0:00:31 > 0:00:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42I'm Victoria Coren Mitchell.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44In the news this week,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47as accusations of doping continue to plague the athletics world,
0:00:47 > 0:00:51there are fears that some athletes may even have resorted
0:00:51 > 0:00:52to taking animal hormones.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Ready, go!
0:01:01 > 0:01:05In a new documentary about the sad fate of former child stars,
0:01:05 > 0:01:08ITV2 catches up with the sun from the Teletubbies.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17And in Los Angeles, after making a fortune in the advertising world,
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Churchill the dog enjoys his retirement on Venice Beach.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31On Ian's team tonight is a comedian and actor
0:01:31 > 0:01:34who went to the same private school as George Osborne,
0:01:34 > 0:01:36which, by my reckoning, makes him
0:01:36 > 0:01:39the fourth poshest person on the show tonight.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Please welcome Hal Cruttenden.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43APPLAUSE
0:01:45 > 0:01:49And with Paul tonight is the traditional right-wing Tory MP
0:01:49 > 0:01:51who once claimed that guitars should be banned
0:01:51 > 0:01:52from the Roman Catholic Mass.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54He really has got a feel
0:01:54 > 0:01:57for what voters are talking about on the doorstep.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Please welcome Jacob Rees-Mogg MP.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02APPLAUSE
0:02:02 > 0:02:06And we start with what is really the only story in the news this week.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Ian and Hal, take a look at this.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Oh, right, yes, big comic story of the week.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15That's France, that's the police.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18That's their rapid reaction force.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Oh, there's our rapid reaction force.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Yeah, this is Paris and the tragedy there.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27And our attempts afterwards
0:02:27 > 0:02:30to work out what to do about what's happened.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32The answer so far being - we don't know.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36How terrified should you be? Should you leave your house at all, ever?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Again?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Or perhaps you should go out just a bit and then run inside quickly.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43It is...
0:02:43 > 0:02:45I mean, it does strike me as one of the few things
0:02:45 > 0:02:48we are still allowed to do is make jokes.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49And laugh.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- So we might have a go at that. - Yes.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55APPLAUSE
0:02:57 > 0:03:01But we have to talk about the aftermath of the events in Paris.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04What has been the British government's immediate response?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Who have they hired?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- Who have they hired? - They've hired 2,000 something.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Spies?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- HAL: Oh, SAS. - Spies?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- Should we know that? - 1,900 extras.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17LAUGHTER
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- Do you know what that will cost? - About £2 billion, I think.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25£2 billion for the SAS, another £2 billion for cyber security.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Where's this money suddenly come from?
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Back of the sofa in the Chancellor's office.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34It comes from the magnificent management of the economy
0:03:34 > 0:03:36that the government has done.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39..the essential requirements of the safety of the nation.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41I knew there'd be some comedy tonight.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Let's talk about the football match.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51What was remarkable about the football match on Tuesday?
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Oh, the English crowd joined with the French supporters in singing
0:03:55 > 0:03:58the French national anthem, which was a chance to show solidarity.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Which is not always the mark
0:03:59 > 0:04:03- of the supporter of the professional football game.- I love the way...
0:04:03 > 0:04:05It was sort of a little bit,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08the way the England fans sang that French national anthem,
0:04:08 > 0:04:12it reminded me of John Redwood at the Welsh Party Conference.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15That sort of... # Allons enfants de la Patrie... #
0:04:15 > 0:04:16It was wonderful.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20- Are you suggesting everyone didn't know all the words?- Yes.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- I don't know them. Do you know them? - Well, yeah, obviously.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Not everyone knows the words to the English national anthem.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29I think the leader of the Labour Party
0:04:29 > 0:04:31wasn't too clear on them a few weeks ago.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- Now, I must...- Oh, God!
0:04:35 > 0:04:38And the Marseillaise is quite bloodthirsty, really.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42It is quite a full-on, defensive number,
0:04:42 > 0:04:44which is why it was quite moving really.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47But I think the French national anthem is perfect for this
0:04:47 > 0:04:49because it is all about we're going to stand up,
0:04:49 > 0:04:51whereas ours is all about just saving the Queen.
0:04:51 > 0:04:56We've already got enough security around her. It should really be...
0:04:56 > 0:04:57Yeah.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Wembley Stadium looked magnificent. The tricolor was up there.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04The Tricolour has been put on various things.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06There are questions about taste.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Facebook brought in a Tricolour colour filter
0:05:08 > 0:05:10that everyone could have on their Facebook page.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13And Apple did that. And then there's...
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Oh, look, there's the bit where the tax should be.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Then there's Uber, the curious cab company. They did that.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28There seems to be a bit of a pile-up north of the river.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33One of the most touching corporate tributes, this website...
0:05:33 > 0:05:36GASPS AND LAUGHTER
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Oh, that's proper solidarity.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Is that really true? I'm going to look that up when I get home.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51That's the most pathetic excuse I've ever heard.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56How did Kay Burley of Sky News capture the national mood?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Ah, yes, this was a picture of a Labrador, I think,
0:05:59 > 0:06:02a Labrador which she said had sadness in his eyes.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Yes, that's what Kay Burley tweeted.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07And people on Twitter were quick to respond with their own tweets.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Here's one.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- There's another here. - I'm sure I've met him.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Now, that is sad.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Anybody else say anything particularly intemperate?
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Nigel Farage said something stupid, didn't he?
0:06:29 > 0:06:33- Surely not.- Yes. He did.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Was he saying stop all the refugees coming or something? That was his...
0:06:36 > 0:06:40Rupert Murdoch had something to say about refugees. He's tweeted...
0:06:46 > 0:06:50One of the Republican presidential candidates has said the same.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Is it really embarrassing being right-wing sometimes?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55LAUGHTER
0:06:55 > 0:06:58APPLAUSE
0:06:59 > 0:07:02All I can say to that is Jeremy Corbyn.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07APPLAUSE
0:07:07 > 0:07:11You mentioned Jeremy Corbyn. How's he been coping with these events?
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Well, he is a principled pacifist and he has expressed those views
0:07:15 > 0:07:18and said that the police shouldn't necessarily shoot to kill terrorists,
0:07:18 > 0:07:21and he seems to have very little support from his own MPs
0:07:21 > 0:07:25in saying this, who have rather revelled in taking a stronger line.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29I don't agree with him on this, but I rather admire his courage in saying
0:07:29 > 0:07:33something that is so deeply unpopular but which he profoundly believes.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35That's a very generous thing to say.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38I think that's a very generous thing to say.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40APPLAUSE
0:07:40 > 0:07:42And because I'm so unpleasant,
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- I'll just point out he retracted it less than a day later...- Yes.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49..which is strongly principled in the sense of not being.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52There is probably someone going, "For God's sake, just say yes.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54"Just say you'll press the button,
0:07:54 > 0:07:56"do your top button up and just do it.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00"Just lie, Jeremy, till we're in power.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04"That's what the Tories do, just lie till we're in power, and that's..."
0:08:04 > 0:08:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Anyway, if Labour win the next election,
0:08:07 > 0:08:10he'll be 70 and if he doesn't want to press the nuclear button,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12it'll be easy to overpower him.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16There was an allegedly stormy meeting
0:08:16 > 0:08:17of the Parliamentary Labour Party.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20You say his MPs don't seem to support him,
0:08:20 > 0:08:21many of them attacked him.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24What was Diane Abbott doing at this meeting?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I think that's private, isn't it?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31- Tweeting?- No.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- Sexting? - She was doing...
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- LAUGHTER - Is that the same thing?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38- In a way...- In a way.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40..according to the Mirror...
0:08:47 > 0:08:50The G20 summit was held in Turkey this week.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53What were the US and the major European nations
0:08:53 > 0:08:55trying to achieve at that summit?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58They were trying to get Putin to stop attacking the Free Syrian Army,
0:08:58 > 0:09:01concentrate on fighting ISIS, so we all have a big coalition.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02He was sitting there in the corner
0:09:02 > 0:09:04like the one that nobody wants to talk to.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07They all go over and have their own little individual meetings with him.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Well, shall we have a look at a meeting with Obama and Putin?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12There they are in the corner.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14And to really know what they were talking about,
0:09:14 > 0:09:16there is one fellow we could ask.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Did you see the chap listening to that conversation?- No.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Let's have a look.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23So here's a bigger picture and you can see there in the corner,
0:09:23 > 0:09:26you see Obama and Putin, and just watch this fellow just subtly
0:09:26 > 0:09:28coming in for a bit of a listen.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Yes, this is the aftermath of the terrorist attacks in Paris.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43One man leading the hunt for the terrorists
0:09:43 > 0:09:46is Belgium's interior security minister...
0:09:47 > 0:09:51..showing defiance to Islamic State, even with his surname.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53APPLAUSE
0:09:55 > 0:09:57- Paul and Jacob, take a look at this.- OK.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Yes, that's Parliament.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- Now, what is this? It looks like parchment.- Act of Parliament...
0:10:02 > 0:10:04GOAT SCREAMS
0:10:07 > 0:10:08LAUGHTER
0:10:08 > 0:10:11I don't think that's from one of my speeches.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15The Acts of Parliament have been put on vellum forever
0:10:15 > 0:10:18and to save £80,000, the kid at the end of it,
0:10:18 > 0:10:21because I think vellum comes from kids, are going to be saved
0:10:21 > 0:10:23and there will be no more vellum
0:10:23 > 0:10:27and our laws will now be written on ordinary paper.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29So that was just relief from that kid?
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Do you know, I don't actually talk to animals, so I don't know...
0:10:34 > 0:10:36LAUGHTER
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I'm not Dr Dolittle.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40APPLAUSE
0:10:41 > 0:10:45Vellum is very permanent and laws are very seriously important things
0:10:45 > 0:10:47and we ought to have respect for the law and, physically,
0:10:47 > 0:10:49it ought to be impressive
0:10:49 > 0:10:53and therefore to spend a little extra to reinforce that symbolism is,
0:10:53 > 0:10:56I think, worth doing if we're to maintain respect for the law.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Is the law definitely more impressive
0:10:57 > 0:10:59if it's written on a goat?
0:11:02 > 0:11:03It physically lasts longer.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Which other money-making schemes were criticised this week?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09It was the tax credit cuts again.
0:11:09 > 0:11:14Conservative MP Stephen McPartland said, "A majority of Tory MPs
0:11:14 > 0:11:17"want George Osborne to drop his tax credit cuts."
0:11:17 > 0:11:18Are you among them, Jacob?
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Well, the Chancellor said he's going to come forward
0:11:20 > 0:11:24with plans at the Autumn Statement so I wait and see.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26I missed the answer.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:28 > 0:11:30I don't know...
0:11:32 > 0:11:36We're still running a huge budget deficit, cuts need to be made
0:11:36 > 0:11:38and major cuts into the billions of pounds...
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Is this part of the economic success you were talking about?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44The economic success...
0:11:44 > 0:11:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Absolutely.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51The job is not completed, there's still money that needs to be saved.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- Yeah. You could raise tax, couldn't you?- We have.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Well, you could raise it a bit more.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57Interestingly, probably not.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01The rate of tax, as a percentage of GDP that is raised currently,
0:12:01 > 0:12:04is within the bounds of the highest level we've ever raised.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08Yeah, but Vodafone and Google, they could pay tax, couldn't they?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11APPLAUSE
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- Absolutely and... - So you'll be going after those?
0:12:14 > 0:12:18- The Chancellor's done this, he's done exactly this.- Has he?
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- Do they know that? - He'll introduce plans to...
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- They'll find out. - They'll find out, will they?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- They'll be getting a letter through, will they?- Well, the Chancellor...
0:12:26 > 0:12:29"Dear Facebook, we've just noticed you've been taking the piss.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30"Here's the amount."
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Tax laws are being reformed to ensure that foreign companies
0:12:34 > 0:12:37make a bigger contribution, that's a perfectly reasonable thing to do.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41Who wrote to his local county council to complain about cuts?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- David Cameron! - It was David Cameron.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46He couldn't understand why these cuts were being made.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49The thing about not being connected with the real world -
0:12:49 > 0:12:52do you even understand what I'm talking about, Jacob?
0:12:54 > 0:12:55He did do that.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58David Cameron wrote to Oxfordshire County Council to say
0:12:58 > 0:13:00he was worried about...
0:13:08 > 0:13:10He's doing something perfectly reasonable, let me defend...
0:13:10 > 0:13:12LAUGHTER
0:13:12 > 0:13:15- Let me defend the Prime Minister. - Good luck.- Yeah, perhaps.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17But what he was doing was saying to the council that they should
0:13:17 > 0:13:19make different choices.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22The idea that there isn't waste in local councils that can be
0:13:22 > 0:13:25reallocated to the really important services is one that I think
0:13:25 > 0:13:29is false and he was encouraging them to do that reallocation.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31They did send back quite a long letter
0:13:31 > 0:13:32saying why they couldn't do that
0:13:32 > 0:13:34saying no, we've cut everything else,
0:13:34 > 0:13:35now we've got to cut this.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38And the reason we've got to make these cuts is because
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Central Office has off-loaded most of the cuts onto local government.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42I'm just paraphrasing.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46I think it shows he's got a real division
0:13:46 > 0:13:48between his being-at-work and being-at-home
0:13:48 > 0:13:53cos isn't he writing in the capacity of being a resident of Oxfordshire?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56So, he's at home, he's walked through the door and he's no longer
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Prime Minister, he's now a normal citizen getting angry.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02He probably watches himself on telly going, "LIAR!"
0:14:02 > 0:14:04He could be the...
0:14:04 > 0:14:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:06 > 0:14:07You know, he's...
0:14:07 > 0:14:12I think it's nice, he becomes at-home David, doesn't he?
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Let's talk about the Lincoln MP Karl McCartney.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Karl McCartney, I never thought I'd hear that name again.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23Five years ago in Cairo, me and him had this secret affair.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25We kissed each other on the balcony...
0:14:25 > 0:14:28But, no, I'd better not say any of this, I've no idea who he is.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32He may cost us £15,000. Do you know why?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Because I have just libelled him.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40I didn't kiss him on the balcony.
0:14:42 > 0:14:4615,000? That's not going to cover the lawyer reading the letter!
0:14:46 > 0:14:49I bow to your superior experience.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55No, it's to do with the way his name is written.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57He wants the parliamentary records changed
0:14:57 > 0:15:01because they print his name with a small C, like this, and he thinks
0:15:01 > 0:15:06it should be written with a sort of floaty C, like this.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08So far, it has cost several hundred pounds to change
0:15:08 > 0:15:11the parliamentary records but changing it
0:15:11 > 0:15:15on Hansard and the House of Commons website could cost £10,000-£15,000.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16That's because it's written on vellum
0:15:16 > 0:15:19and you can't easily rub it out.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21But that's absolutely ridiculous.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Not on his wanting his name spelt properly, most people do,
0:15:23 > 0:15:26but that it should cost that sort of money to make a tiny little
0:15:26 > 0:15:29change on a computer system where even I -
0:15:29 > 0:15:32I don't hold myself up as a great expert in this field -
0:15:32 > 0:15:36know that you can change fonts on machines quite easily.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Most of us want our names spelt correctly, don't we?
0:15:38 > 0:15:42- It's a reasonable ambition in life. - May I just say...
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Achievable for most of us.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47..I find you extremely attractive.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59- My wife is in the audience. - Is your wife...? I'm so sorry.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Would you like the rest of us to discreetly make an exit?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04I don't need anybody to do anything about it,
0:16:04 > 0:16:07I just thought I would mention it along the way.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08Let's talk about Sir John Chilcot.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Yeah, why not? That will kill the mood.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16Are you going to tell me you find him very attractive?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18You like a man who takes his time.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Last week, Sir John was pictured enjoying himself at a bus stop.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Well, The Sun has been following him and taking photos.
0:16:29 > 0:16:34They found him at his country home in Devon at 4pm on a Friday.
0:16:34 > 0:16:39How long does it take to make the 200 mile trip from Westminster
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- to Devon?- Five hours.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Quite a long time because the roads aren't very good.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45He would have needed to leave at midday.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48And he could have spent all that time just writing out...
0:16:48 > 0:16:51"Blair is guilty."
0:16:57 > 0:17:00This is the news that Parliament is about to be dragged kicking
0:17:00 > 0:17:03and screaming into the 19th century by abandoning
0:17:03 > 0:17:06vellum in favour of this new stuff called paper.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Meanwhile, Tory MP Karl McCartney
0:17:08 > 0:17:10has asked for his name to be typed differently on
0:17:10 > 0:17:14parliamentary records in a move that could cost the taxpayer £15,000.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18He is said to be unhappy that his name is spelt with a lower-case C.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Don't worry, Mr McCartney, I'm sure we will all use a big C from now on.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27And so to Round Two, The One Armed Bandit Of News.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37- BELL - Blimey.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38Ian and Hal.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42I think this is a man who went on holiday and filmed his whole holiday
0:17:42 > 0:17:44with the camera round the wrong way, filming him.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49So that was his whole holiday, was just a picture of his face going,
0:17:49 > 0:17:51"Oh, that's good."
0:17:58 > 0:17:59That is absolutely right.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Yes, he borrowed his son's mini video camera
0:18:01 > 0:18:05- to document the trip of a lifetime...- Oh, no...
0:18:05 > 0:18:06..to Las Vegas.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09He had the camera pointing the wrong way for the entire trip.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12- Shall we have a look at his highlights?- Yes.- Yes.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Look at that.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19That's the view looking down, see?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Whoo!
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Where are we going for breakfast?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40He did, ironically, attempt to take a selfie on this trip.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Shall we have a look? That's his selfie.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here is the next one.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- BUZZER - Paul and Jacob.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Well, I think this is to do with athletics
0:19:02 > 0:19:03and that they are all taking drugs.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- Not everybody is taking drugs. - Well, the English don't.- No.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08And nor do the...
0:19:08 > 0:19:12- Nor do the Scots, the Welsh or the Northern Irish.- That's right.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14But everyone else seems to.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18And there has been a great row about this.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20- One country in particular. - Russia.- Yeah.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Russia has been suspended from competing
0:19:22 > 0:19:24in international athletics. Why?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Because they are all taking drugs and have done...
0:19:27 > 0:19:31And have done for years and they have fiddled the testing regime.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33The key with this one, I think, is that they have said that
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Russia was complicit in the doping of individual athletes.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Do you know what I like? It's the World Anti-Doping Agency, or Wada.
0:19:39 > 0:19:44It's just that image of the Russians going, "Oh, yeah, Wada, Wada, Wada."
0:19:44 > 0:19:47President of the International Association
0:19:47 > 0:19:49of Athletics Federations, Sebastian Coe,
0:19:49 > 0:19:52is he the right person to be leading the clean-up?
0:19:52 > 0:19:53A lot of people think not.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Some of his other interests have been called into question.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57What are they?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59He works for Nike.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Well, it's various things.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Sebastian Coe is the executive chairman of sports marketing firm
0:20:03 > 0:20:05CSM, which represents...
0:20:09 > 0:20:11He is also a special adviser at Nike.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13He has his own parking space there
0:20:13 > 0:20:17and he is paid £90,000 to advise the firm.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21Coincidentally, Nike sponsors the Russian track and field athletes.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Oh, it's all quite compromising, isn't it?
0:20:25 > 0:20:29- I just... It's a point of view. It's not a fact.- No.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32But the lawyers are there again, 15 grand...
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Lord Coe was also once chairman of Fifa's ethics committee.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- Oh, well, there we are - I didn't know they had one!
0:20:40 > 0:20:43I do want to talk about a football match.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46How did one footballer protest at a linesman this week?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- It's an unusual method of protest. - Did he...?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52He was sent off and he went home to the linesman's house,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55disguised himself as the linesman's wife...
0:20:55 > 0:20:57had a very fruity Saturday night
0:20:57 > 0:21:01and then in the morning revealed who he was.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04You're not as far as you might think.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08This was a derby match between two Spanish lower league sides in which
0:21:08 > 0:21:11a disgruntled player was watching from the stands...
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Wow!
0:21:26 > 0:21:28- This is...- Is there no footage?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36This is the news from the world of athletics that Russia has been
0:21:36 > 0:21:39taking the piss and systematically destroying it.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46The Times listed all the finishers in the women's 1,500 metres
0:21:46 > 0:21:49final at the London Olympics, which featured four drug cheats,
0:21:49 > 0:21:52including Yekaterina Kostetskaya, who came ninth.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55The Russians have launched an urgent inquiry into how someone
0:21:55 > 0:21:57who took that many drugs could be that shit.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Time now for the Odd One Out Round. Just one between you this week.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03Your four are...
0:22:03 > 0:22:06a Google car, the blink of an eye,
0:22:06 > 0:22:09a Japanese runner and Bertie the Tortoise.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10BUZZER
0:22:10 > 0:22:14It must be about speed, mustn't it? We have got a tortoise there.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16The Google car...
0:22:16 > 0:22:20- A car was stopped for going too slowly by California police.- OK.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24The Japanese runner, he seems to be quite an old looking man
0:22:24 > 0:22:27so I would imagine he doesn't move that quickly these days.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29He's probably a marathon runner,
0:22:29 > 0:22:31does it between February and October.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34The tortoise is the odd one out because that is the obvious
0:22:34 > 0:22:36one to go slowly so it must be the odd one out.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38The tortoise is the odd one out
0:22:38 > 0:22:41because they are all too slow, apart from the tortoise which
0:22:41 > 0:22:44recently broke the tortoise world speed record.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Was it falling off a mountain?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- We need to have a look at him. - Yes.- Yes, let's have a look at him.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53- He is on something.- Yes.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Looks like tarmac.
0:22:59 > 0:23:00Thank God the tyres are there.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Yes, actually, he might hit them at high speed and burst into flames!
0:23:06 > 0:23:10Scientists have discovered that "a blink of an eye" is slower
0:23:10 > 0:23:14than "a drop of a hat". They have been studying speed cliches.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Yes, they measured the drop of a hat at 5.7 metres per second and
0:23:20 > 0:23:25the blink of an eye was slower than that. 6.94 metres per second was...
0:23:29 > 0:23:30What about shit off a shovel?
0:23:36 > 0:23:40- What about the Japanese gentleman? - What about the Japanese gentleman?
0:23:40 > 0:23:44- He's 105.- Oh, I didn't realise. - 105-year-old Hidekichi Miyazaki
0:23:44 > 0:23:46became the world's oldest competitive sprinter
0:23:46 > 0:23:50when he completed the 100 metres in 42.22 seconds.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- Shall we have a look at him in action?- He's doing well.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:24:02 > 0:24:04- I think he is doing very well.- Yeah.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07APPLAUSE
0:24:11 > 0:24:15He will be dating Jerry Hall in no time.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Why was Mr Miyazaki
0:24:17 > 0:24:21- disappointed after the race? - He failed to beat his own record.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Yes, he had hoped to go faster. He said...
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- What does he put his slow time down to?- The fact he is 105.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37He was the only non-Russian in the race.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Mr Miyazaki told reporters he...
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Yes, 105-year-old Hidekichi Miyazaki
0:24:49 > 0:24:53was disappointed with his 100 metres time of 42.22 seconds.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56At the end of the race, Mr Miyazaki gave a urine sample.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59No-one asked him to but it had been 42 seconds since his last one.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:25:01 > 0:25:03which this week features as its guest publication
0:25:03 > 0:25:07Chess Moves, the newsletter of the English Chess Federation.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09The editor always keeps his door firmly shut
0:25:09 > 0:25:11because he hates draughts.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13AUDIENCE GROANS
0:25:13 > 0:25:14It could be true.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18And we start with...
0:25:20 > 0:25:21To run Fifa.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Snap election.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27AUDIENCE GROANS
0:25:27 > 0:25:29If you're going to start groaning, you need to come out
0:25:29 > 0:25:31and do your own jokes.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34APPLAUSE
0:25:34 > 0:25:36The answer is...
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Indonesia's anti-drugs agency is planning to build a
0:25:43 > 0:25:46prison on an island guarded by crocodiles to hold death row
0:25:46 > 0:25:49convicts because the animals cannot be bribed.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Some people are on death row due to false allegations,
0:25:51 > 0:25:54for which you have to blame the "alligator".
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Next...
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Drank a cocktail. Ruled India.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Reflected about the old times between the wars.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12"Myself and Bunty were on the beach.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15"Do you think the sea will ever change, darling?
0:26:15 > 0:26:16"Will it always be wave after wave?"
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Next...
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Is this accountant?
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- It is something festive. - Fatty Christmas boy.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44You're fatty Christmas boy. Jacob knows what it is.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45I think I know what it is.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48I think it is for people to untangle the wires of your Christmas lights.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49- It is!- Why?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51What is a fatty Christmas boy?!
0:26:54 > 0:26:56You are right. It is for...
0:27:00 > 0:27:01And finally...
0:27:04 > 0:27:08Adam created clothes because he found nakedness embarrassing.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10- But that is not exactly a new story, is it?- No.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16It is more topical than that...
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Here he is.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31His other arm appears to be the same length.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33That is to stop him looking stupid.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38The good news is, he doesn't have to take selfies any more
0:27:38 > 0:27:40because he's now in a relationship...
0:27:40 > 0:27:41with Mr Tickle.
0:27:41 > 0:27:46So, the final scores are... Ian and Hal with four points,
0:27:46 > 0:27:49- Paul and Jacob with seven. - Outrageous.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51APPLAUSE
0:27:54 > 0:27:57And I leave you with news that after spending decades
0:27:57 > 0:27:59watching her husband fail to win promotion at work,
0:27:59 > 0:28:03one impatient wife decides to take matters into her own hands.
0:28:10 > 0:28:11At a meeting of European leaders,
0:28:11 > 0:28:15one delegate tries to raise morale by burping the alphabet.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21And in Harley Street, there are fears that things may not
0:28:21 > 0:28:25quite have gone to plan with Alan Yentob's cosmetic surgery.
0:28:29 > 0:28:30Goodnight.