0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:23 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm David Mitchell.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44In the news this week, in Blackburn, a young man begins to wonder
0:00:44 > 0:00:47whether the salesman was being completely honest
0:00:47 > 0:00:51when he offered him a test ride on the new 500cc Kawasaki superbike.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55TRUMPETER MAKES MOTORBIKE REVVING NOISES
0:00:58 > 0:01:02In Blackpool, just days after winning £27 million on the Lottery,
0:01:02 > 0:01:05a pensioner hears about the death of his wife.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14And, in order to disprove vicious rumours that he's a bully,
0:01:14 > 0:01:18Labour Deputy Leader Tom Watson releases home video footage
0:01:18 > 0:01:21of him playing with his child at Christmas.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37On Ian's team tonight is a journalist and Newsnight presenter
0:01:37 > 0:01:40who says it's about time we had a female chancellor.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44That's one drastic cut I'd like to see George Osborne make.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Please welcome Kirsty Wark.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49APPLAUSE
0:01:52 > 0:01:55And with Paul tonight is a comedian and co-writer of Outnumbered
0:01:55 > 0:01:58and Drop The Dead Donkey who says,
0:01:58 > 0:02:00"We make things that we would like to watch."
0:02:00 > 0:02:03So do a lot of people, but they call it sexting.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Please welcome Andy Hamilton.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08APPLAUSE
0:02:12 > 0:02:14And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Paul and Andy, take a look at this.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Oh, yes, rather beautiful image
0:02:18 > 0:02:21but drastic for the people who live there. Cumbria.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23The floodings have been pretty grim.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Cameron, he does look as if he's saying,
0:02:26 > 0:02:28"I can make this water go back," doesn't he?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31He's about to make a Canute of himself.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35There's an awful lot of water in this, so I suspect this
0:02:35 > 0:02:38is about the floods in Cumbria and other parts of the country.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Dreadful conditions that people have been putting up with.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43I'm not sure it's a good idea to show so much
0:02:43 > 0:02:47footage of lots of water to men of our age at the top of the show.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51But I think there's been a bit of a controversy because
0:02:51 > 0:02:54there's meant to be some sort of flood plans that weren't
0:02:54 > 0:02:56put into plan about three years ago that might have stopped
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- the worst of this?- They say that even the flood defences
0:02:59 > 0:03:00the water came over worked a bit.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Cos if they'd been lower, they would have come over quicker.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06So, you'd have been flooded quicker without that.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Which I think was a comfort to a lot of people.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12You can put a positive spin on it.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Here's Environment Minister Rory Stewart
0:03:14 > 0:03:17explaining how effective some of the defences have been.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20So, the main defence here on the Warwick Road is just behind that
0:03:20 > 0:03:22group of buildings that we can see.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25And that defence, it wasn't breached.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27But what's happened is the waters come over the top.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29So that defence has worked well.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Didn't naming the storm make us more storm aware?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Cos, apparently, the phrase
0:03:37 > 0:03:40"There's a life-threatening storm on the way,"
0:03:40 > 0:03:42people just tune that out.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45But if you say, "There's a life-threatening storm on the way,
0:03:45 > 0:03:46"and, oh, incidentally, it's got a name,"
0:03:46 > 0:03:48they're galvanised, but it didn't.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- That's because it was called Desmond.- Well, exactly.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52That's a suburban name.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I mean, Desmond is not a destructive storm, is it?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Desmond is someone who rings your doorbell with
0:03:57 > 0:03:59a petition about speed bumps.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05You need frightening, terrifying, destructive names,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08like Storm Genghis. Or...
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Storm Bastard.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15You can't have those same jolly weather forecasters being all
0:04:15 > 0:04:18cosy and cheerful, saying, "Oh, Desmond's on the way."
0:04:18 > 0:04:21It's not scary. You know, you need the bloke who does the cinema ads.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- DEEP GRAVELLY VOICE: - Off the coast of Cornwall...
0:04:24 > 0:04:27In a world where umbrellas are futile.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32It gave opportunities for people
0:04:32 > 0:04:34who didn't have swimming pools to improvise.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37There was a wonderful picture of a lovely old man
0:04:37 > 0:04:38swimming in his kitchen.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42Yes, indeed, that's 72-year-old Kendal resident Peter Clarkson.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44And here he is swimming.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45AUDIENCE GROAN
0:04:45 > 0:04:48There was a daring rescue at a house in Carlisle.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52- Did you read about that?- No. - Angela Watson told the Guardian:
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Do you know what happened to Sam and Samantha Thompson's wedding
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- in Ullswater? - That's Cumbria, isn't it?
0:05:15 > 0:05:17They were cut off at the reception...
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Did the best man bring a rubber ring?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Apparently not.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29It's a sensible suggestion, Ian. I don't know why people are so grumpy.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Two main celebrity flood victims were Tim Farron and Steve Coogan.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38- Do you know the situation he found himself in?- In a car with his dog.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40- Yeah.- It says here,
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Steve Coogan was trapped in a car with a German Shepherd.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44So, it could be.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50And, yes, Lib Dem leader Tim Farron was trapped in Westmorland.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Some of the floodwaters came up to Tim's chest.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Although elsewhere it was quite deep.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59And do you know who was commended for bravery?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- Was it Brian Blessed? - It always is.- It usually is.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06There's a story most weeks that Brian's rescued someone.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09He's gone and he's sucked up all the water through a straw.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Now he's going up Mount Everest to wee it down onto nature.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- No.- I'll believe that.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21No, it's RTE's Teresa Mannion, who stood in the rain reporting on
0:06:21 > 0:06:24the weather in the Republic of Ireland. Let's have a look.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Cannot repeat the advice often enough from the Garda.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Don't make unnecessary journeys.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Don't take risks on treacherous roads.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36And don't swim in the sea.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42- I love that.- The floods have also led to a spate of burglaries.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Furious Carlisle resident Michael Johnson said:
0:06:50 > 0:06:53He's since been arrested for stealing police tape.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Ian and Kirsty, take a look at this.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59AUDIENCE AND KIRSTY GROAN
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Yes - boo.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Donald Trump is so dammed attractive.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07He's very keen on pictures of himself.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09And he's signing it for himself.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13He said that all Muslims should be banned.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16But he announced it in the third person.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Which is a sure sign of a lunatic.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19Yeah.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23He said, "Donald J Trump... has announced..."
0:07:23 > 0:07:26you thought, "Oh, is that not you, then?"
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Distancing yourself from this bigoted idiot.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Yes, you're absolutely right. This is the announcement he made.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Let's have a look at him doing it.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Donald J Trump is calling for a total and complete shut down
0:07:41 > 0:07:44of Muslims entering the United States,
0:07:44 > 0:07:47until our country's representatives
0:07:47 > 0:07:51can figure out what the hell is going on.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Who WOULD be able to get into America under Trump?
0:07:56 > 0:07:59He said he's always got on very well with the blacks.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Someone said on the radio,
0:08:01 > 0:08:04"Is that the Blacks who are a white couple who live three doors down?"
0:08:06 > 0:08:09When he says stuff, it doesn't have to be practical,
0:08:09 > 0:08:13it doesn't have to be true... Cos he's a liar.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14He's a liar and he's a racist.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16He's a friend of Piers Morgan...
0:08:16 > 0:08:17LAUGHTER
0:08:17 > 0:08:20No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Come on...
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Piers Morgan SAID he was.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24No, Piers has got no friends, you know that.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Let's look at how his ban would work in practice. It's quite simple actually.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Trump explained what border guards would say faced with travellers trying to enter the US:
0:08:39 > 0:08:44And if the answer is yes, they wouldn't be allowed into the country. So...
0:08:44 > 0:08:47It's a very workable way... So I think in answer to your question,
0:08:47 > 0:08:50who would be allowed into the country under his system, it's...
0:08:50 > 0:08:52anyone.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56He's getting the backwash now, even from places like Dubai where he has lots of investments,
0:08:56 > 0:09:00they don't want his name attached to it, they're pulling out.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04You know, Trump trinkets sold big in the Middle East.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Trump toothpaste, Trump toothbrushes...
0:09:06 > 0:09:07- Really?!- Yeah.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- Trump toothbrushes?! - Well, I'm making them up.
0:09:09 > 0:09:14You wouldn't want anything to do with him in your mouth!
0:09:14 > 0:09:18And how did Britain first get involved in Trump's recent remarks?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20He said that London was, er...
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- No-go areas. - London was a no-go area...
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- KIRSTY: For certain police officers. - Yes, he said...
0:09:25 > 0:09:29There are certain places in London police are scared for their lives.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Sports Direct...
0:09:32 > 0:09:34KIRSTY: Yeah...
0:09:34 > 0:09:36"Not going there."
0:09:37 > 0:09:40He bolsters his argument against excluding Muslims by saying
0:09:40 > 0:09:43he didn't want US cities to become like London...
0:09:50 > 0:09:54And our very own attention-seeking tousle-haired political funnyman had a response to that.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Who was that, and what did he say?
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- It was Boris, he said it was nonsense.- Yes, he said...
0:10:05 > 0:10:08APPLAUSE
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Let's talk about the petition on the Government's website
0:10:12 > 0:10:15to ban Trump from Britain on the grounds of hate speech.
0:10:15 > 0:10:20It would be a huge mistake, because a bit like Isis, that would be giving him exactly what he wants.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23See, that'll play to the myth of him as the outsider, the truth teller.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Yeah, "No-one wants to listen to these very sensible views, they're banning me."
0:10:26 > 0:10:30All you've got to do is listen to his views, and then you realise that you DON'T have to listen to them.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34- So we should invite him over. - Yes, exactly.- I'd like him to be host.- Yes!
0:10:34 > 0:10:35ANDY: That'd be perfect.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Am I doing THAT badly?!
0:10:38 > 0:10:42He's replied already, he said, "The whole of Britain should be listening.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45"Wake up!"
0:10:45 > 0:10:47To what?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Wake up...to fascism!
0:10:51 > 0:10:55Simple, hate-fuelled solution.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Trump's response to the petition was that...
0:11:00 > 0:11:03He also went on to thank the...
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Well, case closed, Your Honour!
0:11:13 > 0:11:16He has supporters, we should say for balance, other than Hopkins.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19According to the Telegraph, he's received support
0:11:19 > 0:11:20from Andrew Anglin,
0:11:20 > 0:11:24publisher of the neo-Nazi website Daily Stormer. He said...
0:11:29 > 0:11:30He sounds nice.
0:11:31 > 0:11:36Just for fun, to lighten the mood, shall we see some vegan butter that looks like Donald Trump?
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Yes, please!
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Here you go.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47While Trump is concerned about the spread of Isis in the States,
0:11:47 > 0:11:51who's in trouble for promoting Isis-style violence in THIS country?
0:11:51 > 0:11:55- Tyson Fury.- Oh, yes, good answer. - No, not Tyson Fury.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59It's Bafta-winning CBBC cartoon OOglies.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03- OOglies...?- That would have been your next answer, I know.- Yeah(!)
0:12:03 > 0:12:07I know this story, I read this. It's about a soldier in a boiled egg.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11- Oh, yeah.- And the soldier has chopped the top of the egg off.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15And someone's complained that this is a fake beheading scene.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Let's take a look.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Waah!
0:12:20 > 0:12:22FIZZLING
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Huh?!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30BOOM!
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Oh...ho!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Haww!
0:12:37 > 0:12:39I'm beginning to sympathise!
0:12:41 > 0:12:45- I didn't realise we had a BOMB outrage first.- KIRSTY: I know...
0:12:45 > 0:12:47I think it should be banned(!)
0:12:48 > 0:12:52So who else has been the subject of a petition this week?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54The strangely named Tyson Fury.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Who believes that homosexuals are paedophiles,
0:12:57 > 0:13:00and that women are better to be in the kitchen.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03For a boxer, he's not strangely named, is he? He's named after...
0:13:03 > 0:13:07- His dad was a boxer....- ..that well-known wife-beater Mike Tyson.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Don't broadcast that, he might be watching.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14He was up for Sports Personality of the Year - was he ever going to
0:13:14 > 0:13:16win Sports Personality of the Year? That's the thing.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Over 100,000 people have signed a petition calling for the BBC
0:13:19 > 0:13:23to remove Tyson Fury from the Sports Personality of the Year shortlist.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25It's an unfortunate immediate reaction
0:13:25 > 0:13:27to everything you don't like - just ban it.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30You could argue against it or point out it's wrong or listen to it or...
0:13:30 > 0:13:33But no, just ban it.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Apart from the boiled egg, which I think SHOULD be banned.
0:13:37 > 0:13:43Also - he IS a boxer. I mean, he gets hit in the head for a living.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46I'm not sure that the intellectual expectation...
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Don't broadcast this, either.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52And what did he actually say, Fury?
0:13:52 > 0:13:56"Homosexuals and paedophiles, that needs to be sorted before the end of the world..."
0:13:56 > 0:13:59So he's put a kind of deadline on it.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03And he said, "Women belong in the kitchen or on their backs."
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- That makes cooking quite difficult, doesn't it?- It does, yeah.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Unless you've got one of those low-level ovens, I suppose.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- I mean, she'll have to be up for it, obviously.- Yeah.- Fury said...
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Quite a dark remark, isn't it?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Yeah - although he's quite positive about it. You know.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29There are only three, he says.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33I didn't realise that the devil LIVED here.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- He had a place in Luton, didn't he? - He's got a few places.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41What did Tyson Fury say about fellow Sports Personality of the Year nominee Jessica Ennis-Hill?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Aren't we just giving publicity more to what he said?
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Why not just ignore him, go on to the next question?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49APPLAUSE
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Might as well.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55This is Donald Trump's call to ban all Muslims from entering America.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57That's his view of immigrants.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Honestly. They COMB OVER here...
0:15:02 > 0:15:05This week, an apparent terrorist attack on the London Underground
0:15:05 > 0:15:07gave rise to the hashtag...
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Perhaps not what the attacker wanted to hear.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Though, on the plus side, it would qualify him
0:15:13 > 0:15:15to get into Donald Trump's America.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- So, er... - APPLAUSE
0:15:22 > 0:15:26And so to round two - the one-armed bandit of news!
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35BUZZER
0:15:35 > 0:15:38The Mona Lisa, one of the most famous portraits ever painted.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Er, there's an expert and he thinks that, underneath, there's
0:15:41 > 0:15:44a painting of somebody else, er, selling kebabs in the, er,
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Hornsey High Road in 1452.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51- They also found some numbers... - Yeah.- ..for colouring purposes.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56The thing is that people used to think that the Mona Lisa was
0:15:56 > 0:16:00a picture of someone called Lisa Gherardini,
0:16:00 > 0:16:03but now, they reckon the one underneath is of her,
0:16:03 > 0:16:05which means the one on top, the famous one,
0:16:05 > 0:16:07has to be of someone else, cos they're different people.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- Let's have a look at the Lisa underneath the Mona.- OK.- Oh!
0:16:10 > 0:16:12- You can see... - KIRSTY: The eyes are similar.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- ANDY: The prospective looks a bit out on that one.- Yeah.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17- Yes, she does. - Her head's a bit weird.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21I mean, far be it from me to criticise Leonardo da Vinci!
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- No...- You know!- Hang on, that can't be under the Mona Lisa painting.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28- KIRSTY: That's what they think. - Yeah.- Oh, an artist impression(?)
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- KIRSTY: Yeah, well, I don't... - I think that's...
0:16:32 > 0:16:34APPLAUSE
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45BUZZER
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- ANDY: Is that Taylor Swift?- It is! - Are these dressing room demands?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Not heard this story?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53This is the news that science has shown that certain foods
0:16:53 > 0:16:55taste better with certain types of music.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Are these, er, "music foodologists"?
0:16:58 > 0:17:02This is Professor Charles Spence of the University of Oxford!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- Oh, OK, all right! - He's back out, is he?- Yeah!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- Yes, he... - Hello, Charlie, you all right?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- Another new identity.- Yeah! - You know...
0:17:13 > 0:17:16He discovered that music can affect the enjoyment of food.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19And how did he conduct his research? Do you know?
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- He ate a lot?- Yeah. - He gave people food
0:17:22 > 0:17:24while playing different bits of music to them.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- You could be a professor!- Yeah!
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Based on Professor Spence's research, which type of food
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- do you think the following songs improved the taste of?- Ooh, OK.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36So let's start with Queen's We Will Rock You.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Fishcakes!
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Sorry, I didn't know I was going to say that.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- It's like a genre. Think genres of food rather than...- Curries.- Yes.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Curries. Indian food. They found that listening to rock music...
0:17:51 > 0:17:52You can tell this is scientific.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56They found that listening to rock music made curries 4% spicier.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Nina Simone's Feeling Good?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Er, cannibalism.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07- Um, sushi. - ALL: Sushi?!- Sushi.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10And, finally, Taylor Swift's Blank Space?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12ANDY: Whatever's on that plate. KIRSTY: Fajitas!
0:18:12 > 0:18:14ANDY: Whatever that is.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- Um, Chinese food. I think that's noodles.- Oh, OK.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Yeah, it gives you a better tasting Chinese
0:18:18 > 0:18:20and, when you spill a bit of soy sauce,
0:18:20 > 0:18:23you can just Shake It Off, Shake It Off.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24I've do idea what that means!
0:18:26 > 0:18:30May... May you enjoy it. Whatever it is.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33This is the news that certain types of music
0:18:33 > 0:18:36go with certain types of food. According to the research...
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Yes, but only because they're in a hurry to get out.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53BUZZER
0:18:53 > 0:18:55- Looks like Shakespeare. - ANDY: Shakespeare stole a theatre.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- Did he?!- Basically. That story...
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- Is that why he's got a bag of swag over his shoulder?- Yeah, he's...
0:19:00 > 0:19:04- Wearing a black-and-white striped shirt, like all burglars?- Yeah.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- Elizabethan burglars in particular. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Rough justice. Go on, then.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- ANDY: Um... - Thank you, Ian!
0:19:12 > 0:19:17Shakespeare and his mate Garrick, um, they fell out with the landlord...
0:19:17 > 0:19:21- Garrick?- The actor. - No, no, Garrick's a bit later.- Yeah.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22- Who was it?- Keane?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- Kempe? Kempe the Clown? - Burbage.- Burbage, that was it!
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Yeah, not Garrick, Andy! For God's sake!
0:19:28 > 0:19:29- Ridiculous!- Burbage. Idiot!
0:19:29 > 0:19:33- You might as well say Tom Cruise! - Yeah!
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- Him and his mate Benedict Cumberbatch...- Yeah!
0:19:36 > 0:19:38KIRSTY: Posh boys! ANDY: Um, sorry...
0:19:38 > 0:19:42They fell out with the landlord and they decided to nick the theatre.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45They released the archive of the court records, is it?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Yes, according to 17th-century papers that have
0:19:48 > 0:19:50- just been released... - PAUL LAUGHS
0:19:50 > 0:19:53It's an enquiry by Sir John of Chilcot.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56APPLAUSE
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Um, talking of making things disappear, though,
0:20:01 > 0:20:05- do you want to see an orang-utan enjoying some close-up magic?- Yes!
0:20:24 > 0:20:26KIRSTY: I love that!
0:20:26 > 0:20:28DAVID LAUGHS
0:20:28 > 0:20:31This is an old court paper that suggests William Shakespeare
0:20:31 > 0:20:34was involved in the theft of a whole theatre.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37It was pretty easy to reassemble the Elizabethan theatre, which
0:20:37 > 0:20:40was much like an IKEA flat pack, with every piece carefully labelled.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43It even inspired Shakespeare's most famous line, as he looked
0:20:43 > 0:20:47round for the next piece of wood that would slot into section 2A.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49No! KIRSTY GROANS
0:20:49 > 0:20:53Time now for the odd one out round. Just one between you this week.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Your four are...
0:20:54 > 0:20:59President Xi Jinping, wrestler Joey Ryan, Father Christmas,
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- and Ainsley Harriott. - RING!
0:21:02 > 0:21:05They've all bought sections of British industry.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07PAUL LAUGHS
0:21:07 > 0:21:08Except three of them(!)
0:21:10 > 0:21:12KIRSTY: They're all pretending to be people.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16So Ainsley Harriott, of course, was stupidly put in place of Lenny Henry.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20- Mm-hm.- Who by?- ITV! - By an ITV reporter.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22That's not the right answer.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- Being mistaken...- For the wrong person?- On ITV?
0:21:25 > 0:21:26They've done it three times.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29They thought Santa was the leader of the Labour Party.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33- OK.- It's about mistaken news reports. - The level of charity
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- you have to give us is more or less the answer.- OK.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40OK, they've all been the subject of mistakes in news reports this week.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44- Apart from?- Santa?- No.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- The Chinese Prime Minister?- No. - The guy in the trunks?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50- He's the only one left!- Yes!- Yes!
0:21:50 > 0:21:52We got it! Well done!
0:21:52 > 0:21:54- APPLAUSE - There's only one left!
0:21:54 > 0:21:57I didn't think you'd get that, but well done, yes!
0:21:57 > 0:22:01They've all been the subject of mistakes in news reports this week,
0:22:01 > 0:22:03apart from wrestler Joey Ryan, who definitely did
0:22:03 > 0:22:05what the press reported he'd done.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15- OK, you haven't got film of that? - Sounds pretty unbelievable.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- We do have film of it.- Oh, yes!
0:22:18 > 0:22:22- Ooh!- A long night out there.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Let's have a look.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47That's the best production of King Lear I've ever seen.
0:22:49 > 0:22:54Too late to put him in for Sports Personality of the Year?
0:22:54 > 0:22:58The resignation of Chinese president Xi Jinping was mistakenly reported
0:22:58 > 0:22:59due to a typo this week.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02The Chinese language is notoriously hard to navigate.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05For instance, whenever George Osborne should be saying,
0:23:05 > 0:23:06"Your human rights record stinks,"
0:23:06 > 0:23:09it comes out as, "Would you like to buy our country?"
0:23:13 > 0:23:16ITV News were forced to apologise after using footage of TV chef
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Ainsley Harriott in a news report about Lenny Henry
0:23:19 > 0:23:21receiving his knighthood.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Easy to make a mistake like that when you're not paying any attention.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29So Lenny Henry's investiture by the Queen at Windsor went without
0:23:29 > 0:23:32a hitch, apart from one moment when they could just hear the muffled
0:23:32 > 0:23:36sound of Prince Philip shouting, "Why have you locked me in this cupboard?"
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Norwegian newspaper Aftenposten apologised this week
0:23:41 > 0:23:45for accidentally announcing the death of Father Christmas.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48They blamed the blunder on...
0:23:56 > 0:23:59There was another Christmas-related error this week.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02This is a homeowner who decorated their house with fake snow
0:24:02 > 0:24:05on their upstairs window to read "Let it snow."
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Unfortunately, when viewed from the front it reads simply
0:24:08 > 0:24:09"Tits now."
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Punctuation is so important!
0:24:21 > 0:24:25Time now for the missing words round, which this week features
0:24:25 > 0:24:27as its guest publication British Kebab,
0:24:27 > 0:24:31the magazine of the British kebab industry.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33You're never quite sure what's in it.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37And we start with...
0:24:39 > 0:24:40Istanbul.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Was this a big scandal story,
0:24:44 > 0:24:48was it the winner of best kebab outside of London
0:24:48 > 0:24:50was actually inside London?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53The answer is the winner of best kebab outside London was...
0:24:57 > 0:25:00At the same ceremony, Ali Dirik, winner of the prestigious
0:25:00 > 0:25:03chef of the year award, gave a moving acceptance speech
0:25:03 > 0:25:05which went as follows.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12APPLAUSE
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Careful. As a kebab chef, you should know
0:25:15 > 0:25:17what goes around comes around.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Next...
0:25:22 > 0:25:26"Are your goldfish sabotaging your country?" says Donald Trump.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30- Sabotaging your sex life. - Yes. Sex life.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32- Yes?- No.- That's good.
0:25:32 > 0:25:37A bit revealing, though, Kirsty weighed in quite so fast.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38What's going on in that house?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Something you want to unburden yourself with?
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Come on, Kirsty, answer the question!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46The answer is...
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Next...
0:25:50 > 0:25:51The kebab.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53- Correct!- Oh, no!
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Really?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57This is from British Kebab,
0:25:57 > 0:26:01and let's face it, Boris knows all about making rash decisions
0:26:01 > 0:26:04late at night that you'll regret in the morning.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Next...
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- It's her arm.- It is!
0:26:11 > 0:26:14It's a sacrifice she made early on in the fashion industry
0:26:14 > 0:26:17because you look better if you just do this.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23I have done a certain amount of modelling.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26It's actually the riddle of Posh's missing right arm.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28There she is.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34That's going to be a bit sultry if you go out at nine o'clock, Ian,
0:26:34 > 0:26:37- if you keep doing that.- Oh, right, I won't smile then.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43There is a simple explanation for all these pictures.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46She's hiding a pie.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47And finally...
0:26:53 > 0:26:54Pee upside down?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- Pee...- Pee.- You're right about pee.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Pee before he goes and then wait for a couple of months.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Pee into his costume, his suit.
0:27:03 > 0:27:04Costume?!
0:27:06 > 0:27:08The answer is...
0:27:12 > 0:27:15British astronaut Tim Peake heads to the International Space Station
0:27:15 > 0:27:17next week. Before he goes he will do this ritual.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18According to the Guardian...
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Although to be fair he himself was just following a tradition
0:27:25 > 0:27:27set by Laika, the Soviet space dog.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34So the final scores are Paul and Andy have five points,
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Ian and Kirsty have six points.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39APPLAUSE
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Oh, my God. My varicose veins are killing me!
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Never mind, think of a caption.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01And I'll leave you with news that in Carlisle there are signs
0:28:01 > 0:28:05that life is finally returning to normal after one cheery resident
0:28:05 > 0:28:07pops out to do some Christmas shopping on the high street.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13In Zurich, investigators into the FIFA corruption scandal
0:28:13 > 0:28:17fear Sepp Blatter may have evaded the authorities after making use
0:28:17 > 0:28:18of an ingenious decoy.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25And Nigel Farage proves he's still a force to be reckoned with
0:28:25 > 0:28:29after once again being the last man standing at the Ukip Christmas party.
0:28:33 > 0:28:34Good night.