0:00:37 > 0:00:39Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42I'm Sue Perkins, and in the news this week,
0:00:42 > 0:00:44relaxing on holiday after handing in his resignation,
0:00:44 > 0:00:48the boss of Volkswagen lets his wife have a drag on his pipe.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59After his report into airport expansion is thrown out by David Cameron,
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Sir Howard Davies admits he may have overreacted.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04I have dumped on his desk.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09And as the media scrutinises his every move for blunders,
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Jeremy Corbyn takes time out
0:01:10 > 0:01:14at his friend's electrical appliance warehouse at the weekend.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
0:01:22 > 0:01:26who says she cried at the end of Bake Off. We all cried.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29I was inconsolable. I put 50 quid on Tamal to win.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Please welcome Roisin Conaty.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38And with Paul tonight is the man
0:01:38 > 0:01:40recently chosen as the Labour candidate
0:01:40 > 0:01:43for the London mayor. Charismatic and good-looking...
0:01:43 > 0:01:45are just two of Zac Goldsmith's
0:01:45 > 0:01:46attributes that he's going to need to
0:01:46 > 0:01:50overcome. Please welcome Sadiq Khan.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55And we're going to start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Paul and Sadiq, take a look at this.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02That's not a U-turn. It's the impression of a U-turn.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04That's the shadow chancellor, John McDonald.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- That's George Osborne.- Yes. - This is the fiscal charter,
0:02:07 > 0:02:11which was John's clever plan to give the impression he was going to
0:02:11 > 0:02:14support it, but really we were going to oppose it.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16We're going to call it what it is.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- It's a U-turn...- That's outrageous...- Deal with it.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21..on supporting George Osborne's charter for budget responsibility.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Can anyone first of all tell me what Osborne's Charter is?
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Yeah, he's trying to make law the fact that you have to run a budget
0:02:28 > 0:02:31surplus even in the good times. It's an absolutely ridiculous idea
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- in the first place. - Basically it's bollocks.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38- Is that a political term? - That's the
0:02:38 > 0:02:40level of economic analysis you're going to get.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43The Chancellor's target was balancing the books by 2020
0:02:43 > 0:02:48and then running a surplus every following year in normal times.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50We've got tens of billions of pounds' worth of deficit,
0:02:50 > 0:02:52so George Osborne is breaking his own rules.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55And has broken every prediction he's made since 2010.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58So would it have been a good idea to say that originally?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02It's not the means that matters, it's the end.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04And we got there in the end, Ian.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06I know you're the politician,
0:03:06 > 0:03:10but I always thought the opposition was there to...oppose.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Two weeks ago at the Labour conference,
0:03:12 > 0:03:14shadow chancellor John McDonnell
0:03:14 > 0:03:17said Labour would support Osborne's plan.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Why did he then say that? Come on.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- No shilly-shallying.- Erm...
0:03:21 > 0:03:22It was part of the cunning plan.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Oh, yeah. OK.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27I don't think this Baldrick thing is going to work.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Well, because it is a gimmick, John said it's complete rubbish and
0:03:31 > 0:03:33so we'll just go along to the chamber
0:03:33 > 0:03:35and support it because it's just nonsense.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37What you're saying is the Labour Party was sort of like,
0:03:37 > 0:03:39"Oh, it's a trap. We're not falling for that."
0:03:39 > 0:03:41We're going to climb in it.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44And then embarrassingly get out.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46"It is a trap. Yeah.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48"Getting out of that trap that we said it was."
0:03:48 > 0:03:50- Just making sure.- During the debate,
0:03:50 > 0:03:54- how did he described his decision to reverse Labour's stance? - Embarrassing.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56- That one?- Was he a Dalek?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59He looked like, you know when you're hungover and you have a memory,
0:03:59 > 0:04:02and you go, "Oh, God, no," he just kept saying embarrassing.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Embarrassing.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Stop saying it, you're on telly.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10It was like he was having some kind of malfunction.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Sadiq, do you feel it's embarrassing?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Had I known I'd be doing this show on the Friday after,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19then I probably would have said no to this show.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- But, look...- Oh, it could be any week in the next 12.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31OK, so there was a meeting of the Parliamentary Labour Party on Monday
0:04:31 > 0:04:33night which the Telegraph described as "heated".
0:04:33 > 0:04:35- Why was that?- It's getting cold.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Once October comes...
0:04:39 > 0:04:41That's right, that's what it was.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Apparently several members stormed out when McDonald, McDonnell rather,
0:04:45 > 0:04:47announced his decision to reject the charter.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48One MP said...
0:04:52 > 0:04:56It was probably best summed up by Ben Bradshaw, who left the meeting
0:04:56 > 0:04:57saying...
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Although a McDonnell spokesman
0:05:01 > 0:05:03described the meeting as...
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Were you at this meeting?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09No, it's one of those meetings I missed.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13- Is that true?- I think the words are "plausible deniability".
0:05:14 > 0:05:15So, a lie, then.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Sadiq organised Ed's campaign so we can trust him.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Yeah.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25It's going to be a long night, isn't it?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Yeah, it is. Not as long as his.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Do you think it's... My own theory is...
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Go on to the next question. It's the same question all night.
0:05:35 > 0:05:40We are teasing it out. You ever feel that maybe this is all your fault?
0:05:40 > 0:05:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Honestly, that Bake Off image is gone for good.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53That would only be the case if you'd nominated Jeremy Corbyn for the
0:05:53 > 0:05:55leadership contest.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58You didn't, did you?
0:06:00 > 0:06:01I did. And I think...
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- You know, I think it's early days yet.- It is early days...
0:06:05 > 0:06:11- You didn't vote for him, though, did you?- No.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14So hang on. You nominated Jeremy Corbyn?
0:06:14 > 0:06:15- Yeah.- OK.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19And then you didn't vote for him, you went for Andy Burnham.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- Yeah.- And you also, as Ian said...
0:06:21 > 0:06:24You make it sound as if that was a trick question.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27This week we found out what
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Jeremy Corbyn's long-standing private engagement was
0:06:29 > 0:06:32that prevented him from meeting the Queen and the Privy Council.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- What was he up to?- He was on holiday in Scotland.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37He was having fish and chips and a soft drink at the Ben Nevis
0:06:37 > 0:06:40bar and restaurant in Fort William whilst on a walking holiday.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43We've got a picture of him relaxing with the pub landlords.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- Nice sweater.- You can see he's just
0:06:45 > 0:06:47smuggled six bags of cheese and onion crisps.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Right under the landlords' nose.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Cos he wasn't at the Privy Council, so he can't get told about
0:06:54 > 0:06:58threats like Syria and stuff like that, is that right?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- He doesn't get a security briefing. - Right.- Until he turns up.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- Right.- So he'll have to go at some stage.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05But he didn't go this week.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Who here has been to a Privy Council meeting?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- I have.- Yeah.- So what's needed?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12What do you need to do? What's the initiation ceremony?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14The first time you go in there, you swear an oath to the Queen.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17And is there any kissing involved, or kneeling?
0:07:17 > 0:07:21- I did both.- Were you required to do both?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24I was told those are the rules to get in.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- So you kiss the hand? - Yeah.- You don't...
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Isn't it you're supposed to brush your nose with it?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31No-one told me that so I kissed her hand.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I was told afterwards that I was supposed to have...
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Sorry, you met the Queen and you're supposed to do this?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Finally, why might Labour's deputy leader
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Tom Watson have been a bit too
0:07:46 > 0:07:50distracted this week to notice his party imploding?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52He's on full-time paedo duty.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59We're all thinking how to phrase it, Ian.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01I thought I'd do it technically.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04He's roaming round the country
0:08:04 > 0:08:07shouting through people's windows, "paedo!"
0:08:08 > 0:08:09I can see you in there.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Paedophile. Paedo.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Unfortunately some of the people he's shouting at
0:08:16 > 0:08:20aren't paedos. Which is a problem for him.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22- And everyone else.- This is the
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Labour Party beginning to fall apart with
0:08:25 > 0:08:29just five nail-biting years to go before the general election.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Diane Abbott attempted to defend Labour's U-turn on Radio 4's
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Today Programme, but instead, according to The Times...
0:08:38 > 0:08:42Leading many in the Labour Party to question her usefulness unless,
0:08:42 > 0:08:44of course, you want a game of battleships.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Ian and Roisin, take a look at this.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53It's a U-turn.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Well, this is the Tory U-turn.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Yes. We were going to provide a prison training
0:08:59 > 0:09:01service and they're going
0:09:01 > 0:09:03to advise Saudi Arabia on their jails.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05It's like, "Is your hand hurting from whipping?"
0:09:07 > 0:09:10It's just us sucking up to the Saudis yet again.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13But finally someone's called their bluff.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16You're absolutely right. This is the famous liberal Michael Gove
0:09:16 > 0:09:17affecting the government's...
0:09:17 > 0:09:19He is. It's a really liberal move.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Affecting the government's U-turn over supplying Saudi Arabia with
0:09:23 > 0:09:27consultancy advice for their prison system worth six million quid.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Why has Cameron U-turned?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Has he only just realised that
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Saudi Arabia execute 200 people a year?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35No, I think he was aware of it before.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36But he didn't care.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41It's partly, you know, the Labour Party have raised this issue.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Jeremy Corbyn mentioned it in his speech in Brighton.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46And lo and behold, two weeks later
0:09:46 > 0:09:49you've got this massive U-turn from the government.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52He challenged Cameron about the deal to help the Saudis to
0:09:52 > 0:09:54take control of the UN Committee on Human Rights
0:09:54 > 0:09:56when they were planning to behead a
0:09:56 > 0:09:59teenager for looking at things on the internet.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01This is Jon Snow taking Cameron to task.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04We in November did a deal with the Saudis,
0:10:04 > 0:10:07that we would back them joining the Human Rights Council of the
0:10:07 > 0:10:10United Nations, providing they backed us.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14This sounds a bit squalid for one of the most human rights-abusing
0:10:14 > 0:10:15regimes on earth.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Well, Saudi Arabia is a member of
0:10:17 > 0:10:19the United Nations but we completely
0:10:19 > 0:10:20- disagree with them.- Well, why did you
0:10:20 > 0:10:22want them inside the human rights...?
0:10:22 > 0:10:26We completely disagree with them about the punishment routines,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29about the death penalty, about those issues.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Well, why did you do this deal, then?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33They're not the right sort of people to be doing any sort of deal on
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- human rights.- We totally oppose their record in that area.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- Why did we do it?- Well, I say, we totally oppose their record.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- No, but why did we do it? - I've answered the question.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Well, that isn't an answer, is it?
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Was Saudi Arabia always called Saudi Arabia?
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- It was given to the Saud family, King Saud.- That's right.
0:10:53 > 0:10:58So it's as though England was known as Lizland.
0:10:59 > 0:11:04It sounds like a Queen-related theme park, Lizland.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Get a ride on the Duke of Edinburgh.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Can I just say, if Her Majesty is watching,
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- as a member of the Privy Council... - If she's watching?!
0:11:15 > 0:11:18..I apologise profusely for what your subjects are saying.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21She's not watching this, she's watching Piers Morgan
0:11:21 > 0:11:23interview the Bee Gees on Life Stories.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25If she is watching, she's saying,
0:11:25 > 0:11:29"There's the guy who snogged my hand as opposed to doing that."
0:11:29 > 0:11:31OK, we'll stay with the broad news.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Is that how we're referring to the Queen these days?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36"The broad". That's not very good, is it?
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Who wants Britain to stay in a broad?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Richard Branson, all sensible people,
0:11:42 > 0:11:43people who aren't xenophobes and
0:11:43 > 0:11:46people who like us to have jobs and growth in this country.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48You made a distinction between Richard Branson
0:11:48 > 0:11:49and all sensible people.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53Any other prominent names?
0:11:53 > 0:11:57What about Jeremy? He's got a bit of form on wanting to leave, hasn't he?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00I think you'll find we're definitely in favour of saving Europe, Ian.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02This week anyway.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08When can we expect a solid answer?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I think you've heard it here tonight,
0:12:10 > 0:12:13we're going to campaign to stay in the EU.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15This is a breaking news now?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18You've decided it on a comedy panel show?
0:12:18 > 0:12:21All former prime ministers, they're in.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22- Did you see that?- Yes.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26- They all agree.- Who haven't they got that they really want?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Mary Berry.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I couldn't possibly comment on her views on Europe, mainly...
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Can't get a sensible word out of her after about eight o'clock.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38What sort of words do you get after eight o'clock?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41So who can you think of that would really seal the deal?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- Boris Johnson.- Indeed.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- He went to a trade mission where? - He's in Japan.- Yeah.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50What did he say that was seized on by the press in regards to Europe?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Blah, blah, blah, Europe, Europe, Europe.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Blah, blah, blah, Europe, Europe, Europe. Blah, blah, blah.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Blah, blah, blah.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04He said...
0:13:06 > 0:13:10I don't know if he travels easyJet but that was the statement about it.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Where else has Britain been falling down in our dealings with abroad?
0:13:14 > 0:13:15Is it war?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20We've come up short in a war?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23We didn't turn up? We thought you said 11.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26In terms of diplomacy,
0:13:26 > 0:13:29what might one do when you visit somebody from a foreign land?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31You take along a gift of some kind.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Absolutely. According to Anna Soubry,
0:13:33 > 0:13:35we've given some very poor quality gifts.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37We, in return, received some quite nice gifts.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40What did the Queen get? What was she given in Fiji?
0:13:40 > 0:13:41Was it Fiji?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I've got one of these.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- A lake.- Small islands.- Not a lake.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53I was going to say something that swims at it but it doesn't,
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- something that perhaps is in a river.- A whale.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Yes, it is a whale, what bit of the whale?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59- What?- A bit of a whale.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00She got bits of whale?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03She got a bit of a whale.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04That's a, I mean...
0:14:04 > 0:14:07You can't get a whole whale - that's a massive gift.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09It makes sense, it's the whole whale.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10Do you have to still pretend you
0:14:10 > 0:14:12don't know what it is when you unwrap it?
0:14:14 > 0:14:15Is it a bike?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23That's the thing, when gift-wrapping a whale,
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- would you cover the blowhole or not? - I think you'd have to.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29For reasons of national security.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Otherwise you'd be giving it away, wouldn't you?
0:14:31 > 0:14:32- Obviously.- Your Christmas present
0:14:32 > 0:14:34has just eaten 5,000 tonnes of plankton.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39It wasn't a whole whale. Can I say, it was not a whole whale.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42You're saying it's not as bad cos it was wasn't a whole whale,
0:14:42 > 0:14:44that's why I'm upset. Was it just his eyes?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46No, slightly lower than the eyes.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48His nose. Do they have noses?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Was it a whale tooth?
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Yes, it was. In my sad universe,
0:14:52 > 0:14:55I like to think they painlessly extracted
0:14:55 > 0:14:57and then let it go on its way.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- Don't tell me. - This is for the Queen.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04No, they did it really nicely and there was music playing in the
0:15:04 > 0:15:06background. A really nice dentist.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Whale music.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14To calm him down as hundreds of his peers are watching.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Yeah. I don't know how big a...
0:15:16 > 0:15:22- How big would a whale's tooth be? - Oh, he'd have to adjust the chair.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Well, if you think a tooth from a sperm whale is good,
0:15:24 > 0:15:27what did the islanders of Tanna in the South Pacific give the
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Duke of Edinburgh?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Was it the rest of the whale? You can match them.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37I tell you this as a clue, I don't think he'd already got one of these.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Was it a Wham! album?
0:15:46 > 0:15:47- They gave him...- Yes?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52For the man who has everything.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Well, who has a straw penis, presumably.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Who's been getting a gift from the Russians, on a more serious note?
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Are you doing a gift in the real sense of a gift or like a bad gift?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05This is a bad gift.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- Oh, right, OK.- This is specifically about the gift from the Russians to
0:16:08 > 0:16:11President Assad of Syria.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12Russia has been bombing all of his
0:16:12 > 0:16:15opponents, including on occasions Isis.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20They started firing cruise missiles from the ships in the Caspian,
0:16:20 > 0:16:22930 miles away, and four missiles landed in...?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- Iran.- Iran, indeed.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Amazon missile - if you're not in, go next door.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:35 > 0:16:38This is the government's U-turn on the Saudi prison contract.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39Britain is involved in a row with
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Saudi Arabia over the cancellation of a
0:16:41 > 0:16:44prison deal and the threat to flog one of our citizens.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Saudi Arabia is not a sensible place for a bloke to drink alcohol
0:16:47 > 0:16:49because if you do get drunk,
0:16:49 > 0:16:51you can't even get your wife to drive you home.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58And so to round two, the one-armed bandit of news.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Here is the first one.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08BUZZER SOUNDS
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- Paul and Sadiq.- This is the news
0:17:11 > 0:17:13that from now on there will be no more
0:17:13 > 0:17:16nude woman in Playboy magazine.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Why have they come to that sensible decision?
0:17:18 > 0:17:21They're going to use actual rabbits now, but with human ears.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- And human bums.- Human bums?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Human bums. Human-bummed rabbits
0:17:28 > 0:17:30will be serving drinks from January 1st.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32They have actually realised...
0:17:32 > 0:17:35You'll know this, Ian, that the reason...
0:17:38 > 0:17:40It's down to the influence of online pornography.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Playboy CEO Scott Flanders told reporters...
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Just one click, Ian. One click away.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55In dropping nudity from the magazine,
0:17:55 > 0:17:57who are they now trying to appeal to?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59- Younger people.- Yes.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01- Specifically?- Children.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- Playbaby.- It's a job for Tom Watson.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13They actually said they want to appeal to...
0:18:13 > 0:18:17It's a kick in the teeth for all those rural masturbators.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26BUZZER SOUNDS
0:18:26 > 0:18:30An American woman, her nephew ran to her arms,
0:18:30 > 0:18:31and shouted, "I love you,"
0:18:31 > 0:18:35and as he landed on her, he broke her shoulder.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39This is like two years ago, and she is suing her nephew for £125,000.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Is right. This is indeed the news
0:18:41 > 0:18:43that a woman in the US who took her
0:18:43 > 0:18:4712-year-old nephew to court has been awarded zero damages.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Hooray.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Common sense has prevailed.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55And you rightly said that the aunt, Jennifer Connell,
0:18:55 > 0:18:57claimed her nephew had left her with a broken wrist.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Her lawyer claimed...
0:19:00 > 0:19:03But the nephew who was eight at the time of the hug...
0:19:04 > 0:19:08Crucially, as part of the evidence, how was poor aunt Jenny,
0:19:08 > 0:19:11as I think we should rightly refer to her,
0:19:11 > 0:19:12how is she still suffering from the hug?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15She finds it impossible to carry out a full Nazi salute.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Well, you're on the right track.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24- Am I?- She told the court at a recent dinner party she found it...
0:19:27 > 0:19:29That was just for starters.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35In other crime news, what happened to a man in Lima this week,
0:19:35 > 0:19:38who attempted to break into a shop in just his undercrackers?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Was it a trousers shop?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- Yes.- He went straight in,
0:19:42 > 0:19:45put on a pair of trousers and said "Thank goodness for that.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47"No-one can no see my under... crackers."
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Undercrackers. If only he'd got as far as the trouser shop.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54He actually got stuck and then got caught.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56- Wow.- Dear.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59On the plus side, he did win the Turner Prize.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04Here we go.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10BUZZER SOUNDS
0:20:10 > 0:20:13This is... The Times is now having a Latin crossword.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14What does that say in Latin?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17- What does that mean?- Quam famam...
0:20:17 > 0:20:20To you, I bring you, news.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21Have I Got News For You, it means.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Absolutely. The Times have finally
0:20:23 > 0:20:25printed their long-awaited sequel to the
0:20:25 > 0:20:271930 Latin crossword.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30And in waiting 85 years,
0:20:30 > 0:20:35they probably wanted the one person who started it to actually finish.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40The questions are a mix of straight and mildly cryptic clues,
0:20:40 > 0:20:43mainly in English with the answers in Latin.
0:20:43 > 0:20:4622 across is a particularly hard clue.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54I mean, I don't even understand the clue.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Presumably this is the sort of thing you would get
0:20:57 > 0:20:58at a new grammar school.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Yeah, and they'd probably knock it off in 20 minutes.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Yeah. Talking of grammar schools,
0:21:03 > 0:21:05does anybody know about the government plans
0:21:05 > 0:21:08to approve the first new grammar school in 50 years?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Yeah, it's an extension of the Weald of Kent School.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- Very good school.- Did you go to that school?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15You think I went to a grammar school?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21I'm so terribly sorry.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Gosh, we've had some rude people on the show...
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Forgive me, sir. This is the news
0:21:27 > 0:21:29that as part of their fight-back against
0:21:29 > 0:21:31the decline of print journalism,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33The Times have published a Latin crossword.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34It's hoped that this new puzzle
0:21:34 > 0:21:37will raise interest in Latin to negligible.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Really?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Time now for the odd one out round.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43It's just one between you this week.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- Oh, no.- And your four are...
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Sadiq Khan. There you are.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Michael Portillo. Jon Snow.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54And a Plectorhinchus caeruleonothus.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56This is about bastards.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59I thought you all had, like, teeth missing.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03It is about bastards.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06That's the clue because Jon Snow from Game of Thrones is a bastard.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Please do that voice again.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Please do the voice again.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- NORTHERN ACCENT:- Jon Snow, winter is coming.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19He's a bastard. Michael Portillo was described as a bastard by John Major
0:22:19 > 0:22:21when he rebelled.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22Sadiq Khan described the entire
0:22:22 > 0:22:24electorate as bastards
0:22:24 > 0:22:26when they didn't vote Ed Miliband in.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- Is that not true?- No, it's not.
0:22:31 > 0:22:36- Oh, right. OK.- I was alleged to have said that all voters are bastards.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Oh, right, but you didn't say that?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- No, I didn't say that.- So this story is not true?
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- No. It's not true.- Oh, right, well there is no link then.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45That fish is a bastard.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Bastards is right, but who is the odd one out?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- The fish is the odd one out. - No, not the fish.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55- Oh.- Sadiq.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Absolutely. They've all been called bastards,
0:22:57 > 0:23:02- except Sadiq, who called voters... - Allegedly.- ..allegedly...
0:23:02 > 0:23:06How are you planning to get those bastards back onside before the...?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Before the mayoral elections next year?
0:23:08 > 0:23:13Did you see Boris's slogan in attempting to back Goldsmith?
0:23:13 > 0:23:18He said from now on it was back Zac and crack London's problems.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24So, Michael Portillo, as you said, 1993,
0:23:24 > 0:23:26along with two other MPs,
0:23:26 > 0:23:28he was called a disloyal bastard
0:23:28 > 0:23:30by then prime minister John Major.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Speaking about the incident in 2013,
0:23:32 > 0:23:34what did Mr Major have to say about his use of words?
0:23:34 > 0:23:37I was absolutely accurate in what I said and I wish I'd used stronger
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- language.- Pretty much it. How he phrased it was this...
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Adding...
0:23:48 > 0:23:51He followed his outburst over the bastards with a reference to
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Lyndon Johnson's maxim about J Edgar Hoover.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02To be honest, on Bake Off, we're just the same with Mary Berry.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08So Jon Snow, as you said,
0:24:08 > 0:24:11is the illegitimate son of Ned Stark in TV series
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Game of Thrones and is often referred to as Ned Stark's bastard.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Game of Thrones' mix of intrigue,
0:24:17 > 0:24:19violence and boobs have unsurprisingly
0:24:19 > 0:24:21helped make it a firm hit with politicians.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Does anyone here watch it? No-one a fan? No.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- You are a fan?- Yeah.- What draws you, is it the intrigue,
0:24:27 > 0:24:28- the violence or the boobs?- Yeah,
0:24:28 > 0:24:30with Playboy gone, that's all there is.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38It's just the violence, I'll be honest.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Let me try and pronounce this correct.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Plectorhinchus caeruleonothus.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46It's a newly recognised fish, actually,
0:24:46 > 0:24:49that's been caught off the coast of Queensland, Australia.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52And given the name blue bastard. According to the Daily News,
0:24:52 > 0:24:54the blue bastard is a member of
0:24:54 > 0:24:56what anglers call...
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Lonely hobby, angling.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Time now for the missing words round,
0:25:05 > 0:25:09which this week features as its guest publication Merry-Go-Roundup,
0:25:09 > 0:25:12the National Carousel Association's newsletter.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16And for those wondering about its circulation, once every 30 seconds.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22And we're going to start with what...
0:25:22 > 0:25:24The Bible.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28The Nazi war trials after the Second World War.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30It's a famed writer.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31A famed writer - Ernest Hemingway.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34- Bill Bryson.- It was somebody who was a renowned diarist.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36- Samuel Pepys.- Bridget Jones.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43No, she did actually, she said they were v.v.v. good.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45The renowned diarist of the mid-17th century,
0:25:45 > 0:25:49Samuel Pepys, made no mention of merry-go-rounds.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51This is from Merry-Go-Roundup.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55The magazine have criticised Samuel Pepys for mentioning the restoration
0:25:55 > 0:25:57of Charles II, the Fire of London,
0:25:57 > 0:25:59the Second Dutch War and the
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Great Plague and yet somehow missing out the advent of the carousel.
0:26:03 > 0:26:04They are furious.
0:26:04 > 0:26:09Next up we got...
0:26:09 > 0:26:10Marches into Czechoslovakia.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15The trees are so much nicer here.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16I have look at my map.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20- I do not know...- We were in it together, to be fair.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21Yeah, exactly. What's the worst
0:26:21 > 0:26:23thing a German Forestry Minister could do?
0:26:23 > 0:26:27- Set fire to a tree.- Yes. Starts forest fire.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Finally...
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Duck wearing bowtie walks into pub,
0:26:34 > 0:26:35drinks pint and the landlord says,
0:26:35 > 0:26:37"That'll be five quid." And the duck says,
0:26:37 > 0:26:39"Do you get many ducks in here?" He says, "no" and he says,
0:26:39 > 0:26:42"I'm not surprised if you're charging five quid a pint."
0:26:42 > 0:26:43And that's the end of that.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Drinks pint and then a dog comes in and is like,
0:26:46 > 0:26:49"Listen, I'm sick of you hanging around here."
0:26:49 > 0:26:51You're right.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58This is Scar the duck,
0:26:58 > 0:27:02who got into a fight with a dog after drinking beer in a Devon pub.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05According to the Mirror, the duck...
0:27:05 > 0:27:08It doesn't specify what the act is,
0:27:08 > 0:27:11although it is rather worrying that the duck has to be drunk to do it.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16So, the final scores, they are close.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17We have Paul and Sadiq on seven,
0:27:17 > 0:27:20and narrowly in the lead, Ian and Roisin with eight.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28But before we go, there's just time for
0:27:28 > 0:27:32the caption competition. Ian and Roisin have this.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Lib Dem conference sell out.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Paul and Sadiq, you get this one.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42I hear there's going to be a duck down the pub tonight.
0:27:49 > 0:27:50He goes anywhere near my pint...
0:27:50 > 0:27:52I hear he's got a bowtie on.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53I'll have him.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Ian Hislop and Roisin Conaty, Paul Merton and Sadiq Khan.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04And I leave you with news that after Australia topped their group in the
0:28:04 > 0:28:07Rugby World Cup, one fan totally overdoes it on the beers.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13After Robert Peston announces his defection to ITV,
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Nick Robinson hopes will finally get his go with the BBC wig.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25And as two sisters win a fancy dress contest in St Petersburg,
0:28:25 > 0:28:28the runner-up simmers with rage at the injustice.
0:28:32 > 0:28:33Good night.