0:00:24 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:41Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You - I'm Jo Brand.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45In the news this week, in Kettering, after killing the neighbour's cat,
0:00:45 > 0:00:48the perpetrator cleans away all traces of the crime.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58At a funfair in Moscow,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01the WikiLeaks whistle-blower Edward Snowden
0:01:01 > 0:01:03makes a rare public appearance.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10And despite the criticism of their failings,
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Belgian security forces are confident of catching
0:01:12 > 0:01:14another group of suspects.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
0:01:39 > 0:01:42who now has his own sitcom on BBC 3 -
0:01:42 > 0:01:44but we only have his word for that.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Please welcome Josh Widdicombe.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48APPLAUSE
0:01:52 > 0:01:56And with Paul tonight is the leader of the Liberal Democrats,
0:01:56 > 0:01:59and a committed Christian, who recently said...
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Don't know about God, but that's certainly the voters' plan.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Please welcome Tim Farron MP.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11APPLAUSE
0:02:15 > 0:02:18And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Paul and Tim, take a look at this, please.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Ah, yes, this is Putin.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23There's planes, and there's bombs being dropped -
0:02:23 > 0:02:25there's the bombs, in black and white.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28There's Cameron saying, "This is where I'm going to be hiding."
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Yes, so it's the real world's attempts
0:02:30 > 0:02:33to frighten the bejesus out of us again
0:02:33 > 0:02:36by these Russians having had a plane shot down by Turkey,
0:02:36 > 0:02:38but it hasn't led to another world war yet.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41There's sanctions - and whenever you hear the word "sanctions",
0:02:41 > 0:02:42that's always a relief.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45How have the Turkish defended their actions?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48- Oh, they've released the warnings. - They've released the tape.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51They have - they've released an audio recording
0:02:51 > 0:02:54which apparently shows Turkish air forces warning the Russian planes.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57A voice is heard saying in English...
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Well, it's a fencing championship.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Bizarre, isn't it?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Do you think Turkey's actions were an overreaction?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Well... I wouldn't have done it.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Does Russia have any history
0:03:21 > 0:03:23of violating other countries' air space?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25TIM: Not that I'm aware of.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Don't worry, you're not going to be Prime Minister just yet.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Not yet, not yet.
0:03:31 > 0:03:36- I think you're safe with an opinion for a...a while.- How long? Ah.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39So far, Russia's response has been more restrained
0:03:39 > 0:03:42than we might have thought. According to the Mirror...
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Because...
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Really? I just get Nectar points on mine. But, um...
0:03:56 > 0:03:58LAUGHTER
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Now, Putin's released pictures
0:04:00 > 0:04:05of his new multimillion pound three-storey war room in Moscow,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07from where he directs Russia's air strikes.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Is that a storey for each world war?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Well...
0:04:11 > 0:04:13I hope not - do you want to have a look at it?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15- Yeah, go on, then.- Yep.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16JOSH: Why is Putin in, like...
0:04:16 > 0:04:20If that was a theatre, he hasn't even paid to be in the stalls.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24That is the exact set of Spectre.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28I know I'm slightly obsessed by this film, but...
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Can't over the fact that once again
0:04:30 > 0:04:31you were passed over for the role of...
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- LAUGHTER - ..Miss Moneypenny.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38And the Turkish leader, Erdogan, has been talking tough.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- Do you want to see him talking tough?- Yeah!- We would.- Totally.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42Let's have a look, then.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44HE SPEAKS TURKISH IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE
0:04:50 > 0:04:53It's nice to hear the Bee Gees' influence, still,
0:04:53 > 0:04:54in modern politics.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58How has David Cameron argued in favour of air strikes this week?
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Keep us safer, he said.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02He did say that.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05What's the Lib Dem position
0:05:05 > 0:05:08on air strikes against Islamic State in Syria, then?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11If it's legal, and it's effective, then, you know, you consider it.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13I think it's probably legal.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17We're basing a lot of this on, you know, stuff we don't really know,
0:05:17 > 0:05:20and it's a big deal when you're voting to send people's kids to war.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22And it's trust.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26- Mm.- And the Prime Minister's saying, "Trust me."- "I'm a politician."
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Cos very recently, I suggested going into Syria on the other side.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- To bomb Assad.- Mm.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Year later, I'm saying exactly the opposite.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38- But he DOES want to bomb Syria. We're sure of that.- Yeah.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- A different bit this time. - Consistent.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43APPLAUSE
0:05:43 > 0:05:46What's Jeremy Corbyn done now?
0:05:46 > 0:05:47- He's been writing letters.- He has.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Was Jeremy Corbyn's letter just from his mum,
0:05:50 > 0:05:52saying, "Jeremy can't come to Cabinet today"?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56He's written letters to all of his MPs.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59I don't need to bother doing that, I can just talk to them,
0:05:59 > 0:06:01cos...we're that close together.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03He's written a letter to all his MPs
0:06:03 > 0:06:06saying that he cannot vote for the air strikes,
0:06:06 > 0:06:07or whatever it's going to be.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10How's it gone down with his Shadow Cabinet?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- It's bombed.- Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:06:12 > 0:06:14MAN CACKLES
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Thank you.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Why are they particularly so annoyed with him?
0:06:19 > 0:06:22They keep talking about collective responsibility in the Cabinet -
0:06:22 > 0:06:25the Shadow Cabinet. Sorry! How ridiculous!
0:06:26 > 0:06:29The Shadow Cabinet coming to agreements about things,
0:06:29 > 0:06:30and then he just makes announcements.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Yeah, he just doesn't consult anyone.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34I thought a lot of them were ringing you up and saying,
0:06:34 > 0:06:36"Can I come and join your party?"
0:06:36 > 0:06:39The latter bit might not be true, but the first bit's true.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40What, there are a lot of them ringing you up?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42They did, a little while ago.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44I think they're just fuming to each other.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45JOSH: And what are they saying?
0:06:45 > 0:06:50They're saying how sad they are that their party is left of centre now.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Are you working at the Samaritans?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55It kind of...
0:06:55 > 0:06:57I feel that that is my role.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01If US coalition and Russia fail to rid the world of Isis,
0:07:01 > 0:07:05which unlikely hero can we rely on to do the job instead?
0:07:05 > 0:07:06- Is it Hillary Clinton?- No.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09It's US stay-at-home mom Linda Glocke
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- Nice and smiley, isn't she, Linda Glocke?- Yes, lovely.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13Yes, nice and smiley, isn't she?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15She posted on a social media site...
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Well, thank goodness someone's stepped up to the plate.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Now, meanwhile, the Mafia has warned Isis to stay out of New York.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Oh, right!
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Giovanni Gambino, a Mafia boss' son, said...
0:07:47 > 0:07:50So, this is the continuing mess in Syria.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54David Cameron has been trying to persuade MPs to support air strikes.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56He's embarking on a high-risk strategy
0:07:56 > 0:08:00involving himself in a civil war with fanatical factions
0:08:00 > 0:08:03fighting each other to topple an unpopular leader.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06But what can he do? He needs those Labour votes.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08MAN LAUGHS DISTINCTLY
0:08:08 > 0:08:10LAUGHTER
0:08:10 > 0:08:14You were told not to bring pets into the audience!
0:08:14 > 0:08:18According to the Guardian, Ed Miliband this week said...
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Well, if anyone knows - it's not him.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Ian and Josh, take a look at this.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30It's another budget.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Um...
0:08:33 > 0:08:35"Where have they hidden?"
0:08:35 > 0:08:39And that's the new rapid reaction police force.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42That's the last time you could afford to buy a house.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Yeah, George Osborne's done a U-turn in his autumn speech.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Everything he said he was going to do, he hasn't done.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51So, he's not going to cut the police, he's not going to
0:08:51 > 0:08:54cut tax credits, there's plenty of money for the armed forces,
0:08:54 > 0:08:57plenty of money for the SAS, money for everything... What you got? What you want?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59It's, it's an extraordinary U-turn.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00I mean, presumably, he...
0:09:00 > 0:09:03He was watching this programme when there was some
0:09:03 > 0:09:04mild criticism(!)...
0:09:06 > 0:09:08..of his initial budget, and he's come to his senses.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Do you think, Paul, that's cos you had a chat with
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Jacob Rees-Mogg about it last week, and it's had some effect
0:09:14 > 0:09:15on him? He's gone and...
0:09:15 > 0:09:18I don't think anything from the 21st century could have any effect
0:09:18 > 0:09:20on Jacob Rees-Mogg whatsoever.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23If I was sitting here wearing a periwig, I might have got through
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- to him.- Well, according to the Mirror, he...
0:09:36 > 0:09:39But whose victory was it, really? Because quite a few people
0:09:39 > 0:09:42were claiming it...
0:09:42 > 0:09:44TIM: Definitely me.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00- Hey!- Thank you very much. - It was a vote in the Lords...
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- It was.- And it was a lot of your lot.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05It was our Lords who voted against it, to scrap it.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09So I think we can claim at least as much credit as the Mirror.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12APPLAUSE
0:10:14 > 0:10:17How did Labour press home their advantage?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20This is the less happy bit of the story.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23He got out Chairman Mao's Little Red Book, the Shadow Chancellor...
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Yes, John McDonnell, he did.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27It was meant to be a joke.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29It was him saying, "You know, you've sold a lot
0:10:29 > 0:10:32"of Britain to China, this is how they're going to deal with you."
0:10:32 > 0:10:35But he didn't think - for the vast majority of people they'd
0:10:35 > 0:10:38be thinking, "Oh, you're a former communist and you're now
0:10:38 > 0:10:40"waving Chairman Mao's book around."
0:10:40 > 0:10:44So then he threw the book...across the chamber
0:10:44 > 0:10:48and Osborne - I do hate to say this - came up with a joke.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51He said, "Ah, it's your personally-signed copy."
0:10:54 > 0:10:57You see, you're laughing at a Tory Chancellor.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00That's how bad things have got in this country.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03How's George Osborne managing to do all this, when he was saying,
0:11:03 > 0:11:06only a few weeks ago, that huge cuts were necessary?
0:11:06 > 0:11:10The day before, someone said, "You have an extra 27 billion."
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Largely coming from tax - which is the other way to raise money,
0:11:14 > 0:11:17apart from cutting spending. I like the description of him
0:11:17 > 0:11:20as the "lucky Chancellor". I mean, unbelievably lucky.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Yes, but he's still going to cut 12 billion from welfare.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27So, he just hasn't said yet where he is taking that from.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31It might be from you, madam. Who knows? None of us know.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34That would be better, wouldn't it? Just pick on one person.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Everyone else...
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I think if you put that to the country and said,
0:11:39 > 0:11:42"There's 12 billion. Do you want to share it out between you?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44"Or one of you takes the hit?"
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Can I vote for Andrew Lloyd Webber?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52He can take it.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55What's George Osborne's big plan?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- What's his big plan?- Yeah. - Become leader.- Yeah, become leader
0:11:58 > 0:12:00of the Conservative Party. Move from number 11 to number 10
0:12:00 > 0:12:03and not hold that red box up any more.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Yeah, that and to get the debt down.
0:12:05 > 0:12:10At the moment... Does anyone know how much it is at the moment?
0:12:10 > 0:12:11It's about a trillion.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13It's 1.56 trillion and rising.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Look, here it is counting up, see...
0:12:15 > 0:12:17JOSH: Oh, my God.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18TIM: Seems to be going quicker.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21JOSH: Someone has to stop him, it's still going!
0:12:21 > 0:12:24We should have that above Trafalgar Square.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27And we have Andrew Lloyd Webber handcuffed next to it.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Every time it goes past, like, another million,
0:12:32 > 0:12:33he gets a slap.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38APPLAUSE
0:12:38 > 0:12:42How did Robert Peston cover the Autumn Statement on his
0:12:42 > 0:12:43last Ten O'Clock News.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46He song and danced it, didn't he? Came down some steps
0:12:46 > 0:12:48in a top hat, twirling cane... Silver-topped cane...
0:12:48 > 0:12:51# The news is breaking tonight!
0:12:51 > 0:12:54# Osborne says it's all right
0:12:54 > 0:12:56# He's the Chancellor, I'm... #
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- You know, you know...- Yeah.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02I was really excited to see how far that was going to go.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04I shouldn't have... I was trying to rhyme Chancellor
0:13:04 > 0:13:06and I backed out of it.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09# I'll show you my pecker I'm from the Exchequer! #
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Now, we mustn't forget Ukip in all this.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20What did single, solitary, powerless Ukip MP Douglas Carswell say
0:13:20 > 0:13:22about the Autumn Statement?
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- Ooh, I don't remember. - He pointed out that...
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Apparently, they've spent...
0:13:37 > 0:13:39To be fair, that's a lot of corks.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Apparently, you can sometimes do a Nigel Farage impression,
0:13:44 > 0:13:46- is that right? - I once did a Nigel Farage impression.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- Did it go down well?- Well, it was me v Clegg in the warm-ups
0:13:49 > 0:13:52for the Nick v Nige things last year.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55- All I did was make stuff up, which is what he does.- Yes.- Simple.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Put on a purple tie, drank quite a lot - brilliant.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Ian, do you have any political impressions you'd like to give us?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06He's got a good Pitt the Younger.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11He's doing it now, that's it now.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13And this is Pitt the Elder...
0:14:14 > 0:14:17I had a go at doing political impressions -
0:14:17 > 0:14:19it didn't go very well, so I've... I gave them up.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- Who'd you do?- Er, Tony Benn...- OK.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24But I can only do Tony Benn singing Alesha Dixon.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28# Does she wash up?
0:14:28 > 0:14:29# She never washes up
0:14:29 > 0:14:32# Does she brush up? No, she never brushes up. #
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- Can I kill this fly? - Yeah, it's really...
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Can't we negotiate first?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45I'll just ring the UN.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Has it gone over your airspace?
0:14:52 > 0:14:53En garde!
0:14:55 > 0:14:56En garde?!
0:15:00 > 0:15:04And so to Round Two, the Scrambler of News.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Buzz when you know what it is.
0:15:08 > 0:15:09BUZZ
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Oh, this is the boy who...
0:15:11 > 0:15:13I saw this, this is why I'm able to press the button
0:15:13 > 0:15:15and answer with some authority.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17He was singing the Australian national anthem
0:15:17 > 0:15:18but he got a bout of hiccups
0:15:18 > 0:15:20so he sort of hiccupped his way through it.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21AUDIENCE: Aw-w!
0:15:21 > 0:15:24But, no, it's OK because he got severely punished for it.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29No, everybody found it very amusing,
0:15:29 > 0:15:31I think some of the players found it quite amusing as well.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- Shall we have a look? - Let's have a look.
0:15:33 > 0:15:38# Australians all let us rejoice
0:15:38 > 0:15:39HE HICCUPS
0:15:39 > 0:15:44# For we are young and free
0:15:44 > 0:15:46# We've gol... # HE HICCUPS
0:15:46 > 0:15:49# ..soil and wealth... #
0:15:49 > 0:15:50HE HICCUPS
0:15:50 > 0:15:55# Our home is girt by sea
0:15:55 > 0:16:01# Our land abounds in Nature's gifts
0:16:01 > 0:16:03# Of beauty... #
0:16:03 > 0:16:04HE HICCUPS
0:16:04 > 0:16:06# Rich and rare... # HE HICCUPS
0:16:06 > 0:16:08- Aw-w!- Lovely.
0:16:08 > 0:16:14His name is Ethan Hall. What happened after the performance?
0:16:14 > 0:16:15He was chased out of town.
0:16:17 > 0:16:22Well, despite his unfortunate dilemma, he bravely carried on...
0:16:25 > 0:16:27- AUDIENCE: Aw-w! - Yeah.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29And in other sports news,
0:16:29 > 0:16:34why has Seb Coe given up his ambassadorial role with Nike?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Cos it's all very murky, isn't it?
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Because they gave the International Athletics World Championships
0:16:40 > 0:16:43to a city that I've never even heard of.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45TIM: Eugene. JOSH: Eugene.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- Yeah, I'd never heard of this place. - Eugene, Oregon.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Isn't that an opera by Tchaikovsky?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51It's the centre of Nike's business.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53- Yeah.- Have you ever bought a Nike product, Ian?
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Yes, I have a number of their waistcoats.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59LAUGHTER
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Do you know how much they were employing Seb for?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05It was over a zillion pounds.
0:17:05 > 0:17:10It was £100,000 a year as a brand ambassador.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Why had these suspicions been raised?
0:17:12 > 0:17:15There was no bidding process, it was just awarded to them.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18People think that Seb, in his role as ambassador,
0:17:18 > 0:17:21might have said to himself as vice-president,
0:17:21 > 0:17:24"Why don't we give the Championships to this town?" -
0:17:24 > 0:17:26whose major employer pays you £100,000 a year.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29TIM: That's ridiculous, that would never have happened.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30So, anyway, he's had to resign.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33How did Seb Coe help fund his presidential campaign
0:17:33 > 0:17:35for the presidence...
0:17:35 > 0:17:37The presen...
0:17:37 > 0:17:38JO MUMBLES
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- How did Seb Coe help fund... - Are you on something?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44I'm on menopausal ladies heroin.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47I don't know if you know that, folks, it's lovely.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49It's called Solpadeine Plus Soluble
0:17:49 > 0:17:52and, crikey, does it give an old lady a bit of a...whooh!
0:17:54 > 0:17:57I'm not even being paid to advertise it.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58No, you're a brand ambassador.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05I don't really want to be a brand ambassador for Solpadeine Plus.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08You can't stop talking about it, though, can you?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11And on the theme of allegedly corrupt men in sport,
0:18:11 > 0:18:14what has Sepp Blatter been up to this week?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- We surely don't have to say "allegedly" with Blatter.- No.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- Even he doesn't believe he's innocent.- No.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22He keeps having panic attacks, isn't he?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25He told Swiss TV channel RTS...
0:18:34 > 0:18:37..although I suspect he was slightly closer
0:18:37 > 0:18:39towards the fire of the devil.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42That's hell of a symptoms to go into your doctor with, isn't it?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45"Just two paracetamol, see if it gets rid of it."
0:18:45 > 0:18:48You know what I'd be recommending. Anyway, moving on.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Sticking with football, what extreme lengths has this man gone to
0:18:56 > 0:18:59to ensure his son supports his team - Millwall?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Oh, well, it's one of those things where he's named him
0:19:02 > 0:19:04after every player in the Millwall team.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08Well, yeah, not quite every player, it is along those lines.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09He's named him...
0:19:12 > 0:19:15- And his nickname is "Poor little- BLEEP".
0:19:16 > 0:19:20I was on London Bridge once and there were about 50 Millwall fans
0:19:20 > 0:19:24on the other platform and one of them saw me and shouted,
0:19:24 > 0:19:25"Oi, Hislop! Wanker!"
0:19:25 > 0:19:28And they all started running up the bridge to come over
0:19:28 > 0:19:32to the other side. I thought I was going to die.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36I had the devils of fire here and angels here.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38- What did you do? Solpadeine?- I...
0:19:38 > 0:19:40LAUGHTER
0:19:40 > 0:19:44- Sorry, I'm going to stop doing it. What did you do?- I ran really fast.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45- JOSH: Did you?- Yeah.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Lucky you had your Nikes on.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56BUZZ
0:19:56 > 0:20:01That's the hole that the potential thieves drilled
0:20:01 > 0:20:03under Hatton Garden.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05It is.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09- Potential thieves?- Well... - I mean, that's cautious, isn't it?
0:20:10 > 0:20:14I reserve my judgment, they might've just been lost.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19It was the Dad's Army sort of criminal gang, wasn't it?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22They hid the jewels under a gravestone or something,
0:20:22 > 0:20:23is that right?
0:20:23 > 0:20:24No, that was Scooby-Doo.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Can I just stress that four people have pleaded guilty
0:20:29 > 0:20:31and four people are on trial?
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Two of those standing trial have been described as...
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Shocking. If it turns out they did it,
0:20:39 > 0:20:42I'll never trust a second-hand car dealer again.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Didn't they discuss it in the pub?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46They had all their meetings on a Friday night in the pub.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Well, we've all made plans like that on a Friday night in the pub.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- But they carried it out, you see. - That's what I like about them.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- That's what makes Britain great. - Exactly.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Britain's plucky pensioners.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02How did the eldest ringleader Brian Reader, otherwise known as...
0:21:04 > 0:21:05..or...
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- ..get to the raid?- He got public transport, didn't he?
0:21:09 > 0:21:10TIM: Oh, he used his Oyster.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13He used his Oyster card, that's right, to jump on the bus...
0:21:15 > 0:21:17The other way they caught him is the next day,
0:21:17 > 0:21:20he put £4 billion on the Oyster card.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24This is the start of the Hatton Garden jewellery trial.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Four men who have pleaded guilty have an average age of 68.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30The raid didn't go to plan as when they finally reached
0:21:30 > 0:21:34the basement, they forgot what they'd come downstairs for.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Time now for the Odd One Out round. Just one between you this week.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Ben Carson, the Ken doll,
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Kanye West and Tom Cruise.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47They haven't all had a doll made?
0:21:47 > 0:21:51- It's someone they've all been portrayed as.- JOSH: Is it Jesus?
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Yes, it is.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Cos Kanye West called his album Yeezus, didn't he?
0:21:57 > 0:21:58That's right.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- Perhaps they're all Jesus. - They're all Jesus.- Except him.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02He's a scientologist.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Well done. You did almost get it.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07The answer is they've all been depicted as Jesus,
0:22:07 > 0:22:10apart from Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson,
0:22:10 > 0:22:15who was depicted in a painting with Jesus, which hangs on his wall.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21So that's not Jesus, that's Wolf from Gladiators.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Now as far as Tom Cruise is concerned,
0:22:24 > 0:22:28the Biblewalk Museum in Ohio houses a series of waxworks
0:22:28 > 0:22:29of various celebrities,
0:22:29 > 0:22:33all recycled so they represent characters from the Bible.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Here, for example, is a recycled Tom Cruise as Jesus.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39On the left.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Let's play a little game.
0:22:42 > 0:22:43I'll show you a religious waxwork
0:22:43 > 0:22:46and you have to tell me which celebrity it originally was.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- OK.- First off, King Solomon.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Vanessa Feltz.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56- That's John Travolta. - It is John Travolta, Ian.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Brilliant work.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Next up is a rather dapper-looking angel.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Prince Philip.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Indeed. It's Prince Philip.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06So who wants to go to that museum? Nobody.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Rapper and famous prat Kanye West
0:23:11 > 0:23:13has often equated himself with Jesus,
0:23:13 > 0:23:15and was depicted as the son of God
0:23:15 > 0:23:18on the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Ken doll was actually part of an exhibition in Buenos Aires
0:23:21 > 0:23:24in which Barbie and Ken adopted various religious guises.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Here's Ken.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Here he is doing suggestive shepherd.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32LAUGHTER
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Some collectors have invested a lot in the Ken as Jesus doll,
0:23:38 > 0:23:40only to be disappointed -
0:23:40 > 0:23:42they put him away safely in the sealed box,
0:23:42 > 0:23:45but when they go back to check on it three days later,
0:23:45 > 0:23:46the box is empty...
0:23:48 > 0:23:52..except for the robes, which have been left neatly folded up.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Finally, what happens
0:23:53 > 0:23:56if you're a high-ranking Russian Orthodox priest
0:23:56 > 0:23:59and you can't get into a car because you've got a big hat on?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01- Do you want to see?- Yes.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Oh, that is brilliant.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:24:13 > 0:24:15which this week features as its guest publication
0:24:15 > 0:24:17The Business Of Ferrets,
0:24:17 > 0:24:20the magazine of the Wessex Ferret Club.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23It's for people who think rats just aren't long enough.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27We start with...
0:24:31 > 0:24:32Is it excessive use of sunbed?
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Thinking.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44APPLAUSE
0:24:45 > 0:24:47It's...
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Next...
0:24:55 > 0:24:57High-powered jet engine.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59JOSH: Is it very low bridge?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05It is...
0:25:10 > 0:25:13This is a woman pictured in the Sun on Thursday. Here she is.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19How come the blind man is looking straight at her?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Is he entitled to that dog?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28If she's on her way to Dragons' Den, I don't fancy her chances.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Next...
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Shoving a cucumber through a letterbox.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Did he squeeze himself through the letterbox?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Oh, dear me.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Extraordinary image you create.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Overly enthusiastic...
0:25:54 > 0:25:57This is a delivery man who tried to throw a parcel through a window
0:25:57 > 0:26:02but missed and it landed on the roof of the house.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05The driver then posted an official card through the letterbox
0:26:05 > 0:26:06which said...
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Before adding by hand...
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Here it is.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21A spokesman for the delivery firm said...
0:26:25 > 0:26:27You'll find them in the chimney pot.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30- Finally...- Yeah, final, yeah.
0:26:36 > 0:26:37Appear to have been radicalised.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43At the National Ferret Fair...
0:26:47 > 0:26:50- That's good advice, isn't it, really?- It is.- It is good advice.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Weirdly, this is from The Business Of Ferrets.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54A ferret with diarrhoea -
0:26:54 > 0:26:58that's two things you don't want running down your trousers.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06So the final scores are, Paul and Tim have four,
0:27:06 > 0:27:09but Ian and Josh are this week's winners with six.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11APPLAUSE
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Very sorry. All my fault.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Just before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Ian and Josh have this.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23JOSH: Is he saying, "So according to Tinder,
0:27:23 > 0:27:25"you like dogs and horse riding"?
0:27:28 > 0:27:29Paul and Tim get that.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Headcase.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:35 > 0:27:37You can say no more.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40I've probably said enough already.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43I leave you with news that there's embarrassment at Tate Modern
0:27:43 > 0:27:47after their catering staff accidentally win the Turner Prize.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53At a European summit,
0:27:53 > 0:27:56the Greek Prime Minister suggests he could save money
0:27:56 > 0:27:57by sharing a hotel room.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05And in Jerusalem, an interpreter is a little slow
0:28:05 > 0:28:09arriving at the translation "goat's testicle".
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Good night.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19APPLAUSE