0:00:10 > 0:00:25This programme contains some strong language
0:00:25 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41I'm Michael Sheen.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43In the news this week...
0:00:43 > 0:00:45At the Great British Bake Off end of series party,
0:00:45 > 0:00:49there's a rare chance to really let her hair down for Mary Berry...
0:00:56 > 0:00:59At an assessment centre in Carlisle, there's evidence
0:00:59 > 0:01:02that the controversial Atos "fit to work" tests
0:01:02 > 0:01:03are becoming even harsher...
0:01:08 > 0:01:11And filming begins on a new series of Miranda
0:01:11 > 0:01:13set 200 years in the future.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28On Ian's team tonight is a comedian and Leeds fan
0:01:28 > 0:01:32who presents a radio show that mixes football and comedy -
0:01:32 > 0:01:34in much the same way that Leeds United do.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Please welcome Jon Richardson!
0:01:36 > 0:01:37APPLAUSE
0:01:42 > 0:01:46And with Paul tonight is the leader of the Scottish Conservative Party,
0:01:46 > 0:01:50whose hobbies include hiking in the Scottish Highlands.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51In fact, she's never happier
0:01:51 > 0:01:55than when she's walking 500 miles, then walking 500 more.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Please welcome Ruth Davidson, MSP!
0:01:57 > 0:01:59APPLAUSE
0:02:02 > 0:02:05And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Paul and Ruth, take a look at this.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Ah, yes, this is the President of China, who's come to visit.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13There he is, there, seeing all the sights of London.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Meeting of the minds...
0:02:16 > 0:02:19..and some of the protests, which he probably couldn't see...
0:02:19 > 0:02:22and, "Come behind this door and we'll just startle a little woman."
0:02:22 > 0:02:23- Ooh!- There she is.- There she is.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25There's a tradition where all the heads of state come along
0:02:25 > 0:02:27and startle this little woman every year.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30So, yeah, it's President Xi - is it, I think?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Or 11, if you're talking about Roman numerals.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Essentially, it's putting on a big show, you know -
0:02:38 > 0:02:40in China it's been reported as,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43"Our President's been met by every member of the royal family,
0:02:43 > 0:02:46"he's been greeted like one of the great world leaders that he is,"
0:02:46 > 0:02:47and they exchanged presents.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50The Queen gave him a leatherbound edition of Shakespeare -
0:02:50 > 0:02:53a book, presumably, rather than the actual playwright -
0:02:53 > 0:02:57and she was given two CDs of his wife singing folk songs,
0:02:57 > 0:03:00so expect it in a car-boot sale in the Windsor area.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03The next five or six weeks, look out for those CDs,
0:03:03 > 0:03:05cos they'll be there.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Yes, this is the first Chinese state visit since who?
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Oh, when was he president?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13APPLAUSE
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Er, indeed - President Hu.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24- Hu Jintao.- Right, yes.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25Yeah. Now it's "She's" turn.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Yeah.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29This is going to be a long round, isn't it?
0:03:29 > 0:03:3520,000 people lined the Mall to wave and cheer at Xi Jinping.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Who were they?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39I think three of them were Tibetan monks,
0:03:39 > 0:03:46and 19,997 were members of the Red Army - in tracksuits.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Pretending to be ordinary Chinese people.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I can't prove that.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Welcome to another edition of I Can't Prove That.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Did you see where the flags
0:03:57 > 0:04:01and other pro-Xi Jinping merchandise came from?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Boxes that were handed out round the back door of the Chinese embassy,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06as far as we could tell.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08It's all about image, really, in the end...
0:04:08 > 0:04:10and the fact that we are allowing the Chinese
0:04:10 > 0:04:13to run a nuclear power station in our country.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16We've managed to get China to invest in this nuclear reactor,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19but we have to guarantee their investment.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21We have to guarantee the investment
0:04:21 > 0:04:23of the richest country in the entire world,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25saying, "If you lose any money, we'll pay."
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- That's not an investment.- No.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28That's a bribe.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- There's nothing could go wrong there.- No!
0:04:32 > 0:04:34I think they're all right - they already own PizzaExpress,
0:04:34 > 0:04:36and they haven't touched dough balls.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44The whole exercise was just one long sucking up to the Chinese -
0:04:44 > 0:04:47and not mentioning anything that could embarrass anyone.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49They have - they've mentioned it carefully over dinner.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52If I invited Oscar Pistorius round for dinner this week,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55I don't think I'd get much credit for saying, "I tell you what,
0:04:55 > 0:04:58"I'll give him a withering look over the pork and stilton,
0:04:58 > 0:04:59"I tell you that much."
0:05:01 > 0:05:03I thought Scotland came out of it pretty well.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Laura Kuenssberg absolutely nailed the Chinese Premier to a wall,
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- and we got a £2 billion...- She absolutely nailed him to the wall?!
0:05:08 > 0:05:10All her questions were devastating.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12I mean, I don't think a press conference is one question,
0:05:12 > 0:05:14but what a question she asked -
0:05:14 > 0:05:17and, yeah, we got a £2 billion bus deal, and we got to keep our pandas,
0:05:17 > 0:05:18so, we did all right. Yeah!
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- Did they come for your pandas? - Well, nobody's taking our pandas.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25They're not very fertile, but we still love them.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27But ineffectively.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Yeah. Not...
0:05:29 > 0:05:31They don't really love each other.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35I don't understand why...
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Like, we've been showing off how rich we are, but then asking for money.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42I don't understand...like, even he knows, in China,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44there's some tact to pretending to be poor.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47So, like, he gets photographed in a modest restaurant having dumplings -
0:05:47 > 0:05:49and then he gets here, and we're flaunting...
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Like, he must have gone mad when he met the Queen, like,
0:05:52 > 0:05:54"How are we getting to dinner - are we going to walk?"
0:05:54 > 0:05:56She goes, "We'll get pulled in a gold carriage."
0:05:56 > 0:05:58"Oh, really? What do you want to talk about?"
0:05:58 > 0:06:00"You couldn't lend us £3 billion, could you?"
0:06:01 > 0:06:04It's a good thing it wasn't a steel carriage.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05Yeah.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06AUDIENCE: Ohhh...
0:06:08 > 0:06:12Bad taste to bring up the collapse of the British steel industry?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Partly China's fault, really, for just dumping steel on us.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17All these new jobs
0:06:17 > 0:06:20that the Tory Party say that Chinese investment's going to produce -
0:06:20 > 0:06:22I mean, we lost nearly that many this week,
0:06:22 > 0:06:24in the steel industry.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27The Government haven't done anything, and I get the horrible feeling
0:06:27 > 0:06:29that David Cameron's watched The Full Monty,
0:06:29 > 0:06:32and he doesn't understand that that's not a viable option for everyone.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37"I watched an incredible documentary
0:06:37 > 0:06:40"about the steel industry this week, and I..."
0:06:41 > 0:06:44How did Jeremy Corbyn express himself
0:06:44 > 0:06:48on British job losses and human rights to Xi Jinping?
0:06:48 > 0:06:49They had a private meeting -
0:06:49 > 0:06:52and there was a picture of them shaking hands.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Have you got the pic?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56- No?- Have I got the pig?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- Were you not told about the pig - the lucky pig?- No!
0:07:00 > 0:07:03We stroke the lucky pig on the fourth show of every series.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I'm not going on if we're not stroking the lucky pig.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13I thought we were back to Cameron again.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Not such a lucky pig.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19The pic, "Have I seen the pic?"
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- Sorry, it's my diction. - I'm so sorry.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25When I'm not on with a proper actor it all just goes.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32- Here they are.- "Tell me about this communism. How does it work?"
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Who's asking who?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40The camera loves Jeremy.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Or at least he thinks it does. He's always staring back at it.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Who are these people looking at me?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57What's the other terrible thing about President Xi
0:07:57 > 0:07:59that the Mirror discovered?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Were his trousers too long?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04His trousers are touching the carpet.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Did you see the state of his cuff links?
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Steel.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Yeah.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Yes, the Mirror noticed that his trousers were touching the carpet.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Way Too Long...
0:08:23 > 0:08:24It's coming.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27..is the name of his tailor.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34So, what were the Buckingham Palace staff
0:08:34 > 0:08:38forbidden to do while the Chinese delegation was staying there?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40- Stare at them.- Stare at them.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45They weren't allowed to poke them with sticks?
0:08:45 > 0:08:49They were not allowed to use Wi-Fi in case too much internet activity
0:08:49 > 0:08:51slowed down the broadband speed for the Chinese.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55So the Queen must have one of those crappy Virgin Media hubs.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Prince Charles managed to avoid the royal banquet
0:09:00 > 0:09:04and other formal business but what job did Prince William have?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06He had to be Your Royal Lowness
0:09:06 > 0:09:09to the highest man in China, which is their basketball player.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10So there's all these pictures of him
0:09:10 > 0:09:13being looked down on a man who is supposed to be one of the epitomes
0:09:13 > 0:09:15of Chinese sporting prowess.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18It's all about status but luckily we complied.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25He was indeed lecturing the Chinese on the evils of the ivory trade
0:09:25 > 0:09:27and he met a very tall man.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31What is sinister about Yao Ming - for it is he -
0:09:31 > 0:09:33according to the Mail?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36The Mail said he's not naturally tall,
0:09:36 > 0:09:39but he was bred in a super-secret Bond villian-esque
0:09:39 > 0:09:44genetic mutation programme to be somebody that could play basketball
0:09:44 > 0:09:45and look down on British royals.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Is that right?
0:09:47 > 0:09:48According to the Mail.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05So this is the Chinese President's lavish state visit to Britain.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08The meal was served to musical accompaniment from...
0:10:11 > 0:10:13It was either them or the
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Duchess of Kent's Rhythm and Blues Explosion.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Addressing the sensitive issue of human rights
0:10:21 > 0:10:23the Chinese President declared...
0:10:33 > 0:10:36A doctrine put forward by China's leading political philosopher,
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Fuk Yu.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41APPLAUSE
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Ian and Jon, take a look at this.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Pieces of paper.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53The tax credits, don't mention them. And that's some protesters.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Someone who's never been to a funeral before
0:10:55 > 0:10:59and doesn't know you don't just write the name on the side of a box.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02It's the tax credits, they put them through.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05And the idea was that it was unfair to give people who were
0:11:05 > 0:11:09working tax credits, their employers should pay and top it up.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Now the bill's gone through,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13there's no mechanism for making the employers pay
0:11:13 > 0:11:15so you're just taking away lots of money
0:11:15 > 0:11:17from the poorest section of society.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21And there's been a rebellion by all these leftie Tories,
0:11:21 > 0:11:23which is the embarrassing thing.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Because you'd expect the other side to be against them
0:11:26 > 0:11:28but you rather hope your own side might be with you.
0:11:28 > 0:11:34Three million low-paid families will lose an average of £1,300 per year.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35But what's Osborne's plan
0:11:35 > 0:11:38to make everybody feel a little bit better about it?
0:11:38 > 0:11:39He's going to resign?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43APPLAUSE
0:11:43 > 0:11:46That figure actually comes from the statistical body they set up
0:11:46 > 0:11:50to come up with independent figures that everyone could believe.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52The body comes up with that figure
0:11:52 > 0:11:54and they go, "Oh, no. That's rubbish.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56"I've got better figures here on this envelope."
0:11:58 > 0:12:00He plans an increase in personal tax allowance
0:12:00 > 0:12:03and a higher national living wage.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06You'd think if the living wage was the panacea they claim it to be
0:12:06 > 0:12:09that they wouldn't reprimand their own cleaning staff
0:12:09 > 0:12:10when they ask for it.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11APPLAUSE
0:12:13 > 0:12:18- That was a weird reaction, wasn't it? - That was a Question Time reaction.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22I might do a joke about a Chinese name in a minute, Michael.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25I was disappointed we missed out Wi Fi,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27I thought there was an opportunity there.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Did Cameron say he wouldn't cut tax credits before the election?
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Yeah, he did. But it's naive to imagine he was going to stick to it.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Let's have a look.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Will you put to bed rumours you plan to cut Child Tax Credit
0:12:41 > 0:12:44and restrict Child Benefits to two children?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Thank you, Jenny, for that question. No, I don't want to do that.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50This report that was out today is something I rejected
0:12:50 > 0:12:54at the time as prime minister and I reject it again today.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Are you saying absolutely, as a guarantee...
0:12:57 > 0:13:00First of all, Child Tax Credit we increased by £450.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- And it's not going to fall? - Not going to fall.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05It's unclear, isn't it?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10People don't really remember what you promise before an election.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12They don't punish you for it.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15I was speaking to an ice cream driver near me called Nick Clegg.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Ruth, you're a Conservative. Are you in favour of these cuts?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Do you know, we've got a lot of people back into work
0:13:25 > 0:13:28and we want to make sure they're not worse off for being in work.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29And that's what all of this has been about.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- Yeah, there's a lot of us that are very angry...- So that's a yes?
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Do you think George Osborne's going to do a U-turn?
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I would like to see some movement by the autumn statement.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Movement round that way?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Something else you've said on the record in the past
0:13:44 > 0:13:47is how important it is to stick to the economic plan.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Let's not undo all of the hard work of the last five years.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52It is the stability that has got our country back on track,
0:13:52 > 0:13:56that's allowed us to grow faster than this over the past five years.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03How's that been going?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08One good thing did come out of the debate.
0:14:08 > 0:14:13Two of the sexiest new Tory MPs finally got a bit of airtime.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- Who was that?- Jacob Rees-Mogg...
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Heidi Allen is going to be a firm favourite for a long time to come.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Indeed, Heidi Allen.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25RUTH: She looks like a 1980s ballad singer
0:14:25 > 0:14:27with the wind machine through the flowing locks.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30JON: Has she hired a wind machine for that shot?
0:14:30 > 0:14:31She must have done.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Just listening to the Chancellor.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41And the other one is Johnny Mercer.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42He was in the army, wasn't he?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Oh, yes, those are army trousers, aren't they?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Camouflage trousers, they'll be quite difficult to see at first.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54RUTH: Was he not in a shower gel advert or something like that?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56I believe it was a Dove soap commercial.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Well, there's some speculation about him
0:14:58 > 0:15:03advertising for an assistant for his Parliamentary office
0:15:03 > 0:15:06because dozens and dozens of women applied, having seen
0:15:06 > 0:15:08the pictures of him lathering himself up
0:15:08 > 0:15:10in a shower gel commercial.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14And his wife stepped in and he had to hire a male assistant,
0:15:14 > 0:15:16apparently, because she was so worried about it.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20That's never caused a problem for the Tories before.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24That'll stop any scandal, that will.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27It's better off this way, love, then we can share a hotel room.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29LAUGHTER
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Labour have had their own problems this week.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37What did we learn about Jeremy Corbyn's political adviser,
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Andrew Fisher?
0:15:38 > 0:15:43He tweets. A lot of rather bad-tempered stuff.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44About members of the Labour Party.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47It's been revealed that last year he
0:15:47 > 0:15:50described the Labour frontbench as...
0:15:55 > 0:15:58He described Jack Straw as...
0:16:00 > 0:16:03You can see everyone's warming to him.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06And Tony Blair as...
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- Can anyone do an impersonation of Tony Blair?- No.
0:16:13 > 0:16:18Corbyn's ally and former lover, Diane Abbott,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21is apparently being sidelined. Why is that?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Is it cos she's not very good?
0:16:23 > 0:16:27And she says mad things on the Today programme and then laughs a lot.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32According to the Sunday Times,
0:16:32 > 0:16:36senior Labour Party sources say it's because of her...
0:16:45 > 0:16:47So, this is the tax credit cuts,
0:16:47 > 0:16:50or as the rest of the Tory party called them,
0:16:50 > 0:16:53George Osborne's tax credit cuts.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55One Tory MP spoke out and warned
0:16:55 > 0:16:57that the measures would hit the most vulnerable,
0:16:57 > 0:16:59leaving them with the choice of...
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Which instantly set off an alarm in the ITV games show office.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14And so to round two. The Strengthometer of News.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the first one.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24BUZZER
0:17:24 > 0:17:28- So, this is the news that the Scots...- Hang on, hang on.- Oh, shit!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30LAUGHTER
0:17:30 > 0:17:33I buggered this up in rehearsal as well.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35You got carried away with your Strengthometer, didn't you?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- I'm sorry.- Maybe we should answer it first before you do.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- Yes. Someone buzzed in, didn't they?- Ian did.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Right, shall I just say it's over to you because you buzzed?
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- Yes, let's do that.- OK, let's do this properly.- Yes. This is acting.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Watch me.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Yes, Ian and Jon?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Yeah, see?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02APPLAUSE
0:18:03 > 0:18:05I think Jon had the answer.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14It's Craig Joubert, isn't it, who broke Scottish hearts this week.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17He made a mistake and now we're all out of the World Cup.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20But we have to carry on hosting it like good hosts.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24I think we should just pack up the stadiums and tell them
0:18:24 > 0:18:26to have it on their own half of the planet.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28APPLAUSE
0:18:30 > 0:18:33That's the most churlish round of applause I've ever heard.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Yes, this is the news that the Scots clinched
0:18:37 > 0:18:39defeat from the jaws of victory
0:18:39 > 0:18:41for the second time in the last year.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43The South African referee Craig Joubert,
0:18:43 > 0:18:46who gave a last minute penalty to Australia,
0:18:46 > 0:18:49at the end of the game, he sprinted from the centre of the pitch
0:18:49 > 0:18:52and people said it was a terribly bad thing and his pal came out
0:18:52 > 0:18:55and said he was only running cos he really needed the loo.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58I tell you what, if I had 40,000 Scots at Twickenham shouting at me,
0:18:58 > 0:19:01I'd be crapping it as well, so I'm not surprised he went to the loo.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05So, Ruth, everyone makes mistakes, is all forgiven?
0:19:05 > 0:19:10Um...yes, as long as he never referees for us again.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Well, this is what you tweeted after the game.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Were you a bit tipsy when you sent that tweet?
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Well, my partner is Irish
0:19:27 > 0:19:30and the Ireland game was on directly before the Scotland game,
0:19:30 > 0:19:34so we may have been enjoying a convivial atmosphere
0:19:34 > 0:19:39in Edinburgh's finest wining and dining establishments
0:19:39 > 0:19:42for seven hours by the time that tweet was sent, yes.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45And to be fair, you were probably still rat-arsed
0:19:45 > 0:19:47from when England went out the week before.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Any other tweets you may have regretted?
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Ruth said, of kicker Greig Laidlaw...
0:20:06 > 0:20:10Wow, that would be quite a conversion.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14There are a lot of people that tweeted back.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Especially heterosexual married men that said they felt the same.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Are we back to nailing people against the wall?
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Are you asking?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Should the rest of us just discreetly leave at this point?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Oh, is that the time?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- We're off.- In other sports news,
0:20:39 > 0:20:44Slovakian football team TJ Tatra Cierny Balog
0:20:44 > 0:20:49have to put up with this unexpected sight at matches.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS
0:21:06 > 0:21:10Now, you see, if it was like that, I would go to football.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14If there were more steam trains going up and down, yeah, absolutely.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18This is Scotland's heartbreaking exit from the Rugby World Cup.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19According to the Mail...
0:21:25 > 0:21:29Still, it's not the worst thing a South African sprinter has done.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31GROANS
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41What the...? What is it?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- It's a ghostly apparition. - Is it a ghostly apparition?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Is this Alex Salmond?
0:21:46 > 0:21:48- He believes in ghosts?- Er, no...
0:21:48 > 0:21:52- All right, OK.- Not yet. - Oh, I see. Is that a clue?
0:21:52 > 0:21:57JON: A sexy ghost. It's a busty ghost who lives in a museum.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00It's a new show for CBBC.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04It's called Spooky Booby Lady.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Yes, this is the discovery of Britain's sexiest ghost,
0:22:11 > 0:22:17who has left her fingerprints on an Egyptian mummy's coffin in Torquay.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23The Egyptian Empire spread a bit, didn't it?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25It got as far as Torquay, blimey.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26According to the Mirror, she...
0:22:30 > 0:22:32..and according to the Daily Star, she has...
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Were these fingerprints on the mummy's coffin definitely
0:22:39 > 0:22:41the sexy ghost?
0:22:41 > 0:22:42No...
0:22:42 > 0:22:44because there are no ghosts.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49Well, apparently so, and according to the museum manager...
0:22:59 > 0:23:00JON: Oh, my God.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03It's a ghost of a woman with seven men - it's Snow White.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11- Staying on the subject of... - Yes, let's(!)
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- ..the paranormal.- Yeah. - Who else recently revealed...- Ah!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16..that they had seen ghosts?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18The sexy leader...
0:23:20 > 0:23:24- The buxom Alex Salmond. - Yes, it was Alex Salmond.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25He told reporters...
0:23:34 > 0:23:36The man currently on a train to Devon...
0:23:41 > 0:23:44IMITATES SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Hello, there. Would you like to see
0:23:44 > 0:23:46"my SNPenis?"
0:23:56 > 0:23:57RUTH: Oh, no!
0:23:59 > 0:24:03So, this is the apparition in a Torquay museum that's been dubbed...
0:24:05 > 0:24:08The museum manager claimed the haunted exhibit is...
0:24:10 > 0:24:14..and having seen some of the mums in Plymouth,
0:24:14 > 0:24:15I think he might be right.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Time now for the Odd One Out round. Your four are...
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Michael Flatley...
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Betty the Chicken...
0:24:22 > 0:24:23two thirds of Americans...
0:24:23 > 0:24:25and Ruth Davidson MSP.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27BELL RINGS
0:24:27 > 0:24:30It's something about Twitter. There was a newspaper story saying
0:24:30 > 0:24:35two thirds of Americans are on Twitter or read Twitter
0:24:35 > 0:24:37or have it in the...tap.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42- And you're on it. - There's a chicken shop in Australia
0:24:42 > 0:24:45that's got a chicken to tweet. I don't know how they do it...
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- but I think her name's Betty.- That means Flatley is the odd one out,
0:24:48 > 0:24:51cos he can't tweet cos he can't use his hands, can he?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Is it about Twitter, or am I going completely wrong?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Ruth got the Betty the Chicken bit of it right,
0:24:59 > 0:25:03but everything else you've got pretty wrong so far.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Michael Flatley's on Twitter, isn't he?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08I'll say it again - it's not about Twitter.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14- What is Betty using to tweet? - Keyboard. Mouse.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Antibacterial wipes.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23None of them use their hands for the activity they're known for.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25They all do things with their feet
0:25:25 > 0:25:28that you'd normally do with your hands.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Apart from Betty the Chicken, who does something you'd normally
0:25:31 > 0:25:33do with your hands with her beak.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Betty the Chicken has been employed by Australian fast-food chain
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Chicken Treat to run their Twitter account,
0:25:44 > 0:25:48- using her beak to type.- What do you mean, "She's been employed"?
0:25:49 > 0:25:51- Let's have a look at her in action. - Oh, go on, then,
0:25:51 > 0:25:54if there's film of her. Oh, yeah, look. I was wrong.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56She's got her own washing machine, as well, look.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59She has in fact managed to write one three-letter word.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02- Egg! - Nnnn...o.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07It would have solved that query, though, wouldn't it?
0:26:09 > 0:26:13The Mirror writes that the only word she's come up with is...
0:26:16 > 0:26:19So, what does Michael Flatley do with his feet, apart from dancing?
0:26:21 > 0:26:24That you would normally do with your hands? Is that what...?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26- WOMAN LAUGHS - Mm-hm.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31There's a woman over here, I think, knows from personal experience.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33She hasn't forgotten it.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37- Does he paint? - Ah, that's a good one.- Yes.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40It's been revealed this week that Michael Flatley
0:26:40 > 0:26:43paints pictures with his feet, that sell for thousands of pounds.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46The auction got off to a very slow start, as everyone
0:26:46 > 0:26:48kept their arms down by their sides.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54According to a recent survey, two thirds of Americans
0:26:54 > 0:26:55who use public toilets
0:26:55 > 0:26:59press the toilet flusher with their feet to avoid germs.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Americans spend a lot of time in public toilets -
0:27:02 > 0:27:04mainly hiding from gunmen.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07AUDIENCE GASPS
0:27:07 > 0:27:11Glasgow MSP Ruth Davidson is an accomplished kick boxer.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Although the three most popular martial arts in Glasgow
0:27:13 > 0:27:15are judo...
0:27:15 > 0:27:16jujitsu...
0:27:16 > 0:27:19and, "Did you spill my pint, pal?"
0:27:22 > 0:27:24So, the final scores are...
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Paul and Ruth have five points,
0:27:27 > 0:27:29but Ian and John have seven points.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33APPLAUSE
0:27:37 > 0:27:41But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45JON: Cabinet assume position to welcome Chinese Premier.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48APPLAUSE
0:27:48 > 0:27:51And I leave you with news that after the third death in four days,
0:27:51 > 0:27:54there are suspicions that the organisers
0:27:54 > 0:27:56of the World Archery Championships
0:27:56 > 0:27:58may have ordered the wrong umbrellas...
0:28:04 > 0:28:08One renowned practical joker waits expectantly for his victim
0:28:08 > 0:28:10to discover where he's hidden the frog...
0:28:16 > 0:28:19..and as she leaves a work's do in Brighton,
0:28:19 > 0:28:22one woman is completely unaware she's being eyed up
0:28:22 > 0:28:24by a male colleague.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28APPLAUSE
0:28:31 > 0:28:32Goodnight.