?
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Very close. She actually said "experience World War II".
0:26:24 > 0:26:25- Yes.- Yeah.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29This is a Miss Italy contestant who told judges she'd love to
0:26:29 > 0:26:31travel back in time to the 1940s.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35If she'd gone back to 1942, the 18-year-old Miss Italy
0:26:35 > 0:26:38would have experienced many dangers, such as air raids
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Mussolini's secret police and, most terrifying of all,
0:26:41 > 0:26:44being approached by a middle-aged Silvio Berlusconi.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48And, finally, what...?
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Is it "paedophile"?
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Well, it could be.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Oh, it'll be some poison - E Coli.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- Oh, you're getting nearer now. - Not salmonella.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Yeah. Oh, no, it'd be tuna-ella.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- Tuna-ella, not salmonella - that's salmon.- It was in the Daily Mail.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06The answer is "deadly toxin".
0:27:06 > 0:27:09This news was from the Daily Mail this week.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Sandwiches are often dangerous, of course,
0:27:12 > 0:27:14especially if it's 11 o'clock at night...
0:27:14 > 0:27:17And you've had a couple of hours drinking first.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Was it Coke?
0:27:18 > 0:27:21LAUGHTER
0:27:21 > 0:27:23- What, just, just bad temper? - Anyway, listen,
0:27:23 > 0:27:25the final scores are...
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Ian and Camilla, five,
0:27:27 > 0:27:29and Paul and Richard, six.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31No.
0:27:31 > 0:27:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:36 > 0:27:39And I leave you with news that, at a Moscow exhibition celebrating
0:27:39 > 0:27:43his life, some of Vladimir Putin's childhood toys go on display.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49On the set of my new car show for Amazon Prime,
0:27:49 > 0:27:53there are concerns that James May might be becoming a bit diva-ish.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00And, in Bavaria, a fox regrets standing too close
0:28:00 > 0:28:02to the exhaust of a Volkswagen Golf.
0:28:07 > 0:28:08Goodnight.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10APPLAUSE