0:00:04 > 0:00:11This programme contains strong language.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:32CHEERING
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm Stephen Mangan. In the news this week -
0:00:43 > 0:00:46word spreads that Rupert Murdoch has rewritten his will
0:00:46 > 0:00:48to cut out his children.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51SHE GUFFAWS
0:00:54 > 0:00:56On a building site in Surrey,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59David Cameron discusses with engineers
0:00:59 > 0:01:02exactly where Iain Duncan Smith is going to have his accident.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12And in north London, the government's new pro-EU leaflet
0:01:12 > 0:01:14arrives through Boris Johnson's letterbox.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24On Ian's team tonight -
0:01:24 > 0:01:26a German comedian who believes British audiences
0:01:26 > 0:01:29are wrong to applaud someone before they've actually done anything,
0:01:29 > 0:01:32so let's see what happens now as I say,
0:01:32 > 0:01:34please welcome Henning Wehn!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:41 > 0:01:43And with Paul tonight -
0:01:43 > 0:01:46a politician who, after last year's general election,
0:01:46 > 0:01:48was leader of Ukip in that brief period
0:01:48 > 0:01:51between Nigel Farage resigning as leader
0:01:51 > 0:01:53and Nigel Farage sobering up.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Please welcome Suzanne Evans.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58APPLAUSE
0:02:03 > 0:02:05And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Ian and Henning, take a look at this.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Yes, that's Panama. Someone handing over money.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Want some more? He does!
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Putin...
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Oh, that smells fishy.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Already, there are investigations in a lot of countries,
0:02:21 > 0:02:23a Prime Minister has fallen. Might be two.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Well, this is a fabulous story by a whistle-blower
0:02:30 > 0:02:33for a company in Panama, and I do hope he's somewhere
0:02:33 > 0:02:34with a beard and a baseball cap,
0:02:34 > 0:02:36hidden safely away,
0:02:36 > 0:02:38having offended Putin, the Chinese,
0:02:38 > 0:02:41all Arab countries
0:02:41 > 0:02:44and David Cameron, obviously. Um...
0:02:44 > 0:02:46It's 11 million documents,
0:02:46 > 0:02:50proving that the idea that the rich are an extraordinary elite
0:02:50 > 0:02:54who are constantly trying to evade giving any money to any society
0:02:54 > 0:02:57which they live in is entirely true.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58What do you think?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01It's not unexpected, is it?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04So, you didn't look at that and think,
0:03:04 > 0:03:06"Oh, I would have never guessed that."
0:03:08 > 0:03:11On the other hand, it does keep Britain safe, in a way,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14because for as long as the President of Bananistan, huh,
0:03:14 > 0:03:19has got his ill-gotten money squirreled away in UK property,
0:03:19 > 0:03:21they're not going to attack the UK.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26So, eventually, you don't need MI5, MI6.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28All you need is Foxtons.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32APPLAUSE
0:03:34 > 0:03:38It's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened on this scale.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41I'm sorry to be enthusiastic about it, I know you expected it,
0:03:41 > 0:03:44but, God, the detail's fantastic!
0:03:44 > 0:03:48And they've had a scalp. I mean, most journalism
0:03:48 > 0:03:51doesn't end up with the Prime Minister resigning,
0:03:51 > 0:03:54but in Iceland... I mean, was it 10% of the population
0:03:54 > 0:03:57went out on the street? That'd be the equivalent of five million of us
0:03:57 > 0:03:59going up to Downing Street and saying,
0:03:59 > 0:04:01"Give us your dad's money back!"
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Just an idea.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08And as you said, the people of Iceland have reacted with fury.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11On the streets of Reykjavik, the incredibly well-behaved Icelanders
0:04:11 > 0:04:14stamped their feet for a bit and their Prime Minister resigned
0:04:14 > 0:04:19after it was revealed he and his wife had a huge offshore tax fund,
0:04:19 > 0:04:21although his spokesman claims...
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Oh, no, we've heard this before, Suzanne!
0:04:32 > 0:04:34APPLAUSE
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Anyway...what's the man in Iceland called?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Sven?
0:04:46 > 0:04:49I get a German on, and HE does the racist stereotypes!
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Yes, these are the Panama papers
0:04:53 > 0:04:57from the office of tax lawyers Mossack Fonseca.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I believe Harry Redknapp once tried to sign him for Tottenham!
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Why is this embarrassing for the Prime Minister?
0:05:03 > 0:05:07The Prime Minister's father was named in the papers,
0:05:07 > 0:05:10and he ran an investment vehicle,
0:05:10 > 0:05:14amusingly called Blairmore Investments.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17It's entertaining, cos it suggests you could move
0:05:17 > 0:05:19even more money offshore than Blair did.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23And the fund was moved to Ireland
0:05:23 > 0:05:25when Cameron became Prime Minister
0:05:25 > 0:05:28because, apparently, a source said...
0:05:31 > 0:05:34I would like to make it clear at this point
0:05:34 > 0:05:36that nobody has broken the law.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42- Yes...- What about Jack the Ripper?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46This is the Prime Minister who said,
0:05:46 > 0:05:49"I want more transparency and I want less corruption,"
0:05:49 > 0:05:53And there are these very funny series of statements,
0:05:53 > 0:05:55starting with, "This is a private matter."
0:05:55 > 0:05:57And people saying, "No, it isn't."
0:05:57 > 0:05:58"OK, it's not private.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01"I'm never in the future going to get any money
0:06:01 > 0:06:03"from these offshore holdings."
0:06:03 > 0:06:05And people are saying, "What about the past, then?"
0:06:05 > 0:06:08And I believe the latest news is
0:06:08 > 0:06:11he's admitted there was 30 grand he's taken out of it
0:06:11 > 0:06:15- and he's sold the shares.- Yeah. - So he used to own some shares
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- in Blairmore.- He suddenly remembered.- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20And it does give the impression that, you know,
0:06:20 > 0:06:24the shares paid for his inheritance and his schooling,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27and it's just that idea that we're all in it together...
0:06:27 > 0:06:28if you happen to run a country.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33At some point during that, he said, "Put up or shut up,"
0:06:33 > 0:06:36which was kind of like a big red flag flying, I think,
0:06:36 > 0:06:37because when a politician says that,
0:06:37 > 0:06:39you know their back's against the wall.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Have you noticed that with other politicians(?)
0:06:45 > 0:06:48APPLAUSE
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Well, I think it is incredibly embarrassing for him.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Yes. Cameron dealt with these embarrassing questions
0:06:54 > 0:06:56in instalments. He said...
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Here he is in 2013,
0:06:58 > 0:07:02commenting on the private tax affairs of Jimmy Carr.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Think of all those people who work hard, who pay their taxes,
0:07:05 > 0:07:09and out of that post-tax income save up to go and see Jimmy Carr.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12He's taking that money and stuffing it into something
0:07:12 > 0:07:14where he doesn't have to pay taxes. That is not fair!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18To be fair, whenever Cameron gives a speech,
0:07:18 > 0:07:20it's always free entry.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Where was he when he was asked about his tax affairs
0:07:25 > 0:07:27and why was it extra embarrassing?
0:07:27 > 0:07:31- The Bahamas?- Shame, cos he would have got a nice tan, wouldn't he?
0:07:31 > 0:07:32- Yeah.- No.- Lanzarote?- No.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- At PricewaterhouseCoopers. - That's right, yes.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38He was at the accountants PricewaterhouseCoopers,
0:07:38 > 0:07:42who've been criticised by a Commons committee for facilitating...
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Various world leaders have been building up
0:07:49 > 0:07:50stacks of tax-free cash offshore.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55What has the President of the UAE been secretly doing with his money?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Bought up London property.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58Exactly right, yeah.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01He's bought £1.2 billion worth of London properties.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03He's bought half of Oxford Street
0:08:03 > 0:08:05and parts of Mayfair.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09He didn't get the utilities or the stations, though...
0:08:09 > 0:08:13which are actually better value.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Astonishingly, the world of football has allowed itself
0:08:17 > 0:08:21to be besmirched by these offshore revelations.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24How did that happen?
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Well, they got a new man, Infantino,
0:08:27 > 0:08:30the new Fifa president, and then they had one geezer
0:08:30 > 0:08:33looking after the ethics committee or something,
0:08:33 > 0:08:36and he was working if not for the Fonseca lot,
0:08:36 > 0:08:38then for something related to them.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40So, essentially, he's the ethics man
0:08:40 > 0:08:42and he's right in the middle of it all.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44So that doesn't look too good, does it?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- They should have kept Blatter. I said that all along.- Yeah.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Yes, Uefa did a deal on TV rights
0:08:52 > 0:08:56with an offshore company called Cross Trading...
0:08:56 > 0:08:58It's like The Night Manager this, isn't it?
0:08:58 > 0:09:01..which was a front for an alleged fraudster.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04The deal was signed by brand-new, squeaky-clean Fifa boss
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Gianni Infantino.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09I can't help noticing there are a lot of extremely bald men
0:09:09 > 0:09:11in the news at the moment.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15So shall we play a game of... Whose Bald Bonce Is This?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Fingers on the buzzers. Here's your first bald bonce...
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Who's that?
0:09:23 > 0:09:24- BUZZER - Iain Duncan Smith.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Yes, it is.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Ian, you made him cry, didn't you?
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Erm...
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Erm...
0:09:34 > 0:09:36APPLAUSE
0:09:36 > 0:09:37I did. Erm...
0:09:37 > 0:09:40I made a documentary about Victorian benefits
0:09:40 > 0:09:46and I asked him some questions about the poor law and workhouses
0:09:46 > 0:09:47and he suddenly started crying
0:09:47 > 0:09:49when he told be about this young girl
0:09:49 > 0:09:54who'd had no start in life and he'd wanted to help.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56And then people said, "Well, what did you do when he cried?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58"Did you comfort him?"
0:09:58 > 0:10:01And I said, "No, it's Iain Duncan Smith."
0:10:04 > 0:10:08You didn't tell Iain Duncan Smith you were related to him, did you?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11You didn't go, "Daddy"?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Let's have a look at look at another bald bonce.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Is it someone's knee?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28It's actually...
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Sajid Javid. Our Business Secretary.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Are his ears very low or is it just the angle of the shot?
0:10:35 > 0:10:39His head has melted and they've slid down the side of his face.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45And finally...
0:10:48 > 0:10:50- Who's that?- Bobby Charlton.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Right profession.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Somebody old in football, is that it?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56He will be thrilled to hear that.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58It's Ray Wilkins.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- Why's he been in the news? - He hasn't.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Suck it up.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16This game, it needs a little bit of refining, I think.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25This is the shock news that some of the world's biggest bastards
0:11:25 > 0:11:27have been using offshore companies...
0:11:27 > 0:11:30to dodge their tax.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Panama may seem like an unlikely location for financial security,
0:11:34 > 0:11:36but if there's one thing we know about Panama,
0:11:36 > 0:11:38they can keep things under their hat.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44APPLAUSE
0:11:44 > 0:11:46- I don't think we should applaud that sort of thing.- No.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48It's disgusting.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51In the past, David Cameron has described
0:11:51 > 0:11:54people using offshore schemes to minimise their tax as...
0:11:57 > 0:12:01A refreshingly honest end to the eulogy at his father's funeral.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09The first casualty of the scandal was Iceland's Prime Minister,
0:12:09 > 0:12:11who has been forced to resign.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15He's also in danger of having his assets frozen.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Still, that's what happens if you go sunbathing in Reykjavik.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Ronnie Corbett, that one's for you.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29APPLAUSE
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Vladimir Putin has been linked to the offshore banking scandal.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Rather more surprisingly, he's also been linked to Wendi Deng.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39At the moment, it's just a rumour.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41We'll only know for sure when they split up
0:12:41 > 0:12:44and she's found dead in a locked hotel room.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Paul and Suzanne, take a look at this...
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Oh, yes, this is Port Talbot, I imagine.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02The crisis in the steel industry, because we have no money,
0:13:02 > 0:13:05because it's all in Panama. And that's the industry secretary,
0:13:05 > 0:13:07who's pretending he's going to do something about it.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Which he can't, because the EU's strangling it.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- Oh, and there's the President of China.- Happy hour.- Yeah.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15David Cameron trying to do his man of the people bit,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18- like Nigel Farage, and failing abysmally.- Yes.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20What, you think Farage looks good with a pint?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- Yeah.- Or two.- Yeah. Or two.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25That's what this country needs, somebody who's always on the piss.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32- Well, it worked for Churchill, didn't it?- Yeah.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Yeah, he was up against different opposition, though.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Thankfully, we're allowed to make those remarks because we won.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Yeah, I shouldn't have brought it up.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53I was going to say, "You started it." But, then, no, no...
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Yeah, this is the news that Tata
0:13:58 > 0:14:00are to sell off the steelworks at Port Talbot in Wales.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02It's losing £1 million a day,
0:14:02 > 0:14:06thanks to British imports of cheap Chinese steel.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10Business Minister Anna Soubry suggested buying Tata...
0:14:11 > 0:14:13..causing alarm at the Treasury,
0:14:13 > 0:14:15which didn't think it had that much available.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20It's not just a question of money. They're losing £1 million a day.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24I noticed that sort of international tax evasion is costing us...
0:14:24 > 0:14:27What's the figure? 16 billion a year.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29So we could keep Port Talbot going for...
0:14:29 > 0:14:32oh, about 300 years.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35We could go for quite a long time
0:14:35 > 0:14:38if we weren't paying 350 million a week to the EU.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Well, if you weren't in the EU, I wouldn't be here.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42- SUZANNE:- Why not?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:47 > 0:14:52And if that is a blessing or not, is for you to decide.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Which campaign are you in now?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56You'd never guess. The Leave campaign.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59No, no, of the many on the other side.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00I'm on the board of Vote Leave.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02You're not one of the Grassroots lot?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05No, I didn't like the look of the green tie.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- I don't think it'd suit me.- Is Nigel in the Grassroots lot?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- Nigel's...- Oh, what a coincidence. - Yes.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14It's all a bit Judean People's Front/People's front of Judea.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17APPLAUSE
0:15:17 > 0:15:21Tata took the decision to sell up at a board meeting in Mumbai last week.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Local MPs and union representatives from Port Talbot
0:15:24 > 0:15:26flew out there to lobby the company.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Where was the government's Business Secretary Sajid Javid?
0:15:34 > 0:15:37- He was in Australia.- Yeah, that's right. He was on holiday...
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Sorry, he was at a trade meeting.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Writing in the Sunday Times,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Sajid Javid said of his eventual visit to Port Talbot...
0:15:48 > 0:15:50His PR team.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Suzanne, when you see what an extraordinary mess
0:15:57 > 0:15:59the Government has made of this,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- surely you must still be tempted to rejoin the Tory party...- No, no.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- ..and leave all those Ukip nutters behind?- No, they're not nutters.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07They're a great bunch of people, Ukip,
0:16:07 > 0:16:08and I'm sticking with Ukip.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Well, at least I hope, if they let me back in. Please!
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- You're suspended for, what, six months?- Six months.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- Are you going to appeal? - I absolutely am.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- Try and get a year?- Yeah.
0:16:24 > 0:16:29While we've been away, the EU debate has been raging dully on.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31All sorts of claims are being made about what will happen
0:16:31 > 0:16:34if we stay or go, with each side accusing the other
0:16:34 > 0:16:35of scaremongering.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38So let's sort everything out once and for all
0:16:38 > 0:16:40with a quick but potentially fun game of...
0:16:40 > 0:16:42LAUGHTER
0:16:42 > 0:16:44..Fear or Fact?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Fingers on buzzers.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52If we leave Europe, we'll be able to make browner toast. Fear or fact?
0:16:52 > 0:16:53BUZZER
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Got to be a fact.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Well, Ukip MEP David Coburn certainly thinks so.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06He blames EU regulations for his less-than-powerful toaster.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10If you're watching, Mr Coburn, the next time that happens,
0:17:10 > 0:17:11put your fork in the toaster...
0:17:14 > 0:17:16..and poke it around a bit. APPLAUSE
0:17:16 > 0:17:20If we leave, we will at last be free to recycle teabags.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Fear or fact?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Can't we recycle teabags already?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27The Mayor of London claimed in a column you can't.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Yes, that's right.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Boris Johnson feels his life has been blighted
0:17:31 > 0:17:33by regulations on teabag recycling,
0:17:33 > 0:17:36although it turns out there aren't any.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40Yeah, but still fair enough to be cross about it.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- Bloody Brussels!- Yeah!
0:17:44 > 0:17:48If we leave, it'll be the end of the booze cruise.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49BUZZER Fear or fact?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- Suzanne.- Definitely fear. - Definitely a fear?- Definitely fear.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54The French are going to stop us going over there
0:17:54 > 0:17:57and buying their booze? Not a chance.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Well, the Transport Secretary... SHE SIGHS
0:17:59 > 0:18:00..Patrick McLoughlin,
0:18:00 > 0:18:04he thinks there's a risk the EU might introduce customs limits
0:18:04 > 0:18:07and stop us stocking up on 110 litres of beer,
0:18:07 > 0:18:1090 litres of wine and ten litres of spirits.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13On hearing this news, Nigel Farage tweeted...
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Not really. That was actually Nigel's idea
0:18:22 > 0:18:24of an April Fool's joke.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26One reply to that tweet stated...
0:18:32 > 0:18:34APPLAUSE
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Do you regret sending that now, Suzanne?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Anyone want to hear a former Swedish prime minister's view on the EU?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Here he is on Newsnight with Evan Davis.
0:18:48 > 0:18:53..and a former Swedish PM tells us if Britain can leave the EU,
0:18:53 > 0:18:56be in the single market and have full border control.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58No.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03In other news this week,
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Jeremy Corbyn announced he will be playing Glastonbury,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09although he's refused to appear on the Pyramid Stage,
0:19:09 > 0:19:12as he's opposed to any sort of hierarchical structure.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25BUZZER
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- Paul.- Donald Trump, he's...
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Well, it could be anything with him, couldn't it?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Why is he so angry?
0:19:32 > 0:19:33He's a billionaire, he's got a lovely wife
0:19:33 > 0:19:35who loves him for his money - what is the...?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37LAUGHTER
0:19:37 > 0:19:40What is he so angry about?
0:19:40 > 0:19:43I think he's angry cos he's just lost.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45- He's lost in Wisconsin.- Yes.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49The whole sort of Trump bandwagon appears to be slowing up.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Yes, this is the news that Donald Trump may have finally
0:19:52 > 0:19:54out-crazied the Republican Party.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56He's lost votes with women
0:19:56 > 0:19:59after making controversial comments on abortion
0:19:59 > 0:20:03and then lost votes with women haters by trying to take them back.
0:20:04 > 0:20:09That's a frequent accusation - "Politicians, they are too dull."
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Well, he isn't dull.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- No.- But do you want to be governed by him?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I want them as dull as possible.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20Charismatic leaders in the past have led to all sorts of trouble.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21I would say that...
0:20:25 > 0:20:27APPLAUSE
0:20:27 > 0:20:29The thought of him being in charge of America -
0:20:29 > 0:20:32he can't even control the knob on his sunbed.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38I think you should refer to him as his butler.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42But this whole business about building the wall in Mexico
0:20:42 > 0:20:44and the Mexicans will pay for it -
0:20:44 > 0:20:48- that's not going to happen, is it? It's 1,000 miles long.- Yeah.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49They'll get a ladder.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53What he's done is threaten to cut off the billions of dollars
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Mexican immigrants send back from American to Mexico
0:20:56 > 0:20:58unless Mexico make...
0:21:01 > 0:21:05Let's see what the former Mexican president Vicente Fox
0:21:05 > 0:21:06thought about that idea.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09I'm not going to pay for that...
0:21:09 > 0:21:10fuckin' wall!
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- Made him angry, didn't it? - Livid, he is.- He's furious.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29Can we just take a brief moment here to look at Donald Trump's mouth?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31What is weird about it...
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Someone on the internet spotted this -
0:21:33 > 0:21:38you can replace his eyes with his mouth and he looks the same.
0:21:38 > 0:21:43- There's him normally.- Yeah. - And then with mouths for eyes...
0:21:48 > 0:21:50This is the news that Donald Trump
0:21:50 > 0:21:52has lost the Republican primary in Wisconsin.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56After a disastrous week, Trump's dreams lie in tatters.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58He may never become president and therefore
0:21:58 > 0:22:02may never be powerful enough to catch the eye of Wendi Deng.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07According to the Mail, Heidi Cruz says
0:22:07 > 0:22:11that her first date with Ted lasted hours, because...
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Jesus, I'd take the Rohypnol myself.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25This week saw criticism of Donald Trump
0:22:25 > 0:22:28for retweeting photos of his wife next to Heidi Cruz.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31British politicians were equally quick to condemn the photos,
0:22:31 > 0:22:35except for Boris Johnson, who spent ten minutes trying to swipe left.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47BUZZER
0:22:47 > 0:22:49- Uh...- Paul.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Some cats can understand better accents than others.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- Some accents they don't get.- They respond better to a Northern accent?
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- No.- They meow differently depending on where they live?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01That is the right answer.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Well done. APPLAUSE
0:23:03 > 0:23:06This is the news that scientists think cats
0:23:06 > 0:23:08can pick up regional accents.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12Before we get into the enormous detail of this story,
0:23:12 > 0:23:14how do cats say "meow" in Germany, Henning?
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Uh, "Meow!"
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Are British meows under threat from Brussels, Suzanne?
0:23:22 > 0:23:26The scientists behind this claim actually come from Sweden.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28What noise do cats make in Sweden?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31- IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:- "Sven!"
0:23:33 > 0:23:35APPLAUSE
0:23:37 > 0:23:38They say...
0:23:40 > 0:23:42And, finally, who would like to see a dog flying a plane?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Not for me!
0:23:45 > 0:23:47There are certain things that I find entertaining
0:23:47 > 0:23:49and certain things that are no-go.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Here we are, a Staffordshire bull terrier/collie cross,
0:23:53 > 0:23:58called Shadow, took control of a plane at 3,000 feet.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Flying in a figure of eight circuit, following directions
0:24:01 > 0:24:03from his trainer. Here he is.
0:24:04 > 0:24:09- OK. This one, turn to right. - Good, good.
0:24:12 > 0:24:17'Shadow nails turn two, but next is the first of the key manoeuvres.'
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- HENNING:- Absolute garbage!
0:24:25 > 0:24:29Not in a million years did that dog fly the plane.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Not after the last accident he had.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34We actually had to stop it there because he had to go back
0:24:34 > 0:24:36and serve drinks and nibbles.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38As news broke that a dog had successfully taken
0:24:38 > 0:24:41control of a plane, one passenger was quick to react.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55What's the airline called, Woofthansa?
0:24:55 > 0:24:56Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:24:56 > 0:24:58which this week features as its guest publication
0:24:58 > 0:25:00On The Lighter Side,
0:25:00 > 0:25:03the magazine for international lighter collectors.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05If you want to thumb through it,
0:25:05 > 0:25:08it usually takes a few goes.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09And we start with...
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Attach two pieces of paper together.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18And that's British!
0:25:25 > 0:25:29An innocent enough idea in the pages of the lighter magazine,
0:25:29 > 0:25:31though it led to a flood of hate mail from outraged readers
0:25:31 > 0:25:33of Paperclip Digest.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Next...
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Fuck-Face McGee.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46That's the only one I can think of.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49The answer is...
0:25:53 > 0:25:54Next...
0:25:57 > 0:25:59- SUZANNE:- I know this one, I think.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Tried to get very large sofa into tiny car.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Is the right answer!
0:26:09 > 0:26:10Next...
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Justice.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16APPLAUSE
0:26:18 > 0:26:22Well, the answer is...
0:26:22 > 0:26:24- SUZANNE:- Ketchup?
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- That is nothing to be scared of, really.- And finally...
0:26:32 > 0:26:37Justify the bombing of Dresden?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Here is what happened when one grandpa, Nonno Bill,
0:26:50 > 0:26:54recently went to get his done in one of those modern photo booths.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11So, the final scores are...
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Ian and Henning have four
0:27:13 > 0:27:17but this week's winners are Paul and Suzanne with six.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19APPLAUSE
0:27:22 > 0:27:25But just before we go, there is time for the caption competition.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36After a rare moment of honesty,
0:27:36 > 0:27:40Ian Hislop's career takes a downturn.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43On which note...
0:27:43 > 0:27:45LAUGHTER
0:27:45 > 0:27:49..we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop
0:27:49 > 0:27:51and Henning Wehn, Paul Merton and Suzanne Evans.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53I leave you with news that,
0:27:53 > 0:27:55as Fifa look to move away from accusations of corruption,
0:27:55 > 0:27:59China reveals its bid for the 2030 World Cup.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06At a retirement home in the North West, one relative
0:28:06 > 0:28:09worries the standard of care might not be quite up to scratch.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18And at a stoneworks in California,
0:28:18 > 0:28:21a life-sized Kim Kardashian statue nears completion.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Good night.