0:00:09 > 0:00:20This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:29 > 0:00:40APPLAUSE
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You?
0:00:43 > 0:00:45I am Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week...
0:00:45 > 0:00:48There is embarrassment for David Cameron as footage emerges
0:00:48 > 0:00:52of some of those 70,000 Syrian ground troops in training.
0:00:57 > 0:01:02In Moscow, as he meets his next opponent, Russia's number
0:01:02 > 0:01:09one judo star starts to think he may have to throw the fight.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12And home movie footage of a kitchen in Essex in the 1970s
0:01:12 > 0:01:19shows a career-defining moment in the life of Victoria Beckham.
0:01:21 > 0:01:27APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:01:27 > 0:01:35On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who is
0:01:35 > 0:01:38about to publish her first book, which is described as a funny
0:01:38 > 0:01:39exploration of the female body.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42I've done one of those. Please welcome Sara Pascoe!
0:01:42 > 0:01:46APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:46 > 0:01:49And with Paul tonight is a Scottish politician who
0:01:49 > 0:01:51led the SNP for over 20 years up until 2014.
0:01:51 > 0:01:56And then they got popular. Please welcome Alex Salmond MSP MP!
0:01:56 > 0:01:58APPLAUSE
0:01:58 > 0:02:01And we start as ever with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Paul and Alex, take a look at this.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06This is obviously the bombing of Syria is beginning.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Many people are against it.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10The shadow cabinet...
0:02:10 > 0:02:15Ruining the snooker match.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17That is a Daesh tank going around in circles.
0:02:17 > 0:02:22That should be pretty easy to bomb, that one.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25I hope the other targets are as well. The big debate.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27The government got a big majority for bombing Syria.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Who gave the most impressive performance
0:02:28 > 0:02:30would you say in the debate?
0:02:30 > 0:02:31The Speaker. Actually, yes.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Because he did not go to the toilet for 11 hours.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36By special arrangement.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Like astronauts? Very similar arrangement.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Lot of tubing.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Under all the breaches and the buckles?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Underneath, through the House of Lords, through the canteen, up Big
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Ben, back again.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52It is an 11-hour cycle so after 11 hours you have got to get
0:02:52 > 0:02:52out of there.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54You do not want blowback, do you?! Indeed.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Do you think there were people who made their minds up
0:02:57 > 0:02:58in the chamber on the night?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Well, they were forecasting a big majority, and then as the
0:03:01 > 0:03:04debate started with David Cameron talking about Corbyn as a terrorist
0:03:04 > 0:03:05sympathiser...
0:03:05 > 0:03:11He was speaking of him as wavering, saying...
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Well, yes.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17That is actually smearing everybody who came out against the war.
0:03:17 > 0:03:26That's a good start.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30He was challenged on it a number of times. t It was a foolish thing
0:03:30 > 0:03:31for him to say.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34It was tactically daft because it would stiffen the resolve of some
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Labour MPs, you would have thought.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38There is one Machiavellian theory that the Tories briefed that,
0:03:38 > 0:03:40so that the question of the 70,000 bogus battalions,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42as one Tory MP called it, would not
0:03:42 > 0:03:44be examined, that the debate would centre on the Cameron insult.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Oh, they are not that clever. Well...
0:03:46 > 0:03:48They would not deliberately make two enormous howlers thinking
0:03:48 > 0:03:50that the lesser one would get all the attention.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54The 70,000 claim was challenged by a lot of MPs, including the SNP's
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Angus Robertson - he is very impressive, isn't he?
0:03:56 > 0:04:03He is. He is a leader, isn't he?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Absolutely! Angus Robertson!
0:04:06 > 0:04:10You were there on Wednesday.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Obviously, the previous debate on the 26th of November, you had to
0:04:13 > 0:04:15miss that because you were unveiling a portrait.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Incidentally we raised 50,000 quid for charity.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20It is a good portrait. It was for charity!
0:04:20 > 0:04:27What are you doing to that sofa?!
0:04:27 > 0:04:34There is a Scottish Labour source who said...
0:04:34 > 0:04:40There was a boy at my school who could do that.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43How has Jeremy Corbyn's week gone?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46At first I think he tried to argue to get
0:04:46 > 0:04:49the Labour Party to vote against, to have a whipped kind of vote.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52But then somebody pointed out that when it comes to matters
0:04:52 > 0:04:55of conscience, as it must be when you are sending people to war,
0:04:55 > 0:04:56it has to be a free vote.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58That is how it turned out.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01So he did not get the Labour MPs behind him necessarily.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04And Hilary Benn made a very good speech and some people said, "Ooh,
0:05:04 > 0:05:05"Benn might be a contrast to Jeremy Corbyn.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08"There might be a leadership contest at some point,
0:05:08 > 0:05:09"maybe in a year or so."
0:05:09 > 0:05:10How much do you want?
0:05:10 > 0:05:11That summed it up entirely.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14You have had a bit of a run-in with Hilary, haven't you?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17I was doing a contrast between Tony Benn, who made some incredibly
0:05:17 > 0:05:20powerful anti-war speeches in the House of Commons, and Hilary Benn,
0:05:20 > 0:05:23who made a pro-war speech on behalf of a Tory Prime Minister, and
0:05:23 > 0:05:26I merely said that I thought his father
0:05:26 > 0:05:31would be birling in his grave.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35It is a Scottish idiom, it means a deceased person...
0:05:35 > 0:05:37APPLAUSE
0:05:37 > 0:05:39..would be surprised at that turn of events.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42And I have to say I think Tony Benn would be fair
0:05:42 > 0:05:43astonished...
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Presumably this is not a new standpoint for Hilary Benn.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Presumably they would have known each other for quite a long time.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Just talking from my own life and parenting...
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Yes - to have people running around saying, "Benn Tory scum" is
0:05:57 > 0:05:59new. Really, isn't it?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02I mean, it is a turnaround. That bit wasn't me.
0:06:02 > 0:06:08No, I am just paraphrasing you.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Who are the two gangs in the Labour rivalry?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14They are called momentum, which is the Corbynite one,
0:06:14 > 0:06:15and progress, which is the other.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Like The Apprentice!
0:06:18 > 0:06:23Oh, my god - they have given themselves stupid names!
0:06:23 > 0:06:25There is a serious side to this.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28The divisions in the Labour Party gave Cameron a much easier time on
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Wednesday than he should have had.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Much of the debate was actually focused about internal battles
0:06:33 > 0:06:36in the Labour Party, when it should have been focused on
0:06:36 > 0:06:42dismantling what was a threadbare case for bombing in Syria.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46According to one embattled Labour MP, every day is like...
0:06:46 > 0:06:53Oh, no!
0:06:53 > 0:06:56What did one of Corbyn's most loyal supporters, Diane Abbott,
0:06:56 > 0:06:59do in a Shadow Cabinet meeting?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Light an Advent candle?
0:07:02 > 0:07:06Dangerous! According to the Sunday Times, she...
0:07:06 > 0:07:13One source told the Sunday Times...
0:07:18 > 0:07:21LAUGHTER
0:07:21 > 0:07:24But before the debate got going properly, what did the
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Conservatives stick the boot into?
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Jeremy Corbyn.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31Before the debate got going. Jeremy Corbyn?
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Just before...
0:07:33 > 0:07:36No, it was the BBC.
0:07:36 > 0:07:41The Conservatives were arguing that we should now call Isis Daesh,
0:07:41 > 0:07:45which I think we should because that is the mocking acronym
0:07:45 > 0:07:48which is used in the Arabic world.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50But there are some Conservatives who so want to attack
0:07:50 > 0:07:54the BBC that it is not enough to say we should all be coining it Daesh.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57But also to say, "And the BBC are not calling it Daesh, which proves
0:07:57 > 0:07:59the BBC is a conspiracy."
0:07:59 > 0:08:12Terrorist sympathisers.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Rigidly, the BBC call it so-called Islamic State.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Really confusing for old people if they keep changing
0:08:16 > 0:08:17the name over time.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19That is what they say about biscuits.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Do they keep changing biscuits all the time?
0:08:21 > 0:08:22All the time! Bastards.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Daesh do not like being called Daesh at all.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28So people think it is going to hurt their feelings?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Are we saying it right, Daesh? Daesh. Yes.
0:08:31 > 0:08:37Kind of like what Sean Connery plays backgammon with. Daesh.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Just to cheer us up, let's have a look at some slightly
0:08:40 > 0:08:43better international news.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46This is for match point, I think.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50Look at that! Fantastic!
0:08:50 > 0:08:55APPLAUSE
0:08:55 > 0:08:57A British team winning the Davis Cup
0:08:57 > 0:09:00for the first time since 1936.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03It is a great triumph for British sport, isn't it?
0:09:03 > 0:09:09LAUGHTER I have to say, I think...
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Andy Murray and Jamie Murray and...
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Andy and Jamie and...
0:09:14 > 0:09:18So basically, Dunblane won the Davis Cup.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Yes, a British win, then.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25This is the news that Britain is now at war just a few hundred yards
0:09:25 > 0:09:28across from where we were already at war.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Leading Labour's pro-bombing faction was Hilary Benn, whose
0:09:31 > 0:09:33father Tony was the president of the Stop the War coalition.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36It just goes to show, if you call your son Hilary, he
0:09:36 > 0:09:42will reject everything you stand for.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Ian and Sarah, take a look at this.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I think that is Conservative headquarters.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Oh, I see.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51There is some young Tories. Aged about 50.
0:09:51 > 0:09:56I've got a lanyard!
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Which one is the one that you swipe if you don't like them on Tinder?
0:10:00 > 0:10:05I am asking the wrong person! It is just grinder for me!
0:10:05 > 0:10:08LAUGHTER
0:10:08 > 0:10:13They had a horrible situation where a young member
0:10:13 > 0:10:16of their party committed suicide, which was terribly sad.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19But then now, afterwards, everybody is blaming everybody else.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Yes.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23This is the young Conservatives, who have been revealed as being
0:10:23 > 0:10:26ghastly, which is a huge shock to everybody as you can imagine.
0:10:26 > 0:10:31Everybody thought they were nice, moderate, well-balanced young men.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35And women. And women.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38But it is mostly the men who are doing the bullying.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Who is at the centre of this controversy?
0:10:41 > 0:10:45It is a man called Clarke. Yes. Mark Clarke...
0:10:45 > 0:10:48There are claims that he blackmailed ministers
0:10:48 > 0:10:51and sexually harassed co-workers.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Allegedly, I have to point out, Mark Clarke has denied all these
0:10:53 > 0:10:55allegations.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58What is the name that they are all going by, these young Tories?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Tatler Tories. Do you know why?
0:11:00 > 0:11:03The Tatler predicted that this man Clarke would one day be in the
0:11:03 > 0:11:10cabinet. That's right.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12And Tatler is well-known for spotting political leaders.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Can I just ask you, what is the Tatler?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17It is a magazine for knobs.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:11:20 > 0:11:24They had an article in 2008 and they picked out ten young Tories
0:11:24 > 0:11:28who they reckoned were...
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Here we have got a photograph of Mark Clarke, second from the left.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Is the woman standing in front of him saying to him, "Will you please
0:11:35 > 0:11:39"stop pumping air up my sleeve?"
0:11:39 > 0:11:42She does not know what he is doing it with
0:11:42 > 0:11:44but she knows it is happening.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47If she has actually just got a really fat lower arm,
0:11:47 > 0:11:50you're going to feel awful.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Is her dad Popeye? She has got an anchor on there.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Is her dad Popeye? It will be in the
0:11:55 > 0:11:58notes if he is. It doesn't say.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00It can't be her dad.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Oh, Camilla the sailor man! You are absolutely right.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07What is Mark Clarke's official role?
0:12:07 > 0:12:10He organised these road trips of volunteers to drum up
0:12:10 > 0:12:13support for the Tory party.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Trouble is, it is so low level.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18It is literally young men going around saying,
0:12:18 > 0:12:20"You will never work on the back desk of the assistant Conservative
0:12:20 > 0:12:24research department ever again."
0:12:24 > 0:12:27And everyone goes, oh, no!
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Do they get very camp when they are doing this?!
0:12:30 > 0:12:31They are!
0:12:31 > 0:12:33One of Clarke's techniques is a thing called IIP.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Does anybody know what it is?
0:12:36 > 0:12:41Intimidate, interrogate, party! Have fun at the end of the day!
0:12:41 > 0:12:43If only!
0:12:43 > 0:12:47It is his technique for using alcohol to lure women.
0:12:47 > 0:12:52He calls it... You're joking. Oh, god!
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Doesn't Theresa May stop those people coming into the country now?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Don't we have rules on this?
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Former Tory co-chairman Grant Shapps has had to resign.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Why particularly did he have to do that?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Well, he was supposedly in charge of these young people not bullying
0:13:09 > 0:13:10each other.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13And there have been calls for Lord Feldman to resign.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15But Grant Shapps had ignored repeated allegations.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18And he was on the coach with them, was he?
0:13:18 > 0:13:20He appointed I think the team to run these road trips.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22But he had ignored all of these allegations
0:13:22 > 0:13:24which had been presented to him.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26What was wrong with the inquiry?
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Well, they were going to have an inquiry led by Lord Feldman.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32And given that he was meant to be enquiring into himself...
0:13:32 > 0:13:35"Anything wrong old boy? No, not at all."
0:13:35 > 0:13:38..it did not go very far.
0:13:38 > 0:13:43But it should be OK because the brilliantly named Lord Pannick...
0:13:43 > 0:13:45..has been put in charge to...
0:13:45 > 0:13:48LAUGHTER
0:13:48 > 0:13:52I would love it if he comes in with his robes!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54And finally on the subject of political activists,
0:13:54 > 0:13:57who would like to see an Irish government minister being questioned
0:13:57 > 0:13:59by an activist in Dublin this week?
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Yes, please.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02This was Andy Whelan from the Revolutionary
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Republic News questioning Irish Trade Minister Joe Costello over
0:14:05 > 0:14:09water charges.
0:14:09 > 0:14:18Just ignore what they say and just keep on walking...
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Oh!
0:14:21 > 0:14:24APPLAUSE
0:14:24 > 0:14:28Let's see it again.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Yes, this is the bullying scandal involving
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Mark Clarke, the Tatler Tory.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37After his behaviour during the 2010 election campaign,
0:14:37 > 0:14:43a lengthy dossier compiled for Tory HQ said of Mark Clarke...
0:14:43 > 0:14:48With a note in the margin adding, 'future Cabinet Minister?'
0:14:48 > 0:14:51One of Mark Clarke's colleagues of the 2015 roadtrip campaign was
0:14:51 > 0:14:54the recently ennobled Baroness Emma Pidding.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Emma Pidding.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59I wonder if she's one of the Yorkshire Piddings!
0:14:59 > 0:15:04LAUGHTER
0:15:04 > 0:15:05And so to Round Two.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07The Strengthometer of News.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one:
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Oh, brains!
0:15:17 > 0:15:18Men and women's brains!
0:15:18 > 0:15:19Yes.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Buzzer.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Oh!
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Ian and Sara.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Brains?
0:15:25 > 0:15:25LAUGHTER
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Men and women's brains.
0:15:27 > 0:15:27Yes.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Men and women...
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Men and women all have brains.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35LAUGHTER
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I was just thinking that your brain didn't think
0:15:37 > 0:15:40about pressing the buzzer and his did, which is very annoying.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Yes, but my brain did get it right!
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Yes!
0:15:44 > 0:15:47This is the story that says that men and women's brains...
0:15:47 > 0:15:51LAUGHTER
0:15:51 > 0:15:56They're essentially the same.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59So 'Women are from Mars. Men are from Venus',
0:15:59 > 0:16:01whatever it was, that was just a book, not true at all.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04The only difference is that men can understand buzzers
0:16:04 > 0:16:04quicker than women!
0:16:04 > 0:16:05LAUGHTER
0:16:05 > 0:16:06That's the only one and it's very tiny.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07A tiny amount.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10According to the Mail, scientists analysed brain scans of more than
0:16:10 > 0:16:191,400 men and women and found that:
0:16:22 > 0:16:23LAUGHTER
0:16:23 > 0:16:26What is a male brain and what is a female brain?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Well, that's the thing.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Another thing that's quite sexist is that they will say spatial
0:16:31 > 0:16:32and reasoning - male brain.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35So even the way that they treat brains is very sexist.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37There is an amazing book called The Gender Delusion
0:16:37 > 0:16:40which is all about sexism in brain studies and it's brilliant.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43What is most prevalent is that they often, these studies, find no
0:16:43 > 0:16:47results and they are not published.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51So for every one that's in the Daily Mail, there is 100 that
0:16:51 > 0:16:54found no difference.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Very interesting.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58APPLAUSE
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Professor Joel, who is the author of the study, according to Professor
0:17:00 > 0:17:05Joel, the study did show that...
0:17:10 > 0:17:13LAUGHTER
0:17:13 > 0:17:16The other interesting thing is actually, now with gender,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19genitals isn't a sign of someone's gender any more either.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21So actually, I think this Dr Joel's an idiot!
0:17:21 > 0:17:24And I know he's got a very good qualification and I
0:17:24 > 0:17:25can't use buzzers, but...
0:17:25 > 0:17:27I think she's a female doctor.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Oh!
0:17:29 > 0:17:31I am so sexist!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33I just assumed it was a man!
0:17:33 > 0:17:36APPLAUSE
0:17:36 > 0:17:37I'm having a terrible day!
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Yes, you are.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44In other news, what facial feature might make men more sexist?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47It's going to be something to do with facial hair and testosterone.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48It's a beard.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52An Australian study this week found that men with facial hair were more
0:17:52 > 0:17:54likely to show signs of...
0:17:54 > 0:17:57There was this other theory earlier this year where people said that
0:17:57 > 0:17:59more men were growing beards in response to women wanting more
0:17:59 > 0:18:00power.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04So that they were asserting - ooh, look what I can grow!
0:18:04 > 0:18:10LAUGHTER
0:18:10 > 0:18:11There doesn't seem much evidence here.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14These people are not cool, trendy people.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I said it in a jokey way!
0:18:18 > 0:18:21You know what I meant.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Right, let's get her!
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Not cool and trendy?!
0:18:26 > 0:18:34What fashion trend might help soften the macho bravado
0:18:34 > 0:18:36of these chauvinists at this time of year?
0:18:36 > 0:18:37The man bun.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38What?
0:18:38 > 0:18:39The man bun.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40What is the man bun?
0:18:40 > 0:18:41I didn't wear mine tonight.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Didn't you?
0:18:42 > 0:18:46It's when men have quite a lot of long hair and they wear it up.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Actually, very similar to this.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Like that.
0:18:48 > 0:18:48I see.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50And you didn't wear yours tonight, Ian?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I didn't, no, because I didn't want to make the
0:18:52 > 0:18:54audience feel uncool and trendy.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55APPLAUSE
0:18:55 > 0:19:00Ian, I'm on your team!
0:19:00 > 0:19:02The must-have accessory for this Christmas is...
0:19:02 > 0:19:03glitter beards.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Glitter beards?
0:19:04 > 0:19:10Yes.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13This is a scientific study that has discovered there are no real
0:19:13 > 0:19:14differences between male and female brains.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17According to the Daily Mail, the male brain tends to withstand
0:19:17 > 0:19:18pain better than the female brain.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Yes, I remember when my wife was giving birth.
0:19:21 > 0:19:27She squeezed my hand so tightly, but I didn't say a word.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:19:30 > 0:19:30BUZZER
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Yes?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Golfers are getting confused.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Because Brussel sprouts have become genetically engineered to be exactly
0:19:37 > 0:19:40the same weight and size as a golf ball.
0:19:40 > 0:19:40It's super sprouts.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41It is super sprouts.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43It is super sprouts.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Nobody knows how to control them.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48A sprout like that could take over the world.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50These are monster sprouts.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Monster sprouts.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53They will grow legs, then we're in trouble.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54Why are they so big?
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Because they are massive.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01They're great big buggers and they don't care who knows it.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03There were bit by a radioactive tortoise and they've grown hugely.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Or, just a warm August.
0:20:05 > 0:20:05A warm August?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Oh, the most deadly of all foes!
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Who is this bad news for, obviously?
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Little sprouts.
0:20:10 > 0:20:17The runner bean's done a runner!
0:20:17 > 0:20:18I'm out of here!
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Who is it bad news for?
0:20:20 > 0:20:20Children, obviously.
0:20:20 > 0:20:26Why is it bad news for children?
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Because they don't like sprouts.
0:20:29 > 0:20:34They don't have to eat them, then.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37And also because these abnormally large sprouts,
0:20:37 > 0:20:40they measure 40 millimetres wide, 45 million metres long.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Well, you could cut them up.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44I've got a sprout comparison chart here to make things a bit clearer.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45There they are.
0:20:45 > 0:20:45They are monsters.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47What we have to thank?
0:20:47 > 0:20:47Global warming.
0:20:47 > 0:20:48Global warming.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49According to the Independent...
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Speaking of climate change.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52How have world leaders been tackling the problem this week?
0:20:52 > 0:20:52In Paris.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53They have indeed.
0:20:53 > 0:20:58They are going to limit global warming if they can to
0:20:58 > 0:20:59two degrees Centigrade this century.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00So pretty much all sorted.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01That's great.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02Who was representing Britain there?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Who was helping to represent Britain, I should say?
0:21:04 > 0:21:11David Cameron and Prince Charles.
0:21:11 > 0:21:11And Prince Charles.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Both there.
0:21:12 > 0:21:19Yes, Prince Charles showing how passionate he is on the issue.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21"I'm going to write you a letter if you're not careful!"
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Jon Snow cancelled a meeting with Prince Charles at the conference,
0:21:24 > 0:21:25what was the reason for that?
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Prince Charles had a 15-page memorandum
0:21:27 > 0:21:30which he hands to broadcasters of things you can and cannot do.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31You can and cannot ask about.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33So they said they were not interviewing him.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Absolutely right.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Channel 4 described it as...
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Yes, it was a list of questions they couldn't ask.
0:21:37 > 0:21:47Are you looking forward to anyone dying?
0:21:47 > 0:21:53And the Sun mocked up Charles as Kim Jong-un .
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Who had a heart-warming historic handshake at the Conference?
0:21:56 > 0:22:00It was the Israeli and Palestinian leaders, Benjamin Netanyahu
0:22:00 > 0:22:06and Mahmoud Abbas.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07Who shared a handshake.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08How was the moment soured?
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Occupation of Palestine?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11No.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14APPLAUSE
0:22:14 > 0:22:17No. Just as the historic moment was happening, the President of Comoros,
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Ikililou Dhoinine, got in the way of the camera and
0:22:20 > 0:22:22so the only official photograph of the historic handshake was this:
0:22:22 > 0:22:25LAUGHTER
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Time for the Odd One Out round.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Just one between you this week.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Farmer Ben Fletch's sweet potato.
0:22:33 > 0:22:33Geminoid F.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Kellogg's Cornflakes.
0:22:34 > 0:22:39And John Prescott's office.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40I think this is about sex, basically.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41Sex?
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Yes.
0:22:43 > 0:22:52Geminoid F is a sex robot.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53I've heard, I have been told...
0:22:53 > 0:22:54LAUGHTER
0:22:54 > 0:22:56I read somewhere, I saw it on television, something like that.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Farmer Ben Fletch, he's the farmer who keeps unearthing
0:22:58 > 0:22:59sensuous potatoes.
0:22:59 > 0:23:06Sensuous potatoes?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Sensuously shaped.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Your knowledge about this is disturbingly thorough.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12But I think the office is where John Prescott had sex.
0:23:12 > 0:23:13With a lampshade?
0:23:13 > 0:23:13With a lampshade!
0:23:13 > 0:23:17With a lampshade.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19And it was revealed that Kellogg's, the originator of Cornflakes,
0:23:19 > 0:23:22was anti-sex.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24People had cornflakes in the morning instead of having sex.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Therefore, all the other three are about sex except Cornflakes.
0:23:27 > 0:23:33I suggest it's Cornflakes.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34That was amazing.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36APPLAUSE
0:23:36 > 0:23:38It's like watching a Scottish Columbo.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Wasn't it?
0:23:40 > 0:23:46He went through each of the facts one by one.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47I deduce!
0:23:47 > 0:23:49It was brilliant.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51If you wait long enough in a programme, you get onto
0:23:51 > 0:23:54your specialist subject.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Sensual potatoes!
0:23:56 > 0:23:57APPLAUSE
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Dr John Harvey Kellogg and his brother Will came up with
0:23:59 > 0:24:02the cornflake recipe as they believed that plainer foods
0:24:02 > 0:24:04helped 'cleanse the body and mind' of erotic desires.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Though there was an unfortunate misunderstanding
0:24:05 > 0:24:08earlier in the marketing process when he asked a designer to put a
0:24:08 > 0:24:15massive cock on the cereal packet.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17What was Dr Kellogg's novel approach to eating yoghurt?
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Did you hear about that?
0:24:20 > 0:24:22No.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24He believed that after administering a morning enema, a pint
0:24:24 > 0:24:29of yogurt should be consumed...
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Hence the expression, "Mmm, Danone!".
0:24:31 > 0:24:38APPLAUSE
0:24:38 > 0:24:40You are absolutely right about Ben Fletch as well.
0:24:40 > 0:24:45He found a sweet potato so sexy, he couldn't bring himself to eat it.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47What was so sexy about this vegetable?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Did it have boobies on it?
0:24:49 > 0:24:50No.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52According to the Mirror, it bore...
0:24:52 > 0:24:55There it is.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59LAUGHTER
0:24:59 > 0:25:01What did he do with it instead?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Did he give it a good forking?
0:25:03 > 0:25:07He told reporters...
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Threw it away!
0:25:09 > 0:25:12It's in his special drawer in the shed!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14According to the Sun, John Prescott's government office
0:25:14 > 0:25:16was destroyed this summer to stop officials being distracted
0:25:16 > 0:25:20by thoughts of the former Deputy PM's romps.
0:25:20 > 0:25:25But to be honest, the sofa used was pretty much destroyed at the time!
0:25:25 > 0:25:26Geminoid F.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28It is not a sex robot.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30It is just a robot.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Yes, where does this sex robot come in?
0:25:32 > 0:25:36It was a wild guess, I've got no specialist knowledge!
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Here she is.
0:25:38 > 0:25:43# Happy birthday to you...
0:25:43 > 0:25:49# Happy birthday to you! #
0:25:49 > 0:25:51What is sexy about that?
0:25:51 > 0:25:56It has been dubbed...
0:25:56 > 0:25:58But who voted it the world's sexiest robot?
0:25:58 > 0:25:59People!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week features,
0:26:01 > 0:26:03as its guest publication...
0:26:03 > 0:26:04Pest.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06The independent UK pest management magazine.
0:26:06 > 0:26:11And we start with...
0:26:11 > 0:26:17Reverse charges.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19No.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Oh, yes.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23President Erdogan of Turkey is prosecuting someone who
0:26:23 > 0:26:27claimed he looks like Gollum.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31And that is the case for the prosecution!
0:26:31 > 0:26:44Next...
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Flicking the V sign?
0:26:45 > 0:26:48This is a young lad who wouldn't be in the
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Christmas card so they went ahead.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52And he is about six feet away, looking very upset.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Australian Labour politician Andrew Leigh's family Christmas card went
0:26:54 > 0:26:57viral this week after one of his kids featured on the card sulking.
0:26:57 > 0:27:03LAUGHTER
0:27:12 > 0:27:17Only reader!
0:27:17 > 0:27:21Guess how many cockroaches are in the picture?
0:27:21 > 0:27:23This is a blank autocue.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27LAUGHTER
0:27:27 > 0:27:30For a minute there, you had to rely on raw talent.
0:27:30 > 0:27:30Oh, no.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34APPLAUSE
0:27:34 > 0:27:35Perish the thought.
0:27:35 > 0:27:40Final scores are...
0:27:40 > 0:27:46Ian and Sara, 6.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Paul and Alex running away with 10.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.
0:27:51 > 0:27:52Oh, no!
0:27:52 > 0:27:53Potato found in green park.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56On which note, I say thank you to our panellists.
0:27:56 > 0:27:57Ian Hislop and Sara Pascoe.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Paul Merton and Alex Salmond MSP MP.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02And I leave you with news that...
0:28:02 > 0:28:04As a new training course begins, it's clear Operation Yewtree has
0:28:04 > 0:28:06taken its toll.
0:28:06 > 0:28:12LAUGHTER
0:28:12 > 0:28:15In Japan, as the recession worsens, a robot servant is told he's going
0:28:15 > 0:28:16to have to be let go.
0:28:16 > 0:28:22LAUGHTER
0:28:22 > 0:28:24After repeated public criticism of his leadership, Jeremy Corbyn,
0:28:24 > 0:28:26along with members of the Left Unity Group,
0:28:26 > 0:28:30make their way to Hilary Benn's house for clear-the-air talks.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33LAUGHTER
0:28:33 > 0:28:36APPLAUSE
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Good night!
0:28:38 > 0:28:49APPLAUSE
0:29:12 > 0:29:15There once was a sprout with love to give