0:00:26 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41I'm Charlie Brooker.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45In the news this week... In Manchester, a low-paid barista
0:00:45 > 0:00:48prepares George Osborne his post-speech latte.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54LAUGHTER
0:01:00 > 0:01:03MORE LAUGHTER
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Rugby fans react to the sad news that England have been
0:01:05 > 0:01:08knocked out of the World Cup.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11LAUGHTER
0:01:14 > 0:01:16And in the Bake Off final,
0:01:16 > 0:01:18one of the competitors wrecks her chances with
0:01:18 > 0:01:22her attempt to render Mary Berry's face in chocolate meringue.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25LAUGHTER
0:01:28 > 0:01:33On Ian's team tonight is a comedian whose latest show is genuinely
0:01:33 > 0:01:36called Long Word...Long Word... Blah Blah Blah...I'm So Clever.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40So please welcome First Name Second Name Whatever, Nish Kumar.
0:01:40 > 0:01:45APPLAUSE
0:01:45 > 0:01:48And with Paul tonight is an MP who, throughout her political career,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51has been known as a left-wing firebrand,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54but is now known as a wishy-washy, middle-of-the-road moderate.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Please welcome Diane Abbott.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00APPLAUSE
0:02:00 > 0:02:02And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Paul and Diane, take a look at this.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Ah, yes, this is the new Labour Party. George Osborne says
0:02:09 > 0:02:11the natural party of the Labour movement is the Tories now.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14And so, therefore, Labour doesn't need to bother cos the Tories will
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- do all the good work for them. - I won't say anything about Osborne
0:02:17 > 0:02:20or Cameron because Jeremy has told us it's all got to be a gentler,
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- kinder politics.- Gentler kind of politics. Absolutely.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26- Are you really going to stick to that?- Well, for a few minutes.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Yes, this is the Conservative Party Conference..
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Oh, the Conservative party? Sorry, I got it completely wrong.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35It's the Conservative Party Conference, a parade of would-be
0:02:35 > 0:02:38successors to David Cameron trying desperately to out-shit one another.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Yes, indeed.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Iain Duncan Smith - what did he warn the candidates not to do?
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Not to be Conservatives!
0:02:45 > 0:02:49- But it's something you wouldn't expect a Tory Conference to be.- Fun!
0:02:49 > 0:02:50LAUGHTER
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- Beauty parade. - Absolutely.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Um...he did...
0:02:55 > 0:02:59He did warn them not to turn the Conference into a beauty parade,
0:02:59 > 0:03:02because they're all vying for position to take over David Cameron.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06- Do you want to see one of the beauties he was referring to?- Yes.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09LAUGHTER
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- What's wrong with him? - NISH: I recognise that stance.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Osborne lost bowel control.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16LAUGHTER I've been there!
0:03:16 > 0:03:20He's certainly emitting something cos he's blowing that flag back
0:03:20 > 0:03:23quite spectacularly.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27I don't know if you saw but some WAGs on social media rather cruelly
0:03:27 > 0:03:30made fun of Osborne's awkward stance.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35LAUGHTER
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Do you want to see a picture of Theresa May?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39She's picked up some tips from George Osborne.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:03:44 > 0:03:47NISH: Can you catch haemorrhoids?
0:03:47 > 0:03:49If you've got a tennis racket and a steady hand.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53LAUGHTER
0:03:53 > 0:03:56There were three contenders to be the next leader
0:03:56 > 0:03:59and two of them had got the message that you gotta be nice this year,
0:03:59 > 0:04:02and no-one had told Theresa.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04So she did full-on nasty.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07And everyone looked round saying, "Oh, really!"
0:04:07 > 0:04:12Traditionally the Home Secretary at the Tory Conference goes sort of mad
0:04:12 > 0:04:15and appeals to the audience and no-one minds.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17But this year they're all nice - they're like you.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19You have changed politics.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- SHE LAUGHS - Thank you.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24What I thought was amazing... LAUGHTER
0:04:24 > 0:04:28What I thought was amazing about Theresa is she spent her speech
0:04:28 > 0:04:30ranting on about how there are too many immigrants in the country.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34You would never have thought she'd been Home Secretary for five years.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Yeah, you'd think if only there'd been someone in a position of power
0:04:37 > 0:04:40who could have stopped this...happening.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Oh, it's you.
0:04:42 > 0:04:47She said she was not going to allow EU migrant quotas...
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Which is terrifying cos that means she's planning to
0:04:52 > 0:04:54rule for a millennium.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Why do you think she said it now about migrants?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00People are saying she's going to position herself to say
0:05:00 > 0:05:03we need to come out of the EU to stop all these migrants coming in.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Although they won't stop me and you cos we're already here.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Bad luck, Theresa!
0:05:07 > 0:05:11I'm here taking up a white comedian's job right now!
0:05:11 > 0:05:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:16 > 0:05:18George Osborne is the other pretender to the crown.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21He's a surprising person, George Osborne.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23He was revealing his musical tastes.
0:05:23 > 0:05:28- Yes, he was. Do you know who he's a big fan of?- Oh, yeah.- NW..A?
0:05:28 > 0:05:34- NWA.- Who Ian and I are both massive fans of.- Massive fans.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38- What are your top seven NWA tracks? - Top seven?
0:05:38 > 0:05:39LAUGHTER
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Make it top six, give 'em a chance!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- Should we be that surprised? - Yes, we should.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49It's just cos, like, NWA and the music they made
0:05:49 > 0:05:53and Straight Outta Compton all came out of a group of people who felt
0:05:53 > 0:05:56really disenfranchised and disengaged and abandoned by society.
0:05:56 > 0:06:01And is this George Osborne's way of cultivating UK hip-hop?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Like, what he's been trying to do is cut off the poorest people
0:06:04 > 0:06:07in society, make them feel really angry,
0:06:07 > 0:06:10and then maybe we'll get a better class of rap music.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:13 > 0:06:15That's a genius scheme.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18In an interview with the Mail On Sunday, George Osborne
0:06:18 > 0:06:20revealed he's a fan of rap
0:06:20 > 0:06:23and has even entertained Dr Dre at Downing Street.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Although he did fall out with Dr Dre over his plans to make him work
0:06:26 > 0:06:28a seven-day week.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30During...
0:06:30 > 0:06:31LAUGHTER
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Just imagining Junior Dr Dre. He's really tired.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36"Oh, God."
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Tired Rap is actually a genre.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40- Is it?- No.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:45 > 0:06:47According to the Telegraph,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50who strongly supports Osborne's severe cuts on the low paid?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Ice Cube.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54LAUGHTER
0:06:54 > 0:06:56IDS Cube.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59LAUGHTER
0:06:59 > 0:07:01He's another of the top rappers.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05- Really? - He turns up the volume.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08LAUGHTER
0:07:08 > 0:07:12It was Iain Duncan Smith. He said:
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Sticking with popularity contests,
0:07:20 > 0:07:23what did Jeremy Hunt say to endear himself to the population this week?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26He said the British people should work harder.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30They should work more like the Chinese?
0:07:30 > 0:07:34- He said Asians.- No, he said Chinese. - He said Chinese specifically?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36It's not all about you.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37LAUGHTER
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Give some other people a break.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Honestly! Stealing Chinese victimhood.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:51 > 0:07:55And Boris gave a speech afterwards. What was different about his speech?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57He stood up properly.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02His speech was even more to the centre than everyone else's.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04And he talked a lot about standing up for the low-paid
0:08:04 > 0:08:05and the downtrodden.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08What was his slightly outrageous claim?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10He said...
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Do you live longer, or does it feel longer?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24What were alternative champions of the low-paid
0:08:24 > 0:08:27and downtrodden doing outside the conference hall?
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Saying really nice things to people as they went past.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Is that true?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- Not really. - Did you disapprove of them, Diane?
0:08:35 > 0:08:39- Yes.- They're not kindly and nice, are they?- They're anarchists.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40They're the anarchists.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44They were shouting, "Tory scum" and throwing things at Boris.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47CROWD BOO
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Boris did kind of shrug it off.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54He said that he had received a warm welcome from
0:08:54 > 0:08:56the people of Manchester.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59He claimed they were chanting...
0:09:05 > 0:09:07And we all know where.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12David Cameron was the main act.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16How did you feel about him having a go at your friend Jeremy Corbyn?
0:09:16 > 0:09:22Well, it's certainly not the kinder, gentler politics.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25He did say in his speech, of Jeremy Corbyn, he said...
0:09:32 > 0:09:34This was in reference to an interview Corbyn
0:09:34 > 0:09:37gave in 2011 where he said it was a tragedy Bin Laden had been
0:09:37 > 0:09:40assassinated rather than tried in an international court.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43BBC News didn't mention that nuance in their coverage of
0:09:43 > 0:09:44Cameron's speech
0:09:44 > 0:09:46because they're still got a licence fee to defend.
0:09:46 > 0:09:52APPLAUSE
0:09:52 > 0:09:54There was this real kind of frontal assault
0:09:54 > 0:09:59to demonise Jeremy. "Britain hating..." "Terrorist loving..."
0:09:59 > 0:10:01"Eats babies..."
0:10:01 > 0:10:03There's such a thing as over-doing things,
0:10:03 > 0:10:05in my view.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08He might as well have called him, "Jihadi Jez".
0:10:08 > 0:10:10NISH: That was my wrestling name.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14That's a brilliant wrestling name.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I want to know what everyone's wrestling name would be.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18His-slap.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Very good.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- Paul Megaton. - No. Susan Hampshire.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30I didn't get a lot of work.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Internet star Liz Truss was at the conference.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37She made an eagerly awaited speech on the subject of agriculture
0:10:37 > 0:10:41- and the environment. - Children are at the heart of this.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Thanks to our new rigorous national curriculum children will be learning
0:10:44 > 0:10:49about where food comes from and the proper names of trees and animals.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57The proper name for a tree.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59"This is Gerald."
0:11:04 > 0:11:06This is the Tory Party Conference.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08during the conference the Daily Mirror did its best to
0:11:08 > 0:11:11damage David Cameron with this front page expose.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19I'm not sure that's THE picture he doesn't want you to see.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22According to no-one.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Definitely, definitely didn't happen. Anyway, Ian and Nish,
0:11:25 > 0:11:27take a look at this.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32That's Theresa May's ideal view of England.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Looks lovely. Oh, there's a paper bag.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37And caring youths didn't pick it up.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39And that's more paper bags.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41There's going to be a 5p charge on paper bags.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43As of now.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47- Plastic bags.- Plastic bags. You see, I followed it closely.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Yes, it's the end of the world as we know it
0:11:48 > 0:11:51because English plastic bags now cost 5p.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Can I actually just, quickly...
0:11:53 > 0:11:58It's important I say "sorry" to viewers in Scotland and Wales
0:11:58 > 0:12:00because they've been paying 5p for plastic bags for years
0:12:00 > 0:12:03we just heard nothing about it because they're not massive
0:12:03 > 0:12:06pedantic miserly cry-babies.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Plastic bags take 1,000 years to degrade.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13That's a very exact number, isn't it?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16By that time Theresa May will still be in power.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21They're warning of chaos because people are saying that the
0:12:21 > 0:12:23rules are quite complicated.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26You won't be charged for a bag if you're buying some things.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30- What are they?- Meat. - Unwrapped meat. Axe-heads.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33You're not going to try
0:12:33 > 0:12:36and charge someone who's buying an axe-head anyway.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Also, more fool you if you're putting your axe-head in a
0:12:39 > 0:12:41plastic bag.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47There's also goods contaminated by soil, like potatoes, but if
0:12:47 > 0:12:52you put just one un-exempt item in your bag then you do have to pay.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53So, with that in mind,
0:12:53 > 0:12:55who would like to play a game I just made up...
0:12:55 > 0:12:59- Yeah...- called, "5p or not 5p? That is the question."?
0:13:02 > 0:13:07I'll describe the contents of my imaginary shopping bag
0:13:07 > 0:13:09and you buzz in and tell me
0:13:09 > 0:13:14whether it's 5p or not 5p, because that is the question.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16So, I've just done my weekly shop.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18I'm planning a quiet night in on my own.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21What's happened to the wife, then?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24She's left me. She's left me. I didn't want to bring it up.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26But she's left me.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Thanks, Paul. She's left me!
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I've just done my weekly shop...
0:13:31 > 0:13:34and I'm planning a quiet night in on my own.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37So I've bought some dirty potatoes, some anti-depressants,
0:13:37 > 0:13:40a goldfish, an axe, a packet of cornflakes and a pig's head.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42I've put them all in one bag.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46So my question is, "Is that 5p or not 5p?"
0:13:46 > 0:13:47BUZZER
0:13:47 > 0:13:51- That's 5p.- No. The answer is not 5p.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Not 5p, because... Why did you think it was 5p?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Because it felt like something to say to get this
0:13:56 > 0:13:59bit of the programme over as quickly as possible.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04- Cornflakes threw me on the wrong path.- Cornflakes.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Well, actually, technically you would have normally been right,
0:14:07 > 0:14:11but what you didn't realise is I do my weekly shop at a store
0:14:11 > 0:14:14that employs fewer than 250 full-time staff
0:14:14 > 0:14:19and hasn't chosen to opt into the 5p bag scheme, so who looks stupid now?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Well... It's...
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I think it's exactly that pedantic attitude that led your wife
0:14:27 > 0:14:31- to leave you. - She hasn't left me.- She has.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34She's moved in with me and the missus.
0:14:34 > 0:14:40The Mail On Sunday did come up with a cunning way round the 5p charge.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- Do you know what it was? - Starve yourself to death.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Eat immigrants.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Keep a plastic bag at home and take it to the shops with you.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51You know what, stunningly they said...
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Which, of course, is the entire point.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Mail On Sunday readers are presumably also stunned to know
0:15:03 > 0:15:05you can get round speed cameras
0:15:05 > 0:15:06just by slowing down.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Taking the Mail On Sunday's advice on board,
0:15:10 > 0:15:14can anyone think of any other ways around the 5p charge?
0:15:14 > 0:15:15I'll give you a clue -
0:15:15 > 0:15:19the Welsh have come up with a particularly ingenious solution.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Have dragons carry your shopping.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28They've just been keeping the metal shopping basket instead.
0:15:31 > 0:15:37One Tesco store in Denbighshire in Wales had 97% of its baskets
0:15:37 > 0:15:39taken in 2012.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41That is a lot of baskets. Luckily, they're easy to recycle -
0:15:41 > 0:15:44you just chuck them in a canal and walk off.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47This is the news that English plastic bags
0:15:47 > 0:15:48will now coast 5p each.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52It's claimed Sainsbury's are using a legal loophole which means
0:15:52 > 0:15:54they don't have to give any of the profits from the bags
0:15:54 > 0:15:56to good causes. Well done, Sainsbury's.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Taste The Indifference.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03The bag charge is partly an attempt to reduce litter.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05One woman told the Independent...
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Well, to be fair, using a plastic bag is the most efficient way
0:16:11 > 0:16:13of keeping all those kittens together.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:16:15 > 0:16:18So, we move to round two - the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Fingers on buzzers, please, teams.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24BUZZER
0:16:24 > 0:16:26NISH: I don't know what is going on,
0:16:26 > 0:16:29but the man on the right looks like a handsome version of me.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33And he's really delighted,
0:16:33 > 0:16:36cos he's met Shaggy from Scooby-Doo on the left.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39It's the Great British Bake Off,
0:16:39 > 0:16:41and the lady in the middle is the winner.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Everyone should know that.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44Is that a policy?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46No, it's a fact!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- It's a fact.- It's a fact? Oh, right.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Er, it is the news that Nadiya Hussain
0:16:50 > 0:16:54has captured the nation's heart by winning the Great British Bake Off.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56- Did anyone see it?- No, I didn't, no.
0:16:56 > 0:16:57Not interested in it.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58SHE GASPS
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Why... Why not?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02I suppose it's the idea of people baking cakes
0:17:02 > 0:17:04that I find quite boring.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08APPLAUSE
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Do you want to see her winning moment?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15- No. No, thank you.- Yes!
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Yes, we do - we've got to be informed.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20I am never, ever going to put boundaries on myself ever again.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22I'm never going to say I can't do it.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24I'm never going to say maybe.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27I cried when I saw it. I genuinely...
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- People think I experience no emotion...- Mm.- Oh, not love.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34- ..including those closest to me... - Depression.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36We've already established that the people closest to you
0:17:36 > 0:17:39are no longer there, so...
0:17:39 > 0:17:42How has Nadiya's achievement been received?
0:17:42 > 0:17:43Putin was ecstatic.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51The Mail's resident charmer Amanda Platell did her own bit of stirring,
0:17:51 > 0:17:54complaining about the multicultural make-up of the three finalists.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56THEY GROAN She won't like this panel, then!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58She said... She'd be furious.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01She wrote, "Now we're down to the final three,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03"it's certainly a PC triumph.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05"We are left with Muslim mum Nadiya Hussain,
0:18:05 > 0:18:06"gay doctor Tamal Ray,
0:18:06 > 0:18:11"and new man Ian Cumming..." He's not new, he looks about 60!
0:18:11 > 0:18:14"Poor Flora Shedden never stood a chance.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17"She was far too middle class." And she added...
0:18:22 > 0:18:26Daily Mail reader online were predictably up in arms about this.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29My favourite comment regarding Nadiya's victory was simply...
0:18:36 > 0:18:40Nice people achieving things. Got to be stopped.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43It is quite weird that she's been hailed as a cultural ambassador
0:18:43 > 0:18:46because she's a woman in a hijab who's won a baking contest,
0:18:46 > 0:18:50because I suppose usually Muslims usually get such a bad press -
0:18:50 > 0:18:51basically, on TV,
0:18:51 > 0:18:54we're not used to seeing someone of Middle Eastern appearance
0:18:54 > 0:18:55staring anxiously at a timer.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Unless you're watching 24.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Anyway, this is the winner of the Great British Bake Off.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Nadiya Hussain shrugged off racist abuse telling her to go back
0:19:08 > 0:19:09to where she came from,
0:19:09 > 0:19:13saying she's not going back to Luton for anyone.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Complaining about BBC political correctness, the Sun revealed
0:19:16 > 0:19:19that contestants on the new series of the Apprentice include...
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Now, that's what I call a minority.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Fingers on buzzers again.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Yes.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35BUZZER
0:19:35 > 0:19:36It's Edward Snowden.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Is he ringing down to reception
0:19:38 > 0:19:41because he's got a cheap mirror that doesn't reflect his image?
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Oh, my God!
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- He's a vampire!- He's a vampire.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50It's the news that former CIA employee and whistle-blower
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Edward Snowden has given his first interview to the BBC.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- Yes, on Panorama.- Mm-hm.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Which is another BBC programme - rather like Bake Off.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Have we got five minutes of it?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00In the interview, he alleged
0:20:00 > 0:20:02that the British intelligence services can do what?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04He said that they've got unprecedented access
0:20:04 > 0:20:05to your smartphone.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08GCHQ can make your phone turn itself on,
0:20:08 > 0:20:13it can photograph you, it tells GCHQ where you are.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16The software inside most people's mobile phones
0:20:16 > 0:20:18can record all of what you're doing.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22While Snowden was chatting away to the Beeb in a hotel room,
0:20:22 > 0:20:25how was a weather girl in his chosen country of Russia
0:20:25 > 0:20:28helping out Putin with the Syrian war?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Predicting clear skies?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- Yes!- Really?- Yes!
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- Do you want to see it?- Yeah, I think I should, actually.- Yeah.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38For a moment I thought I'd made it up.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40IN RUSSIAN:
0:21:03 > 0:21:05I think the temperature's rather higher than that
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- during the firestorm.- Yes.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12I mean, this is jolly weather for the Russian Air Force
0:21:12 > 0:21:15to bomb the hell out Syria and create another billion refugees.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17She looks jolly happy.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Yes, this is ex-CIA employee
0:21:22 > 0:21:25and whistle-blower Edward Snowden's revelation
0:21:25 > 0:21:27that GCHQ can now hack into your smartphone
0:21:27 > 0:21:28and take total control of it.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Without exception, newspapers expressed amazement -
0:21:31 > 0:21:34all they can do is listen to your voicemails.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- Meanwhile, the Daily Mail reported...- She's innocent.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Meanwhile, the Daily Mail reported that the Russians
0:21:41 > 0:21:45have launched a brand-new supersonic cruise missile called...
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Can't wait for KFC's lawyers to kick off about that brand infringement.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Time now of the Odd One Out round - it's one between you this week.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54Your four are...
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Ian Paisley...
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Margaret Thatcher...
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Concorde...
0:21:58 > 0:21:59And Helen Mirren.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01BUZZER
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Is Concorde the odd one out, because it's not waving?
0:22:07 > 0:22:10It's about 10,000 times better than the actual answer.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11It always is.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Can we have a clue?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Well, it's Helen Mirren. But it's what she...
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- That's more the answer.- It's...
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Is she the odd one out because all the rest of them
0:22:23 > 0:22:26are things that have been played by Helen Mirren?
0:22:28 > 0:22:31What has she recently declared she's going to give up?
0:22:31 > 0:22:32Low-fat yoghurt.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Tell us what she's giving up and we'll work round to the answer.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37She's giving up nudity.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- How's she going to have a bath? - What does she do...?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48What does she do that the others...?
0:22:48 > 0:22:49She's an actress.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- What sort of roles does she play? - She was a detective.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54She was the Queen.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57She's not going to play the Queen naked any more!
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- Is anyone going to get this? - No.- No, tell us.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06They're all people or things that the Queen is good at mimicking,
0:23:06 > 0:23:09apart from Helen Mirren, who's good at mimicking the Queen.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11What?
0:23:11 > 0:23:12Concorde?
0:23:12 > 0:23:18That's... Apparently, the Queen is good at mimicking Concorde.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Erm...
0:23:21 > 0:23:23According to Bishop Michael Mann...
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Oh, don't listen to him? He's never off it.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Apparently...
0:23:32 > 0:23:36- Oh, she does the visuals, as well, does she?- She does the visuals.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Do you know what other impressions she has in her repertoire?
0:23:38 > 0:23:41- Well, obviously, Ian Paisley.- Mm-hm.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44In the 1980s, her favourite impressions were said to include...
0:23:49 > 0:23:52She doesn't do that last one quite as much these days.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Now at Her Majesty's pleasure somewhere else.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00When the Queen is rehearsing for the state opening of Parliament
0:24:00 > 0:24:02and her crown isn't available for some reason,
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- what does she put on her head? - A tea cosy.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Weighted to simulate exactly the crown.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11- That's not as crazy...- Oh, no!
0:24:13 > 0:24:16It's a sack of flour. A sack of flour!
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Because it's the equivalent weight of the crown
0:24:19 > 0:24:20and it helps her prepare for the ceremony.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Yes, they are all people or things that the Queen is good at mimicking,
0:24:23 > 0:24:26apart from Helen Mirren, who is good at mimicking the Queen.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28A lot of people now can't look at the Queen
0:24:28 > 0:24:30without thinking of Helen Mirren, especially Prince Philip.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:24:34 > 0:24:38which this week features as its guest publication The Torch,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41the newsletter of the Blowtorch Collectors' Association.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Can we start with...
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Set me on fire with a blowtorch.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Even though my wife told me she was Ronnie Pickering, I still love her.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04This is from the newsletter of the Blowtorch Collectors' Association.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Ted and Rose Mare have been happily married for 45 years,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10and the only misunderstanding they've had in that time
0:25:10 > 0:25:13is when she asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he said,
0:25:13 > 0:25:15"Oh, any chance of a blowtorch, love?"
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Next...
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Seeks similar.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- Got a long wait. - Yeah, long wait, yes.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32It's actually...
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Obviously.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Bert Jansen, a Dutch artist and the man who brought you this...
0:25:44 > 0:25:46..is planning on creating a one-person aircraft
0:25:46 > 0:25:48in the shape of a cow.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Jeremy Corbyn is desperately hoping he'll be able to make pigs fly
0:25:51 > 0:25:53just in time for the next election.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Next...
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Because it was a panda car!
0:26:07 > 0:26:09No, it's actually...
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Yes, a man in Russia this week was spotted by police
0:26:15 > 0:26:18driving with a bear in the back of his car.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20He was on way to woods, on urgent mission.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Next...
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Everybody goes home.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34They've run out of gas!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- You were right the first time. - Oh, no!
0:26:47 > 0:26:49The event includes...
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Oh, God, not creme brulee again!
0:26:54 > 0:26:55And finally...
0:26:58 > 0:26:59- Love.- Porridge.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Nothing.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10I'd cancel the tour.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12No, it's actually...
0:27:14 > 0:27:17A new study has revealed that Scots are more likely to forego alcohol
0:27:17 > 0:27:20than deny potatoes a place on their tables.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21According to The Scotsman,
0:27:21 > 0:27:2534% of Scots would choose to eat potatoes on their deathbed.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29It's too late to start eating vegetables then, you idiots!
0:27:31 > 0:27:33So our final scores are...
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Ian and Nish, four points.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37But Paul and Diane, five points.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Well done.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41APPLAUSE
0:27:48 > 0:27:51But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54I woke up this morning feeling a little HORSE.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02And I leave you with news that, at a high-level summit,
0:28:02 > 0:28:03the Iranian ambassador can't wait
0:28:03 > 0:28:06for the results of his exploding chair prank...
0:28:12 > 0:28:14..a leaked photo from the set of the new Star Wars film
0:28:14 > 0:28:18suggests that stress counselling has worked wonders for Darth Vader...
0:28:22 > 0:28:26..and, finally, a man who thought he'd fulfilled his life's ambitions
0:28:26 > 0:28:28wakes up to discover, sadly, it was all a dream...
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Goodnight.