0:00:03 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:31 > 0:00:33APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:39CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:00:39 > 0:00:43Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Kathy Burke.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46In the news this week, on his way to a conference about
0:00:46 > 0:00:48the origins of the universe,
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Stephen Hawking regrets demanding a police escort.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59In an attempt to confuse would-be assassins,
0:00:59 > 0:01:02David Cameron meets his stunt double.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11And leading scientists predict that future generations
0:01:11 > 0:01:15will struggle to overcome the forces of friction and gravity.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23On Ian's team tonight is the Channel 4 News presenter
0:01:23 > 0:01:24who asked recently,
0:01:24 > 0:01:27"When does a compliment about a woman become sexism?"
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Well, that's a very good question, blondie.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Please welcome Cathy Newman.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:37 > 0:01:41And with Paul tonight is a surreal comedian who says
0:01:41 > 0:01:43he likes to look for faces in cakes.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Give it a couple of hours
0:01:45 > 0:01:48and I know where he'll be able to find at least one face in a cake.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Please welcome Ross Noble.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:55 > 0:01:57And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Ian and Cathy, would you take a look at this, please?
0:02:00 > 0:02:04That's the latest spying technology. That's you before deadline.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05IAN LAUGHS
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Oh, and that's the snooper.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10This is this new bill. The surveillance bill.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Or you'd call it "the snoopers' charter".
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Oh, right. Yes, I would, Cathy!
0:02:16 > 0:02:19They've got this new draft Investigatory Powers Bill,
0:02:19 > 0:02:21and they're going to have your entire internet history,
0:02:21 > 0:02:25your phone, everything, saved for a year.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27So it's safe from hackers.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31There was a lot of spin before this, wasn't there,
0:02:31 > 0:02:33that they were retreating from some things,
0:02:33 > 0:02:35it wasn't going to be as bad as all that?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37That's what the government usually does.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39It tells you it's going to confiscate your entire life
0:02:39 > 0:02:43and then brings in a bill saying, "We'll only have half of it."
0:02:43 > 0:02:46And everyone goes, "God, Theresa May, she's so nice.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49"She was going to have everything I've ever done or known,
0:02:49 > 0:02:53"but now it's just this tiny bit of everything."
0:02:53 > 0:02:56So this is the second go they've had at passing the bill.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58What happened the first time?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00The Lib Dems voted it down, didn't they? Yeah.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02THEY called it "the snoopers' charter".
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Yeah, and look what happened to them.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10And what do the security services want?
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Everything.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Yes, they would like to access every single piece of information
0:03:15 > 0:03:18or personal data exchanged over the internet - ever.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20There's certain safeguards,
0:03:20 > 0:03:23but on the whole, it's still a bit of an attack on personal liberty.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27I think. But it is a popular measure. With who?
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Well, the public aren't as bothered about it as you are, the polls say.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33AUDIENCE: Ooh...
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I hate to make cheap points, but...
0:03:36 > 0:03:37LAUGHTER
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Are you bothered about it? AUDIENCE: Yes.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44You would be, with my browsing history.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Just saying and that, you know.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48I didn't know what to think,
0:03:48 > 0:03:51but then I saw this documentary called Spectre, erm...
0:03:51 > 0:03:53LAUGHTER
0:03:54 > 0:03:56APPLAUSE And everybody's against it!
0:03:58 > 0:04:03It's true, they all are. M - he was against more surveillance, Bond...
0:04:03 > 0:04:07The only person who was for it was the bloke with the cat!
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Postman Pat is involved in...?
0:04:10 > 0:04:11LAUGHTER
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Has he been opening our mail the whole time?
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Disgusting.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Mrs Goggins in the post office? She's up to her neck in it.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25I think she was arrested, though, some accounting difficulties.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28And then they closed the post office down, and now she's alcoholic,
0:04:28 > 0:04:31in a ditch. Yeah.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33So...
0:04:33 > 0:04:35LAUGHTER
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Mrs Grog-gins.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39That's her. That's her now.
0:04:39 > 0:04:44Fell on hard times, she's become Mrs Snog-gins.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Won't pay her the money, poor old woman.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Working in a post office - now selling herself.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Like she used to sell stamps. 1st Class mail.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55AUDIENCE GROANS
0:04:57 > 0:04:58APPLAUSE
0:05:00 > 0:05:03They're groaning and clapping at their own jokes!
0:05:03 > 0:05:07Good. And what won't they get with this new bill?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Amazon recommendations?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Cos that's sort of the upside of it, isn't it?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16They can be going through and checking people out, and going,
0:05:16 > 0:05:19"Mmm, interesting book on the Cotswolds."
0:05:19 > 0:05:22They link in to what you've just bought, don't they?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24And they'll say, "Oh, now you'll like this."
0:05:24 > 0:05:25Somebody sent me a link.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30Apparently, they'd gone to buy one of my DVDs, and it said,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33"If you like this, you'll also like this",
0:05:33 > 0:05:35and it was the DVD of Jesus Of Nazareth.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40APPLAUSE
0:05:44 > 0:05:47A new technical advance has made the job of
0:05:47 > 0:05:50the security services much harder
0:05:50 > 0:05:53for the last few years - what is that?
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Moving from the brick phone to the smartphone.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Well, it's encryption. Ooh.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01According to the Telegraph, the biggest problem is
0:06:01 > 0:06:03when you get something that's...
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Well, I've had a few mornings like that, that's all I can say.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16Happy days.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Which government minister has been accused of
0:06:21 > 0:06:22staggering hypocrisy this week?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Well, which one hasn't? Mmm.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29No, this week, it's Chris Grayling.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31He's been complaining about journalists using
0:06:31 > 0:06:34the Freedom of Information Act to find out things.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37He said...
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Yeah, bloody journalists with their stories, eh?
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Why was he particularly being hypocritical?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55I was camping earlier in the week, I missed this story.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Really? Was it nice? Lovely. Where? In Wales?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Quite mild as well, for the time of year.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Good, so that was a big story. I think it's too mild.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Do you? I do. I don't like it. Has it thrown out your body clock?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09It really has, I'm menopausal... Are you?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11..so it really doesn't help.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14You just want a cold wind up ya at this time of life. You do.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16You do.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21You could have gone...camping with her earlier in the week.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23- That's a bit chilly... - You'd be very welcome.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26It was a shepherd's hut. But that's not camping if you're in a hut.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28No, you've rumbled me, it's glamping. Oh...
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Does that not count? No, does it fuck.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Well...
0:07:37 > 0:07:40I wish I'd thought of that. I should have just gone camping,
0:07:40 > 0:07:42and every question I'd have just gone, "Ah, well...
0:07:42 > 0:07:45"I was up a mountain, wasn't I?"
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Here's me reading papers and stuff, I'm an idiot.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Right, according to the Sun, Grayling was...
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Actually, he was always keen to claim credit for...
0:08:05 > 0:08:07I remember him doing a live interview once,
0:08:07 > 0:08:09at a Tory conference, do you remember this?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11He was... Something was put to him and he said,
0:08:11 > 0:08:15"That is a terrible gimmick." And then they said, "Oh, it's one of your policies."
0:08:17 > 0:08:21And so now, what revealing document from the early part of the
0:08:21 > 0:08:2421st century has come to light recently
0:08:24 > 0:08:26through good old-fashioned leaking?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Don't know, I was up Ben Nevis.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34Too much information.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39APPLAUSE
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Yes, the Mail On Sunday claimed that a senior figure from Number Ten
0:08:45 > 0:08:48at the time has revealed that an order was issued to...
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Well, this was the Attorney General at the time.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Was this Goldsmith's advice?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59And he said to, um, Tony Blair,
0:08:59 > 0:09:01"This war is illegal. That's my considered opinion."
0:09:01 > 0:09:04And Blair said, "Would you like to think again?...
0:09:04 > 0:09:05"Or you're sacked."
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Erm...
0:09:07 > 0:09:08I have no evidence for that...
0:09:10 > 0:09:14But, then, they didn't have much evidence for anything anyway, so...
0:09:14 > 0:09:16APPLAUSE
0:09:17 > 0:09:20On the subject of Iraq, would you like to see a photo of
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Sir John Chilcot at a bus stop?
0:09:27 > 0:09:31Is he shoplifting the biggest roll of salami ever seen in Ealing?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Right, this is the government's snoopers' charter.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44And if you sign the online petition against it, bad luck,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47they know where you live.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Meanwhile, the last British resident held in Guantanamo...G...
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Why can't I say it?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Just say, "Margate."
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Meanwhile, the last British resident held in Guantanamo Bay
0:10:03 > 0:10:07was released after 13 years held without charge.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08According to his father...
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Well, apart from those blokes who kept putting jump leads on him.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19AUDIENCE GROANS
0:10:21 > 0:10:25Right, Paul and Ross - here's one for you...
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Yes, this is Nigella Lawson being protected from the weather.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31This is avocado and a fork.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34And that may be her putting it on toast. It may be...
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Probably isn't her, cos I can tell that the desk there
0:10:37 > 0:10:40is the same colour as the desk that I'm sitting at now.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42So, I would suggest that item was filmed here
0:10:42 > 0:10:44about 11.30 this morning.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Hang on... Nigella Lawson uses this very studio.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53At 11.30 in the morning. Is that right? Absolutely right.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55ROSS SNIFFS So, she... What...?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05That's a special memory for everybody here, cos of course
0:11:05 > 0:11:07you'll never see that on television.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Yeah, she's done a new show...
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Nigella's Load Of Old Rope...
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Next week, she's doing Pot Noodle...
0:11:19 > 0:11:21And then she's doing...er...
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Angel Delight... Is the...
0:11:24 > 0:11:27The one after that, where she...
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Bag of powder... And she just, er...
0:11:31 > 0:11:32What? What?
0:11:35 > 0:11:39This is the public outrage caused by Nigella Lawson making
0:11:39 > 0:11:43avocado on toast. So, are those the hands of Nigella Lawson?
0:11:43 > 0:11:45That would make a great game show.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I mean... Bring Me The Hands Of Nigella Lawson?
0:11:49 > 0:11:52In the preparation of this dish on her TV show,
0:11:52 > 0:11:54what did Nigella spend a lot of time doing?
0:11:54 > 0:11:57She was probably pouting, was it? A bit of...
0:11:57 > 0:11:59According to the Independent...
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Why might this be some kind of clever digital media joke, though,
0:12:11 > 0:12:13on Nigella's part?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Digital because she's using her fingers?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19APPLAUSE AND GROANING
0:12:21 > 0:12:25They're doing it again, they're groaning and clapping!
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Well, avocado is, according to several newspapers including
0:12:28 > 0:12:30the Mirror and the Guardian...
0:12:33 > 0:12:37That's the photo-sharing website for imbeciles.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40So, Nigella could just be taking the piss.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44What...? A photograph of an avocado is the most popular visual image?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Yeah, apparently.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Yeah, cos it's alphabetical, isn't it?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Yeah, but what about an anaconda? That's more interesting than
0:13:00 > 0:13:03an avocado. Not that nice on toast, though, is it?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06It would struggle getting into the toaster.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08You have to get a baguette. Yeah.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Now that would be an amazing...
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Imagine if Nigella just came on...
0:13:15 > 0:13:16And she had, like...
0:13:16 > 0:13:19baguettes lined right up along her kitchen.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23And then she enticed an anaconda...to lie along it...
0:13:23 > 0:13:25..and then killed it with her bare hands.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Scooped out all its insides. Scooped it right out.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Licked the blood.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38I'd watch it, I would watch it.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43And then you'd see a shot of her bloody hands...
0:13:43 > 0:13:46And you'd have to guess - "Are these Nigella's hands?"
0:13:51 > 0:13:55What are newspaper fashion editors saying about the avocado?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58"Oh, this is great, it will fill up three pages."
0:13:58 > 0:14:02It's the fact that they are calling it the...
0:14:02 > 0:14:06It's because it's last year - it's toast, basically.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07The avocado is toast.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11So, how did Guardian fashion journalist Jess Cartner-Morley
0:14:11 > 0:14:14put the final nail in the avocado's coffin?
0:14:17 > 0:14:18She said...
0:14:18 > 0:14:21READS IN IMITATION POSH ACCENT
0:14:28 > 0:14:30LAUGHTER
0:14:30 > 0:14:31What?
0:14:34 > 0:14:35What, what, what?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39What happened?
0:14:39 > 0:14:42You mocked her speaking style. Oh, I did, yes.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44But I also cut a word that I can't pronounce.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47"Every other shade of green
0:14:47 > 0:14:49"has had its day
0:14:49 > 0:14:50"in the fashion-week sun -
0:14:50 > 0:14:52"apple...emerald...
0:14:52 > 0:14:53LAUGHTER
0:14:55 > 0:14:57"..jade,
0:14:57 > 0:14:59"even school uniform bottle."
0:14:59 > 0:15:01There you go.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Do you know how the avocado gets its name?
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Yes, it's a cross between two plants called an avo and a cado.
0:15:10 > 0:15:15It's an old Aztec word - aguacate,
0:15:15 > 0:15:18which means "testicle".
0:15:20 > 0:15:22It does.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Shall we have a quick game of Avocado Or Testicle? No!
0:15:26 > 0:15:28No!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33There may be certain medical complaints
0:15:33 > 0:15:35that would confuse the issue.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Oh, go on, then, right.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Are those Nigella's hands?
0:15:43 > 0:15:45So, avocado or testicle?
0:15:49 > 0:15:54Well, he's going to need antibiotics, definitely.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00We say avocado, if we must. Oh, God, that's not going to pull back, is it?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Yes, this is the backlash
0:16:04 > 0:16:07against Nigella Lawson's avocado on toast recipe.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10All this fuss over an avocado!
0:16:10 > 0:16:12That's why most people tune into Nigella -
0:16:12 > 0:16:14to see a ripe, up-market "pear".
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Sorry. APPLAUSE
0:16:20 > 0:16:23And so to round two - the Strengthometer of News.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33OK, this is the story about the Prime Minister not wearing a poppy
0:16:33 > 0:16:38in an old photo on Facebook. Appalling!
0:16:38 > 0:16:41So his staff said, "We'd better change it," and put a poppy on him.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44And they put a great big one on him to show that he cared,
0:16:44 > 0:16:48and it was a huge scandal because they'd faked it.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51I'm not quite sure why it was a big deal.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Who was particularly disgusted by the faked photograph?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Erm, a poppy seller.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Piers Morgan. He tweeted both the before and after photos, saying...
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Faked photos - imagine!
0:17:11 > 0:17:13APPLAUSE
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Barbara Windsor made her feelings known on the poppy subject.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20What did she have to say about it?
0:17:20 > 0:17:22ROSS CACKLES
0:17:22 > 0:17:25APPLAUSE
0:17:29 > 0:17:30This is her on Sky News.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35Babs, what would you say to those who don't want to wear a poppy?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Go sod off, for all I care.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43She's not in a bubbly mood, is she?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45So, fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50BUZZER
0:17:50 > 0:17:52It's part of the relationship between China
0:17:52 > 0:17:56and Great Britain and this is a portrait of the Queen
0:17:56 > 0:17:59made in porcelain that this Chinese artist
0:17:59 > 0:18:01is unveiling for our pleasure.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Yes, this is the largest ever sculpture
0:18:03 > 0:18:06made in Chinese white porcelain.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08It's the Queen by artist Chen Dapeng.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Chen said of the Queen...
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Let's have a look at the finished article.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Why's she trying to escape from an ice cream cornet?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Didn't she used to work for Jabba the Hutt?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Chen said this is meant to show her...
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Well, Mark Hudson, the Telegraph art critic, wrote...
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Commenting on the bust of the Queen, the Telegraph reported...
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Anyway, China, good luck with building our nuclear power stations.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04So, fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10BUZZER
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Jeremy Hunt, there he is.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14He's, by a bit of sort of sleight of hand,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17he's saying that he's giving the junior doctors an 11% pay rise,
0:19:17 > 0:19:19but he's increasing the hours that they work.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Yes, this is Jeremy Hunt's ongoing row over junior doctors' contracts.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25What's particularly upsetting doctors?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28That they think they're going to get a pay cut,
0:19:28 > 0:19:30even though the Department of Health
0:19:30 > 0:19:32says that 75% of them will get a pay rise
0:19:32 > 0:19:34and nobody can really work out what the truth is.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37We've tried quite hard, but Jeremy Hunt won't come on our programme.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38Will he not?
0:19:38 > 0:19:42There was a very good letter in the Times about this a few weeks ago.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46Did anyone see it? Yes, but I've forgotten what it was by now.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Dr Anthony Cohen wrote...
0:20:23 > 0:20:26APPLAUSE
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Sticking with sciencey stuff,
0:20:30 > 0:20:33the Times featured a survey this week that revealed
0:20:33 > 0:20:35some of the toughest questions posed by children
0:20:35 > 0:20:38that parents are struggling to answer.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41So, can anyone answer any of these? OK.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47BUZZER
0:20:47 > 0:20:48Ask your mother.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53BELL RINGS
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Same reason the Earth doesn't fall down.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59This child is obviously very stupid.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02We shouldn't be given her airtime, him or her.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03And another question is...
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Are there any other questions from this child?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12"Is a brick wall man-made?" Because that is incredibly thick.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14You've really got a downer on these kids, haven't you?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17What sort of kid looks at a brick wall and says, "Is that man-made?"
0:21:17 > 0:21:19No, it was put there by Jesus.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24One of the other questions was...
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Yes, they do.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30They're just as stupid as you are.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35"We're taking you back to the orphanage. You're no good!"
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Right, this is the ongoing row
0:21:39 > 0:21:41between Jeremy Hunt and junior doctors.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45Jeremy Hunt is currently in the middle of a major A E crisis,
0:21:45 > 0:21:49which, as everyone knows, stands for "arse" and "elbow".
0:21:50 > 0:21:54This week, it was also revealed that just 26 MPs
0:21:54 > 0:21:58have given their recent ?7,000 pay rise to charity.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Even worse, half of them gave it to Kids Company.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04LAUGHTER
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Time now for the Odd One Out Round. One between you this week.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Your four are...
0:22:09 > 0:22:11A Co-op in Whaley Bridge,
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Jekyll and Hyde,
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Danny Dyer's house
0:22:14 > 0:22:15and cats.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17BUZZER
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Jekyll Hyde, ITV's new show, has been going out before the watershed,
0:22:20 > 0:22:22but there's been some scary bits in it
0:22:22 > 0:22:24and people have been complaining. about that.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26So it's about being scared by something.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Cats... People have been phoning the police
0:22:28 > 0:22:31because they've been scared of cats behaving in different ways.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Since Egyptian times, cats have been a certain way,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36but now they've got onto the internet, essentially.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37LAUGHTER
0:22:37 > 0:22:39And Danny Dyer...
0:22:39 > 0:22:41He's scared of ghosts. He's scared of ghosts.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43So he has a haunted house, maybe. Is that true?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Well, no. Because ghosts aren't real.
0:22:45 > 0:22:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:51 > 0:22:56The Co-op is the most haunted convenience store in Britain.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Jekyll Hyde is the odd one out,
0:22:59 > 0:23:03because it's scary but is not haunted.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07No, they are all too scary, apart from cats,
0:23:07 > 0:23:10which we probably should be more scared of.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13This is according to a new study carried out this week
0:23:13 > 0:23:15by the University of Edinburgh.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18So why should we be more scared of cats than we actually are?
0:23:18 > 0:23:20They were neurotic?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Mm. Researches found that your domestic cat
0:23:22 > 0:23:26shares many traits of aggression and neurotic behaviour
0:23:26 > 0:23:30with its larger cousins, such as lions and wild cats.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34So...
0:23:39 > 0:23:43Yeah, because sometimes, the really, really evil cats,
0:23:43 > 0:23:45they'll sit there stroking a small man.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48LAUGHTER
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Yeah, and 800 people have complained about ITV's Jekyll Hyde
0:23:51 > 0:23:55because it's too scary to be shown before the watershed.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57The watershed is there for a reason.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00By 9pm, when mum and dad are watching grown-up telly,
0:24:00 > 0:24:02kids should be upstairs, jimjams on,
0:24:02 > 0:24:05shooting a prostitute in Grand Theft Auto.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10The Co-op in Whaley Bridge, Derbyshire,
0:24:10 > 0:24:12is apparently so haunted
0:24:12 > 0:24:16it was forced to close 90 minutes early on Halloween...
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Who wants to see some evidence of the ghostly goings-on?
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Well, that's convinced me. Oh, look...
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Oh, look at that. Look!
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Any minute now, another ghost is going to come down the aisle
0:24:32 > 0:24:34and slip on them.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40EastEnders hardman Danny Dyer
0:24:40 > 0:24:43recently moved out of his new-build property
0:24:43 > 0:24:46because he believed it was haunted.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Can anyone tell me why Danny was scared?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Poltergeist activity?
0:24:50 > 0:24:51Exactly that.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54He said there was...
0:24:56 > 0:24:59"That spook, it was taking a right liberty!"
0:25:01 > 0:25:04And he kept on hearing a...
0:25:04 > 0:25:07from his 19-year-old daughter's bedroom.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13As well as the knocking, Danny also heard someone shouting her name,
0:25:13 > 0:25:16which his daughter has blamed on the ghost.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Right, time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:25:22 > 0:25:26which this week features as its guest publication Dots Dashes,
0:25:26 > 0:25:29the official publication of the Morse Code Telegraph Club.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32They've really tapped into something!
0:25:33 > 0:25:37And we start with...
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Men dressed as traffic cones
0:25:38 > 0:25:41get drunk student's head up their arse.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Disrupt the traffic?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Yes...
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Here they are...
0:25:54 > 0:25:56It's the Klu Klux Klan!
0:25:56 > 0:25:59You might wonder why on earth a bunch of men
0:25:59 > 0:26:01should want to dress up as traffic cones.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Well, it's just a small diversion!
0:26:05 > 0:26:10Next...
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Recently the victim of robbery by a woman called Dot, who dashed.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Outrageous phone hacking?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26This is from Dots Dashes.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29The cyberattack meant that the Morse Code Club
0:26:29 > 0:26:32have had to revamp their web page, which is now at...
0:26:32 > 0:26:35dash dash dash dash dot dash dot.com.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37LAUGHTER
0:26:37 > 0:26:41And finally...
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Prospects?
0:26:43 > 0:26:45LAUGHTER
0:26:45 > 0:26:47It's actually...
0:26:51 > 0:26:53East London workers were left baffled this week
0:26:53 > 0:26:56after a woman was spotted sitting on a rooftop
0:26:56 > 0:26:57in the nude for four hours.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Here she is on the roof...
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Densely thatched. Well, well...
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Well, can I just point out she's not wearing a poppy,
0:27:08 > 0:27:09which is pretty disgusting.
0:27:09 > 0:27:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:14 > 0:27:17She perched naked on the roof with her legs astride.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Obviously, there were a few whistles.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Well, it was windy up there.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26And so, the final scores are...
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Ian and Cathy have seven points.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31But this week's winners are Paul and Ross with eight. No!
0:27:31 > 0:27:33APPLAUSE
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Well done. That was good.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42We'll be needing this spirit level in a minute, love.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46Next...
0:27:46 > 0:27:48It's a press conference, isn't it?
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Because he's got a press thing in his hat, hasn't he?
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Oh, yeah, Chilcot finally delivers!
0:27:52 > 0:27:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:57 > 0:28:00And I leave you with news that, at the Vatican Synod,
0:28:00 > 0:28:03there are suspicions that four out of five members
0:28:03 > 0:28:05may be smuggling in cakes.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13There's embarrassment as a royal is photographed
0:28:13 > 0:28:15with a '70s children's entertainer
0:28:15 > 0:28:18shortly before his arrest for inappropriate touching.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25And just as he convinces the Labour conference
0:28:25 > 0:28:26that he's a safe pair of hands,
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Jeremy Corbyn drops his falafel wrap.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Goodnight!